What if I can't fall in love...

[xxoo]

The second I find myself starting to feel that way, I can feel myself reach down and crush them.

 

What does that look like? Self talk? Avoiding the person?

 

You need to have this conversation with your girlfriend. Maybe opening up, and getting support from her, is what you need to feel safer.

[neowulf]

What does that look like? Self talk? Avoiding the person?

 

You need to have this conversation with your girlfriend. Maybe opening up, and getting support from her, is what you need to feel safer.

 

It's more of a psychological effect.

Its almost like.. emotional amputation? It almost happens without me thinking it.

[Gaeta]

It's more of a psychological effect.

Its almost like.. emotional amputation? It almost happens without me thinking it.

 

hhmm funny how this makes me think of a Matthew verses and I am not even religious: If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away

 

You are amputating what caused you to fall.

 

Have you forgiven yourself for what happen with the work lady?

[neowulf]

hhmm funny how this makes me think of a Matthew verses and I am not even religious: If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away

 

You are amputating what caused you to fall.

 

Have you forgiven yourself for what happen with the work lady?

 

My actions compromised everything I thought I was; Loyal, honest, respectful.

 

I disgraced not only myself, but betrayed my best friend of 6 years. My lover and partner. I lied to her face.

 

I can never be "ok" with it. I've learnt to live with the mistake and it's consequences.

[jen1447]

Alright, sorry to be clinical about this but the main takeaways seem to be -

 

1. You want to love

2. You can't love

 

Those two things are obvs not in agreement with each other. Fixes -

 

1. Love wins - you have to overcome the inability. Is this possible? I'll be frank with you here - you sound like you're being a bit self-pitying and melodramatic. Sort of the "goodbye, cruel world" thing. That makes me suspect this "inability to love" isn't entirely real. If that's so, stop being sappy and just make yourself take risks again and determine not to be douche-y to women, whatever it takes. (Pretty dollar store-ish advice I know but I'm being brief and practical and bludgeoning the problem, not finessing it like an actual qualified therapist. )

 

2. No love wins - you give up on your dream of wife and kids and lead a solitary life where your inability doesn't harm anybody. If your problem/inability is real, that's actually the responsible thing to do. Can you live like that? Or is this love-brokeness maybe not as paralyzing a problem as you're making it out to be?

 

Sorry if I beat you up a little but I'm just trying tp help in a tangible way.

[neowulf]

Alright, sorry to be clinical about this but the main takeaways seem to be -

 

1. You want to love

2. You can't love

 

Those two things are obvs not in agreement with each other. Fixes -

 

1. Love wins - you have to overcome the inability. Is this possible? I'll be frank with you here - you sound like you're being a bit self-pitying and melodramatic. Sort of the "goodbye, cruel world" thing. That makes me suspect this "inability to love" isn't entirely real. If that's so, stop being sappy and just make yourself take risks again and determine not to be douche-y to women, whatever it takes. (Pretty dollar store-ish advice I know but I'm being brief and practical and bludgeoning the problem, not finessing it like an actual qualified therapist. )

 

2. No love wins - you give up on your dream of wife and kids and lead a solitary life where your inability doesn't harm anybody. If your problem/inability is real, that's actually the responsible thing to do. Can you live like that? Or is this love-brokeness maybe not as paralyzing a problem as you're making it out to be?

 

Sorry if I beat you up a little but I'm just trying tp help in a tangible way.

 

If my problems were rational, I assure you, I'd be more than capable of figuring them out.

 

Curious Jen, ever suffer a mental illness? Addiction? Compulsion? Ever had feelings that despite your best efforts you couldn't overcome or control? How about a phobia?

 

If people's emotional problems were as easy to solve as "well just get over it", we wouldn't need clinical psychologists.

 

I'm not asking for dime store advice on fixing my problem. I'm not expecting people to try "fix" me. I'm just getting perspective on the way I feel.

 

Anyway, threads run its course. Thanks for the thoughts

Edited May 28, 2015 by neowulf

[Gaeta]

My actions compromised everything I thought I was; Loyal, honest, respectful.

 

I disgraced not only myself, but betrayed my best friend of 6 years. My lover and partner. I lied to her face.

 

I can never be "ok" with it. I've learnt to live with the mistake and it's consequences.

 

You need to forgive yourself. Yes you betrayed her, you made a mistake back then because of XYZ at the time. It's human to make mistakes. We learn our lesson and grow wiser and better from it. You can't spend the rest of your life feeling guilty over it. Forgiving yourself does not mean justifying what you did, it means accepting you are human therefore imperfect.

 

I believe your answer is in forgiving yourself and to stop punishing yourself by not allowing yourself to feel love again.

[Methodical]

If my problems were rational, I assure you, I'd be more than capable of figuring them out.

 

Curious Jen, ever suffer a mental illness? Addiction? Compulsion? Ever had feelings that despite your best efforts you couldn't overcome or control? How about a phobia?

 

If people's emotional problems were as easy to solve as "well just get over it", we wouldn't need clinical psychologists.

 

I'm not asking for dime store advice on fixing my problem. I'm not expecting people to try "fix" me. I'm just getting perspective on the way I feel.

 

Anyway, threads run its course. Thanks for the thoughts

 

That's pretty bold and rude for you to go for a personal attack and probe for personal information from a person who has been with this thread since its inception, tried to be supportive, tried to offer advice from a sincere standpoint from what I have read. You were the one who sought advice and opinions, not Jen, so to try to stir the pot on a personal level doesn't sit well.

 

On one hand it sounds like you just aren't capable of bonding on the level most consider love, OTOH, it sounds like you tend to mask "love" with deep caring because to say "I love you" would require you to be vulnerable and accountable and you don't want that responsibility.

 

Good luck in your endeavor!

[neowulf]

That's pretty bold and rude for you to go for a personal attack and probe for personal information from a person who has been with this thread since its inception, tried to be supportive, tried to offer advice from a sincere standpoint from what I have read. You were the one who sought advice and opinions, not Jen, so to try to stir the pot on a personal level doesn't sit well.

 

You misunderstand. I'm not actually expecting Jen to *tell* me if she's suffered any of those things. I'm mentioning it to bring home the point that while the problem appears very cut and dry with a simple solution, it isn't so simple for the person going through it.

 

Jen felt I was being "melodramatic and sappy" and questioned if my "problem was even real". That's both dismissive and hurtful. I merely wanted to try and remind her that emotional problems don't often carry "cut and dry" solutions for the people who are struggling with them.

 

That said, I do value her perspective along with everyone else. Some very valuable and thought provoking points made.

Edited May 28, 2015 by neowulf

[Methodical]

You misunderstand. I'm not actually expecting Jen to *tell* me if she's suffered any of those things. I'm mentioning it to bring home the point that while the problem appears very cut and dry with a simple solution, it isn't so simple for the person going through it.

 

Jen felt I was being "melodramatic and sappy" and questioned if my "problem was even real". That's both dismissive and hurtful. I merely wanted to try and remind her that emotional problems don't often carry "cut and dry" solutions for the people who are struggling with them.

 

That said, I do value her perspective along with everyone else. Some very valuable and thought provoking points made.

 

Let's be realistic...pretty much everyone has something they deal with...mental illness, compulsions, phobias, vulnerabilities, control issues, past disasters, etc., but to probe hoping to hit a sore spot wasn't cool. I appreciate your response!

 

I like you neowulf that's why I tapped you on the shoulder to say, "Hey, some of us have been following your plight bc we do care. We've tried seeing this from your prospective and from angles that you may not have considered because you're too close to the situation."

 

Sometimes when we are struggling, we start over analyzing minute details and wind up in an uncontrollable tailspin and someone without a dog in the fight can snap us back to reality, or at least help us to see that we will manage and move forward, whether or not we conquer our demons. No, your issue isn't cut and dry, but berating yourself isn't helping either. I think we, LS members, see that more clearly than you do right now. Your feelings aren't being dismissed. I hope you learn to accept yourself for who you are and forgive yourself for past transgressions because we all make mistakes and you aren't a scathing villain unworthy of giving and receiving love.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Methodical

[Rejected Rosebud]

Falling IN love happens very fast.

 

It's the feeling you get when you meet a person who you feel a spark wit. You meet, you feel intrigued, excited and they are the person you are most excited about hearing from.... Your heart fan skip a beat. You are euphoric and infatuated.

again leigh you speak for YOURSELF please! I am in love, I fell in love with him, I know what it's like, you do not know because you think having the hots = falling in love. NO.

 

That doesn't last but it is what falling IN LOVE is.

No. That is what feeling like having sex with somebody is like though! Luckily in my case I get to be in love with the guy I feel like having sex with, but disneyland is not related to what we have in any way!!!

I am saying NEOWULF seems to want to go through the " in love phase " at the start of a relationship.........

I read his posts, I think he is talking about actually falling in love, not just having the hots - sorry you don't know what that is and I am sorry for you since you seem obsessed with it.

Many married and taken men have hit on me. They all say " I never felt the passion or strong spark with my wife/ partner so when I meet women I feel this stort of chemistry with, u wish I had felt that way for my wife so that I had it to draw from ten years later"

:lmao: OMG. Married guys or really any guys hitting on an easy mark would be likely to say such crap!!! Look how seriously you take it, you should stop srsly leigh. Actually, I would like ANY man on here married or not to raise their hands if they would EVER say anything like that to some girl they just started talking to. That is just lame!!!

[Rejected Rosebud]

My actions compromised everything I thought I was; Loyal, honest, respectful.

 

I disgraced not only myself, but betrayed my best friend of 6 years. My lover and partner. I lied to her face.

 

I can never be "ok" with it. I've learnt to live with the mistake and it's consequences.

You need to forgive yourself, if you can make amends to that person you need to do it!!! And then you need to REALLY forgive yourself, learn that you can trust yourself, and believe that you are WORTHY of love. Srsly besides overthinking and putting a block up between you and your emotions you could probably really use a little bit of counseling around this, I just KNOW you can get on the other side of it. Don't let this run you!! :bunny:

[xxoo]

If you haven't, I think you should share these insights with your partner. Open up and let her in. The emotional intimacy may cure what ails you.

[Noproblem]

Love can never be forced

[neowulf]

If you haven't, I think you should share these insights with your partner. Open up and let her in. The emotional intimacy may cure what ails you.

 

Maybe, but I don't like the idea of turning the poor woman into a free couselling service.

 

We've been very open with one another so far though. Either way, I think the best thing to do at this point is try and stop "overthinking" the situation to death and just enjoy it.

 

There's no way to know what the future may hold. Can only deal with where we are now.

[Gaeta]

Maybe, but I don't like the idea of turning the poor woman into a free couselling service.

 

Without using her as a shrink maybe let her know you are not developing feelings at the same rate as her? So at least she is warned and aware she is developing feelings on her own for the moment.

 

I remember years ago I dated this man for 3 months, of course I grew very attached and was developping feelings for him as someone should over the course of 3 months. At the end of the 3 months he ended it saying he never developed feelings for me. I was shocked and felt so betrayed that he let 3 months go by without telling me anything about his difficulty to develop deeper feelings AND I felt so betrayed that he did that while being fully aware I was falling for him.

[loveweary11]

Neo: I suffer from the same problem you do.

 

Takes me couple YEARS to start to love someone. For me, it seems love grows out of familiarity and getting to know someone extremely well. I'm pretty sure I could fall in love ith anyone I'm with that long because I only really notice the good in people.

 

Even worse, I can walk down the sidewalk and see 1,000 girls,finding 2 of them attractive enough to get a little excited about them.

 

Lots of my friends (all female) will walk down the sidewalk with me and gush every block or so about how hot guy was, while I notice no attractive girls.

 

Is this common? Is there a fix for not being as interested as you should be in love? For people who fall too slow and who aren't excited about it at first?

 

I mean I think the same thing is why I have all these girls to hook up with, but nothing advances. I don't put any effort in with them. I feel like someone out clothes shopping, trying on jeans, but then leaving them all in the dressing room because they were all "meh."

[neowulf]

Without using her as a shrink maybe let her know you are not developing feelings at the same rate as her? So at least she is warned and aware she is developing feelings on her own for the moment.

 

I remember years ago I dated this man for 3 months, of course I grew very attached and was developping feelings for him as someone should over the course of 3 months. At the end of the 3 months he ended it saying he never developed feelings for me. I was shocked and felt so betrayed that he let 3 months go by without telling me anything about his difficulty to develop deeper feelings AND I felt so betrayed that he did that while being fully aware I was falling for him.

 

Your experience is *exactly* what I'm trying to avoid.

I spoke with her tonight about my difficulties, but that I wanted to continue seeing her. She said she understood and that she was happy to give it a month or two to see how things develop before making any hard decisions about it.

 

That said, she's very smitten so... *shrug* We're full circle back to where I started. Give it a month or two then make the call.

[Methodical]

Your experience is *exactly* what I'm trying to avoid.

I spoke with her tonight about my difficulties, but that I wanted to continue seeing her. She said she understood and that she was happy to give it a month or two to see how things develop before making any hard decisions about it.

 

That said, she's very smitten so... *shrug* We're full circle back to where I started. Give it a month or two then make the call.

 

Neowulf,

 

You are full circle but with the blanks filled in. You have laid your cards on the table so she is fully aware of the potential, or lack thereof. I hope you feel some sense of relief because she won't be blindsided if your feelings don't develop into something more meaningful. You are making progress....baby steps.

[Redhead14]

Can't decide if this is me thinking aloud or just asking for advice.

 

I've just started seeing someone new and things are off to a great start. We laugh, get long great, wonderful sex. It's all very positive.

 

Yet, while I like her.. I can already see myself thinking "what if I can't fall in love with her..."

 

I haven't fallen in love in a very, very long time (10 years+ now).

 

I've had relationships, but something inside of me keeps me from making that final transition into love. All I seem to be capable of is "deep caring".

 

She's a single mother and she's already had to deal with a string of guys dating her short term and disgarding her.

I feel terrible at the thought of doing that to her. Of being the next in a line of disappointments.

 

We've been open about how we feel and we're trying to take it slowly.

 

I understand that dating and love is about risk. That it's impossible to have any kind of relationship without the risk of heart break.

 

I'm just so tired of hurting people.

 

It serves no purpose to a dating partner for you to be thinking about or trying to manage her emotions. If you are not fully focused on the positive aspects of the relationship and projecting out to a possible break up, you are undermining both your efforts to move forward.

 

Manage your own emotions and expectations going through the dating process. Be sure you are both on the same page in terms of what you are looking for for yourselves in general to start with and go from there.

 

Live in the moment with each dating partner. Let it unfold to it's natural course. If you don't find that you are in love or losing attraction for them, you need to end it respectfully and let them handle whatever emotions they have over it. They should understand the risks as well as you do. There are never any guarantees.