GF chatting with guys..

[barcode88]

I'm sorry but how does she support her current child without a job or any education???

 

Honestly I'd suggest she get an abortion. 23 and already going on 2 kids by 2 different guys...ffs. She is nowhere near ready for one kid, much less TWO.

 

Was she not on birth control??

 

She's not ready to be a good mom and she's not ready to settle down and be a wife. Pointless to continue this. She should abort and get an IUD or something.

 

I don't think abortion is the end all solution, she could still have the baby and put it up for adoption. At any rate that's her choice and the op will have to go along with it. If she keeps it he'll be paying child support for 18 years so that's why I suggested he try make things work before giving up.

[Downtown]

I don't know if I can trust her again.

No, Blackout, you DO KNOW. When a woman is incapable of trusting you, she can turn on you at any time to "get even" with the betrayals and offenses she imagines to be happening. You've already seen this occur when simply leaving town for a weekend with your parents. Hence, when a woman is too insecure to trust YOU, you can never trust HER. I therefore agree with Barcode and MovingOn that, because trust is the foundation on which all relationships must be built, your relationship with her lacked the foundation required to make it lasting.

 

She super insecure and needy.... her family abandoned her.... She says she doesn't trust me either.... She lies to my face with ease... she makes a profile on PoF and talks to other men.

Blackout, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., controlling behavior, hating to be alone, neediness, strong abandonment fear, lack of impulse control, telling lies "with ease," and inability to trust -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your future child will be dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Like learning the warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a professional opinion about the woman raising your child -- and may help you avoid taking her back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Blackout.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

OP, don't be a fool. You can't know if her kid is yours or not, without a DNA test. Can you afford an in uterine (sp) DNA test? If so, would she allow it? She could have easily had sex with multiple partners while you were gone. A polygraph test could help, but a pathological liar can beat them. IMO your best course of action is assume the baby is not yours. Keep NC until after the baby is born & then do whatever it takes to get a DNA test. If the baby is yours, either fight for full custody or be a proper supportive father, without engaging your ex any more than required to support your child. If you choose option #2, she will use this to her advantage & make things rough for you. She will probably have a lot of animosity towards you & may direct that towards your kid. Sociopathic mothers will sometimes do that with their children.

[barcode88]

Woah, theres a lot of assumption that she is a sociopath and mentally deranged going on here.

 

 

Her family abandoned her, and to add insult to injury her last boyfriend cheated on her, that's a lot to process.. Has anyone ever considered that she might just be lonely and hurt?

 

I agree, the trust issues are hard to get past, but before we demonize the OP's baby-mama, let's have some compassion

[No Limit]

Relationships are always fine until the cheaters get caught. Do the DNA test, if now or after the baby is born doesn't matter, but please do it. Unless of course you are fine with being cuckolded and paying child support for the next 2 decades, then it truly doesn't matter.

[Gaeta]

Many of you seem to be under the impression that a young troubled 23 year old should have the emotional maturity and stability of a 45 years old. It's like none of you ever ever did something stupid and regretted it.

 

As for his paternity we need to get off that wagon already. He know this is his child, he will have the test done for the record but he knows it's his.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Many of you seem to be under the impression that a young troubled 23 year old should have the emotional maturity and stability of a 45 years old. It's like none of you ever ever did something stupid and regretted it.

 

As for his paternity we need to get off that wagon already. He know this is his child, he will have the test done for the record but he knows it's his.

 

He doesn't know & can't know the baby is his unless he gets a DNA test to prove it. He believes it is, to protect his ego. Only a fool would trust a girl like that when it comes to paternity. I so wish that DNA testing is required for all newborn babies. That would shut down one of the world's oldest scams, being duped into supporting a baby that's not yours.

[katiegrl]

So he gets her pregnant and then drops her at social services building, nice.

 

HE *gets* HER pregnant? Last I checked, it takes TWO people to make a baby....SHE is every bit as responsible for *getting* pregnant as he is for *getting* her pregnant.

 

The only time a woman is NOT responsible is if she is underage, mentally challenged in some capacity or she was raped. I see no evidence of any of those things here.

 

OP, why was (is) she not on birth control? That's on HER. Why did *you* not use birth control (condom)? That's on YOU.

 

In any event, having her go live with her parents is the right move. Let them finish raising her...NOT your job.

 

Get a DNA test, and *if* the baby is yours, then be prepared to pay child support for a long time.

 

Just because you *love* her, and she became pregnant does NOT obligate you to "stay" with her IMO. She is completely dysfunctional and your relationship sounds toxic. Not a good environment for a baby to be raised in.

 

Hell, she is so immature, she is still a child herself in many ways (emotionally). Like I said, let her mommy and daddy finish raising her... not your job.

 

Hopefully, this will be a lesson learned for both of you.

Edited May 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[veggirl]

Woah, theres a lot of assumption that she is a sociopath and mentally deranged going on here.

 

 

Her family abandoned her, and to add insult to injury her last boyfriend cheated on her, that's a lot to process.. Has anyone ever considered that she might just be lonely and hurt?

 

I agree, the trust issues are hard to get past, but before we demonize the OP's baby-mama, let's have some compassion

 

Right. She's a hot fking mess which is why she should STOP bringing children into this world. My pity lies with the kids being born to an immature, emotionally unstable woman who doesn't even have the means to financially support them. They are being born with the odds stacked against them. Sorry but that is on her, no matter how lonely or hurt she is.

[blackout02]

Right. She's a hot fking mess which is why she should STOP bringing children into this world. My pity lies with the kids being born to an immature, emotionally unstable woman who doesn't even have the means to financially support them. They are being born with the odds stacked against them. Sorry but that is on her, no matter how lonely or hurt she is.

 

 

Well her first child, she was engaged and the man ended up cheating on her while she was pregnant. And he got the other girl pregnant. Big mess. I know.

 

Second, my child will be fine. One functional home is better than none. I can raise the kid alone if I have too. And yes I'll get a DNA test, just incase.

 

Thanks everyone! Now I just need time to think and see what happens.

[blackout02]

Just wanted to post an update to everything that happened. From the last time I posted. May 29th.

 

For the baby's sake I decided to give her a second chance. Everything was good for the most part. But 21 weeks into the pregnancy, she lost the baby. We were both devastated. It was rough.

 

3 weeks after the losing the baby. Yesterday. I broke up with her. I feel terrible for it, cause I did love her. And I know she's struggling with the loss of the baby. But I just couldn't trust her 100% after this PoF incident. (Reason I created this thread originally). And she didn't want to work, get her GED, drivers license, nothing.

 

It was hard letting her go since we went through so much together. But like everyone here said, she needs to mature. And it was a toxic relationship I think.

 

 

I like when people update their posts, so I'm doing the same.

[wb1988]

Nobody sets up a profile on POF just for friends, that's also why she lied in the first place. Also no guy chats with a girl on POF just for friends (girls deep down know this as well), if you think otherwise then you deserve to get cheated on for being so stupid.

 

You keep bringing up the pregnancy, and she knows this herself, yet she did what she did. Imagine what things will be like further down the line, and also there's a good chance that this girl isn't able to 'wait' for a guy that's away so bear that in mind. However, every now and then people do small stupid things but as long as she didn't actually meet up with anyone then I don't think it's enough to break up yet but definitely keep your trust with her on a tight rope.

[highseas]

I do feel some sympathy for her, if what you're saying about her background, being cheated on and abandoned by her family, is correct.

 

But it's not a healthy relationship since she doesn't contribute anything to the household. I commend you for giving her a second chance for the baby's sake, and for not break up with her right away (waiting 3 weeks). She has a lot of issues to deal with. The fact that she showed you her messages of POF shows that maybe she didn't do something outrageously wrong (just yet), but the trust was eroded.

 

It's tragic for all parties involved. Whatever happened, she is still someone who was once your baby's mother. I wouldn't want someone like that as my wife or mother of my children, but I might still look out for her a little bit from a distance for old time's sake, until she finds someone.

 

Well, I'd say she lost out on you.

[nouedis]

Do you trust her?

[Anderlie]

Aw man I'm sorry OP, that must have been rough on you both. I do think breaking up is the right decision though, none of what she did adds up to you guys being a success, y'know? Like you left for a hot second and she was on a dating site trying to make 'friends' (I notice none of the potential 'friends' were her own gender) and lied about it pretty heavily. Even if she genuinely wasn't trolling POF for a hookup RIGHT THEN she was clearly seeking some kind of validation from those guys and someone that insecure and needy is eventually going to go further and further for it. One persistent guy hitting all her vulnerabilities while you're at work one day = her cheating.

 

Despite how grim I'm being I'm not trying to demonize the poor girl, just point out that without proper help she's not ready to be in the relationship either of you deserve. Let her go and hopefully sort out her life, get a job and some education and she may come out the other side so busy and fulfilled she won't be that person anymore. The important thing is she has to do it, it's not your job to fix her.