Exploring the psychology of being in affair....

[Ms. Faust]

You know, I would have probably been accused of being in "the fog" when I really wasn't. I definitely got that addicted/chemical rush, though. Lived on that high with multiple APs for a long time. It's what kept me married for 5 years.

 

I met my ex when I was 16. I was a cynical teen and didn't believe in romantic, passionate, love. I wasn't into him, but I saw it as a temporary dating thing. I slept with other people, so did he.

 

I got into a fight with my parents at 17. Moved in with him and got a job so I could get my own place. Got pregnant at 17, had the baby at 18 and "did the right thing" at 19.

 

The relationship was distant and completely dysfunctional. I loathed him and was cheating within a month of the marriage.

 

Between working and being a mom (2nd kid born 4 years into the marriage), I had a couple nights a week to myself because my then MIL wanted to take her grandbabies. Those nights I'd go out. Other nights, I'd wait til the kids were sleeping and go out. Long as I was home by morning, the kids didn't know I was gone and the ex wouldn't say anything. I didn't sleep much.

 

APs and that cocktail of hormones and chemicals made my life tolerable. I could deal with the ex because I knew I'd be out with a man who I enjoyed, who I was attracted to, who made me laugh and so on.

 

Some were ONS, some short term, some long term, one off and on for 6 years. Two seriously wanted me to leave my ex for them, but I knew it wouldn't work out.

 

A year before I ended the sham marriage, I agreed to no more affairs. I snapped one month in and slept with a neighbor twice in a week. Must have been in withdrawal.Then nothing for 11 months. I was miserable! Deepest pit of despair.

 

I met a man. Love at first sight. Didn't act on it for two months. Then caught the ex breaking the agreement by making out with a mutual acquaintance. I told her she was welcome to him. But, even though I knew it had to end and was sketching plans, it was business as usual.

 

So, I hung out with the man a few times. We went on a date. Ended up sleeping together a week after that. Within a month we told my ex and I told him it was over and I wanted a divorce.

 

My then AP is now my DH. It's been 15 years. We've been married for 12. I still feel as strong as I did then. Still feel my heart race when I know he's coming home. Still get all aflutter when he calls from work just to talk. The physical attraction hasn't waned and neither has the sex. The emotional and intellectual connection keeps getting stronger and deeper.

 

I got lucky. I found what I thought didn't exist. When I think about the past, I feel bad that I broke my legally and publicly given word. I am also convinced the As were what kept me sane until I was motivated to finally divorce.

 

You know what I like about this story: it's simple. It's to the point, and as bare bones as it gets. Thereis no real villainizing of someone, no blaming, no abuse. I am not saying that it may or may not have been present in the marriage, but if it was there it is not focused on in this retelling.

 

There is no psychology to this story: it's a "we were young, we were dumb, we had kids" and then a simple "I fell in love with someone else".

 

Sometimes when you take out all the bits and pieces, affairs are as easily explained as that.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Mount]

Hey in my post I did not point to the singles, I was emphasizing the married ones especially the Betrayed spouses, that knowing how harsh the reality market is, to find a better or appropriate single one, thus they (BS) maintain the marriages no matter how bad their marriages are (be cheated all along) - which is totally understandable because the market out there is bad, not many good ones left.

 

For singles, they can choose keep being single/being alone, or they can date those who are also singles, or they can date those whom are not singles (which are perfectly falling into this category forum). If you continue to ask why they choose date those whom are married, I guess the answer is so obvious as it is OW/OM forum - they are who they are .

 

Isn't alone better? Why is being alone so much worst that one would settle for the above to just have another body in the house? That is mind boggling for me and luckily not how the women I know have operated. The single ones actually struggle settling down with someone because they don't want to acquiesce what they spend their money, time, and attention on. Maybe a little something something at times and someone to vent to occasional but outside of that they are good.

 

When did being alone become so bad that settling for a repeatedly cheating husband is necessary to have someone to call your own?

Edited August 24, 2015 by Mount

[oldshirt]

Isn't alone better? Why is being alone so much worst that one would settle for the above to just have another body in the house? That is mind boggling for me and luckily not how the women I know have operated. The single ones actually struggle settling down with someone because they don't want to acquiesce what they spend their money, time, and attention on. Maybe a little something something at times and someone to vent to occasional but outside of that they are good.

 

When did being alone become so bad that settling for a repeatedly cheating husband is necessary to have someone to call your own?

 

Your point would be spot on if the OP' s issues in her marriage were that her H was a jerk or was mistreating her or that her married life were bad enough that she yearned for freedom or solitude.

 

However that doesn't appear to me to be the case. The interpretation that I have come away with is that she is contemplating divorce so that she can pursue a deeper intimacy and passions and achieve a higher level of sexual satisfaction.

 

If her husband was mistreated her or cheating on her or had completely abandoned and neglected her I would say, "sure, file for divorce, get a good dog and curl up with some premium ice cream and enjoy your new found freedom."

 

However since much of this seems to be directed at finding a bigger and better deal in the man department, I think it is fair for people to point out the real world challenges of finding a bigger, better man at this stage of the game.

 

As she has stated that he is a good man, treats her well and is committed to the marriage, it is a valid argument that perhaps working to improve her satisfaction within the marriage will be better time and energy spent rather than dealing with a divorce and then looking for new love in the current marketplace.

 

The role of the affair in this kind of situation also cannot be downplayed as it is almost universal that someone in the high of an affair will almost always judge their spouse unfairly harshly.

[autumnnight]

From her descriptions, it sounds like her H is perfectly ok with the status quo and will likely not take her packing up and leaving laying down.

 

 

I think there needs to be a bigger and more comprehensive plan in place for this situation than simply assuming he is going to peacefully walk away without looking back or digging further.

 

I agree with this. A passive man who is fine with the status quo does NOT want that status quo messed with. Neither does he really want to look at his own laziness. This is exactly the type of man who will go looking for any cause besides himself for the demise of the marriage.

[Got it]

Hey in my post I did not point to the singles, I was emphasizing the married ones especially the Betrayed spouses, that knowing how harsh the reality market is, to find a better or appropriate single one, thus they (BS) maintain the marriages no matter how bad their marriages are (be cheated all along) - which is totally understandable because the market out there is bad, not many good ones left.

 

For singles, they can choose keep being single/being alone, or they can date those who are also singles, or they can date those whom are not singles (which are perfectly falling into this category forum). If you continue to ask why they choose date those whom are married, I guess the answer is so obvious as it is OW/OM forum - they are who they are .

 

I understood your point and that was my whole point. That the idea that "knowing how harsh the market is to find a better or appropriate single one thus they maintain the marriages no matter how bad their marriages are" is the issue.

 

Again how is being alone so far worse that one would stay married now matter how bad it is just so you aren't alone. That is a pathetic reason to stay married.

[Mount]

Ah...agree. But again there for sure have more complicate reasons that BS choose to stay, such as hope WS will change ; don't not want to change lifestyle in marriage; don't want to be alone in elder age time; don't want to be perceived as failure...etc and more.

 

I understood your point and that was my whole point. That the idea that "knowing how harsh the market is to find a better or appropriate single one thus they maintain the marriages no matter how bad their marriages are" is the issue.

 

Again how is being alone so far worse that one would stay married now matter how bad it is just so you aren't alone. That is a pathetic reason to stay married.

[ladydesigner]

Ah...agree. But again there for sure have more complicate reasons that BS choose to stay, such as hope WS will change ; don't not want to change lifestyle in marriage; don't want to be alone in elder age time; don't want to be perceived as failure...etc and more.

 

This one is HUGE. I at first stayed because I had hope, after False R I am staying for my kids, lifestyle, money (we have a better income combined than divorced), etc WH is aware of this and hopes he can prove me wrong.

[Got it]

This one is HUGE. I at first stayed because I had hope, after False R I am staying for my kids, lifestyle, money (we have a better income combined than divorced), etc WH is aware of this and hopes he can prove me wrong.

 

See I don't understand that. My dad/parents had the same reasoning and it was MISERABLE for everyone. It is such a hollow and unfulfilling reason to stay living with someone and life is so short. It is putting your life, to some degree, on hold/limbo for years.

 

I don't know, I respect everyone has a right to live how they see fit, I just don't understand it.

 

I really scratch my head, getting back to my original point, that people use this as a reasoning tactic when advising others (I am not saying you did/have LD). That the idea that the dating pool is limited should keep someone in a marriage.

 

As a fMOW, I also looked at it as recognizing that I did not and could not love my husband in the manner he deserve. I did not respect him, feel passionate about him, the way a wife should and he deserved that. So I also so us divorcing as giving him a chance to find a woman that would love him at that level. I could not manufacture it no matter how much I tried to, and I knew I never would. So I "set him free". And I am so glad I did. Regardless of my life, I see him with a wife now that is such a better fit for him, he has truly blossomed, and seems so at peace in his life. He has two kids now as well and is loving parenthood (something he was not interested in/afraid of prior).

 

I struggled for a long time trying to keep our relationship going because I analyzed, that on paper, we were a great fit, he is a good/safe/stable partner, that while I was unhappy with many things, am I throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This was a struggle I pondered for a very long time. It was safe in the relationship, and while I wasn't happy, it/we were predictable and a safe bet. But I reached a point where that wasn't enough any longer. My fear of the unknown dissipated enough or was outweighed by my lack of happiness and respect and the lack of his interest in addressing the issues. I just couldn't settle any longer, I knew that.

 

I get where people can then go into having affairs, meeting their unmet needs in other ways and staying in the safe marriage because it is "good enough". But I couldn't do it. Once the affair started I immediately separated. I knew gambling on being alone far outweighed the loneliness I felt in the marriage. I realized that I wasn't afraid of being alone and what we were living in just wasn't fair to either one of us.

 

I grew up with parents that settled and I realized I was walking down the same path. I would rather of loved and lost than to have continued to play it safe. The worst thing, in my head, is a life unfulfilled and allowing fear to dictate my decisions. Using my ex to appease my fear of being alone wasn't fair to him.

[midlifewife]

I guess I'm still not 'getting' the argument of why divorced men have it so much better than divorced women, or why the dating pool for a divorced upper 40's woman is primarily 50+ fat, balding losers. But the dating pool for these same men is younger, attractive women? This does not match up to what I've seen in my own life. I've seen compatible same age, attractive divorced people find each other and create lovely, shared lives together. I've also seen divorced women become self-confident and independent and not need a man in their lives to be happy...and would certainly not settle for a man that didn't not meet their needs.

[whatatangledweb]

I guess I'm still not 'getting' the argument of why divorced men have it so much better than divorced women, or why the dating pool for a divorced upper 40's woman is primarily 50+ fat, balding losers. But the dating pool for these same men is younger, attractive women? This does not match up to what I've seen in my own life. I've seen compatible same age, attractive divorced people find each other and create lovely, shared lives together. I've also seen divorced women become self-confident and independent and not need a man in their lives to be happy...and would certainly not settle for a man that didn't not meet their needs.

 

Hi, I know two men , both sucessful, who will not date women with children still at home. Many divorced 40 year olds have kids. Neither of these men have kids of their own. But they were both married to women who had a kid, they raised the children, and their wives cheated on them and they divorced. They were not able to see the kids again. Neither will put themselves through that again. That cuts out quite a few women so one looks for much younger women. He also says that most women he has come across in his age bracket look much older than they are.

 

Those are two examples. I do know other divorced people who date people their own age .

 

Reading on a different board. the divorced people , men and women find it hard to find the right one to date. I think it depends on the people and how big or small the area is where they live.

 

I was young when I divorced so dating someone new was not hard to do.

[ladydesigner]

See I don't understand that. My dad/parents had the same reasoning and it was MISERABLE for everyone. It is such a hollow and unfulfilling reason to stay living with someone and life is so short. It is putting your life, to some degree, on hold/limbo for years.

 

I don't know, I respect everyone has a right to live how they see fit, I just don't understand it.

 

I really scratch my head, getting back to my original point, that people use this as a reasoning tactic when advising others (I am not saying you did/have LD). That the idea that the dating pool is limited should keep someone in a marriage.

 

As a fMOW, I also looked at it as recognizing that I did not and could not love my husband in the manner he deserve. I did not respect him, feel passionate about him, the way a wife should and he deserved that. So I also so us divorcing as giving him a chance to find a woman that would love him at that level. I could not manufacture it no matter how much I tried to, and I knew I never would. So I "set him free". And I am so glad I did. Regardless of my life, I see him with a wife now that is such a better fit for him, he has truly blossomed, and seems so at peace in his life. He has two kids now as well and is loving parenthood (something he was not interested in/afraid of prior).

 

I struggled for a long time trying to keep our relationship going because I analyzed, that on paper, we were a great fit, he is a good/safe/stable partner, that while I was unhappy with many things, am I throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This was a struggle I pondered for a very long time. It was safe in the relationship, and while I wasn't happy, it/we were predictable and a safe bet. But I reached a point where that wasn't enough any longer. My fear of the unknown dissipated enough or was outweighed by my lack of happiness and respect and the lack of his interest in addressing the issues. I just couldn't settle any longer, I knew that.

 

I get where people can then go into having affairs, meeting their unmet needs in other ways and staying in the safe marriage because it is "good enough". But I couldn't do it. Once the affair started I immediately separated. I knew gambling on being alone far outweighed the loneliness I felt in the marriage. I realized that I wasn't afraid of being alone and what we were living in just wasn't fair to either one of us.

 

I grew up with parents that settled and I realized I was walking down the same path. I would rather of loved and lost than to have continued to play it safe. The worst thing, in my head, is a life unfulfilled and allowing fear to dictate my decisions. Using my ex to appease my fear of being alone wasn't fair to him.

 

Seriously great post, I keep reading it because I identify so much with what you have written. I recently had a talk with WH recently on how I felt he does deserve to be with someone who is passionate about him because I ... well I lost that feeling for him after False R was discovered. He wants to try, but I am like you say planted in limbo. I have a lot of Fear issues to work through and I feel WH is very codependent.

[Got it]

Thanks LD and I wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't insulting/criticizing you.

 

I don't know, I know I have made many a mistake over my lifetime so can not speak to being an expert by any means. I just spent so much time observing my parents and how unhappy they were my whole childhood. And the funny thing, they are so much better divorced. It took the steam off the pot once they weren't accountable to the other, we do holidays together, they are amicable, my dad has helped my mom financially numerous times, they have even vacationed together, etc. They just work so well coparenting and just being friends/acquaintances that they could have done that at 20/30/40 instead of 45+. That the fear of all these bad things that could have happened (and I don't dispute them) could have actually not be that bad.

 

I don't know, as a kid I just wanted my parents happy and not always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess the ideal would have been them happy together but we don't have any memories of that. In fact the few times we saw them affectionate with each other it made the kids very uncomfortable like a force against nature. It was just so unnatural for them to kiss, etc. Actually thinking about it will give us the heebie jeebies.

 

Listen with all you have been through especially really think about what will make you happy. Talk to a therapist but what is the best course of action for you. Talk to your kids, they should understand and I promise they want you happy as well.

 

What divorced finally caused my parents to do (and I think this was an underlying reason why my father was reluctant) is that it required to them parent on their own. When together parents kind of meld together so the one not pulling their weight as much is softened by the other parent, other areas get softened and spread among the two parents.

 

So once divorced, each parent is going to stand on their own parental merits and now have an independent relationships with their kids. So this is easier for some than others. And I think this was my father's concern so stayed until the kids were adults.

[oldshirt]

I guess I'm still not 'getting' the argument of why divorced men have it so much better than divorced women, or why the dating pool for a divorced upper 40's woman is primarily 50+ fat, balding losers. But the dating pool for these same men is younger, attractive women? This does not match up to what I've seen in my own life. I've seen compatible same age, attractive divorced people find each other and create lovely, shared lives together. I've also seen divorced women become self-confident and independent and not need a man in their lives to be happy...and would certainly not settle for a man that didn't not meet their needs.

 

To be fair, how attractive a man you find post divorce depends on how realistically attractive you are - it's no rocket science there.

 

If you look like Jenifer Aniston at your age, you'll find a decent looking, healthy guy.

 

But if you are round and overweight and have wirey hair in a buzzcut and have a double chin and jowls, whatever guy you end up with is going to look more like a twin than a BF.

 

The point people are trying to make is that there just aren't the numbers of single, good looking, successful and fit men in the 50s that there were in the 20s and early 30s. And the guys that are at the top of the that pecking order are going to be going for women in their 30s.

 

It's going to be a challenge, but I've been following both of your posts and I think you are so dissatisfied and so frustrated and so despondent in your marriage, I think you are at the point where ANY guy will do....at least for awhile.

 

If you are that dissatisfied with your husband, I think for both of your sanities you need to go. I read your posts and my heart bleeds for him. It has to be torture for him to be around you and want to make you love him and have you turn away and cringe at his touch again and again.

 

You are the very embodiment of my deepest nightmares as a man and a husband.

 

I think you do need to cut the cord and get away as cleanly and efficiently as possible.

 

You may find happiness and contentment. You may find the intimacy and passion you so crave.

 

And you may not, but at least you tried and if you give it your honest effort and never find it, then you will know and will see the light.

 

I can't imagine the pain youve been putting your husband through and the frustration and angst your inaction and rugsweeping has caused all these years.

 

Put of me does think you must have a riproaring case of affair fog and history rewriting, but you are sticking to your story so well I am beginning to think you speak the truth and that is even more frightening than a bad case of affair fog.

 

You'll find another man. Of that I have no doubt. The rest of the world may think he is a step down from your H, but I think you feel so little for your H at the moment that any man will be an improvement in your eyes.

 

Let your poor husband go. Make it as quick and easy as possible for him. Don't give him false hope or anything to hold on to. Cut him loose and make him free.

 

Enjoy your next man to the fullest even if he is a little round and bald. Just make a blood pact with yourself never to stay with a man you don't have feelings for again. Don't burn up another man's life waiting for feelings you don't have.

 

Walk away and clear your slate. Just don't make the same mistake again.