I don't belong...

[pie2]

 

1. Several years I spent taking college classes (I've completed my education).
   
2. Several years I've worked in retail (I have a crappy retail job); I either can't find any entry level jobs to apply to, or I find them and apply but get rejected. I can't afford to move out, due to my crappy job.
   
3. I still live with my parents.
   
4. I've tried therapy, albeit briefly, and I just wasn't feeling it.
   
5. I'm fairly indifferent to the idea of medication
   
6. Dependent habits kind of run in my family, and it scares me to think I might become dependent on something like that to the point of not being able to function without it.
   
7. As for diet and exercise, I've tried several times to alter my diet and get some exercise, but I never stick with it for more than a couple of weeks; I'm not so good at sticking to new routines that I dislike.
   
8. I like the IDEA of God, the after life, and the idea that we're here for a reason, but over the years, I've come to feel more and more like it's all just stories we've made and held on to in order to give society a moral code to live by, and also to make people less fearful of their own mortality. I suppose I'm primarily "agnostic", leaning more towards "atheist".
   
9. It's funny, because I do somewhat enjoy writing and being punctual, and I suppose I always have, but I lack actual "creativity". And that frustrates me, greatly, actually. I've always dreamed of "creating" something, but my lack of actual creativity has made it feel impossible. I look around, and I see all the cool things people have made, written, produced, etc., and I always find myself wondering "Why can't I ever come up with something cool like that?". It's true, I'm very punctual, but when left to my own devices, to "make" something from scratching, it will end up being very generic and unimaginative.
   
10. the one girl I actually felt a connection with.

 

 

Inflikted, so much of life is a matter of perception. We have thoughts that run through our head all the time, and they sometimes dictate our feelings and actions. You say you have negatives in your life. Well, to someone else, those negatives might seem like positives. Everything above can be construed as a positive!

 

 

POSITIVE STRENGTHS FOR INFLIKTED:

 

 

 

 

1. Several years I spent taking college classes (I've completed my education). You completed your degree!!! You didn't give up . That's so awesome. Not many people can say that (trust me).
   
2. Several years I've worked in retail (I have a crappy retail job); I either can't find any entry level jobs to apply to, or I find them and apply but get rejected. I can't afford to move out, due to my crappy job. You've had steady employment for years!! So many people give up, have problems on the job, don't find it worthwhile to even try to work. But you're employed!!! That is SO important.
   
3. I still live with my parents. Your parents love you and support you still! Trust me again when I say that there are many parents who don't support their children. There are addict parents, abusive parents, and absent parents who really wouldn't (or couldn't) make it work with an adult child in the home.
   
4. I've tried therapy, albeit briefly, and I just wasn't feeling it. But you tried! You have it in you to attempt to find solutions. You've done it in the past. What motivated you then? How can you set up your circumstances to try something else, or give therapy another try?
   
5. I'm fairly indifferent to the idea of medication. Indifferent, but not against...meaning you're at least slightly open to the idea. Leaving that door open could mean opening up the option to a better life.
   
6. Dependent habits kind of run in my family, and it scares me to think I might become dependent on something like that to the point of not being able to function without it. You have another strength...wisdom to realize the risks you face, rather than naively assume that you'll be immune to the possibility of addiction. You're smart, OP, to at least consider the risks.
   
7. As for diet and exercise, I've tried several times to alter my diet and get some exercise, but I never stick with it for more than a couple of weeks; I'm not so good at sticking to new routines that I dislike. Again, at least you have tried . You do seem open to trying new things. None of us like sticking with routines we dislike. I think diet and exercise must be done by doing things we WANT and LIKE to do, otherwise we won't stick to it.
   
8. I like the IDEA of God, the after life, and the idea that we're here for a reason, but over the years, I've come to feel more and more like it's all just stories we've made and held on to in order to give society a moral code to live by, and also to make people less fearful of their own mortality. I suppose I'm primarily "agnostic", leaning more towards "atheist". So, you do hold some sense of a higher power out there...or fate?
   
9. It's funny, because I do somewhat enjoy writing and being punctual, and I suppose I always have, but I lack actual "creativity". And that frustrates me, greatly, actually. I've always dreamed of "creating" something, but my lack of actual creativity has made it feel impossible. I look around, and I see all the cool things people have made, written, produced, etc., and I always find myself wondering "Why can't I ever come up with something cool like that?". It's true, I'm very punctual, but when left to my own devices, to "make" something from scratching, it will end up being very generic and unimaginative. Punctual...AMAZING skill!!!! How many people don't care enough about others' time to be punctual. You do care! Regarding creativity, I personally think creativity can take many forms. I even think people who write really well-written instruction manuals bring creativity. I know they're boring manuals, but they are very helpful, and I think it takes skill to make others understand. I only say that because it's boring, but only a skilled writer can do it well. So, maybe your writing can be used for something good!
   
10. the one girl I actually felt a connection with. And there it is! You can feel connections with others. So, it's a matter of building on the skills you used during that initial relationship with a girl, and figuring out how to duplicate that scenario.
    

 

 

Inflikted, you might want to write down a list of your problems and concerns. For example:

 

 

 

1. Get a new job
   
2. Move out
   
3. Make one small positive change to diet
   
4. Make one small positive change in exercise
   
5. Consult with a psychiatrist about medication for depression (homeopathic remedies, over-the-counter, pharmaceutical etc), the side-effects, the risks of dependence, and how to potentially terminate use
   
6. Consult with a therapist about making a plan towards self-improvement (especially related to your negative thoughts)
   
7. Consult with a writers' group about how writing can be used in other capacities
   

 

 

This is just an example...you can make your own list of your top priorities. Just don't get overwhelmed by the list. Break each goal down into smaller parts, and focus on one at a time.

 

 

 

For example, if you think happiness might come from being more financially independent (living on your own, caring for yourself, etc), then getting a new job might be a good place to start. How to do that? Make a list of ways that you could work towards that goal (take a resume-writing class, set aside time each week towards sending out applications, research interviewing skills and practice, practice, practice).

 

 

What areas do you want to focus on?

[Inflikted]

But your insecurities make you so cut off from everyone that you cannot even make a meaningful connection with someone. You miss all of the people around you (HI YES THAT MEANS ME) trying to get to know you and talk to you. You shut everyone out and complain about how terrible your life is and how you are misunderstood.

 

You need to get out of your comfort zone and force yourself to interact with people. And guess what? You're going to get rejected by some people. That's life. You still have to get up everyday and face it. Your life is going to happen whether you decide to participate or not. Wake the f-ck up and change it. Everyday write down a goal and do it. You have a lot of Internet friends to help you when you get stuck or you have questions.

 

Who wants to die having never lived their life? yikes.

 

Here's the thing. I'm not "scared" or nervous or filled with anxiety, as it pertains to social situations and/ or rejection. I simply (and I mean this quite literally) do not know how to properly interact with people. It's not about fear or nerves or anything like that. I'm not "uncomfortable" around people. I just feel like people are so completely "alien" to me, and I don't know how to interact with them.

 

Let me provide some examples. I hate "small talk" and "chit chat", because I don't really care about any of the typical topics. When someone tries to make small talk with me, I just kind of listen, node, and try to be agreeable. I never try to initiate small talk, because again, I just don't care about the general topics; I have no opinions on the weather, or local sports team, or whatever other little things people chit chat about, so I have nothing to say. I'm not purposely trying to be rude or standoffish to anyone (though I definitely understand why people perceive it that way), I just genuinely have no input.

 

There's a coworker of mine that always kind of blows my mind, because I notice that he can pretty much carry a conversation with anyone about anything. I can't even tell when he's just BSing people, or when he actually knows what he's talking about. But any time I hear him talking with a customer or other coworker, it seems like he always has something to say about anything. He always seems to be able to make recommendations to customers about what they need, he always seems to have personal experience with whatever a customer is struggling with, he always seems to just be able to talk about anything. And he's not some popular, good-looking guy, or anything, he's pretty much your stereotypical computer tech. I'm not super close with him, because we don't really have anything in common, but I always find it so peculiar how he can just talk about anything.

 

This probably sounds bizarre, because it's simply not "normal", from what I've seen, so I don't expect anyone to truly understand what it's like, but that's kind of where I struggle. Again, it's not that I'm scared or nervous, or anything like that. I just simply don't know how to talk to people. I never have anything to say, I never have an opinion or a thought I feel like expressing, and when people initiate a conversation with me, I simply don't know how to carry it. It's not for a lack of trying; again, I've been surrounded by people, one way or another, since childhood, whether it be from pursuing my education, to work, to whatever. I just never seem to learn and get better at it. It's like I'm some kind of robot that only speaks to present necessary factual information.

 

I don't believe I'm "overlooking" anyone, to be honest, either. Nobody ever really tries to reach out to me or truly get to know me. Most of the time, people don't even really seem to notice I even exist. There HAVE been people in the past that did reach out and try to get to know me, and I DID try to connect with them, but for some bizarre reason, every time that's happened, the second I start "letting them in", they immediately lose interest and want nothing to do with me. I don't know why it happens, but it does. I've lost count of how many people have reached out to me, I "opened up" and tried to get to know them as well, then they just stopped caring and pulled away from me.

 

There's another coworker I have right now that is one of these aforementioned people. About 1.5 years ago, he was trying to build some kind of friendship with me, and I was trying to participate to the best of my abilities, but he seemed to just stop very quickly. He occasionally still tries to discuss stuff with me, but it's mostly just general chit chat. A couple weeks ago, we kind of started talking about stuff again, and I tried to explain to him what I said above, that I literally don't know how to be a "normal" person and properly talk and communicate with people, and I could tell that he just couldn't comprehend what I was saying. It didn't make any sense to him. Because he's a "normal" person.

 

Don't get me wrong. It DOES hurt me, deeply, that I've wasted so much of my life, and that I continue to waste my life each and every day. I hate that fact, and it weighs on me all the time. But imagine, if you will, that you wake up one day on some alien planet, filled with alien creatures with their own alien cultures, and none of those alien creatures speak English, nor do they even know what you are or where you came from, and they don't know how to communicate with you and you don't know how to communicate with them. That's how I feel every single day.

[preraph]

You need to try a new therapist and I think you definitely could benefit from medication. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist not a psychologist this time because they can prescribe. You need to try something or your situation will only worsen.

[darkbloom]

Here's the thing. I'm not "scared" or nervous or filled with anxiety, as it pertains to social situations and/ or rejection. I simply (and I mean this quite literally) do not know how to properly interact with people. It's not about fear or nerves or anything like that. I'm not "uncomfortable" around people. I just feel like people are so completely "alien" to me, and I don't know how to interact with them.

 

Let me provide some examples. I hate "small talk" and "chit chat", because I don't really care about any of the typical topics. When someone tries to make small talk with me, I just kind of listen, node, and try to be agreeable. I never try to initiate small talk, because again, I just don't care about the general topics; I have no opinions on the weather, or local sports team, or whatever other little things people chit chat about, so I have nothing to say. I'm not purposely trying to be rude or standoffish to anyone (though I definitely understand why people perceive it that way), I just genuinely have no input.

 

There's a coworker of mine that always kind of blows my mind, because I notice that he can pretty much carry a conversation with anyone about anything. I can't even tell when he's just BSing people, or when he actually knows what he's talking about. But any time I hear him talking with a customer or other coworker, it seems like he always has something to say about anything. He always seems to be able to make recommendations to customers about what they need, he always seems to have personal experience with whatever a customer is struggling with, he always seems to just be able to talk about anything. And he's not some popular, good-looking guy, or anything, he's pretty much your stereotypical computer tech. I'm not super close with him, because we don't really have anything in common, but I always find it so peculiar how he can just talk about anything.

 

This probably sounds bizarre, because it's simply not "normal", from what I've seen, so I don't expect anyone to truly understand what it's like, but that's kind of where I struggle. Again, it's not that I'm scared or nervous, or anything like that. I just simply don't know how to talk to people. I never have anything to say, I never have an opinion or a thought I feel like expressing, and when people initiate a conversation with me, I simply don't know how to carry it. It's not for a lack of trying; again, I've been surrounded by people, one way or another, since childhood, whether it be from pursuing my education, to work, to whatever. I just never seem to learn and get better at it. It's like I'm some kind of robot that only speaks to present necessary factual information.

 

I don't believe I'm "overlooking" anyone, to be honest, either. Nobody ever really tries to reach out to me or truly get to know me. Most of the time, people don't even really seem to notice I even exist. There HAVE been people in the past that did reach out and try to get to know me, and I DID try to connect with them, but for some bizarre reason, every time that's happened, the second I start "letting them in", they immediately lose interest and want nothing to do with me. I don't know why it happens, but it does. I've lost count of how many people have reached out to me, I "opened up" and tried to get to know them as well, then they just stopped caring and pulled away from me.

 

There's another coworker I have right now that is one of these aforementioned people. About 1.5 years ago, he was trying to build some kind of friendship with me, and I was trying to participate to the best of my abilities, but he seemed to just stop very quickly. He occasionally still tries to discuss stuff with me, but it's mostly just general chit chat. A couple weeks ago, we kind of started talking about stuff again, and I tried to explain to him what I said above, that I literally don't know how to be a "normal" person and properly talk and communicate with people, and I could tell that he just couldn't comprehend what I was saying. It didn't make any sense to him. Because he's a "normal" person.

 

Don't get me wrong. It DOES hurt me, deeply, that I've wasted so much of my life, and that I continue to waste my life each and every day. I hate that fact, and it weighs on me all the time. But imagine, if you will, that you wake up one day on some alien planet, filled with alien creatures with their own alien cultures, and none of those alien creatures speak English, nor do they even know what you are or where you came from, and they don't know how to communicate with you and you don't know how to communicate with them. That's how I feel every single day.

 

I understand not liking small talk. But that's your foot in the door to meet people. If you can't stand someone enough to talk about the weather with them, then you aren't going to be able to build a solid relationships with them. I'm going to go ahead and maintain my status that you are afraid of things you can't control. Because you dont want to be uncomfortable in engaging in an activity that you don't like. Ie small talk.

 

You can't start a conversation with someone about how you feel like an alien on a different planet until you've covered the boring topics like name and the weather. Once you get the small talk out of the way and you build the trust, you can talk about anything that interests you. And I can assure you that I befriended and dated a guy that was very similar to you. And we talked about aliens and feelings and i loved him for who he was.

 

I would encourage you to observe how other people interact when meeting each other for the first time. Like in a coffee shop. Then apply that to yourself. Even if it's boring and you hate it.

 

You can't say that you arent overlooking anyone because your social prowess isn't up to par yet. You have no idea how to interpret and interact with your peers. So how the hell would you know that the pretty girl at work is giving you obvious hints?

 

Just saying. I've been here. You gotta put in effort to see positive results.

[Inflikted]

Your parents love you and support you still! Trust me again when I say that there are many parents who don't support their children. There are addict parents, abusive parents, and absent parents who really wouldn't (or couldn't) make it work with an adult child in the home.

 

Eh. To be honest, my parents don't provide the best environment. My mother, in particular, is quite a horrible person. She "brainwashed" me a bit as a child and kind of steered me away from being a social person. And worse than that, I found out several years ago (which, my mother still doesn't know I know any of the following information) that my mother does not love my father, doesn't even like him, doesn't want to be married, and wants to spend the rest of her days having sex with as many men as she possibly can. I've overheard her having phone conversations with ex-lovers from her past, I've heard her having phone sex with said exes, I believe she's even exchanged nude pictures with said men. I once (anonymously) intervened in a planned secret meet up she was going to have with one such guy by tipping off the guy's wife. It's been a very stressful burden for the last several years, and I've never told my dad any of this, because he doesn't have the heart to handle any of it. He's a good guy and doesn't deserve this, but he couldn't live with himself if he knew the truth like I do.

 

You've done it in the past. What motivated you then? How can you set up your circumstances to try something else, or give therapy another try?

 

I don't even remember. I think I was on some other forum, and everyone there basically decided they'd no longer respond to me if I continued to deny therapy. I kind of gave in begrudgingly, but I tried to be open-minded about it. And again, I just really didn't feel it.

 

So, you do hold some sense of a higher power out there...or fate?

 

I dunno. There have been times where I thought about "fate" or some "powers that be", but as someone that tries to look at things from a more logical standpoint, it always becomes much more apparent to me that there are only "coincidences".

 

And there it is! You can feel connections with others. So, it's a matter of building on the skills you used during that initial relationship with a girl, and figuring out how to duplicate that scenario.

 

This is... a bit of a "pandora's box" talking point. This girl is the only person I've ever felt a real connection with. There were no special or specific circumstances to us meeting. We were coworkers. She got hired on, but we never really had much time to get to know each other. Almost a year after she got hired, we found ourselves seeing a lot of each other at work, and she started talking to me, and I just... felt it.

 

Like I described in my other post, I do not know how to interact with people, at all. But with this girl, I didn't feel this way. I just felt like I knew how to talk to her and interact with her, without even thinking about it, and it just felt natural. I loved that. That's how I WANT to feel. But, then I asked her out, she said no, and stopped talking to me. Other coworkers picked up on my feelings for her, and how bummed I was about everything, and they went to her and made it out like I was stalking her or something (I wasn't), which upset her very much. I apologized and tried to clear the air, and she did hear me out, but she still wouldn't look at me the same ever again. She eventually left for a new job, and I haven't seen her in almost a year and a half now.

 

I know this is bad, but about once or twice a week, I look her up on social media, to see what she's up to. I don't mean to be "creepy", I just... miss her. I've seen her go through three relationships and break ups on social media, and she's just recently started dating someone new that she seems very happy with. And it just pains me to know that this girl, the one person I've ever felt a connection to, is out of my life, doesn't want me in her life, and is going to live happily ever after without me. Actually, the residual sadness from seeing a post about how happy she is with her new boyfriend is what prompted me to start this thread.

 

For example, if you think happiness might come from being more financially independent (living on your own, caring for yourself, etc), then getting a new job might be a good place to start. How to do that? Make a list of ways that you could work towards that goal (take a resume-writing class, set aside time each week towards sending out applications, research interviewing skills and practice, practice, practice).

 

I do want a better job, I just feel like I don't know how to find one, at this point. My industry of choice is a bit difficult to get into. I graduated exactly a year ago, and I've set aside time each and every week since then to look for job opportunities and apply to them, and even now, I've never even had a single interview. I've taken different courses over my college experience for resumes and job interviews; actually, before I graduated last year, part of the course required us to write up a resume and have a mock interview with the instructor, and I passed both portions of that. Why I can't actually find something entry level for myself, I have no idea.

 

And aside from my preferred career, I can't even begin just applying for other different jobs, just to get out of my current one. I don't have any skills or affinities to find some other job. I know for sure that I don't want to work retail (or service) anymore, but that's the only thing I have actual experience in.

 

I do want to move out, ASAP, but I obviously can't do that without a good income. And as much as this makes things more difficult, I really don't want to move in with a roommate or anything like that. For one, I've spent so much time living with my parents, I'd like to have my own personal place. Secondly, I do not feel the least bit comfortable with actually living with a stranger, and call me stubborn, but I will not relent on this. If I knew someone for a while and felt comfortable with them, and we decided to move in together, sure, but I will absolutely not move in with some random person.

 

What areas do you want to focus on?

 

I don't know, really. I'm very bad at breaking things down and focusing on piece by piece. I'm always thinking about everything at once. That's part of why I get tripped up, because I'll try to focus my mind on one thing, but somewhere along the lines, I get overwhelmed by thoughts of everything else, and I get absorbed into that negativity and lose sight of what I was doing.

 

At this point, I don't even know where to start with anything, anymore, anyway. I've already spent over a year trying to get my foot in the door with an entry-level career, and I've had zero success. No idea what it would take to improve other areas of my life.

[pie2]

It's up to you, OP, to take action towards a better future. You've shown you have the intelligence, resources, and know-how to search for help (you've done it in the past). I hope you're able to envision and work towards peace and happiness.

 

You're in my prayers. God bless.

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

- We have to give if we want to get.

[endlessabyss]

I can relate.

 

 

If it wasn't for my job I'd probably go crazy, since I rarely have interactions with others in my private life.

 

 

I do have my family, but I feel as if there are other needs, like friends, as well as a significant other.

 

 

I think, for me, I have had too many traumatic life experiences that have warped my perception of reality so much it prevents me with connecting with others. This revelation hit me real hard the other day while I was at work. I interpret everything that is said to me in ways that it wasn't intended, subsequently with me taking offense, and shutting down.

 

 

Life is very difficult to deal with alone. It blows my mind that some people sit in isolation, and have a hard time developing friendships, while others can do it so effortlessly. Sometimes I feel like some are cursed and there are others who are not.

 

 

I don't know if my situation will ever get better, most of the time I believe it won't. This ultimately makes me dwell on death a lot, and the hope of a transition where I can go back to God and feel some appreciation/love. Without love/belonging it all feels so hopeless, doesn't it?

 

 

Even I feel that is in jeopardy, now of days, because I use escorts weekly to kind of dull the loneliness/depression down. I obviously don't do it because that is what I desire to; it really is to cope with the pain, and to fill a need.

 

 

I'm also with you on counseling not working. I went down this road a few years back, and medication destroyed my brain (withdrawals/side effects).

 

 

Hopefully, if anything from my post, will let you know you're aren't the only one in pain.

[Satu]

Try shifting from a *get* mentality to a *give* mentality.

[Fleur de cactus]

Inf,

 

You need to talk to someone (therapist) I think some med will help you to straighten the way you see things around you.

 

I agree with Pie, you have so much strength!! I was going to tell you the same thing but Pie named them all. Talking about your job. I am jobless right now and I would love to have the job you are having now. It happens to take long without finding an employment we want, but what you have to do is to keep sending applications. Don,t stop, don,t be worried that you do not have skills. Skills are learned by practicing. Employers provide training to new hired.

 

You do not maintain connection because you do not want to communicate with others. YOu indicated that you see aliens in other people then your mind does not want to be connected to them. That is why you do not make and maintain friends. It will help you to learn how to talk to people. ANd believe me Inf you know how to communicate. I mean look it here! Your ideas are logical, they are goal oriented. This is another strength you have. This is communication! Others asked questions you respond, and you have to ask questions and listen to others. Interaction is not hard, you have the skills but for some reasons, you are afraid of face to face interaction. That is why I think you need therapy.

 

I understand you have so much things that need to change but like Pie told you, It will not happen at the same time. You have to prioritize, break them in small steps. Again this is why you need someone to help you with this.

 

It is life, we have to face it. Most of people here we have issues. We face rejection, betrayal, poverty, mistrust, lies, unemployment, health issues, mental issues and more. what is important is to take a step and another step, coping and moving on.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I wonder what kind of woman would be fine, okay, dating s man over 30 who has never been in a relationship before

[Inflikted]

Try shifting from a *get* mentality to a *give* mentality.

 

I don't really know what this means, at least, not in the sense of real world every day application. I feel like I've been a more "giving" person in the past, anyway. I've always tried to make the lives of everyone around me as easy and convenient as I possibly can, even to this day; I always saw it as sort of an "eye for an eye" kind of thing. Unfortunately, I never get the sense that anyone really appreciates or notices it, and often times, I just feel like people take advantage of my good nature, but don't care about me, the person behind it.

 

It happens to take long without finding an employment we want, but what you have to do is to keep sending applications. Don,t stop, don,t be worried that you do not have skills. Skills are learned by practicing. Employers provide training to new hired.

 

Yeah, no, don't get me wrong, I never expected finding a job to be easy. It's just so frustrating to have spent the last year searching, and to not have even gone on one job interview. I feel like I've made zero progress. That's pretty much a whole year wasted. A year of my life I'll never get back. How many more years will I have to waste?

 

And I do understand that employers train employees, but what I was saying was that aside from the industry I got my degree in, I can't even fathom what other jobs I could apply to that I would meet the qualifications for or even just have the right personality and mindset to be able to perform. What the heck kind of jobs could I apply for, that aren't just more retail/ service jobs (which I don't want to do anymore) or the industry I got my degree in (which I seemingly can't find an entry level position for)? I don't feel like there's anything else I could reasonably do.

 

You do not maintain connection because you do not want to communicate with others. YOu indicated that you see aliens in other people then your mind does not want to be connected to them. That is why you do not make and maintain friends. It will help you to learn how to talk to people. ANd believe me Inf you know how to communicate. I mean look it here! Your ideas are logical, they are goal oriented. This is another strength you have. This is communication! Others asked questions you respond, and you have to ask questions and listen to others. Interaction is not hard, you have the skills but for some reasons, you are afraid of face to face interaction. That is why I think you need therapy.

 

Well, I meant more that I feel I'm surrounded by an entire planet of creatures that I don't know how to communicate with. I feel like I'm some sort of oddity, and no matter how much I observe and analyze and no matter how much I try to connect, I just can't grasp the cultures around me and how to be a normal human being.

 

I can write about myself all day, sure, but if you notice, I don't really make an effort to "get to know" people that respond, I don't really ask follow up questions. I don't go into other peoples' threads and respond to try to help them out. I just make topics, about my own problems, and people come here and respond and ask questions, and I respond back with the necessary information. That's a very narrow scope of communication, even on an Internet forum.

 

Again, my mind just really doesn't grasp the concept of reaching out to people, making the effort, initiating communication, and creating/ maintaining relationships with people. Not because I'm "scared" or "nervous", but because I literally just don't know how to. Even in the most simplistic of examples. Someone could say "How are you doing today?", and a normal person would say "I'm doing well, how about yourself?", opening up the door for conversation. Me, I would just answer "I'm doing well", and leave it at that. Because when placed in the situation, it just doesn't even occur to me to ask a follow up question. If it doesn't even occur to me to do that in small chit chat, imagine how lost and inept I feel when put in a more involved conversation.

 

I wonder what kind of woman would be fine, okay, dating s man over 30 who has never been in a relationship before

 

Yeah... Honestly, I don't expect I'll ever date or actually know "love" in that way. My looks are pretty much an instant turn off to women, and that alone is a huge attraction killer. If by chance a woman looked past my looks, she'd see a loser with a crappy job that still lives at home that is socially inept and generally has a crappy personality, and that would kill off any potential attraction. I don't even reckon I'd ever get to the point of divulging my lack of dating experience.

 

In a way, that's also applicable for platonic relationships, as well. I find that people generally don't have patience to allow someone like me into their life, especially as my peers grow older. Most people already have enough friendships in their life, and aren't actively seeking more friends, so it's my job to present them with something that is so unequivocally important that they HAVE to have me in their life. And unfortunately, I'm nothing, I have nothing.

[pie2]

I can write about myself all day, sure, but if you notice, I don't really make an effort to "get to know" people that respond, I don't really ask follow up questions. I don't go into other peoples' threads and respond to try to help them out. I just make topics, about my own problems, and people come here and respond and ask questions, and I respond back with the necessary information. That's a very narrow scope of communication, even on an Internet forum.

 

Again, my mind just really doesn't grasp the concept of reaching out to people, making the effort, initiating communication, and creating/ maintaining relationships with people. Not because I'm "scared" or "nervous", but because I literally just don't know how to.

 

At least to some extent, you do seem to grasp the concept of reaching out to others....you just described the interaction perfectly. Meaning, you get it, but choose not to do it, it seems.

 

It would be really great if that were a goal you made today: Post something helpful in someone's thread. Maybe not necessarily about relationships, but about politics, atheism, or even the quote of the day. I know you can do it (you're a college grad with a job!).

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I don't really know what this means, at least, not in the sense of real world every day application. I feel like I've been a more "giving" person in the past, anyway. I've always tried to make the lives of everyone around me as easy and convenient as I possibly can, even to this day; I always saw it as sort of an "eye for an eye" kind of thing. Unfortunately, I never get the sense that anyone really appreciates or notices it, and often times, I just feel like people take advantage of my good nature, but don't care about me, the person behind it.

 

 

 

Yeah, no, don't get me wrong, I never expected finding a job to be easy. It's just so frustrating to have spent the last year searching, and to not have even gone on one job interview. I feel like I've made zero progress. That's pretty much a whole year wasted. A year of my life I'll never get back. How many more years will I have to waste?

 

And I do understand that employers train employees, but what I was saying was that aside from the industry I got my degree in, I can't even fathom what other jobs I could apply to that I would meet the qualifications for or even just have the right personality and mindset to be able to perform. What the heck kind of jobs could I apply for, that aren't just more retail/ service jobs (which I don't want to do anymore) or the industry I got my degree in (which I seemingly can't find an entry level position for)? I don't feel like there's anything else I could reasonably do.

 

 

 

Well, I meant more that I feel I'm surrounded by an entire planet of creatures that I don't know how to communicate with. I feel like I'm some sort of oddity, and no matter how much I observe and analyze and no matter how much I try to connect, I just can't grasp the cultures around me and how to be a normal human being.

 

I can write about myself all day, sure, but if you notice, I don't really make an effort to "get to know" people that respond, I don't really ask follow up questions. I don't go into other peoples' threads and respond to try to help them out. I just make topics, about my own problems, and people come here and respond and ask questions, and I respond back with the necessary information. That's a very narrow scope of communication, even on an Internet forum.

 

Again, my mind just really doesn't grasp the concept of reaching out to people, making the effort, initiating communication, and creating/ maintaining relationships with people. Not because I'm "scared" or "nervous", but because I literally just don't know how to. Even in the most simplistic of examples. Someone could say "How are you doing today?", and a normal person would say "I'm doing well, how about yourself?", opening up the door for conversation. Me, I would just answer "I'm doing well", and leave it at that. Because when placed in the situation, it just doesn't even occur to me to ask a follow up question. If it doesn't even occur to me to do that in small chit chat, imagine how lost and inept I feel when put in a more involved conversation.

 

 

 

Yeah... Honestly, I don't expect I'll ever date or actually know "love" in that way. My looks are pretty much an instant turn off to women, and that alone is a huge attraction killer. If by chance a woman looked past my looks, she'd see a loser with a crappy job that still lives at home that is socially inept and generally has a crappy personality, and that would kill off any potential attraction. I don't even reckon I'd ever get to the point of divulging my lack of dating experience.

 

In a way, that's also applicable for platonic relationships, as well. I find that people generally don't have patience to allow someone like me into their life, especially as my peers grow older. Most people already have enough friendships in their life, and aren't actively seeking more friends, so it's my job to present them with something that is so unequivocally important that they HAVE to have me in their life. And unfortunately, I'm nothing, I have nothing.

 

And women seem to have less patience for men

[Inflikted]

At least to some extent, you do seem to grasp the concept of reaching out to others....you just described the interaction perfectly. Meaning, you get it, but choose not to do it, it seems.

 

It would be really great if that were a goal you made today: Post something helpful in someone's thread. Maybe not necessarily about relationships, but about politics, atheism, or even the quote of the day. I know you can do it (you're a college grad with a job!).

 

I do frequently browse through other threads, but I just never actually have anything worth saying. Like I said, that's a big problem with me, I never have something worth expressing to anyone else. I have no input to anything, for anyone.

[pie2]

I do frequently browse through other threads, but I just never actually have anything worth saying. Like I said, that's a big problem with me, I never have something worth expressing to anyone else. I have no input to anything, for anyone.

 

I can see you're probably not ready or willing to move towards a happier existence. Maybe one day!

 

God bless, may you one day know His peace and love.

[rester]

I didn't finish the thread but it appears that you connect with people in here very well, so maybe it's not that you can't connect with people, but maybe that you can't figure out how to connect with them the way you want? Or that you can't connect with people in real life?

 

Your thoughts and feelings are articulately shared on paper, at least.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Didn't read all the posts.

 

 

Why don't you list out what a typical day of yours is like & maybe we can spot something easy for you to change. Be very detailed & specific about things & especially in your interactions with other people. Sometimes seemingly trivial things can be very important.

[Inflikted]

I didn't finish the thread but it appears that you connect with people in here very well, so maybe it's not that you can't connect with people, but maybe that you can't figure out how to connect with them the way you want? Or that you can't connect with people in real life?

 

Your thoughts and feelings are articulately shared on paper, at least.

 

That's pretty accurate, I'd say. It occurred to me several months ago that, since I was a young teen, nearly all of my "social interactions" have been via the Internet. Back when I was, I dunno, 13 or so, I was very shy, and I was bullied and ostracized from middle school all the way through high school. I had discovered an Internet forum that pertained to my hobbies (video games, comic books, and other "nerd" stuff), and I began spending much of my free time there. Now, almost 13-14 years later, I've spent several hours a day on that forum.

 

The sad thing is, though, that forum (and others I've visited that are somewhat similar) is mainly populated by idiots that would rather argue and annoy each other, than have actual conversations, and once I realized I had fallen into that same cycle, it started to bother me that all of my social interactions for the last 13+ years have been arguing with idiots online about "nerd" stuff. Yet, I still can't really break away from that place. As much as I hate it, it's all I have, and it's been my whole life for over a decade, now.

 

It's true, I can definitely express myself better in writing, and after all this time, I genuinely don't know how to properly communicate with people in real life. Not to mention, all the idiocy I've experienced online has kind of skewed my perception of interacting with people.

 

Didn't read all the posts.

 

 

Why don't you list out what a typical day of yours is like & maybe we can spot something easy for you to change. Be very detailed & specific about things & especially in your interactions with other people. Sometimes seemingly trivial things can be very important.

 

At this point, my days are made up of either days I'm at work, and days that I'm not.

 

On days I go to work, I work my shift, and being that it's retail, I have to interact with customers fairly frequently. I try to be polite and considerate to customers, but as far as service and communication goes, I only really provide the bare minimum, because that's all I feel I know how to provide. I don't know enough about random stuff to give proper "recommendations" or to give advice or input on their matters. Most of my interactions with customers boil down to "What are you looking for? Okay, that item is over here". Some people will try to have longer conversations about their needs with me, and I'll just kind of nod along, and there's often a very strong sense of uncertainty in my voice when I try to make recommendations to them (because again, I often feel like I don't know enough to know what I'm talking about), and in those cases, the customers tend to not appreciate my uncertainty and seemingly start to think I'm stupid. So, I try to keep things simple and basic as much as I can.

 

When I'm not at work, I'm at home. As I described above, I spend several hours of my free time every day on that Internet forum I've been visiting for over 10 years, often either arguing with other idiots about stupid stuff, or having my knowledgeable posts ignored by people who'd rather argue with each other. Sometimes, to break up the monotony of that, I'll actually play a video game or read a comic book. I'll also try to look for some job listings for an entry level career position, but I either never find anything, or I find a couple things and apply (and never hear anything back from). But yeah, most of my free time, at this point, is spent on that one Internet forum.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I'm trying to loom at David Elmore Smith for inspiration

[missmac]

How am I supposed to learn to live this?

 

You're not, and you dont have to.

 

I could handle this response with kid gloves, but seeing as how we are around the same age, and knowing the type of talk that works most effectively on myself, I'm going drop the sugar coating, and give it to you straight.

 

1. Stop the "pity-party" ...... immediately. Not by the end of the day, or tomorrow, or next week. Like...... RIGHT NOW. What do I mean by this?

 

Life, as you may have figured out by now, is not fair. Not even a little. The people who work the hardest, are not the ones with the most money - the people that already seem to have everything, continue to keep getting the lucky breaks, and opportunities that are more deserved by the people who have been trying to get a step up since the day they were born. Along with this comes the inevitable "up's and downs" of life, sometimes you're great, sometimes things take a turn for the worst.

Whatever happens, you can count on the fact that things will always change, and that you will have to adapt.

 

The one thing that you can control, is your attitude and your outloook towards your circumstances, and environment.

 

I am going to start with your attitude towards yourself, you have a lot of negative self-speak, and you can not possibly expect other people to like you, if you dont even like you. I know it can be hard to dig yourself out of this pit of self-hatred, especially when ou feel like all the effort you make, is yielding no results. But you HAVE to cut out the negative feelings about ourself from your thoughts, and your vocabulary.

 

Never say the following things, EVER AGAIN:

- I can't connect with people.

- people don't want me, anyway.

- I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing that means anything to anyone.

- I'm pretty much worthless.

 

instead, write the positive forms of these phrases on a sticky note, and put them on the bathroom mirror, and recite each phrase out loud, everytime you come in front of them. Brushing your teeth in the morning, before and after you shower. when you do you hair or get ready for work. and I mean it, read them out loud, give the words enough volume to resonate in to your thoughts. Maybe google search the effectiveness of this exercise, it's called "positive affirmations" reading, seeing, sayings, thinking , and eventually believing these positive statements about yourself.

 

**because I want to make this easy for you, copy and paste the following on to a word doc, and print-and cut out for your mirror**

 

- I am patient, and I CAN, and WILL connect with people.

- Even though I have not had success in the past, I am not going to let that stop me from making meaningful, and fufilling connectings with people that will be happy that I am a part of their life, and they in mine.

- Through my hurt, and my pain, I know that I have so many wondering qualities, and a lot to offer to people.

- I am no different than anyone else, and am worthy of love, and friendship, and kindness, and respect.

- I AM READY AND WILLING TO OPEN MY HEART, MY MIND, AND MY ARMS TO THE MANY PEOPLE AROUND ME.

 

My existence is a constant cycle of loneliness, sadness, bitterness, resentment, and anger and hatred.

 

Read back what you wrote there....... now think about it for a minute. Does that sound like the kind of connection you would want to meet? Probably not. Find a way to de-compress, and channel your anger and hate. They don't make for charming BFF qualities.

 

It just reminds me of the things I'll never get to experience.

 

- keep telling yourself this, and you surely never will.

 

I am so serious, I know it sounds like a load of new-age, hippie bullsh*t - but changing your thoughts, and the way you perceive your circumstances, can drastically change your outcomes. A book that changed my life, and perhaps one of the better, and easier to understand explanations of positive thinking:

 

https://books.google.ca/books/about/Mind_Power_Into_the_21st_Century.html?id=INZ8vX73s1AC&hl=en

 

 

and most of all!

 

be patient, I struggle with this problem too.

 

Dont be your own worst enemy.

 

and GOOD LUCK

 

<3

[Inflikted]

- Through my hurt, and my pain, I know that I have so many wondering qualities, and a lot to offer to people.

- I am no different than anyone else, and am worthy of love, and friendship, and kindness, and respect.

 

I truly wish that I could honestly say these things to myself. But I can't. Yes, I do understand that my perceptions about myself are probably heavily biased in a negative direction, and that that clouds my judgment of myself quite a bit. But to tell myself these things would feel like a lie.

 

I know it's "incorrect" to judge ALL of your own self worth on what others think of you, but you DO need some external validation in order to be accepted by the people around you. Thus, if I truly had something to offer to anyone, if I truly had good qualities, if I were truly worthy of friendship, love, and respect, I would've experienced those things at least once in my life, by now. If none of the numerous people I've met and known over the almost 27 years of my life have seen that in me, that seems like very solid evidence that I am not, in fact, worth anyone's time.

 

I do respect and appreciate the support I get from users on forums like this, but it's just... not the same kind of "validation". There's so much anonymity here, and no one here truly knows me on a personal level to be able to speak positively of me. As someone that doesn't know me personally, it's probably very easy for people here to assume that I'm simply a depressed young man that simply has their judgment clouded by said depression.

 

But what if that's not true? What if I am exactly what I say I am? What if I'm legitimately a worthless individual with no redeeming qualities and absolutely nothing to offer to anyone or the world as a whole?

[lino]

I'd seriously consider the nursing course suggestion OP. It's better than retail work and considering you aren't swimming in options, I'd jump at a chance like that.

 

Didn't read all the posts.

 

 

Why don't you list out what a typical day of yours is like & maybe we can spot something easy for you to change. Be very detailed & specific about things & especially in your interactions with other people. Sometimes seemingly trivial things can be very important.

 

I asked this to the OP last year but never got a response.

[Inflikted]

I'd seriously consider the nursing course suggestion OP. It's better than retail work and considering you aren't swimming in options, I'd jump at a chance like that.

 

Again, though, getting an education in a particular field does not ensure that you'll be good enough to be successful at it. There's a lot of other factors go into making that happen. You have to have a knack for it, you have to have some affinity towards it, you have to have at least a slight interest in it, you have to have some commitment to it, and most importantly, you have to believe in yourself that you'll be good enough to do it. There aren't very many things I feel that way about, least of all anything in the medical field.

 

Not to mention, as a fairly high maintenance germophobe, with a weak stomach, I feel like nursing isn't really something I could handle.

 

The way I look at "career" is that if you're not skilled enough at something, you're likely to get fired, and if you get fired, that reflects poorly on you, and when it reflects poorly on you, that makes other employers apprehensive about giving you a chance (since you were bad enough to get fired from your previous job).

 

I don't want to end up in that position, but there just aren't a whole lot of professions that I would have any confidence in my long term abilities to perform well enough.

 

Anyway, for what it's worth, I do finally have one job interview coming up, though it's yet another menial job. It is, however, a different environment from retail, so that's good. I'm crossing my fingers I get this job, so that at least I don't have to worry about not having any kind of income period. But, who knows how things will turn out...

 

I asked this to the OP last year but never got a response.

 

I did answer the question, though, in this topic.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I truly wish that I could honestly say these things to myself. But I can't. Yes, I do understand that my perceptions about myself are probably heavily biased in a negative direction, and that that clouds my judgment of myself quite a bit. But to tell myself these things would feel like a lie.

 

I know it's "incorrect" to judge ALL of your own self worth on what others think of you, but you DO need some external validation in order to be accepted by the people around you. Thus, if I truly had something to offer to anyone, if I truly had good qualities, if I were truly worthy of friendship, love, and respect, I would've experienced those things at least once in my life, by now. If none of the numerous people I've met and known over the almost 27 years of my life have seen that in me, that seems like very solid evidence that I am not, in fact, worth anyone's time.

 

I do respect and appreciate the support I get from users on forums like this, but it's just... not the same kind of "validation". There's so much anonymity here, and no one here truly knows me on a personal level to be able to speak positively of me. As someone that doesn't know me personally, it's probably very easy for people here to assume that I'm simply a depressed young man that simply has their judgment clouded by said depression.

 

But what if that's not true? What if I am exactly what I say I am? What if I'm legitimately a worthless individual with no redeeming qualities and absolutely nothing to offer to anyone or the world as a whole?

I like to think if a guy is almost 30 or over 30 and never had a girlfriend before, something is definitely socially, psychologically wrong with us