Wife’s fantasy is killing me

[ascendotum]

With most situations like this - one partner has a fantasy, other partner not interested - you can at least try some experimentation and back out if it gets uncomfortable. With this one it's hard to see how to do that - there is either another guy there or there isn't.

I wonder if there could be a compromise. I'm sure for most guys the humiliation comes from having another man on/under their wife, and her getting off with him. In some leso relationships some of the women like to act out a M/F sex role sometimes with one dressing up as a man,or some of the bull dykes actually dress much like a man all the time. I wonder if the OP could handle a dyke dressed as a guy wearing a strap on have a bedroom session with his wife. If he could handle watching his wife make out with another woman then maybe this little role acting twist could work.

 

I think it was a real cheek of her to set up an online profile and start chatting up guys with the promise of having sex with her soon. If that was a guy proactively setting up a 3some or a gangbang for his missus their would be blood in the water here is she posted on LS upon finding out. I think there is a risk with this fantasy of hers that she could enact it with 2 guys or even one guy but have it so that she calls her husband while she is having sex with the guy (but not give it away that she is), and get 3/4 of the thrill.

[badpenny]

It can ONLY be a 2 way street, otherwise, you have an actual serious crisis going on, imo.

 

But don't turn it negative. Don't make it eye for an eye.

 

Get your own deepest fantasy, not revenge.

 

You should both be on the same side, understanding and sympathetic to each other. Loving, caring. It's not a contest.

 

Only go for your most ultimate fantasy in return, as you would be granting hers. Surely reverse cuckold isn't your greatest fantasy...?

 

The bolded is very perceptive and extremely important, Robbo.

 

For you both to be okay with enacting fantasies, they have to be fantasies that while APPEARING to be putting a partner into a submissive, restrained and obligated role, they're actually done with free consent and willingness, and this cuts both ways.

The moment the true, (conscious or otherwise) genuine intention of humiliation and come-uppance comes into play - it stops being a fun game, and begins to be a destructive force.

 

Originally posted by Robbo

We dabble in a bit of BDSM and we switch so when I am the sub I would be subjected to this sort of thing. I only worked out after reading through these posts that I think my issue lies with a third person seeing my humiliation. I have been humiliated with just the wife and I before without issue and we have had the occasional multi person encounter without issue. I think it's the two together that is causing issue?

 

The other issue is that she has worked out the scenario where she intends you to be humiliated. You haven't worked it out. So she is assuming an aspect of the scenario on your behalf, in her own fantasy. You would be humiliated for real, because it's not YOUR fantasy. So her dream, would be your reality.

I think someone touched on this before.

[truncated]

Is it the fantasy that bothers you the most of the way she breached your trust?

 

People certainly have a right to their private, inner thoughts, but she did more than think, she acted on them by creating a dating profile. Had you not caught her with the folder of videos, do you think she would have told you about her online dating profile?

[spanz1]

in the cuckold world, where there are a ton of men wanting it and few women....she is probably already getting advice on how to turn you into a cuckold. So if you really and truly do not want that, you have to sever those online ties that keep steering her mind in that direction. Get her into some safe bdsm or something!

[Toodaloo]

I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

 

They are also about loyalty and commitment.

 

I have always fantasized about being "taken" by 2 men... Giving one a blow job while being screwed by the other. Its one of my favourite fantasies! However the thought of having another man intimate with me while I am in a relationship turns my blood cold. I also do not want to sleep around.

 

While OP does want to make his wife happy he also understands that situations like this have far reaching consequences and he will have to face emotions that may destroy his marriage.

 

Personally I wouldn't risk it. I would however look into ways of perhaps getting closer to the fantasy with out the actually doing it. In my case it was using a vibrator while giving my partner a blow job... Blows my brain out that one! Perhaps OP could film them together but make sure they do not catch his face, then they can watch together? Perhaps he could film her masturbating and getting herself off then watch it together. Perhaps she could film herself and send it to him? Perhaps she could get him to sit on a chair and watch her doing things to herself... Perhaps he could get a second mobile phone and role play that he is her "secret" lover and they could use that to call and text each other to meet up for sneaky lunch time sex... With thought and imagination these things can be got around and be very hot...

[harrybrown]

If she was already on the dating site, she is way ahead of you.

 

Why does she not respect you?

[oldshirt]

My wife and I used to be very active swingers.

 

 

My perspective as a swinger on this is you seem very open minded in general and you so seem sincere and conscientious about trying to accommodate her fantasy while still trying to adhere to your own sensibilities.

 

 

I am also coming away with that it's primarily the humiliation etc that you have an issue with and not necessarily that she is banging some other dude.

 

 

I think this falls more into the realm of a fetish that is just outside the comfort zone and sensibilities of her partner rather than a crisis of someone wanting to stray from the marriage of having feelings of attraction/desire for another person, or toxic boredom or chronic dissatisfaction with their partner. This is fetish issue rather than an infidelity issue.

 

 

IHMO this is eventually going to all filter out into being some kind of compromise where she may come up a little short on her fantasy (which we all do to one degree or another with fantasies....that's why they are called fantasies instead of hobbies) and you may end up pushing the envelope on your comfort zones a little bit, but as I said, you do seem open minded and accommodating. The challenge point here will be making sure you don't get pushed to where it causes actual distress or damage.

 

 

I am going to throw out some random thoughts and options out there in no particular order and you can consider or reject them as you see fit.

 

 

I'll preface all of them by posing the question, "would you/she consider?" -

 

 

- Her being with another woman with you in the corner watching but without the humiliation/bondage?

 

 

- taking that a step further, her being with another woman with you being humiliated, tied up etc? (admittedly, finding another women to go that far may involve hiring a professional sex worker, but at this point I am simply asking if you would consider it on a conceptual basis)

 

 

- having an MFM 3way with you as an active participant without any humiliation, bondage etc to get your feet a little wet and see how that goes as a possible stepping stone?

 

 

- along a similar vein, would you/she consider obtaining some kind of "cuckhold surrougate" where she ties up and humiliates one man, while screwing another man with you either out of the room with full knowledge and consent, or sitting quietly in the shadows of the room?

 

 

- or a different twist with a surrogate bull where you are tied up and humiliated in corner while she watches porn/masturbates with dildo and humiliates you by saying how much better the porn stars are etc? (using her own cuck porn videos perhaps?)

 

 

- Have a couple-couple full swap without humiliation or bondage, where you can each watch each other being with other people?

 

 

(with option of humiliating you afterwards by saying how much better he was etc)

 

 

- Have something of a "reverse cuckhold" where it's the 21 year old tied up in the corner being humiliated while you are the bull showing him how it is done?

 

 

 

 

- her being with OM and you being a voyeur in the room but completely without the humiliation or bondage and then after the OM is gone she can experiment with the humiliation/bondage afterwards?

 

 

Those are some potential steps that I could come up with at the moment. Would you consider any of those options?

 

 

Again, this is all likely going to end up being somewhat of a compromise in which she may come away a little unfulfilled as far as the fantasy goes and you may come away having pushed your boundaries and comfort zones a bit.

 

 

The healthy balance point would be where each of you appreciates the other for putting in the effort and meeting half way, while neither experiences any bitterness or resentment for either pushing them too far or being a complete flop and stick-in-the-mud and not trying.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

This is fetish issue rather than an infidelity issue.

.

 

I want to address this a little more.

 

 

I think this is a fetish issue on her part where the fetish revolves more around her having him tied up defenseless and she humiliates and degrades him more than it is an issue of infidelity or cheating or finding someone new etc etc etc.

 

 

There's also nothing he's stated that indicates she has any dissatisfaction with him or any lack of desire for him or lack of attraction or any other kind of marital dysfunction.

 

 

The base issue here is she has a quirky fetish that he finds outside his comfort zone and doesn't find appealing to him at and may in fact kind of offend his sensibilities (it certainly would mine, I wouldn't even consider it and I like to think I am pretty darn adventurous and open minded)

 

 

Her posting on to cuck sites etc without his knowledge and consent may have been pushing the boundaries of appropriateness and candor, but I do not think it rises to the bar of infidelity as it stands right now.

 

 

If she continues to make contacts behind his back and starts taking steps to make this fetish/fantasy a reality without his knowledge and consent, then it does.

[oldshirt]

....I guess what I am saying is that her fetish has him in it as a central theme to the fetish. you can't call that extramarital.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I hope you're doing okay.

[spanz1]

just whatever happens, make sure she gives you a spare key to the chastity device!