It's over guys.. [updated]

[lolablue17]

If and when you decide to contact her, I advice you not to send her the heavy letter you want to write.

 

Instead, start communicating with her more naturally. Think of something you can start talking to her about, as if you have never broken up. Send her a new song you liked, or tell her something small, maybe funny about you... things like that.

 

I mean, don't throw a heavy weight twards her, just try to have her on a line of nice easy, light, ongoing communication.

[Simon Phoenix]

Im in denial that's true. Im looking for all the little "positive" signs that she will contact me but there aren't any. She blocked me a week after she broke up. I think there was a slight chance she needed space but when i begged it pushed her away even more to the point of her blocking me a week later. So still every day I'm living with the questions and "what-ifs" what if i hadn't begged or sent her a letter when she broke up? Maybe she would've gotten back by now? It sucks I did the rookie mistakes immediately after break up.

 

And what has changed since then? You haven't. I mean, all you've done is piss and moan and plot this heavy-handed, awkward contact. There's nothing wrong with the pissing and moaning necessarily -- that's part of the recovery process -- but you are looking to go from step one to step 10 while willfully ignoring the rest of it. You want to charge into a gun fight with a butter knife.

 

And lolablue's suggestion of light communication isn't going to work for multiple reasons: 1. you aren't capable of such communication at this point and 2. it's going to come off so awkward, clumsy and manipulative that you almost might as well be begging.

 

Basically, you are in the first hour of the first day of flight school and you want to try to fly a fighter jet in enemy territory. If you can even get the jet off the ground you're either going to crash into a building, plunge into the water, or get shot down right away. You aren't even skipping steps at this point -- you haven't even started any of the steps other than the mourning.

[drallafi]

What would u do if you were in my shoes?

1. How would you improve yourself?

2. How long would you wait for her or would you ever reach out?

 

Here's the thing.

Most of the people in this thread came to loveshack with the mindset that you have right now. I would imagine most of us were dumpees at some point in the recent past, and we have the benefit of no longer being in that emotional state that you're in right now. We have the benefit of having trudged though the pain and surviving and realizing that moving on was the best decision that we could have made. You don't have that right now. Where you are is a place where pain is all you know, and you'll do almost anything to make it stop. You see your ex as the source of that pain, and so you also see her as the solution. Here is how I would answer your questions, as someone who has the benefit of hindsight.

 

1. How would you improve yourself?

I wouldn't. First thing you need to realize is that there's probably nothing wrong with you. No, you aren't perfect, but you were good enough to attract her in the first place. Just because she fell out of love afterwards doesn't mean you're inherently flawed. Instead of trying to improve yourself, get in the habit of just liking yourself again. I know, this is easier said than done.

 

2. How long would you wait for her or would you ever reach out?

Never wait, and never reach out. Again, this is coming from someone who's not feeling the torture of heartbreak, so yes it's easy for me to say. The reason that it's hard for you to come to terms with never seeing her again is because you think it will always hurt; it won't. You think you'll never feel normal again or never feel excited about a woman again... that's nonsense. I know that what I'm saying doesn't resonate because you're not in a mindset to hear it, but that's what I would do.

 

Good luck.

[Satu]

Since you broke up, you've spent lots and lots of time thinking about her.

 

She's probably spent lots and lots of time thinking about herself too.

 

Who's been thinking about you?

[Satu]

From where I'm sitting, the idea of trying to 'change' to be 'good enough' for someone seems obscene.

 

F**k that.

 

If you don't have the right to be yourself, you've got nothing.

 

Grow, learn, improve yes, but not for somebody else.

 

**************************************************

 

 

Always cold

While you'd self-incriminate

By avoiding all my questions

And calling me an instigator

Cut me down

Always calling me unstable

You so easily can make me cry

Just cause you are in a mood

And you'd say

 

Call me out

You would say I need attention

Just because I put on makeup

To ironically look good for you

Cut me to pieces

While you watched me disintegrate

Because you like to tell me how you hate

All the ways I'm not enough for you

Then you'd say

 

[Chorus:]

Baby don't go

I didn't know

I'll change I swear

I'll change I swear

Baby don't go

I'll make you wait

I promise I'll be better

All of these things they will change

 

Baby don't go

I didn't know

I'll change I swear

I'll change I swear

Baby don't go

I'll make you wait

I promise I'll be better

All of these things they will change

 

Never guilty

Say it ain't your fault

Because you had an emotionally abusive daddy

And cause of this you don't know how to act

 

Poor poor baby

Say you can't help the fact that you're so crazy

And you're so good at making me feel guilty

For trying to walk away

Because I'm tired of being mad

Then you'd say

 

[Chorus]

[na49]

Since you broke up, you've spent lots and lots of time thinking about her.

 

She's probably spent lots and lots of time thinking about herself too.

 

Who's been thinking about you?

 

I want to print this out, staple it to the wall in my room, and read it every single day. Thank you.

 

Wait so you didn't break no contact? Also the chances of her contacting you remain the same. They don't go up or down with time passing. I could argue that they go up because she will wonder about what you're up to after a while. The chances of her wanting you back go down by you making "light contact" though. (whatever that means)

[dvx]

And what has changed since then? You haven't. I mean, all you've done is piss and moan and plot this heavy-handed, awkward contact. There's nothing wrong with the pissing and moaning necessarily -- that's part of the recovery process -- but you are looking to go from step one to step 10 while willfully ignoring the rest of it. You want to charge into a gun fight with a butter knife.

 

And lolablue's suggestion of light communication isn't going to work for multiple reasons: 1. you aren't capable of such communication at this point and 2. it's going to come off so awkward, clumsy and manipulative that you almost might as well be begging.

 

Basically, you are in the first hour of the first day of flight school and you want to try to fly a fighter jet in enemy territory. If you can even get the jet off the ground you're either going to crash into a building, plunge into the water, or get shot down right away. You aren't even skipping steps at this point -- you haven't even started any of the steps other than the mourning.

I guess i'll stay in nc forever. Im too afraid to contact her at this point. I know Im not ready for any type of negative response. And Im 99.99% sure she won't ever contact me. That's what makes it so hard to realize. And the more I think about it the worse I feel. But the last thing I want is come back and show her Im weak and needy/desperate. Even if there is not much dignity left to save, there is more to lose by reaching out first.

 

I want to print this out, staple it to the wall in my room, and read it every single day. Thank you.

 

Wait so you didn't break no contact? Also the chances of her contacting you remain the same. They don't go up or down with time passing. I could argue that they go up because she will wonder about what you're up to after a while. The chances of her wanting you back go down by you making "light contact" though. (whatever that means)

I didn't. I hope you're right but I doubt it. It sounds too good to be true. She is a very determined and stubborn woman that is older then me and has much more experience both in life and in relations, so the odds of her reaching out or going back to any ex what so ever is minimal. When I was with her we used to have these discussions about if she would ever think about going back to an ex. And her response to that was very a very determined one that she would never look back once she cut all ties. But I could be wrong. I don't know her history, just what she has told me.

 

Maybe I was just a rebound and maybe she went back to her ex? who knows.

[ZiggyZoo]

When I was with her we used to have these discussions about if she would ever think about going back to an ex. And her response to that was very a very determined one that she would never look back once she cut all ties. But I could be wrong. I don't know her history, just what she has told me.

 

You DO know how she's acting towards you, an ex, right now. And it looks to me like she's cut all ties and is never looking back, just like she said.

[dvx]

You DO know how she's acting towards you, an ex, right now. And it looks to me like she's cut all ties and is never looking back, just like she said.

 

Well both of her exes cheated on her so that is kinda explainable. My mistakes were never that big enough.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, it's time for you to use No Contact constructively. Being Mopey McMopealot is understandable at first, but it's time for you to move forward and get out of that state. It's time for you to become a better you. Not for her, but for yourself going forward. Breakups are a great time to take inventory of your life and working on the things you want to be better at emotionally, behaviorally, physically, socially, psychologically, etc.

 

I've had three breakups in various portions of my life that were devastating at the time. But I truly believe I've become a better me as the result of them. Sure, I mourned like you have mourned and I annoyed the piss out of friends being mopey, but I also refused to let these negative occurrences define my worth. If anything, they drove me to show more of what I'm capable of. Since the last breakup I've become fiscally more responsible (eradicated a good amount of debt while actually accumulating decent savings), physically more healthy (have lost 55ish pounds and counting) and have become more assertive and secure in how I carry myself and how I act.

 

Not saying this to brag by any means. I'm saying that you have a great opportunity to take a bad situation and come out better on the other side. But you are never going to do that by sitting around statically and by constantly plotting to try to go back in time out of neediness and fear (because let's face it, those are your main motivators for wanting contact right now).

 

Breakups suck, but they can result in some pretty cool things down the road. But you have to be active in getting to the cool things, or you will be forever stuck in the muck.

[dvx]

Well, it's time for you to use No Contact constructively. Being Mopey McMopealot is understandable at first, but it's time for you to move forward and get out of that state. It's time for you to become a better you. Not for her, but for yourself going forward. Breakups are a great time to take inventory of your life and working on the things you want to be better at emotionally, behaviorally, physically, socially, psychologically, etc.

 

I've had three breakups in various portions of my life that were devastating at the time. But I truly believe I've become a better me as the result of them. Sure, I mourned like you have mourned and I annoyed the piss out of friends being mopey, but I also refused to let these negative occurrences define my worth. If anything, they drove me to show more of what I'm capable of. Since the last breakup I've become fiscally more responsible (eradicated a good amount of debt while actually accumulating decent savings), physically more healthy (have lost 55ish pounds and counting) and have become more assertive and secure in how I carry myself and how I act.

 

Not saying this to brag by any means. I'm saying that you have a great opportunity to take a bad situation and come out better on the other side. But you are never going to do that by sitting around statically and by constantly plotting to try to go back in time out of neediness and fear (because let's face it, those are your main motivators for wanting contact right now).

 

Breakups suck, but they can result in some pretty cool things down the road. But you have to be active in getting to the cool things, or you will be forever stuck in the muck.

 

Lol. Well sometimes I think it's her loss. Like someone said if she can't me at my worst she don't deserve me at my best. I was going through some stuff when I met her and hadn't completely moved on from a previous ex but overall I was good to her and treated her nicely, respectfully and caring. I never told her I loved her. I wasn't ready for that and I was waiting for her to say it. Kinda regret it today since i realize I did love her. But didn't let her in completely. I had my previous trust issues and these were the downfall here.

 

The only way for me to completely move on one day is by meeting someone even better looking, smarter, more loyal, sweet, caring etc then her. Which will be a difficult task since she had it all pretty much.

[Satu]

The bottom line is that you can't make somebody want you when they don't.

 

You could win an Olympic medal, the Nobel Peace Prize, and start a new business that becomes as big as Microsoft, but if the hunger isn't there, none of it will make any difference.

 

If she had any hunger at all for you, she'd have been in touch.

[Simon Phoenix]

The only way for me to completely move on one day is by meeting someone even better looking, smarter, more loyal, sweet, caring etc then her. Which will be a difficult task since she had it all pretty much.

 

This is BS. Don't be a monkey swinging from branch to branch. You don't need another person to validate your worth. Maybe that's what you need to work on during No Contact.

[joseb]

This is BS. Don't be a monkey swinging from branch to branch. You don't need another person to validate your worth. Maybe that's what you need to work on during No Contact.

 

This.

 

You got yourself into this relationship too quickly after the last one, now you are talking about trying to get into another one to overcome this one (and I guess the last one still)

 

The best thing for you is to go NC, take time off dating and work on yourself (not as a way to get someone back or impress them, but for YOU so you can have better relationships that make YOU happy)

[Satu]

Eventually we all have to come to the point where we accept ourselves for who we are.

 

Nobody can do that for us.

[erklat]

Good luck with following 'text your ex back systems'.

 

Since I can see you are eager to touch the stove, I don't

think we can talk you out of it. Once I reached the magical

number of forever nc, I wished that I was the guy who walked

away without much argument. But I was the guy who sent the

letter.

[drallafi]

Good luck with following 'text your ex back systems'.

 

Since I can see you are eager to touch the stove, I don't

think we can talk you out of it. Once I reached the magical

number of forever nc, I wished that I was the guy who walked

away without much argument. But I was the guy who sent the

letter.

 

I wrote the letter, but never sent it.

Thank ****ing god.

[Chi townD]

I guess i'll stay in nc forever. Im too afraid to contact her at this point. I know Im not ready for any type of negative response. And Im 99.99% sure she won't ever contact me. That's what makes it so hard to realize. And the more I think about it the worse I feel. But the last thing I want is come back and show her Im weak and needy/desperate. Even if there is not much dignity left to save, there is more to lose by reaching out first.

 

 

 

 

Now, here's the rub. Even though you haven't talked to her or seen her for 30 days, TODAY is your first day of NC because you're actually going to apply it to what it is intended for and that's to heal and move on with your life.

 

 

That first 30 days really doesn't count because you had every intention of contacting her. You were hoping that not contacting her would make her miss you and then she would break her silence. Didn't work. So, now it's time to use NC as the tool it was meant for.

 

 

Start a hard NC and start making positive changes in your life.

[mtnbiker3000]

This is BS. Don't be a monkey swinging from branch to branch. You don't need another person to validate your worth. Maybe that's what you need to work on during No Contact.

 

^^^ This!!! You simply cannot gain validation or approval through a partner. I know because I've spent a large part of my life trying to do this, especially through sex! It doesn't work. It may work for a short time, but it's basically a ticking time bomb. Many 'nice guys' focus on keeping a partner sexually available and feel that this is a form of validation and approval. It is not!

 

You must work on giving yourself what you need. The bad news: it's tough to understand and apply this after a lifetime of doing the opposite. Again, I know from personal experience. The good news: it's possible. Everything you need is already within you. You just have to figure out the way to unlock it.

 

I'd start by reading this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover.

[dvx]

This is BS. Don't be a monkey swinging from branch to branch. You don't need another person to validate your worth. Maybe that's what you need to work on during No Contact.

Im done with relationships for the next 2-3 years that's for sure. Im not doing the same mistake ever again. Im done with getting emotionally attached too quickly just to get my heart ripped out again. Maybe this was a sign from God that i needed to learn the hard way so I can have a functional normal good relationship with someone better next time when I'm more cautious, prepared and experienced.

This.

 

You got yourself into this relationship too quickly after the last one, now you are talking about trying to get into another one to overcome this one (and I guess the last one still)

 

The best thing for you is to go NC, take time off dating and work on yourself (not as a way to get someone back or impress them, but for YOU so you can have better relationships that make YOU happy)

Yeah that was the issue. But I guess I needed to learn it this way and get this experience or else I would always make the same mistakes. I think now at least I got a better grip on how to react with women and how to understand them better.

Eventually we all have to come to the point where we accept ourselves for who we are.

 

Nobody can do that for us.

You're right. I must start loving myself first before loving someone else. I added all my eggs in the same basket with her and forgot about my self and just made her and her feelings my priority.

 

^^^ This!!! You simply cannot gain validation or approval through a partner. I know because I've spent a large part of my life trying to do this, especially through sex! It doesn't work. It may work for a short time, but it's basically a ticking time bomb. Many 'nice guys' focus on keeping a partner sexually available and feel that this is a form of validation and approval. It is not!

 

You must work on giving yourself what you need. The bad news: it's tough to understand and apply this after a lifetime of doing the opposite. Again, I know from personal experience. The good news: it's possible. Everything you need is already within you. You just have to figure out the way to unlock it.

 

I'd start by reading this book: No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover.

Thanks. I've read that book couple weeks ago. I definitely could relate to a lot of the stuff in there. Especially the following quotes:

 

The Nice Guy's ongoing attempt to hide his perceived badness makes intimacy a challenge. The moment Nice Guys enter a relationship they begin a balancing act. In relationships, a life-and-death struggle is played out to balance their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Vulnerability means someone may get too close to them and see how bad they are. Nice Guys are convinced that when others make this discovery, these people will hurt them, shame them, or leave them.

 

The alternative doesn't seem any better. Isolating themselves from others recreates the abandonment experiences that were so terrifying in childhood.

 

In order to balance his fear of vulnerability and fear of abandonment, a Nice Guy needs help. He finds it in people who are equally wounded and also have difficulty with intimacy. Together they co-create relationships that simultaneously frustrate all parties while protecting them from their fear of being found out.

 

and

 

In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something radically different from what

 

they have done previously. For Nice Guys, putting the self first is not just a suggestion to try on for size. It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.

 

Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment. I learned this lesson first-hand a few years back.

 

Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

 

For Nice Guys, trying to become needless and wantless was a primary way of trying to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences. Since it was when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away.

 

These helpless little boys concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, then no one would abandon them. They also convinced themselves that if they didn't have needs, it wouldn't hurt so bad when the needs weren't met. Not only did they learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very survival seemed to depend on appearing not to have needs.

 

This created an unsolvable bind: these helpless little boys could not totally repress their needs and stay alive, and they could not meet their needs on their own. The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and wantless while trying to get needs met in indirect and covert ways.

 

As a result of these childhood survival mechanisms, Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few

 

needs or wants. Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

[Satu]

You are really making progress now.

 

Keep on taking care of yourself, and you'll eventually be happier than you ever thought you could be.

 

Thats the truth.

[LeaveMeAlone]

You read that right.

 

So i've reached the magic number of 30 days NC. That's 4 weeks, 1 month, 30 days, whatever you want to call it.

 

Like I assumed and knew from the start: She hasn't (or will) reached out.

 

I don't know what she is doing, how she is feeling. But I know that I'm feeling that this is something I must do. Even though most (all) of you will think its not something to do. Yeah she left me, she has the power and should be the one to contact me. I just don't wanna sit and wait forever and ever with the hope that one day she will.

 

These 30 days have felt like 30 months for me. It's been hell. And for every single day that goes by after the 30 day mark will be even more painful for me knowing that it's one day closer for her to completely move on and never even remember me anymore.

 

Why am I reaching out? For 3 reasons.

1. To get closure (get the door closed to my face)

2. To give up hope and know for sure that it's really final.

3. I was the one who did her wrong, even though she left me, the problems were all my fault and reactions. I've changed now, so it's up to me to contact her and at least let her know that I'm a better man.

 

What do I have to loose by reaching out? Nothing. What's the worst that could happen? a) either she doesn't even answer/reply, b) She say's there is no chance.

Nothing except that my NC will go back to day 1. So why not take the risk? Rather then living forever and ever in hope and wonderings if she would of reached out, maybe she waited for me to reach out etc.

 

I've read successful stories where the dumpee reached out.

 

I've written a letter that I'm either planing to send her or hand it to her personally by going to her home.

 

Im not gona call or text her. Im too scared she won't answer. The letter should give her time alone to read it when she is ready.

 

I could wait another 30 days. But that will be 30 days closer for her to completely have forgotten me and moved on since our relationship was less then 6 months long.

 

I agree with the people saying "If she wanted to reach out she would have done so".

 

Fact is, you got dumped - not her, YOU!

 

NC should be about going away and NOT turning back.

 

All this 30 day bull crap is useless and as soon as you contact you go back to that weak, useless and clingy ******* you were when your ex decided to dump you.

 

"What do I have to loose by reaching out?" --- You lose self-respect, and you turn into a creep. Not only that, but you give her all the ****ing power

 

"either she doesn't even answer/reply" --- It's likely she wont

 

" She say's there is no chance" --- Beats me why you're even bothering if that's what you feel. You're a chump.

 

 

All this might come as harsh, but it's FACT. You're acting like a little girl.

[dvx]

I agree with the people saying "If she wanted to reach out she would have done so".

 

Fact is, you got dumped - not her, YOU!

 

NC should be about going away and NOT turning back.

 

All this 30 day bull crap is useless and as soon as you contact you go back to that weak, useless and clingy ******* you were when your ex decided to dump you.

 

"What do I have to loose by reaching out?" --- You lose self-respect, and you turn into a creep. Not only that, but you give her all the ****ing power

 

"either she doesn't even answer/reply" --- It's likely she wont

 

" She say's there is no chance" --- Beats me why you're even bothering if that's what you feel. You're a chump.

 

 

All this might come as harsh, but it's FACT. You're acting like a little girl.

 

It's not a secret that I was doing these 30 days of NC hoping for her to come back. It's not a secret that I counted the days thinking that she would reach out within these 30 days. I must say I'm pretty surprised even though I know she is strong that she hasn't even sent a single breadcrumb. It's not a secret that I counted the days waiting for the 30 day mark so I could contact her and thinking we would have a chance again. I really thought innerly that she would reach out within 30 days.

 

But i've now stopped counting after the 30 day mark. There is no need to keep counting the days anymore and waiting and hoping. Even if hope is the last thing that leaves one, I have to stop counting and start living.

 

In her eyes i've probably lost all self-respect and dignity by being needy, desperate and begging during BU, no amount of NC will change that. And it might be a reason why she doesn't reach out, she saw a side of me that she never before have seen or ever thought I was capable of. She knew me as the strong secure man that i introduced her to from the beginning.

[LeaveMeAlone]

[quote=dvx;6287549 I have to stop counting and start living.

 

 

 

So do it, and DON'T send anything to her.

[dvx]

So do it, and DON'T send anything to her.

 

What if she is thinking: What the hell happened to him, he begged and said he would do anything for us and now he's completely disappeared, what a jerk! If he would of wanted to fight for us he would of not given up after a week. Im glad i left him.

 

Is there a chance she might be thinking this? That just because I'm completely quiet she might think I've stopped caring and fighting for her?