I'm scared that I'm reading into this incorrectly, am I?

[Jimmyjackson]

Corey Wayne has far more results then all the men in this damn forum put together

 

He's had 10 years in the real world, whilst you've been on hear giving "perfect" advice ...

 

Anybody can go on YouTube and repeat themselves over and over...

[elaine567]

Having been the dumper on a few occasions, I was wooed by dumpees desperate to come back.

But I had not made the decision lightly to split, I had thought long and hard and was gutted and very upset actually, but I had made my decision and although I was happy to be friends, go for drinks/meals etc. (the splits were amicable), in no way did I want them back. My mind was made up, as I knew the relationship was never going to work.

I think, that while I am not ALL dumpers obviously, it is foolish to suggest that dumpees should get their hopes up, by saying that a little wooing is all it needs to get their ex back.

I think it may all lead to more heart ache, as some dumpers will take the "wooing", the attention, and the sex - thank you very much - but still remain adamant they do not want to continue the relationship.

[OldRover]

Having been the dumper on a few occasions, I was wooed by dumpees desperate to come back.

But I had not made the decision lightly to split, I had thought long and hard and was gutted and very upset actually, but I had made my decision and although I was happy to be friends, go for drinks/meals etc. (the splits were amicable), in no way did I want them back. My mind was made up, as I knew the relationship was never going to work.

I think, that while I am not ALL dumpers obviously, it is foolish to suggest that dumpees should get their hopes up, by saying that a little wooing is all it needs to get their ex back.

I think it may all lead to more heart ache, as some dumpers will take the "wooing", the attention, and the sex - thank you very much - but still remain adamant they do not want to continue the relationship.

 

Elaine,

 

Like you, I've given dumping someone a LOT of thought, and ofter advise from others, counselors, etc. However, in two cases that I thought clearly for sure there was absolutely no way we would be back together, we did get back together. Never know.

[Ruby65]

I think it may all lead to more heart ache, as some dumpers will take the "wooing", the attention, and the sex - thank you very much - but still remain adamant they do not want to continue the relationship.

 

Agreed! I'm sure most dumpers would much prefer to keep their exes around until they've found someone else.

 

It's doing recent dumpees a grave disservice to sell them on the concept that *playing it right* will lead to reconciliation.

[Geoffh]

I've just found out she is engaged to be married with a friend of mine. We broke up 2 months ago...

[Mrlonelyone]

I've just found out she is engaged to be married with a friend of mine. We broke up 2 months ago...

 

Well when you know you just know. Clearly they are destined to be together and have 20 babies and live married until they are 95 and die old and in their sleep. (The best possible end to a relationship.)

 

/sarcasm.

 

I know the above is not true. More than likely this young woman has made a rather immature decision to get engaged so soon. A marriage resulting from that kind of an impulsive decision will be a living hell. You dodged a bullet.

 

Do yourself a favor and think of her living married with that guy happily, be happy for her and him and move on to find someone who can help you build that kind of a life for yourself.

 

Generally I say go for it but engagement and marriage need to be respected in ways that other relationship aren't or else they loose all meaning.

[SolidGoldTurd]

I've just found out she is engaged to be married with a friend of mine. We broke up 2 months ago...

 

 

 

Puah well there's a girl who jumps ship! (inb4 I get accused of sexism again )

 

2 months is SUCH a short time ... makes me feel as if she knew the guy months beforehand and may have been at the very least emotionally cheating on you.

 

No one moves on to another relationship, let alone an engagement, 2 months later. Of course unless the initial relationship meant nothing.

 

 

This is a woman I'd steer clear of.

[Geoffh]

She met the guy online straight after we seperated.....All a bit weird as she shows nothing other than me on facebook.

 

Yes it is seriously time to move on. A very confused young lady

[OldRover]

Puah well there's a girl who jumps ship! (inb4 I get accused of sexism again )

 

2 months is SUCH a short time ... makes me feel as if she knew the guy months beforehand and may have been at the very least emotionally cheating on you.

 

No one moves on to another relationship, let alone an engagement, 2 months later. Of course unless the initial relationship meant nothing.

 

 

This is a woman I'd steer clear of.

 

Solid,

 

Agreed with you.... this SCREAMS of them knowing each other for a long time before the engagement. Virtually no one is so stupid to get engaged only knowing their mate for 2 months. I'd bet they were together way prior.

 

Heck, took me FIVE years to get engaged, and was still very cautious.

[OldRover]

She met the guy online straight after we seperated.....All a bit weird as she shows nothing other than me on facebook.

 

Yes it is seriously time to move on. A very confused young lady

 

Geoffh....

 

Agree, there's clearly more to the story. And sure sounds like time to move on. Best to you... keep us posted.

[Geoffh]

Due to the circumstances of were she lives. It's impossible for her to be involved when she was with me......

[Mrlonelyone]

Due to the circumstances of were she lives. It's impossible for her to be involved when she was with me......

 

You must understand most of us come from an Urban US/UK or other similarly urban areas. Where we live when someone did what your ex is doing it would mean she was involved with him on some level (even if not romatically.)

 

I could see people who were friends or who worked together and knew eachother a bit being able to get romantic and take the plunge after only a little dating without it being really crazy or really immature and unwise.

 

I see you live in New Zeeland. If your Ex lives in an area of NZ which is relatively remote, and he's from another remotely separated part of NZ then you have a point.

 

For all we know you could be a Maori man in one remote village writing about a Maori woman in another remove village who got engaged to someone in another village on another island.

 

Never the less she says she's engaged to him then let her be engaged to him.

 

As for social media, it means nothing. Her keeping your pics on FB and the life event of you two in a relationship is still visible to the public could just mean that she hasn't scrolled way down to change it. That life event could be way way down the page in her view of her profile.

 

Some people don't like to delete exes because that ex was a part of their life and they want to rememeber them. It is like the women who have love letters from an ex boyfriend or two in their shoebox while they are married with children to another man. They like to remember the old times but they love their husband.

 

The only way you get her back from this is by going NC and acting as if she will never come back. Move on as if she was dead. The way these things go as soon as you are about to get married to someone who won't do crazy things and who will appreciate you...that's when she'll come back.

[OldRover]

You must understand most of us come from an Urban US/UK or other similarly urban areas. Where we live when someone did what your ex is doing it would mean she was involved with him on some level (even if not romatically.)

 

I could see people who were friends or who worked together and knew eachother a bit being able to get romantic and take the plunge after only a little dating without it being really crazy or really immature and unwise.

 

I see you live in New Zeeland. If your Ex lives in an area of NZ which is relatively remote, and he's from another remotely separated part of NZ then you have a point.

 

For all we know you could be a Maori man in one remote village writing about a Maori woman in another remove village who got engaged to someone in another village on another island.

 

Never the less she says she's engaged to him then let her be engaged to him.

 

As for social media, it means nothing. Her keeping your pics on FB and the life event of you two in a relationship is still visible to the public could just mean that she hasn't scrolled way down to change it. That life event could be way way down the page in her view of her profile.

 

Some people don't like to delete exes because that ex was a part of their life and they want to rememeber them. It is like the women who have love letters from an ex boyfriend or two in their shoebox while they are married with children to another man. They like to remember the old times but they love their husband.

 

The only way you get her back from this is by going NC and acting as if she will never come back. Move on as if she was dead. The way these things go as soon as you are about to get married to someone who won't do crazy things and who will appreciate you...that's when she'll come back.

 

And you CAN get her back, there's ton's of good info on how to do that. I've successfully done it twice, and one totally shut me out, and had a new boyfriend.

[Simon Phoenix]

And you CAN get her back, there's ton's of good info on how to do that. I've successfully done it twice, and one totally shut me out, and had a new boyfriend.

 

You were the dumper though. It's not the same thing. You got a person back that you rejected. That's a completely different ballgame.

[Mrlonelyone]

You were the dumper though. It's not the same thing. You got a person back that you rejected. That's a completely different ballgame.

 

In one or two of OldRovers cases he's said that he was the one dumped.

 

That said

 

I think that many here put WAY too much emphasis on the dumper dumpee distinction. Sometimes the difference between the dumper and dumpee is the dumper was the one to pull the trigger first but both were checking out emotionally.

 

Lots of dumpers will act out impulsively pull that trigger, but are too stubborn or proud to ever admit they screwed up.

 

Lots of dumpers will be completely certain about ending it, truly regret it, but need to see some sign that their advances are welcome from the dumpee.

 

Real life situations aren't as black and white as dumper and dumpee.

[Simon Phoenix]

In one or two of OldRovers cases he's said that he was the one dumped.

 

That said

 

I think that many here put WAY too much emphasis on the dumper dumpee distinction. Sometimes the difference between the dumper and dumpee is the dumper was the one to pull the trigger first but both were checking out emotionally.

 

Lots of dumpers will act out impulsively pull that trigger, but are too stubborn or proud to ever admit they screwed up.

 

Lots of dumpers will be completely certain about ending it, truly regret it, but need to see some sign that their advances are welcome from the dumpee.

 

Real life situations aren't as black and white as dumper and dumpee.

 

He said he was the dumper on both. And I'll just agree to disagree with you on the dumper/dumpee thing. Unless it's a forced dumping due to cheating or other sort of betrayal that forced the dumper to leave, there is a very real delineation between dumper and dumpee.

 

As for the dumper needing assurances from the dumpee, that's a load of crap in most situations too. You break, you fix. You don't get the benefit of dumping someone and then having them hold your hand while you decide what to do. That's pure garbage. If you want the dumpee back as they are, then you put yourself out there and get them back. If you want the dumpee back under conditions, then it's a waste of everyone's time.

 

Sorry dude, I just don't agree with the handholding of a non-forced dumper. Dumpers aren't bad at all, but they are adults making adult decisions and need to deal with the consequences of their decision and have to be willing to do the majority of the legwork if they want to rescind said decision.

 

I'll just exit stage left here.

Edited June 2, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Geoffh]

I was the dumpee. And it came extremely sudden. If you'd like to know what exactly happened here goes:

 

It was a Saturday and I went to pick her up "She lives in the country with her mum" I cooked her dinner and she wanted to have a girls night out on the town.

 

I was absolutely fine with that and we discussed a reasonable time to get home as every relationship needs boundaries. I was absolutely fine with her getting home at 4.00am ish. She tends to get carried away once shes on the dancefloor.

 

I rung her at 7.00am to see where she was and she said a Hotel Room with a friend. When she got home, I got my apartment security card out of her hand-bag to go and get some breakfast & $1000.00 fell out. At first she made up a BS story but then said a guy gave it to her to take her back the a Hotel room. That night whilst she was out I got two texts from her to say "I love you so much".

 

So in the morning she packed her bags and said "I can't keep doing this to you" and left.

 

Yes - I know what everyone is going to say but I did love her to bits and it hurts. I'd only just got over my wife that texted me to say the marriage is over and ran off with my sister-inlaws good friend. That took me a number of years to get over.

 

So it's happened again, and I need to be double strong and forget her, think she is dead and somehow believe their is someone genuine and I will love again.

 

I'm a darn good catch but I have a bad weakness of spoiling someone to bits.

[OldRover]

You were the dumper though. It's not the same thing. You got a person back that you rejected. That's a completely different ballgame.

 

Simon,

 

Well, it depends. Once, it was just a matter of who said it first.....

 

I've also been the dumped and got back with her. Wasn't expected, but suspected... quite dramatic, but I got her back.

[SolidGoldTurd]

Simon,

 

Well, it depends. Once, it was just a matter of who said it first.....

 

I've also been the dumped and got back with her. Wasn't expected, but suspected... quite dramatic, but I got her back.

 

I'd leave it ... some people really struggle with the idea that some dumpers do come back

[Simon Phoenix]

I'd leave it ... some people really struggle with the idea that some dumpers do come back

 

Dumpers definitely can come back. I'm sure everyone on this board has had it happen at one point. My problem with OldRover is that he seems to be advocating chasing them or using techniques to try to manipulate them into coming back, which in my opinion is counterproductive to the ultimate goal of a long-lasting, permanent, healthy relationship. All of his posts seem to have some of the following.

 

And you CAN get her back, there's ton's of good info on how to do that. I've successfully done it twice, and one totally shut me out, and had a new boyfriend.

 

Just reeks of game-playing and manipulation and I don't think it's prudent for dumpees who are still reeling emotionally to have this mentality. If they are recovered and/or looking for some ex sex and aren't concerned about falling in love again, then the OldRover way could be profitable, but I think it's dangerous advice for most dumpees that come to sites like this. The OldRover way is more likely to result in carnage and pain than result in long-term happiness.

[OldRover]

Dumpers definitely can come back. I'm sure everyone on this board has had it happen at one point. My problem with OldRover is that he seems to be advocating chasing them or using techniques to try to manipulate them into coming back, which in my opinion is counterproductive to the ultimate goal of a long-lasting, permanent, healthy relationship. All of his posts seem to have some of the following.

 

 

 

Just reeks of game-playing and manipulation and I don't think it's prudent for dumpees who are still reeling emotionally to have this mentality. If they are recovered and/or looking for some ex sex and aren't concerned about falling in love again, then the OldRover way could be profitable, but I think it's dangerous advice for most dumpees that come to sites like this. The OldRover way is more likely to result in carnage and pain than result in long-term happiness.

 

Simon,

 

I feel that you have not understood my posts. I've never advocating chasing someone, nor have I advocating going back for ex sex.

 

I have never advocated manipulating them either.

 

The only time I have got an ex back, it really was aimed for a permanent, long term relationship. And they all worked that way, but some didn't last forever, due to other things that couldn't be solved.

 

There ARE ways to get your ex back without begging, manipulating, and aiming for a quick sex fix. There's a ton of good info out there on how to do that. You don't have to chase, but you have to make yourself desirable for a return relationship... and that does take some effort... and sometimes a lot of time. And sometimes it doesn't work.

 

The times I have gotten back with an ex ALL have been wonderful, loving and with the intent of long term. No carnage or pain.

[anotheroneguy]

Old rover, you are a wise experienced man.

 

Even with all my qualities as a man or as a boyfriend, I wish I could know how to feel that it is possible that my ex felt in her guts that it could be me again that she wants. The path would be probably too hard anyway but after a BU my ego is so low.

 

I tried to give everything I could to be the best BF and she still choose the others relationship. I don't see how is it possible that she changed her mind. I am still happy to see that sometimes dunpers,dunpees change their minds and want to be happy again together.

[Yummm]

anotheroneguy - I feel you, I feel exactly the same as you right now, but ultimately we do NOT need and do NOT want somebody who didn't want to fight for us. They made the decision to shut themselves out of our lives despite all the good qualities in us, we deserve better.

[BrokenJourney]

There ARE ways to get your ex back without begging, manipulating, and aiming for a quick sex fix. There's a ton of good info out there on how to do that. You don't have to chase, but you have to make yourself desirable for a return relationship... and that does take some effort... and sometimes a lot of time. And sometimes it doesn't work.

 

The times I have gotten back with an ex ALL have been wonderful, loving and with the intent of long term. No carnage or pain.

 

Have you ever told your story (stories)? I'm always interested in peoples' real life experiences who were successful, and I'd like to hear yours.

 

If you've posted somewhere, direct me - or maybe drop me a line so we don't hijack this thread too much.

[OldRover]

Old rover, you are a wise experienced man.

 

Even with all my qualities as a man or as a boyfriend, I wish I could know how to feel that it is possible that my ex felt in her guts that it could be me again that she wants. The path would be probably too hard anyway but after a BU my ego is so low.

 

I tried to give everything I could to be the best BF and she still choose the others relationship. I don't see how is it possible that she changed her mind. I am still happy to see that sometimes dunpers,dunpees change their minds and want to be happy again together.

 

Anotheroneguy,

 

Thx for the compliment, however, I'm still learning. And, as we know, there are failures. Sometimes things just don't go like we want. We've probably all been there, and it can be very painful.

 

There are ways to mentally fall in love with someone and fall out of love with someone. There's a lot written about that... and it can work. I've used both at times. When I have failed at a relationship, and consider that I was part to blame. (I know, we can always throw blame somewhere... but I always feel that there could have been something that I could have done better). However the reason is often something that you just can't live with.... she has a totally different agenda, lies to you, doesn't trust you, is more interested in someone else, etc., etc. You may think that the relationship is salvageable and can be improved, and it can..... sometimes. Othertimes, it just doesn't work or isn't worth the huge effort for a slim chance.

 

When the relationship is absolutely dead and no future, it's time to fall out of love. One has to train their mind to put things in the past, and not think on them, especially the good times. And if something reminds you of her you need to quickly dismiss it and get onto something else. The more we dwell on her and remember all the good times, and cry over her, the longer and harder it is.

There's also a lot of other things that one can do to get over (out of love) someone... tons written on that. Keep busy, new activities, spend time with good friends, etc., etc.

 

I am in the process of getting over a wonderful relationship right now, but it was probably doomed from the start, and we couldn't solve a major problem. Once it was determined that it was the end, it was prudent to start the healing and "getting out of love" process immediately... like the first day, which I did.

 

I'm in week eight and things are going very well. My set backs and emotions for her are MUCH less and spending the majority of time enjoying life and doing fine. I also have a new lady (old one, infact, that I used to be with for years). My new lady and I have solved the issues we had in the past and I'm putting my effort in her... making her happy (which makes me happy), and working overtime to be sure that I will succeed. Sure, it could fail again, but I'm betting against it. We enjoyed many fine years together, and feel that we can do the same again. One thing about her that is great and that is that we can completely trust each other.... even when we were just friends.

 

One doesn't need to jump into another relationship so quickly, there are risks, especially if it's a brand new relationship. In the beginning, I was skeptical that it would work at all, and wasn't sure until we spend a lot of time going over things and just doing things together to get to know each other and how we've changed. Worked very well, but we still have a long way to go.

 

You will survive, set your mind to it and focus on yourself. Feel good about your self, work on your confidence and aim for good times. Try to keep the set backs minimal and short. Date is you wish.... and you can go slow. Keep busy.

 

Keep us posted on your progress.

Edited June 4, 2015 by OldRover