Married twice...red flag?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Not always. I'm divorced, and I happily name my faults to any potential partner. I'd rather let her know now, and if she isn't happy, she can choose not to date me. Besides, even a one sided story can be very telling.

 

I have also heard a lot of women that were pretty proud of the fact that they just up and walked out on their marriages.

 

 

 

Exactly. I admit that I am partly at fault for my first marriage ending, even though my wife was the one who was not faithful. We all have our faults. The people who act like their failed marriage is all because of their douchebag ex are the ones you need to avoid. Most decent people admit their part in things going sour, even if the blame ultimately does rest with the other party.

 

Right...quite recently, I went on a date with a woman that I got to know, very nice, great personality, and even would like to see her again. She said she was married twice.

 

I didn't , at the time, want to get into asking her "Why did both of your marriages end?" on our FIRST date, but if we go out another time, I intend on asking the reason.

 

The reason I kind of hesitate on this is because marriages and even relationships are quite frequent and people don't seem to take marriage all too seriously or bail very easily when the going gets tough.

 

Disposable marriages as they call them. Some just "grow apart" or some just trade in for a newer model *shrug*. Which is likely the more common reasons people divorce.

 

Some marriages just get stale...no on cheats or anything drastic hasn't been happening IN their marriages, but at least one of the person gets bored of the other and say to the other, "I don't think this is working."

 

I had one that expressed that they simply didn't want to be married, in general, anymore.

 

Usually having been divorced on more than one occasion is an indicator of a person that doesn't treat marriage with much value, but I intend on finding out her side of the story.

 

Let's say if someone had both spouses cheat, do drugs, abusive, etc...well, this goes back to the person that simply makes bad choices in mates and the whole "attraction to the bad boy and not settle down with the nice guy" situation.

 

Funny though, I had a twice divorced woman look at me funny as to why I've never been married. I wonder which is lesser of the 2 evils? LOL

[PrettyEmily77]

What if it was 2 divorces out of only 2 LTRs? My uncle is twice divorced but has only been with 2 women in his life, and he married them both because he does feel strongly about marriage. The first one died in childbirth and the second left him for someone else.

 

 

 

 

Meant my uncle is twice divorced but has only had 3 LTRs - first LTR (not married) died in childbirth, 1st wife left for someone else and 2nd wife divorced him because she 'didn't love him anymore'. Should have reviewed before posting!

• 
  

[Art_Critic]

Funny though, I had a twice divorced woman look at me funny as to why I've never been married. I wonder which is lesser of the 2 evils? LOL

 

and that is an okay thought to ponder, but another one to ponder is from her point of view there isn't a lesser of 2 evils as she can't do anything about her divorces so she will only look at you never being married as an evil from her point of view. You by the way can go get married and the stigma would be gone... once divorced always divorced.

[elaine567]

Funny though, I had a twice divorced woman look at me funny as to why I've never been married. I wonder which is lesser of the 2 evils? LOL

 

Yes.

You have had numerous relationships I guess and never married, she maybe only had two and got married both times.

 

A lot of assumptions, criticisms and judgements here re divorcees.

[LookAtThisPOst]

and that is an okay thought to ponder, but another one to ponder is from her point of view there isn't a lesser of 2 evils as she can't do anything about her divorces so she will only look at you never being married as an evil from her point of view. You by the way can go get married and the stigma would be gone... once divorced always divorced.

 

Gowever those have been married twice and divorced twice will be seen as someone who cannot keep their marriages together or for some reason cannot keep them keep it going.

 

Those who remain single for a lengthy period time means they are playing it smart and not so hastily jumping into marriage without finding out anything about the person that they are dating.

 

it rather boggles d that someone who has an epidural drug use that they dated for a while and never even know about it until they're married it appear that people aren't really as curious about their mates or ask questions about their actions that may seem suspicious so they keep those questions for themselves and get married without finding out those answers to theso the perspective may seem that those who have not been married at all could be seen as the lesser of the two evils and those that have been married twice may be seen as failures andteeping a marriage is together.

 

usually those who have been divorced twice are seen as those who cannot succeed in marriage and likely to be the best of the two evils.

 

most women I have known I have been divorced twice have had behavioral issues in making the best choices in their lives and use a date bad boys in a house and not the nice guys

[BlueIris]

Gowever those have been married twice and divorced twice will be seen as someone who cannot keep their marriages together or for some reason cannot keep them keep it going.

 

Those who remain single for a lengthy period time means they are playing it smart and not so hastily jumping into marriage without finding out anything about the person that they are dating.

 

it rather boggles d that someone who has an epidural drug use that they dated for a while and never even know about it until they're married it appear that people aren't really as curious about their mates or ask questions about their actions that may seem suspicious so they keep those questions for themselves and get married without finding out those answers to theso the perspective may seem that those who have not been married at all could be seen as the lesser of the two evils and those that have been married twice may be seen as failures andteeping a marriage is together.

 

usually those who have been divorced twice are seen as those who cannot succeed in marriage and likely to be the best of the two evils.

 

most women I have known I have been divorced twice have had behavioral issues in making the best choices in their lives and use a date bad boys in a house and not the nice guys

 

So don't date those people.

 

You might see things this way, but not all people do. The important thing in finding a mate is the the way YOU see things and choosing someone that you can understand and that you approve of.

 

I think that we can all see the reasons and the even positives in what we have done in our own lives. If we can't understand and accept what someone else has done, we really shouldn't date him or her.

[elaine567]

Those who remain single for a lengthy period time means they are playing it smart and not so hastily jumping into marriage without finding out anything about the person that they are dating.

 

Or no-hope losers, that no-one would even consider marrying.

 

YOU make so many assumptions about women in general.

Everyone has a story, at 40+, no-one is squeaky clean, everyone has loads of baggage.

Some of it is good - older, wiser, they will never make that mistake again - some is bad causing the walls to go up.

Making judgements about people you know little or nothing about, means you are never going to get really close to anyone.

 

"My God? They are flawed, better not get too involved..."

 

Everyone is flawed in some way.

Even your pristine 16 yo virgin will come with issues.

At 40+ and on the dating scene, everyone will have some issues, some more than others.

Suggesting a twice married woman is casual/FWB material only... *speechless*

[serial muse]

Gowever those have been married twice and divorced twice will be seen as someone who cannot keep their marriages together or for some reason cannot keep them keep it going.

 

Those who remain single for a lengthy period time means they are playing it smart and not so hastily jumping into marriage without finding out anything about the person that they are dating.

 

it rather boggles d that someone who has an epidural drug use that they dated for a while and never even know about it until they're married it appear that people aren't really as curious about their mates or ask questions about their actions that may seem suspicious so they keep those questions for themselves and get married without finding out those answers to theso the perspective may seem that those who have not been married at all could be seen as the lesser of the two evils and those that have been married twice may be seen as failures andteeping a marriage is together.

 

usually those who have been divorced twice are seen as those who cannot succeed in marriage and likely to be the best of the two evils.

 

most women I have known I have been divorced twice have had behavioral issues in making the best choices in their lives and use a date bad boys in a house and not the nice guys

 

OK, I found the bolded rather impenetrable and difficult to decipher. But from the rest of your post I gather that you think someone never married at 40 has less baggage, so to speak, than someone twice married and divorced.

 

But as Elaine says, there are an awful lot of assumptions - and extremely self-serving assumptions, I have to point out - built into those statements. Naturally, as someone never married, you're going to think you've got the right of it. But others might question your choices, just as you question theirs. And I also feel compelled to point out here that of my older friends and family, those who have never married (or lived with someone long-term) tend to be far less likely to be interested in or even understand true compromise; they tend to be very set in their ways and viewpoints. I sense that in your posts, too - you are quick to judge others and to assume that your way of thinking is the "best" way. But to me, that would be a red flag. Such a person is VERY difficult to live with.

 

Now, I don't think that means that anyone unmarried at 40 is definitely going to be this way. Circumstances differ, and it matters. But it's a waving flag that I'd want to investigate, and would be wary of. Just as you are of women who've been married twice. See how that works?

 

Bottom line, maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge people. I think you're standing in your own way. You make an awful lot of posts here complaining about other peoples' choices. What is that about?

Edited May 22, 2015 by serial muse

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have to apologize if I may sound judgemental. but sometimes I may have to speak in extremes in textual terms I am aware that everybody has their say for instance I am aware that everybody has their baggage it depends on the baggage.

 

When I recently know is a divorce twice a woman who is an alcoholic I have been witness to her belligerence a few times and it's not pretty of course she is flawed but would a person be willing to put up with that baggage as opposed to a person who can I manage to put the tooth paste cap on all the time.

 

cuz people are flawed an alcoholic is also flawed, would you knowingly date an alcoholic?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Gowever those have been married twice and divorced twice will be seen as someone who cannot keep their marriages together or for some reason cannot keep them keep it going.

if that is how you see them then just DON'T date them. Do these divorced women actually want to date YOU anyway though, it might be a moot question!!!

 

Those who remain single for a lengthy period time means they are playing it smart and not so hastily jumping into marriage without finding out anything about the person that they are dating.

It doesn't necessarily mean that they are playing it smart it just as well might mean that they are not capable of being in a relationship at all!!! Just maybe

 

it rather boggles d that someone who has an epidural drug use that they dated for a while and never even know about it until they're married

WOW I never even knew that people used epidurals for recreational drugs, I thought it was just for having babies, that is just straight up weird!!!

[OldRover]

Yes, everyone has some baggage and flaws.... but what's important is to know what baggage and flaws you can live with.

 

The two time divorcee that's an alcoholic could be a looser, but one that did a stupid teen age marriage and the next guy went to jail... could be fine after a difficult life.

 

I dated a gal that was divorce four times.... and it was all "their" fault. The details appeared to be reason for divorce, but it was a one sided story. She also had several failed relationships.... including mine. Huge red flags.

[johndoe2]

Or no-hope losers, that no-one would even consider marrying.

 

YOU make so many assumptions about women in general.

Everyone has a story, at 40+, no-one is squeaky clean, everyone has loads of baggage.

That doesn't mean everyone is equal. And frankly, why shouldn't people who make smart choices, don't make too many egregious mistakes, enjoy an advantage over those who do?

 

One can talk of second chances, but in any scenario in life, from choosing mates to hiring employees and so on, ceteris paribus, who do you pick? The person who screwed up but wants a second change, or the person who never screwed up to begin with?

 

Like it or not, a person's past is often a reasonable predictor of their future. If you tell me you've been divorced once, I know you're more likely to get divorced again than if you'd never been divorced. If twice, a third is more likely than if only once. That it is that much harder to convince someone that you are an outlier because of your past is probably only because that someone is being rational.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I suppose my view is a bit biased as I've grown up with parents that had stayed together all their lives.

[misspond]

There seems to be some weight attributed to being married here.

Marriage is a social construct, where one person asks another to be exclusive in a "very special" glamour filled way. And then one or t'other cannot commit to that and it ends in "divorce" (a lengthy and financially prosperous contract that only financially benefits the lawyer and that adds all sorts of social constructs for those involved in the contract) and then everyone chimes in and says that one or more marriages/divorces constitutes a "red flag". ??

 

Did you love someone, commit to them and then break their heart or have yours broken by them because, "someone/something else"?

 

Move on. Those pieces of paper and planning and costumes mean nothing. Did you trust them or they you and then one or other of you trip them up? Get over it, own your heart and what it means to you, paper or no paper.

[OldRover]

You're right, marriage is only a legal piece of paper. There are some financial advantages and disadvantages.

 

However, for many it's an announcement to the world that the couple has made a long term commitment. But, it the REAL commitment isn't there, it can fail, just like any committed relationship. And with failure, the cost of disputing a marriage can be horrendous. It's probably easier to break up a non married partnership, but can still have some costs.

 

To each his own.

[misspond]

You're right, marriage is only a legal piece of paper. There are some financial advantages and disadvantages.

 

However, for many it's an announcement to the world that the couple has made a long term commitment. But, it the REAL commitment isn't there, it can fail, just like any committed relationship. And with failure, the cost of disputing a marriage can be horrendous. It's probably easier to break up a non married partnership, but can still have some costs.

 

To each his own.

 

I wasn't really saying that people shouldn't get married. More that even taking into account the financial, social and emotional costs of marriage, there seems to be an awful lot of weight attributed to someone having been married more than once (as opposed to them having had three relationships that didn't work out) when it comes to getting involved with them.

 

But now I think about it again I'd probably shy away from a man who'd been married more than once, unless it transpired that he had been very unlucky and had been widowed more than once.

 

People are flawed and fragile is all.

[elaine567]

OK we get the "married more than once" potential red flag

What if she had 2-3 or more really long term, serious relationships lasting say 5-10 years each?

Is she still "damaged goods", or is that all OK because she never got married?

[misspond]

OK we get the "married more than once" potential red flag

What if she had 2-3 or more really long term, serious relationships lasting say 5-10 years each?

Is she still "damaged goods", or is that all OK because she never got married?

 

I think that's what I was trying to say :-)

[OldRover]

OK we get the "married more than once" potential red flag

What if she had 2-3 or more really long term, serious relationships lasting say 5-10 years each?

Is she still "damaged goods", or is that all OK because she never got married?

 

Yes, red flag, too.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yes, red flag, too.

 

Right, because some people will wonder, "You've been together 5 to 10 years and never tied the knot?? Hmmmm."

[OldRover]

Right, because some people will wonder, "You've been together 5 to 10 years and never tied the knot?? Hmmmm."

 

Let them wonder, there's not many like that anymore. There are tons of couples that have been together for years and never intend to tie the knot.

[elaine567]

With divorce rates pretty high(1:3 marriages will end in divorce by 20 years (English figures) and with live-in relationships increasing, then is it not likely that a woman or a man of 40+ is going to have had many relationships, some of them live in and/or ending in divorce/break up?

 

Many divorcees end up in live in relationships as they do not want to get married again, so is it OK to be divorced once, but not OK if they did decide to take the risk and ended up in a divorce situation again?

 

Seems to me that there is a bit of old fashioned judgement in play here and not a pragmatic approach to modern day relationships.

Personally I think every case should be decided on its merits, not on "rules".

 

A woman may have been married once and divorced once, but she may also have taken a new lover in every year of her marriage...

[Mysterio]

Be someone married or not. I am seeing life a bit beyond the need to get married. ITs a journey and play for the most part. I don't know if someone can just meet someone in their early 20's and stay married till them to late 80's and have no problems.

 

Some people are better suited for other people, once they have been released from a LTR. Be it married or BF/GF for a long time. We are all changing and evolving. I am 44. I have never been married and I feel like I am not missing anything.

 

2 marriages in a short amount of time. I would go slow. Depends on the woman. Thats just from me being a male. If I know the history and its not murky, I may not be bothered by it.

 

Bottom line its all about hoe the two people click and connect. The past is not really going to matter as much. I think all a man wants from his woman is to be adored and have physical/emotional affection. A soft place to land at the end of the day.

[OldRover]

Be someone married or not. I am seeing life a bit beyond the need to get married. ITs a journey and play for the most part. I don't know if someone can just meet someone in their early 20's and stay married till them to late 80's and have no problems.

 

Some people are better suited for other people, once they have been released from a LTR. Be it married or BF/GF for a long time. We are all changing and evolving. I am 44. I have never been married and I feel like I am not missing anything.

 

2 marriages in a short amount of time. I would go slow. Depends on the woman. Thats just from me being a male. If I know the history and its not murky, I may not be bothered by it.

 

Bottom line its all about hoe the two people click and connect. The past is not really going to matter as much. I think all a man wants from his woman is to be adored and have physical/emotional affection. A soft place to land at the end of the day.

 

You make some good points, however history shows us a LOT.

It points out one's habits, ideals, philosophies, the way they react with people, etc, etc. One could easily find the "perfect" mate, thinking it's gonna last forever, only to discover some traits that the other had that were totally unacceptable, after you've been involved for some time and gotten to know them better. I was in that exact situation once, and we seemed totally compatible and had a LOT of fun and great times. But once I had some time with her, the red flags became more apparent that I should have seen long before I got involved. Live and learn.

[lino]

Depends on the age. If she's under forty, red flag but not deal breaker. I'd still continue with her but I'd be weary.

 

Over forty, I'd say it's going to be pretty normal for women to be twice divorced at that age in the near future, if not already so no big deal.

 

Under thirty then definitely a deal breaker.

 

For me honestly, what type of men she was married to twice is more important than how many.