Breaking It Off Vent

[Leigh 87]

I've also said before, in my experience the men who come on the strongest are the ones who disappear the quickest. When the tables are turned, the same can be said for yourself Leigh. You claimed to love this guy already but you are already talking about going out to an Irish bar and picking up!?

 

I was joking.. Keeping in good spirits. Of course I won't be ready to date for a month or so.

 

And I'm not super attractive to all men, I am not model or celebrity material at all but I do have the venerated female figure that a high proportion of men drool over. I myself am not the hottest woman in the room according to MOST people standards! I am not saying I am all that, I'm not. But GemmaUK was VERY wrong un her ascertain that I was NOT one of the hotties he usually dates. I actually look at their level. They were just younger. And I look early 20s, 22 to 24 people guess. I also had a much better figure than his ex.

 

I'm very sure it wasn't my looks that let me down here. I am perceptive enough to know whhe a man is enamoured with my looks versus being lukewarm. I'm no idiot.

 

And he didn't come on strong. He uttered a few declarations of love when PLASTERED. When sober he definitely didn't utter ILO. I did ask him about his drunken episode. He adopted that he thinks he is feeling that way inclined. He didn't carry on. He never asked for a serious relationship.

 

He just wanted to be bf and gf.

 

And he rang. I told him how I'd felt ; that his absence of contact made me mentally go through the break up. He said sorry, his life was so crazy, he had to work such crazy hours at work on top of his ex calling and texting incessantly about his baby.

 

He said he really dislikes seeing her because she is such a vile person but he does it for his bay. He said it's very unpleasant to have to deal with her. It he's trying to just be there for the baby. That he thinks it looks like his but will definitely have the paternity test.

 

He asked me if I wanted to date others. I said no, I've been upset over you. He asked if I had been back online browsing dudes.I said NO, I'm not a robot and it'd take time to move on.

He asked what we were. I said he clearly isn't in the position to date. That although I could tell he didn't want to hurt me, he had with his lack of contact.

 

I told him I'd offer him my support as a friend for now. That I'd RATHER date him but, he needs to warm.up to his new baby, learn how to coparant effectively and find out if this truly his and been single for a while, the we can talk about dating IF he realises he really wants to pursue me and I'm still single.

 

Told him I'm just a phone away if he wants support during this difficult time. He hurt me and he knows I was upset going through the process of writing him off. But i didn't make it about me since he is legit going through a tough time.....

 

He said this whole thing.... The low contact of late...had nothing to do with him not being into me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Holy crap. You need to chill. By about 10 levels. This is all over a guy you dated a few weeks.

 

It's odd because your posts flip-flop between sounding genuinely bummed to sounding haughty and self-righteous. You also seem to be focusing on the physical. Describing yourself as having a porn-star body and perky breasts and a better figure than his ex...well, that level of arrogance is off-putting and indicates insecurity. You don't need to try to prove to use or anyone else that you are physically attractive.

 

My take is that you simply cannot wrap your mind around the fact that slowed-down communication might have nothing to do with you at all. While I don't think he was great relationship material anyway, I do think you are doing yourself a huge disservice by assuming that someone's distance during a life challenge means they aren't into you. From my perspective, he wasn't ready for a relationship in any case. Your body and face and whatever else don't factor into it at all.

[Leigh 87]

Holy crap. You need to chill. By about 10 levels. This is all over a guy you dated a few weeks.

 

It's odd because your posts flip-flop between sounding genuinely bummed to sounding haughty and self-righteous. You also seem to be focusing on the physical. Describing yourself as having a porn-star body and perky breasts and a better figure than his ex...well, that level of arrogance is off-putting and indicates insecurity. You don't need to try to prove to use or anyone else that you are physically attractive.

 

My take is that you simply cannot wrap your mind around the fact that slowed-down communication might have nothing to do with you at all. While I don't think he was great relationship material anyway, I do think you are doing yourself a huge disservice by assuming that someone's distance during a life challenge means they aren't into you. From my perspective, he wasn't ready for a relationship in any case. Your body and face and whatever else don't factor into it at all.

 

 

 

 

Sorry you're right.

 

I was just trying to convery that he was VERY VEERY attracted to me and he NEVER alluded to me not being up to par as his "hot bimbos:sick:'

 

It came out wrong worry.

[Leigh 87]

well he texted... " so this is it then"

 

 

He said " it is NOT a case of me not being into you I AM, I really like you, you're everything I want and I have never been this attracted, you're my ideal body type to a T so it is NOT YOU that is lacking leigh !!!!!!"

 

" I never said I didn't want a relationship. I am saying my life is clearly effed, I am mentally hurting even though I am not in love with me ex it is still traumatic for her to have my child when I cannot stand being in the same room as her''

" You're the only girl I want, I just cannot give you what you are looking for, I am not in any state to be dating or thinking about my love life"

" I do want to continue as we were, you're not a fck buddy you are relationship material and totally not a casual Miss Right Now chick, but I am dealing with so much mental anguish that I would have to move at a much slower pace, the feelings are there though but honestly u deserve better than me right now"

 

So he basically said that it is him and not me, he does want a relationship but he is in no position to offer everything that a relationship entails such as a clear mind.........He said it is definately not a case of " wanting to use you until I feel better, and then I will meet a woman who knocks my socks off and I DO want to commit to......

 

He says the feelings are there, the chemistry is there, he considers me relationship material and I am everything he wants but it is simply the wrong time..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I feel better that it wasn't just a case of him just "not being that into me".

 

It seems that this is the exception to the rule!!!! 99.99999% of times, he just aint that into you.

 

I feel like I am finally the exception to the rule! The guy was into me but it was circumstantial............

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think he is being honest.

 

BTW unrelated to this; did you get more attention as a blonde or a brunette?

[Conners]

well he texted... " so this is it then"

 

 

He said " it is NOT a case of me not being into you I AM, I really like you, you're everything I want and I have never been this attracted, you're my ideal body type to a T so it is NOT YOU that is lacking leigh !!!!!!"

 

 

why on earth would he bring up your body type unless you messaged something a long the lines of "is my body not good enough for you"

 

men hate this sort of behavior by the way, stop fishing for compliments and realize relationships are not based on looks alone.

[elaine567]

Leigh87, you have to stop being obsessed with your body and how others view your body.

YOU don't know what actually turns an individual on, so for you to diss his ex as not being as hot as you is nonsense, she may be his perfect 10 and you are somewhat lower.

Being "the body", does not a relationship make, get that out of your head.

 

ALL men with a cheating ex, "hate" that ex, even if deep down they love them. He says he"hates" her, even if deep down he knows she would just need to snap her fingers, tell him she loves him and he would roll over like a puppy dog. What people say and what they feel can be two different things.

Getting involved with people who are still involved with other people is a recipe for disaster.

One sure way of getting your heart ripped apart is being in a rebound relationship, or just being used for sex whilst he gets his act together.

YOU set yourself up for both here.

 

As soon as you found out he had a recent ex and especially an ex with a new baby you should have walked away fast and not talked yourself into some sort of "relationship" that was only in your head.

Even if he had wanted to continue stuff, how were you going to deal with an 18 year old baby mamma and her baby, taking up a huge amount of his time and his resources, not to mention he seems a bit f*cked up anyway. Being cheated on, is a massive hit to anyone's ego, few walk away unscathed.

The practicalities of the arrangement you were going to be part of would have been very difficult to deal with, but all you seem to see is "sexual chemistry".

Sexual chemistry does not solve real life problems.

[GemmaUK]

Excuse me?

 

He never said he goes for hotties...

 

I deduced that.

 

And I AM as hot as his ex by most people's standards. I'm slimmer, have a much better figure and I am as pretty or prettier to most.

 

....he DID think I was a hottie and he showed me off to his friends......

 

How rude.

 

 

You do realise I have a porn star body that most men drool over? The men who like curvy of course... Not all men are into large boobs and bottoms.... And my ex was a t and ass man? I have a very nice smile. I'm not Megan Fox but I WAS NOT a girl that he went for because " he wanted a change from hotties ":sick:

 

I heard him thing his friends AND my friends that I was " so beautiful "

 

He told me all the time what a hottie he thought I was.

 

I know when a man is highly attracted to me thankyou.... I've been with a man who want so I know very well when a guy falls hard for my looks.....

 

Sorry but from the first moment he thought I was gorgeous. I could see his initial reaction to me.

 

I'm not stupid. I know when a man is instantly enamoured by my looks.

 

I avoid men who aren't very attracted to me. Since I had such a traumatic time with men who just weren't into my looks.

 

I wouldn't know that you 'deduced' that he goes for 18 yo hotties. You posted here about him telling you this at least twice.

 

 

The rest of his behaviour - blaming his ex for his drinking and drugs and also hating all his ex's are both huge signs of a man who is controlling and emotionally abusive.

 

You also posted somewhere that he is like a little child who needs looking after (again, another trait).

 

There was another bit I spotted:

 

 

He went for a lot younger hotter women for chemistry and in the end he couldnt stomach their personalities and their entitled, bratty attitude. I told him that I would be THRILLED with being taken out for a romantic date once per week maximum and didnt want anything else.

 

His exes demanded their own credit cards and they did no house work or cooking when he went out to earn a living. Trust me, he has taken the rose tinted glasses off and he simply doen't want to go there again:sick:

 

Did none of his ex's work or have any responsibilities?

I would be wary of a man's attitude toward women who work and what he expects of a relationship.

You're looking to get your own business which will mean long hours and working in the evenings and possibly weekends too.

Skip to the future and what if he expects you to be home cleaning and cooking all day.

 

You said he was transparent about his ex. Aside from the 'my new bf has a better car than you' (which IMO any 30 yo man should just laugh off) what are the details of all of the emotionally abusive attacks that he suffered?

I get a feeling that you won't get many details because I doubt it was her who was emotionally abusive to be really honest.

Emotional abusers are massively manipulative and are very good at making out nothing was their fault.

 

So far he has shown:

Lack of respect (in not responding to you).

Abstaining from responsibility (drink and drugs are not his fault).

A running theme that all of his ex's were vile (this alone would tell you that you'll be the next ex who was a nightmare), it's not at all common that everyone sees nor vocalises about all of their ex's in such a bad light.

He is the common denominator.

 

Plus, you are being his perfect target as you are 100% believing all that he is telling you, you already feel that you can change him, make his life better and are willing to be uber supportive no matter what.

 

This won't end well Leigh and won't go well.

Look after yourself.

[h0000]

the fact that she goes for losers like him screams low self-esteem on her side

[Jessie1231]

why on earth would he bring up your body type unless you messaged something a long the lines of "is my body not good enough for you"

 

men hate this sort of behavior by the way, stop fishing for compliments and realize relationships are not based on looks alone.

 

Yeah why did he bring up body type? I've never sent or received a text that said - I'm not into you, but it's definitely not because of your body type. So it sounds like you came out and asked him if him ending things was because of your body type. That screams insecurity which is probably more unattractive than having the wrong body type.

[katiegrl]

Leigh are you still in therapy? If so, so please show your therapist this thread.

 

Another poster mentioned earlier she felt like she was witnessing a hypermanic episode..

 

She wasn't joking!

 

I realize it is difficult to see yourself objectively, so again please show your therapist this thread so he/she can help you.

 

Your constant ranting, one after the other, and defensiveness regarding your looks, from how *hot* men think you are to your porn star body, to feeling like you are NOT hot enough for a man to want. ...

 

to your switching from not caring ...to then sending him a text telling him you are "there" for him, among other major inconsistencies and contradictions in your posts.... ALL wreak of emotional instability, insecurity, low-self esteem....or perhaps something even more detrimental like manic/depression, and/or even low level narcissism.

 

Not saying this to be mean or to insult you, in fact despite the things mentioned above, I have come to really like you.

 

I along with others reading your threads (not just this one) have noticed that something just isn't right here and that you appear to be quite confused about many things, and quite manic at times.

 

Please don't ignore this and seek help.

 

Good luck!

((hugs))

Edited April 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[Kamille]

Leigh,

 

There is one thing you now know thanks to this man: some men find you highly attractive.

 

Done! Proved! You no longer need to wonder. You no longer have to spend time trying to convince yourself that this is true. It is.

 

Got it? You're hot. Fact established.

 

Now that you know you are attractive, what are you going to do to find a stable, happy relationship?

 

I think you should focus on the qualities that make a man relationship material.

 

Not just how a man makes you feel, but also whether he is demonstrating himself to be reliable, healthy (i.e. not a drug addict or a heavy drinker), caring and understanding.

 

Please note: none of these qualities have anything to do with being highly intelligent or being good in bed. Those two things are great, but they're not indicators that a man is relationship material.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're right.

 

I was just trying to convery that he was VERY VEERY attracted to me and he NEVER alluded to me not being up to par as his "hot bimbos:sick:'

 

It came out wrong worry.

 

But why? Why are you focused on this aspect?

 

Did you come right out and ask him if it's your body and looks?

[Timshel]

I think Leigh's bf texted her exactly what Leigh wanted him to text.

 

I apologize in advance.

[Leigh 87]

I believe him.

 

He hates his ex. I don't believe he'd get back with her.

 

I also believe he was more attracted to me than he was her.

 

 

He told me that...as a science nerd, he's never found the elusive combo of: a girl he connected with intellectually, emotionally and physically.

 

He told me that I give him goosebumps and he feels " that " type of chemistry, and at age 29 I'm the only girl who he's felt he has a real chance with.

 

The issue is, our bodies fit so well. I've slept with a lot of men. As he has women. We are really addicted. To each other sexually. The smell, the feel and just our chemical reaction to one another.

 

He has issues. I don't believe he has any chance of going back to his ex. I definitely get the sense he's more attracted to me than he was her based on what he told me.

 

So as far as I'm concerned he just has issues to overcome. I don't believe he emotionally abused. I am taking him at face value and just putting it down to him having bad luck. He has only bad mouth the one ex.

 

He happens to have an ice addict brother. And he doesn't seem eye to eye with his parents since his dad hit him growing up...

 

He doesn't drink much or take drugs in a club sense. He's very well versed in the medical field and he has friends in high ranked positions in the pharmaceutical industry... He takes serotonin for instance and also something serious that makes him wake up refreshed even if he has poor sleep.......

 

I don't believe this will end with him going back to his ex. And I believe he is too hooked on me to divert his attention to any other women. I'd actually be extremely shocked if he did. I believe we are both hooked.

 

 

 

The kicker is, we are both people who don't trust. We don't trust the opposite sex. We both have a lot of issues.

 

If you share the rare combo of electric chemistry, intellectual and emotional chemistry, it is damn hard to NOT want to eliminate the issues.

[katiegrl]

Leigh, please stop. Just STOP, okay? You are now beginning to sound pathetic.

 

Did you read my post 86? Or did you pass over because you don't want to acknowledge how ridiculous you sound and how confused and troubled you are?

 

I hope the mods lock this up soon.

[Leigh 87]

It's so hard to walk away from the butterflies, explosive sex, emotional, intellectual and also shared sense of humour.

 

Ugh.

 

It's just so rare

 

I do feel sparks with men. Mutually, and easier than most people. But it's never been at thus level where we make each other laugh and can both talk intelligently.

 

At the very slim chance it could work, surely getting through the saddest time in his life means we can get through anything?

 

I'm thinking about it all.

 

He told me why he didn't text me. He told me about his though process.

 

I am having a think about it all

[Leigh 87]

why on earth would he bring up your body type unless you messaged something a long the lines of "is my body not good enough for you"

 

men hate this sort of behavior by the way, stop fishing for compliments and realize relationships are not based on looks alone.

 

He told me. He was just really happy with what he had.

[Leigh 87]

the fact that she goes for losers like him screams low self-esteem on her side

 

He's not a loser.

 

He has a great career, he's hot and he has a great personality.

 

Have some compassion. He's going through the worst time of his life.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

 

There is one thing you now know thanks to this man: some men find you highly attractive.

 

Done! Proved! You no longer need to wonder. You no longer have to spend time trying to convince yourself that this is true. It is.

 

Got it? You're hot. Fact established.

 

Now that you know you are attractive, what are you going to do to find a stable, happy relationship?

 

I think you should focus on the qualities that make a man relationship material.

 

Not just how a man makes you feel, but also whether he is demonstrating himself to be reliable, healthy (i.e. not a drug addict or a heavy drinker), caring and understanding.

 

Please note: none of these qualities have anything to do with being highly intelligent or being good in bed. Those two things are great, but they're not indicators that a man is relationship material.

 

 

 

If it weren't for his issues he's actually everything I've ever wanted. In a partner...

 

He makes me laugh. He's been in long relationship and he values monogamy and was a le to demonstrate faithfulness for years despite not being in love with two of them.

 

He believes in sticking by one another through thick and thin.

 

He's smart. Ambitious. Enjoys treating a lady.

 

He accepted my quirks early on. Unfiltered.

 

 

 

I just wish he was in a better place

[katiegrl]

He's not a loser.

 

He has a great career, he's hot and he has a great personality.

 

Have some compassion. He's going through the worst time of his life.

 

In addition to what I have written earlier, we can now add delusional to the list.

 

Please seek help!!!!

[Leigh 87]

In addition to what I have written earlier, we can now add delusional to the list.

 

Please seek help!!!!

 

I can't see why he's a loser simply because he has issues.

 

I get therapy. I tell her the things people here concern themselves with. And I'll tell her what you said. Rather, I'll show her as I usually do.

 

She says I way over play things online, people thing things are worse than they are.

 

I know the guy. I don't think he's a loser or bad news. He's just going through a tough time. That's the reason it's ending. It's not ending because he's a loser

[Leigh 87]

Please stop vilifying this guy and support me in ending it.

 

I don't need people to tell me they know someone more than I know them. When I've met him and you guys haven't.

[elaine567]

I just wish he was in a better place

 

He will never be in a better place, he has an 18 year old cheating baby mamma and a new born baby to think about for the next 20 years, or will he just dump it, like he did his other kids.

(He is a lovely guy).

 

Wake up

[katiegrl]

Please stop vilifying this guy and support me in ending it.

 

I don't need people to tell me they know someone more than I know them. When I've met him and you guys haven't.

 

Leigh sweetie, read your earlier posts. YOU were the one who was vilifying him...and then you switched.

 

If I have called him a loser, and I don't believe i have, it was because of how YOU described him!