Wife’s fantasy is killing me

[SolG]

I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

 

I can't speak for the other posters here, but I don't believe OP should do this at this point because he's not equipped nor in a position to deal with it. It's not that he simply has no desire to be cuckolded, but the mere thought is causing him distress and affecting him physically. To follow through runs the risk of a lot more consequences than just not enjoying it.

 

I see that not as selfishness, but as preservation.

 

It's one thing to suggest to someone to take one on the chin for the M (eg, do something you're not into but don't fundamentally oppose) but quite another to suggest stepping in front of a bus (violate core beliefs).

[loveweary11]

I think many men would rather take a bullet for their wife, than have to sit in a corner tied up and be forced to watch whilst their wife is f*cked silly by a younger, hotter man regularly.

I doubt it would be a one off event.

 

 

Good one. Definitely funny and got the point across.

 

I'm not like other guys at all, so... hard for me to see it.

 

I'd do it... for her.

Edited May 3, 2015 by loveweary11

[elaine567]

I can't speak for the other posters here, but I don't believe OP should do this at this point because he's not equipped nor in a position to deal with it. It's not that he simply has no desire to be cuckolded, but the mere thought is causing him distress and affecting him physically. To follow through runs the risk of a lot more consequences than just not enjoying it.

 

Agreed, he is already getting erectile issues and nothing has even happened yet.

I can't imagine what actually being put in that position could do him psychologically.

This is a direct attack on his manhood, and how he sees himself sexually in this relationship.

She is not only wishing to apparently reject him for another younger man, but she also wants to put him into a position of powerlessness and humiliate him.

All great if he was going to enjoy that; a mutually beneficial experience, but she has already damaged his self confidence, by not sharing the extent of her fantasy and working toward it behind his back.

[Friskyone4u]

Well buddy, you seem to have one person here determined to convince you to sit in the corner while she bangs another man and feel as humiliated as she wants you to. My advice as it is to everyone ignore the advice that goes against your moral code or reason .

There is nothing in this that interests you or that you can accept . I'd concentrate on insuring In your mind and heart she has not already started the ball rolling and if so what you can do to derail it and just don't even read the nonsense about trying it . I suppose if you try it and she loves it he will advice you to just keep sitting in the corner of the room .

If I understand it right she did NOT confess anything about these sites until you caught her . That is your main problem here

[spanz1]

I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it? .

 

that is an easy one. about HALF of all open marriages end quickly (within 3 years of them becoming open) in divorce. the reality is that:

1) one of the the couple gets too jealous

2) one of the couple does not follow the agreed to boundaries

3) and specifically in cuckolding, the male loses a lot of sexual standing, and the Bull has a much higher sexual standing, so it is easy for the wife to simply leave.

 

And like someone else said, what is in it for HIM? she might love it, but he does not sound like he is into it AT ALL. he will need sexual benefits from ANY relationship they forge going forward.

 

And as far as her setting up sex/dating site accounts and not telling him. well....that is kind of how this all starts. a person gets horny, is on the internet, finds some new kink, and experiments ONLINE with it to see if they are really into it. IF they validate they like it, and want to really try it, a person with good morals would at that point tell their spouse all about it, share passwords, etc. Up until that point, human nature is such that a person would not divulge it until they decided they really liked it! so i do not see her as being "a bad woman" for going about it the way she did. She is just kinky/horny, and went trying to figure out what she really wants. the only real problem is...she picked something that HE is not into at all!

[jen1447]

I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

 

I actually agree with you in principle that being accommodating in general is a very good thing. The problem is I don't think OP specifically is well suited to this kink. A lot of guys seem to post this kind of thing (apparently it's getting pretty common), and you can sort of read between the lines that they might actually be up for it, even if they're putting on a brave show of saying otherwise. I don't get any of that from OP though, he seems genuinely and vehemently opposed. So he's not a good candidate.

 

OP, I do think the two of you seem to have excellent communication, so that's a plus. About all I can suggest to try to sort things out is continued counseling/therapy, because the issues seem more than any casual advice here will be able to deal with.

[spanz1]

She kept a personal fantasy to herself. I don't think that's any sort of offense in a marriage, though she would have been better off broaching the subject before her porn stash was found.

 

We all have fantasies and many times, we are too nervous to tell our spouse.

 

i tend to agree.

but in her case, she is REALLY into it. that is what is so difficult for the OP to fathom, where to go next. it is not like she gave him any half-way measures to try out first. Its "I want you to be a cuckold for real". I would guess only about 5% of the men in the world would be happy to hear THAT request.

[loveweary11]

that is an easy one. about HALF of all open marriages end quickly (within 3 years of them becoming open) in divorce. the reality is that:

1) one of the the couple gets too jealous

2) one of the couple does not follow the agreed to boundaries

3) and specifically in cuckolding, the male loses a lot of sexual standing, and the Bull has a much higher sexual standing, so it is easy for the wife to simply leave.

 

And like someone else said, what is in it for HIM? she might love it, but he does not sound like he is into it AT ALL. he will need sexual benefits from ANY relationship they forge going forward.

 

And as far as her setting up sex/dating site accounts and not telling him. well....that is kind of how this all starts. a person gets horny, is on the internet, finds some new kink, and experiments ONLINE with it to see if they are really into it. IF they validate they like it, and want to really try it, a person with good morals would at that point tell their spouse all about it, share passwords, etc. Up until that point, human nature is such that a person would not divulge it until they decided they really liked it! so i do not see her as being "a bad woman" for going about it the way she did. She is just kinky/horny, and went trying to figure out what she really wants. the only real problem is...she picked something that HE is not into at all!

 

 

That side of it makes a lot of sense, but if you ask a person to choose their partner or a fulfilled sex life... what do you think they'll choose?

 

If they go by the logic in this thread, they will choose their own satisfaction over the partner and either leave or cheat.

 

 

Just like underage drinking, it's better to supervise the inevitable.

 

But I hear everyone. The op is so uncomfortable, it's not a good idea. That leaves him where, exactly?

[badpenny]

The three main stalwarts of a good and successful relationship are:

 

Effective Communication

Trust

Respect. (both self- and for partner.)

 

There seems to be a distinct lack of all three here.

 

No way would I submit to doing something that went against my grain, for my partner, if it meant compromising my free will and personal dignity.

Unthinkable, unacceptable and entirely unnecessary.

 

And my partner would never in a million years, expect me to renege on that.

 

So it's not merely a question of "so what? Just do it if you love them!", loveweary11 (and I'm heavily paraphrasing what you're conveying, I'm sure) this touches on far deeper issues than mere compromise and pleasing one's partner by fulfilling a fantasy.

 

Much deeper.

 

I see now, that you edited.

 

It leaves him with finding (IMO) a qualified and experienced psychosexual counsellor where this issue can be openly discussed without fear of judgement or bias on the aprt of the therapist. Finding a good one may take a while, but I personally would recommend it....

[spanz1]

That leaves him where, exactly?

 

 

 

He is boned bigtime! lol

[Morro72]

With most situations like this - one partner has a fantasy, other partner not interested - you can at least try some experimentation and back out if it gets uncomfortable. With this one it's hard to see how to do that - there is either another guy there or there isn't.

[sandylee1]

With most situations like this - one partner has a fantasy, other partner not interested - you can at least try some experimentation and back out if it gets uncomfortable. With this one it's hard to see how to do that - there is either another guy there or there isn't.

 

Yeah, I agree. You can't do much to protest when your tied up and your wife is being serviced by another man.

 

OP, you need to tell her it's NOT your thing. It's not going to happen, so she can deactivate her profile and let you know what her next fantasy is, because the cuckold one isn't happening.

 

Agreeing to it, could end your marriage because you regret it. Is that what she wants?

 

 

ETA - A fantasy (that one spouse wants to act upon) including a third party, where that person was 'better ' than me., I. E. Younger, slimmer, prettier would leave me somewhat insecure. In your case, the young guys are lined up, ready to roll.

[Robbo]

Wow, so many replies, thanks. I'll clear some things up and answer the questions but first I want to touch on what loveweary11 has been saying.

 

My wife and I have declared many fantasies to each other over the years and we have both progressed these to reality when and where we were both comfortable. The thought of my wife with another man doesn't disgust me alone, even me being there and involved is not something I would say I wanted but would certainly not run in disgust, but the thought of the cuckold situation holds no interest to me at all. I think it's the humiliation aspect that I don't get even though that is actually exciting when just acting out the fantasy. I'm also concerned with the age of her chosen ones, I think the eldest was 21, I wouldn't dare pick out a 21yo girl and suggest to the wife that maybe she'd by up for a threesome. I'm quite sure that wouldn't go down well.

 

There's a big difference between sitting in a corner while she pleases herself with some vibrators pretending they are other men and telling me they are bigger and better than me to those vibrators being replaced with an actual man (well actually boys in this case given the ages of those she has chosen).

 

You need to evaluate precisely WHY you have feelings of guilt, and how deeply they run.

 

I think the thing here is that she in the past has fulfilled fantasies of mine after initially saying no way. I never pushed her into them but over time after much role playing and discussion surrounding them she did agree to try them. Some she liked and we continue to this day, others we never did again. I think maybe I am fighting with myself that I should at least give this fantasy of hers a chance even though I can clearly see that it is not something I want.

 

(1) she already has jumped the gun and has profiles set up on dating websites.

That was done before she told you . So even though you know now, she already has other men picked out. That means she may have contacted some of them already. Since you have said no to the idea, now you are left to either start snooping or HOPE she does not act without you on being with another man . If you BLINDLY assume this is not possible you may get. Very unpleasant surprise.

And there are many "dating sites and apps" she can have that she has not told you about .

 

Sure it's true that she could cheat, she could have already done it, but I trust her that she has not done this, it would be out of character for her. That probably sounds foolish to some given that she has already "broken my trust" by having the dating profile to start with but it was a completely honest profile and I have read all the chat logs and she has never said anything that is not completely true to any of them.

 

more like 10% transparent, she didn't tell him about the online profile or give him the passwords until he found the pictures and discussed having a talk about them to his son, she ultimatly broke down and admitted they were hers and tried to come clean then.

 

I found videos on our computer, I had no idea about a dating profile. You are right that she didn't admit to this until after I found the videos but she didn't need to admit to it at all and I never would have found out. She told me, gave me the password and let me read it all (with her there) so I could see that she was "serious about this fantasy" and that the other guys are "just normal everyday guys" and I shouldn't be worried.

 

Maybe you two can meet somewhere in between. She needs other men, so why not giver her a hall pass to find one and screw him? Of COURSE you would also need a hall pass to find a partner of your own....what is good for the goose....

 

We have discussed this many times before. I wouldn't call our relationship open but the door is ajar a little. We have been to a few swingers clubs and we enjoyed the people there but besides my wife being with one other woman we only ever were with each other. It was more about being around people where you can freely discuss your desires without judgement for us. Maybe we should go back for some "counseling" about this cuckold fantasy...lol.

 

I don't think this fantasy of my wife's is about just being with another guy though. If it were then she could have just suggested we go back to a swingers club as she knows I am already open to that.

 

Also without telling your wife install a key logger on your computer. For your wife may one day decide to meet one of these men without telling you. Remember she has done things behind your back already. You need to quietly monitor to head them off at the pass.

 

Sorry, no. If I feel the need that I must monitor my wife then I might as well walk away now. What next?, get a private detective to follow her, start tracing her phone? I trust her that when she says she hasn't and wont cheat that it is true.

 

Interesting psychology here too.

She wants to sleep with another man, yet wants you also involved in a way that humiliates you... Hmmm...

 

Yes, Hmmm indeed. This is disturbing to me.

 

As an aside - do ensure the kids can't access those folders, as it could have a negative effect on them and be traumatic depending on their ages.

 

This conversation has been had and I was quite angry about it. My son is only 13 and the though of him watching that type of porn had me worried.

 

OP, you need to tell her it's NOT your thing. It's not going to happen, so she can deactivate her profile and let you know what her next fantasy is, because the cuckold one isn't happening.

 

Agreeing to it, could end your marriage because you regret it. Is that what she wants?

 

I put that too her and said I would consider any other fantasy but not this one. She came back with the same fantasy but with another woman instead of a man but me still stuck in corner being cockolded. To be honest (although I didn't tell her this) the thought of watching her with another women again is quite arousing but I still have issue with being stuck in a corner being abused, I just don't get that. And it's not the domination angle as we have participated quite a bit in BDSM activities and we both switch between dom/sub. I guess it's just the thought of that third person seeing me being humiliated? I really don't know why I am not into this but I certainly know I'm not.

 

Hopefully that covered it all. Thanks for all the replies btw. It's quite therapeutic to talk.

[elaine567]

I guess it's just the thought of that third person seeing me being humiliated? I really don't know why I am not into this but I certainly know I'm not..

 

I don't really think you would be alone there.

I guess your wife wouldn't be too happy to be tied up in the corner and humiliated, while you indulged in your fantasy with another young woman either.

[jen1447]

Well you seem a bit more okay with the possibilities now, so I'll suggest the obvious compromise - she gets to 'cuckold' you but without the humiliation.

 

The cuckold thing can take many forms, from the mild end of the spectrum where the guy is pretty much a partner in crime and may not even be there for the encounters but gets told about them later, to the extreme end where the guy is 'forced' to clean up afterwards so to speak or even participate in the sex to some degree. Is your wife really intent on you being humiliated, or could she compromise and let you take a lesser role or a partner role?

 

If it's the humiliation itself she loves (that is a legit kink for some women), maybe compromise in that she could Skype with a guy and humiliate you.

 

You seem reasonably together from what I've read on here (which admittedly isn't a lot), but take this with a grain of salt bc it actually does take a guy with some balls to be able to withstand that kind of treatment if it gets extreme. Ask yourself if you're that guy and be honest about your answer before you sign onto anything.

 

Otherwise I have to say that like loveweary was saying, doing something this bold for your woman can be a real show of affection for her, and the rewards could be huge. But be careful and keep communicating well before you pull the trigger on anything.

 

Please keep us updated btw, it'd be interesting to see how this plays out. I know a few other couples who live this way, curious to see how you fit in.

[loveweary11]

This is exactly where I was going with it.

 

These things aren't black and white. They are every shade of the rainbow plus a few new colors.

 

OP can get through this by indulging the fantasy within his own limits of comfort.

 

I mean... what thrreat is a 21 year old kid? The kid is a toy. A prop. And if OP feels he wants a 21 year old girl, it's basically his right too. To get a big favor, she has to be prepared to give something back.

 

It can all be worked out as long as there is trust, loyalty and communication.

 

It's all about finding the right fit for bothnof you.

 

Well you seem a bit more okay with the possibilities now, so I'll suggest the obvious compromise - she gets to 'cuckold' you but without the humiliation.

 

The cuckold thing can take many forms, from the mild end of the spectrum where the guy is pretty much a partner in crime and may not even be there for the encounters but gets told about them later, to the extreme end where the guy is 'forced' to clean up afterwards so to speak or even participate in the sex to some degree. Is your wife really intent on you being humiliated, or could she compromise and let you take a lesser role or a partner role?

 

If it's the humiliation itself she loves (that is a legit kink for some women), maybe compromise in that she could Skype with a guy and humiliate you.

 

You seem reasonably together from what I've read on here (which admittedly isn't a lot), but take this with a grain of salt bc it actually does take a guy with some balls to be able to withstand that kind of treatment if it gets extreme. Ask yourself if you're that guy and be honest about your answer before you sign onto anything.

 

Otherwise I have to say that like loveweary was saying, doing something this bold for your woman can be a real show of affection for her, and the rewards could be huge. But be careful and keep communicating well before you pull the trigger on anything.

 

Please keep us updated btw, it'd be interesting to see how this plays out. I know a few other couples who live this way, curious to see how you fit in.

[loveweary11]

I don't really think you would be alone there.

I guess your wife wouldn't be too happy to be tied up in the corner and humiliated, while you indulged in your fantasy with another young woman either.

 

But she has to be fine with it if she is asking him to do it.

 

That's how mature relationships work. There are no power struggles. It is a climate of giving and acceptance, with the understanding that you will get back what you put in. Anything less isn't worth being in.

[Robbo]

But she has to be fine with it if she is asking him to do it.

 

That's actually a good point. I might ask her if I can choose my woman to be with while she's tied in the corner and forced to watch. I can't believe I never thought of this before.

 

I'm not saying this is what I want but I am interested whether this is a two way or one way street.

[loveweary11]

That's actually a good point. I might ask her if I can choose my woman to be with while she's tied in the corner and forced to watch. I can't believe I never thought of this before.

 

I'm not saying this is what I want but I am interested whether this is a two way or one way street.

 

It can ONLY be a 2 way street, otherwise, you have an actual serious crisis going on, imo.

 

But don't turn it negative. Don't make it eye for an eye.

 

Get your own deepest fantasy, not revenge.

 

You should both be on the same side, understanding and sympathetic to each other. Loving, caring. It's not a contest.

 

Only go for your most ultimate fantasy in return, as you would be granting hers. Surely reverse cuckold isn't your greatest fantasy...?

[Methodical]

I've only read your initial post so this may have been stated already. At this point it's a fantasy, not reality. Just be careful if you decide to see it thru bc once the fantasy becomes reality, it can't be undone. You need to be 1000% sure. You also need to accept ahead of time that afterward you can't hold a grudge or become accusatory if things don't turn out the way you expected them to bc again, fantasy and reality aren't the same and rarely will something go down exactly as you thought it would or should and that can be a slippery slope.

[Morro72]

Are there humiliation fantasies - other than the ones currently under discussion - that you would be comfortable trying with your wife, either as substitutes or as a way of getting more information about how you would really feel about what she is proposing? (I'm talking about fantasies which do not involve a third person, so the two of you would be in complete control of the situation.)

[Robbo]

Are there humiliation fantasies - other than the ones currently under discussion - that you would be comfortable trying with your wife, either as substitutes or as a way of getting more information about how you would really feel about what she is proposing? (I'm talking about fantasies which do not involve a third person, so the two of you would be in complete control of the situation.)

 

We dabble in a bit of BDSM and we switch so when I am the sub I would be subjected to this sort of thing. I only worked out after reading through these posts that I think my issue lies with a third person seeing my humiliation. I have been humiliated with just the wife and I before without issue and we have had the occasional multi person encounter without issue. I think it's the two together that is causing issue?

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know. I mean we all have a fantasy or two and for the most part it's kept between our ears. Now even if you would be able to see your wife with another guy is one thing, but to be tied to a chair and not only watching them carry on business together but then being the sub cuckold and having them hurling insults at you while their bumping uglies IMO goes way beyond. I would think that if you really loved someone with all your heart, the last thing you would want to do is humiliate or take their dignity and self respect.

 

Honestly I think you wouldn't be able to look yourself in the mirror after that. Tell her to pick another card cause this one is a killer

[Mr. Lucky]

we have had the occasional multi person encounter without issue.

 

Pandora's box for many relationships. For couples with less that perfect communication, seems like boundaries are blurred post encounter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Let your wife know that you're okay with her having sex with another guy, that you are okay with being there BUT not the humiliation part. I think this is a good compromise. The age of the guys she's looking at does suggest her wanting a young stud. As I said earlier that's concerning, not that I expect her to choose hugh heffner.

 

In a lot of cuckold videos, the guy they bring in is a lot younger and that adds to the humiliation. References to 'he's so big' 'you can't last this long', 'lick it up' etc.. Total humiliation