I don't belong...

[Justanaverageguy]

I don't know whether I'm " depressed " or not, but I feel like it's reactionary to what's around me. Even if I am "depressed", it's a reaction to everything I've seen and experienced, and continue to experience every day. It's not going to get any better unless my life situation changes. And my life situation simply doesn't change.

.....

What difference does it really make, though? Medication and/ or therapy won't change the world around me. And if I'm "depressed", that's where it comes from, the world around me. It's reactionary. I didn't start out my life being "depressed". I've grown to feel the way I do because of the world around me. The perpetual failures to connect with people, the perpetual "rejection" from the world around me, the perpetual failure to find and/ or take advantage of opportunities to advance my life, the fact that I have no idea how to even begin making my hopes and dreams a reality.

 

My advice to you is simply this. You have the above statement completely around the wrong way. Your mindset and emotions are not a reaction to your life experience. Your life experience is a direct reaction to your mindset. You say you can't change your mindset because of your life experiences..... I say your life experiences can't change until you change your mindset. I love this poem that was written by a teen girl in the US and recently went viral. I think it contains a lesson for you to learn.

 

 

Today was the absolute worst day ever

And don’t try to convince me that

There’s something good in every day

Because, when you take a closer look,

This world is a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.

And it’s not true that

It’s all in the mind and heart

Because

True happiness can be attained

Only if one’s surroundings are good

It’s not true that good exists

I’m sure you can agree that

The reality

Creates

My attitude

It’s all beyond my control

And you’ll never in a million years hear me say

Today was a very good day

 

 

Now read it from bottom to top, the other way, and see what I feel about my day and how life really works.

 

Change your mind and you will change your life

[Inflikted]

My advice to you is simply this. You have the above statement completely around the wrong way. Your mindset and emotions are not a reaction to your life experience. Your life experience is a direct reaction to your mindset. You say you can't change your mindset because of your life experiences..... I say your life experiences can't change until you change your mindset. I love this poem that was written by a teen girl in the US and recently went viral. I think it contains a lesson for you to learn.

 

 

Today was the absolute worst day ever

And don’t try to convince me that

There’s something good in every day

Because, when you take a closer look,

This world is a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.

And it’s not true that

It’s all in the mind and heart

Because

True happiness can be attained

Only if one’s surroundings are good

It’s not true that good exists

I’m sure you can agree that

The reality

Creates

My attitude

It’s all beyond my control

And you’ll never in a million years hear me say

Today was a very good day

 

 

Now read it from bottom to top, the other way, and see what I feel about my day and how life really works.

 

Change your mind and you will change your life

 

Sorry, I just don't agree.

 

The world operates on "survival of the fittest". From career, to friendship, to dating, and practically everything else. People want the best (or at least, what they perceive to be the best). And I'm simply not fit for this world, for anything. I can't convince anyone that I'm "the best" for them, whether it's for a job, for friendship, for dating.

 

Most people are fit enough to get by in this world, and have good things in their life. I simply am not. I don't expect the average normal person to be able to understand what that feels like, to know that you're just not good enough to have anything in this world.

 

At the very least, some people are very good at portraying themselves as "fit" for this world, even if they're really not, and they do a good job at convincing people around them. Me, I am what I am, and that's useless, worthless human garbage, and I don't have the skill to convince anyone that I'm anything other than what I am.

[Justanaverageguy]

Hey thats entirely up to you. I'm not going to say you are wrong because the interesting thing about the poem I posted is that both the forward version and reverse version are both completely true. Neither is incorrect - the truth of which one you live in your life depends entirely on which you decide to believe. So you are free to go on living your life with the "forward" negative version that you believe now. You will have the exact same perpetual negative experiences you have complained about. Feel free to go right ahead and do that I'm not going to stop you.

 

If on the very slight chance you wanted to actually do something about your situation and not just complain and whinge about it .... why not take a chance on the reverse option ? Try an experiment even just for a day.

 

If I could offer some advice on a first step instead of focusing on the negative - instead of focusing on how every one doesn't like or appreciate you - make an effort to go out of your way to do something positive for someone else. Find someone you know - maybe even from one of these support groups who is really down on their luck right now and go out of your way to help them or assist them and do something nice. If you don't know anyone in this situation then maybe just go and buy a drink and a sandwich for a homeless guy on the street. Go into the situation believing they will appreciate your help and then watch what happens.

 

I believe in the laws of physics. They state that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. When you give something positive to someone else the universe has no choice but to give back to you in return. You just have to be open and willing to accept it when it does.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[mrnova]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

- We have to give if we want to get.

That does not relate to everybody. Fact of it is there are people that can step in crap and smell like a rose and a person that smell like rose always have crap thrown at them. I see some of the bigest a=holes/jerks have people love them to dealth

[mrnova]

I don't care what anyone has told you in the past YOU are depressed and the sooner you get yourself on medication and into therapy the better.

Sorry that is not the answer. The answer is if people would treat each other with respect as human beings, Then just maybe people would not have to pop pills all day to get through life. And please do not get me started on these so call professionals that are in it for tyhe money. They could careless about people. If people truly had good friends then they would not have to waste their money on pills and con artist

[Justanaverageguy]

Sorry that is not the answer. The answer is if people would treat each other with respect as human beings, Then just maybe people would not have to pop pills all day to get through life. And please do not get me started on these so call professionals that are in it for tyhe money. They could careless about people. If people truly had good friends then they would not have to waste their money on pills and con artist

 

Correct and the respect starts with respecting yourself. That's the most important respect any person can have. If you do not love and respect yourself do not expect others to love and respect you. Once you have that down you can move onto respecting and caring for others.

 

That does not relate to everybody. Fact of it is there are people that can step in crap and smell like a rose and a person that smell like rose always have crap thrown at them. I see some of the bigest a=holes/jerks have people love them to dealth

 

Human behavior can be mapped as a position on a circle - it is not a line with good at one end and bad at the other. It is bad at both extremes and good in the middle. You want to place your behavior in the middle. Healthy amount of love and respect for yourself and for others. This is where consistent happiness happens.

 

Too little love and respect for yourself you will be sad and alone and likely taken advantage of by people who use others. Too much love and respect for yourself and you become a narcissistic selfish ahole who is also sad and alone and uses other people only for their own benefit. Its a loop like the color wheel where the ultra violet and infrared colors are opposite ends of the spectrum but also colors that sit directly next to each other on the wheel. Too much and too little essentially sit right next to each other on the happiness scale. They basically have very little of it.

 

You want to be in the middle. Treat yourself and others with respect and care and others will do the same to you.

[Inflikted]

I believe in the laws of physics. They state that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. When you give something positive to someone else the universe has no choice but to give back to you in return. You just have to be open and willing to accept it when it does.

 

I don't believe that. There's no system of "order" in the universe like that. I've done plenty of nice things for people, and never once does the universe give me the "eye for an eye" treatment. Admittedly, I don't really do big obvious grand gestures, but any time I can see a way to make the lives of people around me a little bit easier and convenient, I do it, mainly because I WANT to believe in the "eye for an eye" philosophy. But in practice, the things I do always fly under the radar. No one ever seems to care or appreciate it, most of the time, people don't even really seem to notice or realize I even did anything.

 

Likewise, I don't believe that people stay away from me because I'm "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever. Again, I've not always been "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever, but I HAVE never been able to connect with people.

 

From what I've been able to surmise from people I've tried to interact with, people have implied to me that I'm not talkative enough, that I don't "open up" enough, that I'm not "interesting" enough. And that's just the "nice" things people indicate to me, the things they're willing to say to my face.

 

Statistically speaking, there HAVE to be people in the world that are completely and utterly worthless, that are total wastes of life with absolutely nothing to offer the world. All signs point to me being one such person. And I just... I'm not really sure how to have a happy life while knowing that I'm not good enough, not fit to be a part of this world.

[Justanaverageguy]

I don't believe that. There's no system of "order" in the universe like that. I've done plenty of nice things for people, and never once does the universe give me the "eye for an eye" treatment. Admittedly, I don't really do big obvious grand gestures, but any time I can see a way to make the lives of people around me a little bit easier and convenient, I do it, mainly because I WANT to believe in the "eye for an eye" philosophy. But in practice, the things I do always fly under the radar. No one ever seems to care or appreciate it, most of the time, people don't even really seem to notice or realize I even did anything.

 

Likewise, I don't believe that people stay away from me because I'm "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever. Again, I've not always been "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever, but I HAVE never been able to connect with people.

 

From what I've been able to surmise from people I've tried to interact with, people have implied to me that I'm not talkative enough, that I don't "open up" enough, that I'm not "interesting" enough. And that's just the "nice" things people indicate to me, the things they're willing to say to my face.

 

Statistically speaking, there HAVE to be people in the world that are completely and utterly worthless, that are total wastes of life with absolutely nothing to offer the world. All signs point to me being one such person. And I just... I'm not really sure how to have a happy life while knowing that I'm not good enough, not fit to be a part of this world.

 

There is a system of order - you don't realise that you are the very definition of living proof of that system. The truth that governs the universe is this - What you believe is what you will experience. The universe is nothing more then a mirror that reflects back exactly what you think about yourself and others.

 

At the moment you have repeatedly stated that you are worthless, that people don't like you or connect with you, that you are not good enough and not fit to be a part of this world. That's what you believe so that's exactly what the universe is giving you. That is all you will get back from the universe until you change your mindset. The universe treats you the way you believe you should be treated.

 

To reuse the mirror analogy - At the moment you are a sad, angry depressed person staring into a mirror which is the universe. So what do you see in the reflection that is the universe ? Sadness, anger and depression. At the moment you are saying it is not possible for you to smile or be happy because the reflection you are looking at is sad, angry and depressed. You are saying you will only smile if the reflection in the mirror smiles first.

 

Do you see how impossible that is! You have to smile first - then the reflection you are looking at - the universe will smile back Try it. Believe that things can be different and see what happens.

[Inflikted]

Do you see how impossible that is! You have to smile first - then the reflection you are looking at - the universe will smile back Try it. Believe that things can be different and see what happens.

 

Like I said, though, it's not like I've always been the way I am. Back when I was younger, I was more optimistic and hopeful. I did believe in good things, I did believe I could eventually have a happy fulfilling life. And what good did that do for me? Nothing. I kept failing at life, and getting rejected by the world around me, and it just kept piling up and piling up, and eventually turned me into the person I am today.

 

At this point, I don't even know HOW to "believe", or convince myself, that things will be different/ better in the future. It just feels like lying to myself, to even have those thoughts. The way I see it, the last several years of my life are proof positive that my life simply does not get better. I can't just put the past behind me, let it go, and start over. I wish I could, but I can't. Everything that I've seen and experienced over the last several years has affected me too deeply.

[mrnova]

Correct and the respect starts with respecting yourself. That's the most important respect any person can have. If you do not love and respect yourself do not expect others to love and respect you. Once you have that down you can move onto respecting and caring for others.

 

 

 

Human behavior can be mapped as a position on a circle - it is not a line with good at one end and bad at the other. It is bad at both extremes and good in the middle. You want to place your behavior in the middle. Healthy amount of love and respect for yourself and for others. This is where consistent happiness happens.

 

Too little love and respect for yourself you will be sad and alone and likely taken advantage of by people who use others. Too much love and respect for yourself and you become a narcissistic selfish ahole who is also sad and alone and uses other people only for their own benefit. Its a loop like the color wheel where the ultra violet and infrared colors are opposite ends of the spectrum but also colors that sit directly next to each other on the wheel. Too much and too little essentially sit right next to each other on the happiness scale. They basically have very little of it.

 

You want to be in the middle. Treat yourself and others with respect and care and others will do the same to you.

I do no know if you are referring to me in your OPINION. But if you are you do not know me or my past experience with the a=holes of the world.

[mrnova]

I don't believe that. There's no system of "order" in the universe like that. I've done plenty of nice things for people, and never once does the universe give me the "eye for an eye" treatment. Admittedly, I don't really do big obvious grand gestures, but any time I can see a way to make the lives of people around me a little bit easier and convenient, I do it, mainly because I WANT to believe in the "eye for an eye" philosophy. But in practice, the things I do always fly under the radar. No one ever seems to care or appreciate it, most of the time, people don't even really seem to notice or realize I even did anything.

 

Likewise, I don't believe that people stay away from me because I'm "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever. Again, I've not always been "depressed"/ "negative"/ whatever, but I HAVE never been able to connect with people.

 

From what I've been able to surmise from people I've tried to interact with, people have implied to me that I'm not talkative enough, that I don't "open up" enough, that I'm not "interesting" enough. And that's just the "nice" things people indicate to me, the things they're willing to say to my face.

 

Statistically speaking, there HAVE to be people in the world that are completely and utterly worthless, that are total wastes of life with absolutely nothing to offer the world. All signs point to me being one such person. And I just... I'm not really sure how to have a happy life while knowing that I'm not good enough, not fit to be a part of this world.

I totally agree with this post. You can treat people like gold and they will still use and abuse you. people in general are all for themselves. Yes they can play nicey nice. And smile at you, But when your back is turn around the knife will be put in your back, And this is the topper. Society will blame you for being so trusting. Or the a=holes of the world will blame you. Then people wonder why they want to be alone. Which is a choice.

[Justanaverageguy]

Like I said, though, it's not like I've always been the way I am. Back when I was younger, I was more optimistic and hopeful. I did believe in good things, I did believe I could eventually have a happy fulfilling life. And what good did that do for me? Nothing. I kept failing at life, and getting rejected by the world around me, and it just kept piling up and piling up, and eventually turned me into the person I am today.

 

At this point, I don't even know HOW to "believe", or convince myself, that things will be different/ better in the future. It just feels like lying to myself, to even have those thoughts. The way I see it, the last several years of my life are proof positive that my life simply does not get better. I can't just put the past behind me, let it go, and start over. I wish I could, but I can't. Everything that I've seen and experienced over the last several years has affected me too deeply.

 

The problem is when you experienced a failure in life you let it impact and destroy your belief in yourself. People who are truly successful at life are not those who were instantly successful. They were not perfect the first time. They did not get their dreams handed to them on a silver platter. No because life is hard - you have to work for what you get. That I will not dispute but the battle you have to win in life is the one you have inside with yourself. The people who succeed in life are the ones who don't let failure stop them. The ones that keep coming back again .... and again .... and again. The people who don't stop trying until they win. The ones who don't listen to what other people say is possible for them. The ones who don't listen to the the little negative voice inside their head that says - I'm not good enough. They rise above that and listen to the voice that says - I can do this - even if nobody else see's this - I can see it for myself. They are the winners in life. They are the people who do not let outside failures affect their inner belief. You can choose to be a winner if you change your mindset.

 

Its easy from the outside to look at somebody else and say they have it easy. It comes so naturally to them, they came from a rich back ground. But everyone has their own demons to face. Everyone has their own struggles to overcome. You have yours to face and at the moment you are running away scared. Stop running. Turn and face them. Everything that has happened to you over the last few years only affects you because you let it. You have a choice and you have chosen to focus on the past instead of the future. Hold onto the pain, to the anger and torment and wither and die. Or let it all go ..... and grow. You can make that choice. It is not impossible to forgive and forget and move on.

 

At the moment you quite literally need to start from scratch and reprogram your brain. Seriously the brain is nothing more then an input output machine. It takes information in and then creates thoughts, feelings, emotions and ideas from that input. If all you are putting into your brain is negativity then all you will ever get out is negativity.

 

So number 1. Stop focusing on how bad everything is. For gods sake life is beautiful. Take a walk in the park. Go to the beach. Or just sit and stair at the clouds. Go and help other people.

2. Turn off the TV. Don't watch the news. Its garbage. Its negative soul destroying garbage. If you watch something on TV make it something carefully selected that is inspirational and uplifting.

2. Start watching what you eat. Have some self discipline. Cut sugary, fatty foods that destroy your health. Stop drinking beer and sodas and start eating healthy nutritious food.

4. Get a pet. These are scientifically proven to improve human moods.

5. Start listening to self help and motivational audio on how to improve yourself and your mood. (Tony Robbins, Les Brown etc etc). The subconscious brain is most impressionable immediately after you wake up and before you go to sleep. You can literally reprogram the emotions it produces through out the day by repetitively listening to uplifting and positive things at these times.

6. Start taking your mental health seriously. Go to a shrink .... or I would even recommend a hypnotist. Seriously. Hypnosis is again a good way to deal with and face hurtful issues in your past you are holding onto. It is also great for reprogramming your subconscious.

7. Lastly just choose to smile. Sounds simple but seriously every single person you see - smile at them. I promise you the more you do this the more people will begin to smile back.

 

This is your life man. This is all you get. Its worth the effort to face the pain and overcome it so you can find out whats on the other side.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Justanaverageguy]

The way I see it, the last several years of my life are proof positive that my life simply does not get better. I can't just put the past behind me, let it go, and start over. I wish I could, but I can't. Everything that I've seen and experienced over the last several years has affected me too deeply.

 

On this last comment I would say it is not that you can't put the past behind you. You easily can. The real fact is that you don't want to. People who have gone through hard times become attached to their pain. They grow to like it. It becomes a security blanket that gives them an excuse for why they are not successful and happy. You can blame someone else .... rather then take responsibility for actually rectifying the problems you have. They Inflikted this on you.

 

Choose not to embrace that idea. Choose to be embrace the idea that - It is not what happens to us in life that matters. What matters is what are you going to do about it ?

[Inflikted]

So number 1. Stop focusing on how bad everything is. For gods sake life is beautiful. Take a walk in the park. Go to the beach. Or just sit and stair at the clouds. Go and help other people.

2. Turn off the TV. Don't watch the news. Its garbage. Its negative soul destroying garbage. If you watch something on TV make it something carefully selected that is inspirational and uplifting.

2. Start watching what you eat. Have some self discipline. Cut sugary, fatty foods that destroy your health. Stop drinking beer and sodas and start eating healthy nutritious food.

4. Get a pet. These are scientifically proven to improve human moods.

5. Start listening to self help and motivational audio on how to improve yourself and your mood. (Tony Robbins, Les Brown etc etc). The subconscious brain is most impressionable immediately after you wake up and before you go to sleep. You can literally reprogram the emotions it produces through out the day by repetitively listening to uplifting and positive things at these times.

6. Start taking your mental health seriously. Go to a shrink .... or I would even recommend a hypnotist. Seriously. Hypnosis is again a good way to deal with and face hurtful issues in your past you are holding onto. It is also great for reprogramming your subconscious.

7. Lastly just choose to smile. Sounds simple but seriously every single person you see - smile at them. I promise you the more you do this the more people will begin to smile back.

 

See, though, I've tried each of these things at one point or another. I can't ever get myself to buy into any of them, though. It always ends up feeling like some silly exercise, and I don't truly believe the "positive" notions any of these things might give off, and it just doesn't "stick", for me.

[Justanaverageguy]

See, though, I've tried each of these things at one point or another. I can't ever get myself to buy into any of them, though. It always ends up feeling like some silly exercise, and I don't truly believe the "positive" notions any of these things might give off, and it just doesn't "stick", for me.

 

Well to borrow a quote from Arnie in Kindergatern cop .... YOU LACK DISCIPLINE!!

 

Seriously listen to this man - and try and laugh when you do. You need to apply yourself to these ideas. Not try it for 15mins and then complain that it didn't work. The universe takes time to reflect the change in your mood. There is a time delay - kind of like the time it takes light to hit the mirror and reflect back to you.

 

Start with these couple of motivational videos. Just try watching and listening to them and similar videos when ever you have spare time. Requires zero effort all you have to do is watch.

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=resaT1hxfzA

 

Do it every day. THERE IS NO BATHROOM!!!

Edited July 29, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Inflikted]

Well to borrow a quote from Arnie in Kindergatern cop .... YOU LACK DISCIPLINE!!

 

Seriously listen to this man - and try and laugh when you do. You need to apply yourself to these ideas. Not try it for 15mins and then complain that it didn't work. The universe takes time to reflect the change in your mood. There is a time delay - kind of like the time it takes light to hit the mirror and reflect back to you.

 

Start with these couple of motivational videos. Just try watching and listening to them and similar videos when ever you have spare time. Requires zero effort all you have to do is watch.

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=resaT1hxfzA

 

Do it every day. THERE IS NO BATHROOM!!!

 

I understand that it takes repetition, but like I said, I just... can't convince myself of something I don't believe. I don't "give up" on these things, but I just can't open myself up to them. The message is lost on me, because I just don't believe.

 

It's like trying to convince someone to take on a specific religion. You can teach them all about it, over and over, but if they don't believe, it doesn't matter. Repetition can't make someone believe in something they don't. Yanno?

[johndoe2]

I understand that it takes repetition, but like I said, I just... can't convince myself of something I don't believe. I don't "give up" on these things, but I just can't open myself up to them. The message is lost on me, because I just don't believe.

 

It's like trying to convince someone to take on a specific religion. You can teach them all about it, over and over, but if they don't believe, it doesn't matter. Repetition can't make someone believe in something they don't. Yanno?

Well, Blaise Pascal believed otherwise, but that's another topic I guess.

 

I must ask though, why did you create this thread? You could see why one would speculate that did so because you want to be 'converted', to keep with the analogy. Other than that, the only other reason I can think of is for the same reason people post "change my view" threads in reddit. Just for the challenge I suppose.

 

Note that I ask this as a person who does not 'believe.' I tried, but responses generally fell into one of three categories: the 'blind leading the blind' 'advice'; the "assume you have a can opener..." kind (reference to the joke about how to open a can without a can opener), and the self-contradictory class of response, a la 'be yourself while being someone else', kind of a popular rendition of Russell's Paradox. None of which is heartening.

 

It can be helpful to know one's own motives are, though.

[Justanaverageguy]

I understand that it takes repetition, but like I said, I just... can't convince myself of something I don't believe. I don't "give up" on these things, but I just can't open myself up to them. The message is lost on me, because I just don't believe.

 

It's like trying to convince someone to take on a specific religion. You can teach them all about it, over and over, but if they don't believe, it doesn't matter. Repetition can't make someone believe in something they don't. Yanno?

 

Can't and won't are entirely two different things. Its like asking a fat person to run 3km. They will tell you they can't .... they will bithch moan and complain the whole time that - it's just not possible to run any further. That they aren't capable of doing it. The truth is they are just too fat and lazy to push themselves. THEY LACK DISCIPLINE!!! Its not a matter of belief its a matter of effort.

 

So if a fat person wants to run and get fit .... what do they do ? Go on biggest loser or short of that get a Personal Trainer to literally wip their ass and force them to do it. When they say they can't do anymore the PT will just keep forcing them to do it. Sooner or later 3km becomes 5km becomes 10km becomes 20km becomes a marathon. Get yourself some mental personal trainers. Go to a shrink, go to a Hypnotist, listen to Motivational + Self Help videos and audio. Actually go and get yourself a personal trainer at the gym.

[Justanaverageguy]

 

I must ask though, why did you create this thread? You could see why one would speculate that did so because you want to be 'converted', to keep with the analogy. Other than that, the only other reason I can think of is for the same reason people post "change my view" threads in reddit. Just for the challenge I suppose.

 

It can be helpful to know one's own motives are, though.

 

To be honest I am starting to think maybe just sympathy. It doesn't sound like he is willing to actually take action to rectify it.

 

Apathy can be cured though .... with hard work and persistence. Bad habits and negative thought patterns in the brain are just neural pathways that have been repetitively taken. You need to slowly re-wire the brain by consistently and repetitively taking positive action to grow new pathways.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Inflikted]

I must ask though, why did you create this thread? You could see why one would speculate that did so because you want to be 'converted', to keep with the analogy. Other than that, the only other reason I can think of is for the same reason people post "change my view" threads in reddit. Just for the challenge I suppose.

 

Note that I ask this as a person who does not 'believe.' I tried, but responses generally fell into one of three categories: the 'blind leading the blind' 'advice'; the "assume you have a can opener..." kind (reference to the joke about how to open a can without a can opener), and the self-contradictory class of response, a la 'be yourself while being someone else', kind of a popular rendition of Russell's Paradox. None of which is heartening.

 

It can be helpful to know one's own motives are, though.

 

To be honest I am starting to think maybe just sympathy. It doesn't sound like he is willing to actually take action to rectify it.

 

Apathy can be cured though .... with hard work and persistence. Bad habits and negative thought patterns in the brain are just neural pathways that have been repetitively taken. You need to slowly re-wire the brain by consistently and repetitively taking positive action to grow new pathways.

 

I guess in truth, it's because the only people I can get to willingly interact with me and talk to me and give me any kind of attention is from random strangers on a forum like this that requires very little commitment. Whether you consider that "looking for sympathy" or "looking for attention", or whatever else, that's up to the individual to decide.

 

Nobody else is willing to give me the time of day. I'm isolated, alienated, and alone, because I can't connect with anyone in the real world. I have no one to talk to about the things I'm thinking and feeling, because no one cares. Which leaves forums like this as my only refuge to have anyone willingly give me the time of day.

 

Sure, there's therapy, but in a way, I look at that as being akin to paying for a hooker. I don't want to pay someone to pay attention to me. I don't want to pay someone to fulfill my needs. I don't want to be someone's "customer" or "client". I want peers that actually value me, and want me in their lives, and want to be a part of my life, just because they want to. Not because I'm paying their bills.

 

But no one sees me that way. Because I'm insignificant. I hold no value. I'm uninteresting, unexciting, unfunny, unattractive, highly introverted, not very talkative, not very personable, and very socially inept.

 

Yes, perhaps around here, my threads are viewed as a waste of everyone's time, at this point. For me, though, this is the best it gets. This is the closest I get to having people I can talk to about my life that are even the slightest bit willing to interact with me just because.

 

But even then, that's because forums like this are "easy". There's no real commitment involved, because everyone is practically anonymous, and everyone has a choice whether to read and reply to any given post. I can write and say whatever I want, and people can either choose to respond or choose to skip past me.

 

I'm not trying to "waste anyone's time". I'm not trying to be off-putting and purposely rejecting towards advice. But I don't believe there's any helping or "saving" me. This is my lot in life. There's nothing that can change that. But being so alone and isolated from the world is hard, and painful. If the only people that are willing to listen to me and give me the time of day without me having to pay them or do some kind of favor for them are some random strangers on an internet message board, then it's better than nothing.

[Inflikted]

As far as failing goes, let me point to the last two big things that completely gutted me.

 

A few years ago, I met my dream girl. She made perfect sense for me. I believed so strongly that this was it, this was my moment, I felt so confident... I thought I actually had a chance. I didn't. Now I have to live the rest of my life knowing that the love of my life is out there, eventually going to find someone she wants to be with, get married, etc. If I could go back and change things so that I never met her, I would, because if I didn't have the knowledge that my dream girl is out there, I wouldn't be quite so unhappy.

 

Then, a couple years ago, I finally figured out what I want to do career wise, and I found a school that made sense to me. The thing was, I had to pay $10,000 or so of my own money for it. It was a scary commitment, because ten grand isn't exactly a drop in the bucket. But I believed in it, I believed I could make my dreams come true, I believed this was the right move and would be the best thing I could do to get on the right path. Now, more than a year after graduating, and I've not been able to even get my career started. Now, I have to start coming to terms with the fact that I wasted ten grand for an education that was useless, as well as the fact that my career dreams are just that -- dreams. If I could go back in time, I'd stop myself from going to school. Ten grand could've gone to so much better use.

 

That was two gutting failures that happened in a short span of each other. I wish I had the strength and willpower to bounce back from even one of those things, let alone both of them.