Exploring the psychology of being in affair....

[lemondrop21]

Interesting, so this must be what I'm going through - that anticipation of possible reward. MM and I are not officially in NC right now (we work together) but we've been doing LC for the past few days after having "the talk" that ended things. I knew I needed to meet with him about our project and decided that instead of a sit down meeting, I would walk into his office (leaving the door open), quickly ask him the questions I needed to ask, and then leave.

 

So that's what I did, all 100% professional, and it was super hard and really shook me up. I was upset in the moment and struggling not to cry. But later, I started to feel that anticipation building up, simply because we had interacted. He spoke to me, there was sexual tension in the air... and as much as my rational mind is committed to not sleeping with him anymore, that feeling of "maybe," that feeling of naughty temptation, was like a drug.

 

This morning I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm went off, totally energized. Just like what used to happen at the beginning of the A. "Go to work. See him," my brain was saying. That pull was almost irresistible.

[midlifewife]

re: the addiction/high part of this...I always wonder what it feels like to the other person in the relationship. My guess is that not every AP gets this same 'rush' or has the same level of response. Say the woman is the one in this state...does knowing that he is the holder of such power give the man his rush? Is there anyone here who can speak to that? I worry about creating an ego monster on the other end, so really don't reveal the extent of my obsessing....I also worry about freaking him out/scaring him away if he knew how cuckoo I was about our interactions!! He does say how much he enjoys chatting throughout the day, but I'm just guessing it's a different feeling for him.

[Got it]

Midlife - I have been in your shoes, married the "right" man on paper but stayed together far longer than we should have and married for the wrong reasons. Discussions ad nausem about fixing things but he was a huge conflict avoider and didn't have any desire to do so.

 

So I divorced after starting an affair a few weeks prior. My affair partner, married longer, with kids (I didn't have any), dealt with his wife's affair a few years prior, and was waiting out the kids growing up and the finances.

 

Life is what you make of it. I will tell you, hiding something is like Russian Roulette and the more of a trail the more likely found out, just simple statistics. Please take note of that.

 

And we only have one go around on this planet, so make sure you are living the life you want to life. There are no brownie points for being a martyr, a passenger, or asleep.

 

I have zero regrets divorcing, ours was very amicable and we have both moved on to better things. My ex is happily married to a wonderful woman and they now have kids together. I married my AP, we did have dday on his side and there was a lot of drama/issues tied to that for him. We are now years later, great relationship with the kids, cordial with his ex, and we are expecting our first child.

 

You can only control yourself, your actions and your words. My best advice, don't let fear leave you handicapped. Make sure it isn't just common sense screaming at you! But don't let fear be what stops you from moving in the right direction for yourself. Trust your gut and move forward with humility and authenticity.

 

I will say, the details listed about the affair didn't change in my relationship. We are still just as crazy about each other now as we were then and my attraction to him as never changed. He still makes my toes curl.

 

But regardless of what happened with him and I, I know deep down in my soul my divorce was the best decision for myself and for us, and I am at complete peace about it.

[minimariah]

I guess I'm a little perplexed by this sentiment. Mini, I'm not sure of your age, or if it matters, but do you really think this is a "sustainable" feeling? Maybe for someone that reads a lot of romance novels. But let's face it---partnering with someone, living with them, being around them day after day after day, the brutal reality of his eventual...HUMANNESS is going to dawn on you. Rather, this just sounds like the talk of persons who haven't sown all the seeds they need to sow.

 

absolutely - & i'm not that young anymore... at all.

 

i absolutely believe that passion can, in fact, last for MANY years... even forever. my personal opinion on many "midlife crisis" As such as the OP's is this - you go through life and you think about finding that explosive passion, incredible attraction, understanding, love, compassion, friendship... a perfect fit in one person. as years go by & you don't find that person - you SETTLE for the next best thing. for the safe option you know won't really go anywhere. years go by... you build a family and a life with this person and you're content.

 

until you finally meet that one person, with whom you discover everything you thought exists only in chickflicks. and that's when the "midlife crisis" affair happens - in reality, you find what you've been looking for your entire life.

 

it is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship without being sexually attracted to your partner - you're not in a romantic relationship at all, you're close friends with benefits... nothing more.

 

sure - relationships go through ups and downs but the attraction and passion CAN be present & preserved through many years. in the OP's case - those things were never even there.

[Jasmine1234]

Midlife - are you still in your affair? Is it the same intensity as it was when u first posted 3 months ago?

[midlifewife]

Midlife - are you still in your affair? Is it the same intensity as it was when u first posted 3 months ago?

We still text most days, but it's a bit less frequent. Haven't seen him in months. I feel like it's a bit of a stretch to call it an 'affair', although it is definitely a cheating situation. For a while, I thought he was starting to slowly pull back to end it, but then it picks up right where he left off. He has a much busier life than I do...demanding job, younger kids, so according to him that's all it is. Of course, I only half believe that (since it's not like sending a text takes all that long, lol). I just keep it in my head that either of us could end it at any time, so that I'm at least somewhat prepared for that. We've certainly made no promises to each other or commitments. Like I mentioned before, our dynamic isn't to replace our spouses...we just enjoy each other & provide a little escape for the other. No visions for the future...although it seems like he would be happy letting this go on the way it is indefinitely.

 

I mentioned in another thread that I'm planning on (finally) telling my H soon that I think we need to get divorced. This A hasn't factored into my decision (i.e. I'm not leaving because of it), but it will be interesting to see if anything changes with MOM once I've gone through that process..if we're still in contact at that point.

[chew123]

midlifewife,

 

Glad to hear you have made up your mind. If you can, do your husband a favor and tell him you have been having an affair and want a divorce.

 

I know you think that the 2 are unrelated, but that is not really the point. Odds are once you tell him he will be hurt, angry etc. But he will also realize its over and start to move forward.

 

If you don't tell him you run the risk of him hanging on and delaying what you say is inevitable. I know that in my case if my ex hadn't told me about the affair I would have incorrectly hung on to hope we could stay together.

 

The truth will cause him short term pain but will set both of you free. Sorry for the cliche.

 

i wish both you and your STBX good luck on your paths forward. Divorce is tough on all, regardless of fault, circumstances, who files , etc.

[ShatteredLady]

If there's no passion in your marriage & there never has been you're BOTH suffering & just existing. If you are certain that there's nothing that could create a loving, sexual bond between you why not set your husband free? He's settling. He's clearly a moral man who takes his vows & parenthood very seriously. He's accepted that his morality & his needs are opposing. He's probably not leaving for these reasons & he would feel less of a 'MAN' for deserting you. Be honest. He can't be happy.

Is your H the pot smoker? I know that getting stoned & loosing yourself in computers is a great way to escape & it can kill libido. He could find a nice lady who shares his interests. They could use pot to enhance their sex life. That's fun! He could have a great life & you're holding him back while getting your kicks.

Of course it will come as a shock & there will be a lot of pain. In the long run you will both be so much happier.

[midlifewife]

If there's no passion in your marriage & there never has been you're BOTH suffering & just existing. If you are certain that there's nothing that could create a loving, sexual bond between you why not set your husband free? He's settling. He's clearly a moral man who takes his vows & parenthood very seriously. He's accepted that his morality & his needs are opposing. He's probably not leaving for these reasons & he would feel less of a 'MAN' for deserting you. Be honest. He can't be happy.

I think what I've realized is that he's a very simple man. He got married, loves his wife, enjoys having sex with her and spending time together, end of story. Not too many requirements to be 'happy'...or at least 'satisfied'. I am projecting that after we've been apart for a while and he hopefully meets someone better suited for him, he'll realize what was actually missing with us.

 

Is your H the pot smoker?

Bwah!! Sorry for laughing, it's just that he is SO not....and it's so funny to read that ;-) He's actually quite the goody-goody...needs to loosen up sometimes!

[midlifewife]

If you can, do your husband a favor and tell him you have been having an affair and want a divorce.

Not sure I can or will do this. If I want him to understand my true reasons for letting go, I think that telling him about the A would be counterproductive. As soon as he hears that, everything else I say will go out the window and it will all be about the cheating. It's such an 'easy' thing to blame it on....much easier than understanding the fundamental issue of not being romantically connected which has been haunting our marriage since practically the beginning. It will also serve to bring additional pain, which I don't want to do either. I know there are two schools of thought about this, but I'm pretty firmly in the 'don't tell' camp, especially since our relationship will be ending anyway. If I was trying to salvage the marriage, I do think I'd need to tell him.

 

I do see your point about it helping him be able to let go...and perhaps that will lead me to tell him. I just need to see how he reacts and figure things out I guess.

[Morro72]

I should also mention that I've been on anti-depressants for a number of years, and have both mild (manageable) depression & anxiety symptoms.

What effects do you think your condition and your medication have had on your marriage and on other aspects of your life?

[Floveet]

I think what I've realized is that he's a very simple man. He got married, loves his wife, enjoys having sex with her and spending time together, end of story. Not too many requirements to be 'happy'...or at least 'satisfied'. I am projecting that after we've been apart for a while and he hopefully meets someone better suited for him, he'll realize what was actually missing with us.

 

 

Bwah!! Sorry for laughing, it's just that he is SO not....and it's so funny to read that ;-) He's actually quite the goody-goody...needs to loosen up sometimes!

 

That is sad that for what i understand, he knows nothing.

 

That is sad that for 18 years of marriage you never realized anything.

 

Or you just are in mid crisis thing.

 

I don't know...

I used to have sex with a lot of 38-45 years old girls, married, not married, unhappy wife. And most of them in a way could fall in love with the first guy who happened to be more interesting than their Husband.

 

However i have some questions in my mind :

 

1. Have u always lived in the country you are ?

City ?

2. If you try to remember passion with your husband, when was the last time you had that incredible sex where you want to bite him, put your nails inside his skin ?

3. Stop anti-depressant and go on weed. Works better than those chemical **** stuff. (that is not a question )

 

That's pretty all for me

[Majormisstep]

So, ending your M will set you "free" for MM - yes? You know once you are on your own that changes the game for him. Whether it is implied or spoken he will feel there is an expectation for him to leave his M...which is not going to happen.

 

Mycat has some sage advice, as do many of the other posters. I get what you are saying and what you want in life with a committed partner. But please know it will not be with your MM. And once he pulls away you just may realize what you lost with your H. But the damage will be done. And finding that thrill with a new single man (at our age) is comparable to the ol' needle and haystack analogy. Yes, your H deserves a partner who loves him and he will find your replacement rather quickly.

Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved posts focused on affair to appropriate thread

[midlifewife]

So, ending your M will set you "free" for MM - yes? You know once you are on your own that changes the game for him. Whether it is implied or spoken he will feel there is an expectation for him to leave his M...which is not going to happen.

I am absolutely not expecting that he would. He's told me that he doesn't plan to leave, and I have no reason to doubt that. He and I are in very different places in our lives and I get where he's at. I also don't even know if I'd want to be with him in a 'real' relationship...I honestly don't know enough about what he's really like. I know that I'm only seeing one side of him. That being said, I am curious about what effect my divorce will/would have on his behavior (like you said implied or unspoken). Just because I could see it changing the dynamic enough to make him somewhat uncomfortable.

 

And finding that thrill with a new single man (at our age) is comparable to the ol' needle and haystack analogy. Yes, your H deserves a partner who loves him and he will find your replacement rather quickly.

So, I won't be able to find someone, but he will (and quickly)? What's your thought process behind that?

[oldshirt]

Not sure I can or will do this. If I want him to understand my true reasons for letting go, I think that telling him about the A would be counterproductive. As soon as he hears that, everything else I say will go out the window and it will all be about the cheating. It's such an 'easy' thing to blame it on....much easier than understanding the fundamental issue of not being romantically connected which has been haunting our marriage since practically the beginning. It will also serve to bring additional pain, which I don't want to do either. I know there are two schools of thought about this, but I'm pretty firmly in the 'don't tell' camp, especially since our relationship will be ending anyway. If I was trying to salvage the marriage, I do think I'd need to tell him.

 

I do see your point about it helping him be able to let go...and perhaps that will lead me to tell him. I just need to see how he reacts and figure things out I guess.

 

 

There is a part of me that agrees with you and that there is really no need to disclose the A if you are going to inevitably divorce him no matter what.

 

 

However it is a completely unrealistic fantasy to think that you are going to hand him divorce papers and he passively says "OK" and then signs them and walks happily off to his new wonderful, post-divorce life that you have envisioned for him.

 

 

Realistically he is going to start digging and digging hard for evidence as to what is going on in his life and marriage. The A will be uncovered somehow.

 

 

I think part of your fog is way down deep, you think he must be as unhappy and unsatisfied as you and that he will simply walk away without trying to determine what is going on and that is simply not realistic.

 

 

Now please understand I am not urging you to tell him about the A after you get home from your Sunday grocery shopping. I am simply saying it is unrealistic to think that he is just going to walk away peacefully when you hand him the divorce papers.

 

 

I think this is something that you need to address professionally with an IC or therapist and come up with a workable plan on how to peel through all these layers and come up with something that is at least based in reality and not part of some kind of fog induced fantasy.

[Got it]

There is a part of me that agrees with you and that there is really no need to disclose the A if you are going to inevitably divorce him no matter what.

 

 

However it is a completely unrealistic fantasy to think that you are going to hand him divorce papers and he passively says "OK" and then signs them and walks happily off to his new wonderful, post-divorce life that you have envisioned for him.

 

 

Realistically he is going to start digging and digging hard for evidence as to what is going on in his life and marriage. The A will be uncovered somehow.

 

 

I think part of your fog is way down deep, you think he must be as unhappy and unsatisfied as you and that he will simply walk away without trying to determine what is going on and that is simply not realistic.

 

 

Now please understand I am not urging you to tell him about the A after you get home from your Sunday grocery shopping. I am simply saying it is unrealistic to think that he is just going to walk away peacefully when you hand him the divorce papers.

 

 

I think this is something that you need to address professionally with an IC or therapist and come up with a workable plan on how to peel through all these layers and come up with something that is at least based in reality and not part of some kind of fog induced fantasy.

 

I do want to say that this isn't always the case. I did not disclose my affair and we proceeded with divorcing without this relentless need that is speculated here that the spouse will assume to dig for another person. Sometimes both parties are aware enough the marriage has its own issues.

 

Now I am not saying that the OP should take this and run with the assumption it won't happen, it is a gamble to take, but it does not mean that it is will happen.

 

Nor does the doom and gloom assumption that choosing to divorce will mean the MM will go running for the hills, the OP will end up sad and alone, and her husband, free of the stain of infidelity, will have a harem of nubile virgins at his beck and call, as one poster opined.

 

From my personal experience, since I knew I was already committed to divorcing, I choose to take the gamble of not telling him. I did it for a multitude of reasons. Since we were divorcing, I had no advantage in the divorce on telling or not telling, and didn't impact in the state we were in, I choose not to say anything. There is a risk. I am years behind my divorce and my ex and I have an amicable relationship, both are happily remarried, he with kids, myself expecting, and we have moved on in our lives.

 

OP- make sure you want to divorce on the merits of your marriage and not based on any external reasons. You need to be at peace with your decision regardless of what happens in life later on. Therapy was very helpful for me in that. I have never regretted my divorce and know it was the right decision for both of us.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

 

 

So, I won't be able to find someone, but he will (and quickly)? What's your thought process behind that?

 

This was touched on in your other thread as well (including a very heartfelt and accurate post by Mycatsnuggles)

 

 

 

 

I think it is a bit harsh and downright inaccurate to say that you won't be able to find someone else. There are people out there for sure.

 

 

But a concern that I and some of the other posters have is that your perceptions of those options may be a bit unrealistic.

 

 

The last time you were single, you were a woman in your mid20s with single, attractive, successful men lining up outside your doorstep.

 

 

It will simply not be that way now. There are still men out there that will be interested in you but they are going to fall into these general camps-

 

 

- one is what you are already experiencing and these are married men looking for some side action. There are actually a lot of those and you will have easy pickings if all you want is some fun in the dark on the down low.

 

 

- the other is single men looking for something legitimate, but here is the part that you may not be realizing yet. 50 year old men are starting to get pretty beat up by this age. Take a look around at the middle age men that appear single the next time you go to the mall or the grocery store or any other venue where a normal crossection of normal people are going about their business.

 

 

You are going to see beer guts, missing teeth, balding heads with terrible comb-overs, pants with the crotches down to the knees, bushy white beards with tobacco stains and remnants of last night's cheeseburger and long, yellow, chipped nails every place you look.

 

 

Those are single, 50 year old men that are left. Then add to that all the drunks, druggies, chronically unemployed/underemployed and those that have now accrued criminal records etc.

 

 

Now there are to be sure, many 50 year old men that have held up well, have stayed in shape, still have hair and teeth and that have good, honorable careers. The catch is those guys are going to be dating 30 year olds.

 

 

You'll be able to date age-appropriate guys, but you'll have to decide where you are going to compromise. will you settle for the gut as long as he is sober and doesn't have a criminal record? or will you settle for the scrawny guy that still has some hair but drinks his breakfast and settles down with a little too much skotch and coke at night?

 

 

There's a lot of 50 year old married men out there that would love to have a side piece and there are a lot of single men that would like to date. The problem isn't the quantity, the issue is the quality.

 

 

The single, attractive, successful men that wanted to date and have a home and family with you in your 20s are now either taken by other women or they falling apart.

 

 

The few that have held up well from the rigors of time, now have the options of younger, more vigorous women that don't have as much baggage and have more years of zest left in them and that is who they are going to be pursuing.

 

 

As I said in your other thread, if that still sounds better than what you are dealing with in marriage now, then divorce with a clear conscience.

 

 

But if your perception of single life is that it is going to be a rinse and repeat of your single life 25 years ago, you need to do a little more research.

[oldshirt]

....now one of the pitfalls that affairs pose into this equation, is they often give a false sense of security and give a false sense of what the options are going to be post-divorce.

 

 

When someone is contemplating divorce and they have someone else sexing them up and telling them how great they are in the dark, it can often serve as a bit of a safety net making them feel more secure in taking the plunge.

 

 

The problem is that safety net is often very weak and full of great big holes.

 

 

In this case it's a MM that has already said he's not leaving his wife.

 

 

He's good at giving you strokes and making you feel desirable in the dark. However that reality may not carry forward by the light of day once everything has been said and done.

 

 

When you make this decision, base it on the facts of what life really is without the affair partner and without the assumption of a bigger, better man coming along at the end of the day.

 

 

If you look at your life and it will be better on your own, even if you never find someone better than your H, then divorce is the viable option.

[oldshirt]

I do want to say that this isn't always the case. I did not disclose my affair and we proceeded with divorcing without this relentless need that is speculated here that the spouse will assume to dig for another person. Sometimes both parties are aware enough the marriage has its own issues.

 

 

I agree with you in principle. I do think there are many instances where both people are ready, willing and able to throw in the towel and move on without further ado.

 

 

.....I don't think this is one of those instances however.

 

 

From her descriptions, it sounds like her H is perfectly ok with the status quo and will likely not take her packing up and leaving laying down.

 

 

I think there needs to be a bigger and more comprehensive plan in place for this situation than simply assuming he is going to peacefully walk away without looking back or digging further.

[Got it]

This was touched on in your other thread as well (including a very heartfelt and accurate post by Mycatsnuggles)

 

 

 

 

I think it is a bit harsh and downright inaccurate to say that you won't be able to find someone else. There are people out there for sure.

 

 

But a concern that I and some of the other posters have is that your perceptions of those options may be a bit unrealistic.

 

 

The last time you were single, you were a woman in your mid20s with single, attractive, successful men lining up outside your doorstep.

 

 

It will simply not be that way now. There are still men out there that will be interested in you but they are going to fall into these general camps-

 

 

- one is what you are already experiencing and these are married men looking for some side action. There are actually a lot of those and you will have easy pickings if all you want is some fun in the dark on the down low.

 

 

- the other is single men looking for something legitimate, but here is the part that you may not be realizing yet. 50 year old men are starting to get pretty beat up by this age. Take a look around at the middle age men that appear single the next time you go to the mall or the grocery store or any other venue where a normal crossection of normal people are going about their business.

 

 

You are going to see beer guts, missing teeth, balding heads with terrible comb-overs, pants with the crotches down to the knees, bushy white beards with tobacco stains and remnants of last night's cheeseburger and long, yellow, chipped nails every place you look.

 

 

Those are single, 50 year old men that are left. Then add to that all the drunks, druggies, chronically unemployed/underemployed and those that have now accrued criminal records etc.

 

 

Now there are to be sure, many 50 year old men that have held up well, have stayed in shape, still have hair and teeth and that have good, honorable careers. The catch is those guys are going to be dating 30 year olds.

 

 

You'll be able to date age-appropriate guys, but you'll have to decide where you are going to compromise. will you settle for the gut as long as he is sober and doesn't have a criminal record? or will you settle for the scrawny guy that still has some hair but drinks his breakfast and settles down with a little too much skotch and coke at night?

 

 

There's a lot of 50 year old married men out there that would love to have a side piece and there are a lot of single men that would like to date. The problem isn't the quantity, the issue is the quality.

 

 

The single, attractive, successful men that wanted to date and have a home and family with you in your 20s are now either taken by other women or they falling apart.

 

 

The few that have held up well from the rigors of time, now have the options of younger, more vigorous women that don't have as much baggage and have more years of zest left in them and that is who they are going to be pursuing.

 

 

As I said in your other thread, if that still sounds better than what you are dealing with in marriage now, then divorce with a clear conscience.

 

 

But if your perception of single life is that it is going to be a rinse and repeat of your single life 25 years ago, you need to do a little more research.

 

I am sorry but I really feel this is the wrong focus if someone is considering divorce. You shouldn't be in the marriage because the above is your fear so you are there by default. Divorcing should be whether or not the marriage is healthy and happy place for the two parties should be.

 

So the fear mongering about this single life that people are espousing seems to be the message that staying would be better because, basically, everything else just sucks. Wow, way to win a prize there.

 

OP - divorce because staying married to your husband no longer works for you, you have no energy or inclination to try and longer, and no matter what the outcome is, you are at peace that divorcing is the best decision.

 

IF you are divorcing because you think there may be something better but home isn't that bad, or you feel that you could try a little bit more, then recommit at home and try and see how much more you can do to try and turn the ship around.

 

Commit or divorce on the merits of the relationship, not due to the dating pool or lack there of. That would be a decision, which ever way you go, that you will regret.

[Majormisstep]

This was touched on in your other thread as well (including a very heartfelt and accurate post by Mycatsnuggles)

 

 

 

 

I think it is a bit harsh and downright inaccurate to say that you won't be able to find someone else. There are people out there for sure.

 

 

But a concern that I and some of the other posters have is that your perceptions of those options may be a bit unrealistic.

 

 

The last time you were single, you were a woman in your mid20s with single, attractive, successful men lining up outside your doorstep.

 

 

It will simply not be that way now. There are still men out there that will be interested in you but they are going to fall into these general camps-

 

 

- one is what you are already experiencing and these are married men looking for some side action. There are actually a lot of those and you will have easy pickings if all you want is some fun in the dark on the down low.

 

 

- the other is single men looking for something legitimate, but here is the part that you may not be realizing yet. 50 year old men are starting to get pretty beat up by this age. Take a look around at the middle age men that appear single the next time you go to the mall or the grocery store or any other venue where a normal crossection of normal people are going about their business.

 

 

You are going to see beer guts, missing teeth, balding heads with terrible comb-overs, pants with the crotches down to the knees, bushy white beards with tobacco stains and remnants of last night's cheeseburger and long, yellow, chipped nails every place you look.

 

 

Those are single, 50 year old men that are left. Then add to that all the drunks, druggies, chronically unemployed/underemployed and those that have now accrued criminal records etc.

 

 

Now there are to be sure, many 50 year old men that have held up well, have stayed in shape, still have hair and teeth and that have good, honorable careers. The catch is those guys are going to be dating 30 year olds.

 

 

You'll be able to date age-appropriate guys, but you'll have to decide where you are going to compromise. will you settle for the gut as long as he is sober and doesn't have a criminal record? or will you settle for the scrawny guy that still has some hair but drinks his breakfast and settles down with a little too much skotch and coke at night?

 

 

There's a lot of 50 year old married men out there that would love to have a side piece and there are a lot of single men that would like to date. The problem isn't the quantity, the issue is the quality.

 

 

The single, attractive, successful men that wanted to date and have a home and family with you in your 20s are now either taken by other women or they falling apart.

 

 

The few that have held up well from the rigors of time, now have the options of younger, more vigorous women that don't have as much baggage and have more years of zest left in them and that is who they are going to be pursuing.

 

 

As I said in your other thread, if that still sounds better than what you are dealing with in marriage now, then divorce with a clear conscience.

 

 

But if your perception of single life is that it is going to be a rinse and repeat of your single life 25 years ago, you need to do a little more research.

 

 

Thanks Oldshirt....this is what I was trying to say.

 

Mid, hopefully your post divorce dating experience will be better than mine. While my M was falling apart I thought that if I had to go it alone, surely I would be in the running for these handsome men pictured in the dating website advertising. Yikes - not even close! One still lived at home (49 years old and no real job), one showed me pics of his hot 38 year old blond travel partner (he was 56 - I was 50) and the stories get weirder and more bizarre with each new coffee meeting.

 

And the icing on the cake to this - as I alluded to earlier - is my xH has found someone great and is happy. I am still sorting through the castaways. This outcome obviously is not written for everyone. Just has happened to me.

[Mount]

Totally make sense, that is also explaining why so many Betrayed wives still are willingly married to their repeatedly cheating husbands despite they cheat again and again, or why some divorced Betrayed wives were posting here with gruesome posting against affairs instead of dating a man (because not many men left anyway).

 

The truth is, the reality out there is harsh.

 

Thanks Oldshirt....this is what I was trying to say.

 

Mid, hopefully your post divorce dating experience will be better than mine. While my M was falling apart I thought that if I had to go it alone, surely I would be in the running for these handsome men pictured in the dating website advertising. Yikes - not even close! One still lived at home (49 years old and no real job), one showed me pics of his hot 38 year old blond travel partner (he was 56 - I was 50) and the stories get weirder and more bizarre with each new coffee meeting.

 

And the icing on the cake to this - as I alluded to earlier - is my xH has found someone great and is happy. I am still sorting through the castaways. This outcome obviously is not written for everyone. Just has happened to me.

[SycamoreCircle]

absolutely - & i'm not that young anymore... at all.

 

i absolutely believe that passion can, in fact, last for MANY years... even forever. my personal opinion on many "midlife crisis" As such as the OP's is this - you go through life and you think about finding that explosive passion, incredible attraction, understanding, love, compassion, friendship... a perfect fit in one person. as years go by & you don't find that person - you SETTLE for the next best thing. for the safe option you know won't really go anywhere. years go by... you build a family and a life with this person and you're content.

 

until you finally meet that one person, with whom you discover everything you thought exists only in chickflicks. and that's when the "midlife crisis" affair happens - in reality, you find what you've been looking for your entire life.

 

it is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship without being sexually attracted to your partner - you're not in a romantic relationship at all, you're close friends with benefits... nothing more.

 

sure - relationships go through ups and downs but the attraction and passion CAN be present & preserved through many years. in the OP's case - those things were never even there.

Sorry, just posted bail and can now move around again. I still can't agree with this, at least with the kind of innocence you propose. Yes, I do believe that two people can find each other who, over a lifetime, exchange a transcendent level of love, respect and desire for each other. But I think at some point "explosive passion" unforgivably transforms into something else. I just don't believe there's some woman out there who gets butterflies in her stomach when her husband of 35 years walks into the living room. And if it seems unfair for me to use such "measurements of desire", it's only because I feel these are the kind of terms your argument emphasizes. What does explosive passion transform into? Compassion and empathy. At some point we see the person for who they really are---in all their grandiosity and all their failing. Our partner is put on the judgment block. And we have to choose, do we love this person in spite of all their shortcomings? By choosing yes, a deeper level of desire and intimacy is formed. It goes beyond the surface tension of wanting to jump someone's bones. It has to. That attraction is superficial and always dies.

[Got it]

Totally make sense, that is also explaining why so many Betrayed wives still are willingly married to their repeatedly cheating husbands despite they cheat again and again, or why some divorced Betrayed wives were posting here with gruesome posting against affairs instead of dating a man (because not many men left anyway).

 

The truth is, the reality out there is harsh.

 

Isn't alone better? Why is being alone so much worst that one would settle for the above to just have another body in the house? That is mind boggling for me and luckily not how the women I know have operated. The single ones actually struggle settling down with someone because they don't want to acquiesce what they spend their money, time, and attention on. Maybe a little something something at times and someone to vent to occasional but outside of that they are good.

 

When did being alone become so bad that settling for a repeatedly cheating husband is necessary to have someone to call your own?

[MJJean]

You know, I would have probably been accused of being in "the fog" when I really wasn't. I definitely got that addicted/chemical rush, though. Lived on that high with multiple APs for a long time. It's what kept me married for 5 years.

 

I met my ex when I was 16. I was a cynical teen and didn't believe in romantic, passionate, love. I wasn't into him, but I saw it as a temporary dating thing. I slept with other people, so did he.

 

I got into a fight with my parents at 17. Moved in with him and got a job so I could get my own place. Got pregnant at 17, had the baby at 18 and "did the right thing" at 19.

 

The relationship was distant and completely dysfunctional. I loathed him and was cheating within a month of the marriage.

 

Between working and being a mom (2nd kid born 4 years into the marriage), I had a couple nights a week to myself because my then MIL wanted to take her grandbabies. Those nights I'd go out. Other nights, I'd wait til the kids were sleeping and go out. Long as I was home by morning, the kids didn't know I was gone and the ex wouldn't say anything. I didn't sleep much.

 

APs and that cocktail of hormones and chemicals made my life tolerable. I could deal with the ex because I knew I'd be out with a man who I enjoyed, who I was attracted to, who made me laugh and so on.

 

Some were ONS, some short term, some long term, one off and on for 6 years. Two seriously wanted me to leave my ex for them, but I knew it wouldn't work out.

 

A year before I ended the sham marriage, I agreed to no more affairs. I snapped one month in and slept with a neighbor twice in a week. Must have been in withdrawal.Then nothing for 11 months. I was miserable! Deepest pit of despair.

 

I met a man. Love at first sight. Didn't act on it for two months. Then caught the ex breaking the agreement by making out with a mutual acquaintance. I told her she was welcome to him. But, even though I knew it had to end and was sketching plans, it was business as usual.

 

So, I hung out with the man a few times. We went on a date. Ended up sleeping together a week after that. Within a month we told my ex and I told him it was over and I wanted a divorce.

 

My then AP is now my DH. It's been 15 years. We've been married for 12. I still feel as strong as I did then. Still feel my heart race when I know he's coming home. Still get all aflutter when he calls from work just to talk. The physical attraction hasn't waned and neither has the sex. The emotional and intellectual connection keeps getting stronger and deeper.

 

I got lucky. I found what I thought didn't exist. When I think about the past, I feel bad that I broke my legally and publicly given word. I am also convinced the As were what kept me sane until I was motivated to finally divorce.