Husband won't put me on title of our home

[ElinK]

I think on the money part is not about being selfish its about being a partner with someone.

Clay

 

 

You get it Clay. It's about a partnership, trust and sharing. If he were to lose everything, I'd still be here for him! If he tells me he doesn't trust me, it is a game changer.

[Mascara]

With regard to the will, check the legal situation where you live - in many jurisdictions, a marriage automatically revokes a will. So if he hasn't made a new one, he would actually die intestate (which as his spouse means that you will be first beneficiary up to a certain amount)

[nittygritty]

Given our situation (in the thread) and my commitment to marriage, I would in a heartbeat put my husband on the title if this situation was reversed.

 

BTW: my credit score is (and was when we married) 860. You keep referring to my debt...

 

I have read the whole thread. Have you asked him to refinance the loan so that you could be on the mortgage? It doesn't make any sense for you to be on the title without being on the mortgage too. Do you have enough money saved to equally pay him for your share of a down payment for the house?

 

More than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate is even higher for second marriages. That doesn't mean that your marriage will end in divorce but it is better to be safe than sorry.

 

When you graduate from school and can financially contribute to the household by not working for his business maybe the two of you could buy another house together and he could sell the current house?

[Clay]

You get it Clay. It's about a partnership, trust and sharing. If he were to lose everything, I'd still be here for him! If he tells me he doesn't trust me, it is a game changer.

 

I know its going to be hard but your going to have to deal with this sooner than later. If you wait your just going to build resentment towards him and this will just cause all kinds of other problems in your marriage.

 

Clay

[ElinK]

We are ready to sell the house we live in to move in to another home he owns. The house is undergoing a whole remod. I asked to buy something together, some place different and ours we build together. He's emotionally attached to this house and didn't want to buy another.

[sandylee1]

I know its going to be hard but your going to have to deal with this sooner than later. If you wait your just going to build resentment towards him and this will just cause all kinds of other problems in your marriage.

 

Clay

 

^^^^

 

Well said Clay. The resentment will just build and build, till you detach.

 

I don't imagine the prenup had him waiving all his rights as a spouse did it?

 

Waiving all rights as a spouse includes marital assets which should be joint.

 

Because for argument sake......if you won or inherited a small fortune .....it looks like he'd be entiltled to half in the event of a divorce or am I wrong?

 

A much fairer pre nup would be. ' We both leave the marriage with what we came with and split marital assets'.

 

Surely people can see the OPs prenup is unfair . Like I said, I can't see any judge going with that because it only favours him.

[ElinK]

H did relinquish his spousal rights as well. We waived our rights to community property. AND property bought during our marriage that is purchased with "premarital money" is considered separate property.

[Clay]

I just have to ask the question. Why did you get married with him knowing all this? How can you expect to share the good times with that bad times when everyone is drawing a line in the sand saying this is mine.

 

 

It just does not sound like this is going to be all that healthy of a relationship if you both have different ideas of what it is supposed to be like.

 

Clay

[CarrieT]

H did relinquish his spousal rights as well. We waived our rights to community property. AND property bought during our marriage that is purchased with "premarital money" is considered separate property.

 

So it sounds like you have been duped. He bought the house with the verbal promise to put you on the lease without any intention of really doing so because he knew this pre-nup gave him the property.

 

Elin, since you started this thread, what steps have you taken towards its resolution? Have you spoken anymore to your husband or to an attorney, or are you just gating info?

[ElinK]

So it sounds like you have been duped. He bought the house with the verbal promise to put you on the lease without any intention of really doing so because he knew this pre-nup gave him the property.

 

Elin, since you started this thread, what steps have you taken towards its resolution? Have you spoken anymore to your husband or to an attorney, or are you just gating info?

 

 

He did promise to make me joint tenant on the house after we got married. It was 2 weeks before we married I signed the prenup. He said he didn't want to get married if I didn't. I loved him and didn't want to not be married. The stupid things we do sometimes! Well, what I did... Given 5 years and what I know now (and even understanding the verbiage in the prenup, I would have never signed it)! I did not have good representation when I had an attorney look at it. All he said is that it looked fine.

 

And since I've started this threat about a week ago, I have been doing a lot of research on wills, prenups, spousal rights in my state, joint tenancy (common and survivorship), community property and trusts. I wish I was smart enough to have done this before we got married (and I was a little busy with last minute details of a large wedding, kids, work, school, blah blah)!!!

 

I researched attorneys yesterday. I will consult with an attorney just to know what my rights are. Not that I am looking for a D, but just to know, to educate myself! From there, I can be smart about how I move forward and how I will handle my financials when I begin work.

 

I have consulted with another last week on updating my resume and hope to have it done later this week to get it out there and begin networking for work! Yeah!

[ElinK]

And there will always be a little bit of bad feelings knowing about that there is an unfair prenup in the safe that overrides fair spousal laws. I can learn to live with it and move forward trying to protect myself in case of a D or leave. I love him and don't want to leave.

 

Again, I am mostly looking for validation of my feelings. And I welcome any comments! I appreciate it!

[Clay]

I just don't see this working out all that well for you in the long run.

 

Well I would talk to him and prepare yourself for that its his house. With that being said as long as you stay with him I would go find work in a different place. Start saving your own money and that way if things do fall apart later you have something to fall back on.

 

Clay

[SoleMate]

It seems some of our advice got sidetracked by the question of "Should OP be on the title to the house or not?" That is not the fundamental question (but I will answer it below). The fundamental question is, is this marriage fair to OP? She is in the best position to know what she contributes, including all that unpaid work for her H's business, vs. what she receives, both now, and in the long term when one or both is disabled or dies (and her estate will be disbursed). This marriage has written terms, written by one party and presented to the other party on a take it or leave it basis. OP, please make sure you have a thorough consultation with a competent lawyer and go in with goals to make sure you are protected in a marriage that is fair both ways.

 

PS: Re the house....normally, I would suggest that premarital property should stay premarital, but that increased value due to community efforts should be shared. However, in this case, the H promised that she would be made a joint owner of the house. Probably not the wisest, but he did make that promise and that changes the calculation. It's not fair to unilaterally renege on a promise.

[sandylee1]

And there will always be a little bit of bad feelings knowing about that there is an unfair prenup in the safe that overrides fair spousal laws. I can learn to live with it and move forward trying to protect myself in case of a D or leave. I love him and don't want to leave.

 

Again, I am mostly looking for validation of my feelings. And I welcome any comments! I appreciate it!

 

Your feelings are very valid. I absolutely understand how this situation would make you feel.

 

Love certainly didn't take over his feelings when getting married did it. It's as though someone gave him advice late in the day about it .

 

Is your H generous with treating you, gifts, with your kids? Do you have access to money from the business or not ?

[rester]

My main reason for starting this post was to find if others would agree with how I was feeling or if I was being unreasonable in my feelings about my husband not including my on the title of our home.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

 

Actually I waive my all my spousal rights, period. Death and Divorce both.

 

AND

 

I just found out yesterday that my husband has not changed his will since we married 5 years ago. This means that all his assets as left to his siblings, nieces and nephews still. I was disappointed that he hasn't changed it since and it just added salt to the wound. It is his deal and I didn't say anything to him. What could I say?

 

This is yet another reason to speak to an attorney. I hate to be a downer, but healthy people drop dead all the time. I've had many friends pass away due to accidents in the last ten years...half of them in their 20s and all of them younger than 40. Even if you are not prepared for a divorce, it is a good idea to understand what would happen in the event of your husband passing away.

 

I researched attorneys yesterday. I will consult with an attorney just to know what my rights are. Not that I am looking for a D, but just to know, to educate myself! From there, I can be smart about how I move forward and how I will handle my financials when I begin work.

 

I have consulted with another last week on updating my resume and hope to have it done later this week to get it out there and begin networking for work! Yeah!

 

Great to hear this. Since you're not looking for a divorce, you can at least be prepared in the case of an untimely death.

Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amaysngrace]

He sounds very controlling. If I were you I'd put all your money except for maybe 15% into your account. I'd also open a PO Box and start using that address for all of your financial matters. Never let him see a pay stub either.

 

Fight fire with fire.

 

But get him to put you on the deed before you start pissing him off.

[rester]

Since you're not looking for a divorce, you can at least be prepared in the case of an untimely death.

 

I'll add this...it would be a good idea to find out what would happen not only in the case of divorce or death, but what would happen if your husband became unable to work any longer. I understand you are going to be working soon and making your own money, but let's just say that next week something happens and he is unable to work...where does that put you and your money?

[d0nnivain]

And there will always be a little bit of bad feelings knowing about that there is an unfair prenup in the safe that overrides fair spousal laws. I can learn to live with it and move forward trying to protect myself in case of a D or leave. I love him and don't want to leave.

 

Again, I am mostly looking for validation of my feelings. And I welcome any comments! I appreciate it!

 

 

Pre-nups diminish in validity over time. In many states the longer you are married the less likely the court will enforce the pre-nup especially if it's unfair. 15-20 years down the road after you spent your entire marriage living in the house & paying the mortgage with marital assists the fact that it was purchased shortly before the marriage with the intent that it be the marital home, the fact that you were never added to the title will have less of a controlling impact then if you had divorced within the 1st 3 years.

 

Yes it was rotten of him to not add you but hopefully you can work through things. Your feelings are very valid & you two do need to work out the fact that after all this time his refusal to add you looks like he doesn't trust you and still has one foot poised to walk out the door.

 

To me it's kind of ironic. I owned my house for 6 years before I ever met DH. Our pre-nup sets the base price of the house -- valuation as of the month we married & says I get that amount no matter what but we will split any capital gains. He's nowhere on the documents, not the deed, not the mortgage, bank won't even talk to him. When I inherited another house I offered to put his name on one of the houses. DH said no he didn't need to be added. I was fine not having to pay my state extra filing fees just to prove a point / make a nice gesture. I think he was happy I offered.

Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Art_Critic]

if the will was made before the marriage and doesn't specifically make mention or consider the up and coming marriage to you then getting married.. depending on your state laws can invalidate the will.

 

You might want to check that if the will was made before the marriage.

[Art_Critic]

Also.. there is only one state (googled it) that allows a spouse to disinherit the other, so you have rights even if he didn't include you in the will.. unless you live in that one state..

[Auspecial]

Actually I waive my all my spousal rights, period. Death and Divorce both.

 

AND

 

I just found out yesterday that my husband has not changed his will since we married 5 years ago. This means that all his assets as left to his siblings, nieces and nephews still. I was disappointed that he hasn't changed it since and it just added salt to the wound. It is his deal and I didn't say anything to him. What could I say?

 

I respect you for all you have done in good faith with this man. You have given the benefit of the doubt in order to try to contribute to a healthy and satisfying, mutual relationship. I don't get what some others are saying, it seems a few of them just attack females on general purpose without reading everything. That is very, very sad indeed.

 

What can you say? It looks like to me you have already confronted him clearly. You have already gotten all of your preparation-facts. At this point all you can do is confront him *like a hurricane* and tell him you are prepared (if you are!) to walk away if he is incapable of respecting you. Respect you, respect your needs, respect your ambitions, respect your desires, respect everything you have done and respect all you have sacrificed for him. And be prepared to leave him if he cannot respect you enough to *truthfully* re-consider.

 

You can survive without him, you already have and you can again, IF he is incapable of coming to the plate.

Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Babs22]

H did relinquish his spousal rights as well. We waived our rights to community property. AND property bought during our marriage that is purchased with "premarital money" is considered separate property.

 

So it looks like you both signed a prenup that relinquished spousal rights and you said this was both in case of divorce or death? I can understand you both wanting to keep what was yours before the marriage separate in case of a divorce. I am not sure why it was written to include that those things would be kept separate if one of you died. Regardless, it does not sound like he wrote one set of rules for you and a different set of rules for him. You both relinquished spousal rights.

 

I am glad you found out that he has not updated his will. Perhaps you could tell him that you would like to update your wills together, as a married couple using the same attorney.

 

I think it is a good idea to speak to a lawyer about what the laws are in your state regarding what happens if one of you should die without new wills. Also to find out what your rights are involving the prenup. How tight is that, does it become less legit over time?

 

As far as putting your name on the house. You just said something about you are selling the house you are living in and then moving back into another house he owns that has been renovated. Which house was he supposed to put your name on, the one you are selling or the one you are moving into after major renovations?

 

In regards to your feeling hurt about not having your name on the title because he said he would change it, I suppose you are justified for your feelings. He said he would do something and he hasn't. I suppose if he had never said it, you either wouldn't be thinking about it, or you would think about it but think he paid for the bulk of it, so it is his? I don't know. I know I lived with my husband for 5 years while I went to college. I paid my way through school, but I never paid rent. This saved me a lot of money. A year before we got married, he bought a house. The next year we got married. I never thought about the fact that I wasn't on the title of the house. He bought the house with his money. I didn't put any thing towards it. But he never promised to put me on the title/deed to the house either, so I wasn't planning on it. Btw, my husband was 8 years older than me and about 37 years old when I married him. He had earned a lot before I came along. I guess I felt that what he earned prior was his. Maybe I was naive or just lucky that nothing happened. We did however write wills as soon as we had kids leaving everything to each other, and planning for what happened in case we both died at the same time. None of it ever mattered. 20 years later we are still married, we haven't divorced yet, we never died (thank goodness). I guess what I am saying is, you say you love him, it seems as though he loves you. He remodeled a house for you both to live in with your kids. It all seems like a good thing, I would hate to ruin a good thing because of something that in the end, might be a non-issue. It is only an issue if you guys decide to get a divorce. If you keep being resentful, that might happen.

[Babs22]

I respect you for all you have done in good faith with this man. You have given the benefit of the doubt in order to try to contribute to a healthy and satisfying, mutual relationship. I don't get what some others are saying, it seems a few of them just attack females on general purpose without reading everything. That is very, very sad indeed.

 

What can you say? It looks like to me you have already confronted him clearly. You have already gotten all of your preparation-facts. At this point all you can do is confront him *like a hurricane* and tell him you are prepared (if you are!) to walk away if he is incapable of respecting you. Respect you, respect your needs, respect your ambitions, respect your desires, respect everything you have done and respect all you have sacrificed for him. And be prepared to leave him if he cannot respect you enough to *truthfully* re-consider.

 

You can survive without him, you already have and you can again, IF he is incapable of coming to the plate.

 

Seriously?!!!! I don't get this suggestion at all? She loves him, he doesn't treat her like dirt. He treats her well. You would blow up an entire relationship, an entire family unit (her kids must think of him as family now), over this???? This is probably exactly why the man wanted a prenup. He fears this exact scenario, do this, or else? Has she lost anything by being in this relationship? Has he taken anything from her that she cannot get back. Does he owe her money?? NO!! This relationship has benefited both of them. I truly hope the OP does not take this advice. It is BAD ADVICE! Talk to your husband. Don't tell him to put your name on the deed or else. Don't even ask him to put your name on the deed. Tell him that because he hasn't done that one thing, that your feelings are hurt, tell him you feel like he doesn't trust you, tell him you don't feel like an equal. Tell him everything you said to us. But don't give your H an ultimatum. That makes you seem like all you care about is the deed and money. That is not why you married him. You married him because you loved him. You just need to communicate that your feelings are hurt. Tell him that if you could understand the reason why he didn't follow through on the process you might be able to understand, but that right now, you don't. You have a good thing with this man, don't blow it over this.

Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ElinK]

 

When I inherited another house I offered to put his name on one of the houses. DH said no he didn't need to be added. I was fine not having to pay my state extra filing fees just to prove a point / make a nice gesture. I think he was happy I offered.

 

 

 

Absolutely, that's the difference, your husband felt like you considered him and you TRUST him. That's all it took and he was satisfied, it wasn't about the money.

[Auspecial]

 

Seriously?!!!! I don't get this suggestion at all? She loves him, he doesn't treat her like dirt. He treats her well. You would blow up an entire relationship, an entire family unit (her kids must think of him as family now), over this???? This is probably exactly why the man wanted a prenup. He fears this exact scenario, do this, or else? Has she lost anything by being in this relationship? Has he taken anything from her that she cannot get back. Does he owe her money?? NO!! This relationship has benefited both of them. I truly hope the OP does not take this advice. It is BAD ADVICE! Talk to your husband. Don't tell him to put your name on the deed or else. Don't even ask him to put your name on the deed. Tell him that because he hasn't done that one thing, that your feelings are hurt, tell him you feel like he doesn't trust you, tell him you don't feel like an equal. Tell him everything you said to us. But don't give your H an ultimatum. That makes you seem like all you care about is the deed and money. That is not why you married him. You married him because you loved him. You just need to communicate that your feelings are hurt. Tell him that if you could understand the reason why he didn't follow through on the process you might be able to understand, but that right now, you don't. You have a good thing with this man, don't blow it over this.

 

I don't get why you are over-reacting so much to my suggestion. OP seems a mature, intelligent person, I am sure she is gathering all of these suggestions and will do what is right for herself.

 

My first advice was to keep getting info and to consult with an attorney just so she can see what her legal situation is. She already seemed to know that, and the issue still bothered her, so my suggestion was to be prepared and then let him know in no uncertain terms her position on it. Actually, I didn't suggest an ultimatum. Controlling people don't change very easily, and many times they have to hear something very loudly before they get it. OP may be telling him she feels very hurt, and he hears "I'm sad I didn't get that lolli- pop."

 

I have no idea who is getting/giving more, only OP really knows that. But I don't think it is good at all to have anyone be so controlled that they can't work where they want and instead be forced to be under even more control than they already are. Being controlled like that makes me think that there are other areas with too much control, such as the house and other money matters.