Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 How would you proceed? Based on what's happened to this point, I'd: - Drop all expectations and discussions with her about your marriage and/or the future - Work on yourself and hope she notices and cares. Going through the motions doesn't count - Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If she doesn't come around, life will still go on and, most importantly, you'll still have a child to raise. Above all, I'd simply quit talking to her about it. It only makes you seem more needy and less attractive and her feel more pressured... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Billy So much good advice. No matter what happens with her you need to make sure YOU are healthy. She can't and more importantly won't give you want you want to hear. All the the you say you want to do for her must be done for yourself. Not her. This is a battle. A battle for yourself. Sometimes working on the relationship means to not work on it. It means working on yourself. If you've told her how you feel there with eloquent words and feelings then you've already told her. You can't do anything else. At this point the ball is in her court so to speak. You must focus on yourself and growing as a person. How? Well if you must think about her then do the 360s. Look it up. But those are not about her and you. It's about you getting power back. She doesn't want a pussy begging. That's for sure. She is in control. Take it back in a manly way by being noble and honorable, speaking your feelings and help yourself. She's confused but every time you press her it pushes her back. You can and will do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I made dinner and she ate it and said thank you. We talked a tiny bit but she said she would sleep on the couch and wouldn't trade me places. I took my son swimming and got home and she had drank quiet a bit and is going to sleep on the couch. She still hasn't left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Billy So much good advice. No matter what happens with her you need to make sure YOU are healthy. She can't and more importantly won't give you want you want to hear. All the the you say you want to do for her must be done for yourself. Not her. This is a battle. A battle for yourself. Sometimes working on the relationship means to not work on it. It means working on yourself. If you've told her how you feel there with eloquent words and feelings then you've already told her. You can't do anything else. At this point the ball is in her court so to speak. You must focus on yourself and growing as a person. How? Well if you must think about her then do the 360s. Look it up. But those are not about her and you. It's about you getting power back. She doesn't want a pussy begging. That's for sure. She is in control. Take it back in a manly way by being noble and honorable, speaking your feelings and help yourself. She's confused but every time you press her it pushes her back. You can and will do this. Thank you! I am fired up. Should I still tell her I love her in the morning before heading to work or just leave it alone? Flowers? She says she's not interested when I talk about working it out. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 How? Well if you must think about her then do the 360s. Look it up. I think you mean the 180s. Clickety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 I think you mean the 180s. Clickety. That 180 is good stuff. I will implement they immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 It appears she is looking for a place to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Should I still tell her I love her in the morning before heading to work or just leave it alone? Flowers? No and no. Get the info CarrieT linked. It's a Hail Mary but you never know. If you think it's helpful, post back here with questions after you read it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I was crying and begging for counseling immediately after an argument while she was angry. Here is my plan. Go to counseling Be a better person and always put her first Give her space and leave her alone. In the past she had told me I'm manipulative and controlling. Hope for the best. God Bless your wife. She is a good women for putting up with your self center a**. I'm reading and I can relate to your wife's pain. Let her go. Let her free. She deserves to be happy. I hope you grow up soon. Ugh!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 All you can do is let her go. If you love her, you will let her find someone else who will treat her better and love her the right away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Its not clear to me whether you have started counseling or not. That is priority no. 1 in your life right now. There is no disagreement here that you screwed it up. So if you havent started it, RUSH. Here is what you do: 1. Give her space. Let her do her own thing. Leave her alone. The more you are in her face right now, more she hates you. 2. Be self aware. What gets you off and what gets her off. If reconciliation is a word that will get her off. Avoid bringing it up at all cost. 3. Avoid separation. Because separation is a divorce practice. If you separate, chances are you will divorce. 4. STOP. STOP begging. Even if you ask the same question 100 times, answer will be no. So just be there for her if she asks for help. Don't expect anything in return. 5. If she does separate, initiate a no contact with her, except for talking about kids. She will miss you eventually as a result of no contact and come back. 6. Check your ego at the door. If you think you are sure you will find someone else and you make tons of money. Nobody cares and I have a news for you, no woman would want to be with you. Life is about love for near ones. Give it to them as much as you can. They dont need your money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 All you can do is let her go. If you love her, you will let her find someone else who will treat her better and love her the right away. This exact same quote was given to me by my wife's divorce lawyer and life has been a disaster ever since... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) This exact same quote was given to me by my wife's divorce lawyer and life has been a disaster ever since... I read your story. You really need to let go. Edited June 17, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Why do people take their vows so lightly? I thought it was til death do us part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Why do people take their vows so lightly? I thought it was til death do us part. I doubt you can honestly say, knowing your wife as you do, that she takes her vows lightly. One could ask you the same question. You can hardly claim to have loved and honoured her, can you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Taking your vows seriously doesn't give you the right to treat them like sh*t. Just because you marry someone it doesn't give you title to them. Words are cheap but actions say everything, from the earliest posts people have been recommending you get independent counselling you said you wound but you haven't. She's picked up on this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Taking your vows seriously doesn't give you the right to treat them like sh*t. Just because you marry someone it doesn't give you title to them. Words are cheap but actions say everything, from the earliest posts people have been recommending you get independent counselling you said you wound but you haven't. She's picked up on this. The earliest I can start is tomorrow at 8am. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Taking your vows seriously doesn't give you the right to treat them like sh*t. Just because you marry someone it doesn't give you title to them. Words are cheap but actions say everything, from the earliest posts people have been recommending you get independent counselling you said you wound but you haven't. She's picked up on this. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 The earliest I can start is tomorrow at 8am. Did you go to counseling today? How did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Why do people take their vows so lightly? I thought it was til death do us part. If the only part of your vows you are focused on is "till death do us part" then that is your problem. There were a number of promises before that final statement of "till death do us part" that you really seem to have missed out on. It seems like talk it pretty cheap with you. One actions and "are we fixed yet?" so you can go back to your slacking self. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Hmm this is a difficult one, I guess. Even if you became the man she used to love and married years ago, now she knows what you're really all about and she doesnt like it one bit. Like other posters said, councelling is most likely the best thing you can do at the moment. It will help you understand what makes you "you" and make changes to improve your life and relationships. Maybe your wife will see this as you making an effort to be a better person for her, but you should do this mainly for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be a better person than you were yesterday. Telling yourself you're a "good person" may be healthy for your ego, but if you don't back it up then it won't be long before reality comes knocking, shattering your delusions of self grandeur. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) I really do think there is still hope. I think she is very angry and feels there is no hope and has built a wall to hide her feelings from me or protect herself. She says her feelings are gone but I think maybe they can come back or maybe she needs space to heal. Updates: I've done some serious work on myself. I'm always very polite to her and keep it short and sweet if we do talk. I don't argue, I don't fight, I don't disagree, I don't tell her I love her. I just give her space but I'm also there if she needs anything. I've begun counseling and anger management so I don't say hurtful things to her as a response to something hurtful. I've began lifting weights again. I'm so much closer to my son now. I went to a Father's Day breakfast with him. I wasn't even planning on going before the recent circumstances. Now I will never miss anything of his. It was such a good time and more important than anything. I've reached out to friends and family for prayer. I've rejoined out old church small group of friends and they are praying. I am getting very active in church. I haven't honored my wife the way I should have. When I started the posts it was all about me and I didn't want her to go. I can take care of things in my own I've realized. But I really want to work it out now for her and my son, not for me. I want to honor her, show her grace, protect her, love her unconditionally, make her happy, raise our son as a functional team, and teach my son how to treat a woman. I got a promotion and raise the other day and to tell you the truth I didn't even care. I've spent all this time hyperfocused in my career to provide for my family instead of actually being a good husband or father which is the most important. They will be first from this point forward. She is getting her apartment next week. I do think she still doesn't trust that I'll change and right now she's so angry and hurt and feeling are gone that she won't care if I do. I think she's a little surprised I haven't been controlling and I've told her all of my money is her's and do what she needs to do and take what she needs to her apartment . I've stopped clinging to her and begging and I'm just leaving her alone. I hope she will heal. I'm hoping she will miss the MANY good times we had after time to heal and will see. I've changed. I'm telling all of you I have changed but I have more changing to do. Edited June 21, 2015 by Billybojim Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I'm glad you are taking positive steps. Congratulations on the promotion. But don't kid yourself. Serious work on yourself takes YEARS not the few days you have been doing this. Keep up the good work but be realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I've begun counseling and anger management so I don't say hurtful things to her as a response to something hurtful. I've began lifting weights again. I'm so much closer to my son now. I went to a Father's Day breakfast with him. I wasn't even planning on going before the recent circumstances. Now I will never miss anything of his. It was such a good time and more important than anything. I've reached out to friends and family for prayer. I've rejoined out old church small group of friends and they are praying. I am getting very active in church. Do those things for you and, more importantly, if she asks about the changes tell her they're in the interest of self-improvement. The confidence that comes from self-belief and comfort in your own skin is attractive, the obligation implied by "did it all for you" is not... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billybojim Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 She moves out Saturday. She told me that she doesn't plan on filing for divorce right away or anything and there's no rush to make it "official." Will somebody translate that for me? Link to post Share on other sites
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