Major red flags? Should I leave her for good?

[Fufu]

Good day guys! I just want to share my story and I need an HONEST opinion about this. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do right now..

 

Anyway, I'm in a relationship with this girl, a few years younger than me for almost three months already. We're both in our twenties. We started out as friends and decided to start dating a few months after we met. It was good at first but then it turned sour.

 

I just want to know if the following are MAJOR RED FLAGS in our relationship and if I should walk away:

 

1.) This happened a few months back. I was supposed to pick her up from a friend's house but I got late. When she got inside the car, she was verbally abusing and cursing me straight up to my face. The night ended with her SLAPPING me a couple of times ( and a punch on my face). So I walked out but I left my phone in her house. The next day, she told me that I left my phone and was really apologetic to what happened the previous night. Because of the incident, she thought we already broke up because I walked out so she went to have lunch with another guy who's really into her. I shrugged the incident because I really love this girl but kept note of what happened.

 

2.) We had an earlier argument so she went drinking with her friends, and eventually got drunk. I picked her up and while inside the car, she was being very annoying. She was trying to open the door while the car was moving and almost had an accident because of that. We stopped on a street and I got out of the car and went on her side to calm her down. I was holding my phone and she thought I was taking a video, she snapped it out of my hands and smashed it on the pavement. I got shocked to what happened and still tried to calm her down. She kicked me really hard and I rolled over the street then she locked the car from inside. It took a while for me to get inside the car. When she woke up the next day, she said she doesn't remember anything..

 

I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster ride. There are more instances when she can't control her anger and vent it out towards me(verbally abuse, shout etc.) then after that she'll play the victim role, apologize and cry like a baby. I feel like one day i'll just SNAP and might do something unacceptable. I really like this girl but I think it's too much.

 

Your thoughts?

 

 

I haven't read until part 2, my mind was screaming "RED FLAG RED FLAG"

How could she resort to violence on you, slapping and punching you and then went out with another guy for a meal. If you aren't a habitual latecomer, I don't see why she has to pick up a huge fuss in this.

 

part 2 - ugh I can't even read finish.

 

Dude, this girl is just not worth it. Please cease contact and move on and find a more gentle and ladylike woman. Plenty of such women out there.

 

If she doesn't help herself, no one can.

[ZiggyZoo]

 

To cut the story short, she used the begging-crying like a baby (my weakness) card on me. I have no choice but to give her another chance because I have real feelings for this woman.

 

Of course you have a choice! If the abuse wasn't enough, this sort of manipulation should be enough to pull the plug. You have a choice though, you're choosing to make her happy and not leave instead of making yourself happy and not being in this toxic mess.

[No Limit]

You should have left her the moment she got violent towards you.

[Downtown]

She can't control her anger and vent it out towards me(verbally abuse, shout etc.) then after that she'll play the victim role, apologize and cry like a baby.

FastJack, I agree with Jose that you're describing some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I also agree with Aaron that you also may be describing some red flags for narcissism or sociopathy. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong irrational anger, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), low self esteem ("she feels like trash"), and "playing the victim role" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (and, to a lesser extent, NPD).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

The night ended with her SLAPPING me a couple of times ( and a punch on my face.... she snapped it out of my hands and smashed it on the pavement.... She kicked me really hard....

FastJack, the physical abuse of one's partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between domestic violence and BPD.

 

Major red flags? Your thoughts?

Significantly, learning to spot red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that you are incapable of spotting the red flags. Like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if your exGF really does have strong BPD traits).

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Jose, Aaron, and other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, FastJack.

[spiderowl]

You might love this girl but you'd be crazy to stay with her. She has an anger problem and appears to have no problem with attacking you. THAT IS NOT NORMAL!! How you could even ask if this is a red flag, I don't know. The girl clearly has serious issues and is very abusive. No self-respecting guy would put up with this. If you do, you have some issues you need to address about self-worth and co-dependency. Best to seek advice and guidance from an organisation familiar with abusive behaviour because sure as hell that is what it is!

[spiderowl]

I guess i'm experiencing the same situation you had before with you ex-fiance. My current girlfriend came in like a trojan horse as well! Good looking, charming and irresistible woman. She was always there when I was feeling down. Physically, she's the most attractive girl I ever dated. At the start of our friendship, we clicked immediately. She's the type of girl when she enters the room, most guys will immediately notice. She's always mistaken as a celebrity when we go to malls or do shopping.

 

A few months after we became exclusive, things change. She's always insecure about my previous relationship and always checking my social media if i'm talking to my ex or other girls. If I don't give in to her demands, she always say bad things about me. Then after the dramatic confrontation, she'll be sweet and everything.

 

She doesn't like it and gets too emotional when I open up with my inner circle (closest friends). Actually most of my bros noticed that I'm beginning to change. They say that I look generally unhappy. She was able to penetrate and get close to my family specially with my mom. But of course, I don't tell my mom what's going on between us.

 

She broke up with me once and I took it seriously. The next day she wanted to see me so I dropped by at her house. To cut the story short, she used the begging-crying like a baby (my weakness) card on me. I have no choice but to give her another chance because I have real feelings for this woman.

 

Fast forward to this day and with all your inputs, I'm beginning to see the light..

 

Just because she's beautiful and turns heads doesn't make her good! I guess it's hard for a guy to give up on someone so physically attractive. I can see from Patti's 'Millionaire Matchmaker' programmes that, whatever great qualities the women have, the guys always choose the prettiest, most physically attractive woman, no matter how unsuitable her age or outlook. Can you face going against all male instincts and give up such a physically attractive girl I wonder? It's clear you should but will her body get the better of you?

[fastjack]

Here's an update.

 

I just want to continue the story after what happened on the second encounter. When she woke up the following day, she said that all she remembers was falling asleep in my car and couldn't remember anything what happened (the kicking and smashing my phone part).

 

When she woke up, I told her what she did and she kept saying she was sorry and she was "unconscious" that time. She was staying in my house by the way.

 

On the days that followed, I kinda got dry on her. I wasn't talking much and she got pissed because I wasn't "normal". We had a slight argument regarding my attitude and I told her that i'm not okay with what happened the other night but still said sorry for ignoring her the whole day.

 

One morning, she woke up with a moody attitude so I let her. Then she told me I was ignoring her again. I asked her to eat lunch with me but she said no. Then out of nowhere an argument started. This time, she was yelling and shouting at me but I was just letting her do all the talk. She was in the living room during the rant and I went inside my room and locked it. When she calmed down on her own, she tried to go inside my room and to her surprise, it was locked.

 

She gave me another round of abusing words and accused me of having an affair because I never lock my room. She even got my phone and checked my messages and messengers to see if I was talking to another girl. The argument continued and to cut the story short, she ended up "crying" again.

[mightycpa]

80% of the time, she's a good girlfriend.

99% of the time, Charlie Manson wasn't killing people. What's your point?

 

You have to make your judgment on the other 20% because that's what is so bad, it outweighs whatever good she is for you.

[Bohonia]

Run, jump and NEVER look back. Could you imagine having children with this woman?? Honestly her behavior sounds like she wants out of the relationship, honestly I wouldn't put up with it.

[fastjack]

After a whole day of ignoring each other, we finally had the chance to talk about what's happening with our relationship. She admitted all her faults, realized her mistakes and she said she can't blame me if I'll leave her soon. She said she did everything to "win me back" that's why even if we don't talk, she still cooks for me and still does what she can to help in the house. It was a sweet talk last night and I kinda missed it to be honest.

 

We both agreed to have 4 days of "space" to think things thru. She'll be leaving my house soon and after the 4 days off, we will talk if we still want to continue the relationship.

 

I guess this will be my chance to leave. Your thoughts?

[Cinnamonstix]

You've already got your answers.

[Fleur de cactus]

My goodness! what do you really like about her? Run fast!

[mightycpa]

Your thoughts?

I think you haven't read all the posts up there ^^.

 

You seriously think the latest is going to make anybody change their minds?

[fastjack]

I think you haven't read all the posts up there ^^.

 

You seriously think the latest is going to make anybody change their minds?

 

I actually did read all of 'em. And yeah, haha i'm not expecting everyone to change their minds on this one.

[lil hoodlum]

I agree, she sounds BPD. Borderline-Personality Disorder.

 

OP, do you yourself a favor and do some research into this personality disorder.

 

 

 

 

 

Let me ask you a question?

 

 

Do you think her actions are normal?

[Ruby65]

Yeah, she does sound like a Borderline. When they go into their violent psycho rages, they often conveniently "black out" the memories (so as to preserve their own perfect image of themselves).

 

The next time she's jumping out of cars or punching your face or whatever, check the pupils of her eyes. With Borderlines, the pupil becomes completely dialated when they go into psycho-rage state. They look like shark eyes.... iike a doll's eyes.

 

What a great wife and mother she's going to make some day!

[Diezel]

Remember when you said she was a good girlfriend 80% of the time?

Keep breaking up and getting back together and then it'll be 70%.

And then 60%.

 

And then you won't realize that you are being completely co-dependent.

 

This sounds like my relationship with my ex.

 

The sooner you can walk away, the better. Regardless of whether she is potentially BPD or not, if a partner in a relationship hits another, that is abuse and overstepping your personal boundaries and should be grounds for automatic dismissal from your life.

[veggirl]

Sounds like you're gonna stay with her. Sad.

[Reality015]

Trust me don't stay with a girl because of her looks.

 

Easy to say as I know from experience.

 

I just had a good friend of mine get played big time because he didn't want to break up with her. He knew something wasn't right though because of her looks he stayed with her.

 

He didn't finally leave until he caught her sleeping around with some other guy & now he still has to pay off her loan from a failed business she tried to start as the loan was in his name. Legally she doesn't owe him a cent, morally she does however he knows it's not going to happen.

[joseb]

she said that all she remembers was falling asleep in my car and couldn't remember anything what happened (the kicking and smashing my phone part).

When she woke up, I told her what she did and she kept saying she was sorry and she was "unconscious" that time.

How convenient. Do you believe her?

Actually, she may be telling the truth in a way. If she is BPD, sometimes they do have trouble remembering the details when they lose their ****. Kinda like 4 year olds. She may also be trying to 'gaslight' you - where she tries to convince you that your memory of events is wrong.

 

I wasn't talking much and she got pissed because I wasn't "normal".

She is trying to twist this around and make this out about you being not normal. She is manipulating you. I really worry when I read this kinda stuff, because I fear that you are not seeing things clearly and not seeing what she is doing to you.

 

One morning, she woke up with a moody attitude so I let her. Then she told me I was ignoring her again. I asked her to eat lunch with me but she said no. Then out of nowhere an argument started.

Flipping form fine to nuts in seconds is classic borderline behaviour.

 

 

She gave me another round of abusing words and accused me of having an affair because I never lock my room. She even got my phone and checked my messages and messengers to see if I was talking to another girl. The argument continued and to cut the story short, she ended up "crying" again.

Again, the insane jealousy is a feature of Borderlines. Often because they are easily tempted to cheat and therefore think everyone else must be too.

 

I'd bet a lot of money she's a full blown BPD, possible with more PDs as well.

But it's not really important is she is or she isn't.

What is NOT in ANY doubt is that she is abusing you physically and emotionally.

That is more than enough to mean this relationship has to be ended asap.

You are at real risk staying in it - both mental and physical.

The longer you stay, the more she will manipulates you, sow seeds of doubt in you, convince you you are the problem. If you don't leave now you run the very real risk of getting sucked deeper and deeper into an abusive relationship and finding it harder and harder to get out.

 

Fastjack, you came on here to get some advice. The advice has all been extremely clear. Nobody thinks you should stay with this physco. Please don't ignore what we all are telling you.

Edited April 20, 2015 by joseb

[stillafool]

I can't figure out what it is you love about this woman. She sounds horrible. You accept the treatment you think you deserve. Good luck.

[fastjack]

Here's another update. Few hours ago, she accompanied me to my office to drop off something and had a mini-date. She even bought me cupcakes and I really found it sweet. After that, she wanted to talk about "us" again. She said she misses the sweet version of me because that's the one she fell in love with but she keeps on telling me that it's her fault why I became cold. It's actually a good thing she knows her mistake or what she did.

 

From thereon, it became a boxing match. I kinda raised my voice at her because she was raising again our past issues. She said I was disrespecting her because I was getting pissed.

 

The bottom line is, she thinks that I'm not the same person anymore and that she's trying so hard to win me back. To add more, she said I don't love her anymore and said she can see it very clear.

 

 

I read this article about signs of emotional bullying

 

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

 

I also talked with some of my friends regarding this, and they all said the same, that I should leave before it's too late.

[joseb]

Here's another update. Few hours ago, she accompanied me to my office to drop off something and had a mini-date. She even bought me cupcakes and I really found it sweet. After that, she wanted to talk about "us" again. She said she misses the sweet version of me because that's the one she fell in love with but she keeps on telling me that it's her fault why I became cold. It's actually a good thing she knows her mistake or what she did.

No it's not a good thing - it's her sucking you back in with a load of lies., because she fears you might leave her.

And to top that, again she is planting in you the seed that it's YOU that's in the wrong 'misses the sweet version of me'

Fastjack, I really want to shake you and scream WAKE UP - don;t you see what she is doing?

 

She said I was disrespecting her because I was getting pissed.

The bottom line is, she thinks that I'm not the same person anymore and that she's trying so hard to win me back. To add more, she said I don't love her anymore and said she can see it very clear.

More trying to make it out that you are in the wrong.

"oh baby, I know I punch you and smash your stuff and scream and yell, but you make me do it"

Do you realise how crazy this is?

 

I read this article about signs of emotional bullying

 

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

 

I also talked with some of my friends regarding this, and they all said the same, that I should leave before it's too late.

 

Good. Listen to them. Go to shrink4men. Read more articles.

If you join the forum you will see stories of guys who are 1, 5, 10 , 20 years in abusive relationships and are emotional wrecks. They started off just like you.

[fastjack]

I kinda feel guilty right now by raising my voice on her and being disrespectful because I made a 'tss' sound while she was talking. She said that if I continue to be like this, cold and getting angry easily, she'll be the one to break it up.

 

Man, this is really hard. I feel like cracking up anytime.

[Diezel]

She's gaslighting you.

 

You need to get out of this relationship NOW.