Illegal girlfriend pushing for marriage

[Carl99]

When she initially told you that she wanted to be married in a year, I'd like to know what you said? You must have to agreed in some sense in order for her to continue dating you for over a year. I can't see you saying "I don't want to be married in a year or two" and her sticking around.

 

Sounds like you may have led her on now you want to relieve your guilt by getting people here to agree that she's a user. Sounds like you're not telling the whole story. But hey I' could be wrong.

 

 

I agree with what you said but when she told me her situation about marrying in about a year I didn't count on that she was going to begin asking for marriage when we were only 3 months into our relationship and then keep asking every single month after that. I didn't count that she was going to go out on dates with other guys after 6 months in our relationship becsuse at that time I told her I was not ready, and also I didn't count that my fam was going to hate her because the way she kept asking for it...honestly if all those things didn't happen I'm sure by now I would be married, but right now I feel I need more time to get to know her better.

[Carl99]

When she initially told you that she wanted to be married in a year, I'd like to know what you said? You must have to agreed in some sense in order for her to continue dating you for over a year. I can't see you saying "I don't want to be married in a year or two" and her sticking around.

 

Sounds like you may have led her on now you want to relieve your guilt by getting people here to agree that she's a user. Sounds like you're not telling the whole story. But hey I' could be wrong.

 

Yes I agree. Pressuring is never good, I have been stressed all this year because she has kept pressuring me about this. She had said she was going to stop but every single month she has been asking "when will we get married? "

[amaysngrace]

It's my understanding that she won't be legal to work in this country for two years after marriage just to make sure it's really legit.

 

What is she going to do for money?

 

I don't blame your parents for not liking her. She sounds like a total user who took advantage of your compassionate nature.

 

But do you love her?

[Radu]

Thank you for your advice. Yes, I also blame myself for this and for putting myself in this complicate situation.

 

Also, I want to say, it is not only my decision about marriage, but by making a decision to marry her I would be breaking my bonds with my family. They have swear that they will not want anything to do with me if ever I marry her. I know I am old, but this is like choosing between my family or her. They hate her to death.

They also say that she is not good enough for me, etc etc.

 

Beyond your situation with this girl, this is also something i don't really like.

 

Your family sounds quite manipulative.

Mom and sister live with you, depend on your wage.

They also cannot seem to respect your relationship or you can't enforce their respect of your relationship.

It's not normal to tell your 34yr old son 'it's us or her' ... that kind of ultimatum [not to mention that ultimatums are horribly manipulative].

 

The real question is one of assets, expected earnings and age.

- do you have considerable assets ?; if you do then she can get half on Divorce depending on the state you live in.

- who will earn more ... you or her ?; in the case of a Divorce the spouse earning less will receive Alimony and child support [larger than normal].

Does she just need the certificate for working there in a pharmacy ?

Did she have good grades in school or did she use this excuse to drop-out ?

- she is 31yrs old ... if both of you won't make much and you both want a family, you can kiss her working good-bye for a while and you will have to support everyone.

One of the reasons she is pushing for marriage might also be the ticking bomb that is her fertility.

 

PS: What country is she from ?; what religion ?

[Radu]

I agree with what you said but when she told me her situation about marrying in about a year I didn't count on that she was going to begin asking for marriage when we were only 3 months into our relationship and then keep asking every single month after that. I didn't count that she was going to go out on dates with other guys after 6 months in our relationship becsuse at that time I told her I was not ready, and also I didn't count that my fam was going to hate her because the way she kept asking for it...honestly if all those things didn't happen I'm sure by now I would be married, but right now I feel I need more time to get to know her better.

 

Congratulations on putting the bolded information in the original post.

 

Even if you do not marry this girl, you have a serious problem left in the interaction with your family ... and what they think of your maturity level.

[Carl99]

Congratulations on putting the bolded information in the original post.

 

Even if you do not marry this girl, you have a serious problem left in the interaction with your family ... and what they think of your maturity level.

 

 

You are right on point with this comment about what my family thinks about me now, and they say exactly those words. I agree that love can sometimes make you blind, no matter your age or level of maturity I think.

 

Just an update, she has been pushing into the marriage situation, and tells me as excuse that she wants marriage to see commitment from me, but she says that it is not mainly because of her legal status. Then I ask her "Ok, lets marry and lets wait a bit about your sponsorship, then I can show you commitment for now", she responds "No, I want marriage and sponsorship, or nothing"

 

It is clear to me......

 

Thanks to everyone who have commented on this. You guys have really offer lot of thoughtful thoughts.

[TaraMaiden2]

Please, please tell us this is over and you're going ton free yourself.

 

She has such an agenda, and it's so conditional, that you MUST be able to see she's just a free-loader.... surely...?!

[Radu]

You are right on point with this comment about what my family thinks about me now, and they say exactly those words. I agree that love can sometimes make you blind, no matter your age or level of maturity I think.

Make no mistake that this possible marriage is a mistake, and not just because of her desire for sponsorship.

 

But my point was about the fact that you also let your family walk all over you.

I don't fully believe that their advice is fully rooted in selflessness, in the need to see you do good in life.

Either they have their own stake in not letting some other woman take hold of you [financial stake], or they plain think you are incapable of making your own decisions.

 

This situation is not normal for someone of your age.

 

Just an update, she has been pushing into the marriage situation, and tells me as excuse that she wants marriage to see commitment from me, but she says that it is not mainly because of her legal status. Then I ask her "Ok, lets marry and lets wait a bit about your sponsorship, then I can show you commitment for now", she responds "No, I want marriage and sponsorship, or nothing"

 

It is clear to me......

 

Thanks to everyone who have commented on this. You guys have really offer lot of thoughtful thoughts.

I hope you have the presence of mind not to have sex with her; or you may be Oopsied.

[MuscleCarFan]

Too many red flags here. She is using you to get citizenship here. Dump her and move on!

[Carl99]

Just an update.

 

She is set to leave on Saturday, but she is leaving to another state in the US. Honestly I do not know where she is moving to. She has refused to tell me, because she is upset that I did not marry her and she has given me a deadline to marry her in this last 2 days or forget forever about her.

She says that she has been offered an opportunity in another state and she is following it because I did not help her with her situation here.

I do not know where she is going to, or with who. Not sure if its a friend, a family, or a stranger. I just do not know, but after this she has showed me more and more her clear intentions.

 

She has quit her "under the table" jobs here, and is ready to go, because she says she has to follow her professional growth and her own opportunity and cannot wait any longer for me to marry her....She leaves and moves on easy like "changing clothes".

 

This whole situation sucks, but I blame myself for putting myself into it.

 

Anyway, hope this chapter closes soon and a better door opens for me in my love life after this.....

[carhill]

As life moments go, I'd opine you dodged a bullet. She made a choice, to move states and move on. Good for her. Now you have choices to make. Try not to worry or be concerned about her. I've yet to meet a woman who couldn't survive out there in the big bad world. She'll be fine. Now, on with the rest of your life.

[Carl99]

As life moments go, I'd opine you dodged a bullet. She made a choice, to move states and move on. Good for her. Now you have choices to make. Try not to worry or be concerned about her. I've yet to meet a woman who couldn't survive out there in the big bad world. She'll be fine. Now, on with the rest of your life.

 

Thank you for your kind words

[carhill]

One tip from experience with international dating, in my case FSU countries (Russia/Ukraine, etc):

 

One test to try is, when interacting with women where there's an advantage to them gaining citizenship in your country, to express interest in living and working in their country. I found this to work really well in separating the women with genuine interest from those who desired the K1-K3 process to leave their country. Most women, IME, loathe leaving their children, parents, siblings and friends behind and moving to a strange land. Young people may be more adventurous, sure, but still there's a draw to one's loved ones and culture.

[Diezel]

AKA, she is going to go find some poor fool to just marry her for no other reason than to become legal.

 

You dodged a bullet.

[Carl99]

One tip from experience with international dating, in my case FSU countries (Russia/Ukraine, etc):

 

One test to try is, when interacting with women where there's an advantage to them gaining citizenship in your country, to express interest in living and working in their country. I found this to work really well in separating the women with genuine interest from those who desired the K1-K3 process to leave their country. Most women, IME, loathe leaving their children, parents, siblings and friends behind and moving to a strange land. Young people may be more adventurous, sure, but still there's a draw to one's loved ones and culture.

 

I tried that test and she agreed to move back to her country (Vietnam) with me so she passed that test though, but she might had been faking her agreement though and later back off from it.

[Carl99]

AKA, she is going to go find some poor fool to just marry her for no other reason than to become legal.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

I agree. Some people fall easily for it

[lolablue17]

It's not a solid fact that she wanted you only to get a visa. She may have really loved you, so don't look at it as a waste of time.

 

But the visa issue got between you in a long process of losing trust at each other. You wanted to take things slow, she took it as you don't love her, you suspected she want you only for the visa thing, she took it as an insult, and on and on and on...

 

It's over can't and you can't fix it because when ultimatums are made, that's the end of every relationship, no matter how real it was before.

[piggyoink]

The 2 years of a conditional Green Card should be enough to determine whether or not the relationship is real.

[BlueIris]

Just an update.

 

She is set to leave on Saturday, but she is leaving to another state in the US. Honestly I do not know where she is moving to. She has refused to tell me, because she is upset that I did not marry her and she has given me a deadline to marry her in this last 2 days or forget forever about her.

She says that she has been offered an opportunity in another state and she is following it because I did not help her with her situation here.

I do not know where she is going to, or with who. Not sure if its a friend, a family, or a stranger. I just do not know, but after this she has showed me more and more her clear intentions.

 

She has quit her "under the table" jobs here, and is ready to go, because she says she has to follow her professional growth and her own opportunity and cannot wait any longer for me to marry her.... She leaves and moves on easy like "changing clothes".

 

This whole situation sucks, but I blame myself for putting myself into it.

 

Anyway, hope this chapter closes soon and a better door opens for me in my love life after this.....

 

Do you want her to be more upset? If so, why?

 

She wanted marriage and sponsorship at the one-year mark and was honest about that. You didn’t want that. So she’s moving on. I see no evil in that and don’t see how you could judge her for moving on. You decided to end this by not marrying. Ok. So, move on.

 

Moving forward, one lesson that I’d take from this is to take people at their word. Some people are honest and mean what they say. If someone says from the outset or early on that she wants to marry in a year, believe her and respect that.

 

In the same vein, if you said at the outset or early on that you would NOT marry or decide about marriage at a year, she shouldn’t have stayed in a relationship with you for a whole year- her mistake.

 

If you think that’s a ridiculous or wrong goal or value for someone to have or to act upon, don’t date her in the first place. Way too many people date someone hoping or thinking that they’ll change or didn't mean what they said. None of that is good for a LTR or marriage.

 

I hope you both find people who suit you and who view relationship and marriage the same way.

[PogoStick]

It is your fault OP. You said she was a great girlfriend and even marriage material. She was upfront with you from day one but you strung her along. She had specific needs and you ignored them in a girl you claim to have cared deeply for. You've potentially damaged this girl's future for the rest of her life.

 

Your weak for not being a man and making your own decisions but allowed yourself to be influenced by your family. You used this girl for your own emotional comfort but failed to care for her needs in the process.

[eleve82]

It is your fault OP. You said she was a great girlfriend and even marriage material. She was upfront with you from day one but you strung her along. She had specific needs and you ignored them in a girl you claim to have cared deeply for. You've potentially damaged this girl's future for the rest of her life.

 

Your weak for not being a man and making your own decisions but allowed yourself to be influenced by your family. You used this girl for your own emotional comfort but failed to care for her needs in the process.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

I find it sad that just because someone is a foreigner that people would start demonizing her as someone who wants a visa only. For more traditional cultures, dating for over a year is enough to constitute a serious relationship that warrants marriage but more importantly, you two are over 30 years old. How many years did you really think she would want to spend waiting for you to make up your mind? some American girls I know in their 30s give only half a year to decide if a bf is marriage worthy. As someone in my 30s and being a foreigner, I am already stigmatized as a 'spinster' in my home country - the worst part is that I landed myself in this situation by spending 6 years on a guy that 'wasn't sure' about me right to the end, not because I didn't have options. Apparently, its 'uncool' for a girl to want to be married or taken seriously these days.

 

 

Also, she wasn't "illegal' when you met her. Are you saying all this is one elaborate plot to get you to sponsor her? You need to get a life. She could have achieved this with a much older and wealthier guy who have been willing to marry and sponsor her just to have a younger woman by his side.

 

 

she probably faced alot of pressure and is likely to have met guys who just wanted to be non-committal to her in the past. She is fighting for her own priorities to be met and while you may not have liked the approach she took, at least she was honest with you upfront. I'm so sick of stereotyping because of a person's background. My own mother hurls all kinds of insults to my sister in law just because she is Vietnamese and older than my brother, suggesting she is a gold digger for no other reason than she being Vietnamese in America (she is American). Yet she is the sweetest and most considerate person to me on this planet.

 

 

And you know what? Even she had to wait 4 years for my brother to marry her. Now they may not even be able to have kids. Its a good thing your ex got away while she could.

[PogoStick]

What if we replaced "immigrant" with "39 y/o American woman" who wants to get married, pregnant and start a family within a year? I think the people responding would be much more supportive.

 

Yet in the 2nd example the situation is the same. She has a deadline, wanting to get pregnant and married ASAP. String her along for a year and she may lose her only chance of fulfilling her dream of being a mother and raising a family. Is that woman evil for having an agenda and searching for a man to fill that specific role?

[I_Squared_R]

What country is she from? Some of these countries are torn with gang wars, corrupt government, and corrupt police. It happens often that the entire family pitches in for one child that is most likely to succeed - to go to school at a prime country. They are expected to succeed and provide financial backing to bring their family over.

 

She had her opportunity here and now the funds ran out. She invested a ton of time into you and you could've kept her here. Of course she is panicking. You were her only hope of staying in this country and now at crunch time you are backing out. She made her intentions clear in the beginning and now you aren't sure.

 

Im not necessarily talking bad about the girl. I understand her and I know quite a few people that were in her position. Besides every relationship has some kind of mutual benefit whether it is money, looks, personality, citizenship, etc. etc. In her case the mutual benefit is citizenship. The real question is if she is cynical about this and only using you for the citizenship. Only YOU would know this. Your family doesn't know her. They know her from YOU. No one person on LoveShack is going to tell you if her intentions are cynical because we don't know her!

[Carl99]

Ok guys thank you for your kind words and for all thoughts. All of you have given me good insight.

 

Just a surprising update. She left last week and 10 hours later she was calling my phone to ask me to pick her up at airport becsuse she was on her way back here. She said that upon arriving she did not like the place and decided that the best decision was to come back right away. I was picking her up at midnight same day.

 

Now the marriage topic is back on the table from her and giving me deadline again. Honestly this whole situation is stressing me out, she leaving at first, then I'm ready to let go and then she comes back and now asking again.

She also says that she comes back for me because she honestly figured out that she loves me and wants marriage and future with me.

 

I'm confused about how she plans for her future and changes mind right away after packing,moving, flying, and then coming back in hours. Just feel I cannot trust that kind of person. I have told her that I don't want marriage right now. She is proposing confidential marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok guys thank you for your kind words and for all thoughts. All of you have given me good insight.

 

Just a surprising update. She left last week and 10 hours later she was calling my phone to ask me to pick her up at airport becsuse she was on her way back here. She said that upon arriving she did not like the place and decided that the best decision was to come back right away. I was picking her up at midnight same day.

 

Now the marriage topic is back on the table from her and giving me deadline again. Honestly this whole situation is stressing me out, she leaving at first, then I'm ready to let go and then she comes back and now asking again.

She also says that she comes back for me because she honestly figured out that she loves me and wants marriage and future with me.

 

I'm confused about how she plans for her future and changes mind right away after packing,moving, flying, and then coming back in hours. Just feel I cannot trust that kind of person. I have told her that I don't want marriage right now. She is proposing confidential marriage.

 

Oh, come on now. I have serious doubts that she ever got on a plane at all. I think she was trying to scare you into proposing by pretending she was leaving. When she realized you were going to let her go, she panicked and concocted something to make you believe she really loves you - but still wants immediate marriage. I think she hightailed it to the airport with a suitcase then called you and pretended she'd gone somewhere, and turned right around and came back "for you."

 

Yeah, right. This is a woman with no job, correct? So where did she suddenly get the money to fly out again right away? Sounds fishy to me. You should ask to see her boarding passes from these flights she supposedly took.

 

Sorry, OP, but I think she is full of malarkey. And she's getting more desperate. Notice how she still wants to get married, but now "confidentially"? Don't do it. You're still being used. I don't buy her story at all.