What if I can't fall in love...

[xxoo]

 

For me love is feeling something solely and uniquely for a person. The way you feel about them stands apart from how you feel about any other.

 

There's a deep respect, an admiration of them. There's the friendship, the laugher. The shared understanding.

 

There's knowing that no matter what,if they needed you, you'd do everything in your power to help them. Treating their problems with the same concern as you would your own.

 

Kindness, compassion, support.

 

... Eh, maybe I do have the Disney version of love in my head ?

My idealism could use a solid dose of reality...

 

That's not Disney.

 

Disney is expecting to feel all that in the first week, or the first month.

 

You meet, you feel attraction, excitement, some anxiety.....(does she like me, too? Is she really this awesome? Will she fade? Will I lose attraction? Will this last? etc). The first few weeks are a little unsteady on your feet. At this stage, much of the relationship is based on fantasy.

 

After about 2 months, there should be a bit of peace, and deepened interest. There is more reality than fantasy . (We are a couple now. This is awesome. I'm really into her! The sex has gotten even better. We are all over each other. We can talk for hours and hours. We are opening up to each other and developing deeper trust. We are discovering a lot of compatibility regarding our future dreams. This could be "the one").

 

After about 6 months, there is genuine attachment to the person, not the fantasy. (I love this person. When this person has a problem, I feel drawn to help. I want to see this person every day, wake up with this person. I want to have babies with this person. I want my babies to have her eyes and her personality. When I envision my future, this person is in it. When I make decisions, I consider this person in the process).

[Toodaloo]

My ex of 6 years and I shared a bond like the one Leigh described. But you know what, despite how much I loved her, we weren't right for each other.

 

I am looking for substance over butterflies. Yet, I also acknowledge that being in love with someone, when you really feel it, is a very singular experience.

 

For me love is feeling something solely and uniquely for a person. The way you feel about them stands apart from how you feel about any other.

 

There's a deep respect, an admiration of them. There's the friendship, the laugher. The shared understanding.

 

There's knowing that no matter what,if they needed you, you'd do everything in your power to help them. Treating their problems with the same concern as you would your own.

 

Kindness, compassion, support.

 

... Eh, maybe I do have the Disney version of love in my head ?

My idealism could use a solid dose of reality...

 

My heart is a flutter at the thought.

 

My Grandparents still got tummy butterflies when they saw each other each morning after 70 years of marriage... They didn't flounce it up with anything and were very practical. Oh the rows they would sometimes have...

 

But that to me is true love. Sticking it out, respect and care, compassion, support and understanding... Thats what they had and that is what I want.

 

Not just some flicker in my fanny (English version) every time I see them. I want a flicker in my heart and head.

[Gaeta]

Neo dear,

 

A while back I thought too I would never be able to fall in love again or not as intense as in the past till one day love took me by surprise and it was strong, intense and deep but it was different because I had grown older and had a better understanding of what love really is.

 

I think one mistake would be to expect love to feel the same each time, it doesn't. It's been 10 years since you fell in love, you've changed, you're not going to fall in love the same way.

 

When I am dating someone and wondering if I am heading down the right path I ask myself these questions and I'd like to answer them to me:

 

* Is she always on your mind?

 

* Do you catch yourself looking at other women and wondering about them?

[Mrlonelyone]

I think all of these timelines are too short.

 

The people I have loved it took at least a couple of months of getting to know eachother without explicit romance before it even felt romantic for me.

 

At least one person I had a very intense relationship with started out annoying me to no end.

[Popsicle]

I'm 100% certain that some people can't fall in love and never could. Romance has no place in their lives. They love themselves though, and maybe the plans they have for their life include a spouse and or kids but those are for practical purposes.

 

For people who actually want to fall in love (different from the above example) but have a roadblock, then they just need some psychological work done to help remove the block. It's not easy but if the person doesn't resist, that helps.

 

Op, in this instance I suggest letting her go now since she's already been hurt enough.

Edited May 27, 2015 by Popsicle

[neowulf]

I'm 100% certain that some people can't fall in love and never could. Romance has no place in their lives. They love themselves though, and maybe the plans they have for their life include a spouse and or kids but those are for practical purposes.

 

For people who actually want to fall in love (different from the above example) but have a roadblock, then they just need some psychological work done to help remove the block. It's not easy but if the person doesn't resist, that helps.

 

Op, in this instance I suggest letting her go now since she's already been hurt enough.

 

Narcissists are generally considered incapable of truly "loving" anyone but themselves. Thankfully, the fact that I'm so hung up on the idea of hurting people probably excludes me from being one :-)

 

I agree there's probably a bit of internalised fear at play here. Perhaps I'll do some research and try to figure out how to identify it. Move past it.

[Popsicle]

Narcissists are generally considered incapable of truly "loving" anyone but themselves. Thankfully, the fact that I'm so hung up on the idea of hurting people probably excludes me from being one :-)

 

I agree there's probably a bit of internalised fear at play here. Perhaps I'll do some research and try to figure out how to identify it. Move past it.

 

That would be great.

[Toodaloo]

I agree there's probably a bit of internalised fear at play here. Perhaps I'll do some research and try to figure out how to identify it. Move past it.

 

If its any help mine is trust.

 

I also feel very insecure when I have to rely on another person for anything, even if its something daft like they pay for coffees on a date or something silly it gives me the heebees and freaks me out... When it happens like that I am left waiting for the "fall out" or the outbursts of abuse and comments.

 

After lots of reading and self reflection its because I was drip fed that I was worthless unless I looked after myself and everyone else with no help from anyone for years.

 

On Sunday I paid the parking for both cars. It actually made me feel more secure and relaxed. It also worked out well that way as I could abandon my car in a hedge, where as he had to wait for someone to leave, so while he was parking I went to get tickets...

 

As soon as I allow someone to pay for me, hug me properly for a while when I am crying etc its my way of showing vulnerability and trust. I do not show any fear or vulnerability to many people.

 

You guys here probably know more than the people that know me. But thats OK because its anonymous right???

[Rejected Rosebud]

Nah.

 

I personally think love is like in a Disney film.

 

:bunny: Hi Leigh!!! we all know that you think that love is like a disney film and of course you have every right to pursue that in your life!!! You have made it super clear over and over (like a million times!) that you are OK with spending your life going from one "explosive sex" encounter to the next with all different guys on and on until you are an ancient old lady but that is not going to work for the rest of us !! Your x rated disney film really doesn't have anything to do with the OP!! Sorry but he is looking for advice about FALLING IN LOVE and actually having a real life relationship in his life not wild fantasies.

 

OP - I don't know about this girl but I do feel that you are overthinking and standing in your own way of letting things unfold so you can experience them and learn!!

[Leigh 87]

...and then you dump them to get your next fix of Disneyland and complain about how it just never works out.

 

Nah, Neowulf has already stated he wants marriage and kids which takes a bit more substance than a Disney film and tummy flitters... I think Neowulf wants more substance than you do Leigh. He has his head screwed on and is looking for reality not fantasy...

 

 

Not at all.

 

Limerence ends.

 

My goal is to at least START with limerence. I need to have the spark and butterflies. They need to be the person I most look forward to receiving texts from.

 

I would much prefer it to grow into true love AFTER the heavy lust stage.

 

I am not going to support the OP in skipping the infatuation and limerence phase. I think it's necessary. To go through at all.

 

I never me mentioned dumping partners once limerence ends. Wtf........

 

I am a huge proponent for merely HAVING the " in love " stage to start out with.....

[Leigh 87]

:bunny: Hi Leigh!!! we all know that you think that love is like a disney film and of course you have every right to pursue that in your life!!! You have made it super clear over and over (like a million times!) that you are OK with spending your life going from one "explosive sex" encounter to the next with all different guys on and on until you are an ancient old lady but that is not going to work for the rest of us !! Your x rated disney film really doesn't have anything to do with the OP!! Sorry but he is looking for advice about FALLING IN LOVE and actually having a real life relationship in his life not wild fantasies.

 

OP - I don't know about this girl but I do feel that you are overthinking and standing in your own way of letting things unfold so you can experience them and learn!!

 

 

 

Falling IN love happens very fast.

 

It's the feeling you get when you meet a person who you feel a spark wit. You meet, you feel intrigued, excited and they are the person you are most excited about hearing from.... Your heart fan skip a beat. You are euphoric and infatuated.

 

That doesn't last but it is what falling IN LOVE is. The true love part happens pater once you get to know each other inside out, become best friends and learn to WANT to be together even when the butterflies fade and you have annoying habits and you start to notice their beer belly and receding hairline.......

 

I am not advocating shallow deliances at all.... I am saying NEOWULF seems to want to go through the " in love phase " at the start of a relationship.........

 

I never said anything about unrealistic expectations.

 

Disney to me is: meeting, feeling sparks, and then being EXCITED about seeing them. Having them on your mind often. Being a little giddy and excited before early dates. Not being able to keep your hands off one another.

 

Neowulf is like me. He meets woman he really likes as people but who he's not enamoured with. He isnt really into them or feeling the strong chemistry. He isnt excited about them although he loves their company.

 

There is nothing wrong for Neowulf to want to experience the IN LOVE feeling as opposed to having to skip that stage and growing to love a person.

 

You need limerence and infatuation in ADDITION to the growing to love one another warts and all stage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many married and taken men have hit on me. They all say " I never felt the passion or strong spark with my wife/ partner so when I meet women I feel this stort of chemistry with, u wish I had felt that way for my wife so that I had it to draw from ten years later"

 

So I'm really just saying to wait for the right chemistry that allows you to fall in love as opposed to quietly growing to love a person who you're not that into or excited about ininitially yet who u love talking to and hanging with.

[Leigh 87]

It's really sad that people think it's " too disney " to have that " spark,can't keep your hand soft each other and cannot get each other off your mind " feeling.

 

Without the limerence period you basically skip falling in love and grow to love.

 

I urge Neowulf to wait out for a woman he sparks with and feels thrilled and excited about.

[Gaeta]

I am looking for substance over butterflies. Yet, I also acknowledge that being in love with someone, when you really feel it, is a very singular experience.

 

For me love is feeling something solely and uniquely for a person. The way you feel about them stands apart from how you feel about any other.

 

There's a deep respect, an admiration of them. There's the friendship, the laugher. The shared understanding.

 

There's knowing that no matter what,if they needed you, you'd do everything in your power to help them. Treating their problems with the same concern as you would your own.

 

Kindness, compassion, support.

 

Those types of feelings take more than 2 months to develop. You are describing a state of the heart that happens after months and years spent with someone.

 

Do you think about her through the day?

You feel excited at the thought of seeing her?

Have you lost interest for all other women?

 

If you answer yes to these than you are on the right path. It has always taken me a good 5-6 months to develop 'being in love' with someone. To me feeling butterflies is not 'falling in love', it's lust, smitten, call it what ever. It's exciting and overwhelming but I would never tell someone I love them based on those. My 'I love yous' mean I would die for you so I don't expect to achieve that in 2 months.

[Leigh 87]

Those types of feelings take more than 2 months to develop. You are describing a state of the heart that happens after months and years spent with someone.

 

Do you think about her through the day?

You feel excited at the thought of seeing her?

Have you lost interest for all other women?

 

If you answer yes to these than you are on the right path. It has always taken me a good 5-6 months to develop 'being in love' with someone. To me feeling butterflies is not 'falling in love', it's lust, smitten, call it what ever. It's exciting and overwhelming but I would never tell someone I love them based on those. My 'I love yous' mean I would die for you so I don't expect to achieve that in 2 months.

 

I also highlighted that the in love feeling isn't true love until months later when you would die for them. That's heavy stuff.

 

I was simply saying that the initial being smitten stage is important to go through. Or the true love part never eventuates for me based in mutual respect and admiration alone. I need sparks to begin with.

[xxoo]

Falling IN love happens very fast.

 

It's the feeling you get when you meet a person who you feel a spark wit. You meet, you feel intrigued, excited and they are the person you are most excited about hearing from.... Your heart fan skip a beat. You are euphoric and infatuated.

 

I don't consider that falling in love.

 

OP, is that what you meant by falling in love?

[neowulf]

I also highlighted that the in love feeling isn't true love until months later when you would die for them. That's heavy stuff.

 

I was simply saying that the initial being smitten stage is important to go through. Or the true love part never eventuates for me based in mutual respect and admiration alone. I need sparks to begin with.

 

I understand what you're saying Leigh. When I was younger I experienced the kind of limerance you've talked about.

 

What I've found though, is that either through aging, or trauma, I seem to have lost the ability to feel that "spark".

 

It's been so very long since I felt that way about *anyone*, I'm not even sure I can. My heart simply isn't open enough anymore.

 

It's possible I guess that I'm simply wired in such a way that I feel "sparks" with only a very *tiny* number of people.

 

But yes, it would be nice to go through that "infatuated" stage with someone I was dating. I'm just not sure it's realistic anymore.

[Gaeta]

I also highlighted that the in love feeling isn't true love until months later when you would die for them. That's heavy stuff.

 

I was simply saying that the initial being smitten stage is important to go through. Or the true love part never eventuates for me based in mutual respect and admiration alone. I need sparks to begin with.

 

It's important to you Leigh.

 

One of my long term relationships I did not feel the initial butterflies, I slowly grew in love with him over the months. When we separated 4 years later I was totally broken and had a long trip down to hell and it took me 3 good years to get over him. The dept of my love for him had no parallel with having had smitten feelings or not at the beginning.

[neowulf]

Those types of feelings take more than 2 months to develop. You are describing a state of the heart that happens after months and years spent with someone.

 

Do you think about her through the day?

You feel excited at the thought of seeing her?

Have you lost interest for all other women?

 

My previous experiences of infatuation happened very quickly.

I am not infatuated with this woman. She's lovely, I enjoy her company. I look forward to seeing her and getting to know her better.

 

But no, I'm not infatuated. She on the other hand admits to being "smitten" with me.

 

Also, something of interest on the topic;

 

PS I love you: Why it's MEN who are the real hopeless romantics

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2054581/Men-quickest-say-I-love-Study-reveals-MEN-real-hopeless-romantics.html#ixzz3bNrtxiZF

Edited May 27, 2015 by neowulf

[Gaeta]

It's been so very long since I felt that way about *anyone*, I'm not even sure I can. My heart simply isn't open enough anymore.

 

It's possible I guess that I'm simply wired in such a way that I feel "sparks" with only a very *tiny* number of people. .

 

Yes honey you can. And when it hits you you have nothing to say in the matter, it just happens whether you want it or not.

 

I spent 10 years alone with no man in my life. I thought these feelings were for teenagers till one day at 45 it hit me like lightning! I had no say in the matter, I fell head over heels for a man so bad i could not sleep or eat ! that bad!

 

But that being said whether you experience that phase or not it does not define the dept of the love you may develop for a person.

[Gaeta]

My previous experiences of infatuation happened very quickly.

I am not infatuated with this woman. She's lovely, I enjoy her company. I look forward to seeing her and getting to know her better.

 

But no, I'm not infatuated. She on the other hand admits to being "smitten" with me.

 

Also, something of interest on the topic;

 

PS I love you: Why it's MEN who are the real hopeless romantics

Read more: Men quickest to say 'I love you': Study reveals MEN are the real hopeless romantics | Daily Mail Online

 

I absolutely agree with men fall faster than women and it's happening fast for them.

 

When you mentioned in this thread you have plenty of attraction I falsely assumed it meant you had a certain level of infatuation for her. At least a happy & giggly feeling, no?

[neowulf]

Yes honey you can. And when it hits you you have nothing to say in the matter, it just happens whether you want it or not.

 

I spent 10 years alone with no man in my life. I thought these feelings were for teenagers till one day at 45 it hit me like lightning! I had no say in the matter, I fell head over heels for a man so bad i could not sleep or eat ! that bad!

 

But that being said whether you experience that phase or not it does not define the dept of the love you may develop for a person.

 

Yet, where is that man now?

 

That's my point I guess. That "spark" doesn't appear to mean anything. It doesn't mean the person is right for you. It doesn't mean you're going to have some grand love affair. It doesn't mean what you share will last.

 

It seems crazy to me now to hang all my hopes for the future on this random "feeling" that I can barely remember having, yet at the same time.. It's the only thing that really feels *real* to me.

 

*sigh*

 

Man, what the hell. I don't recall being warned this whole "finding a life partner" thing would be so damn tricky

[jen1447]

Why are you so worried about it?

[Gaeta]

Neowulf: How about it's not you unable to fall for her but about her falling too fast for you? and that's why you have this need to put a label on your feelings?

[neowulf]

I absolutely agree with men fall faster than women and it's happening fast for them.

 

When you mentioned in this thread you have plenty of attraction I falsely assumed it meant you had a certain level of infatuation for her. At least a happy & giggly feeling, no?

 

No, not so much.

In fact the closest feeling I get is anxiety.

That's just it. Those feelings, that "happy & giggly" feeling. Feeling infatuated. They freak. me. the. hell. out.

 

The second I find myself starting to feel that way, I can feel myself reach down and crush them.

 

Hmm.. that's a really interesting revelation actually.

[neowulf]

Why are you so worried about it?

 

Honestly? Because I end up feeling like trash for rejecting yet another good, loving women.

 

My people picker has been refined to the point that the *only* women I date, are wonderful women.

Kind, giving. Compassionate. Considerate. Respectful. Funny.

They are *lovely*. No crazy, no drama queens, no selfish princesses.

 

Rejecting their love makes me feel defective. It makes me deeply sad that I've hurt them.

Edited May 27, 2015 by neowulf