It's over guys.. [updated]

[Simon Phoenix]

What would u do if you were in my shoes?

1. How would you improve yourself?

2. How long would you wait for her or would you ever reach out?

 

I'd identify my issues and work on them. What specifically I would do depends on what the actual issues are. But I'd definitely hang out with friends more, make new friends, have new experiences, pick up a new hobby or spend more time on an old one, I'd work out more, I'd actually do something instead of sitting around waiting to contact.

 

I wouldn't be waiting on her at all. By waiting on someone, you are delaying your recovery and your evolution. If I did reach out, it would be well down the road when I was cool with whatever the result would be. Where I wasn't trying to get her back. Where I wouldn't care if I saw her with another guy.

 

If I were in your shoes I would actually do something to help my personal situation, which you haven't done at all. I would make the most out of the situation and use this as a tool to learn and become a better person.

[joseb]

Don't we all do it at first just to get them back?

Where did you get that idea from? No, NC is to heal and recover,

to start to forget about this person, to realise there is more to life,

to remember you had a life before you met her.

I doubt you have been doing NC - I see you say in another post:

 

"She works, she parties, she's with friends, she is happy on pictures"

 

How do you know this if you have been NC?

[dvx]

ok, so you asked what if i'm no different in 30 more days right? Let me put this as bluntly and kindly as possible. YOU WILL FEEL DIFFERENT IN 30 DAYS. The only way you would get her back is if she somehow came back and said this exact statement, "I miss you and i made a mistake by ever breaking up with you in the first place." You SHOULD NEVER have to fight for someone to love you and want to be with you. EVER. A relationship is about TWO people, not just yourself. Yes you love her or you wouldn't feel as crazy about her as you do. And you know what, that shows that you have the ability to love someone that much, that shows how big of a heart you have. That says a lot about you. That shows that you can love someone that way again in the future. Would you rather love someone in that way that doesn't return it and dumps you?? or someone that will love you unconditionally no matter what in the same way. I watched my own mother stand by my father while he continued to drink with cirhossis of the liver, she continued supporting him and making him his prescribed meals despite the fact he was literally killing himself. He died within a year of his diagnosis. She's still torn up about it a year later and will be for a very long time if not until the day she dies. Someone that would dump you is not worth your love, someone that dumps you is not worth not trying to get over, someone that dumps you is not worth taking back especially if she hasn't reached out to you. No girl is worth chasing. No girl is worth sacrificing yourself for. No girl is worth losing yourself for. Use the time you have away from her to better yourself and to figure out what YOU deserve. You deserve someone better just based on the fact that you love this girl as much as you do. It shows how big of a heart you have and that is a POSITIVE. Find someone who has that big of a heart and find that person that will not ever leave you. If she does happen to come back, that has to be her decision and then you'll have to make that decision for yourself. But you can not ever win a girl back. She has to want you. I wish you the very best.

Thank you for the encouragement. 30 days have passed and I still don't feel different though. Plus it feels like I did deserve to get dumped, she never got to see the best man that I can possible be. She met me at my worst and ran.

 

I just have to say, you love tupac and I love tupac. With that thread connecting us, I'm going to strongly suggest you reconsider contacting her. I know that you want to reconcile. I know. Heal your self first before you try and get her back. Having had my heart broken twice by the same person I can advise you that it still hurts just as much the second time around.

 

I am rooting for you!!!

Thanks. Im gonna give it another 30 days. But I'm pretty sure it won't make any difference for me or for my feelings and fear. I wish u luck too.

 

I'd identify my issues and work on them. What specifically I would do depends on what the actual issues are. But I'd definitely hang out with friends more, make new friends, have new experiences, pick up a new hobby or spend more time on an old one, I'd work out more, I'd actually do something instead of sitting around waiting to contact.

 

I wouldn't be waiting on her at all. By waiting on someone, you are delaying your recovery and your evolution. If I did reach out, it would be well down the road when I was cool with whatever the result would be. Where I wasn't trying to get her back. Where I wouldn't care if I saw her with another guy.

 

If I were in your shoes I would actually do something to help my personal situation, which you haven't done at all. I would make the most out of the situation and use this as a tool to learn and become a better person.

 

Makes sense, thanks. Even though "easier said then done".

I guess 30 days is not enough not even for her, to forget the things I did and put them behind her. Or for her to even think that i've changed in such small amount of time. Im doing another 30 days, trying to work on myself more.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you for the encouragement. 30 days have passed and I still don't feel different though. Plus it feels like I did deserve to get dumped, she never got to see the best man that I can possible be. She met me at my worst and ran.

 

 

Thanks. Im gonna give it another 30 days. But I'm pretty sure it won't make any difference for me or for my feelings and fear. I wish u luck too.

 

 

 

Makes sense, thanks. Even though "easier said then done".

I guess 30 days is not enough not even for her, to forget the things I did and put them behind her. Or for her to even think that i've changed in such small amount of time. Im doing another 30 days, trying to work on myself more.

 

You are going to need a lot more than 30 days. And you have to get this "countdown to reaching out" out of your system entirely. You've stubborn stuck by it, which is why you haven't learned a thing and done a think. Improve to make YOURSELF better, not to impress someone. This is a great opportunity for you to evolve as a person, but it's not going to happen if you keep planning on revisiting the past. Work toward the future, not to clumsily bring up the past.

 

And yes, it's easier said than done. Most things worth doing are easier said that done. But it's time for you to actually do something.

[ravfour4]

I'd agree despite not taking my own advice, I've kept in contact with my ex the whole 3 months after my break-up, we're distant now, I have my dignity and I have been focusing on myself to focus on myself (not to get her back) and I feel a lot better.

 

Before when we lived together for the 2 months after the break-up, I had multiple talks about how I felt, how I'd improve etc., but I didn't actually do any of that until she moved out. Then, finally, I was able to focus on myself instead of constantly focusing on trying to get her back. I think she was gone from the second she said let's break up, and even more so after I tried as hard as I could to convince her that we could make it work. I'm likely to have one last conversation with her in the near future over our dog (if she ever responds) and then go NC forever.

 

I would wait at least 15 more days and spend those 15 days focusing on you - work out, eat better, get more sleep and try to be selfish as hell. Revaluate how you feel after those 15 days and then give it another 15 more. You don't want to talk to her until you're confident that nothing she can say will hurt you or make you act an emotional fool. I've gotten close to this with my ex, but it still hurts after she leaves, even if I'm not liking her when she's present.

[sutsie]

maybe you weren't the best you could be for her, but if she can't handle you when you're not your best, then she doesn't deserve you when you are your best. In 30 days I PROMISE you that you will feel differently than you do right now assuming you keep up no contact and work on moving on and bettering yourself. Don't treat this break up as a negative or it will be a negative. Treat it as a learning experience to better yourself and learn that you deserve better. There are better girls out there. I'm not gonna give you the cliche "plenty of fish in the sea" because that's complete bs. It's total nonsense. Everybody knows theres only one fish that you want. And in 30 days i believe you'll realize she's not that fish. I don't want to encourage monitoring her social media or anything but I've done it with my ex and i'm approaching 30 days no contact on thursday and i've found doing so has helped me move on because she posts ignorant, selfish, and slutty things on hers and it makes me feel better. Do whatever you have to do to become stronger and figure out what you deserve. Please head my advice and words that the fact you can love someone as much as you do only shows you deserve better and only shows how big of a heart you have. Someone out there will truly appreciate that. I promise you that. The fact you're a dude on a break up forum like myself shows your a deep thinker and have deep feelings. Some girl out there will appreciate that.

[Fallenangel82]

I don't think sending a letter is a good idea. Personally, I do not feel that breaking NC at all is a good idea. If she wanted to reach out to you by now she would have and she hasn't. You can send her a short text but expect the worst. Then you will have to redo NC from square one.

 

This is coming from someone who has broken NC three times in 2 months and those three times led to my ex boyfriend using me purely for sex and him admitting that. It didn't change anything.

 

If you wish to go ahead, good luck. I hope you get the closure you need from this to move on.

 

 

This right here! Every single time I've broken NC the same has happened to me. He "still isn't ready for a relationship again" but sure didn't hesitate jumping in the sack. Ive touched that fire way too many times, and am now at the point where all I can say is, by all means break it, but be prepared to feel 10 times worse afterwards...

 

Her recent silence should be all the closure you need.

[Fufu]

You read that right.

 

So i've reached the magic number of 30 days NC. That's 4 weeks, 1 month, 30 days, whatever you want to call it.

 

Like I assumed and knew from the start: She hasn't (or will) reached out.

 

I don't know what she is doing, how she is feeling. But I know that I'm feeling that this is something I must do. Even though most (all) of you will think its not something to do. Yeah she left me, she has the power and should be the one to contact me. I just don't wanna sit and wait forever and ever with the hope that one day she will.

 

These 30 days have felt like 30 months for me. It's been hell. And for every single day that goes by after the 30 day mark will be even more painful for me knowing that it's one day closer for her to completely move on and never even remember me anymore.

 

Why am I reaching out? For 3 reasons.

1. To get closure (get the door closed to my face)

2. To give up hope and know for sure that it's really final.

3. I was the one who did her wrong, even though she left me, the problems were all my fault and reactions. I've changed now, so it's up to me to contact her and at least let her know that I'm a better man.

 

What do I have to loose by reaching out? Nothing. What's the worst that could happen? a) either she doesn't even answer/reply, b) She say's there is no chance.

Nothing except that my NC will go back to day 1. So why not take the risk? Rather then living forever and ever in hope and wonderings if she would of reached out, maybe she waited for me to reach out etc.

 

I've read successful stories where the dumpee reached out.

 

I've written a letter that I'm either planing to send her or hand it to her personally by going to her home.

 

Im not gona call or text her. Im too scared she won't answer. The letter should give her time alone to read it when she is ready.

 

I could wait another 30 days. But that will be 30 days closer for her to completely have forgotten me and moved on since our relationship was less then 6 months long.

 

It seems like your ultimate plan is to use NC to get her back.

The thing about reconciliation is very complex, and there's no one real proof template to suggest getting back is always possible. The more you want it, the harder you will achieve it.

 

NC has no timeline, it doesn't mean you have completed 30 days of NC it means "Hey, I have moved on! It's time to reconnect with my ex." No, it isn't. NC is to progressively helps one to gain back their self-esteem (once badly crushed during the break up). NC goes through several stages, self-denial, hatred, roller-coaster moods and etc. Some people moved on quicker, some people took longer time and generally it depend on how strong a person's will power is.

 

If your ex still wants to be in a relationship, a letter to her will not make any difference at all. When my ex dumped me, I broke NC a few times, reaching out to him, telling him we can work out, our relationship is worth it, we both have feelings for one another. I even write a long letter for him, ready to give him.

 

In the end, I tore up my letter. Because, if he really believes in working things out, why do I even need to write a letter in the first place.

 

The closure you gonna seek is to accept this reality and move on with your life. Treat your next gf better if you feel that this relationship breaks because of you. She has left you and that was her closure to you.

 

PS: You want a girl to fall in love with you, your character and your personality. Not about writing letters telling her you have changed and how deep your feelings for her.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Fufu

[Ruby65]

PS: You want a girl to fall in love with you, your character and your personality. Not about writing letters telling her you have changed and how deep your feelings for her.

 

^ This is such an important point. Those "how to get your ex back" programs always push *self-improvement* during a minimal NC to get your ex back...

 

What a crock!

 

I was a dumper who went back to my ex -- and there was no contact for many months, no self-improvement on either of our parts, no "new relationship", nothing! I went back to him because I MISSED HIM, the OLD him -- who he was, faults and all. That's who I loved and wanted to be with.

 

Your first 30 days NC is a real accomplishment -- you should be proud! If you're still determined to contact her at some point and beg for another chance, reset the goal to 90 days and re-evaluate how you're feeling then.

 

Good luck to you.

[dvx]

^ This is such an important point. Those "how to get your ex back" programs always push *self-improvement* during a minimal NC to get your ex back...

 

What a crock!

 

I was a dumper who went back to my ex -- and there was no contact for many months, no self-improvement on either of our parts, no "new relationship", nothing! I went back to him because I MISSED HIM, the OLD him -- who he was, faults and all. That's who I loved and wanted to be with.

 

Your first 30 days NC is a real accomplishment -- you should be proud! If you're still determined to contact her at some point and beg for another chance, reset the goal to 90 days and re-evaluate how you're feeling then.

 

Good luck to you.

90 days seems too far away and I'm pretty sure she has moved on by then since the relationship wasn't long. But I'm shooting for another 30 days to begin with and see what happens.

[Chi townD]

Why do I get the feeling that you read some "How to get your Ex back in 30 days" website?

 

 

Dude, NC is a tool to help you move on. To heal and free yourself from a relationship that wasn't working. It s not a tool to get our Ex's back. VERY RARELY does this work.

 

 

But, if this is what you want to do. Good luck to you. You're probably going to need it!

[Satu]

You'll never reach your full potential as long as you make someone else the centre of your world.

[stopping]

It takes two to make a relationship but one to destroy it. IMO No contact should be held firmly in place until you get a very clear message from the dumper that they want a relationship again...

 

Anything else gives them a stroke of the ego, a way out of guilt, or some other mechanism so they can go on their merry way in the one moment or two they might feel bad. The dumper broke up with you and you are going to reward them again by giving them more tools to get over you.

 

This is all about you...you will find love again...You will only look weaker and less attractive if you break it.

 

My two cents

[Holmes85]

Why am I reaching out? For 3 reasons.

 

And let me give you exact 3 on why not to reach out to her

 

1. To get closure (get the door closed to my face)

 

She already has closed it on you, you just want to go there knocking again and when she opens the door, you will be like I want you to close the door permanently for me, basically saying to her to tell you she never loved you, its over and the other blah blah ...for the 10th time?

 

2. To give up hope and know for sure that it's really final.

 

It is final dude, you are basically asking to be slapped by her to remind you it's over and done for and you won't have it any other way.

 

3. I was the one who did her wrong, even though she left me, the problems were all my fault and reactions. I've changed now, so it's up to me to contact her and at least let her know that I'm a better man.

 

I've read your original thread and your post, you seemed to have convinced yourself that you did her wrong and she left you for it. WRONG! She needed reasons to leave you, if someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, they try to talk things other like adults and breaking up is not an option, but she seems fine and dandy with it.

 

If you do contact her, following 3 things are going to happen

 

1. You will prove it to her, that she was right about her decision for dumping you

 

2. You have no self respect for yourself, why would she want to be with someone who doesn't have any self respect for himself.

 

3. This guy is such a loser, I am like mopping the floor with him and he keeps coming back for more, man I'm glad I did this (gotta text my friends to tell them about this, what a loser).

 

 

And the following things are going to happen if you stay in NC.

 

1. She will begin to doubt her decision given enough space & time.

 

2. If there is another guy in the picture and when the honeymoon period ends, she will automatically start thinking about you (assuming you are still in NC).

 

3. The more she hasn't heard about you, the more she's gonna get curious. If you do NC properly you may not even want her back anymore after realizing what she has done to you.

 

It's up to you to decide which one looks better to you, you are thinking emotionally right now and not logically.

[Simon Phoenix]

90 days seems too far away and I'm pretty sure she has moved on by then since the relationship wasn't long. But I'm shooting for another 30 days to begin with and see what happens.

 

This is such a ridiculously awful mindset. Ugh.

[dvx]

It takes two to make a relationship but one to destroy it. IMO No contact should be held firmly in place until you get a very clear message from the dumper that they want a relationship again...

 

Anything else gives them a stroke of the ego, a way out of guilt, or some other mechanism so they can go on their merry way in the one moment or two they might feel bad. The dumper broke up with you and you are going to reward them again by giving them more tools to get over you.

 

This is all about you...you will find love again...You will only look weaker and less attractive if you break it.

 

My two cents

What if I already look weak and unattractive after I begged for a week or 2? Is that attraction ever possible to rebuild? Or else I have nothing to lose by reaching out one last time and being a man about it and acknowledging my mistakes and letting her know my progress and decisions I've made that will make our relationship stronger next time.

 

And the following things are going to happen if you stay in NC.

 

1. She will begin to doubt her decision given enough space & time.

 

2. If there is another guy in the picture and when the honeymoon period ends, she will automatically start thinking about you (assuming you are still in NC).

 

3. The more she hasn't heard about you, the more she's gonna get curious. If you do NC properly you may not even want her back anymore after realizing what she has done to you.

 

It's up to you to decide which one looks better to you, you are thinking emotionally right now and not logically.

She will or she might? What if she is actually reliefed? What if her friends have manipulated her so badly that I'm a crazy guy that doesn't deserve her when her friends don't even know me or have ever met me? How can i stand a chance with her friends that she's known for 20 years? They have huge impact on her decisions.

 

The thing is she hasn't done me anything. Im pretty sure she didn't want to leave and she might even feel like the dumpee since I left her with no choice. AND THATS WHY I'm thinking I should try reaching out? Maybe she just needed a month or 2 of space? Maybe she hasn't stopped loving me and maybe she is waiting on me to make the move, should I live with these thoughts forever?

[Cinnamonstix]

Let's just assume everything you just said is true and she wants you to chase her some more (highly unlikely). The problem is, you haven't done the work on yourself to be a better person. Your relationship would fail even if you did get it back. You have to build yourself back up. You might have some support for reaching out casually months down the line, if you'd actually done anything or learned anything in your time away.

[wizer]

Im pretty sure she didn't want to leave and she might even feel like the dumpee

 

She does not feel like the dumper.

 

Because.. she said THIS:

 

She say's there is no chance.

 

You're thinking yourself into a tailspin. It comes down to this simple fact:

 

She dumped you. She clearly stated "there's no chance" because she knows how stubborn and persistent you are. If she realizes that she made a mistake and she still loves you then she won't wait for you to contact her. She's thinking about herself. It was better for her to leave you. If she ultimately decides its better for her to take you back then your phone will be ringing.

 

Show her you've changed by doing the opposite of what she expects you to do. Leave her alone.

 

End of story.

[dvx]

She does not feel like the dumper.

 

Because.. she said THIS:

 

 

 

You're thinking yourself into a tailspin. It comes down to this simple fact:

 

She dumped you. She clearly stated "there's no chance" because she knows how stubborn and persistent you are. If she realizes that she made a mistake and she still loves you then she won't wait for you to contact her. She's thinking about herself. It was better for her to leave you. If she ultimately decides its better for her to take you back then your phone will be ringing.

 

Show her you've changed by doing the opposite of what she expects you to do. Leave her alone.

 

End of story.

 

Yes but people say stuff they don't mean in the moment of anger and sadness.

 

It sucks that she got all the power and got to say the last word, even beat me to blocking me. I feel like a loser without any power. She ended it, she blocked me everywhere etc.

 

What is there left for me to do?

[wizer]

Yes but people say stuff they don't mean in the moment of anger and sadness.

 

Well if she didn't mean it, she knows where to reach you. I think we've been down this road already.

 

It sucks that she got all the power and got to say the last word, even beat me to blocking me. I feel like a loser without any power. She ended it, she blocked me everywhere etc.

 

Yes, the dumper has all the power, and in almost every relationship that fails - except in the rare case when both partners want out- there's usually a dumper and a dumpee. She had the power and still HAS the power because you can't let go of her. And if you contact her again, you give her even more power. If you want to take away her power than stop obsessing over her and don't think about contacting her anymore.

 

What is there left for me to do?

 

You already know what you need to do.

 

Move on with your life.

[maryjaneholland]

I agree with some other posters, maybe wait another 30 days and then see where you are at. If you still want to try for a second chance with her or find some closure then contact her after another month. During break ups, 30 days isn't that long, she most probably has not moved on. It probably is hard for her too.

 

I dumped my ex a month ago. It was very hard for me to do, but I had to. I really wanted to talk to him but I knew we needed a bit of time apart. Also, my pride was preventing me from doing so. He ended up breaking no contact two weeks after we broke up. We talked a bit three weeks after the break up. And now, we're back together. If you are meant to be together, it doesn't matter who is the dumper or dumpee and who is supposed to break no contact first. I dumped him, he contacted me first. But on my side, I didn't break no contact first because it was something I was told to I had to do and felt like I needed to for a while.

 

My advice, chill for a while. Let it settle. Concentrate on yourself and make yourself happy. Then if you want to contact her, do it. Don't let pride or these silly games/'no contact rules' get in the way. Like you said, what is the worst that can happen? Do not get your hopes up. Make sure your expectations are on the floor and set yourself up for a disappointment incase she doesn't want to reconcile. You don't want to be hurt twice.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes but people say stuff they don't mean in the moment of anger and sadness.

 

It sucks that she got all the power and got to say the last word, even beat me to blocking me. I feel like a loser without any power. She ended it, she blocked me everywhere etc.

 

What is there left for me to do?

 

You are trying so hard to move the goalposts to necessitate doing this that I feel bad for you. Lying to yourself isn't going to make this better. And acknowledging your mistakes means nothing if you haven't taken any steps to rectify them, which you haven't.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit there and let you willfully delude yourself.

[dvx]

You are trying so hard to move the goalposts to necessitate doing this that I feel bad for you. Lying to yourself isn't going to make this better. And acknowledging your mistakes means nothing if you haven't taken any steps to rectify them, which you haven't.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit there and let you willfully delude yourself.

 

Im in denial that's true. Im looking for all the little "positive" signs that she will contact me but there aren't any. She blocked me a week after she broke up. I think there was a slight chance she needed space but when i begged it pushed her away even more to the point of her blocking me a week later. So still every day I'm living with the questions and "what-ifs" what if i hadn't begged or sent her a letter when she broke up? Maybe she would've gotten back by now? It sucks I did the rookie mistakes immediately after break up.

[Pyramidsong]

I broke NC after 2 months..I still had things of hers at mine of some value. I actually got a relative to contact her through Facebook but the message didn't deliver. So I took it upon myself to contact her after I walked out.

 

The response at first was sharp and 'don't contact me again'. This was purely because I had something of value or else I wouldn't of contacted her. I offered to post etc.

 

But, she then bounced a message back, she called me, we settled our differences and got out a lot of penned up anger. We even laughed about the good times, and agreed not to add each other on Facebook, or be friends. Just be civil, if we was to see each other out we could say 'hello' and not feel awkward.

 

So what I'm saying to you, is yes, breaking NC can help get things off your chest, but be prepared, because she will also have ammunition and could tear strips off you.

 

We all are only human and yes we seek closure, if you feel this will benefit you, then ignore the advice.

 

OR,

 

Just ignore her and let her heal. Time heals all wounds and eventually the angrier will sunside.

 

In my experience I actually got a lot off my chest as she was a manipulative woman whom I bottled up my feelings.

 

Do as you wish.

[JunzQ]

Have you ever tried to make yourself a better person. Go to the gym find a hobby something your good at to build your confidence back up. Once that happens you will realize your a catch. It seems like you've just been sitting around and thinking about her for the last 30 days. Go do something to get your mind off this girl. I went no contact for 3 weeks now. Obviously I hoped that she was thinking about me but I didn't let that determine what I did with my life. And you know what she messaged me yesterday. It finally made me feel like I had some power and you know what I did. Absolutely nothing I smiled closed my phone and it felt good. Believe me some girls take longer than others to forget the mistakes you've made over perusing is a recipe for disaster and you have everything to loose. She doesn't. Think of your ego friend. I know it sucks but you need to rebuild your ego. You'll be a stronger person after all of this !