not attracted to girlfriend anymore

[breakingsymmetry]

Same thing happened to me. My first official GF ever was at 21 she was 19. She was 6'1" and around 240-250 at least. It was her mind that got me. I was able to talk to her about things I never spoke with from any woman. But then, I learned that I wasn't attracted to her physically as I was supposed to. So I broke it off. Because if we stayed together it would've been a disaster. Plus I didn't want to waste her time when she could be off finding a better guy that wants her for how she is.

 

You know, had we been younger, I think our attitudes would have been very different for us both.

[breakingsymmetry]

There is no such thing as heredity obesity, ask any legitimate physician and he/she will tell you. Yes there is a slight metabolism difference between people but its a very minor thing in the big picture and it certainly doesn't mean some people are naturally obese.

 

I know her mom and dad both suffered from weight issues and weight-related health issues. She only really put on the weight after she was sexually assaulted a while back and made herself unattractive as a defense mechanism. She had determined to lose the weight to keep herself healthy shortly before meeting me. The only reason I even suggest hereditary reasons is that she's only lost around 4 pounds or so after 1.5 years of pretty hardcore workouts, but I know that diet is definitely a factor and that's something we've been paying more attention to.

[Phoe]

Calorie intake is likely at play. Like another poster mentioned, weighing food and counting every single calorie is the only way to know for sure. If calories are being properly calculate for a deficit, then yes, there is a health problem at play.

 

But you mentioned juicing, which leads me to believe it may just be a calorie issue. Juicing can be VERY calorie dense. It is easy for one serving from a juicer to have a ridiculous amount of calories. Sure, you're getting vitamins and nutrients, but there's a lot of calories packed into that juice.

[you_can_not_see_me]

I know her mom and dad both suffered from weight issues and weight-related health issues. She only really put on the weight after she was sexually assaulted a while back and made herself unattractive as a defense mechanism. She had determined to lose the weight to keep herself healthy shortly before meeting me. The only reason I even suggest hereditary reasons is that she's only lost around 4 pounds or so after 1.5 years of pretty hardcore workouts, but I know that diet is definitely a factor and that's something we've been paying more attention to.

like I said working out doesn't lead to weight loss, its all about a good diet. I used to be obese myself at one point, granted only 230lbs at 5'9 and not 300lbs at 5'6. but the deal is the same. you start cutting down on portions and stick to it no matter what! and its important not to starve yourself cause it backfires.

 

This is the reason women statistically have a harder time with weight loss than men. Men approach weight loss more methodologically on average than women and stick to it. lots of women starve themselves one day then say ****ed it the other and pig out. Calories don't discriminate, if someone is fat its because they eat unhealthy and their caloric intake is too high.

 

Don't hound her about losing weight but get the message across that she has to take it seriously, its not something she can put off

[fitnessfan365]

I gotta say man, something seems off.

 

Are you actually seeing her workout all the time, or are you just taking her word for it? Also, what are her eating habits like and how many calories per day is she consuming? For all you know,she is making daily trips to the drive through or going to the movies when she claims to be going to the gym.

 

Regardless of "slow metabolism" or "genetics" if she was training as much as she claims with proper calorie intake, she'd be dropping a hall of a lot more than 4lbs in 18 months. Especially considering that larger people have an easier time dropping more weight initially. Weight loss slows when you have dropped weight and get in better and better shape. That's why it's always harder to lose the last five than the first 50. So something tells me that she's telling you what you want to hear and not really doing as much as she claims.

[Ruby Slippers]

Decide if you can accept and love her as is or not. She's almost certainly not going to change. Most obese people remain obese, even if they make great efforts to lose weight. Fat Is Officially Incurable (According to Science) | Cracked.com

[La.Primavera]

If the biggest issue is in the bedroom, perhaps you need to spend more time in there to fix things. There are other ways of experiencing physical intimacy that doesn’t have to result in intercourse. You could spend time exploring new pleasures and fantasies with each other.

 

A few ideas are;

talking dirty,

dressing up,

role playing,

bondage,

blindfolds,

feathers,

candle wax,

oral sex,

erotic massage.

 

You are only limited by your imagination!

 

Without the pressure of intercourse, you are free to enjoy exploring new ways of sharing pleasure. You might find new turn-ons that it brings you closer together and awaken your desire in different ways.

 

I am only suggesting this because you say you love this woman and want to make it work. You aren’t going to improve the lack of sexual interest by doing nothing.

 

Think outside the box, the kinkier the better! Give everything a go. Most importantly, have fun!

 

If you try everything but nothing improves, I think you should let her go.

[SolG]

OP, I empathise. It's not easy not being physically attracted to someone you truly love. I don't know why everyone is so coy about it, but the visual counts. I'm not saying we should be all applying the beauty myth whole scale; but being honest about an expectation of maintaining physical attraction as appropriate is a good thing when it maters to us. To not say so is far more damaging IMO.

 

Firstly, it's not at all unusual to easily be able to overlook things we otherwise wouldn't in the intensity of the first blush of love. In fact, it's normal because the chemical rush induces us to do so. It is the norm for those in limerance to focus exclusively on the good points of our partners. Nature makes it that way so we with our rose coloured glasses reproduce.. And then have to stick around to protect offspring. Our social context may have changed, but biology is still catching up. So don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Now for the practical... If you want your SO to do this, you need to be all in. You need to be her number one fan and supporter unflaggingly. And you don't get to just be a cheerleader, you JOIN her to show your comittment and love. What she eats, you eat. When she trains, you train. (Btw, working out with your lover... Sexy as!) You track your macros and calories and progress together, you get a workout and diet plan and make each other stick to it.

 

See professionals... A Dr and a qualified dietician to tailor what will work for you. We're all different and you need a personalised approach that accounts for your biology. Stay away from fads!

 

One thing I will say as an utter amateur... Woking out four times a day is nuts. You need to build muscle to burn fat; if you're not giving priority to strength (especially the big muscle groups like quads) any cardio you do is going to be really inefficient. There should be no need to workout any more than once or twice a day; just do it right!

 

You will notice my language here.. I use the pronoun 'you' a lot. And that's because I do believe that if you really want a long and fulfilling future with this woman and this weight issue is standing in the way... YOU will get out there with her and make it happen. You don't say honey you need to e excise because you're too fat... You say honey we're going to the gym. Let's go! Make it a shared bonding as opposed to judgement exercise.

 

Good luck!

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, I empathise. It's not easy not being physically attracted to someone you truly love. I don't know why everyone is so coy about it, but the visual counts. I'm not saying we should be all applying the beauty myth whole scale; but being honest about an expectation of maintaining physical attraction as appropriate is a good thing when it maters to us. To not say so is far more damaging IMO.

 

Firstly, it's not at all unusual to easily be able to overlook things we otherwise wouldn't in the intensity of the first blush of love. In fact, it's normal because the chemical rush induces us to do so. It is the norm for those in limerance to focus exclusively on the good points of our partners. Nature makes it that way so we with our rose coloured glasses reproduce.. And then have to stick around to protect offspring. Our social context may have changed, but biology is still catching up. So don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Now for the practical... If you want your SO to do this, you need to be all in. You need to be her number one fan and supporter unflaggingly. And you don't get to just be a cheerleader, you JOIN her to show your comittment and love. What she eats, you eat. When she trains, you train. (Btw, working out with your lover... Sexy as!) You track your macros and calories and progress together, you get a workout and diet plan and make each other stick to it.

 

See professionals... A Dr and a qualified dietician to tailor what will work for you. We're all different and you need a personalised approach that accounts for your biology. Stay away from fads!

 

One thing I will say as an utter amateur... Woking out four times a day is nuts. You need to build muscle to burn fat; if you're not giving priority to strength (especially the big muscle groups like quads) any cardio you do is going to be really inefficient. There should be no need to workout any more than once or twice a day; just do it right!

 

You will notice my language here.. I use the pronoun 'you' a lot. And that's because I do believe that if you really want a long and fulfilling future with this woman and this weight issue is standing in the way... YOU will get out there with her and make it happen. You don't say honey you need to e excise because you're too fat... You say honey we're going to the gym. Let's go! Make it a shared bonding as opposed to judgement exercise.

 

Good luck!

 

Except, when someone that is 300+ pounds drops half of their body weight or so, there will be loose skin. OP will probably be turned off by that. I really don't see the point of being in a romantic relationship with someone you are not attracted to. It's cruel and won't end well.

[Diezel]

Break up with her.

 

To be fair, this is entirely your fault. You created this situation. You should have never moved in with her. Moving in already creates a "hit" on attraction because you have to see them all the time... at their best and their worst. And now you realize this is what you have to live with forever.

 

You don't like it.

 

Let's be honest. You stayed with her, partially, because she told you from the beginning that she was going to lose the weight, and you stuck because you thought it would happen. Time has passed and it hasn't, and you are slowly becoming disappointed with that.

 

I'm sorry. Maybe she misled you, maybe she didn't... the point is, you were hoping for an end product and now that it hasn't happened, you want to end this.

 

Then end this, and stop dancing around the issue.

 

Because right now, she says she is doing all the work, but you can't be around to police her activities/calorie intake either. So best be done with this or you BOTH will be miserable together.

[Trishern]

As someone who's struggled with my weight most of my life, I really feel sorry for your GF, but you need to feel the attraction towards her, otherwise it's doomed.

 

 

I'm always ting to loose weight, but my H has always been attracted to me and his desire for me has never waned.

 

 

 

 

Even when you start a weight loss plan or other diet, it isn't that easy to stick to. If it was, no one would be fat.

 

 

Maybe she could try a weight loss support group like, weightwatchers, where they meet weekly. When you work so hard to loose the weight, you'll try hard to keep it off.

[No_Go]

OP, forget about the statement that the natural weight is the healthiest.

 

Let's be real: your woman is not chubby, she is morbidly obese. Every day this weight is taking a toll on her health, and her longevity. Unless she does something about it... this will end badly for her, not talking about your relationship but her health.

 

If you love her and I believe you do, you should find a way to send her to a doctor. One way to approach it, if you're discussing kids in the future - this weight will affect her fertility, and she should act fast on it. It can hurt to put it that way, but at least is objective and does not addresses attractiveness.

 

I really hope she loses the weight. From all you described, it will be worthwhile to try to save the relationship. Just look at it as a health problem, because that it what it is.

 

I'm 6'2" and 230 or so, and I'm pretty stocky now with some chub around the waist. I was always a fat kid though. I still remember when I was over 300 and struggling to breath while just walking to the bus stop, and all the looks I would get from strangers. It's easy not to judge after a few years of that.

 

We always said no surgical procedures because natural weight loss is the healthiest. I hope it doesn't resort to that.

[ladyabstrused]

Well, I'll take my share of the blame that this whole unfair situation has become. In my defense, all I say is that when I met her she told me she was already on the path of weight loss, for her own health and appearance. I just encouraged it because I mean, was I not supposed to? We were discussing futures and children within weeks of meeting, and she knew how dangerous it was for her to have children when she's approaching 40 and overweight. I have genuinely encouraged her because she has diabetes and heart problems in her family and I wanted her to be around longer for me to love.

 

And honestly, I don't know why it suddenly became this way. Even as she moved in with me I was still willing to have sex with her even though it wasn't as enjoyable for me, because I loved her, and we always joked about how crazy things would get once she loses the weight and we steal a copy of the Kama Sutra. It probably was very selfish of me to hang onto a relationship with a faltering sex life, but I thought it was normal at first. I mean, how many couples maintain their 3-times a night schedule a year after sleeping together everyday?

 

When I read this, I thought to myself, you must've entered this relationship projecting an ideal relationship you would have with your girl. You may think you love her for who she is, but do you really? Or are you in love with the ideal woman you think she should be? Don't fool yourself... or be in denial here. Cos if this is the case, let her go or you'll end up breaking her damn heart.

 

If that isn't the case, then you find ways to work on your sex life with each other and make sure you communicate with one another about it.

 

Get yourself a rock hard body first. Then she'll feel scared she'll lose you and lose weight herself.

 

I think this could be one of the ways you could motivate her to keep going more and more. I know that when I had a close friend who was obsessed with working out and always showing off his toned body, I wanted to look just as good and it really helped motivate me. Then again, might work for some, might not for others. Worth a shot though. Your hard work in keeping fit and toned might influence her to do the same.

 

Good luck, OP.

[LadyDeadpool]

You need to be honest with her. Tell her that her weight is effecting your sex drive, and make sure you convey just how much it is effecting you. If she throws a fit about it, tell her that she has two options:

 

1. Really commit to a weight loss programme. Make sure she knows you will do whatever you can to support her in this.

 

2. Dump her. If she doesn't love you enough to try (as your problem isn't just you wishing she was a bit skinnier, it's that it is litteraly messing with your ability to physicaly love her, and to some extent, emotionally love her) you shouldn't risk your own happiness.

 

I know you love her, but it should be a two way street. She needs to meet you halfway.

Edited May 22, 2015 by LadyDeadpool

[Lois_Griffin]

If she's supposedly counting her calories and working out and doing everything she can to lose weight and it's still not coming off, then she's eating during the day and/or when you're not around.

Barring the usual medical reasons for not losing weight, the general rule is pretty simplistic - the less going in, the less weight one carries. It's simple physics.

 

Let's be fair. She's 38 years old and has been overweight her whole entire life, probably. This is a lifetime of bad eating habits. She didn't just wake up a couple years ago and find herself morbidly obese. That was your first red flag when you met her and believed she was on a 'path to weight loss.' She had 38 years to do it before she met you and she hadn't, so why you'd believe that statement is beyond me.

 

I can't tell you how many times over the years I've known overweight people who CONSTANTLY indulged in things they shouldn't be eating and then complained bitterly about how they've been 'so good' and 'can't understand why they're still fat.' One still had the powdered sugar from her last donut on her lips when she was whining about not being able to lose weight, I kid you not. Smh.

[GA000 Jenny]

The truth, the sad truth is that appearance matters. Yes we are all good and we feel so good when we say that we want a good-natured person, a soul mate, that how he/she looks like doesn't really matter, but if you examine the situation from a rational point of view, you will see that appearance matters a lot.

Why?

Because we are attracted to individuals who represent the best reproductive partner. It's not a surprise that we wish to have sex with handsome men and gorgeous women: our body is telling us, I want those genes, I want to have a son or a daughter who looks like him / her.

There is more to that. The appearance reveals the inner health status of a person. And again, we are attracted to individuals who appear to be the healthiest (good body, clear skin, no obvious signs of disease).

Why?

Because our body is telling us that a healthy individual is the ideal mother/father. It doesn't matter whether you have sex for pleasure or to have babies, it's automatic.

Now to your particular situation. I am actually astonished that you managed to overcome your instincts and got together with her in the first place.

But friend, don't feel guilty if you don't desire her any more. That's the law of nature. I couldn't even conceive of dating someone in that weight class, let alone of going any further.

Yes I understand that she is loving, sweet etc etc, but unfortunately her appearance doesn't help.

So I suggest you find the kindest possible way to leave her, if possible without hurting her.

[introverted1]

Thanks. I'll remember that next time if I end up in another relationship, now that I've apparently discovered how shallow I am.

 

I totally disagree and hope you are not serious about this self-assessment.

[minime13]

I gotta say man, something seems off.

 

Are you actually seeing her workout all the time, or are you just taking her word for it? Also, what are her eating habits like and how many calories per day is she consuming? For all you know,she is making daily trips to the drive through or going to the movies when she claims to be going to the gym.

 

Regardless of "slow metabolism" or "genetics" if she was training as much as she claims with proper calorie intake, she'd be dropping a hall of a lot more than 4lbs in 18 months. Especially considering that larger people have an easier time dropping more weight initially. Weight loss slows when you have dropped weight and get in better and better shape. That's why it's always harder to lose the last five than the first 50. So something tells me that she's telling you what you want to hear and not really doing as much as she claims.

 

I have an older sister who, for about 8 weeks, was on an intense weight loss (and work out) regimen. At the end of that 8 weeks, she had not only NOT lost weight, but she lost muscle mass and gained fat. It baffled her.

 

After seeking the help of a personal trainer and a nutritionist, she found the issues. She wasn't eating enough, and wasn't eating the right foods. She skipped out on a lot of protein - which ended up making her body burn her body's protein sources (muscles) and cut her muscle density. Not eating enough, period, caused her body to hold onto fat (women's bodies are more prone to doing this). Simply doing aerobic exercise without weight training further caused her to put in more effort than necessary, and contributed to losing muscle mass.

 

Moderate exercise and dieting can keep you in shape, or get you into shape. Extreme exercise and dieting can be more harmful, and can keep you from losing that weight.

 

When someone is trying to achieve rapid weight loss (especially women, who are naturally prone to have bodies that store fat than men), it's always good to get proper diet and exercise assessments. That would also rule out possible medical conditions, as well.

 

To the OP: counseling is a good step. You need to find out of this really is just about her weight, or if it has triggered deeper issues that you worry about. From the way you talked about her in your original post, it seems very worthwhile to try to work it out.

 

For her own health and benefit (if she wants to have children, obesity has an effect on fertility and pregnancy risks), she may want to see a nutritionist along with a personal trainer, as well as a physical from a doctor. Those are the healthiest steps to weight loss. Best of luck with all of this.

[stillafool]

If she's supposedly counting her calories and working out and doing everything she can to lose weight and it's still not coming off, then she's eating during the day and/or when you're not around.

Barring the usual medical reasons for not losing weight, the general rule is pretty simplistic - the less going in, the less weight one carries. It's simple physics.

 

 

I agree with this. There's no way she's not eating but still can't lose the weight. You said she has a job working from home and I think this is part of the problem. When you aren't there she is snacking and maybe watching cooking shows. My sister in law is severely overweight and everytime she sees me she complains that she isn't losing the weight. She says she walks 2 miles a day, eats only vegetables. It's impossible that she's doing this and is larger each time I see her. I agree that she is 38 and if she really wanted to lose the weight she would have started before she met you.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, there is absolutely nothing shallow about you in the least. In fact, most men wouldn't have dated her in the first place. You saw much more than the physical.

 

It is UP TO HER to be healthy and do everything she can to be attractive to you. Whining and crying because you aren't physically attracted to a morbidly obese woman is not going to get her anywhere. People are saying you should just love her and be attracted to her as she is - ridiculous. It takes WORK to be a good partner, and that means being healthy and as attractive as is reasonable. Being in a relationship isn't a free pass to do absolutely nothing to improve yourself and/or keep yourself fit and healthy and just expect the other person to love it or even live with it. It doesn't matter if you were initially attracted to her - now you're not, and it's perfectly understandable why.

 

At her weight her basal metabolic rate must be pretty high, so any kind of calorie reduction below that and she should be losing weight. Certainly more than 4 pounds in a year and a half. Barring some serious thyroid problems, the issue is that she is somehow eating more than you realize she is. A pound is 3500 calories - it's simple math. Every calorie she burns through exercise, plus any deficit below her basal metabolic rate, will burn fat. It will count toward that 3500 calories and the pounds will drop.

 

Sure, metabolism can slow and stall and the metabolic rate can go down, but she should just keep changing it up to avoid that. Over the long haul, even with some metabolic stalls, the weight will come off. Expend more calories than you take in. It's simple - exercise, cut out simple sugar/carbs, plenty of lean protein and LOTS of veggies and fiber. She WILL lose weight if she does that - clearly she isn't.

 

You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with her. Just because you are a couple, you are not obligated to forever be physically attracted to a partner who refuses to take care of their health and appearance. Tell her that. Tell her you love her and want to work on this WITH her. That you can't see your future without her, but you also can't see your future going on this way with you not attracted to her, her health at risk, embarking on having a family with her at a very risky weight (risky for the BABY!).

 

She might not like it. She might cry. Hopefully though, it will be the kick in the pants she needs to DO SOMETHING because she needs to. If she doesn't, then you should move on. You can fix yourself, but you can't fix others; that's up to them.

[guest569]

OP, it sounds like you were never physically or sexually attracted to her. This is something that you cant change, and i doubt she can change it either. Candles, mood music, romantic dinners, toys and lingerie are not going to change this.

 

I don't think it is your place to throw about ultimatums "jokingly" and pressure her on this sensitive issue. If she dropped 200pounds, would you be attracted to her?

[Buddhist]

My 2 cents is it isn't her age of genetics preventing her from being of normal weight. It's something else. She should have her thyroid tested in the very least. If there is something going on there it will account for the lack of weight loss and also thyroid problems can lead to complications and early death. A 40yr old woman shouldn't have any trouble losing excess weight. That whole....your metabolism slows down when you age thing, isn't true. Medical conditions cause it, lifestyle factors cause it, not age. No-one is ever genetically fat, the human body is designed to carry normal weight not carry excess weight to that degree.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Buddhist

[TheGuard13]

You're not attracted to her physically. That doesn't make you shallow. What would make you shallow is if ALL you cared about was her level of attractiveness. That is clearly not the case here.

 

I've been there. I married a woman who was 6'1 and 220 pounds, which itself is overweight. She was a big girl, but she wore it well, had nice curves, and most importantly, she had confidence in her ability to turn me on and her sexual prowess. I wasn't initially all that attracted to her, but an attraction did grow steadily. However, she gained something like 80 pounds over the course of our dating/marriage, and by the time we divorced, was around 290. She still wore it well, but it was a massive turnoff and source of depression for us, not just because of the weight, but because of her ATTITUDE and feelings toward her own body, which was not a positive one. Even with the weight, our sex was amazing, until she started to get down on herself and would do things like stop sexual activity because she felt bad about herself.

 

I was young when I met her, and relatively inexperienced at dating and relationships and for too long, I labored under the delusion that what's inside a person will or should outweight the need to be physically attracted to your partner. This is what society tells us while it often does and reveals something entirely different.

 

I think you're between a rock and a hard place at this point. She hasn't done what she has obviously told you several times that she would try to do, and there's really no reason to believe she will. I doubt she's really tried, or she'd be having some kind of results, even if they were minimal. Women do not lose weight the same way men do. It happens much more gradually. In order for her to lose a decent amount of weight, it's going to take something drastic, like surgery, or serious commitment, including weight loss counseling on her end. And there's no guarantee that you will be attracted to her even then.

 

If you're talking about worrying about cheating, then you're probably noticing and pining for other women. If the attraction for her is going or gone, then you're basically friends at this point, and you should probably seriously consider breaking up. Yes, it's going to hurt her feelings and it will be rough, but imagine what a life of being with someone who she knows isn't attracted to her and may even resent her would do to her. She wouldn't be who you love anymore inside, even. She does indeed deserve to be loved for who she is. There are men out there who don't see weight as a huge issue. My ex-wife is with one of them now. Let yourselves find people you are compatible with.

 

What you do need to do, as hard as it is to talk about this with her, is stop "joking", and delivering ultimatums, or even referencing it much unless you're going to have a serious discussion. That's basically a form of abuse, and will only crush her self esteem and make things much, much worse.

Edited May 23, 2015 by TheGuard13

[kaylan]

Lol!! 5'6" and over 300 pounds. Unless you want your kids looking like the Michelin man, you best dump her and run for dear life. Lmfao.

LOL so mean, but I laughed.

 

OP, you shouldnt have settled on this girl in the first place. Lesson learned, dont commit to someone you arent sure about.