Lie about virginity?

[jen1447]

PS: Jen, for my own curiosity is that you in your avatar pic?

 

Yep.

 

A case in point this past birthday everyone wanted to know where my gf was and why I

If I was in your shoes I'd get real familiar with the line "still haven't found the one." It's not a lie and it also has a hint of "mind your own business" in it.

 

If he goes extreme and makes out like he's a ladies man then for sure as you say it will be unveiled. If he gets some experience with a hooker, then that wont show where he's been. If he fills in his history by padding it with another relationship then that is falling in between being the virgin and Cassanova (much closer to the first. Its still possible to backfire unless he clues up a few people close to him.

I just don't get the padding part. Padding = lie. Aside from being dishonest, it's also just adding to a list of BS stories he has to keep straight to avoid not getting exposed.

 

[quote name=ascendotm

]I get what you are saying but to me the only older virgin that can own it is one saving himself for marriage or is very fussy and waiting for his dream girl. As for pitiable, well when his good mate at uni found out he was a virgin he stopped talking to him. While he lied to his mate about sleeping with his ex, I really cant see such a minor deception which is inconsequential to their friendship was worth shunning him over, and it could well have been more over the stigma (who knows).

Meh, I disagree. It's just not that big a deal. I mean sure it will be to some people, but who cares? There actually are women out there who won't care believe it or not, and some who'll even like it. Maybe not exactly easy to find but tough sh*t. Regardless he is what he is and he's best off dealing by accepting it, not pretending to be sth else.

[ascendotum]

Meh, I disagree. It's just not that big a deal. I mean sure it will be to some people, but who cares? There actually are women out there who won't care believe it or not, and some who'll even like it. Maybe not exactly easy to find but tough sh*t. Regardless he is what he is and he's best off dealing by accepting it, not pretending to be sth else.

 

Personally I think they should start off by not lying and see how it goes down. some of these guys are freaking out before they have actually experienced a harsh rejection over it. If they start finding the girls are keen then quickly go all quite and fade on them after he tells her, then they can fall back on the fake history (just like lots of women with promiscuous pasts will if they sense a few guys changing their attitude on them after they open up). A good male friend walked out on him so it shows the stigma it is for some. I've listened in to some conversations from women on this issue and its not pretty, but I guess I'd like to see some survey on this to know how bad/not so bad it is. Its really up to him and how many rejections he can handle before he finds a virgin friendly woman.

[jen1447]

Girl-talk isn't always 'real,' at least not as applies to men. Two women could say "OMG he's a virgin, ew!" but one of them might really find it endearing.

 

I don't get his guy-friend. It sounds really 'gay' frankly. (I don't necessarily mean literally, just in the common "oversensitive guy" usage of the word.) Why he'd take some personal offense at that is beyond me.

[AVarma]

Girl-talk isn't always 'real,' at least not as applies to men. Two women could say "OMG he's a virgin, ew!" but one of them might really find it endearing.

 

 

Well why not just admit she likes it then? I can understand a girl in middle school who behaves this way but a grown woman? Cmon now...

[ZA Dater]

If I was in your shoes I'd get real familiar with the line "still haven't found the one." It's not a lie and it also has a hint of "mind your own business" in it.

 

Will try this but its hardly convincing when you have been going to events with the same core group of people attending for the last 10+ years and you have never had a date.

[jen1447]

What's to be "convincing" about? You haven't found the one, right? Does everyone know your precise dating history, and if so, why? Some things are your business alone.

[ZA Dater]

What's to be "convincing" about? You haven't found the one, right? Does everyone know your precise dating history, and if so, why? Some things are your business alone.

 

They know enough to see I am never with females which already piques the curiosity of many simply because its not normal for a straight guy to never bring a date to any event at all.

 

Its really perception.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I think over 25 is when a guy should lie about it

[AVarma]

I think over 25 is when a guy should lie about it

 

After high school nobody is going to ask. Just stay mum and have sex and all will be well!

 

What's to be "convincing" about? You haven't found the one, right? Does everyone know your precise dating history, and if so, why? Some things are your business alone.

 

Exactly. Guys should stay quiet about it and have sex. No reason to risk having a woman lose respect for you because you're an older virgin.

Edited May 28, 2015 by AVarma

[guest569]

Exactly. Guys should stay quiet about it and have sex. No reason to risk having a woman lose respect for you because you're an older virgin.

 

Anyone who respects you less for being a virgin is not what OP wants. If the subject comes up, be honest. If the woman gets weird about it, it is her problem not yours.

 

Also OP , my first time was at 27 and I can understand what you mean about it being a huge deal an defining you. I got to the stage where i just wanted to get it over with, but it was not just "for the sake of it", nor with a long term person. It was still amazing and special. But at the same time, not a huge deal that i once made it out to be.

 

I recall having the dilemma when I started dating at 24, do i tell anyone? I ended up just telling when we were getting physical and no one ran or ridiculed me. I felt like i had to fess up because I was a bit shy and nervous, also was scared it would hurt especially if they didn't know, so wanted them to be gentle.

 

If people ask it may just be curiosity or for sexual health reasons, if they want a man who has a high number well, that is just bizarre.

 

The issue is with society in general, American teenage films etc , not us late bloomers!! There is nothing wrong with you, it's not a big deal. When the time comes, if you need to tell her, go ahead. If not just relax and enjoy!

[jen1447]

They know enough to see I am never with females which already piques the curiosity of many simply because its not normal for a straight guy to never bring a date to any event at all.

 

Its really perception.

 

"Never" with females? Who has access to you 24/7? Most everyone has parts of their life that are essentially private. Who's to say your dating habits aren't?

 

I realize this is an issue for you, and chances are that people tend to think of you as a lone wolf, but that doesn't mean they automatically know you're a virgin.

[oldshirt]

I've been sexually active for 34 years and I've never had anyone ask me if I had ever had sex before or if I was a virgin etc etc. Not a single one.....ever.

 

What has gone on or not gone on in your bedroom before is no-one else's business. No-one is ever under any obligation to divulge their their score sheet.

 

If someone brings up STDs, offer to take a test.

 

It's no-one's business if you've had sex before or not and as an adult I'd bet the farm no-one is ever going to ask.

 

Y'all are making a huge deal out of something that is a complete nonissue. No-one is going to ask if you've had sex before, and even fewer are going to care one way or another.

 

This is like arguing over which weapon you should have to defend yourself against a zombie attack. It's irrelevant because there are no zombies.

 

There are no women over the age of 20 that are going to ask if some dude is a virgin or not. And if you happen to stumble on that one out of a thousand teenager that does ask, who gives a sht what she thinks?

[smackie9]

I know a guy that is 28 and still a virgin. He has discussed some issues, and number one was anxiety. Even with heavy petting he just can't get himself to make that last step to sex. He also has told me girls do pick up on him being a virgin.They just seem to sense it, and he gets embarrassed. He travels a lot all over the world and the experience with girls seems to be the same.

 

He is just focusing on travel and gave up worrying about giving up his virginity.

[newmoon]

nobody knows you're a virgin unless you tell them. so, keep your mouth shut i say. it's not something you need to tell anyone, even someone you're seriously dating. i was much older than you and the first time i told the guy - right after. he couldn't tell, and women can't tell either. why stress over it. it's not a big deal to anyone but you and if you tell women you'll just feel judged or think they are rejecting you because of it. at least if they reject you it won't be for that :-) virgin is not stamped on you anywhere, it's all good and the right girl won't care if you do tell her. no good comes from spilling stuff like that, especially to casual dates or friends. i once told a guy and he didn't believe me at all anyway, so it was pointless and he actually thought i was a liar, lol, trying to front as a virgin. after a certain age people might not buy it

Edited May 29, 2015 by newmoon

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Anyone who respects you less for being a virgin is not what OP wants. If the subject comes up, be honest. If the woman gets weird about it, it is her problem not yours.

 

Also OP , my first time was at 27 and I can understand what you mean about it being a huge deal an defining you. I got to the stage where i just wanted to get it over with, but it was not just "for the sake of it", nor with a long term person. It was still amazing and special. But at the same time, not a huge deal that i once made it out to be.

 

I recall having the dilemma when I started dating at 24, do i tell anyone? I ended up just telling when we were getting physical and no one ran or ridiculed me. I felt like i had to fess up because I was a bit shy and nervous, also was scared it would hurt especially if they didn't know, so wanted them to be gentle.

 

If people ask it may just be curiosity or for sexual health reasons, if they want a man who has a high number well, that is just bizarre.

 

The issue is with society in general, American teenage films etc , not us late bloomers!! There is nothing wrong with you, it's not a big deal. When the time comes, if you need to tell her, go ahead. If not just relax and enjoy!

 

Yes but strangely oddly enough women just don't seem to like a guy that is not desired by other women

[guest569]

Yes but strangely oddly enough women just don't seem to like a guy that is not desired by other women

 

Speak for yourself what other women think doesn't really enter my mind.

[ZA Dater]

Yes but strangely oddly enough women just don't seem to like a guy that is not desired by other women

 

I think there is some truth to this.

[ZA Dater]

"Never" with females? Who has access to you 24/7? Most everyone has parts of their life that are essentially private. Who's to say your dating habits aren't?

 

I realize this is an issue for you, and chances are that people tend to think of you as a lone wolf, but that doesn't mean they automatically know you're a virgin.

 

I think I need to rephrase, how many people do you know that go to social events like dinners and dances alone all the time? I known this core group of people for around 10 years and in that time I have never brought anyone to an event.

 

People do wonder and one does get asked.

 

This probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does but I do sometimes wonder how nice it would be to have someone to take to events.

[jen1447]

If you go to dinners and dances alone (I assume you mean as in no date, but with other people), that still doesn't mean you're not dating on your own time. How do they know you're not just a serial dater and you keep it to yourself?

 

I understand the reality here tho and what your social group most likely thinks, inasmuch as they think of it at all. I just think you're making too much of it.

 

Honesty check - this is where the "just be you" thing really matters, bc if you're that guy, you're ....that guy. Why be someone else? Why try to fool anyone into thinking you're someone else? If you're group actually has a problem with that, they're probably not such a great group. More likely they accept you for who you are and they don't really give a damn about it.

[ZA Dater]

If you go to dinners and dances alone (I assume you mean as in no date, but with other people), that still doesn't mean you're not dating on your own time. How do they know you're not just a serial dater and you keep it to yourself?

 

I understand the reality here tho and what your social group most likely thinks, inasmuch as they think of it at all. I just think you're making too much of it.

 

Honesty check - this is where the "just be you" thing really matters, bc if you're that guy, you're ....that guy. Why be someone else? Why try to fool anyone into thinking you're someone else? If you're group actually has a problem with that, they're probably not such a great group. More likely they accept you for who you are and they don't really give a damn about it.

 

Good solid advice thanks!

 

I think you can sense why it does bother me though. Its just awkward sitting around couples and well being on your own. I was lucky once to actually take someone who a mutual friend sort of arranged to go with me (I had met her before at a lunch) and it was nice, it did enhance the social aspect of the evening and if I am honest I did enjoy it a lot more.

[jen1447]

It could certainly be awkward yeah but it's also an opportunity to 'own it.' If you got yourself looking good and feeling comfortable, the lone guy in the group can be an attraction bc it's like "look at that cute guy, all alone but comfy in his own skin," swoon ....

[ZA Dater]

It could certainly be awkward yeah but it's also an opportunity to 'own it.' If you got yourself looking good and feeling comfortable, the lone guy in the group can be an attraction bc it's like "look at that cute guy, all alone but comfy in his own skin," swoon ....

 

Which is what I had to do at a recent weekend away with the same group. There aren't any singles in the group at all unfortunately.

 

In fact its mainly older people.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Speak for yourself what other women think doesn't really enter my mind.

 

I guess I should have used the word "most", okay, most women, but not all, as in, the woman that overlook lack of experience in a guy who is past a certain-age, are in the minority.

[Camaro Guy]

Honesty check - this is where the "just be you" thing really matters, bc if you're that guy, you're ....that guy. Why be someone else? Why try to fool anyone into thinking you're someone else? If you're group actually has a problem with that, they're probably not such a great group. More likely they accept you for who you are and they don't really give a damn about it.

 

 

In life, we have two personas: public and private. I'm sure you know this. We all wear meticulously crafted masks to cover our true personas. The darker sides, the sides that are ugly and demonic. Often times, this side emerges in shadow places such as the internet.

 

No one is truly themselves. The goal of life is to create the most appealing mask as possible and prevent it from falling off, getting cracks, or destroying it entirely. This is what is called social intelligence.

 

That's why I don't like the "be yourself" advice. It ignores this fact and displays naiveté.

 

 

---

 

Keep the virginity to yourself. Never reveal your hand.

 

If you have to, put up a false front but don't exaggerate it. Women tend to be attracted to guys that other women seem to have "preselected". This is because women are extremely social. They want men who display social acuity. One way to do is by having the milestone experiences in life. You know, couple of girlfriends, a good circle of friends, etc.

 

If you are not that man, appear to be that man. You must do everything in your power not to look like an anomaly. Show your "uniqueness" in other ways, not this one.

 

Do not be fooled that women are not sexual creatures. They care for sexual prowess quite a lot once they reach the heights of what sex can provide for them.

 

Women can say this does not matter but do not be fooled by words. Words mean nothing. Language is fake. It does not portray the actual intent. Look at the intent. Look at the body language. Look at the patterns. See deeper. Perceive deeper.

 

What are the type of women you want? What type of men are they with? Do they fit a certain character profile? Do they fit a certain physical build? Why do you think they are with these men? What value are the women gaining from being with these men? Visa versa? You need to think about these things.

Edited May 29, 2015 by Camaro Guy

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

maybe the OP should seek out cougar women, because older women, in their 30's and 40's.

 

 

An Australian Dating Guru named Dan Bacon, he responded to a guy on his blog who admitted he was in his late 20's and still a virgin, and he recommended he seek out cougars, this is what he said to him:

 

 

Some (not all) women like the idea of teaching a virgin a few tricks in the bedroom. If you want to find those women, seek out cougars:

 

 

Many cougars love the idea of teaching a virgin. One of the many reasons they enjoy it is that teaching a virgin makes them feel sexually confident. Cougars know that they aren’t the most valuable women on the dating/mating market, so any boost in sexual confidence is usually welcomed.