joseb Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Oh one more thing. Please do not tell her you think she has any kind of a personality disorder, and don't show her the stuff you are reading like the shrink4men article and this site. She will twist it around and use it against you. She will probably try to convince you you are the one with a disorder. How do I know? Experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 No it's not a good thing - it's her sucking you back in with a load of lies., because she fears you might leave her. And to top that, again she is planting in you the seed that it's YOU that's in the wrong 'misses the sweet version of me' Fastjack, I really want to shake you and scream WAKE UP - don;t you see what she is doing? More trying to make it out that you are in the wrong. "oh baby, I know I punch you and smash your stuff and scream and yell, but you make me do it" Do you realise how crazy this is? Good. Listen to them. Go to shrink4men. Read more articles. If you join the forum you will see stories of guys who are 1, 5, 10 , 20 years in abusive relationships and are emotional wrecks. They started off just like you. Thank you joseb! I'm feeling guilty because I never had or experienced something like this before with all my past relationships. Prior to this, I came from a relationship for more than 5 years. I'm the type of guy who plays the role of a "Knight-in-shining-armor". Maybe that's the reason why i'm the victim. Oh, I just remembered, I actually said that I'm doubting some of the things she told me. Her reply was like, "Really? That's insulting! So you're telling me I'm a liar? I'm your girlfriend and now you doubt me? Look at you, how many times did you lie?" and so it goes on. I know I have to wake up soon. Very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm the type of guy who plays the role of a "Knight-in-shining-armor". Maybe that's the reason why i'm the victim. Yes white knights are famous for falling for these kinds of women. Hopefully you are starting to see what you are up against. Sounds like you may be. Good stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I know I have to wake up soon. Very soon. What? This makes no sense. You either wake up now or keep living in this fog. How many more times does she need to smack you or even punch you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 What? This makes no sense. You either wake up now or keep living in this fog. How many more times does she need to smack you or even punch you? We actually had an agreement to have a cool off for the next few days. After that we'll talking about our relationship if we should still continue this or not. She's feeling really guilty right now from what she did and I'll keep it to that. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Here's another update. Few hours ago, she accompanied me to my office to drop off something and had a mini-date. She even bought me cupcakes and I really found it sweet. After that, she wanted to talk about "us" again. She said she misses the sweet version of me because that's the one she fell in love with but she keeps on telling me that it's her fault why I became cold. It's actually a good thing she knows her mistake or what she did. From thereon, it became a boxing match. I kinda raised my voice at her because she was raising again our past issues. She said I was disrespecting her because I was getting pissed. The bottom line is, she thinks that I'm not the same person anymore and that she's trying so hard to win me back. To add more, she said I don't love her anymore and said she can see it very clear. I read this article about signs of emotional bullying https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/ I also talked with some of my friends regarding this, and they all said the same, that I should leave before it's too late. Why don't you two just stay away from each other before someone gets in trouble. Life is way too short for this type of drama. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Fastjack, if she feels you are likely to leave, she will try anything to convince you to stay. If gaslighting you or shaming or guilting you isn't working, she will probably switch to full on loving mode. Please be aware that this is an act designed to get you to stay so she has control. And don't have unprotected sex with her whatever you do, if she is BPD one of the ways they ensnare a guy is with an 'oops' pregnancy. Let her think you are cooling off for the next few days. But you MUST make the decision in you head that its over and plan accordingly. And when you tell her its over be prepared for her to go nuts. Do it in a few days, not in person - on the phone- I know - normally this is terrible but with someone like her its the best way. Oh and if she is BPD, she is NOT feeling any way guilty, despite what she may be telling you. She is upset that she pushed it too far and you might leave. She will probably learn to be more subtle in her abuse. This is why there are so many guys and girls in abusive relationships. They aren't all stupid, if their abusers were abusive all the time then no-one would stick around. Lastly, you need to work on yourself after this is over to figure out what it is about you that thinks someone abusing them like her is acceptable. I spent a year in therapy after I finally left my ex, and it helped a lot (and mine wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours). Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I can't figure out what it is you love about this woman. She sounds horrible. You accept the treatment you think you deserve. Good luck. Probably hot and good in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Fastjack, if she feels you are likely to leave, she will try anything to convince you to stay. If gaslighting you or shaming or guilting you isn't working, she will probably switch to full on loving mode. Please be aware that this is an act designed to get you to stay so she has control. And don't have unprotected sex with her whatever you do, if she is BPD one of the ways they ensnare a guy is with an 'oops' pregnancy. Let her think you are cooling off for the next few days. But you MUST make the decision in you head that its over and plan accordingly. And when you tell her its over be prepared for her to go nuts. Do it in a few days, not in person - on the phone- I know - normally this is terrible but with someone like her its the best way. Oh and if she is BPD, she is NOT feeling any way guilty, despite what she may be telling you. She is upset that she pushed it too far and you might leave. She will probably learn to be more subtle in her abuse. This is why there are so many guys and girls in abusive relationships. They aren't all stupid, if their abusers were abusive all the time then no-one would stick around. Lastly, you need to work on yourself after this is over to figure out what it is about you that thinks someone abusing them like her is acceptable. I spent a year in therapy after I finally left my ex, and it helped a lot (and mine wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours). You're right, she's on full loving mode. She knows that I like it very much. But I keep ignoring her and telling her that I'm working. She got pissed a little. Regarding the pregnancy thing, she's has her period right now and I always use protection when we do it. If we do breakup, is it really acceptable to talk over the phone or in person but in a neutral place like a cafe? I'm actually more worried on how she will react on social media. I'm expecting that my reputation will be severely damaged. Another thing, I know what she's capable of. Given the fact that she's an attractive woman, a lot of guys will pay attention to her and offer their shoulder to cry on. Edited April 20, 2015 by fastjack Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 You're worried about your reputation? You should be more worried about your SANITY and well-being than social media. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Twigyy Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 You're giving her all the power. What are you? A loser? You don't have to tell her that you're working. You don't have to worry about her crying on other guy's shoulder. You're showing everything of an unattractive man. You have to bulk up and become an alpha male. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 You're worried about your reputation? You should be more worried about your SANITY and well-being than social media. You're right, I should be more worried about my own sanity than what our mutual friends will think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 You're giving her all the power. What are you? A loser? You don't have to tell her that you're working. You don't have to worry about her crying on other guy's shoulder. You're showing everything of an unattractive man. You have to bulk up and become an alpha male. To be honest, Before all this, I was the alpha male of my group. I'm the one who always get the girls and all, and right now i'm dealing with this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Dude, you are in an emotional and physically abusive relationship. Get out now. Yes, men can be physically and emotionally abused just as much as women. You are getting smacked, punched and kicked. And let's not forget the verbal assaults. You don't deserve that. Time to cut her loose and move on. That should be a deal breaker for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 A friend of mine just got out of a relationship just like yours. His ex was verbally abusive pretty much all the time, and she would get physically abusive when she was drinking. She also acted a lot like your gf, she'd get very sweet when he'd finally had enough, and he'd be right back with her. You know what it finally took for HIM to end it? One night, she came at him with a knife, and in deflecting her from stabbing him with it, he grabbed her wrist and broke it. She took off and called the police. They came to his house to arrest him, and he went to jail for the night. A few days later, he found out that he was being charged with attempted murder. The crazy b*tch had either stabbed herself or had someone else stab her in the leg. The only thing that saved my friend from any jail time was the fact that there were about a dozen witnesses to the attack, and who could attest that he didn't go anywhere after she left. But if nobody else had been there, it would've been a different story. Cut this chick loose. I'm not saying that she's going to stab you, but this type of behavior typically escalates. You really think that she's going to realize that she almost lost you because of it and stop acting like that? Eff no, she's going to see it as you being ok with it after a few days to cool off and her acting nice and sweet. Just like my friend's ex. It took him three years, and he regrets not doing it sooner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 It took him three years, and he regrets not doing it sooner. I went through something similar MINUS the physical violence. I'm sure at some point it could have escalated to that. Whenever we argued, it was BAD, it was REALLY BAD. She made me lose my temper a way that no one else ever could. That was just 18 months in. I knew at Month 6 that it probably wouldn't work, but when times were good, they were so good, I thought I could deal with the bad. But then I realized that everything was a trigger for her and started compartmentalizing myself to the point were everything I said and did was neutral because I was afraid to trigger her. That's not a relationship. It's a jail sentence. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 But then I realized that everything was a trigger for her and started compartmentalizing myself to the point were everything I said and did was neutral because I was afraid to trigger her. That's not a relationship. It's a jail sentence. This is making me tear up, because I was in a relationship like that too. I had forgotten that feeling of just shutting down and waiting for the conversation to be over. I lost a lot of myself during that time, it was easier to go along with my ex and not deal with the upset. It took years to recover from it. Fastjack, man, this will be you. Nobody who stats out in a relationship like this ever thinks that it'll end up how it does. And it takes about twice as long as it should to end it. If you do nothing else, listen to those who have been there and learn form our mistakes. She's not unique, and this will turn out very similar to what we've described. Yeah you'll miss her in the beginning, but it isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Glad to know that you guys are actually giving me real life advice. I can't open much to people regarding this and she told me that issues in our relationship are best kept within the relationship itself. But sometimes you need to vent it out. I regularly hang out with my mates and they told me how much I changed. I can't even tell them everything what's happening on me. As of this time, she's with me inside the room doing her own thing with her phone. I think she's telling her guy friends how 'cold' I am to her because i've been ignoring her for quite some time. Am I doing the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Dumping her is the ONLY right thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 oh no! get out now! Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 As of this time, she's with me inside the room doing her own thing with her phone. I think she's telling her guy friends how 'cold' I am to her because i've been ignoring her for quite some time. Am I doing the right thing? REALLY? Do you REALLY have to ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fastjack Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Okay guys, now I fear about my security. I fell asleep and she woke me up by ranting about why I didn't even say good night. She was in full emotional mode crying and acting like a victim. She said she can't do it anymore. Apparently, she was talking with her guy friends about what's happening between us and one of the guys sent me a threat messsage that says if I don't stop making her feel like crap, he will hunt me down. She stormed out of the house crying and all. This is getting really serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Quick, change the locks. It's getting bad because YOU ARE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN.. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Starting to think you like the drama since you won't cut it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Go to the courthouse in the morning and get a restraining order out for her. Now, she's having her friends threaten bodily harm on you. This is getting serious. Plus, I think she has something going on with other people. I mean, it's starting to make sense now. She spends the evening on the phone with some dude and as you're GOING TO SLEEP, she decides to pick a fight with you?!?! And now she's gone. Gee, I wonder where she went? And didn't you write that one time she was excusing you of cheating? Have you ever heard of the saying, "The one that excuses the cheating is usually doing the cheating"? You don't need to be living this way. If she thinks you're such an unpleasant person, the an RO will be a welcoming sight for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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