MM here; my affair

[N2053]

Can I ask what your values are? Both personally for your life as well as for a relationship?

 

My values are that husbands and wives should be faithful to each other.

 

What I'm doing does not comport with my values.

[Hope Shimmers]

What would you do/how would you feel if your wife were having an affair?

 

Or if she had one in the past? Would that change anything?

[waterwoman]

But like I said, my marriage with W has its own issues... if things dont improve eventually it may be over on its own accord.

 

OW dating others - I wouldn't like it in the least!

 

What about if your wife was?

 

Do you think you have become more aware of your marriages shortcomings since the affair started? And this is a genuine question not a dig, how do you expect your marriage to improve while you are involved in a more passionate relationship with someone else? It takes two people to mend a marriage - what are you going to do towards that goal?

[Carm]

It sounds like you are a much better person than my OW.

 

Godspeed.

 

I did not write that to receive credit. I wrote it because I'm forcing you to be step back from the situation and re-evaluate what you qualify as a good woman.

 

 

Also, it takes two to keep the fires going at home. I'll bet you if you spent 2 months being romantic, loving, kind, and helpful to your wife that she will bring the match to light the fire.

[Confused48]

I have to agree with Carm. I did a spit take when I read that you think your OW is a good person, a quality person! LOL, seriously?!?! Such low morals and character that she cheats on her husband! She cheats with a married man!

 

Good god man, if that is what you think is a quality person, you have some amazingly low standards. I can see "falling" for scum like her under the right circumstances but calling her a quality person, no. She is gutter trash. SMH.

[norudder]

Can you answer the hypothetical q of if you could save only your w or ow which one would you? I know you said IRL you choose a relationship with your wife and its a horrible question, but its what a lot of ow want to know that stripped of the practical logistics of life (kids, money) that they would be the "chosen" love. You aren't my mm or any of theirs, but in your case... What would you answer?

 

Even when I was a mow, I knew the answer for myself who I would choose.

[norudder]

Also, would you say you wish you could combine your w and ow into one person?

[N2053]

What would you do/how would you feel if your wife were having an affair?

 

Or if she had one in the past? Would that change anything?

 

I'd feel terrible if she was having an affair now or in the past. I don't know if that would change anything. The circumstances that brought us together are what they are.

 

If you mean, would that change the way i think, the answer would be no. I have no delusions about what i'm doing. I'm not going to even try to defend it because I have no defense. All i can do is try to explain my perspective and seek others' perspectives.

[norudder]

My values are that husbands and wives should be faithful to each other.

 

What I'm doing does not comport with my values.

 

 

But it feels good and you're not ready to end it. I get it, I do. It sucks. I like the saying that feelings are like kids in a car, you don't want them locked in the trunk but you don't want them in the driver's seat either!

 

I think the issues w your M, and yourself, are in the trunk and the A is in the drivers seat.

 

You're on your own journey and so is your ow. I hope after this thread dies you'll eventually update the outcome when it happens.

[N2053]

Can you answer the hypothetical q of if you could save only your w or ow which one would you? I know you said IRL you choose a relationship with your wife and its a horrible question, but its what a lot of ow want to know that stripped of the practical logistics of life (kids, money) that they would be the "chosen" love. You aren't my mm or any of theirs, but in your case... What would you answer?

 

Even when I was a mow, I knew the answer for myself who I would choose.

 

Theoretically if my W and I had no kids I have serious doubts we'd be together to this day. That's not to say that the kids are the only glue that holds us together, but they sure help, especially during the rough times.

 

I wish I could answer your question but it's very hard without all those practical logistics and factors. Because those factors (kids, the time we've spent together) are part of what makes the W so valuable. Raising kids together, spending years together, that's what makes the bond so rich and hard to break. And there's also the issue of responsibility and obligation.

 

And like I said, if i had to choose due to some DDay scenario or anything else, I'd choose W. We may have our problems but they are not so severe that I'm ready to leave her over them for someone else.

 

I mean, people get themselves into these situations for so many different reasons... some dudes just can't keep it in their pants. They're gonna cheat no matter what. Other men have the unlucky circumstance of meeting the right/wrong person at the right/wrong time and all it takes is a momentary lapse of judgment, a momentary giving in to temptation... and if the person is compatible with you, you've gotten yourself into a real pickle, as I've done.

 

But this thread is premised on my answer in the "two women" thread.

 

Which is that yes, it is possible to love two people.

 

And love is love, i dont care how you slice it. The circumstances might be wrong to love... it might be forbidden... the love might hurt other people.. but it doesn't change the fact that it's love.

[N2053]

Also, would you say you wish you could combine your w and ow into one person?

 

no way, they both have their own awesome qualities and quirks

[N2053]

I have to agree with Carm. I did a spit take when I read that you think your OW is a good person, a quality person! LOL, seriously?!?! Such low morals and character that she cheats on her husband! She cheats with a married man!

 

Good god man, if that is what you think is a quality person, you have some amazingly low standards. I can see "falling" for scum like her under the right circumstances but calling her a quality person, no. She is gutter trash. SMH.

 

so you're coming into a forum dedicated to these issues and are calling every OW that posts here "gutter trash." lovely.

 

Maybe you should consider frequenting a different message board where there isn't so much trash floating around.

[N2053]

I did not write that to receive credit. I wrote it because I'm forcing you to be step back from the situation and re-evaluate what you qualify as a good woman.

 

 

Also, it takes two to keep the fires going at home. I'll bet you if you spent 2 months being romantic, loving, kind, and helpful to your wife that she will bring the match to light the fire.

 

no one is perfect Carm. Many good people have moral lapses. If you never have than you're in an elite minority and this forum might not be the place for you.

 

As far as your marital advice, I appreciate the effort but you're off base. No biggie though, I realize that you offered that solution without knowing the slightest thing about the circumstances of my marriage.

[dichotomy]

What about if your wife was?

 

Do you think you have become more aware of your marriages shortcomings since the affair started? And this is a genuine question not a dig, how do you expect your marriage to improve while you are involved in a more passionate relationship with someone else? It takes two people to mend a marriage - what are you going to do towards that goal?

 

 

I will kind of echo this in general terms

 

returning to this statement by OP..

 

" My W had given up in a lot of ways and I was at the end of my rope with her."

 

 

I ask the following NOT to give you excuses but to understand your reasons.

 

What exactly had your wife given up on in the marriage, and has anything changed in your marriage since your affair began?

 

Is there anything that could change in your marriage which would lead you to stop your affair?

 

Lastly you seem to be clear on your feelings about this - what does you OW feel about the affair and her role?

[N2053]

What about if your wife was?

 

Do you think you have become more aware of your marriages shortcomings since the affair started? And this is a genuine question not a dig, how do you expect your marriage to improve while you are involved in a more passionate relationship with someone else? It takes two people to mend a marriage - what are you going to do towards that goal?

 

the shortcomings are what contributed to me being vulnerable to the temptation to begin with. However, yes, being with the AP really hammers those shortcomings home in a very dangerous way.

 

And not only does it throw a harsh spotlight on those shortcomings, the affair also gives the sense of an alternative, which is also very dangerous to the marriage. We're supposed to buckle ourselves in and if the ship is flying right for the Sun, so be it, we have to simply try our best to navigate out of that. But here comes the affair and all of a sudden we have escape pods and parachutes. It definitely screws with your mind in that regard and is unhelpful to the idea of sticking it out no-matter-what.

 

The only good that's come of it for the marriage is that it gave me the will to really confront W on our issues and have some hard talks, which we've done.

 

However, although the affair kick-started that discussion, you're right - it's not healthy overall.

[wizer]

no one is perfect Carm. Many good people have moral lapses. If you never have than you're in an elite minority and this forum might not be the place for you.

 

Maybe you should consider frequenting a different message board where there isn't so much trash floating around.

 

Is your mission here to chase everyone off of this message board because they don't agree with you?

 

Should I too, leave this message board because I'm questioning why you are suggesting other people leave this message board?

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I have to agree with Carm. I did a spit take when I read that you think your OW is a good person, a quality person! LOL, seriously?!?! Such low morals and character that she cheats on her husband! She cheats with a married man!

 

Good god man, if that is what you think is a quality person, you have some amazingly low standards. I can see "falling" for scum like her under the right circumstances but calling her a quality person, no. She is gutter trash. SMH.

 

Scum and gutter trash?

 

You do know that judging her is equally as sinful as cheating right? No sin outweighs another. So right now with your mean words and lack of tact, you are showing that you aren't of that much quality either right? I love which morals people pick and choose to follow and take to heart...

[William]

Let's dispense with pejorative adjectives and discuss the topic in a manner consistent with LoveShack guidelines. So there's no ambiguity, this is the original William, the one who bans cadres of problem members without hesitation nor notice.

 

Also, a head's up to the thread starter. It appears your AP may be posting here as well, from the same location. Be careful here. We take a dim view of any attempts to troll our membership. Stick to the topic and report posts to moderation which are suspected of violating our guidelines. Thanks!

[N2053]

I'll see myself out.

[obtuseedge]

the shortcomings are what contributed to me being vulnerable to the temptation to begin with. However, yes, being with the AP really hammers those shortcomings home in a very dangerous way.

 

And not only does it throw a harsh spotlight on those shortcomings, the affair also gives the sense of an alternative, which is also very dangerous to the marriage. We're supposed to buckle ourselves in and if the ship is flying right for the Sun, so be it, we have to simply try our best to navigate out of that. But here comes the affair and all of a sudden we have escape pods and parachutes. It definitely screws with your mind in that regard and is unhelpful to the idea of sticking it out no-matter-what.

 

The only good that's come of it for the marriage is that it gave me the will to really confront W on our issues and have some hard talks, which we've done.

 

However, although the affair kick-started that discussion, you're right - it's not healthy overall.

 

As I have been in your situation and felt what you've felt, I'm certainly in no position to judge. Also, keep in mind that there are many betrayed spouses on here, so they will not be particularly understanding of your situation.

 

Emotions are extremely hard to control. We cannot help who we are attracted to or develop affections for. We can help our choices and decisions, however, again, emotions are very hard to reign in and some of us succumb to them. I did. You did as well.

 

The fact is, your marriage will only suffer as long as you have this OW in your life. Your wife will be compared to an immeasurable standard, and as long as you maintain this affair, you will keep investing in it, to the point where all of your happiness will come from your time with your OW, and none of it from your wife. Your marriage will only wither, but because of your responsibilities, you will stay in it. Just imagine how depressing this future will be.

 

Of course it's easy for me to say, but you have to make a choice about whether you want the OW or your Wife, because you will not be happy in this situation, you won't.

[Tauriel]

This is interesting. Obviously, things have to be really bad in this MM's marriage for him to resort to an A. We can hash this around, but it is what it is: something very necessary in his marriage is missing. And I don't buy this, "I was at my wit's end with my W, but I still love her." I think that he loves the familiarity -- the Kodak moments with the kids, their shared history, and possibly (likely) all of the creature comforts they have collected over the years.

 

I often think that the OW acts as a supplement to the MM's marriage, making it more bearable to be in. When all of your needs are getting met -- even if they are from two people -- heck yeah, you're going to be pretty content!

[ladydesigner]

As I have been in your situation and felt what you've felt, I'm certainly in no position to judge. Also, keep in mind that there are many betrayed spouses on here, so they will not be particularly understanding of your situation.

 

Emotions are extremely hard to control. We cannot help who we are attracted to or develop affections for. We can help our choices and decisions, however, again, emotions are very hard to reign in and some of us succumb to them. I did. You did as well.

 

The fact is, your marriage will only suffer as long as you have this OW in your life. Your wife will be compared to an immeasurable standard, and as long as you maintain this affair, you will keep investing in it, to the point where all of your happiness will come from your time with your OW, and none of it from your wife. Your marriage will only wither, but because of your responsibilities, you will stay in it. Just imagine how depressing this future will be.

 

Of course it's easy for me to say, but you have to make a choice about whether you want the OW or your Wife, because you will not be happy in this situation, you won't.

 

This is a great post and it is coming from an XWS. Lot's of insight here!

[Hope Shimmers]

This is a great post and it is coming from an XWS. Lot's of insight here!

 

Chicken or the egg...

[obtuseedge]

This is interesting. Obviously, things have to be really bad in this MM's marriage for him to resort to an A. We can hash this around, but it is what it is: something very necessary in his marriage is missing. And I don't buy this, "I was at my wit's end with my W, but I still love her." I think that he loves the familiarity -- the Kodak moments with the kids, their shared history, and possibly (likely) all of the creature comforts they have collected over the years.

 

I often think that the OW acts as a supplement to the MM's marriage, making it more bearable to be in. When all of your needs are getting met -- even if they are from two people -- heck yeah, you're going to be pretty content!

 

I don't necessarily agree with the last part. I can't speak for the OP, but when I was in the thick of my affair, I was actually often miserable. Yes, the moments were amazing, I LOVED being with my AP, but in the end, the relationship you have with your AP are only a shadow of it's full potential and you keep longing for more and fantasize about an actual life together. Then you go home to your wife, and you are bothered by feelings of guilt, of the betrayal, and longing to be with your AP again.

 

It's not a wonderful arrangement. I felt miserable. Now that I've been out of the affair for roughly a month and a half, I feel a sense of relief. Even though at home, things have been tough and I honestly am not sure if things will ever be the same again, and I still have moments where I deeply miss my xAP, but there is the relief of being out of that existentially tortuous situation.

[norudder]

Theoretically if my W and I had no kids I have serious doubts we'd be together to this day. That's not to say that the kids are the only glue that holds us together, but they sure help, especially during the rough times.

 

I wish I could answer your question but it's very hard without all those practical logistics and factors. Because those factors (kids, the time we've spent together) are part of what makes the W so valuable. Raising kids together, spending years together, that's what makes the bond so rich and hard to break. And there's also the issue of responsibility and obligation.

 

And like I said, if i had to choose due to some DDay scenario or anything else, I'd choose W. We may have our problems but they are not so severe that I'm ready to leave her over them for someone else.

 

I mean, people get themselves into these situations for so many different reasons... some dudes just can't keep it in their pants. They're gonna cheat no matter what. Other men have the unlucky circumstance of meeting the right/wrong person at the right/wrong time and all it takes is a momentary lapse of judgment, a momentary giving in to temptation... and if the person is compatible with you, you've gotten yourself into a real pickle, as I've done.

 

But this thread is premised on my answer in the "two women" thread.

 

Which is that yes, it is possible to love two people.

 

And love is love, i dont care how you slice it. The circumstances might be wrong to love... it might be forbidden... the love might hurt other people.. but it doesn't change the fact that it's love.

 

I read an economics article on this. It said something to the effect that the ow is like a diamond and the w is like water. Each have value but only one is essential. This is true usually for the men I think whose marriages are bad enough to cheat but not bad enough to leave. Hers was obviously bad enough to leave. At some point shell probably question why she could divorce but you won't and what that says about the differences between you two. (projection on my part)

 

Sorry to see the thread got off track