ascendotum Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 It's not a solid fact that she wanted you only to get a visa. She may have really loved you, so don't look at it as a waste of time. But the visa issue got between you in a long process of losing trust at each other. You wanted to take things slow, she took it as you don't love her, you suspected she want you only for the visa thing, she took it as an insult, and on and on and on... It's over can't and you can't fix it because when ultimatums are made, that's the end of every relationship, no matter how real it was before. I agree with this post. Everyone has painted her as a phoney gf and user, but there is no guarantee she was. The trouble is the whole citizenship issue just overwhelms what her true nature & love to the OP is. It is too hard to know if she could be a great wife to the OP or if she is just really set on him because he is a convenient nice guy sponsor and her attitude will change soon after the papers are signed. I'm sure everyone here knows of marriage for citizenship cases that left the poor lovesick chump regretting it. It is not hard to be cynical of her true intentions since the Vietnamese girl had to fast track her marriage due to limited time. Shame she could not have applied for a 2 yr extension, so he had a chance to know her better. Still some foreign women can be good actresses in the short term when angling for a prosperous longterm new life. You wont ever know. I don't blame the OP for being wary of her and I don't blame the girl for being disappointed in the outcome and moving on quick to find other options. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't know I think you used her as much as she used you.. She was desperate to find a guy to get the visa You knew that and you kept on dragging on and on without a real final answer Yes or No! If you were honest as much as she was, you probably wouldn't have been in that mess.. She might love you, but you will never really know... and then you family hated her without her doing anything wrong she just wanted to get married to stay in this place.. and she told you that.. you should've ended that a year ago.. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) What if we replaced "immigrant" with "39 y/o American woman" who wants to get married, pregnant and start a family within a year? I think the people responding would be much more supportive. Yet in the 2nd example the situation is the same. She has a deadline, wanting to get pregnant and married ASAP. String her along for a year and she may lose her only chance of fulfilling her dream of being a mother and raising a family. Is that woman evil for having an agenda and searching for a man to fill that specific role? exactly my thoughts, many women have a deadline, I find what they do as desperate measures push the guys away but regardless, that's what they feel.. the stress of the deadline.. Edited July 5, 2015 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I agree with this post. Everyone has painted her as a phoney gf and user, but there is no guarantee she was. The trouble is the whole citizenship issue just overwhelms what her true nature & love to the OP is. It is too hard to know if she could be a great wife to the OP or if she is just really set on him because he is a convenient nice guy sponsor and her attitude will change soon after the papers are signed. I'm sure everyone here knows of marriage for citizenship cases that left the poor lovesick chump regretting it. It is not hard to be cynical of her true intentions since the Vietnamese girl had to fast track her marriage due to limited time. Shame she could not have applied for a 2 yr extension, so he had a chance to know her better. Still some foreign women can be good actresses in the short term when angling for a prosperous longterm new life. You wont ever know. I don't blame the OP for being wary of her and I don't blame the girl for being disappointed in the outcome and moving on quick to find other options. oh please don't make us foreign women/girls as actresses and liars Most women will become liars and actresses when they need to be.. Have nothing to do with nationality or race or anything.. and guys act and lie even more! Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) One tip from experience with international dating, in my case FSU countries (Russia/Ukraine, etc): One test to try is, when interacting with women where there's an advantage to them gaining citizenship in your country, to express interest in living and working in their country. I found this to work really well in separating the women with genuine interest from those who desired the K1-K3 process to leave their country. Most women, IME, loathe leaving their children, parents, siblings and friends behind and moving to a strange land. Young people may be more adventurous, sure, but still there's a draw to one's loved ones and culture. This is a bad test because many people want to leave their countries forever that's why they come to USA or UK. To settle for good They want "the american dream" and these kinda of lies or dreams! Their poor (sometimes rich countries but they leave it for other reasons) can't provide that, so suggesting that you go back together to their country is absurd, they escaped that country for a reason! They didn't leave their country only to return back to it with an american guy.. Yay! They wanted something better for themselves, for their future, for their kids.. That's why there are so many immigrants here, to start all over again not to return to the country they left behind.. Of course they might miss it sometimes, but that's all! Edited July 5, 2015 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 oh please don't make us foreign women/girls as actresses and liars Most women will become liars and actresses when they need to be.. Have nothing to do with nationality or race or anything.. and guys act and lie even more! I said some. You took it way to personally. No it does not have to do with race, but it has to do with putting on false front to get a great outcome (citizenship to a wealthy country). Absolutely women from poorer countries will fake it for a year or two to secure their long term future and then also possibly bring over their parents. Also in some cases they get citizenship and a divorce payout. There are many bad cases but also lots more that resulted in happy marriages. Yes women will do the same for a wealthy guy, or nice guy good provider guy to have baby & not work again when they are 39/40 ish. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I didn't read all these posts but intermediate bolted at some point because you did not propose, then came back before the dust settled . That would concern me right there no matter where she is from . Now none of us here knows this woman , and there are a lot of reasons why she may be so anxious to be married . We don't know what is in her head. But we do know that illegals from anywhere many times use this as a way to stay in this country. I refuse to accept that anyone who expresses that fact is some kind of racist . The big question is OP, do you want to be married to her??? Do you love her enough? Do you trust her enough?? I think not or you would not be asking these questoons. If she can just come and go as she pleases in and out of the country I do not see why you need to be pressured into marrying her. If you do,'it will be much harder to end it for you . I would tread very carefully here . And if you do get rushed I would seriously consider doing a post nup that states if she bolts or cheats she gets nothing . And I would not go having any kids with her right away Link to post Share on other sites
ApexTitanium Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 You got yourself a mail order bride and didnt even have to pay shipping! All kidding aside, she told you her situation from the beginning, she acted like good wife material aside from the family issue mostly because they dont trust her. You had a year and a half to think it over. Make your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carl99 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Oh, come on now. I have serious doubts that she ever got on a plane at all. I think she was trying to scare you into proposing by pretending she was leaving. When she realized you were going to let her go, she panicked and concocted something to make you believe she really loves you - but still wants immediate marriage. I think she hightailed it to the airport with a suitcase then called you and pretended she'd gone somewhere, and turned right around and came back "for you." Yeah, right. This is a woman with no job, correct? So where did she suddenly get the money to fly out again right away? Sounds fishy to me. You should ask to see her boarding passes from these flights she supposedly took. Sorry, OP, but I think she is full of malarkey. And she's getting more desperate. Notice how she still wants to get married, but now "confidentially"? Don't do it. You're still being used. I don't buy her story at all. I am with this too. I have my doubts that she got in the plane too. So far I have no proof of boarding passes. I was stupid to not check for tags in her luggage too. I was stressed. She called me at 1am to pick her up. She does have a job as a waitress. Under the table job. She was also working somewhere else previously. She has been asking for the marriage everyday now again and reminding me that she came back for me. Today I told her sorry but I have made my mind and I don't want marriage at this point. We should get to get know us better. She hanged up the phone on me and said bye forever. I didn't call her back. I'm sure she will be back but asking the same question. I'm determined on my decision though. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Just dump her & get it over. You're doing both of you a disservice. Find someone else & get into a normal relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Grow a pair and tell her the relationship is over. This has been going on for far too long. She's a manipulator and you clearly seem to enjoy it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 She's doing what millions of people do and trying to use you to get legal. With all this time that's passed, she could be on her way to doing it legally if she'd just do it. I caution against this. She was up front with you. She's just looking for a way in. Trouble is, you will be responsible for her and then probably she will spend all your money bringing the rest of her relatives over here, and before long you will have a full house and be the main wage earner. To me, this is just a low form of prostitution. There are legal ways to obtain citizenship. Tell her to do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Be glad you can get out of this now. You don't want to be like one of my exes who ended up with a crazy ex-wife and her crazier mother, fighting him with wild accusations right and left. She stayed married to him long enough to become legal and get her mother over here and then made his life hell. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Oh, come on now. I have serious doubts that she ever got on a plane at all. I think she was trying to scare you into proposing by pretending she was leaving. When she realized you were going to let her go, she panicked and concocted something to make you believe she really loves you - but still wants immediate marriage. I think she hightailed it to the airport with a suitcase then called you and pretended she'd gone somewhere, and turned right around and came back "for you." Yeah, right. This is a woman with no job, correct? So where did she suddenly get the money to fly out again right away? Sounds fishy to me. You should ask to see her boarding passes from these flights she supposedly took. Sorry, OP, but I think she is full of malarkey. And she's getting more desperate. Notice how she still wants to get married, but now "confidentially"? Don't do it. You're still being used. I don't buy her story at all. Completely agreed. My cousin's marriage was motivated by something similar. The woman was living with her parents and was ok there; all of the sudden, around the time they were talking about marriage, she got into a massive argument with her mother and got kicked out. Queue in a white knight [my cousin]. The level of manipulation in that family is ... staggering so i am 99% sure it was staged. PS: If you were living in any other country but the US OP [England/Canada as well] i would have told you to go for it and marry her ... do the leap of faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 This is a bad test because many people want to leave their countries forever that's why they come to USA or UK. To settle for good They want "the american dream" and these kinda of lies or dreams! Their poor (sometimes rich countries but they leave it for other reasons) can't provide that, so suggesting that you go back together to their country is absurd, they escaped that country for a reason! They didn't leave their country only to return back to it with an american guy.. Yay! They wanted something better for themselves, for their future, for their kids.. That's why there are so many immigrants here, to start all over again not to return to the country they left behind.. Of course they might miss it sometimes, but that's all! Yes and no, in some situations living in such a country can be better than living in the US. It depends obviously on gender, but the US overall is not balanced ... women have a lot of power in it. So when you marry a woman who comes from a country where women have less power, you are going to give her a lot of power [from citizenship, money, joined earnings coming from the guy ... etc]. Some ppl renegociate relationships when they gain this power, to get themselves what they see as a 'better deal' ... and she will be told about it, by 'very helpful' american women who think all men are undercover rapists. Overall, in this situation, if a guy can afford it, moving to her country for a while is preferrable. Most of those places are somewhat more fair in case of divorce, since they did not go through 4-5 decades of feminism. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 A relative of mine got into one of these situations (with his eyes wide open however) and she sends all the money from her employment overseas and still makes him spend thousands on trips to overseas and to bring relatives over to live. The worst thing she's done is while he was in the hospital after having lost his leg on an accident, an insurance check came, and she sent it overseas, guilting him into it saying it was to pay the mother's medical expenses and funeral (they have social healthcare there, so it was a bunch of bs). He desperately needed that money to fix up his place for being handicapped, and she fully took advantage of him being on his back in the hospital and just did it. And of course, we were all mad at her about it, but she didn't care. She knows now he's got one leg, he will be dependent on her. My feeling is she has a fat bank account in the Phillipines or in San Francisco where some of her relatives settled, and will return to live there like a queen one day. Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 In the US and Canada the sponsored spouse will be removed if the relationship doesn't last at least 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am with this too. I have my doubts that she got in the plane too. So far I have no proof of boarding passes. I was stupid to not check for tags in her luggage too. I was stressed. She called me at 1am to pick her up. She does have a job as a waitress. Under the table job. She was also working somewhere else previously. She has been asking for the marriage everyday now again and reminding me that she came back for me. Today I told her sorry but I have made my mind and I don't want marriage at this point. We should get to get know us better. She hanged up the phone on me and said bye forever. I didn't call her back. I'm sure she will be back but asking the same question. I'm determined on my decision though. Living here illegally is very stressful. If you were not willing to marry her then you should never have started dating a woman on a student visa! I would say that while she did act crazy and push you for marriage, it was only because you put her in a terrible position. I seriously doubt she was trying to scam you. Scammers don't spend a year of their lives begging you to help them stay. Scammers move on very quickly. If she moves on now... it's only because you have proven yourself to be a bad guy. I'm more qualified than most to assess your situation because my wife is from Vietnam. She was a physician there and came here on a work study deal. I'm about your age, but I've been married and divorce before, so I know what's involved and was not afraid of it. When we started dating I understood her position and made it VERY clear within the first month that I intended to marry her. We wound up dating for 2 years before marriage, including a six month time where she was "out of status". We have been married for 5 years now. I have the best wife in the world... she has supported me both emotionally and financially through situations virtually no local woman would endure. I think you never had any intention of marrying her and you just used her. Also... any family member who wants to have a relationship with me MUST accept who I choose to date and marry. Any guy who lets mommy dictate how they live... cannot consider himself to be a man at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 If it was real love she wouldn't be pressuring you. The litmus test is why don't we go to her home country and marry her there? If she says no, she's being unreasonable, and it si not about love, but getting money to help her family. oh sure, she'll be a good wife and all of that. But if she's unreasonable all she really wants is your money. There are things called serious humanity in there tests that you can google to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 If it was real love she wouldn't be pressuring you. That goes both way Bubba. If you love someone, then you don't make them live under the threat of deportation every day. If you just want to have a short fling... then you better be up front about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) That goes both way Bubba. If you love someone, then you don't make them live under the threat of deportation every day. If you just want to have a short fling... then you better be up front about it. You're right, it does go both ways. But here's a test. Why not go and take her back to her home country and stay there for a while, then marry her legally there. Do all the paper work and all of that, then you won't run the risk of deportation, and jail time for you. There is the simple answer. But be very wary. A lot of the time these things are traps for money. Edit: And you want to know the other benefit to this is? You can spend some time with her getting to know her side of the family and her traditions. Edited August 4, 2015 by Iron Bubba Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 You're right, it does go both ways. But here's a test. Why not go and take her back to her home country and stay there for a while, then marry her legally there. Do all the paper work and all of that, then you won't run the risk of deportation, and jail time for you. There is the simple answer. But be very wary. A lot of the time these things are traps for money. Edit: And you want to know the other benefit to this is? You can spend some time with her getting to know her side of the family and her traditions. I know you probably don't know this, but once she goes back home she is stuck there. Even if they get married the US Government will take 2 YEARS to process her paperwork and provide entry. Also, you will have to contend with the Vietnamese government. It's actually illegal for a foreigner to be in a hotel room with a local woman who is not your wife. If they get married in the US the paperwork takes about 3-6 months. Most of this is just silly. If you love the girl... marry her! Unless your some mega rich bastard, she isn't going to get any money out of you that you don't willingly give. Divorce is easy as pie if things don't work out. You can actually draft the paperwork yourself! The judge isn't going to award her some ridiculous alimony settlement unless you live in Canada or the UK. As a guy in this situation you literally have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain. Also something you might not know. There are tons of Vietnamese guys here in the US who will marry a lady just for a greencard. They usually charge $10,000. I know 3 girls and 1 guy who went this route and all of them are now citizens. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Last update from the OP. #59was almost a month ago Today I told her sorry but I have made my mind and I don't want marriage at this point. We should get to get know us better. She hanged up the phone on me and said bye forever. I didn't call her back. I'm sure she will be back but asking the same question. I'm determined on my decision though. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbonesteak Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) I know this thread is old but thought the circumstances are VERY similar to one my close friend experienced. A family friend of his introduced him to a international student. This girl was a distant niece of the family friend. As they were introduced, my friend was informed she needed papers. So the girl's aunt proposed the idea of a sham marriage (to get her a greed card) while the two of them dated after. If the "marriage" (dating) didn't work out, they would get divorced and he would be given money. My friend makes a good living and doesn't need the money so he rejected and said he'd only marry when he was ready. There was attraction on both sides so they began dating. They seemed happy for a short priod of time (I'm guessing 3 months). Not long after, he was getting pressure to marry. He received ultimatums and if he didn't marry her, she would move to another state. Although his girlfriend was sometimes sweet, something about her didn't seem right. To me she was controlling and manipulative. She was materialistic and wanted the nicest things such as a Tiffanys engagement ring ($12k+), expensive purses, dresses, vacations, etc. Since he lives in California (community property state) I advised him that if he were to marry her (for love), have her sign a prenup since he has some assets and family assets. The next time she talked to him about marriage, he brought up the prenup to protect what belonged to his family in a trust. She made a big situation about it and said his family should trust her. She objected the prenup. Big red flag to me. I know that prenuptial agreements are sensitive to some but he needs to ensure his family is protected too. He broke it off a year into the relationship and that's when CRAZY things happened. She literally followed him to work, camp outside his house, come over uninvited at all hours of the day. She blamed him for not going outside to talk to her. She blamed him for wasting her time. Yet, he would help (out of love) on the condition she sign a prenup. My guess is that she only wanted to do things her way and would not compromise. Was she using him for a greencard? Did she want his money and access to his family's assets? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only she knows. But her actions speak for themselves. Edited August 4, 2015 by Tbonesteak Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I know you probably don't know this, but once she goes back home she is stuck there. Even if they get married the US Government will take 2 YEARS to process her paperwork and provide entry. Also, you will have to contend with the Vietnamese government. It's actually illegal for a foreigner to be in a hotel room with a local woman who is not your wife. If they get married in the US the paperwork takes about 3-6 months. Most of this is just silly. If you love the girl... marry her! Unless your some mega rich bastard, she isn't going to get any money out of you that you don't willingly give. Divorce is easy as pie if things don't work out. You can actually draft the paperwork yourself! The judge isn't going to award her some ridiculous alimony settlement unless you live in Canada or the UK. As a guy in this situation you literally have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain. Also something you might not know. There are tons of Vietnamese guys here in the US who will marry a lady just for a greencard. They usually charge $10,000. I know 3 girls and 1 guy who went this route and all of them are now citizens. So? If things are worthwhile, it's worth the wait to do things properly? The best things in life come to those who do things properly. Link to post Share on other sites
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