Capri Kiwi Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 First off, I want to let you know that it's ok (and actually correct) to trust your instincts. If something is itching you as wrong, it probably is. I'm 29, have had a few casual and serious relationships, have met guys through OLD, friends, family and random venues/activities....and I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts. With that said, it sounds like this guy may be in it for fun or something to do, versus a relationship. Or, perhaps he's slow to trust or make decisions about a relationship. *Absolutely* you should take the initiative to arrange a date. Tbh it shows you're putting forth the effort as well. Unless you think it's too soon, I also think 5 dates/weeks is fine to have the "where do you see this going" convo, or at least mention that you're looking for a relationship (if that's what you want). If you share how you feel, perhaps it'll lead him to consider how he feels about things. I can't really tell from your post whether this guy is just shy, or looking for something casual. Also haven't mentioned how demanding his job is...I'm a hospital administrator and sometimes, once a week for a date is my reality. Also, some people just don't like texting. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Hope that helps with some perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Well we made it to seven dates, did it, and then nothing. He said I'd hear from him again, but in the past week I had to contact him twice and barely got a reply. I contacted him the day after and it took him two days to respond. Granted, I've been out of the country for a week, but he could've contacted me thru fb. The only thing that is calming me down is that he took down his tinder description and has only been active on there once every two days. Did I sleep with him too soon? I feel like seven dates is pretty substantial, and on our 6th he did say he was looking for a relationship... Am I over analyzing everything? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Well we made it to seven dates, did it, and then nothing. He said I'd hear from him again, but in the past week I had to contact him twice and barely got a reply. I contacted him the day after and it took him two days to respond. Granted, I've been out of the country for a week, but he could've contacted me thru fb. The only thing that is calming me down is that he took down his tinder description and has only been active on there once every two days. Did I sleep with him too soon? I feel like seven dates is pretty substantial, and on our 6th he did say he was looking for a relationship... Am I over analyzing everything? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Well we made it to seven dates, did it, and then nothing. He said I'd hear from him again, but in the past week I had to contact him twice and barely got a reply. I contacted him the day after and it took him two days to respond. Granted, I've been out of the country for a week, but he could've contacted me thru fb. The only thing that is calming me down is that he took down his tinder description and has only been active on there once every two days. Did I sleep with him too soon? I feel like seven dates is pretty substantial, and on our 6th he did say he was looking for a relationship... Am I over analyzing everything? STOP contacting him. You are doing too much! Let HIM step up! If he doesn't so be it.....that's your cue to move on. Stop pushing, you are turning him OFF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I am completely over both these men. I realize that anyone new I meet is not them. I don't think it's completely irrational to have your guard up with someone who you know can potentially hurt you. No one said to not have your guard up. I said that you are still attracting the same character in different bodies, which means that there is a life lesson that you're not learning (keep getting with guys who have girlfriends/who do not want to be who you need for them to be for you) and until you sit down and take the time to figure out the lesson so you stop attracting this character, this is an emotional hamster wheel you're going to be on for some time to come. The very second something doesn't seem right is when you put them down and leave them alone. You don't still try to force a relationship out of someone who clearly isn't on the same page with you. What you're saying in your subsequent post is that you're so desperate for this guy's attention that you're ok accepting his ghosting behavior instead of telling him "listen, I like you and I'd like to explore more with you, but you dont' seem as if you want to do this, so how about you just go and do you because you're not where I need for my man to be in order for me to be happy." I just don't understand why you subject yourself to this kind of torment from a guy who is treating you as an option and not a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 No one said to not have your guard up. I said that you are still attracting the same character in different bodies, which means that there is a life lesson that you're not learning (keep getting with guys who have girlfriends/who do not want to be who you need for them to be for you) and until you sit down and take the time to figure out the lesson so you stop attracting this character, this is an emotional hamster wheel you're going to be on for some time to come. The very second something doesn't seem right is when you put them down and leave them alone. You don't still try to force a relationship out of someone who clearly isn't on the same page with you. What you're saying in your subsequent post is that you're so desperate for this guy's attention that you're ok accepting his ghosting behavior instead of telling him "listen, I like you and I'd like to explore more with you, but you dont' seem as if you want to do this, so how about you just go and do you because you're not where I need for my man to be in order for me to be happy." I just don't understand why you subject yourself to this kind of torment from a guy who is treating you as an option and not a priority. So I'm either being desperate or an aloof b*tch... I feel like no matter what I put here my character is being attacked. Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I think your internal warning system was picking up red flags about this guy, and it was correct. Seven dates is not "too soon" generally but it is too soon with this guy who is showing lukewarm interest and doing nothing to move the relationship forward. Go quiet, pull back and keep busy (possibly date others). If he's truly interested in pursuing something he will let you know. But I don't think he is interested to the level you likely want and deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 STOP contacting him. You are doing too much! Let HIM step up! If he doesn't so be it.....that's your cue to move on. Stop pushing, you are turning him OFF. When contacting him I only asked " hey what's up". The second time I contacted him was 5 days after to say I got his message but couldn't text back. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 So I'm either being desperate or an aloof b*tch... I feel like no matter what I put here my character is being attacked. Why all of these extremes? No one is attacking you. No one but you is calling you names and assassinating your character. You asked for input; you're getting input. Use what you can and ignore what you don't. According to you, the dude is ignoring you unless he feels like hearing from or hanging with you. What do you want us to tell you? We can't make him be who you want him to be. He's acting unavailable--just as unavailable as the guys who had girlfriends. Instead of being mad at reading what you don't want to read, perhaps your time would be better spent in figuring out why you keep attracting and pursuing unavailable men. You are the common denominator in all of these interactions you've had with men who treat you like an option. The quickest way to figure out something is to own your voice and get information. It has nothing to do with acting desperate--it's the fastest way to figure out if you are on the right track because right now, you have no good information on which to base your next step. Once you do have information, you will know where to place your next step. Put it to him that you like him and would like something to develop if he's amenable to the idea--that doesn't require you turning into a "stage 5 stalker", as you put it. If he says yes, then you tell him that the ghosting shtick needs to stop. He will either agree to stop disappearing or he won't; if he won't, then you know it's time to set him adrift and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but based on this information he sound's like he's just not that into you. Especially if you are the one who is reaching out at all times, for any sort of contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Can most of us agree that seven dates is pretty significant though? I'm not going out buying a wedding dress, but everyone I talk to IRL thinks that's pretty serious. Especially since sex is now involved. I feel it's kinda doushy that there was no follow up, even if our texting history was always kinda "bleh". and I agree that his behavior indicates he's not that into me, but if that's the case, why would he keep agreeing to hang out for several dates knowing he wasn't getting any? Usually guys just straight up ghost or go from bombarding me with texts to doing the traditional slow fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 You broke your own rule. You said no sex before being in a relationship. Seven dates does not mean you're in an exclusive relationship especially the type of dating you've been doing, which I consider uninterested dating (1 call - 1 date a week). Also on your 6th date he said he was looking for a relationship sure but that doesn't mean he was looking for a relationship 'with you' and it doesn't mean his words automatically made you an item. I am sorry he bailed but all the clues where there that he was not invested in getting to know you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Can most of us agree that seven dates is pretty significant though? I'm not going out buying a wedding dress, but everyone I talk to IRL thinks that's pretty serious. Especially since sex is now involved. I feel it's kinda doushy that there was no follow up, even if our texting history was always kinda "bleh". and I agree that his behavior indicates he's not that into me, but if that's the case, why would he keep agreeing to hang out for several dates knowing he wasn't getting any? Usually guys just straight up ghost or go from bombarding me with texts to doing the traditional slow fade. Seven dates is not nothing, but it also doesn't mean you are moving towards anything serious or a relationship. I dated a guy for almost four months last year, including sex and lots of future talk. When I finally asked where he saw things going he said "casual" and I ended it. Looking back he had showed lots of signs of not being in a good place for a relationship that I ignored. More recently I dated a guy over five dates, we had sex twice then after the last time we met neither of us ever contacted each other again. I had been wondering about the guy's interest, so I pulled back, and never hearing from him again gave me my answer in how interested he really was. I would not go by length or number of dates or sexual activity but by actions. Is he consistently showing his interest, do you feel like your relationship is moving forward, do you feel like you are both equally participating? Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Can most of us agree that seven dates is pretty significant though? I'm not going out buying a wedding dress, but everyone I talk to IRL thinks that's pretty serious. You have to put the number seven in context. If it had been seven dates over 4-6 weeks, and you were communicating regularly between dates, that would be a sign of mutual excitement in dating. Seven dates over 12-14 weeks with no real communication other than an occasional text to set up the next date is dating limping along because someone (You? Him? Both?) isn't that interested, but no one has the will to get out of limbo. You really haven't progressed much--you aren't seeing each other with increasing frequency, you aren't exclusive, you aren't yet BF/GF, etc. Along with conversations and actions that confirm his interest in a relationship, these are the specific types of milestones that matter to me when I'm first dating someone. What does "significant" mean to you exactly? How do you define that term? I find it helpful to talk to the other person in situations like this...Either over the phone, or better yet, in person. With this guy, I would simply state the obvious. You're interested in dating, but he seems to be pulling back and less engaged. He's no longer initiating, and you aren't seeing each other that often. Does he want to continue dating, or would he prefer to call it quits? Next time on the dating merry-go-round, if you don't have time to date, don't start seeing someone, but then turn him down repeatedly for two months. The likelihood of interest recovering and flourishing after regular rejection is low. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) I know I broke my own rule, thats totally on me. However, he knew I was nervous about getting sexual with him but assured me everything was fine and that I would hear from him again-because he too was looking for a relationship and hates one night stands. When I got back from vacation he did ask me how i was doing but then never replied back. I know he got the messages though because the "read" thing came up and hes been active on tinder and with updating his profile. I don't think his behavior is very nice or mature. Even in this hook up culture we live in, there should be some acts of chivalry. I mean this was seven dates, not some stranger i hooked up with in a bar. Should i say something to him in regards to his behavior? If it's recommended should i wait for him to contact me? What should I say? I want to let him know i'm mad/disapointed without sounding like a psycho. I realize he probably wouldn't care either way, but I still want him to know what he did wasn't cool. Edited July 20, 2015 by JiltedJane add on Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I don't think his behavior is very nice or mature. Even in this hook up culture we live in, there should be some acts of chivalry. I mean this was seven dates, not some stranger i hooked up with in a bar. Should i say something to him in regards to his behavior? If it's recommended should i wait for him to contact me? What should I say? I want to let him know i'm mad/disapointed without sounding like a psycho. I realize he probably wouldn't care either way, but I still want him to know what he did wasn't cool. Seven dates might be significant to you but in the whole scheme of things it's not much. You don't know this guy after seven dates simply because you haven't spent enough time with him - it takes many months (sometimes years) to get to know someone. Just because he says he wants a relationship doesn't mean he wants it with you. In fact, he could be saying that to get sex from you because he knows you don't want a one night stand. "Should i say something to him in regards to his behavior? " Nope. You don't say anything. In fact, you don't contact him again. And if he contacts you, you ignore him. This guy isn't treating you with respect. And you know it. So there's no point in pursuing things. You're right, his behavior isn't nice or mature. That's why you move on and put it behind you. Chalk it up to a bad experience. There is nothing to be gained by telling him how mad/disappointed you are - it might give you closure but frankly you're wasting your time. Your closure should be to find a guy who romances you and treats you with respect and the way you deserve instead of being hung up on a guy like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Okay so updating this after three months and looking for some opinions. After our first sexual rendevous, I didn't see him for a month. He did try to hang out a few times, but i was so hurt by his previous actions that I actively avoided him. After that month I gave in and we've hung out 7 more times in the past two months. I've 75% accepted the fact that he and I will probably be no more than just a a sporadic hook up. The remaining 25% keeps me confused though. He has been doing most of the reaching out. We never text unless making plans. Sometimes he'll initiate a conversation but then won't respond for days. On one occasion he got drunk and told me he loved me. Idk if that was a drunken mistake but i didn't say it back. Recently I asked if he was sleeping with other women and he said "no" defensively. So here is where my confusion lies: When we hangout, its more than just hooking up. We do stuff before and after. Generally we are getting more comfortable around each other. Still theres these long gaps inbetween seeing eachother- with little to no communication inbetween. Some people have told me this is a normal progression. Especially for two people with really busy schedules. I should also mention he's a musician-which i've been told also drastically changes the dating game... Does it sound like this guy likes me but is really taking his time, or I'm just a random hook up? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Okay so updating this after three months and looking for some opinions. After our first sexual rendevous, I didn't see him for a month. He did try to hang out a few times, but i was so hurt by his previous actions that I actively avoided him. After that month I gave in and we've hung out 7 more times in the past two months. I've 75% accepted the fact that he and I will probably be no more than just a a sporadic hook up. The remaining 25% keeps me confused though. He has been doing most of the reaching out. We never text unless making plans. Sometimes he'll initiate a conversation but then won't respond for days. On one occasion he got drunk and told me he loved me. Idk if that was a drunken mistake but i didn't say it back. Recently I asked if he was sleeping with other women and he said "no" defensively. So here is where my confusion lies: When we hangout, its more than just hooking up. We do stuff before and after. Generally we are getting more comfortable around each other. Still theres these long gaps inbetween seeing eachother- with little to no communication inbetween. Some people have told me this is a normal progression. Especially for two people with really busy schedules. I should also mention he's a musician-which i've been told also drastically changes the dating game... Does it sound like this guy likes me but is really taking his time, or I'm just a random hook up? The guy only wants a casual relationship PERIOD. He's not being consistent with communication, he disappeared for a month after sex. Sure, he likes you enough to hang out and do things with. It's not like he can't stand you, he just doesn't want a commitment. If he was really interested in more but was simply too busy, he would stay in touch with you much better than he does. You are being a doormat now if you want a relationship for yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JiltedJane Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but based on this information he sound's like he's just not that into you. Especially if you are the one who is reaching out at all times, for any sort of contact. ok so last night was weird. the bad: He mentioned at one pt he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be in a relationship ever again. then he got pissed at me for being rude because i didn't introduce him to these people we bumped into and for always walking ahead of him (i naturally walk fast, and i didn't know how to introduce him or if he gave a ****). The good : through out the night he kept telling me that i was beautiful, absolutely perfect, he hopes i'm not dating other guys cause he's not with other girls, we were destined to meet-it wasn't just coincidence. then he broke down and started telling me this really personal issue he's going through. at the end of the night though instead of kissing me goodbye he just gave me a hug and said "we should go on vacation together"........ dah f*ck? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) "ok so last night was weird. the bad: He mentioned at one pt he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be in a relationship ever again. then he got pissed at me for being rude because i didn't introduce him to these people we bumped into and for always walking ahead of him (i naturally walk fast, and i didn't know how to introduce him or if he gave a ****)." Red flags are starting to wave here I think. Edited October 9, 2015 by xcupid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelorn00 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 dah f*ck? My reaction exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 He is a mess. Run away. Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 He mentioned at one pt he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be in a relationship ever again. This is the only thing you should be concerning yourself with, if a relationship is what you're looking for. He can tell you his innermost secrets, compliment you endlessly, take you on millions of vacations -- and STILL not want to be in a committed relationship with you. He certainly wouldn't be the first. And not to sound harsh, but at this point you're providing him with easy sex, good company, presumably not dating other men... what incentive does he have to turn it into a real relationship when he has all of the benefits of one without any of the obligation? The wise thing to do would be to extract yourself before you become further invested, and find someone who is looking for what you're looking for. (And stick to your rule next time.) Link to post Share on other sites
Terry8889 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) You will continue seeing the guy right? no matter what he does or how big of a jerk he is with you. People have already told you here that he is not interested in a committed relationship and you are letting him treat you like an option. Idk why you keep asking people about his behavior. You already know the answer. He will continue to string you along until something or someone better comes along and you know why? because you let him treat you that way. Edited October 9, 2015 by Terry8889 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 just re-read your thread. nothing has changed except the passing of time. Link to post Share on other sites
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