Texting: How long without a text means its over?

[kendahke]

Yeah. I feel like I'm disgusting. I wanted to text her the same night. But I felt like it would have been too much, or she didn't want it.

 

Was she giving off a vibe of not being interested in you while the date was going on, or is this you projecting your own self loathing onto her? Because that's what it sounds like. A self-fulfilling prophecy here. You have no confidence and as a result don't like yourself and then you project that onto her by having a basically "disinterested in her "vibe going on. What is she to conclude when you act as if the date was an inconvenience to the script playing out in your head about your own worthiness?

 

That I should have already gotten the message and walked away, and not forced it after the fact like some pig. When she said during the date "when are you free next, I'm free _____," I assumed she wasn't actually interested. When she said "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable," I assumed it was the only reason she texted me. That she didn't actually dig me but just felt bad for me.

 

I don't know why I assume whats going on in other people's heads so much... always negative for me, too.

 

You're not emotionally ready to be dating. You've got a lot of issues you need to work out first that have to do with your own sense of your self worth and your confidence. You have totally projected onto her your baggage and when she acted the way anyone would have acted when presented with it, you get to say "see, I'm right!" Well, yes... you're right AND you're alone with no text or interest--this was what you wanted, seeing that you set out to accomplish exactly this.

[kendahke]

Thanks. Well, perhaps I'll be fine. Given this was my first date and I was 29, I will need to find a way to go on more dates. OKCupid sucks. I was really lucky this girl came and found me. I would have never found her on that site. I overthink everything too... I just need to be.

 

I keep waiting for a girl to understand I need to believe in myself, and help nurse me up to being more of a man about things.

 

You're looking for an enabler, not a girlfriend.

 

Those are things you need to be doing/have done for yourself before entering into a relationship. No woman in her right mind wants to play nursemaid to your low self esteem and self loathing. I don't say that to be harsh, however you are wallowing in it instead of taking concrete steps to overcome it and move on. At almost 30, you should have a far better consideration for your own esteem than you do.

 

This woman really tried to show you that she was interested, but you didn't want to hear it. She wasn't following your script. You were listening for "she doesn't like me; she isn't interested in me; she's only doing this because she feels sorry for me". She didn't even know you to have entered into those thoughts about you. She might be there now, given your performance.

 

A lot of times with OKCupid, it has to do with timing and who is on the site when. 3 months ago, it was hopping in my age group; now, it's dead. That's just how things ebb and flow on there.

Edited April 27, 2015 by kendahke

[Sunyata]

Thanks Kendahlke.

 

I don't feel like the road is long in front of me, but it will probably be hard. And I need to get a few more dates, too, hopefully with people I'm interested in like this girl.

 

I agree I need to get healthier. It's too bad. You are right. If she was showing interest (and it seemed like she was), then I blew it by needing to adhere to the script of what I expected. i.e., that I was worthless, that there is no way anybody could ever like me. And it's so painful I've subjected myself to that for so, so long. There was no way I could have not let that play itself out during this date.

 

I see so many things that aren't there. Just because they are on my mind, I unload them and start putting them onto things other people are saying or doing, when they aren't part of the equation at all.

[d0nnivain]

I could go the rest of my life without ever getting another text from anybody and all of my interpersonal relationships would be just fine.

[kendahke]

Thanks Kendahlke.

 

I don't feel like the road is long in front of me, but it will probably be hard. And I need to get a few more dates, too, hopefully with people I'm interested in like this girl.

 

I agree I need to get healthier. It's too bad. You are right. If she was showing interest (and it seemed like she was), then I blew it by needing to adhere to the script of what I expected. i.e., that I was worthless, that there is no way anybody could ever like me. And it's so painful I've subjected myself to that for so, so long. There was no way I could have not let that play itself out during this date.

 

I see so many things that aren't there. Just because they are on my mind, I unload them and start putting them onto things other people are saying or doing, when they aren't part of the equation at all.

 

You would do far better finding a therapist than finding a girlfriend at this point. You're in the middle of a minefield with 2 limbs blown off already. You need help finding your way out of it because it's clear trying to do this on your own may result in you stepping on yet another mine.

[Redhead14]

Sorry for my 3rd post on this site. Given the fact I am thinking so much about it probably means I'm not man enough to be worth dating.

 

In any case, date was Wednesday night. 2.5 hours, pretty good conversation. Next day she texts me saying she had a good time and hopes she didn't make me uncomfortable. I say she didn't but I may have been a little shy, wish I had hugged her goodbye instead of waved. She said its okay and that she had a good time. Also, during the date she asked me when I was available next and told me when she was.

 

Saturday morning I text her asking her out again. No reply yet.

 

Realistically, I feel like I shouldn't give up hope until after tomorrow.

 

Don't invite a woman out on a date through texting. Call her. Have an actual conversation so she can hear the sincerity and interest in your voice and you can hear the same from her if it's there.

 

The the ball is in her court now, wait for her to hit it back. You could try one more time if she doesn't respond to the text. But call her, not text.

[barcode88]

Don't invite a woman out on a date through texting. Call her. Have an actual conversation so she can hear the sincerity and interest in your voice and you can hear the same from her if it's there.

 

The the ball is in her court now, wait for her to hit it back. You could try one more time if she doesn't respond to the text. But call her, not text.

 

Eh, I'm always partial about this. When the following criteria are met, asking out for a 1st/2nd date via text is acceptable.

 

1. Woman in question is under 30 years old
   
2. You met via Online Dating
   
3. You know a phone conversation might be awkward
   

I've asked out via text and didn't get rejected - granted I'm 26 and I'm talking about girls between ages 24-28.

 

 

OP just be more confident in all that you do. You should NEVER apologize to a Woman unless it's something you should actually be apologizing for. Apologizing because you weren't funny/confident is like saying "Hey sorry that I'm boring, lol!!!" I don't mean this disrespectfully, it's just to help you for next time.

[lola108]

I definitely want to say something.

First you seem very sweet and vulnerable and honest. These are very good qualities that an emotionally available woman is going to love about you.

 

I see absolutely no problem with telling her you wished you had hugged her instead of what you did.

 

But if you like her, then contact her the next day and tell her you had fun!

 

You have to understand that many girls who are dating are also taking advice from people on what to do and not to do.

We are advised NOT to go out on a date the same day or at the last minute with a man who cannot ask in advance. And we are being taught also NOT to use sms as acceptable forms of communication...CALL HER!

 

Therefore, I have to say if she contacted YOU to tell you she had fun, then I would be brave if I were you...call her again today or tomorrow..tell her that you would like to go out with her again and ask her for a date SATURDAY. Give it plenty of days in a row.

 

We are told we should make a guy pursue us...so do not give up so easy if she contacted you you.

If you are shy, then TELL THE WOMAN. That helps us to navigate and how to proceed based on the kind of man you are!

 

But surely do what you can to be confident. It will really help if you called her and say..

HEY, sorry you know about last time and asking you out at the last minute, but I would really like to see you again..Would you like to go out this saturday? If she says no or seems totally disinterested then don't do anymore.

 

I think you should not give up so easy. Try again if you enjoyed talking to her. Seriously...women who are dating are studying how to go about dealing with men..and we are being taught NOT to be easy.

So do not give up too easy. My advice is try again..CALL HER and ask her out again. If she does not reply, then Try again...maybe she will answer the next time.

If after three times you get no reply from SMS or phone, then move on.

I say do not give up so easy.

You seem so sweet....just work on your confidence levels a little, okay?

Edited April 27, 2015 by lola108

[barcode88]

I definitely want to say something.

First you seem very sweet and vulnerable and honest. These are very good qualities that an emotionally available woman is going to love about you.

 

I see absolutely no problem with telling her you wished you had hugged her instead of what you did.

 

But if you like her, then contact her the next day and tell her you had fun!

 

You have to understand that many girls who are dating are also taking advice from people on what to do and not to do.

We are advised NOT to go out on a date the same day or at the last minute with a man who cannot ask in advance. And we are being taught also NOT to use sms as acceptable forms of communication...CALL HER!

 

Therefore, I have to say if she contacted YOU to tell you she had fun, then I would be brave if I were you...call her again today or tomorrow..tell her that you would like to go out with her again and ask her for a date SATURDAY. Give it plenty of days in a row.

 

We are told we should make a guy pursue us...so do not give up so easy if she called you.

 

But surely do what you can to be confident. It will really help if you called her and say..

HEY, sorry you know about last time and asking you out at the last minute, but I would really like to see you again..Would you like to go out this saturday? If she says no or seems totally disinterested then don't do anymore.

 

I think you should not give up so easy. Try again if you enjoyed talking to her. Seriously...women who are dating are studying how to go about dealing with men..and we are being taught NOT to be easy.

So do not give up too easy. My advice is try again..CALL HER and ask her out again. If she does not reply, then Try again...maybe she will answer the next time.

If after three times you get no reply from SMS or phone, then move on.

I say do not give up so easy.

You seem so sweet....just work on your confidence levels a little, okay?

 

Don't confuse the guy. Women will say that they like a sweet guy who admitted he *wished* he hugged her but he was too shy. But in reality they're like a dog chasing a car - they wouldn't know what to do with one if they caught one. Or in this case, what to do with a guy who says sorry for not being confident.

[Sunyata]

Thanks. I am pretty self aware and unashamed, and I do see it as a positive. But it needs a man behind it. I wish I could text or call her and she'd reconsider, but I can't imagine doing that at this point. But then again, the night of or the next day I couldn't have imagined texting her saying I had a nice time. I had already resigned myself to defeat, and thought texting her would be violating her in a way. So I obviously have some weird ideas. I tell myself these stories. And if I got another date with her after this, I'd feel like I was on probation at work and being judged from that context.

 

Just hope I can find another reasonably cute, open, thoughtful date. Who knows what happened... Wish my growth didn't travel in these incredibly incremental stages.

[Sunyata]

Hey guys. I was thinking of sending another text after not getting a response in 4 days. I thought the date went fairly well, especially since she said "I want to meet you, even if its platonic" before the meeting. On a platonic level, it went fine. I just didn't make adequate eye contact, no touching, no expression of interest at all (from me to her), largely because I don't feel comfortable doing that. It just feels odd. But I'm learning. I'm probably WAY overthinking it by posting the texts here.

 

Anyway, this is how the chain of texts went, word for word:

 

Her (1pm day after date): I had a good time last night. Hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.

 

Me (5 hours later): Hey! nice to hear from you. I had a good time too. I was never uncomfortable at all, so no worries! Just a little shy if anything. Wish I could have went for a hug goodbye rather than just a wave?

 

Her: Oh its okay... I had a good time.

 

[silence]

 

Me (2 days later): I'm glad! I'd like to take you up on that discussion of getting together again. Coffee maybe? I'm usually busy Wednesdays and Thursdays but am otherwise available. Let me know!

 

She re-initiated contact after the date and said she had a good time twice. To me, this suggests that she literally did have a good job, and at least at the time was possibly interesting in seeing each other again. Is that a correct interpretation? Or was she just "being nice" (perhaps because she felt bad for me)?

[SunnySide0418]

Hey guys. I was thinking of sending another text after not getting a response in 4 days. I thought the date went fairly well, especially since she said "I want to meet you, even if its platonic" before the meeting. On a platonic level, it went fine. I just didn't make adequate eye contact, no touching, no expression of interest at all (from me to her), largely because I don't feel comfortable doing that. It just feels odd. But I'm learning. I'm probably WAY overthinking it by posting the texts here.

 

Anyway, this is how the chain of texts went, word for word:

 

Her (1pm day after date): I had a good time last night. Hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.

 

Me (5 hours later): Hey! nice to hear from you. I had a good time too. I was never uncomfortable at all, so no worries! Just a little shy if anything. Wish I could have went for a hug goodbye rather than just a wave?

 

Her: Oh its okay... I had a good time.

 

[silence]

 

Me (2 days later): I'm glad! I'd like to take you up on that discussion of getting together again. Coffee maybe? I'm usually busy Wednesdays and Thursdays but am otherwise available. Let me know!

 

She re-initiated contact after the date and said she had a good time twice. To me, this suggests that she literally did have a good job, and at least at the time was possibly interesting in seeing each other again. Is that a correct interpretation? Or was she just "being nice" (perhaps because she felt bad for me)?

 

 

WHy did you wait 2 days to respond to her and ask her out? That would have made me lose interest too. I suppose you can try again but why not call her and if she doesn't pick up leave a message? It's way more personal. And if she doesn't respond you have to move on!!

[Sunyata]

I don't know. I have this weird thing where like, I feel like people don't want me around, which is why I weakly waved goodbye too. So it's like, I already assume she doesn't want to hear back from me, or that... it doesn't make sense in my head or even form into coherent patterns. I just thought Friday (or Thursday night) would be too soon.

[hunk]

You aren't ready to date, please take time to concentrate on yourself. You're going to hurt yourself and waste the time of other people if you go into social situations with your current mindset. These women are assuming the man they are meeting has his **** together enough to at least be able to have a positive outlook on himself. It's disrespectful to the women you are meeting to go into the date with your current outlook. It's not your fault, and you can easily fix things. You just need to take some time to learn how to love and value yourself. Until you do that it's completely unfair that you meet up with any women.

[Sunyata]

I'm more normal than you realize, maybe. My mindset needs a good shaking off. I imagine it like a dog shaking itself dry. Most of these negative ideas are fairly loosely attached, and in my opinion putting myself in uncomfortable situations is very helpful. And they say crazy is the new normal anyway... few people have all their **** together and a lot of people don't necessarily expect it out of others, unless they can... and most people can't.

 

But I appreciate you recognizing that these ideas are false and that I need to work on them.

[Sunyata]

blarg! ...

 

If I text her again (because calling is scary), what do I say? Is there a decent chance that my lack of texting made her think to look elsewhere? I feel like I would need to say "Sorry if I sent the message by not responding or texting. I was honestly just nervous and did not want to text you if you didn't want me to." Obviously not the right thing to say.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Sunyata

[barcode88]

blarg! ...

 

If I text her again (because calling is scary), what do I say? Is there a decent chance that my lack of texting made her think to look elsewhere? I feel like I would need to say "Sorry if I sent the message by not responding or texting. I was honestly just nervous and did not want to text you if you didn't want me to." Obviously not the right thing to say.

 

You're overthinking things. If the ball is in her court, leave it there. IF she doesn't respond, she isn't interested.

 

Otherwise your texts should be light and fun, but minimal. Use it to setup a time to call her, or just ask her out. In between dates contact should be minimal.

[Gary S]

Forget texting, it's a poor form of communication. Instead, call her (voice) and ask her out.... have a complete date plan ready, day, time. You can wait a week to call.

[Redhead14]

Sorry for my 3rd post on this site. Given the fact I am thinking so much about it probably means I'm not man enough to be worth dating.

 

In any case, date was Wednesday night. 2.5 hours, pretty good conversation. Next day she texts me saying she had a good time and hopes she didn't make me uncomfortable. I say she didn't but I may have been a little shy, wish I had hugged her goodbye instead of waved. She said its okay and that she had a good time. Also, during the date she asked me when I was available next and told me when she was.

 

Saturday morning I text her asking her out again. No reply yet.

 

Realistically, I feel like I shouldn't give up hope until after tomorrow.

 

Realistically? You wait it out but don't sweat over it in between. You set your deadline and stick to it. In other words, if she doesn't get back to you tomorrow, you leave it in the dust. If she contacts you later than that without a really good, plausible reason, you tell her you've made other plans and don't make another date with her. Just say, you're moving on. If you're that into her, re-schedule.

[clia]

Hey guys. I was thinking of sending another text after not getting a response in 4 days. I thought the date went fairly well, especially since she said "I want to meet you, even if its platonic" before the meeting. On a platonic level, it went fine. I just didn't make adequate eye contact, no touching, no expression of interest at all (from me to her), largely because I don't feel comfortable doing that. It just feels odd. But I'm learning. I'm probably WAY overthinking it by posting the texts here.

 

Anyway, this is how the chain of texts went, word for word:

 

Her (1pm day after date): I had a good time last night. Hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.

 

Me (5 hours later): Hey! nice to hear from you. I had a good time too. I was never uncomfortable at all, so no worries! Just a little shy if anything. Wish I could have went for a hug goodbye rather than just a wave?

 

Her: Oh its okay... I had a good time.

 

[silence]

 

Me (2 days later): I'm glad! I'd like to take you up on that discussion of getting together again. Coffee maybe? I'm usually busy Wednesdays and Thursdays but am otherwise available. Let me know!

 

She re-initiated contact after the date and said she had a good time twice. To me, this suggests that she literally did have a good job, and at least at the time was possibly interesting in seeing each other again. Is that a correct interpretation? Or was she just "being nice" (perhaps because she felt bad for me)?

 

Why did you suggest coffee for a second date? Maybe she was turned off by that. (To me, coffee is more appropriate for an initial meetup in online dating, not a real date.)

 

That said, you didn't really ask her out. (To me, asking out is a day, time, and place.) You threw out a vague reference to meeting for coffee and then told her when you weren't available. I honestly don't think you have anything to lose by asking her out one more time on a proper date. (i.e., would you like to have dinner with me on Friday at 7?)

[beach]

Plan out a real date and ask her to go with you! CALL her, no text.

 

Get tickets to a sporting event or concert and invite her out.

 

And look into her eyes while with her - hold her hand - and kiss her at the end while offering her the next date.

 

Be proactive!

[kendahke]

Thanks Kendahlke.

 

I don't feel like the road is long in front of me, but it will probably be hard. And I need to get a few more dates, too, hopefully with people I'm interested in like this girl.

 

I agree I need to get healthier. It's too bad. You are right. If she was showing interest (and it seemed like she was), then I blew it by needing to adhere to the script of what I expected. i.e., that I was worthless, that there is no way anybody could ever like me. And it's so painful I've subjected myself to that for so, so long. There was no way I could have not let that play itself out during this date.

 

I see so many things that aren't there. Just because they are on my mind, I unload them and start putting them onto things other people are saying or doing, when they aren't part of the equation at all.

 

then I will say, after having read all of this, that what you need is a therapist, not a girlfriend. A few more dates aren't going to do anything if you don't have any way of knowing how to navigate your way out of the minefield before you blow an emotional limb off. You need a professional to teach you how to recognize an "emotional mine" before you step on it. If you already knew how to do that, this thread wouldn't be here and you'd have success in dating.

 

Go take care of that first and quit trying to get some woman to save you from your self. You need to learn how to deal with your self and get it under control.

Edited April 29, 2015 by kendahke

[Sunyata]

Well, I must have communicated awkwardly. Whoever told me to invite her to a place and time, thanks. Texted her again and we are going out Monday

[Dork Vader]

You need to get more self esteem man.

 

One she opened the door for another date and you should have jumped all over it. She told you when she would be free.. Why did you not take her up? or at the very least say hey I've got something going on then but this day works..

 

good luck

[smg15]

Hey guys. I was thinking of sending another text after not getting a response in 4 days. I thought the date went fairly well, especially since she said "I want to meet you, even if its platonic" before the meeting. On a platonic level, it went fine. I just didn't make adequate eye contact, no touching, no expression of interest at all (from me to her), largely because I don't feel comfortable doing that. It just feels odd. But I'm learning. I'm probably WAY overthinking it by posting the texts here.

 

Anyway, this is how the chain of texts went, word for word:

 

Her (1pm day after date): I had a good time last night. Hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.

 

Me (5 hours later): Hey! nice to hear from you. I had a good time too. I was never uncomfortable at all, so no worries! Just a little shy if anything. Wish I could have went for a hug goodbye rather than just a wave?

 

Her: Oh its okay... I had a good time.

 

[silence]

 

Me (2 days later): I'm glad! I'd like to take you up on that discussion of getting together again. Coffee maybe? I'm usually busy Wednesdays and Thursdays but am otherwise available. Let me know!

 

She re-initiated contact after the date and said she had a good time twice. To me, this suggests that she literally did have a good job, and at least at the time was possibly interesting in seeing each other again. Is that a correct interpretation? Or was she just "being nice" (perhaps because she felt bad for me)?

 

Take it from me, a guy who was rejected in March. If 4 days go past without a text she is not interested.