When you're dating and you don't feel like having sex...

[BluEyeL]

When men say they're not ready for a relationship, it means they won't be ready for YEARS. When a woman is not ready for sex NOW, she will be in a matter of weeks if things continue to go well. It's a big difference. A man who likes a woman and is looking for a relationship with her will be willing to wait a REASONABLE amount of time until he declares she's not into him.

 

The ones who don't, are simply not interested in her for the long term. That doesn't mean they are d-bags it just means that: they are more interested in the casual aspect and not willing to wait for a connection. They want a relationship "maybe" "if" and "after" the sex. That doesn't work for everyone.

 

But yes, 4-5 dates is not a point when someone should be a "boyfriend" just yet either. I suspect the guy in question put the label to fast forward the relationship, which is suspicious in my view. Be weary of those who come too strong.

 

Not everyone is the same and has the same values. Some women simply do not feel comfortable having sex with someone they don't feel sufficient emotional connection with. And they shouldn't be pressured. Period.

 

If a man doesn't want a relationship, he shouldn't be pressured to enter one either. You find out he doesn't want a relationship, you leave. You don't wait 5 years to find out he's going to marry the next girl within 6 months of dumping you.

[ascendotum]

Jeez, some people are acting like the guy is going to freakin' DIE if he doesn't get sex NOW. He's so deprived - a WHOLE 4 or 5 dates and he hasn't gotten horizontal yet????

 

Cruel and unusual punishment, that. It's akin to waterboarding the poor, hapless soul.

 

Amazingly enough, he'll survive. No, really ... he will.

 

I'm sure he's survived without trauma. He could have easily gone a number of months without prior. Going 5 dates and not having sex is not so much the issue, and he could be fine with that, but if he read his gf's post he might not be so thrilled that she has no strong desire for him. She doesn't know when she might be ready so its the notion that it could be date 30 before she might be willing to give him a go, that's would be the bigger concern for a guy, not the 5 dates already clocked up which could well having looking forward in anticipation to seeing his gf naked in the very near future.A big % of women would be turned off by the thought the new guy they are dating is not going to make a move for a couple of months.

[katiegrl]

I'm sure he's survived without trauma. He could have easily gone a number of months without prior. Going 5 dates and not having sex is not so much the issue, and he could be fine with that,

 

***but if he read his gf's post he might not be so thrilled that she has no strong desire for him.***

 

She doesn't know when she might be ready so its the notion that it could be date 30 before she might be willing to give him a go, that's would be the bigger concern for a guy, not the 5 dates already clocked up which could well having looking forward in anticipation to seeing his gf naked in the very near future.A big % of women would be turned off by the thought the new guy they are dating is not going to make a move for a couple of months.

 

Quote in asterisk... BINGO!

[katiegrl]

 

***When men say they're not ready for a relationship, it means they won't be ready for YEARS. When a woman is not ready for sex NOW, she will be in a matter of weeks if things continue to go well.***

 

 

Quote in asterisk... and how would you know what the man OR woman in said scenario is meaning?:

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Prune quote

[MissBee]

I've been exclusive with my boyfriend © for almost a month now and so far, I've been keeping our relationship decently paced. We see each other at least once a week because of our busy schedule, but we do text or talk at least once a day. Things are going fairly well, we go out on when we see each other and we usually have a fair decent amount of PDA (ie. hand-holding, kissing, touching... etc).

 

C makes it known he is attracted to me so much so, sometimes I know that he wants to take this to the next base. But I'm not ready. Inside, I'm a bubbling pot of anxiety. I haven't had sex since my ex dumped me back in January and I haven't been physically aroused at the idea of being physically intimate with another.

 

There is nothing wrong with C. He is attractive, and he has been understanding when I told him I wasn't ready.

 

I don't know when I'll be ready. I'm not a prude because if it had been 2-3 years ago, I would be open to having sex sooner. But those times when I had been sexually active, I was also making poor choices in life. Nowadays, I feel like I want to wait.

 

Does anybody feel like this? Like there's no rush into having sex? How does your partner respond to your adamant stance about not being ready for sex yet?

 

I never feel like there is a rush, but I desire sex so I have never been with a man in a relationship where I didn't want to have sex. If I go as far as to be in a relationship, you bet I want to have sex with you.

 

Maybe you're not ready for a new relationship yet.

 

Have you spoken to C about your anxieties and concerns? That's the best course of action. Don't have him guessing. Be frank about your reservations and see his response and also give him a choice about how to proceed with things. He will either be fine with it or he won't be and if he's not then you can choose how to proceed from there.

[katiegrl]

When men say they're not ready for a relationship, it means they won't be ready for YEARS. When a woman is not ready for sex NOW, she will be in a matter of weeks if things continue to go well. It's a big difference. A man who likes a woman and is looking for a relationship with her will be willing to wait a REASONABLE amount of time until he declares she's not into him.

 

The ones who don't, are simply not interested in her for the long term. That doesn't mean they are d-bags it just means that: they are more interested in the casual aspect and not willing to wait for a connection. They want a relationship "maybe" "if" and "after" the sex. That doesn't work for everyone.

 

But yes, 4-5 dates is not a point when someone should be a "boyfriend" just yet either. I suspect the guy in question put the label to fast forward the relationship, which is suspicious in my view. Be weary of those who come too strong.

 

Not everyone is the same and has the same values. Some women simply do not feel comfortable having sex with someone they don't feel sufficient emotional connection with. And they shouldn't be pressured. Period.

 

If a man doesn't want a relationship, he shouldn't be pressured to enter one either. You find out he doesn't want a relationship, you leave. You don't wait 5 years to find out he's going to marry the next girl within 6 months of dumping you.

 

Actually, as has been said many many times on this board, when men say they are not ready for a relationship, they mean with that particular girl.

 

Same man could meet another different girl next week and BE ready, for the simple reason he is into her, attracted to her and envisions a future with HER.

 

There are exceptions of course...I am speaking generally.

 

So ....since this is how it goes down for men when they use the term *not ready*...it stands to reason it is not so different when women use the same term "not ready*.

 

Of course, like with men, there are always exceptions like in ES's case....but since the OP herself admitted she is not attracted to the guy ...in her case, not being ready means she is just not into HIM, which she should just be honest with him about, instead of throwing out the "not ready" excuse....that is misleading, which isn't fair.

 

JMO.

[Shining One]

When men say they're not ready for a relationship, it means they won't be ready for YEARS. When a woman is not ready for sex NOW, she will be in a matter of weeks if things continue to go well.

I've only used the "not ready for a relationship" line twice, but in both cases, it only lasted months. In both cases, I gave the women rough time frames. However, eight women have given me the "not ready for sex" line. Guess what, none of them provided time frames. I also waited several months with four of them. They were still not ready.

 

Unless a man or woman is providing a time frame, you can't make assumptions.

[xpaperxcutx]

So I woke up this morning and found my thread has blown up to 4 pages, with everybody giving differing opinions. Some I agree with and some that I can't see eye-to-eye with.

 

I never once said I wasn't attracted to C. He is very handsome and coupled with his personality and a child-like innocence (he's 23 so sometimes he still acts like a kid discovering new things in life), I'm very attracted to him. We kiss and hold hands and even those are turnons for me, but always, I'm the one who stops kissing him first, or move his hands away from my body so we don't go any further.

 

I'm not ready for sex because one, I do have this mentality that I want to wait for the right time and two, I've been dealing with internal issues of whether I actually want to have sex so soon. Also, since my last breakup, I have turned to God more and more, and I don't want to dive head-first into a physical relationship.

 

For him, he has been in a lot of relationships. His most significant relationship was with his high school sweetheart, which lasted 5 years.

 

For those who said that C has ulterior motives, that is not the case. I asked him out because I like him. After our second date, he asked me if we're boyfriends and girlfriends and I said yes because in order for us to date, the title is an appropriate way for us to acknowledge that we are exclusive to each other. I did not get into a relationship to play around. I got into a relationship with him because I know what a great guy he is, and I want to see if there's future for us together. All he does is bring a smile to my face and I have not given him anything to think that I was going to hurt him. Just the other day, when we hung out in the city, he told me that he enjoyed going to places with me because we're not fighting. I asked him why would we fight. He said when he was with his ex, all they would do was fight and have arguments.

 

We have a 3-years age difference, but obviously past relationships have taught us that we are not trying to repeat the mistakes. I'm not trying to use him for anything. I'm older than him, and if anything, he has more chances of using me because I have fully opened up to him. I haven't lied to him. I told him from the beginning if things do not work out between us I would hope we can still be friends ( I truly am honest about this also, because i would never want to lose him as my friend).

 

For those who said why I am taking things slow since I already knew him as a friend before, it's because even though he and I were technically friends (in fact, classmates), we never really knew each other fully. We say hi and hang out in group settings, but that didn't mean we were close to the point that I knew his life story; nor him, mine. It's only recently when we started going out, we started talking more about ourselves and we got to know about our families, our love of animals, etc. And that's what I think we both want. After all, isn't that how you built an emotional connection?

 

 

The whole purpose of this thread was simply my way of trying to find out if others had been in similar situations and waited to have sex ( be it weeks or months since you got together with your SO). I never meant it as a way to say that I was withholding sex to play around, that is not the case.

 

When I'm ready I'll know I'll be able to stand naked in a room with him and be completely open with him. But I'm not dwelling on this right now. I know I'm making a right choice in not wanting sex because a relationship should be more than that. First and foremost, it should be about finding common ground, to know we are at the same places in life, to know we have the possibility of going to the same places in the future. If he wasn't willing to wait, I don't think I would be with him.

[katiegrl]

^^Thank you for clarifying! That helped ALOT to put things in perspective.

 

Since you are both cool with waiting...then there is NO issue here.

 

Good luck....hope it all works out! :bunny:

[xpaperxcutx]

Actually, as has been said many many times on this board, when men say they are not ready for a relationship, they mean with that particular girl.

 

Same man could meet another different girl next week and BE ready, for the simple reason he is into her, attracted to her and envisions a future with HER.

 

There are exceptions of course...I am speaking generally.

 

So ....since this is how it goes down for men when they use the term *not ready*...it stands to reason it is not so different when women use the same term "not ready*.

 

Of course, like with men, there are always exceptions like in ES's case....but since the OP herself admitted she is not attracted to the guy ...in her case, not being ready means she is just not into HIM, which she should just be honest with him about, instead of throwing out the "not ready" excuse....that is misleading, which isn't fair.

 

JMO.

 

I believe that's your assumption. I said he was attractive, I never once said I was not attracted to him.

 

Also not ready for sex does not translate to not being ready to date or being in a relationship. Just because I provided a reason for not being ready that makes it an excuse?

 

This is my body we're talking about. And I actually do have a say when I really mean I do not want to jump into bed so quickly.

[katiegrl]

I believe that's your assumption. I said he was attractive, I never once said I was not attracted to him.

 

Also not ready for sex does not translate to not being ready to date or being in a relationship. Just because I provided a reason for not being ready that makes it an excuse?

 

This is my body we're talking about. And I actually do have a say when I really mean I do not want to jump into bed so quickly.

 

I realize this now and thanked you for clarifying.

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[losangelena]

OP, I think you're doing great.

 

If I've learned anything from posting here on LS, is that ultimately, we each have to do what's best for ourselves and our relationships. People will give you their opinions, and while (usually) well-intentioned, they're strangers who are working off limited information. The truth is, we don't know the whole picture of your situation, and we never will, so it's inevitable that things will get misconstrued.

 

I personally don't doubt your intentions with this guy. You sound thoughtful and considerate of your situation, and communicating all of that to the relevant parties. If your guy has a problem with how long you're waiting, that's up to him to address, and y'all can have regular check-ins on the topic as you go. Bottom line, I don't think it ever HURT a relationship to delay sex.

[fitnessfan365]

I don't know when I'll be ready. I'm not a prude because if it had been 2-3 years ago, I would be open to having sex sooner. But those times when I had been sexually active, I was also making poor choices in life. Nowadays, I feel like I want to wait.

 

Thank you SycamoreCircle. I know I'm making the right choice. I'm not looking to get intimate soon because I don't want a relationship that based off sex. If he really wants to be with me, he will wait.

 

The first quote is you being honest. The second quote is you trying to deflect.

 

You're living in the past and carrying around issues that have nothing to do with "C". You openly admit this. Yet, now you're trying to make it sound like you want to wait to test "C"'s intentions. This is BS. From what you say, he's done nothing but be patient and understanding. However, now because of crap that has nothing to do with him, he has to be put on "probation". He shouldn't have to sit around and wait while you deal with your past baggage.

 

Since you say that you have no idea when you'll be ready, do this guy a favor and break up with him. At least that way he can meet a woman who will be fully invested and not stuck in the past.

Edited May 24, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[preraph]

This is a perfect example of why you shouldn't judge anyone on their past numbers.

 

OP, you are not feeling this yet. You're also not feeling like having casual sex. So just don't. If you feel like you will never start feeling warm and fuzzy with this or any other guy, then break off with them. Usually a woman who is holding off having sex is trying to vet the guy to be sure he's not just only after sex because it's so hard to tell that by what they say. In your case, you are just not feeling it. If you really liked this guy and were really ready emotionally for love, you'd be feeling something by now.

 

Wait as long as you want to have sex. But I am saying don't have it if you aren't feeling it. What is the point of that? Maybe you're just not ready for love, but maybe he's just not the right guy for you, and I think it's probably the latter. Let him go.

[xpaperxcutx]

The first quote is you being honest. The second quote is you trying to deflect.

 

You're living in the past and carrying around issues that have nothing to do with "C". You openly admit this. Yet, now you're trying to make it sound like you want to wait to test "C"'s intentions. This is BS. From what you say, he's done nothing but be patient and understanding. However, now because of crap that has nothing to do with him, he has to be put on "probation". He shouldn't have to sit around and wait while you deal with your past baggage.

 

Since you say that you have no idea when you'll be ready, do this guy a favor and break up with him. At least that way he can meet a woman who will be fully invested and not stuck in the past.

 

I'm not testing his intentions. I told him I'm not ready to have sex and he told me he wouldn't rush me. How is that testing him?

 

I'm not living in my past. If I was I wouldn't be dating him. I actually would want to know him and not have sex be the end-all of what could be a good relationship. Again I have only officially dated him for a month. If you sleep with girls after 1-2 dates, that is you. That is not me. I'm not looking for sex.

 

I have also told him that he does not want to be with me he can leave me. I didn't keep him in the relationship just for him to deal with my "baggage". I have not unload any baggage on him. I have neither nagged nor kept him at bay. We're affectionate with each other. We just haven't had sex.

[fitnessfan365]

This is a perfect example of why you shouldn't judge anyone on their past numbers.

 

OP, you are not feeling this yet. You're also not feeling like having casual sex. So just don't. If you feel like you will never start feeling warm and fuzzy with this or any other guy, then break off with them. Usually a woman who is holding off having sex is trying to vet the guy to be sure he's not just only after sex because it's so hard to tell that by what they say. In your case, you are just not feeling it. If you really liked this guy and were really ready emotionally for love, you'd be feeling something by now.

 

Wait as long as you want to have sex. But I am saying don't have it if you aren't feeling it. What is the point of that? Maybe you're just not ready for love, but maybe he's just not the right guy for you, and I think it's probably the latter. Let him go.

 

This is a very good post pre.

 

Still though, I don't like how she is trying to change her tune. At first she admitted it was because issues in her past are making her scared to have sex. But now all of a sudden she is trying to say that "C" has to wait to prove he doesn't just want sex.

 

But it really has nothing to do with him. That's why it's unfair to make this guy sit around and wait while she deals with her past. If she isn't ready to have sex with anyone yet, she should stay single until she puts the past behind her IMO.

 

I'm not testing his intentions. I told him I'm not ready to have sex and he told me he wouldn't rush me. How is that testing him?

 

I'm not living in my past. If I was I wouldn't be dating him. I actually would want to know him and not have sex be the end-all of what could be a good relationship. Again I have only officially dated him for a month. If you sleep with girls after 1-2 dates, that is you. That is not me. I'm not looking for sex.

 

I have also told him that he does not want to be with me he can leave me. I didn't keep him in the relationship just for him to deal with my "baggage". I have not unload any baggage on him. I have neither nagged nor kept him at bay. We're affectionate with each other. We just haven't had sex.

 

1) Of course you're living in your past. You openly admit that you associate bad decisions in your past with having sex and that's why you're scared.

 

2) I said that you're trying to make it seem like it's a test of his intentions. You say "I don't want a relationship based on sex, so he'll have to be willing to wait". However, this is to deflect from the fact that your past is what's really making you hold back. It's got nothing to do with him.

Edited May 24, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[jen1447]

I don't get why some people want this thing to "end - do it now!" when it really has nothing to do with them. People's opinions and evaluations evolve. In fact, that's often part of the intent of posting here - to get feedback in order to help clarify thoughts. So nitpicking about changing stories or whatever is silly, given the context of the thread, and giving OP the third degree is frankly tactless.

[DoesntGetIt]

You were honest with the guy and that is really all that matters. Even if he hits a point where he decides waiting isn't for him, it was still the right move as you need to do what is right for you.

 

 

I typically haven't had to wait long at all for sex with new women I'm dating (a few were on the first date even).

 

 

I just started seeing someone who made it clear from early on that there would be no sex until/unless we decided to make us an actual relationship. I respect that and it hasn't changed my approach, and also hasn't made me rush to define the relationship just to get the sex. It is always good to be that upfront and honest so everyone is on the same page.

[kendahke]

OP: how long was the relationship that broke up 4 months ago?