Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hello everyone, Today I was enjoying my staurday afternoon in a bookstore until all of a sudden my phone buzzed, I saw that I recieved an E-Mail, I didn't bother to check it at first, thought it might be a spam Mail or something, but I eventually checked and the E-mail was from my Ex-Girlfriend of 2 years. For those who don't know, I'll summarize it up real quick, we were together for 2 years, she mentioned last year, that her feelings aren't the same for me, eventually during the last 3 months she became distant and once I confronted her about it, she took the opportunity to breakup and ran into this other guys arms. I confronted her about it, she used all the cliches that you guys know, so it's not worth repeating it again, if you guys are interested, you can check my other 2 threads for further info. I've removed her from everywhere, her brothers get in touch with me from time to time, I keep the conversations short and never bother to inquire about her, last month (I think) her borther messaged me and it seemed pretty blunt and straight forward that after "hi how are you" he went straight to ask if I've a girlfriend or not. My sense was telling me that something was up from that day, but I didn't bother going too deep into it. Fast forward today, I've recieved an E-mail from her directly. Here's what the E-Mail reads : "Hello it's (her name) I don't know if you still use this email but I'm gonna give it a try anyway. If you don't want anything to do with me then just don't reply to this email and then I apologise for disturbing you. But just wanted to ask how you are, how's life and all that. Hope to hear from you and if not, it's okay also. (her name)". I have a pretty good idea on what's happening behind the scenes, it's clear to me that her relationship with the other dude didn't work out and now she's testing the waters with me, it doesn't matter who broke up with who, I think she's either wanting to get back with me till she finds someone else she attracted to and would bail ...or she's using me to show her freshly Ex Boyfriend that she can get back with me to get his attention. The third and the most rarest option would be her finally realizing what she has done and wants to give it another shot, but her e-mail is too vaque to tell since she's testing the waters. Regardless, I would love to hear your opinions on this matter. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'd just come out and ask her what she wants. No need to show your hand, just ask what she hopes to accomplish by reaching out to you. That is, assuming you're open to at least considering a reconciliation. If you're not, then I'd just delete it and ignore. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Ruby65, That is what I am debating, that is this a reconciliaton she's after or one of the following : 1. Using me as a backup till she finds someone else 2. To re-attract her Ex Boyfriend, in case he finished it with her 3. Testing the waters out of pure guilt, knowing that I'm fine and everything is nice & dandy so she can go back to her shrades. Although one thing is clear to me with the way the E-mail is written, she is definitely interested to open the lines of communication, it's been almost a year since we broke up and 10 Months of No Contact, so when you get an Email like this, I'm pretty sure that there is trouble in the paradise. Edited May 30, 2015 by Holmes85 ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I agree, it sounds like she's testing the waters with you. So, I'd ask her point-blank and see what her response is: "What do you hope to accomplish by getting in touch with me?" See what she has to say for herself! If she's interested in reconciling, she's going to be revealing more -- and she'll do it quickly. If she's just dropping breadcrumbs to see if you're around as a Plan B option, she'll be evasive and try to draw you in to casual conversation and make jokes and keep it light. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DexterLS Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Do you still want her back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 So, I'd ask her point-blank and see what her response is: "What do you hope to accomplish by getting in touch with me?" Exactly - A short reply - "What do you hope to accomplish by getting in touch with me?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Do you still want her back? This is the most important question to ask yourself and if you really have to think long and hard about it after being in NC for so long, then that should answer your question. If you aren't sure, then don't throw all the months of NC and healing down the drain to get hurt again. She is testing the waters. If you know 100% in your heart and logic that you would want to try again and you know it is worth it, then ask her "why are you trying to contact me after so much time has passed?" and leave it at that and see what she comes back with. If it is just a bunch of vague meaningless reasons and nothing that comes out and says she made a huge mistake and wants to get together right away to talk, then you leave it alone. You can't waste too much time on this. Chances are she just wants attention and things aren't going well for her at this time. Again, if you do want to try you have to be point blank with her and then go by her ACTIONS, they mean everything. I've been there. After just reading what you said though, I would leave this email alone and let her try again or contact you in another way. If she really wants to, she wont give up that easy and she should expect that you are not going to just let her back in just like that especially since she left you for another man. That's a tough pill to swallow in my book and I couldn't get back with anyone after that. Trust is gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 I am still debating whether to reply to that E-mail or not. Either I reply it with a one-liner that is stated above or let it go and see what happens after that. As the post above mine states, if she's really that interested, she would find more creative ways to get in touch with me, either through her family or herself, the question I'm asking myself is would there be another contact if this one is left alone. As for wanting her back, with the current information I've and the events that have unfolded I've to say No. Based on the E-mail I've gotten, it's clear to me that I might find more clear answers by responding to the E-mail. Either message her back giving her the satisfaction that I'm still interested in the carrot that's dangling in front of me or play the useless game of I'm not interested in the carrot unless it's doubled, which may or may not happen. I've not responded back, but I feel tempted to see what happens if I ignore this E-Mail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Her email is all about her and control. Ignore and block it. She is not concerned with you. She wants to remain connected to you on her terms. I base this on my opinion from my experiences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HowMightI-live Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I would just ask her whats up, straight forward, quick, what can i do for you? type of attitude. Put her in the position where she'll be forced to give you a sense of what her goal is. Going about it any other way would just give her the leeway to confuse and talk to you in circles. What does she want? Thats the question. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Don't respond either way your her 2nd choice .. That would never sit well with me , let him haver her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's a friggin' email from an ex. It's not a letter planning espionage, nor does it appear to be an encoded message on world domination. Why on earth do folks absolutely jump to mind games, overthinking, and being defensive? Be a friggin adult and do exactly what Ruby has said... My opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's a friggin' email from an ex. It's not a letter planning espionage, nor does it appear to be an encoded message on world domination. Why on earth do folks absolutely jump to mind games, overthinking, and being defensive? Be a friggin adult and do exactly what Ruby has said... My opinion. And that's why people go back to square one , she left him for another guy what could she possible have to say thats worth hearing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
makemehappy Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I"m with EgoJoe. My ex did the same I asked the meaning of the contact They just keep you hooked. Ex was again way more on my mind after that short communication. If she doesn't want to get back together, then contact is pointless. And if she does, she needs to be a little bit more specific. She is handing you the ball but she probably doesn't even want to play the game Believe me, it"s not worth it. I regretted it, and the email I've got was very similar to yours Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 It's a friggin' email from an ex. It's not a letter planning espionage, nor does it appear to be an encoded message on world domination. Why on earth do folks absolutely jump to mind games, overthinking, and being defensive? Be a friggin adult and do exactly what Ruby has said... My opinion. Frigginlost, If you want me to be honest, your response was pure garbage. You are mixing your frustration with your Ex Girlfriend in this thread. It's not a letter planning espionage, nor does it appear to be an encoded message on world domination.That's pretty ironic coming from a guy who has pasted the following threads: Breadcrumb or reach out? Would you consider this breaking NC? Lying and the breakup Holy Crud. Social media is the Devil! Here's my advice to you, whether you want to take it or not, is entirely up to you. Take some time off obsessing about your Ex Girlfriend. Stop spying on her. If you want to get out of the emotional mess you are in, you have to work for it. Instead of giving advice, you are in dire need to be given one. Once you have your head back in the game and your logical side starts thinking, then you might have something valuable to say, right now from what I can tell, you are totally off the tracks and your train is on full speed ahead with a brick wall ahead of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Looks like it's not quite heaven with the other guy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 You live once, sometimes you only get one chance to make a specific decision, it's completely up to you what to do. You can ignore it and think what if? or you can reply... I'd personally reply but keep it blunt, if you break NC so what? it's not like you're gonna get an achievement if you don't break it. Life is too short to play mind games, literally do whatever you feel is right and follow your instinct. Reply without expectation and you will be fine either way, I think. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Satu, Trust me it was never going to be. Once you confuse stability, routine and comfortableness with boredom or try to seek the thrill elsewhere, the life has it's way in bringing you down to the ground and make you face the reality. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 You live once, sometimes you only get one chance to make a specific decision, it's completely up to you what to do. You can ignore it and think what if? or you can reply... I'd personally reply but keep it blunt, if you break NC so what? it's not like you're gonna get an achievement if you don't break it. Life is too short to play mind games, literally do whatever you feel is right and follow your instinct. Reply without expectation and you will be fine either way, I think. Good luck. Jimmyjackson, I am not going to play any mindgames, it would be an utter waste of time for me and for her. I would probably ask her about what's the purpose of her getting in touch with me. But I am not going to respond it back to her right away. It's not on my priority list right now, neither it should be after the events that have unfolded. She would get her reply whether it's tomorrow or within 3 weeks, the thing is that she has come to accept the terms that I am no longer waiting around for her and have indeed made strides moving on to the point that I am fine without her. By responding to her quickly would only give her the ego boost she might be looking for, let her feel the loss for a while. The bottom line here is to let her know that the actions she has taken so far are not acceptable and has it's consequences. Jumping into another relationship quickly after ending the relationship is never a good idea, she had to learn it the hard way and she brought it onto herself, now she is probably looking for me to provide her with the safe landing. She needs to hit rock bottom, it's only then she would truly realize what she has done, me comforting her isn't going to help anything but would only delay the inevitable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hey Holmes, If I were in your shoes, I would think back to the very last convo you had with her 10 months ago and how you felt at that time. Go from that feeling. That's just my thought. I feel like some of these exes think time washes away the pain of their cruelty at the end and they can just check in like nothing happened (um... no). This is your opportunity for vindication for all of the heartache you've suffered since day 1 NC. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) Frigginlost, If you want me to be honest, your response was pure garbage. You are mixing your frustration with your Ex Girlfriend in this thread. That's pretty ironic coming from a guy who has pasted the following threads: Breadcrumb or reach out? Would you consider this breaking NC? Lying and the breakup Holy Crud. Social media is the Devil! Here's my advice to you, whether you want to take it or not, is entirely up to you. Take some time off obsessing about your Ex Girlfriend. Stop spying on her. If you want to get out of the emotional mess you are in, you have to work for it. Instead of giving advice, you are in dire need to be given one. Once you have your head back in the game and your logical side starts thinking, then you might have something valuable to say, right now from what I can tell, you are totally off the tracks and your train is on full speed ahead with a brick wall ahead of you. Easy guy... I wasn't jumping down your throat. In re-reading what I wrote, I can see how to took it that way. For that, I apologize. I actually don't care what you have to say about my situation (don't take that the wrong way or as a slight in any way). *BUT* I heed every ounce of advice and choose what's best for my situation as nobody can really know every little detail based on a forum. Just like I don't know every detail of yours. And for what it's worth, I don't start a new thread for every feeling that I have regarding dealing with my ex (no follow-ups is what I mean). But I am a believer of LC until a position of NC is needed. Thanks for your advice though... have not hit a brick wall yet and have not really thought too much of the ex in a month and a half. Edited May 31, 2015 by frigginlost Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 By responding to her quickly would only give her the ego boost she might be looking for, let her feel the loss for a while. The bottom line here is to let her know that the actions she has taken so far are not acceptable and has it's consequences. Jumping into another relationship quickly after ending the relationship is never a good idea, she had to learn it the hard way and she brought it onto herself, now she is probably looking for me to provide her with the safe landing. Hey Holmes. I've been feeling a lot better lately, much thanks to your brilliant post in my thread. Let's see if I can help you in any way... Don't take this the wrong way, but somehow I get the feeling that you actually want her back, or... at least, that you want to get the option, so that you can turn it down. But the thing is... No matter how you look at it... This means that she still has control over you. Think about it this way. A super hot chick doesn't wait three days until she respons to message. Nope, she responds when she has the time. Sometimes it's within 10 seconds, other times she forgets about the message completely. This is what you should be striving for. If you're having thoughts such as "Hmm, I'll wait two more days and then I respond", I don't think you're ready to have any contact with her. I wouldn't take my ex back either (at least that's what I'm telling myself). But yet, I fantasize every day about her contacting me. And I realise, that if she did, I would have the exact same thoughts as you do. Don't think too much. I would ask her what she wants as quickly as possible. Your mind is your biggest enemy at this point. I'm sure you're having thoughts such as "What if...?", "Maybe if I...", "I'll show her" and such. Ignore that ****. Ask her what she wants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Hey, As above, just get it out the way, otherwise it will be more punishing in away. Bluntly just ask her what she whats ? Done deal..then the choice is yours on her response. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SleepingLion Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) The first time my ex contacted me, which was like 6 months after she left me for someone else, I thought she wanted to get back together. But, I didn't answer her message, because I didn't want to get all my hopes up. Turned out this was a great decision, because she's still in a happy relationship with her new boyfriend, and she's pregnant now. So obviously she didn't have any intentions of getting back together. What I'm trying to tell you, Holmes85, is that dumpers tend to get in touch with the dumpees, after some time has past from the break up. In most cases, they are just curious about how're you doing, and nothing more. They're not trying to harm you or anything, but unless they clearly stated they want to reconcile, they just want to have a casual chat. Which dumpees often don't want, because they're unsure of the dumper's intentions. When you're still in the moving on process, and you're unsure whether your ex wants to get back together or not, the best thing to do is to ignore the message. You're most likely to get hurt, and you don't need any of this right now. On the other hand, if you're already over the break up, and you don't have any feelings for your ex anymore, then answering the message is your own choice. Would you like to catch up with her, and become friends? Sure, why not? But ONLY if you're genuinely over the ex. Otherwise you're just opening up to get hurt. - SleepingLion Edited May 31, 2015 by SleepingLion Link to post Share on other sites
Thecondor1991 Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Yeah I would ask her what she wants. Don't be rude about it, just say something like "Im doing fine, I hope your doing well too. Is there anything else I can do for you?" Then decide what to do depending on her answer. Who knows maybe shes changed and really wants another go at a relationship(stranger things have happened.) Link to post Share on other sites
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