Red flags or calm down?

[Keenly]

Plus, this guy is much better looking than i am, lol. I'm suprised he was ever remotely interested to begin with.

 

 

That dichotomy only exists in your own mind. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be this patient.

Edited June 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

-I work 60 hrs a week, plus in may i had other projects going on that took up all my personal time.

 

-when i say it takes forever for him to get back, it can be days. Or at least initally it was. Now it can take a day.

 

-I'm taking it slow, because I don't want to get played. Plus, this guy is much better looking than i am, lol. I'm suprised he was ever remotely interested to begin with.

 

If a man is inclined to "play" you....taking it slow will not prevent him from doing so.

 

It will only take longer for you to find out he's playing you....

 

That said, it's okay to take it slow if that is what you are more comfortable with.

 

What is confusing is that, although YOU admit to wanting to take it slow, the fact he IS taking it slow you deem as a possible red flag!

[Gaeta]

Ok someone spell it to me like I am 6 years old.

 

What is the problem here?

 

She wants it slow, he wants it slow.

 

He calls the shots because he calls once a week and sets a date once a wee? But apparently that's what she wants to so what-is-the-problem?

[writergal]

-I work 60 hrs a week, plus in may i had other projects going on that took up all my personal time.

 

-when i say it takes forever for him to get back, it can be days. Or at least initally it was. Now it can take a day.

 

-I'm taking it slow, because I don't want to get played. We did meet on tinder after all.

 

-Plus, this guy is much better looking than i am, lol. I'm suprised he was ever remotely interested to begin with.

 

So, why the complaints? If you're sending mixed messages with your posts, imagine how confused this guy is about what you want from him.

[katiegrl]

Ok someone spell it to me like I am 6 years old.

 

What is the problem here?

 

She wants it slow, he wants it slow.

 

He calls the shots because he calls once a week and sets a date once a wee? But apparently that's what she wants to so what-is-the-problem?

 

Gaeta, the problem is she feels insecure and off-balance because he is not chasing her more aggressively.

 

Society tells her when a man is into a woman, he should be wanting to see her more, talk to her more. Chase her harder.

 

She admitted she does not want that, but neverthrless that does not stop her from wanting him to chase her harder..so SHE is in the position of turning him down.... (like she did between April and June when she was "busy")... and thus controlling the pace...instead of him.

[JiltedJane]

I admit it's confusing.

 

I myself am extremely confused. I don't know what to do or how to behave because every guy I meet has these "rules" for how clingy a woman is supposed to act, or how aloof, when you're supposed to put out, etc, etc.

Then when things don't work out and you talk about it with outsiders you get the "well that was a red flag there" or something of that nature.

 

In terms of the texting thing, the lack of texting/infrequent communication bothers me because everyone says that if they like you enough they'll be contacting you. I have reached out in the past, but it takes significantly longer for a reply from him. That's a small red flag.

 

In terms of the pace, I'm keeping it slow in terms of the sexual stuff. I feel like we should know more about eachother before hitting the sheets.

 

The whole "relationship" is still very fresh IMO, but I want to know if his behaviors are on the normal/interested side. I realize I've given mixed signals- but it is mostly out of fear of being played or hurt again.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, the problem is she feels insecure and off-balance because he is not chasing her more aggressively.

 

Society tells her when a man is into a woman, he should be wanting to see her more, talk to her more. Chase her harder.

 

She admitted she does not want that, but that does not stop her from wanting him to chase her harder..so SHE is in the position of turning him down.... (like she did between April and June when she was "busy")... and thus controlling the pace...instead of him.

 

 

OP: who cares what society thinks? If you are both happy with this arrangement than leave it alone, don't try to change it or fix it.

[JiltedJane]

I would like it to go faster though. I just can't tell if hes a player or is just really relaxed when it comes to settling down, or if he gives a **** about me in general.

[Gaeta]

I myself am extremely confused. I don't know what to do or how to behave because every guy I meet has these "rules" for how clingy a woman is supposed to act, or how aloof, when you're supposed to put out, etc, etc.

 

In terms of the texting thing, the lack of texting/infrequent communication bothers me because everyone says that if they like you enough they'll be contacting you. I have reached out in the past, but it takes significantly longer for a reply from him. That's a small red flag.

 

Forget what others are saying. What do YOU want? I want your answer on that, do you want more communication from him or you're happy with once a week?

 

The whole "relationship" is still very fresh IMO, but I want to know if his behaviors are on the normal/interested side. I realize I've given mixed signals- but it is mostly out of fear of being played or hurt again.

Than maybe you are not ready to re-inter a relationship. Meeting someone means accepting being vulnerable and a possibility of getting hurt. Heartbreaks suck but they don't kill. You've got one life to live so live it to the fullest and don't waste time standing still on the sidewalk. When you're on the death bed I am sure you won't say <I wish I took less risks>

[Gaeta]

I would like it to go faster though. I just can't tell if hes a player or is just really relaxed when it comes to settling down, or if he gives a **** about me in general.

 

Welcome to dating.

[compulsivedancer]

I would like it to go faster though. I just can't tell if hes a player or is just really relaxed when it comes to settling down, or if he gives a **** about me in general.

 

He doesn't sound like a player, just a guy respecting your wishes. If you want more, ask for more. Guys are confused about this stuff, too. He may think that since you have asked for slow, you'll be the one to step up the pace if you want more.

 

About the texting, ask him. Maybe he'll reply quicker, or perhaps he prefers a phone call. Or maybe he just hates communication that's not face-to-face.

[katiegrl]

I would like it to go faster though. I just can't tell if hes a player or is just really relaxed when it comes to settling down, or if he gives a **** about me in general.

 

Just a guess but you sound very guarded, which I am sure he senses too....but does not know why...

 

He may be interpreting it as disinterest on your part.....so he is treading carefully, so HE doesn't get hurt.

 

At some point, you both will need to just take a risk....or this ain't going anywhere.

 

I get you want him to take the risk first.....but the fact you turned him down for three months...he may be hesitant to do so.

 

Your low self-esteem and insecuritues are killing this IMO.

 

Try and get a handle on those issues first...before embarking on a relationship with anyone.

 

Jmo....

[JiltedJane]

i would also like to add that i usually don't hear from him for several days after our dates, and he never kisses me goodbye when I leave. the last one, i took the initiative and did it (yes he seemed suprised). he only walks me to his door, never my car.

 

So how should I go about contacting him enough to show I'm interested without looking like a stage 5 clinger? How do I approach the subject of getting him to contact me more? Guys opinions would be especially appreciated.

 

And yes, I am VERY guarded. My last boyfriend of 2.5 yrs abused me in everyway possible. Before him, I was in a 5 yr relationship with someone who was only dating me until someone "better" (meaning of his culture) came along. I'm over both men and have been dating for the past 10 months. But since then I've ended up with a guys who already have girlfriends (which i find out later), ones who only want to hook up, ones who ghost, and one turned out to be gay and was trying to make me his beard (I'll admit that was a more obvious one with a ton of red flags).

Edited June 29, 2015 by JiltedJane

[Redhead14]

I would like it to go faster though. I just can't tell if hes a player or is just really relaxed when it comes to settling down, or if he gives a **** about me in general.

 

Yes, women do tend to want to speed things up. But, the truth is she can't. All she can do is be receptive and let him show her what he has to offer her and weigh whether those things meet HER needs. You observe whether they are dating you "Properly" -- like a man who wants a real relationship and let him lead for the most part. And, very early on it's important to have a conversation about what you each want for yourselves out of your dating experiences. If you're not on the same page with that, all the other stuff doesn't matter anyway. And, yeah, he could say he wants a relationship, but that's where your dating and observation skills come in. How does he date you? Is he making you feel his interest, etc.

 

If he's player, he won't be dating you properly. He'll be making short-notice dates and/or cancelling on short notice on a regular basis. He won't be giving you prime date real estate either, Friday/Saturday at least very often. He'll be spotty about communicating, he may be sexual alot in his communication but most of all, he will not be making you feel secure in the "relationship".

 

Sit back and observe. Be receptive and balanced in terms of showing interest. And, yeah, most women want a guy who comes on hard and strong, but consistency is important too. He may be a little bit "slower", but if he's consistent and gradually building things up, that's ok too. If it's not really moving upward for too long, it's gonna get boring and the connection won't stick.

[Gary S]

katiezillia is right (good job superstar!). OP killed momentum by ending the dates for more than a month. People who like somebody don't do that, it's odd, and he probably picked up on it. If I could not see a woman for more than a week, I'd drop her - it's going nowhere.

 

If you are not interested in the guy, why not find someone else to date? It sounds like you are spinning your wheels.

[Gaeta]

Yes, women do tend to want to speed things up. But, the truth is she can't. All she can do is be receptive and let him show her what he has to offer her and weigh whether those things meet HER needs.

 

Dating is a 2 people business. You're telling her to sit back and let him do all the work. It's about BOTH needs. If they're compatible and complement each other well. No it's not all about her. We're not in 1965 anymore, women can be assertive about what they want.

[Gary S]

Gaeta is right, women can and do ask men out all the time. And let me just say, from a man's perspective, it's great!

 

But for the OP, from a woman's perspective, I don't recommend risking rejection. Why bother if most men will do the work for you?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta is right, women can and do ask men out all the time. And let me just say, from a man's perspective, it's great!

 

But for the OP, from a woman's perspective, I don't recommend risking rejection. Why bother if most men will do the work for you?

 

Are you offering the woman's perspective here? ;-)

 

Here is my perspective. It's been 5 dates. By that many dates you know if you want to make it exclusive and learn about this person on a deeper level. She calls him, invites him out, HER treat!! and she shows her interest. If she gets rejected than she moves to next, at least she is not going to waste another minute on a man that's lucky warm about her.

[Gaeta]

I must be wired like a man, I don't understand this business of being afraid to hurt or that fear of appearing cligny.

[JiltedJane]

So five dates is considered significant then?

 

I know it sounds stupid. But I've been on anywhere from 6-15 dates with different men and they still don't want exclusivity or they disappear completely.

[preraph]

So i've been casually seeing a guy once a week for a month now. We went on two dates back in April, but I was constantly busy and didn't have time to start seeing him again until June. He did consistently ask me out every week though. We've been a 5 dates total. Here are the things that I'm concerned about and need to know if these are red flags or if I need to calm the f down, lol.

 

1. I only hear from him once a week- to make and confirm plans. This actually doesn't bother me too much because if I heard from him everyday I'd go crazy, but since society tells me he should be texting constantly, I'm getting concerned. He also rarely has his phone out, but doesn't hide it when he does have a text. He also said he doesn't like texting.

 

2. Still on tinder- so am i . I know i'm being a hypocrite, but I'm not meeting anybody.

 

3. Told him I only have sex when in a relationship. Still asked me out afterwards, but didn't push for anything.

 

4. Only started showing interest into my personality and likes/dislikes on the 5th date. Before it was mostly him talking and me listening. He finally started asking me questions. Is that a good sign?

 

5. Should I ask him out for the next date? I don't want to come off as clingy.

 

Since you are the one who gave the "only have sex when in relationship" speech, him going very slowly is appropriate. One month is too soon to expect anything in the way of commitment and I doubt he's looking forward to frequent no-sex dates with you and probably figures this way if he's not trying to grope you every other day, you will get along better until you decide if he's worthy and he decides if you're worth making a commitment to.

[kendahke]

I admit it's confusing.

 

I myself am extremely confused. I don't know what to do or how to behave because every guy I meet has these "rules" for how clingy a woman is supposed to act, or how aloof, when you're supposed to put out, etc, etc.

Then when things don't work out and you talk about it with outsiders you get the "well that was a red flag there" or something of that nature.

 

In terms of the texting thing, the lack of texting/infrequent communication bothers me because everyone says that if they like you enough they'll be contacting you. I have reached out in the past, but it takes significantly longer for a reply from him. That's a small red flag.

 

In terms of the pace, I'm keeping it slow in terms of the sexual stuff. I feel like we should know more about eachother before hitting the sheets.

 

The whole "relationship" is still very fresh IMO, but I want to know if his behaviors are on the normal/interested side. I realize I've given mixed signals- but it is mostly out of fear of being played or hurt again.

 

You know what? I think you would have a far clearer vision of how to proceed if you'd trust your own judgment and quit going off of what other people who are unrelated to your life and your experiences think because they're not the ones involved with this guy: you are.

 

Stop sending mixed signals. You can't prevent someone from playing you except by removing yourself from the dating scene altogether and being alone. If you want to go slow, then allow him to go slow, too. Stop expecting him to rush in to be met by you swatting his interest down. Pretty soon he's going to take your cue and leave you alone.

 

Act by what comes naturally and honestly to you. Quite being someone you're not. If you like him, act like you like him for the sake of conveying to him that you like him not to machine an outcome.

[kendahke]

i would also like to add that i usually don't hear from him for several days after our dates, and he never kisses me goodbye when I leave. the last one, i took the initiative and did it (yes he seemed suprised). he only walks me to his door, never my car.

 

So how should I go about contacting him enough to show I'm interested without looking like a stage 5 clinger? How do I approach the subject of getting him to contact me more? Guys opinions would be especially appreciated.

 

YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND LET HIM KNOW THAT.

 

See, this is what I'm not getting. Why do you have to be a "stage 5 clinger" for you to convey to him that you really like him and want to spend time with him? Just say that you really like him and would like to spend more time with him. If he says, "yes", then good. If he says "no", then you have your answer and you can move forward.

 

And yes, I am VERY guarded. My last boyfriend of 2.5 yrs abused me in everyway possible. Before him, I was in a 5 yr relationship with someone who was only dating me until someone "better" (meaning of his culture) came along. I'm over both men and have been dating for the past 10 months.

 

But since then I've ended up with a guys who already have girlfriends (which i find out later), ones who only want to hook up, ones who ghost, and one turned out to be gay and was trying to make me his beard (I'll admit that was a more obvious one with a ton of red flags).

 

I don't think that you are over either of them. I think that if you were over them, you wouldn't be attracting the same character in different bodies or assigning their baggage to this new guy and expecting him to carry, unpack and sort it for you. This should all be long resolved by now and your judgment as to whether or not this guy is the guy you should be dealing with would have a laser focus, not this cloud of confusion.

 

I dare say you may have a bit more work to do with yourself before you're ready to be in a new relationship. The ghosts of the past should have been long exorcised by now. And to be fair to this new guy, they all need to be well and gone from your psyche.

[JiltedJane]

I am completely over both these men. I realize that anyone new I meet is not them. I don't think it's completely irrational to have your guard up with someone who you know can potentially hurt you. If anything it would be incredibly naive of me to enter any new dating situation with incredibly high hopes. It would be as if I learned nothing.

 

And for the record, he hasn't been Prince Charming either. Even before my month hiatus, the texting was still only once a week. During the MIA month he'd pop up sporadically to hang out last minute. Now I find myself doing the texting because I'm impatient.

[walkingonair]

So i've been casually seeing a guy once a week for a month now. We went on two dates back in April, but I was constantly busy and didn't have time to start seeing him again until June. He did consistently ask me out every week though. We've been a 5 dates total. Here are the things that I'm concerned about and need to know if these are red flags or if I need to calm the f down, lol.

 

1. I only hear from him once a week- to make and confirm plans. This actually doesn't bother me too much because if I heard from him everyday I'd go crazy, but since society tells me he should be texting constantly, I'm getting concerned. He also rarely has his phone out, but doesn't hide it when he does have a text. He also said he doesn't like texting.

 

2. Still on tinder- so am i . I know i'm being a hypocrite, but I'm not meeting anybody.

 

3. Told him I only have sex when in a relationship. Still asked me out afterwards, but didn't push for anything.

 

4. Only started showing interest into my personality and likes/dislikes on the 5th date. Before it was mostly him talking and me listening. He finally started asking me questions. Is that a good sign?

 

5. Should I ask him out for the next date? I don't want to come off as clingy.

 

 

Red flag and the fact that he's on tinder is the biggest red flag.Most guys on there just want casual dating/sex and are there for a rebound after their recent breakup.Trust me.Past Experiences.....