I cheated, not remorseful.

[spanz1]

You told her. She said go ahead. If I were you I'd expose THAT little piece of info to everyone.

 

 

 

yeah what is her deal. she refuses to work on the marriage, gives you permission to go screw someone else, then is shocked that you did it?? I guess she thought you were bluffing, and instead of investing in the marriage decided to play games and call your bluff instead.

 

So...tell her where to get off. just let everyone you know find out she is a frigid bitch that drove you away, and after pleading with her, you could not take any more.

[spanz1]

Well, you should know by now when a woman says "go ahead" what she really means is "please don't do that"

.

 

 

 

that, in a perverted way, MAY be the way some women work.

 

 

but when I guy says "if I do not get some sex I will go find it elsewhere", there is no hidden meaning here. he means he is going to go find the car keys and hit the local bar to cruise for some love. SHE should have believed him! guys are not that complicated, they usually DO what they SAY they will do.

[Tayla]

for every appauling action, there is an equal balance of repurcussions. His blindly announcing he is out to get some, doesn't get a medal in honesty. He gets the fickle finger award for manipulating the scenario into a catch 22. His actions and lack of remorse are telling . she needs to divorce him and take her pride with her.

[elaine567]

What a dreadful way to behave.

 

OK we get that you wanted to cheat, but to use her sarcastic reply to your ridiculous suggestion that you were about to cheat on her, as "permission" is appalling.

I thought you said you were a Christian, is that really what Christians do?

 

Suggesting that if you didn't get sex, you were going elsewhere is just what women want to hear, the emotional connection took a severe hit right there, and and then you did go elsewhere - well done.

Women like to feel wanted, loved and desired, not used as a sperm receptacle.

 

Also I see you wrote:

#3

I'm not a BS myself, but I feel for you BS's. IMO being cheated on comes close to the horrible feeling of losing a child AND being "ripped off" major. The pain caused to the BS is hellish and to be honest with you I applaud all of you who have risen above from betrayal and come out as stronger, better people. You didn't deserve it guys. I hope out of all these horrible experiences that you have found someone who is better for you, or are at least happily single. My heart and soul empathizes for you all.

- but obviously your wife doesn't deserve your empathy...

 

[Darren Steez]

Do you have a question? What are you looking for here at LS?

My sentiments exactly. What's the point of this thread? Someone will probably pipe up and give the generic it may help others but OP is a grown man and is makes said decisions with his eyes wide open.

 

So enjoy your life...such as it is.

[autumnnight]

for every appauling action, there is an equal balance of repurcussions. His blindly announcing he is out to get some, doesn't get a medal in honesty. He gets the fickle finger award for manipulating the scenario into a catch 22. His actions and lack of remorse are telling . she needs to divorce him and take her pride with her.

 

The same pride that motivated her to starve her husband for years...

[casey.lives]

sex is an expression of what's inside.. if they had nothing inside, sex isn't the answer. ultimatums are very counterproductive and immature. sorry

[elaine567]

The same pride that motivated her to starve her husband for years...

 

Marriage only consummated a year ago.

#45 - In MC we basically addressed that we don't understand each other and we have poor communication skills, plus cultural issues, and language barrier. The no sex, was actually because we had not had a chance to get blood tested, and I had completely misunderstood that from her end as just not wanting to have sex. The cold attitude torwards me, well in their culture what we consider rude is actually polite in their culture! Anyway after really talking about everything we decided to give things another go.

Grazie for your help! Will update you on everything... and yes the marriage is now consumated

 

This was always going to be difficult union, and cheating a year in, is a pretty poor show surely?

[whichwayisup]

I think one word sums it up here.

 

Divorce.

[merrmeade]

What a dreadful way to behave.

 

OK we get that you wanted to cheat, but to use her sarcastic reply to your ridiculous suggestion that you were about to cheat on her, as "permission" is appalling.

I thought you said you were a Christian, is that really what Christians do?

 

Suggesting that if you didn't get sex, you were going elsewhere is just what women want to hear, the emotional connection took a severe hit right there, and and then you did go elsewhere - well done.

Women like to feel wanted, loved and desired, not used as a sperm receptacle.

 

Also I see you wrote:

- but obviously your wife doesn't deserve your empathy...

 

wow awesome post, elaine, along woth your next one. Your research provided the needed background.

 

which makes me wonder - if OP communicates like that with us, he's doing the same with her and others. With that, the high stakes games they are playing and lack of headway with MC and their initial problems, I don't see much hope.

[autumnnight]

Marriage only consummated a year ago.

 

 

This was always going to be difficult union, and cheating a year in, is a pretty poor show surely?

 

Ah....Somehow I got the idea that this couple had been married for years and this had been a long term problem the wife refused to address.

 

Yeah, if you are already having problems this big less than a year into the marriage...walk away.

[Spectre]

You shouldn't of cheated, but you should absolutely be making it known about her months of rejection and then her giving you permission to sleep around as if she thought after months of denying you that you were just playing a little joke on her by saying you would go elsewhere. She wants to expose you? Well, fair is fair then. She can expose that you cheated if she wants. You can likewise expose why you cheated.

 

EDIT: Also, only married a year and have already had to go months without sex? You should of just divorced her right then and there. She was being a horrible wife, but instead of coming off the better person..you cheated, so now she will probably be glossing over her own bad behavior whenever she decides to tell people how awful you are for cheating. You shot yourself in the foot here.

 

You also shouldn't of told her you'd go elsewhere. She likewise should of never put you in a position to even need to say that, not this early in the marriage. You both acted wrong, I would just divorce since..even if you take away your cheating you were still heading in that direction anyways. Not even married a year and already going months without sex? Not even worth it man.

 

I'd divorce and if you want to salvage your reputation I would make it known why you did what you did..but also be sure to make it clear you aren't trying to excuse what you did. However, she decided to air the dirty laundry so you have every right to respond and expose why you did what you did.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

She was being a horrible wife, but instead of coming off the better person..you cheated, so now she will probably be glossing over her own bad behavior whenever she decides to tell people how awful you are for cheating. You shot yourself in the foot here.

 

This. You lost any high ground you had when you cheated, even though she did tell you "go ahead." I would take Spectre's advice here.

[GrandeH]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

[dreamingoftigers]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

 

Did you actually read what you wrote?

 

 

Are you serious?

 

 

You can't be serious.

 

 

You "love" your wife and "take your vows seriously."

 

 

But you seek permission and pressure your wife into giving it to sleep with a High School friend.

 

 

That CANCELS the marriage.

 

 

I honestly think that you weren't really connecting with her to begin with, which is why the sex wasn't happening. She made it pretty clear that you had cultural and other issues. Instead of working through some of those and forming a connection, you pushed the sexual side of things and stepped out instead of setting any kind of appropriate or healthy boundary regarding it.

 

 

She may not have been right AT ALL but your response is just.....

 

 

RIDICULOUS.

 

 

And then to say you took your vows seriously and are even considering IMPREGNATING her!?!?

 

 

DO NOT force a baby to come into this trainwreck. A baby is NOT going to improve things for anyone and you will have a very miserable kid having to grow up with two parents who suck at reasonably resolving conflict.

 

 

Two parents who shatter each other on such a deep level. Jeez. DO NOT have a baby.

 

 

And really, who thinks of having a baby with someone they just cheated on, that doesn't want to talk to them despite your "grand gestures" (like she really owes you something because of your special grand gestures. )

 

 

Seriously. Separate. Work through your own issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

And no, your marriage doesn't resemble anything close to a partnership between two intimate adults.

 

 

In fact, your marriage is so messed up it makes my marriage look good in comparison. That's talent.

[whichwayisup]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

This marriage is horrible

How do you take your marriage vows seriously if you went off and had sex with someone else?

 

You say it's a crappy horrible marriage. Your mom wants you to impregnant your wife to have a family... Are you kidding me? Having a baby is NOT going to help your marriage, bringing a child into an unstable, unhappy marriage will make it worse, not better.

 

Divorce. It's obvious you have no respect for your wife, you're not in love with her and she's lost respect for you as well after what you did.

 

The grand gestures aren't enough to 'save' your marriage. (what grand gestures did you offer her? Just curious)

[elaine567]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

 

How condescending and thick can you be?

You have completely ruined your marriage with your cheating exploit - do you not get that?

She will hate you, especially as she is essentially stuck, with divorce being culturally a no go.

YOU mucked up big time, you are now stuck for life with a woman who will despise you for what you did there, well done.

[autumnnight]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

 

You do understand that regardless of her sarcastic "go ahead" (which she did not mean) she is completely crushed by your betrayal, right? Do you have the capacity for empathy and remorse?

[Phoenician]

You could have done the manly thing and divorced her with your integrity and honor intact.

 

Instead, you cheated.

 

Your loss of reputation is on you.

 

In my last marriage, we only had sex TWICE in FIVE YEARS (and both of those times were so quick I failed to orgasm) Did I cheat? Nope. I'd rather have my honor, respect, and integrity than an orgasm.

 

Divorced him instead.

 

Now I have nothing to be ashamed of. Funny how that works, eh?

 

 

I respect u jane , but I don't want to appear as a sex discriminator ; but as human male ; this is more difficult for us men ; though i am in a very rocky marriage almost sexless for 15 years ; haven't cheated yet ,but now im vulnerable .

 

BUT looking at OP , the fact that he told her before , and told her after , means that he didn't cheat .The declaration of disagreement fact is as the decalaration of an agreement in an open marriage .

 

Now the diovorce issue is a different topic , we don't have enough details ; I can't leave my kids for instance , I am seperated with her , yet can't leave my kids....

[Radu]

Hi LS,

 

Been a while since I posted last. My situation is not that uncommon. After things had improved with my wife regarding sex and intimacy they quickly went back to the way they were.

 

I warned my wife several times that I wanted sex and only for her, but that if I didn't get it from her I would look elsewhere. Well after 4 months of constant rejection and no intimacy, I strayed and slept with an old HS friend of mine. I did not sneak around, I made it perfectly known to her that I was going to sleep with this woman and she said "go right ahead honey" to quote verbatim, assuming I was making an empty threat. After the deed was complete and she saw that I did in fact sleep my HS friend she got mad at me!!! Wtf right?!

 

Anyway now I don't know what to do. This marriage is horrible and i'm not sure myself if she is cheating on me or not. She is angry at me and exposing my "affair" to everyone in our town. My reputation has been compromised and my family is dissappointed in me but no one knows of what led me to it. She is constantly crying and is rarely speaking to me. Not sure if I want to divorce or if she wants to divorce either....

 

Be proactive, tell your story, including that you had permission.

 

In a way this is what you wanted, otherwise you would have slept with the girl on the down-low.

I think that deep down you wanted her to leave you [without the drama] ... well, you just handed her a pedestal, and she is not going to leave.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Radu

[Chi townD]

I cheated, not remorseful.

 

 

Okay, so if your not remorseful, then what are you doing here?

 

 

Unless you're upset that your marriage is falling apart now. But, what did you expect to happen?

[SammySammy]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

 

I was on your side until this post.

 

Dude, you can't be serious.

[Spectre]

I don't think you love your wife or that she loves you. So best to divorce to me.

 

I mean, you did wrong..but I'm really trying to understand why a women married for not that long and already refusing months of sex..and KNOWING she has refused this sex, would say "oh yeah go ahead". Even if she thought she was joking..uh, is the fact you won't sleep with your husband to the point he needs to go else where a laughing matter?

 

In her mind, did she think you were just supposed to accept it and become a monk?

[stillafool]

But I love my wife and i'm not so eager to quickly join the statistics of divorced people. Unlike certain people I take my vows seriously and will not just divorce her because I didn't get laid. It's a crappy marriage but it is still a marriage is it not? My mother thinks I should impregnate her so we csn have a family together. BW is still not talkkng to me despite my grand gestures... ahh women, can't live with them can't live without them!!

 

If you love your wife and are willing to put up with a sexless marriage for the rest of your life what do you want from LS?