CarrieT Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 She wants to date and feel like a single person whilst keeping you on the back burner "just in case." You should continue the 180 whole hog. She has to realize what life without you will be like; the good and the bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 I've been leaving her alone for the most part except for discussions about our son or bills. I'm beginning to think she is doing this out of anger. She told me she's angry with me and seems to bring up any bad thing I've ever done or said during the few occasions we have spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Moving out is not always about wanting to be single, to date etc. I moved out last year and will be filing for divorce soon (giving him time to adjust, even though separation was his idea) and while I am much happier, I am certainly not in a hurry to meet anyone or have a relationship or even a fling. In my case, being on my own is enough to make me happy. But also, I am not angry...just resigned to a failed marriage. So she may have her own reasons for wanting to live apart/get divorced. My reasons are to settle our finances, sell the house or have him buy me out. In any event, any "changing" you do at this point should be positive changes that make you a more complete, happier person, which will make you a better partner for someone...probably not for your wife, unless she does a radical about-face and decides she wants to work on the marriage. So don't expect to "get her back" by trying to change (which is hard to do anyway-we are who we are, pretty much.) If she moves out and is not interested in joint counseling, it is over in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 She moved out Saturday and almost had a breakdown Monday. Said she felt awful and alone. I pushed too hard for her to come home and couples counseling. She said she didn't know. I kept asking until it pissed her off and said no. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I kept asking until it pissed her off and said no. You didn't read The 180, did you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 I did but she was so emotional when she contacted me. Where is the 180 link? Should I go see fireworks with her and my son tomorrow or stick to no contact and avoid it? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums Found on Marriage Busters Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Should I go to the fireworks with her and my son or do no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Not with her. Son only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Update My wife and I have been together 8 years. She had alcohol problems during the marriage but four years ago we had a son. Things were pretty blissful during his childhood until early this year. She made a friend at work who is 36 has never been married and has no children. My wife had been asking me for another child for three years, once I was ready, she said she didn't want it anymore. She got a boob job, said she wanted to be single, and then moved out of the house and stopped helping me pay for it. We both have pretty good jobs. I make about 75% more than what she made. I've prayed and wanted to save my marriage so my son could have his parents together and so I could protect her and show her love and happiness. Here family is very strange and she came from a broken home. She has lived in an apartment in a not great area since June and is adamant she wants a divorce. We have been splitting time with out son 50/50. About two months ago she made a "friend" with a college drop out, no job, and s DUI conviction in collections. She had s very rough life until I came into the picture and grew up on the projects. This is the third time she has walked out. She recently got her second DUI and now is going to lose her license for 5 years, pay tons of money in fines, and go to jail for 5 days to 1 year. What is the right thing to do for my son and my wife who doesn't love me and won't let me help her and doesn't love me? I thought marriage was a life long commitment and it gets so bad seeing this happen to her and it affects my son. It didn't post it but he had a very hard time when she moved out. Her boyfriend is not a good guy and she has a childhood friend from public housing living on her couch and her son living on the couch and this friend says my wife doesn't have a drinking problem. We argued about it in the past. I've dated, it's nice to know I'm desired, but I always tell them they are not my wife and it's too hard. I want my family. I want the 300k home we were saving for. I want my son to have his parents together. I want to show my wife grace and hold her and keep her out of trouble. I want to make her happy. I saw her at work and she looks like a ghost. She lied to my face and said she's fine. She lied about the boyfriend. She dropped my son off once and she had been drinking all night and he was up all night and slept on a friends couch. Her friends I know want her to leave me because not have been married or they are single or divorced. It hurts watching m wife screw up her life and ignoring my offers to help her. She comes from a very strange family with problems. Father uses drugs. Divorced and remarried. Sister has several children with deadbeat dads. Several arrests. I want my family and want to help but it takes two. I've been doing counseling but my wife never would. She just uses alcohol for her depression. She thinks when I try to help I'm being manipulative. What's the right thing to do for my son, my wife, and myself in that order. My lawyer believes I can get sole custody. We still are not divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Update ....What's the right thing to do for my son, Divorce his mother. my wife, You can't fix her. Divorce her, because she has to fix herself and you owe your son a future without dysfunction. and myself in that order. Divorce her. You will be forever stuck, indecisive and in limbo for the remainder of your days, otherwise. You need to prioritise, and your son is your priority, not your wife. She is making her own decisions and however much you feel she may be damaged and wrong in her actions, there's nothing you can do. She's an adult, and as such, entitled to completely mess her life up if that's what she chooses to do. You son is a minor, and needs your strength, support, guidance and good example to keep his head straight ond not be affected excessively by the current state of affairs. See to him. Your wife seems past help but your son needs all he can get right now. Give it to him. In triplicate. My lawyer believes I can get sole custody. The go for it. We still are not divorced. Then start the ball rolling now. don't dither, prevaricate or hesitate. Do what's right for your son, not what you think your wife needs. because what you think, and what she does, are two completely different things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 That's it advice. It's just difficult because we have been together so long and I am robbing my son of having a regular family. I guess my wife is really doin that though. I am going to divorce her and proceed with full custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Anyone else have advice? Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Stay in the house with your child so that you have a better chance of getting custody. Otherwise, if you leave the house and child it may be considered abandonment and makes it real easy for the judge to say you voluntarily gave up custody. Look up Men's Divorce Forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 She actually was the one that moved out and left our child. I've split time with him 50/50 though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Document everything. You may never know when you'll need it. Recognize your wife has a problem and is an alcoholic. She is a danger to your son. Period. You need to do whatever is necessary legally to protect him from his mother until she gets clean and sober. My friend, C, was separated from her husband, D. He moved about a 45 minute drive away to live in an apartment. They shared a 4 year old son. D drank here and there and sometime tied one on, but we NEVER thought he would drink with his son around. D drove to C's house to drop off their son after his weekend visitation. He was drunk. C called the police. The police actually caught him a few blocks away and he was arrested, charged, and convicted of DUI. His blood alcohol level was 10 times the legal limit. It's a miracle he didn't wreck the car and cause deaths to innocents. C and I took the police report and the latest DUI conviction to the court and asked that D be allowed only supervised visitation until he sought help for his alcoholism. The court ordered D's visitations be supervised at his mothers house until he started attending AA and seeing a counselor. Talk to an attorney and see if you can do something similar. Don't ever leave a child with an alcoholic. Inevitably, the alcoholic will make a bad decision or not be paying attention and the child will be hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Update My wife and I have been together 8 years. She had alcohol problems during the marriage but four years ago we had a son. Things were pretty blissful during his childhood until early this year. She made a friend at work who is 36 has never been married and has no children. My wife had been asking me for another child for three years, once I was ready, she said she didn't want it anymore. She got a boob job, said she wanted to be single, and then moved out of the house and stopped helping me pay for it. We both have pretty good jobs. I make about 75% more than what she made. I've prayed and wanted to save my marriage so my son could have his parents together and so I could protect her and show her love and happiness. Here family is very strange and she came from a broken home. She has lived in an apartment in a not great area since June and is adamant she wants a divorce. We have been splitting time with out son 50/50. About two months ago she made a "friend" with a college drop out, no job, and s DUI conviction in collections. She had s very rough life until I came into the picture and grew up on the projects. This is the third time she has walked out. She recently got her second DUI and now is going to lose her license for 5 years, pay tons of money in fines, and go to jail for 5 days to 1 year. What is the right thing to do for my son and my wife who doesn't love me and won't let me help her and doesn't love me? I thought marriage was a life long commitment and it gets so bad seeing this happen to her and it affects my son. It didn't post it but he had a very hard time when she moved out. Her boyfriend is not a good guy and she has a childhood friend from public housing living on her couch and her son living on the couch and this friend says my wife doesn't have a drinking problem. We argued about it in the past. I've dated, it's nice to know I'm desired, but I always tell them they are not my wife and it's too hard. I want my family. I want the 300k home we were saving for. I want my son to have his parents together. I want to show my wife grace and hold her and keep her out of trouble. I want to make her happy. I saw her at work and she looks like a ghost. She lied to my face and said she's fine. She lied about the boyfriend. She dropped my son off once and she had been drinking all night and he was up all night and slept on a friends couch. Her friends I know want her to leave me because not have been married or they are single or divorced. It hurts watching m wife screw up her life and ignoring my offers to help her. She comes from a very strange family with problems. Father uses drugs. Divorced and remarried. Sister has several children with deadbeat dads. Several arrests. I want my family and want to help but it takes two. I've been doing counseling but my wife never would. She just uses alcohol for her depression. She thinks when I try to help I'm being manipulative. What's the right thing to do for my son, my wife, and myself in that order. My lawyer believes I can get sole custody. We still are not divorced. Forget ur 300k dreamsn and all other plans, this is what she wants so u cant force it. Go with it and show ur son nothing but love. U can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I've been leaving her alone for the most part except for discussions about our son or bills. I'm beginning to think she is doing this out of anger. She told me she's angry with me and seems to bring up any bad thing I've ever done or said during the few occasions we have spoken. This: Never , ever forget that her actions now, may be a breakdown over the way you treated her in the past. She's handling everything in a completely wrong way - but you played a part in this. Man up, be sensible, do what's right - but do it with kindness and compassion. Do what you must, but remember what you did, that led to this point. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 She actually was the one that moved out and left our child. I've split time with him 50/50 though. Great! Stay that way. 50/50 sharing and staying in the house will save you child support if you make more than her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 I would actually prefer advice on how to save my wife and save my marriage. Failure is not an option here people. Keep in mind we won't really talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I would actually prefer advice on how to save my wife and save my marriage. Failure is not an option here people. Keep in mind we won't really talk to me. No, because your wife will only be saved when she decides she needs saving. And she has to come to that decision on her own. If you file for divorce it will go one of two ways: One, she will completely accept it, agree, and sign the papers (in which case, she cannot be 'saved' because she would prefer to live the life she's living now, than to respond to conciliatory gestures of assistance on your part - remember why she hit this spiral to begin with....) Two, she will argue like mad, cick, fight and resist all attempts to divorce - at which point you can tell her the condition for you to not proceed with the divorce is for her to get professional, physical, actual, real therapeutic help. There is NO failure here. There is a different path. Following a different path to the one originally projected, is not failure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 She wasn't even a good wife. She was never faithful. Yet I stupidly want to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 You need therapy. Seriously. This "marriage" ending is not "failure" as you put it. It is mercy. forget about her and work on you. I think that once you get yourself on the right path, you will see that ending this is the absolute best thing. Not a punishment of her or rejection of her, just the proper result. As long as you insist that working it out is the only valid solution, then you are domed to suffer. Years ago mount St. Helens, a volcano in the U.S., .erupted. There was this one guy who refused to leave his home because he thought it best to stay. He wanted to protect it and his memories. He died. How was a man going to protect his home from a volcano? He wasn't. He just could not bear the thought of leaving his home and memories. He burned up along with his homes with no hope of creating new memories. She is your volcano and your marriage is your house. Leave. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Well I applaud you for sticking it out. I would look up a couple of books then: Crucial Conversations The 5 Love Languages You need knowledge. You could look up the site Divorce Busting and get a professional telephone coach. Please be aware of spousal support laws in your state should you stay married for a long time and then decide to divorce. If you have bad laws in your area then it'll be incentive to stay married. On the other hand if you get divorced then you'll be prepared and hopefully won't be bitter at a possible poor financial outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 She has two duis now. She put the nail in the coffin of our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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