Is this just too ridiculous to fix?

[RainDown]

I agree with this, but i can see the OPs husband going ballistic if she suggests this.

 

Well, yes. Of course he will. Happily, there's not a darn thing he can do about it if she takes the boy to counseling on her own time with him. And I wouldn't "suggest" anything to the man; I'd just do it because it needs to be done.

[sandylee1]

Well, yes. Of course he will. Happily, there's not a darn thing he can do about it if she takes the boy to counseling on her own time with him. And I wouldn't "suggest" anything to the man; I'd just do it because it needs to be done.

 

See how he grills the son about what he does with his mom now...

This guy is such a bully.........He's not reconciliation material at all.

[RainDown]

See how he grills the son about what he does with his mom now...

This guy is such a bully.........He's not reconciliation material at all.

 

Agreed. That he is. And he is teaching his son by example that bullying people is the way to go about getting what you want in life. And in the end, because she does absolutely nothing about it, mom is going to wind up with two bullies for the price of one. Well, three if you count the boyfriend. I think that writing is on the wall already.

 

OP - don't sign up for that. You can change all this; for you and for your son.

[farmtomarket]

Well since my last post, I've made an appointment for therapy and I have also had one therapy session with my fiancé. He was willing to go and I felt it was necessary for me to give it all I had since it is clear I have struggled to fall out of love with him. I admit the reason I was considering reconciling with my ex was purely out of guilt and because of my son.

 

My solo therapy ended with her saying I had severe co dependency issues from both relationships. She felt therapy with my fiancé would do a world of good for both of us... And it did. He discussed his insecurities and his controlling behavior because of his lack of trust over my actions regarding my ex husband. And he's right. I have had poor boundaries obviously.

 

 

As for my ex husband, I found myself feeling very guilt ridden and sentimental when he asked to have dinner w me and my son tonight. He misses him terribly. But I had to remind myself that my ex has no remorse about keeping my son away from me. He offers to let me have him but he does not make it easy when it comes down to it.

 

Someone posted here that i don't appear to respect or love my ex. I think it's true that I don't really respect him like I should. I think he's very good at his profession etc but after the horrible things he did to me... It's hard to look at him and feel proud.

 

I do love and respect my fiancé but I need to get my head screwed on straight and stop crossing boundaries out of guilt.

 

My fiancé has asked me before and asked again last night to have my son live with me and eventually him when we would marry. He is very good with my son when they are together but he absolutely despises the idea of constantly traveling to cater to my ex. I understand that. But there are issues there for sure.

 

Anyway I wanted to let you know that I have done more than complain. I'm trying to get help.

[Mr. Lucky]

He discussed his insecurities and his controlling behavior because of his lack of trust over my actions regarding my ex husband. And he's right. I have had poor boundaries obviously.

 

Certainly hard to blame him for being insecure as you were actively considering leaving him.

 

Hope you find what you want and that it works for you and your son ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[farmtomarket]

Can I ask this? Is it normal to be "friends" with your ex? For example, we are in the same industry...is it inappropriate for me to work with him in a job... If I have a choice?

 

Is it inappropriate for him to text me info about our old friends in our industry? These are the kinds of things that have left my fiancé feeling jealous. If I pick my son up and he asks me to come play a game in his room... And I'm there for 30 minutes... My fiancé feels threatened.

 

Also, I have slept in my son's bed before at my ex's house.. If my ex had an out of town job. Trying to keep my son's environment stable... Is that inappropriate?

[RightThere]

Also, I have slept in my son's bed before at my ex's house.. If my ex had an out of town job. Trying to keep my son's environment stable... Is that inappropriate?

 

If you were my fiancé, no, that would not be appropriate. Is there a reason your son doesn't stay with your when you ex is out of town?

 

Can I ask this? Is it normal to be "friends" with your ex? For example, we are in the same industry...is it inappropriate for me to work with him in a job... If I have a choice?

 

Is it inappropriate for him to text me info about our old friends in our industry? These are the kinds of things that have left my fiancé feeling jealous. If I pick my son up and he asks me to come play a game in his room... And I'm there for 30 minutes... My fiancé feels threatened.

 

I think based on all this, you're not really ready to be in a new relationship. You still want to have that co-dependency thing with your ex and bringing a new relationship along for the ride. I would let your fiancé go because you cannot have this thing both ways. Either support your fiancé 100%, or let him go and figure out what family dynamics you are willing to have with your ex.

[farmtomarket]

I don't have a place there because I moved to be with my fiancé. The plan was for my son to come with me and I'd be a stay at home mom (working from home) but my mom x got family money and lawyered up big time. So now my son lives primarily with his dad until I can get enough money to go back to court and fight for full custody. The problems is I was the breadwinner. And he was the stay at home dad. So his lawyer argued that be was the primary parent doe the past year prior to divorce (because I paid to support him and he built his "work from home biz" and now I'm punished. I left my 60 hour work week job and the courts still won't give me full custody because the pattern of stability has been set for my son.. As I worked my ass off. I can't tell you how badly I want full custody. My ex refuses to let me. I even offered to pay him 1k a month toward rent in my current neighborhood. He said no way.

[BetheButterfly]

My 2 cents is that I think you need to be single for a bit and not live with either man. As for your ex-husband, I would not recommend getting back with him right now. Maybe in the future, but I do think he needs to apologize and repent for hurting you and your business. I don't think he's truly repented of hurting you yet. He may never will, but I personally think it's best for you to just concentrate on your business and your son right now, and leave men alone.

 

That's what I would do. I know it's easier said than done, but I think the health of your son and your health will be much better if you just leave men alone for awhile and concentrate on your son and on your business.

 

I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

[farmtomarket]

I am feeling very insecure today and needed a place to vent. I have been trying to focus on building my business and I have a very good contract with a client. My paycheck goes into my fiancé account. I'm on track to make 100k this year simply doing my own business. My fiancé got a deposit for 9k yesterday from my client. So, I had been holding off buying clothes etc. After I heard I got paid, I spent 1k. He just started telling me that I was acting like I had more money than I had and that he couldn't believe I went and spent that when he has bills to pay.

 

He said that just because I have 9k ... I should be paying off all debt first. It is really frustrating. I mean... Most people don't even make that kind of money. He just makes me feel like I can never contribute enough.

[RightThere]

I am feeling very insecure today and needed a place to vent. I have been trying to focus on building my business and I have a very good contract with a client. My paycheck goes into my fiancé account. I'm on track to make 100k this year simply doing my own business. My fiancé got a deposit for 9k yesterday from my client. So, I had been holding off buying clothes etc. After I heard I got paid, I spent 1k. He just started telling me that I was acting like I had more money than I had and that he couldn't believe I went and spent that when he has bills to pay.

 

He said that just because I have 9k ... I should be paying off all debt first. It is really frustrating. I mean... Most people don't even make that kind of money. He just makes me feel like I can never contribute enough.

 

All these men in your life are sucking you dry. You need to get away from them all and stand on your own two feet for a while. Otherwise you're just going to start this cycles all over again of your husband leeching off you.

[OldRover]

I am feeling very insecure today and needed a place to vent. I have been trying to focus on building my business and I have a very good contract with a client. My paycheck goes into my fiancé account. I'm on track to make 100k this year simply doing my own business. My fiancé got a deposit for 9k yesterday from my client. So, I had been holding off buying clothes etc. After I heard I got paid, I spent 1k. He just started telling me that I was acting like I had more money than I had and that he couldn't believe I went and spent that when he has bills to pay.

 

He said that just because I have 9k ... I should be paying off all debt first. It is really frustrating. I mean... Most people don't even make that kind of money. He just makes me feel like I can never contribute enough.

 

Well, regarding debt, I could argue to absolutely FIRST pay off debt, even if you have to buy used clothes. The only logical debt one should have personally is for a home.... nothing else. With 100K and debt free, you can live like a queen in most states. I live on less than half of that and have all the toys, nice home, etc., and have PLENTY left over to play with. I never spend $1K on clothes, and I'm dressed pretty good. However, not the subject here.

 

Getting back to your choices, as I mentioned before. I strongly feel you should try to make things work with your ex. You have a LOT invested in him, certainly had good times at one point and if you succeed, it will be a MUCH better life without sharing a child and dealing with an ex, which can be awkward with a new relationship. Worth a try... and set some guidelines and goals. If it doesn't work, go to plan B.... probably be single for awhile.

 

Good luck.

[anika99]

OP your story and your tone sounds very familiar. I could be wrong but I believe you have posted under different usernames and as I recall your fiancé is quite the whack job as well and you have repeatedly chosen him over your son.

 

I suspect there is more to your husbands side of the story then you are saying. To me both of these men are unhealthy but you are kind of playing games with them too. Your fiancé doesn't trust you to be around your ex and I'm sure you tell him he has nothing to worry about, meanwhile you are actually considering going back to your ex. I think both of these men may have some valid reasons to distrust you. Not defending them but I think you are as messed up as they are and that none of you are thinking of your sons best interest. Stop being so desperate to be in a relationship and learn to be an adult who can stand on her own.

[DKT3]

OP your story and your tone sounds very familiar. I could be wrong but I believe you have posted under different usernames and as I recall your fiancé is quite the whack job as well and you have repeatedly chosen him over your son.

 

I suspect there is more to your husbands side of the story then you are saying. To me both of these men are unhealthy but you are kind of playing games with them too. Your fiancé doesn't trust you to be around your ex and I'm sure you tell him he has nothing to worry about, meanwhile you are actually considering going back to your ex. I think both of these men may have some valid reasons to distrust you. Not defending them but I think you are as messed up as they are and that none of you are thinking of your sons best interest. Stop being so desperate to be in a relationship and learn to be an adult who can stand on her own.

 

 

I agree, I'm pretty confident this new relationship was an affair and the reason she left and why she left her son behind.

[farmtomarket]

This relationship was definitely not an affair. But it's true that I met him quite quickly after the divorce. But, I did not leave my son for him. My ex as I said layered up and got custody because I had a history of working 60 hours a week and he worked about 10... From home. So, even though I don't have that schedule anymore... The courts look at the history of care and I got punished. I am being treated like the "dad" and my ex is like the "stay at home mom".

[OldRover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by anika99 View Post

OP your story and your tone sounds very familiar. I could be wrong but I believe you have posted under different usernames and as I recall your fiancé is quite the whack job as well and you have repeatedly chosen him over your son.

 

<<<<I suspect there is more to your husbands side of the story then you are saying. To me both of these men are unhealthy but you are kind of playing games with them too. Your fiancé doesn't trust you to be around your ex and I'm sure you tell him he has nothing to worry about, meanwhile you are actually considering going back to your ex. I think both of these men may have some valid reasons to distrust you. Not defending them but I think you are as messed up as they are and that none of you are thinking of your sons best interest. Stop being so desperate to be in a relationship and learn to be an adult who can stand on her own.>>>>

 

I agree, I'm pretty confident this new relationship was an affair and the reason she left and why she left her son behind.

I agree, I'm pretty confident this new relationship was an affair and the reason she left and why she left her son behind.

 

Well, do we really know this, or is this speculation? I lean on the side of helping the OP with good ideas, not criticizing her. We all make mistakes and I'm sure she feels that she has made some, too, along with both men. There IS a solution, and hope she finds a good one. I'm still leaning toward reconciling with the ex... much more to be gained there.

 

Let's give her some good ideas for support. For now, I have no reason not to believe her. I don't see where she has been dishonest with us. And, if she doesn't want to give more details, that's her choice.

[farmtomarket]

This relationship was definitely not an affair. But it's true that I met him quite quickly after the divorce. But, I did not leave my son for him. My ex as I said layered up and got custody because I had a history of working 60 hours a week and he worked about 10... From home. So, even though I don't have that schedule anymore... The courts look at the history of care and I got punished. I am being treated like the "dad" and my ex is like the "stay at home mom".

[farmtomarket]

I know this is going to sound crazy and it is... But I have a question. As I said my son has spent the past 10 days with me. It's been great. However, I've observed he's very scared about financial collapse and possible alien life. He's 9! I asked him where this is coming from and he told me he's been watching videos on YouTube about Area 51. I told him that's not appropriate and I messaged my ex about WHY he's allowing this. My son worried the end of the world is coming!

 

So, I asked my ex again about it and he said that our son should be allowed to watch things about mystery etc. then he went on to tell me and out son that he was "chased by aliens" when he was younger and that he truly believes that it's possible that aliens are out there and may come back for us.

 

Sooooo I think this is insane. I am wondering if am I overreacting or is this something that I should take to a lawyer and try to get my son away from him ... Full time.

 

Of course I want my son to live with me and I think this is more evidence this is necessary

 

Am I overreacting? Would you ever tell your kids something like this?

 

I think it sounds insane.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Of course I want my son to live with me and I think this is more evidence this is necessary

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Yes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I know this is going to sound crazy and it is... But I have a question. As I said my son has spent the past 10 days with me. It's been great. However, I've observed he's very scared about financial collapse and possible alien life. He's 9! I asked him where this is coming from and he told me he's been watching videos on YouTube about Area 51. I told him that's not appropriate and I messaged my ex about WHY he's allowing this. My son worried the end of the world is coming!

 

So, I asked my ex again about it and he said that our son should be allowed to watch things about mystery etc. then he went on to tell me and out son that he was "chased by aliens" when he was younger and that he truly believes that it's possible that aliens are out there and may come back for us.

 

Sooooo I think this is insane. I am wondering if am I overreacting or is this something that I should take to a lawyer and try to get my son away from him ... Full time.

 

Of course I want my son to live with me and I think this is more evidence this is necessary

 

Am I overreacting? Would you ever tell your kids something like this?

 

I think it sounds insane.

 

It does sound insane and I WOULD NEVER tell my 9 year old such crap. That's bound to scare him no end. No sensible parent would do what your H did and he's not controlling your son's online activity.

 

Please seek legal advice on this. Your son is better off living with you.

 

You are NOT overreacting.

[farmtomarket]

It's really ridiculous and my ex sees absolutely zero problem with what he's done. He's also done a ton of damage... Regarding boundaries. So much so... My ex heard that I had gotten into argument with my fiancé. I was not aware. When I picked up my son ... He said daddy told me that you guys got into a big fight, what was the fight over??? Again he's 9.

 

I just don't know if this is enough to get custody of my son. He's so happy when he's with me and would have such a better life. But my ex swears he will never let that happen.

[sandylee1]

It's really ridiculous and my ex sees absolutely zero problem with what he's done. He's also done a ton of damage... Regarding boundaries. So much so... My ex heard that I had gotten into argument with my fiancé. I was not aware. When I picked up my son ... He said daddy told me that you guys got into a big fight, what was the fight over??? Again he's 9.

 

I just don't know if this is enough to get custody of my son. He's so happy when he's with me and would have such a better life. But my ex swears he will never let that happen.

 

 

How does your Ex know when you argue with your fiancé? Did you tell him? Did your fiancé tell someone who told him?

 

Why be engaged to someone when there is no harmony in the relationship. It's time you stood on your own two feet and lived alone. Time to take action and stop hoping things will change when you do nothing to make them change. You should NEVER get back with your Ex. That would be equal to digging your own grave.

 

See your lawyer about parental alienation.

 

I also hope you don't argue with your Ex or your fiancé when your son is around?

[farmtomarket]

I don't argue around my son. But yesterday when I picked up my son he was mad at me. I asked why. He said "daddy said you were mad at him and yelling at him this am on the phone."

 

My son demanded to know why. I said he could find out when he's 18 and I changed the subject. But I couldn't believe that he told him again. I texted my ex about it and he said that he was upset and when my son asked why he felt compelled to tell him. Then he said "my apologies".

 

It is very frustrating because my ex is trying at times to be a friend. He even offered to have me move back in if I was having $$ problems. I told him no. He isn't willing to do therapy even... Why would we do that to our son. He said he won't do therapy because he feels that he gets dragged through the mud. And then he started in on me about how I need to change my business, improve my customer count and that I'm not focused.

[farmtomarket]

sandylee1 --thanks for your reply.

 

I have to tell you I have come here tonight because I'm feeling sentimental. I'm turning 40 on Saturday. My fiancé wants to take me on a trip and my ex husband has no idea that I'm still engaged etc.

 

On one hand - I loathe my ex for what he's done, but after 15 years together...I don't know why, but I don't want to hurt him. Part of me wants to remind a few years and just pretend we can move on.

 

I told my ex (for son's sake) that I had a trip out of the country for work related stuff and that I was leaving the day before my birthday. After screaming at me yesterday - again telling me he'd never do therapy with me -- and telling me I am a fraud and a liar -- he is now offering to drive me to the airport. I think he's testing me to see if I'm going with anyone....already.

 

But, part of me is very sad. I know going back is not the answer -- but I miss the times past....never once did he do anything significant on my birthday (as my fiance is doing)...but I miss being a family.

 

But, how silly do I sound ....knowing that I was miserable when I was there with him and dreaming of being divorced.

 

My fiancé is being amazing to me...and I know that if I left and went back to my ex -- I would end up back with my fiancé. I've tried leaving...and I never stay gone long. We have this connection... despite our drama.

 

I guess I just wanted to get reassurance that I am not alone in having parts of a bad marriage that I miss...still. sounds insane...since he hurt me so much....our divorce was just awful.

 

I think what's most interesting is that his family would never speak to me again. I filed divorce and then they refuse to even be in my presence when I pick up my son etc. They stay in the car or out of view.... I mean that's pretty awful, right?

 

 

 

You should NEVER get back with your Ex. That would be equal to digging your own grave.

 

See your lawyer about parental alienation.

 

I also hope you don't argue with your Ex or your fiancé when your son is around?

[sandylee1]

I think due to all the arguing with your Ex, you should not get into discussions with him that don't relate to your son. A simple text saying "I'm out of town for 5 days from this date to that date, so I'll next pick up (son's name ) on xx date " is enough.

 

He has no entitlement to know where you're going and why. He's not your husband anymore. If he asks where you're going ignore.

 

Too much conversation creates drama and allows him to start his nonsense. Don't feed into it.

 

Text messages are also evidence of any inappropriate things he says. Your work and client affairs not his concern, so don't give him the platform to talk about anything unrelated to your son.

 

He's a classic bully and you need to be civil, but stand your ground with him.