When you're dating and you don't feel like having sex...

[Photofinish]

If you're not ready to have sex, then why be in a relationship?

 

I don't understand why a lot of women get into relationships or romantic circumstances with "one wing broken" and yet expect the guy to kind of help/assist you get over it and he's the one critiqued for not helping you and being as understanding as a butterfly because of it...basically helping yourself get over another guy or relationship, while with another guy...like wtf, how disrespectful or a slap in the face is that?...why even be in a romantic relationship then at all?

 

You're either ready for a relationship, or you're not...if you weren't in a hurry then you didn't need to jump into a relationship and yet you did, so you're clearly sending mixed messages...and then you're not even turned on or sexually interested then wtf? oh ok, it's because you ****ed so easy in the past, I get it...don't you think that's a further sign you shouldn't be with the guy or even in a relationship?

 

my goodness...who's got my gun? so i can shoot myself wrapping my mind around this kind of BS.

 

People need to stop just thinking of themselves and their own damn feelings/needs, and only what's in their best interest...just because you've been hurt and are damaged for whatever the reason may be, doesn't therefore give you the personal right to drag someone else through the mud, for your past drama...which has nothing to do with them.

 

Your past has NOTHING to do with the current relationship, so wtf...

 

why aren't the "past is the past" people around for this one? where are they when you need them. Oh right, it's only used when you're trying to sweep something under the rug rather than be accountable for something, that's right.

 

 

 

Just saying, the ones of who rings put on their fingers arent the ones who quick to jump into bed with just anyone.

And guess what? All the lessons from past relationships play into new ones. It's life. Live and learn

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TunaCat]

Forget what everyone who is saying to dump him is saying.

 

It is YOUR choice. You do not owe this man nothing. A relationship can thrive without sex. He wont die and would probably be willing to wait.

 

You're not ready do NOT let anyone pressure you . Wait as long as you need to . You dont need to tell him anything , if he wants to move to the next base tell him you're not ready. If he has a problem with this and you leave him because he doesnt care about you.

 

Why do people assume sex is mandatory for a relationship? If he cares more about sex then the relationship then he doesnt care about you. Period.

 

Yes, all this ^^

[La.Primavera]

I don't EXPECT anyone to sleep w/me or anyone else by date 4 or pick a number.

 

That is not what you said before..

 

Red flags would be SCREAMING at me if the girl I was dating didn't want to be intimate with me after a couple of weeks of dating.

 

 

I'm only going by what I've experienced and by what EVERYONE thinks is the norm is when adult people are dating.

 

It is fair enough to voice your opinion based on your own experiences but clearly not EVERYONE thinks the way you. You are generalizing.

[ascendotum]

I would be a lot more sympathetic if there was something about "C" that was giving you pause.

 

However, you're not ready yet because of bad decisions in your past that have nothing to do with him. So it's not really fair to make him wait around indefinitely because of your baggage. Since you don't know when you'll be ready because of your own issues, I don't know if you should stay with the guy to be honest. He sounds like a good guy and deserves a woman that will be fully invested in him and not stuck in the past. Just my .02...

I see this mindset with some of the women I know. They were fun loving types and often DTF for a good looker if they had had a few drinks (which is often how they met their guys). A number of those would turn into relationships. Often there was issues with the guy that cropped up after the honeymoon period and they had made not the best choices but were into the guy and committed to make it work. They also got cheated on a number of times. Now they are older they are going for a different type of guy but also at the same time they are holding off from allowing sex with their new dating rule. They have now flipped the other way, but they have it the wrong way around. They are penalizing the wrong guys based on the mistakes they made with a different type of guy prior. imo it wasn't so much a mistake from sleeping with guys too soon, but more a case of choosing the wrong guys and ignoring red flags then.

[ascendotum]

Red flags would be SCREAMING at me if the girl I was dating didn't want to be intimate with me after a couple of weeks of dating. Honestly, I think the most dates before I had sex with the girl was 4 and then she about raped me..lol.

 

I also think if she is not ready for sex and doesn't know when she will be she should cut the guy loose. There are going to be a lot of guys disappointed when they ask their new gf that question and hear back...I don't know when I'll be ready. It doesn't inspire a lot of confidence that the girl is all that enthusiastic for them or daydreams of a wicked lusty sex life in store for the future.

[Els]

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong at all with choosing to wait at all, OP. You're right - if he's the right guy for you, he will wait for as long as you need. And I think it's great that you're trying to make changes in your life.

 

But it does concern me a bit that you don't even get aroused at the thought of him. Oftentimes people wait not because they aren't aroused, but because they want to take their time and make sure they really have something good first. Savouring the journey and building a foundation, so to speak. You say he is 'attractive', but are you attracted TO him?

[SycamoreCircle]

If you're not ready to have sex, then why be in a relationship?

 

I don't understand why a lot of women get into relationships or romantic circumstances with "one wing broken" and yet expect the guy to kind of help/assist you get over it and he's the one critiqued for not helping you and being as understanding as a butterfly because of it...basically helping yourself get over another guy or relationship, while with another guy...like wtf, how disrespectful or a slap in the face is that?...why even be in a romantic relationship then at all?

 

You're either ready for a relationship, or you're not...if you weren't in a hurry then you didn't need to jump into a relationship and yet you did, so you're clearly sending mixed messages...and then you're not even turned on or sexually interested then wtf? oh ok, it's because you ****ed so easy in the past, I get it...don't you think that's a further sign you shouldn't be with the guy or even in a relationship?

 

my goodness...who's got my gun? so i can shoot myself wrapping my mind around this kind of BS.

 

People need to stop just thinking of themselves and their own damn feelings/needs, and only what's in their best interest...just because you've been hurt and are damaged for whatever the reason may be, doesn't therefore give you the personal right to drag someone else through the mud, for your past drama...which has nothing to do with them.

 

Your past has NOTHING to do with the current relationship, so wtf...

 

why aren't the "past is the past" people around for this one? where are they when you need them. Oh right, it's only used when you're trying to sweep something under the rug rather than be accountable for something, that's right.

But why not take this logic a step further? If you're not ready to marry, why initiate a relationship with someone? Why does sex have to be the barometer? Is sex the be-all, end-all of union? I don't believe so. I believe it's very vital, but it is a step in a relationship. The same way meeting someone's friends is a step or moving in with someone is a step.

 

Also, consider that there was a time when sexual union was not considered appropriate until after marriage. That's still true with some people and you might argue that it has its merits.

 

Personally, after being cheated on by someone I deeply cared for, I've developed the motto---the sooner they'll jump into bed with me, the sooner they'll jump into bed with someone else...

[Els]

But why not take this logic a step further? If you're not ready to marry, why initiate a relationship with someone? Why does sex have to be the barometer? Is sex the be-all, end-all of union? I don't believe so. I believe it's very vital, but it is a step in a relationship. The same way meeting someone's friends is a step or moving in with someone is a step.

 

Also, consider that there was a time when sexual union was not considered appropriate until after marriage. That's still true with some people and you might argue that it has its merits.

 

Personally, after being cheated on by someone I deeply cared for, I've developed the motto---the sooner they'll jump into bed with me, the sooner they'll jump into bed with someone else...

 

Disagree with the last sentence, but very much agreed with the first. IMO if someone literally equates a R with sex (ie the two are synonymous to them) they are much better off just having casual sex or a FWB. Rs will never last if the only thing holding the two people together is sex.

[elaine567]

I can see why you are hesitating, I guess you are not ready to open your heart to anyone as yet, and having sex with C will leave you vulnerable.

 

This may or may not work out for you both long term, but sometimes you just have to take some risks and get back on that horse that bucked you off so badly.

Not every man is abusive and C sounds like just the sort of guy to build up your confidence again and restore your faith in humanity.

 

BUT if you are genuinely not sexually attracted to him, then tell him and let him go find someone else.

He will be hurting and vulnerable too I guess, having also had a recent break up, so it is not fair to keep stringing him along as some sort of platonic "companion" whilst you recover.

[Ninjainpajamas]

But why not take this logic a step further?

 

You mean let's take this "logic" and completely twist it and manipulate it out of contact to make the following BS argument..

 

If you're not ready to marry, why initiate a relationship with someone? Why does sex have to be the barometer? Is sex the be-all, end-all of union? I don't believe so. I believe it's very vital, but it is a step in a relationship. The same way meeting someone's friends is a step or moving in with someone is a step.

 

You know what Sycamore, why even date? let's just get STRAIGHT to the wedding, I mean why have a barometer about everything right? why does sex, love, communication, or anything else for that matter...matter.

 

This isn't a "step by step" situation here, let's take all the Disney fantasy perfect world BS out of it.

 

Boy likes girl, girl rejects boy, boy gets hot under the collar and is in hot pursuit, settles for terms he probably wouldn't truly settle for, only so that he can regain his confidence and seal the deal with said girl who rejected him.

 

There's a ton of scenarios that could be taking place from here, and yet of course you go with the most "rational" choice of "logic"..based on pretty much wishful thinking.

 

Also, consider that there was a time when sexual union was not considered appropriate until after marriage. That's still true with some people and you might argue that it has its merits.

 

Oh please, this is 2015...unless you're in the middle east or apart of some religious background chances are you're not marrying the virgin Mary...and the OP is not intentional withholding on sex because of her "values" or beliefs in trying to solidify a more promising relationship, she simply just doesn't want to have sex with the guy...which begs the question, is this more emotional companionship than it is an actual romantic relationship? see that's a smart assumption based on the facts, not the bologny you're making up out of fantasy.

 

Personally, after being cheated on by someone I deeply cared for, I've developed the motto---the sooner they'll jump into bed with me, the sooner they'll jump into bed with someone else...

 

This has nothing to do with you with PERSONALLY, which is probably influencing the majority of your defensive and cautious approach to a romantic relationship...but this has nothing to do with you or this situation...for all you know this guy could be getting laid on the side, a virgin, a guy who's got so little options he's willing to shack up in a relationship without sex...because hey, at least one day it'll happen.

 

Most of life's wondrous and magical events are occurring from selfishness...not a selfless act.

 

There was no purpose in taking it to a romantic level, maybe...just maybe...she was afraid to lose him, therefore put him on reserve, maybe she just thought it was a good idea at the time...maybe she's in a vulnerable place and just doesn't want to admit it and did it out of a emotional moment rather than a clear conscious.

 

But no, this is just...just another valued and structured way of building a relationship off the admirable merits and values of a solid relationship ....yeah wtf ever.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Disagree with the last sentence, but very much agreed with the first. IMO if someone literally equates a R with sex (ie the two are synonymous to them) they are much better off just having casual sex or a FWB. Rs will never last if the only thing holding the two people together is sex.

 

I have to agree with the "The sooner they are wanting to jump in bed" part. But more so, that they've probably are sexually loose in nature. I wouldn't have sex with a woman on a first date that's for sure.

 

I get a kick out of how some men have this "3 date rule" where they require a woman to sleep with him in 3 dates or LAUNCH!

 

You cannot put a measurement on this kind of thing. And I agree, sex shouldn't be a "barometer" of where the relationship is going either.

 

I think that's part of the problem with relationships these days, too.

[Lois_Griffin]

Jeez, some people are acting like the guy is going to freakin' DIE if he doesn't get sex NOW. He's so deprived - a WHOLE 4 or 5 dates and he hasn't gotten horizontal yet????

 

Cruel and unusual punishment, that. It's akin to waterboarding the poor, hapless soul.

 

Amazingly enough, he'll survive. No, really ... he will.

[BluEyeL]

You shouldn't worry about it. Men who really like you and are interested in a relationship with you will wait until you're ready and will not be that crass as to force themselves on you. They'll know that sex will come because they're not in it to hit it and quit it in a few months. The other ones, who treat you like you owe them sex asap can go. They are not worth your time so if the guy leaves, you can tell him not to let the door hit him in the arse.

 

I always waited a rather long time to have sex and that's in your best interest. When looking for a relationship, you'll meet a lot of men and you're not obligated to sleep with all or any of them. Don't have sex until you know the guy's values and you are ready to be in a relationship with him. Dating is though for women looking for a serious relationship and only worry about yourself not about how soon the guy is entitled to sex. That worked for me.

 

Ninja said that the only men looking for love are not confident, not good looking etc etc etc. I guess that's fine then, stay away from the uber confident and super good looking, since they're not looking for love what's the point in effing them? Confident and good looking doesn't mean squat for a long term union. Kind, caring, stable (emotionally, financially), intelligent, not looking for novelty al the time, are the traits to look for. Someone who cares about you. And someone who cares about you will not push you to have sex before you're ready.

[Maleficent]

Men conplain when their new partner "gave it away too easy" to others but when their new partner wants to take it slow with them it's an entirely different story, isn't it?

 

OP, if you aren't ready, don't do it. You've been with this man for a few weeks. You have sex with him when you are ready. Period.

It's also perfectly normal to not be sure if this man is the right man for you - you barely know him! It's also normal for him to be attracted to you and want to have sex. As long as he is not pressuring you/guilt tripping you into it.

 

If you like him, keep seeing him. You'll open up eventually.

 

If you don't like him this much and you still need time to yourself, let him go- it will be best for both of you.

 

(It's also ok if you need a little more time to figure it out too)

[Els]

 

Ninja said that the only men looking for love are not confident, not good looking etc etc etc.

 

 

I wonder how confident in himself someone genuinely is, to feel the need to try and paint all men who are different from himself as 'ugly and lacking in confidence'.

 

Anyway, the OP needn't even worry about that. From observation, ugly and insecure men are every bit as likely/unlikely to only want sex as good-looking or secure men. In fact, I think the odds of insecure men only wanting sex is higher, IMO. They feel like they have to 'prove themselves' to some hypothetical audience by racking up the notches on the bedpost because they perceived that they were always 'behind'.

Edited May 24, 2015 by Elswyth

[katiegrl]

What is the difference between these two statements:

 

1. When a man tells a woman he is not "ready* for a relationship, what he is really saying is....I am NOT that into YOU to want to have a relationship WITH YOU....

 

Which is very true....and what LS members have been drilling into us ever since I joined.

 

and....

 

2. When a woman tells a man she is not "ready" for sex, what she is really saying is is ....I am NOT that into you (attracted TO) you to want to have sex WITH YOU.

 

So why the hell should a guy continue investing time, energy, money in a woman who is NOT attracted TO him? That would be kind of dumb don't you think?

 

Why are the woman's feelings the only feelings to be considered? Does the man not have feelings also?

 

And does not a man have the right to reject such woman without being called god only knows what for simply wanting the woman he is dating to be attracted to him? Is this too much to ask?

 

I am not talking about a few dates...but if a man is doing everything right, consistently dating her, showing her he cares, and after an entire MONTH of this, a woman is still "not ready," then I am sorry, that woman is just not attracted to him, and he should dump her for THAT.. not because if the lack of sex...

 

No of course he won't die without sex...but if he continues dating a woman who is not attracted to him, he *is* setting himself up for heartbreak...

[jen1447]

 

The notion that a relationship HAS to include sex - universally, for everyone - is patently ridiculous. No one speaks for everyone, no one speaks for their sex, and no one speaks for any other individual. This is solely between OP and her guy, and if they're fine with it, that's all that's 'required' to make it acceptable.

 

OP's being honest with him. No issues there as long as he can be honest with her and their mutual honesty is allowed to expose any incompatibilities clearly.

 

Sometimes the theories and presumptuousness on here are hilarious.

[Els]

 

2. When a woman tells a man she is not "ready" for sex, what she is really saying is is ....I am NOT that into you (attracted TO) you to want to have sex WITH YOU.

 

Speak for yourself. Not all women are the same as you.

 

 

Why are the woman's feelings the only feelings to be considered? Does the man not have feelings also?

 

And does not a man have the right to reject such woman without being called god only knows what for simply wanting the woman he is dating to be attracted to him? Is this too much to ask?

Has anyone said that he has no right to leave? No one is advocating locking him in her basement, you know. All we're saying is that if he DOES leave, he's proving himself to be incompatible with her, so it is inconsequential.

 

I am not talking about a few dates...but if a man is doing everything right, consistently dating her, showing her he cares, and after an entire MONTH of this, a woman is still "not ready," then I am sorry, that woman is just not attracted to him, and he should dump her for THAT.. not because if the lack of sex...

They have only met once a week if I read the OP's post correctly. Typically 4 qualifies as 'a few'.

[katiegrl]

Speak for yourself. Not all women are the same as you.

 

 

 

Has anyone said that he has no right to leave?

 

 

 

They have only met once a week if I read the OP's post correctly. Typically 4 qualifies as 'a few'.

 

I asked what the difference is between numbers 1 and 2. Not a critique of number 2.

 

Thank you.

 

And actually yes it was implied that if a man leaves because the woman is "not ready". that said man is a DB who did not care about her and only wanted sex, which may not be the case at all...he simply did not wish to continue dating a woman who was not attracted to hi!..

 

I am not just talking about the OP...jen is right, that is between them.

 

I am talking in general...

[PrettyEmily77]

OP, I was in your BF's shoes until very recently. We've been together 2 months and he was very clear with me from the start that it would take him some time to get intimate and I really appreciated his honesty. I'd fallen for him a month in so was more than willing to wait. I let him initiate anything to do with intimate stuff and I'm glad I did; it was completely worth the wait because we both felt comfortable and it was all very natural and when it actually happened, I wasn't worried I'd rushed him into it because he was in total control. Bottom line is don't have sex if you don't feel like having sex - if he's happy with it, he'll wait.

[central]

If you're not ready, then wait. You may lose C eventually, though, if he gets tired of waiting, knowing that there are other good women who aren't conflicted. But if that happens, you may not be ready to date at all.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am in exactly the same position OP. Dating same amount of time and I am not ready for sex. We kiss/make out/cuddle/hold hands. For me, it's nothing to do with lack of attraction or being hurt by another relationship. I simply don't enjoy sex unless I am emotionally connected. My guy is willing to wait (we had this conversation).

 

I was always wired this way. I do admit that under 3 dates or 3-5 dates culture made me feel like there is something wrong with me. So in the past I did push myself into having sex earlier than I was ready. Those were really empty experiences and left me feeling depressed. Now that I am older, I don't care about what culture and society thinks as much anymore. I do things that feel right to me and guys that don't want to wait are free to go

[katiegrl]

If you're not ready, then wait. You may lose C eventually, though, if he gets tired of waiting,

 

***knowing that there are other good women who aren't conflicted***

 

. But if that happens, you may not be ready to date at all.

 

Quote in asterisk.... exactly!

 

Either (1) she is not attracted to him, (2) is too conflicted/has too many issues (trust among others), and/or (3) she does not like sex.

 

None of which bode well for embarking on a new relationship with anyone!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, if you're taking things "slow" you don't relationship status your situation after 4-5 dates...that's pretty counter-productive to the pace you're trying to set here.

 

He was also "upgraded" from friends status...which already tells you a little bit about the interest level there.

 

She's obviously in a vulnerable state, afraid to be hurt, afraid to share emotion and doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes in the past...which is pretty much every other girl on planet earth, but she's know the guy as a "friend" for several months...it's not like she doesn't know the guy, it's not like she doesn't have an opportunity to "get to know him" and all of that as things are the way they were...so why the relationship status after 4-5 dates? what was wrong with just dating?

 

This is common people, this is your typical rebound relationship...It's not about getting to know him, it's about her feelings of vulnerability, this has nothing to do with him, he's just along for the ride.

 

This guy isn't it, he's the filler guy between "broken wing" and "spreading your wings" back into the sky...this is NOT about taking time, or getting to know the guy. If she was serious about that, then she wouldn't have jumped into a relationship after such a short time, because she knows she isn't healed, but she's trying to have the cake and eat it too as many would like to say...this is how women cake it, "work on themselves", while in a relationship.

 

The guys going to be used, I highly doubt she's going to truly fall for him...she might end up convincing herself for some time, but it's not going to be this like deep love kind of thing, it just doesn't work like this, this is a relationship of comfort, convenience, compassion and understanding, but more importantly a variation of the rebound.

 

Once people realize that's what it's really about...then all this nonsense about not sleeping with someone in order to be a relationship will go away, this is not what you think this is about and yet this is the main argument being made because people are not reading between the lines and understanding WHY and WHERE this is coming from. You're just riding your white horse of virtue and principles which is just your own personal unrelated perspective based on separate and personal reasons and perspectives.

Edited May 24, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas

[katiegrl]

I am in exactly the same position OP. Dating same amount of time and I am not ready for sex. We kiss/make out/cuddle/hold hands. For me, it's nothing to do with lack of attraction or being hurt by another relationship. I simply don't enjoy sex unless I am emotionally connected. My guy is willing to wait (we had this conversation).

 

I was always wired this way. I do admit that under 3 dates or 3-5 dates culture made me feel like there is something wrong with me. So in the past I did push myself into having sex earlier than I was ready. Those were really empty experiences and left me feeling depressed. Now that I am older, I don't care about what culture and society thinks as much anymore.

 

** I do things that feel right to me and guys that don't want to wait are free to go**

 

As well you should! We should all only do things that are right for us. Including men, should they choose to exit... WITHOUT being called DB's who don't care and who are only out for sex.

 

We all want to feel *safe* emotionally....and fact is many men interpret a woman not being ready as meaning she is just not into him.

 

SAME as when a man tells a woman he is not ready for relationship. To most women that translates to -- he is not that into ME to want a relationship with me...

 

No difference.

 

p.s. ES....good for you for having clear communication with you partner! So he knows you *are* attracted to him! So important...