frigginlost Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Having a tough time here folks and would like some advice... I recently ended a 10 month relationship with the gf for lying. I caught her in a pretty bad lie with some major deception/lying by omission involved. I'll try to keep it short, as sometimes these things can get lengthy -- Back when the gf and I started dating, just as most new couples do, we started talking about past relationships. One of her past "friends" peaked my "one to watch" radar, as she had mentioned that he had sent inappropriate images to her which she found disgusting and that since she had no interest in him, she found it offensive. As the relationship started to progress, things were going quite nicely and I fell for her, hard. Best damn thing to happen to me. As a divorced man in his 40's you never know if you will be hit with that bolt again. But, as with all new relationships, there is a learning curve about a new person in your life. As we started working through the ups and downs after the honeymoon period was over, I had noticed that her friend for some reason, blocked me on Facebook so as I could not see any of his comments. This was a huge red flag to me. I confronted, and the gf stated that she had no control over what he does on FB and had told him in the past that she was with me. Fair enough. I also noticed that she began to somewhat become distant with me after this point. Easily able to lash out at me, etc. But, for the most part we moved forward alright. Roughly two months later, the distance grew and I noticed that her activity on Facebook (jeez is that thing the devil) was becoming very active, and the comment counts did not add up to what I was seeing, indicating that the friend was indeed commenting on everything she posted. I never snooped, or looked through her phone, I just asked point blank if they were carrying on conversations outside of FB. She said they were not, but I knew right then based on body language she was lying. Still, I did not react. For two more weeks the distance was greater and I finally reached the point to where I felt she was just not "in it" anymore, and I ended the relationship. This crushed her, and I myself felt absolutely horrible. I went NC for a two week period, and really reassessed what I had done. I was in love, and I wanted her back. I had made a huge mistake. I opened communication back up and professed for 6 solid weeks how much of a mistake I made by offending her regarding this friend, and that I would never hurt her again. She was extremely gun shy (obviously and understandably) but we began to rebuild. Things improved but something still did not add up... We spent the Holidays together and had a wonderful time, but I just could not swallow the feelings I had about this guy. So, wanting to put it to bed, I put forth a heart to heart with her regarding him. She told me that she met him out of town, in 2012 (she was single) and they had "made out" and he had shown her a good time. I asked about sex, and she denied it 100% saying he was not her type. I believed her... for about 12 hours. The next morning, I have no idea why, but I just had to kill this feeling within me regarding him. So, using a friends Facebook account we went on her page and was able to see a public picture she had posted with one of his comments. His comment alluded to her needing to go back to a club downtown. Huge red flags were raised as this individual lives out of state, and this particular club only opened 4 months ago. How would he know of this club? Grabbing the red flag, I went to the clubs Facebook page and there is was in the photos section; a picture of him dated 4 months ago. Knowing exactly what I had to do next, I logged back into my FB account scrolled down to the date of the photo, and her friend had tagged herself and my girlfriend at that bar. He was tagged as well, but since I was blocked, I could not see the tag of him. I then looked at my phone text history, and sure enough, she wanted a girls night out. I was crushed. I then held back, and decided that I would not go bananas, but would give her a chance to fess up. I quickly sent her a text asking when the last time that friend was up to visit her. Her reply was, back in 2012. I then sent her the picture and a text with a sad face that stated "Month/Date This Year". She immediately replied that it was me who she loved and that she got the date wrong. I told her I just need some time to process... Hours later I got the full story. They were a couple, and that my original question on relations way back when we began dating was a lie. Again I told her I need time to process. I then let the news soak in, and told her that she either is completely honest with me about everything, or I don't want to hear from her again. She mentioned a lunch date with a previous ex, and a date she accepted after I had dumped her the first time and that she felt like total crap for lying to me and decided to fly out of town for the weekend to see a girlfriend. I thanked her for the honesty and once again started processing. Over the next day or so, I decided that what we had was just too good and I would forgive her. I let her know this. I asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and her answer was yes. Like a light switch, she became distant to me. Delayed response to text messages, and not answering calls. Finally, I had had enough. I simply sent a text message stating I had to let her go. Her response was a short, I understand and I'm so very sorry. I asked her to leave my stuff on her porch and explained my displeasure in her lack of interest in any effort to repair what she had done. Mind you, this was all done through text. I never got a reply... I stopped by her place to exchange stuff and she had left me a letter explaining how heart broken she is for causing me pain, and now maybe I would understand why she thought she was never good enough for me. She signed it with I love you, always. I simply sent her a text stating, Thank you for the letter, I don't believe a word of it, don't ever contact me again. I have not heard a word. Did I over react here, folks? I just can't get past the lying. I love her so much though....
H245 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I can't give a solid answer on if you over reacted or not because I am going through a similar situation. I can relate to what you are going through though. So know that you are not alone. I can tell you that if she lied to you numerous times, the trust is broken and is hard to rebuild unless she starts moving mountains for you. My ex gf was caught in a highly inappropriate FB convo a week ago and I immediately ended it that night after I saw it. I've been crushed ever since because I felt like I over reacted as well. And I still love her very much as well and told her that today when we texted back and forth regarding returning stuff to each other. No one ever said being the dumper is easy
Bigcitydreamer Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It's very hard to walk away from someone you still love. If I were in that situation I would have felt the same as you did and I'm sure most people would also agree. Randomly lying is not a good thing. It shows that you can't really trust them and causes you to be suspicious and that's not fair. You just miss her now, but seriously don't waste your time on someone you know is not right for you. Listen to your gut when it tells you this situation is not ok. Once you start allowing stuff like this the lies get worse. No matter what you can't make the other person keep their respect for you once you allow them to treat you poorly. I highly suspect the lies would have gotten worse and she might have eventually cheated on you and left you for that person. Walking away from her is protecting yourself. There will be other girls who will not repeatedly lie to you about stuff like this.
fixing Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 No you did not overreact. She is a cheater, plain and simple m8. Sounds like she never stopped seeing this guy. Sorry for your pain, i know exactly how you feel, trust me. Im so glad you went with your gut instincts the entire time, because they are NEVER wrong when it comes to cheating. You did the right thing in dumping her ass. Now, you need to block her and any other loose associates and begin no contact. She has no class, no moral compass, no value in relationships. Your not even that old like you say in your post. You will be hit by that thunder bolt again, and the next one please god, will be a proper woman, a woman of substance. At least you found this is out right now! As opposed to after marriage, kids, house etc.
Apparition Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 This relationship seems like a one sided effort. I, myself, would not tolerate lying as it's unnecessary and you should always be honest when entering a new relationship so that there are no skeletons in the closet. However, she lied about dating this guy, a guy from her past. And why? I can see no reasonable explanation for lying about something so minor, and not to mention lying about the last time you had seen him. You forgot? I don't think so. I think there is more to this than meets the eye. She clearly feels guilty for lying, and perhaps something bigger. Still having feelings for this guy? I'm not sure, but I don't buy it. Here's another thing, she has screwed things up by lying to you, and you give her another opportunity to rebuild things, but doing it correctly this time. Instead, she takes a back-seat and let's you take the steering wheel, why isn't she in the passenger seat, sitting next to you to help you with the directions? Sorry, dude, but this girl just doesn't seem to really give a damn from where I am sitting. I would go NC, like you did before, but this time you should probably let her come to you and when/if she actually shows like she wants you, and she's fighting for you, then perhaps you two could fix things. Good luck.
CaliBabe Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Lying is lying. If it happend in the past obiously you would not hold it against her, she was not involved with you at the time. So the fact that she lied about it raises huge red flags. You won't be able to trust her again. Seriously cut your losses now before you get really hurt down the line.
Author frigginlost Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 Wow. Just wow... Now, it would seem the truth is bubbling up. I am absolutely devastated -- The flight to the "friend" out of town for feeling so bad in lying to me, was actually a flight to spend the weekend with her "friend". 5 hours after I sent her the picture to confirm the lie, she purchased a ticket to be with him. 12 hours after I sent her the picture, she told me just how horrible she felt and wanted to be with me and I am the one she loves. 48 hours after I sent the picture, she became cold and distant, not replying to my texts for hours and ignoring my one call to her after telling her we would be fine and I would work through it with her. 60 hours after I sent the picture, after not hearing from her after telling her to have a great trip and that I loved her, I sent the "I have to let you go" text and getting in return a "I understand, I am so sorry" text. 72 hours after I sent the picture, I was picking up my stuff on her porch after not hearing a word from her. 80 hours after I sent that damn picture, she was in bed with him and I was a thing of the past. Ouch. Why do I miss her... I never thought someone could be so evil...
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