obtuseedge Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 I read an economics article on this. It said something to the effect that the ow is like a diamond and the w is like water. Each have value but only one is essential. This is true usually for the men I think whose marriages are bad enough to cheat but not bad enough to leave. Hers was obviously bad enough to leave. At some point shell probably question why she could divorce but you won't and what that says about the differences between you two. (projection on my part) Sorry to see the thread got off track I relate to this as it was my situation. My wife and I, though not having any major issues, drifted apart and the romance and passion significantly subsided between us. When my xAP came into my life, I felt like I was alive again. Her marriage was horrible. Her husband was an abusive, narcissistic, controlling maniac, and our affair ended up giving her the resolution to leave. In the end, she did question and was upset that I didn't leave my marriage but she did. To me, there was much of my marriage that was salvageable, and I still did love my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 how does OW feel - she feels that she's in a no-win situation. The affair was useful for her to get out of her abusive marriage, but it took on a life of its own. W reaction/ultimatum - she would be devastated. If she gave me an ultimatum, I'd have no choice at this time but to stop the A. But like I said, my marriage with W has its own issues... if things dont improve eventually it may be over on its own accord. OW dating others - I wouldn't like it in the least! Curious what the issues are with your marriage... Also, if you're waiting for OW to end the affair so that you don't break her heart, I doubt your marriage will end because you'd be wanting to wait for your wife to request divorce first. How much time do you spend with your AP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tauriel Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Some of my friends had kids really young (early 20s). I have seen more As than I care to mention. You start noticing patterns in these marriages. They always end; they just don't end right away. There's a period of time when the couple "bond" all over again, fall to the ground in thanks for each other, go to Promisekeepers/counselors/therapists, etc. It's like a weird honeymoon period. But they always end up divorcing in a few years, because the One Big Thing that led to the A cannot be resolved. One of my friends made it to 10 years, but she was waiting for the kids to get out of the house. Another is waiting for the house to get paid off. There is almost always more than one A. The kids always find out. Usually when they're in high school or college. A secret this big always comes out. The kids blame both parents, typically -- the cheater for cheating and the cheatee for sticking around for it. I had to have "the talk" with my distraught tweenaged godkid and explain that mommy and daddy didn't like each other the same way she liked her boyfriend. Awful. In a handful of cases, a "save the marriage" baby is born out of this mess. This is a woman's collateral. Whenever you see a couple with kids, and the age gap between the youngest and the next-youngest is, like, ten years, chances are ... I dunno. One of my girlfriends -- the one who made it to 10 years -- told me that she asked herself if she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with her H after the A, and the answer, for her, was "no". She wasn't angry with him, and it wasn't a contentious divorce at all. They're still good friends to this day. They have finally grown up and admitted that there are better partners for them out there. I wish I felt more optimistic about marriages where As are involved, but I have never seen one that is successful in the long haul. One of my male friends and his wife just agreed to have an open marriage, and it sort of weirds me out to see him with all of these women, but it works for them. They intend to divorce after their daughter goes to college. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 According to the post after William's, I think the OP did a permanent Exit Stage Left. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted April 23, 2015 Share Posted April 23, 2015 Thanks, we'll close this up and if the thread starter has more topical information to offer or is interested in more feedback, they can alert us. Link to post Share on other sites
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