not attracted to girlfriend anymore

[breakingsymmetry]

It is pretty shallow to view it this way. You were physically attracted to her, and her looks haven't changed. Something has changed, and you don't feel attracted to her anymore. It's something that was lost, but don't just go picking out things about her physical appearance. It's probably something deeper than that.

 

I agree that if I suddenly turned shallow it's 100% my fault.

 

In all honesty I've been very afraid recently, because my mom was overweight and my dad cheated on her multiple times (he had his own reasons for cheating...not a very good person). I'm just panicking because I'm very similar to my dad in a lot of ways, and the thought of cheating on such a wonderful woman honestly scares me. My knee-jerk reaction would be to "let her go before I do something stupid" but I think I owe her more than to just drop her without working on it first. And I guess the weight thing is the most palpable and visible thing to change.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Well, I'll take my share of the blame that this whole unfair situation has become. In my defense, all I say is that when I met her she told me she was already on the path of weight loss, for her own health and appearance. I just encouraged it because I mean, was I not supposed to? We were discussing futures and children within weeks of meeting, and she knew how dangerous it was for her to have children when she's approaching 40 and overweight. I have genuinely encouraged her because she has diabetes and heart problems in her family and I wanted her to be around longer for me to love.

 

And honestly, I don't know why it suddenly became this way. Even as she moved in with me I was still willing to have sex with her even though it wasn't as enjoyable for me, because I loved her, and we always joked about how crazy things would get once she loses the weight and we steal a copy of the Kama Sutra. It probably was very selfish of me to hang onto a relationship with a faltering sex life, but I thought it was normal at first. I mean, how many couples maintain their 3-times a night schedule a year after sleeping together everyday?

 

When you met her, you say she "told you" that she was "on the path to weight loss". Um, how old are you? When you meet someone and they tell you that, you have to have the wisdom and maturity to realize that - although they may be telling you the truth - that the "path to weight loss" that they're "on" may take a while. A LONG while. Or maybe, that "path" may never reach it's destination. When you meet someone OP, you take them at the physicality that they're at - at the TIME that you meet them. People lose and gain weight. Some people lose too much weight. And some people gain even MORE weight. You should meet a woman whose CURRENT WEIGHT is sexually and physically attractive to you. Period.

 

And um, you were "still WILLING" to have sex with her as she moved in with you, even though "it wasn't AS ENJOYABLE to you"???? Excuse me?! The way you worded that, it's as if you feel you were SO doing her a "favor", even though poor you had to SACRIFICE your sexual ENJOYMENT in doing so???

 

Wow. I'm done with this thread. I'm going to abandon this sinking ship before I write something that I won't regret.

 

I wish the OP's "girlfriend" all the luck and blessings in the world. She's going to NEED IT.

 

 

.

[h0000]

Is she lazy? What's off-putting about fat people is usually of their laziness.

Why are you beating yourself up? You don't find her attractive why are you forcing yourself to? You can't help yourself and you don't have to. Also it's better for her to find someone who finds her attractive

Edited May 21, 2015 by h0000

[breakingsymmetry]

When you met her, you say she "told you" that she was "on the path to weight loss". Um, how old are you? When you meet someone and they tell you that, you have to have the wisdom and maturity to realize that - although they may be telling you the truth - that the "path to weight loss" that they're "on" may take a while. A LONG while. Or maybe, that "path" may never reach it's destination. When you meet someone OP, you take them at the physicality that they're at - at the TIME that you meet them. People lose and gain weight. Some people lose too much weight. And some people gain even MORE weight. You should meet a woman whose CURRENT WEIGHT is sexually and physically attractive to you. Period.

 

And um, you were "still WILLING" to have sex with her as she moved in with you, even though "it wasn't AS ENJOYABLE to you"???? Excuse me?! The way you worded that, it's as if you feel you were SO doing her a "favor", even though poor you had to SACRIFICE your sexual ENJOYMENT in doing so???

 

Wow. I'm done with this thread. I'm going to abandon this sinking ship before I write something that I won't regret.

 

I wish the OP's "girlfriend" all the luck and blessings in the world. She's going to NEED IT.

 

 

.

 

I'm just saying that it was never a lie or anything. We knew it would take time to lose weight naturally, in a healthy way. It's not like we said "lose 100 pounds in 6 months or it's over!". She knew it might take up to 2-3 years to get down to a healthy weight, and I was willing to still be with her throughout. I thought that I mentioned that we were talking very long term plans? I was willing to be with her for the rest of our lives.

 

And you know, just because sex wasn't super enjoyable wasn't a dealbreaker for me. She loved the sex, and I could have mediocre sex for the rest of my life if it means being with someone this amazing. Plus, like I said, we always talked about how much fun it will be later, and I was looking forward to it. I'm asking for advice because now there is ZERO sex, and that affect BOTH of us. If I ****ed up and have to break her heart to stop wasting our time, then that's what I'll do then. Thanks for the advice.

[breakingsymmetry]

Is she lazy? What's off-putting about fat people is usually of their laziness.

Why are you beating yourself up? You don't find her attractive why are you forcing yourself to? You can't help yourself and you don't have to. Also it's better for her to find someone who finds her attractive

 

I don't know. I don't think so, but I guess I feel guilty because if heartbreak is inevitable then it will really mess her up, and plus I don't like having to look at her and tell her that I don't find her as attractive anymore even though nothing changed about her.

[Thegreatestthing]

It's not her fault my friend is size 16 and eats nothing,whereas I eat chocolate bars for breakfast and am a size 6,some people really have a slow metabolism.

It's sweet that you were able to see beyond her weight.

[neowulf]

Firstly, OP, I want to commend you for trying to confront the issue.

 

The fact you're posting on here (and coping flack for it) tells me you honestly care deeply for this woman and are conflicted by how you feel. You are not the "bad guy" here for feeling this way.

 

Secondly, there's no shame in owning how you feel. For whatever reason, your feelings towards your girlfriend have changed. It happens. Feelings are not concrete things and often ebb and flow in relationships.

 

In a perfect world, we'd have control of how we felt. In reality, feelings pretty much do whatever they feel like.

 

If you've reached the point where you feel your attraction to her waning, then communication really is key. It isn't about ultimatums. It's about two people facing down the elephant in the room that will *kill* your relationship if you ignore it.

 

I think the best you can do is sit down and have heart to heart with your girlfriend. Tell her what you've told us. Explain that despite your best efforts, the attraction is waning and you desperately want to save the relationship.

 

Finally, if you reach the point where you can't make it work, then all you can do is let it go. I know it can be heart breaking to have to let go of someone you love, over a single, unavoidable deal breaker.

 

Best of luck OP. It's a difficult thing to go through.

[preraph]

Are you certain it's the weight ? Because at first you were okay with that. Are you sure it isn't something else that changed, like she became more of a mother figure? Because that will kill the ol sex drive in a hurry if you let that happen.

[h0000]

I don't know. I don't think so, but I guess I feel guilty because if heartbreak is inevitable then it will really mess her up, and plus I don't like having to look at her and tell her that I don't find her as attractive anymore even though nothing changed about her.

 

You shouldn't have even dated her at the beginning. Next time, don't even start.

 

Just because she didn't change, doesn't mean you will forever love her and doesn't mean you have to stick around

 

I think you should break up with her. Or you will end up miserable and eventually resent her for ruining your life.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I dont understand how someone who works out several times a day and is "pretty strict" with her diet cam weigh 300 lbs. Shed have to be eating 4k+ calories per day to maintain that. Either she is not wacthing what she eats, or there is a hormonal problem involved. Does she track her meals and has she been to a doctor recently?

 

I dont think you should stay with if youre not attracted to her. its not fair to you and its incredibky unfair to her. especially if she is interested in having children, please let her go while she still has the chance. She will resent you forever if you take it away from her spending years to figure out how to manage an unmanageable situation.

[minime13]

I agree that if I suddenly turned shallow it's 100% my fault.

 

In all honesty I've been very afraid recently, because my mom was overweight and my dad cheated on her multiple times (he had his own reasons for cheating...not a very good person). I'm just panicking because I'm very similar to my dad in a lot of ways, and the thought of cheating on such a wonderful woman honestly scares me. My knee-jerk reaction would be to "let her go before I do something stupid" but I think I owe her more than to just drop her without working on it first. And I guess the weight thing is the most palpable and visible thing to change.

 

So, this is where the conversation should be steered. You are afraid of following in your parents footsteps, and are scared to hurt her like that because of your feelings. This will manifest itself in many ways.

 

You can break a cycle, too.

[breakingsymmetry]

Firstly, OP, I want to commend you for trying to confront the issue.

 

The fact you're posting on here (and coping flack for it) tells me you honestly care deeply for this woman and are conflicted by how you feel. You are not the "bad guy" here for feeling this way.

 

Secondly, there's no shame in owning how you feel. For whatever reason, your feelings towards your girlfriend have changed. It happens. Feelings are not concrete things and often ebb and flow in relationships.

 

In a perfect world, we'd have control of how we felt. In reality, feelings pretty much do whatever they feel like.

 

If you've reached the point where you feel your attraction to her waning, then communication really is key. It isn't about ultimatums. It's about two people facing down the elephant in the room that will *kill* your relationship if you ignore it.

 

I think the best you can do is sit down and have heart to heart with your girlfriend. Tell her what you've told us. Explain that despite your best efforts, the attraction is waning and you desperately want to save the relationship.

 

Finally, if you reach the point where you can't make it work, then all you can do is let it go. I know it can be heart breaking to have to let go of someone you love, over a single, unavoidable deal breaker.

 

Best of luck OP. It's a difficult thing to go through.

 

Thanks. Honestly I expected to be cursed to hell and be called shallow. I appreciate all the feedback and honest opinions from everyone.

 

I've talked about it with her once and it was very tough. And it just wasn't resolved because there wasn't much we could do between us. We spent a lot of time together talking and gave each other some space to see if we missed each other (we did), and most of the time spent resulted in a lot of laughing and bonding, but as much as I'm appreciating and loving her it's just not working in the bedroom. I mean, I can think of anyone else and get aroused, but it just stay hard long enough for her. It's not a medical issue - I've had myself checked out, and sometimes my eyes wander so much I shouldn't drive.

 

I know there's no magic bullet to make one suddenly re-experience that honeymoon feeling. I just wish I knew definitely what has happened, or is happening.

[losangelena]

I think you said it yourself, that it's something about your parents' issues and it's a trigger. How much easier it is to blame her obesity.

 

As a formerly obese person, I'd imagine that she'd eventually feel quite resentful toward you if you only became attracted to her again as a trimmer person. Especially if she knows that you currently are feeling "meh" about her.

[losangelena]

Also, there's no magic bullet cure for this. And I doubt the solution is that she must lose weight. I think it's a great opportunity to delve into what's going on.

[neowulf]

I know there's no magic bullet to make one suddenly re-experience that honeymoon feeling. I just wish I knew definitely what has happened, or is happening.

 

I lost my last relationship to "bed death". We cared for each other very much, but in the end, we simply weren't compatible in that aspect and had to let the relationship go.

 

Sometimes, these things just happen. It's no one's fault. It's just one of those things. If you've lost the attraction for your partner and nothing you try is working to get it back.. then it's best for both of you to move on.

 

I do think a brief period of counselling might help you make peace with the situation and perhaps shed light on any triggers that might be playing into the situation.

 

Wish I had better news for you man, but life seldom cares about our plans. We just have to roll with the punches as best we can.

[ashy555]

Well... it seems its just her appearance which is a problem to you. You say she is your possible 'soulmate'. Don't let that go. Try and help her lose weight. Work together. Seeing as you are living together, you can try and change your diets. That on top of personal training will do you both wonders! Especially your gf who by the sounds of it is dangerously obese. I don't think you are shallow at all. But 300 pounds is A LOT of weight for a frame that small.

 

Don't tell her you want her to lose weight so you can be more attracted to her. If you generally want to marry her and have kids with her you have every right to talk to her about it as you don't want to grow up a widow.. You don't want your kids to grow up without a mother.

[Photofinish]

Lol!! 5'6" and over 300 pounds. Unless you want your kids looking like the Michelin man, you best dump her and run for dear life. Lmfao.

 

You're a terrible person.

[Popsicle]

Get yourself a rock hard body first. Then she'll feel scared she'll lose you and lose weight herself.

[whichwayisup]

You said this is hereditary, right? And she's lost four pounds recently? She is who she is. She will never be thin. She will always be hefty, her weight will go up and down depending on what is going on with her life, her hormones etc.

 

Somehow you need to figure out a way to accept her, weight and all and love her and the life you've already built with her, not worry about others or what they might think. Or end it now so you both can find love with someone else.

 

She's 38 years old and if she wants children one day, staying with her in hopes that 'some day' you might feel sexual towards her and that doesn't happen, fast forward - all of a sudden she's 40 and single, will be much harder for her to find a mate to settle down with, let alone have a baby.

 

Do counseling if need be.

 

Are you truly in love with her? The weight didn't bother you at first, you knew by getting involved from day one...

[you_can_not_see_me]

Losing weight isn't really about working out. Its all about diet and portions

 

Working out will tones you muscle and makes your heart healthier, but you won't lose weight by simply working out, cause working out just makes people hungrier and they eat more than usual, so they don't lose weight.

 

 

Op if your GF is serious about losing weight she has to cut down on her portions and avoid miscellaneous items she might eat through the day. A lot of fat people are in denial, they eat A LOT but they think its not much

[you_can_not_see_me]

You said this is hereditary, right? And she's lost four pounds recently? She is who she is. She will never be thin. She will always be hefty, her weight will go up and down depending on what is going on with her life, her hormones etc.

 

Somehow you need to figure out a way to accept her, weight and all and love her and the life you've already built with her, not worry about others or what they might think. Or end it now so you both can find love with someone else.

 

She's 38 years old and if she wants children one day, staying with her in hopes that 'some day' you might feel sexual towards her and that doesn't happen, fast forward - all of a sudden she's 40 and single, will be much harder for her to find a mate to settle down with, let alone have a baby.

 

Do counseling if need be.

 

Are you truly in love with her? The weight didn't bother you at first, you knew by getting involved from day one...

There is no such thing as heredity obesity, ask any legitimate physician and he/she will tell you. Yes there is a slight metabolism difference between people but its a very minor thing in the big picture and it certainly doesn't mean some people are naturally obese.

[WonderKid]

Same thing happened to me. My first official GF ever was at 21 she was 19. She was 6'1" and around 240-250 at least. It was her mind that got me. I was able to talk to her about things I never spoke with from any woman. But then, I learned that I wasn't attracted to her physically as I was supposed to. So I broke it off. Because if we stayed together it would've been a disaster. Plus I didn't want to waste her time when she could be off finding a better guy that wants her for how she is.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Relationship can never work where a man doesn't have a strong sexual attraction to a woman. Men are wired very differently to women. All men reading this, please don't enter a relationship with women that don't do it for you.

 

Gaining weight while in a relationship is one thing; staying the same weight and you now lost attraction because of the weight? Sorry dude, you get no sympathy from me. I don't think you are being noble at all. You are stringing this poor woman along and are going to break her heart in the end. You have also already took 1.5 years out of her life. She could have had that time to meet someone that is attracted to her in every way. Ugh

[breakingsymmetry]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

We had another talk this evening that ended with another round of tears, which is never fun. Basically I suggested counseling to see if it is truly the weight that's bothering me, or something else. She's willing to try it, so I hope it all works out.

[breakingsymmetry]

Relationship can never work where a man doesn't have a strong sexual attraction to a woman. Men are wired very differently to women. All men reading this, please don't enter a relationship with women that don't do it for you.

 

Gaining weight while in a relationship is one thing; staying the same weight and you now lost attraction because of the weight? Sorry dude, you get no sympathy from me. I don't think you are being noble at all. You are stringing this poor woman along and are going to break her heart in the end. You have also already took 1.5 years out of her life. She could have had that time to meet someone that is attracted to her in every way. Ugh

Thanks. I'll remember that next time if I end up in another relationship, now that I've apparently discovered how shallow I am.