Chloecat Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I got informed that he's going to therapy. It gives me conflicting emotions on one hand, I'm happy about it because I hope he gets his issues worked out. When he wasn't abusive we had great times together. I don't him to be filled with hate anymore. On the other hand, I'm afraid it won't change him and it'll just make it easier for him to get close to us only to hurt me. We start up the custody hearings in a week or so and I've never been more afraid for my son's safety. I just don't know what to do. Its a real pity that he knows he has a Son. If he hadn't known you could have been a million miles away now. As it is....yes, very complicated. I have been there. I stayed with my H for 20 years....because I thought we could all be a happy family....then realised that that was just a fantasy. Then, with the kids....just so worried about him having them to himselves for a week or whatever....and he could barely cook for himself (being such a mammas boy) and how would he look after the kids? So I put up with him to have my kids with me all the time, Had some good times...but the end result is I have a D who has depression and anxiety and now in counselling. I made WRONG DECISION. You are brilliant....but....don't relent. Keep away from him. Pity he knows the child is his...that's all. X Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 They gave him weekly monitored visits. My heart is broken, I can't breathe. I don't want him around my baby! The judge said I can go too... I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I'm so afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Deep breaths. The key word is monitored. That means they don't trust him alone with your baby. It's common. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 They gave him weekly monitored visits. My heart is broken, I can't breathe. I don't want him around my baby! The judge said I can go too... I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I'm so afraid. Whoa! This is kind of great, isn't it? He won't be alone with your child. My guess is, he'll be pissed off about the whole thing and eventually stop seeing his son. I would advise you to go to the visits, but not so that he will see you. If he thinks this is another way to get your attention, disappoint him. What about this upsets you? Did you think the courts would keep him from having any kind of access to his son? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I was hoping with how bad he hurt me that they'd keep him away from us. I'm always going to have a scar down the side of my face because of that. I see it every time I look in the mirror. It's a reminder that I put my sweet baby in danger. I should've been more careful coming out of the house. That's why I don't want him around... That's why I'm crying. I don't want my baby to get hurt, he's so sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It's supervised, so your son won't get hurt. Did anyone talk to you before they decided to give him visitation? If not, you may be able to talk to the authorities and remind them of what he did to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 I talked them down from three visits to one because of the attack. So I do have something to be happy about, but I just want him safe. I know he can't do anything under supervision, but I still worry. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Well, the truth is, this is who you had a baby with. Lessons learned. And you will be dealing with this issue for the next 18 years. Just make sure you document every single thing he does, in a notebook. Sometimes that's the only way you can stop visitation - to have excellent records. Link to post Share on other sites
nlynnc Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Tree lover, where are the supervised visits at? I've been reading your posts bc your situation is so similar to mine. That's how my kid's dad is. When is his first visit ? Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 They gave him weekly monitored visits. My heart is broken, I can't breathe. I don't want him around my baby! The judge said I can go too... I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I'm so afraid. Knowing how you must be feeling ...I'm sorry TL ...I've followed your posts and this news is distressing. For the life of me I don't understand judges who make decisions like this. Bring your notebook and record everything ...and please do not engage with this sorry excuse for a man on any level during visitation. He's going to feel as though he won the battle ...but he's really lost the war. Please bring someone with you each time you go and take a different route each time you go and arrive at different times. Do not establish a pattern. I do hope since paternity has been established that child support is being taken directly from his paycheck and into an account only you have access to. This is all court ordered. Also ...what happens when the baby is sick? Visit canceled? Hard to prove child that young isn't sick ...happens a lot. Also ...with sleep schedule changing so much the first year ...do you wake up baby to accommodate the visitation? I'm just astounded this visitation wasn't postponed till baby is at least a year. I'm a single mom to 2 boys ...they are in school ...it's difficult. Build special routines like every Saturday you go to same park ...join mom's playgroups ... I have done so many special things my kids have a lifetime full of rich moments ...things we do that are just ours ...every year since they were 2 I video them on their birthday and ask them what they want to be when they grow up. Answers are beyond adorable. We go to the zoo light show every Christmas with friends ... Kids like routine and knowing they have something special to look forward to. Dad has no childhood memory of such things or he wouldn't be beyond bitter. He's a "woe is me guy" drama boy. Sad for him but up to you to give your son the childhood he'll brag about for his entire life. And do not be afraid of making little mistakes ... your job now is momma bear ... And eventually his lighthouse to shine the way for him. Keep your protective orders on you at all times as well as custody papers. And have orders amended barring child's dad from so many feet of day care or any other place you frequent. Let child care know what custody arrangement is. Hugs and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 It's next week. It's in a safe, monitored location as well, and my mom and dad are coming. My son's schedule wasn't even considered by the judge, but they take place in the evening. I can't help but think of the night we kissed, and I wish I would've known that wasn't the same person. He was quiet but he would smile at me and laugh and he was sweet. That's how the first six months were. Then I asked him if we could use a condom because of my blood clot and he snapped. That's when he changed on me and it hurt. I wanted to help him not be so mad at the world. That's all I wanted... Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 (edited) It's next week. It's in a safe, monitored location as well, and my mom and dad are coming. My son's schedule wasn't even considered by the judge, but they take place in the evening. I can't help but think of the night we kissed, and I wish I would've known that wasn't the same person. He was quiet but he would smile at me and laugh and he was sweet. That's how the first six months were. Then I asked him if we could use a condom because of my blood clot and he snapped. That's when he changed on me and it hurt. I wanted to help him not be so mad at the world. That's all I wanted... OP ...we all know you wanted to help. Normal people just do not snap like this. I had to break it off with a guy last year who turned into a "snapper" no thank you!! ...I saw the signs after 2 months dating ...told him I wasn't going for it ... He begged me to give him a few months and he would get counseling ...said he was all better with his anger (and taking 2 psych meds and anger management counseling). I wasn't buying it. He blew a lid when I broke up with him. I take zero blame for his inability to moderate his emotions. He also had a terrible relationship with his mom who was awful to him. He actually told me he was going to "take her out because she was the reason he was so messed up and the reason I was leaving him is because he's so messed up" OMG!! That was the last time I saw him before I had to get a restraining order. Took me months to get over how he acted ...I was stunned because I'd never seen crazy like this before. I've lived a bit of a sheltered upper class existence and had just gotten divorced after ~20 yrs. The father of your child is just that. That's all. You cannot save him. He has issues that will decimate you and your child. You did not cause his overreaction over the condom nor the overreaction when he beat you up in front of your son. Look at pix of yourself from that day everyday to remind yourself. He's crazy ... no need to feel you caused anything. He OWNS 100% of his crazy. You deserve someone emotionally healthy. Repeat that last sentence 100 times except change to "I deserve" Edited October 14, 2015 by StBreton Link to post Share on other sites
TommyGee Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 So many posts going all the way back to April, I couldn't possibly read them all. I will say only one thing. As the son of a man who beat me and abused me, long long time ago when it didn't raise many eyebrows, i would rather have had no father at all. Okay, two things. I cried when he passed away, not because I loved him, but only because I didn't hate him anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 We had the first meeting today. When I walked in I was shocked because I've always known him with really long hair he puts up in a bun. One of the things we bonded over was he let me see him with his hair down. He said that it was "only for really special girls." The man I saw today had his head shaved and a bit of a beard. I had to make sure he was indeed the same person. He seems like he's been sedated... He was so sweet to the baby. He asked if he could kiss him and I said of course. It was the sweetest and saddest thing ever. He would smile at our son and say sweet things and was so gentle. Our son was instantly calm with him. He and I didn't speak much. He just told me that the friend who gave me away said hello and was getting something on his car fixed. He brushed his hand against mine when I gave him the baby, it was totally intentional. When it was time to go he was trying not to cry. I hope he knows we have to do this because of him. He's missing out because he can't control himself. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Glad the visit went as well as it could ...considering the person this guy is. Also glad to see your update. Personally I think he has feelings for this baby. Touching ...however ...his completely crossing boundaries I find manipulative and maddening ...he's up to his old tricks. First ...knowing this "person" who gave up your location resulted in you're being beaten ...he "relays" this message of "hello" to you?!! I'm not sure the person told your ex about you not wanting any contact with the person ...but I'll bet your ex and this person talked about it ...I'm appalled your ex relayed the message. Appalled? Actually I'm horrified. How did you feel upon hearing this message? Threatened? Disgusted? Happy? I would have said "ya I'm no longer interested in maintaining any friendship with so and so" to shut him down and establish firm boundaries. Second ...his brushing his hand against you after physically assaulting you is beyond inappropriate ... I would have said in a nice but firm tone ...I do not want you to touch me ...again establish firm boudaries. Document this touching ...is he allowed to touch you? Is there a restraining order in place? TL ...you may think me harsh but I see you as a vulnerable mother who's working on being stronger and I see this guy for who he is ...an abuser who's trying to worm his way back into your heart. No amount of any change on his part would ever lead me to change my mind on keeping him at arms length ...but that is what I would do because I would want a healthy relationship for myself and not be with anyone with whom I have a memory of being beaten up by. The whole "you're my special girl so you can see my pony tail" thing is just weird and creepy. If you're seeing a therapist ...ask them what they think about these things. This guy definitely knows he is the reason things must be this way ...but I get the feeling you're in so much pain and disbelief that things must be this way ...otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned this sentiment in this way. I truly feel for you. I do hope you and your baby are doing well. Edited October 21, 2015 by StBreton 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 You know, if ANYTHING could make him have a reason to get real help and really turn his life around, it would be seeing his baby and seeing you. You never know. Of course, it would take him YEARS of therapy and change before he could be a contributing member of society. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) You know, if ANYTHING could make him have a reason to get real help and really turn his life around, it would be seeing his baby and seeing you. You never know. Of course, it would take him YEARS of therapy and change before he could be a contributing member of society. He did see both of them. He ambushed her in a parking lot outside where she lived when baby was ~1 month old. He physically assaulted mom screaming and tried to take baby by pulling on the car seat in back of car leaving the baby shaking and crying. Police were called ...thankfully a caring neighbor ...mom went to hospital with many injuries. History is in her postings. The guy is a ticking time bomb. When can one ever feel safe with someone who's done such an egregious act? Rhetorical question. Edited October 21, 2015 by StBreton 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Huh? Was I telling her to get back with him? I was speaking from a position of suggesting that, with time, he may feel a desire to be a better person for no other reason than to be a part of his son's life. Link to post Share on other sites
nlynnc Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm glad the visit went well. Has he ever tried to come over to your house and do anything? That's what I'm always afraid of my ex doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 When he gave me the hello message, I felt sick. The whole time I just thought of when he attacked me. It's what I thought when I gave him the baby too... I was a little nervous. I know for next time to have someone else hand him the baby. He touched my hand in a way that I think he would play off as an accident. So, I won't fight it or put myself in that situation again. We won't ever be getting back together. There's too much hurt there. I couldn't do that to my baby boy. But come to think of it, we weren't together in the first place, at least not in his eyes. It's funny that that still hurts to say... I honestly think he's on medication. He was so zapped and just slow. He's always been quiet, but that was something else. His voice sounded like he was a zombie or something. It really makes me wonder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 When he gave me the hello message, I felt sick. The whole time I just thought of when he attacked me. It's what I thought when I gave him the baby too... I was a little nervous. I know for next time to have someone else hand him the baby. He touched my hand in a way that I think he would play off as an accident. So, I won't fight it or put myself in that situation again. We won't ever be getting back together. There's too much hurt there. I couldn't do that to my baby boy. But come to think of it, we weren't together in the first place, at least not in his eyes. It's funny that that still hurts to say... I honestly think he's on medication. He was so zapped and just slow. He's always been quiet, but that was something else. His voice sounded like he was a zombie or something. It really makes me wonder. Proud of you for staying clear headed TL. When I read your update I was concerned you might fall under his "spell" again ... But you are so front and center in being a mom ...and valuing and protecting yourself as more than an object for someone ... You've got a healthy anger toward him ...and anger that's felt toward another who hurts the helpless is absolutely ok. It sounds like you're being a great mom. Hugs to you. Stay strong. Come back and give us updates:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think that part of me will always care about him, but not love him. I did love him, but that love is gone after the terror my son went through. I couldn't call myself a mother if I was okay with what happened to him. I'm just lucky he won't remember it. If there's one thing I'm grateful for it's that. I don't want him to have memories that are violent. I want him to be a happy little boy and I don't know if that's possible with this man around. Even without us seeing each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think that part of me will always care about him, but not love him. I did love him, but that love is gone after the terror my son went through. I couldn't call myself a mother if I was okay with what happened to him. I'm just lucky he won't remember it. If there's one thing I'm grateful for it's that. I don't want him to have memories that are violent. I want him to be a happy little boy and I don't know if that's possible with this man around. Even without us seeing each other. Kids are like sponges so the best we can do as parents is to be fully present for them emotionally and physically ...and be protective of what enters their life ...while having an amazing time watching them grow and having fun with them. I went to lunch with my 14 yr old yesterday (this is his "second lunch" at 2:30 after school ...that happens at 14 lol) ...he had me laughing so hard I was crying. I write down things he says ...it's like he's a little kid again when I'd write down his funny little sayings. Just love 'em. TL ...I know it's hard to be alone now ... Without a mate ... But you're doing the right thing. Have you joined a moms play group? Those were life savers for me as my ex worked 14 hr days ...I was like a single parent. Does it get cold in the winter where you live? You can join the Y for swimming with baby classes if no outside activities when it's freezing. So many new things to do with kids ...it's a whole new world for you:) hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Telling her he would change is just a false hope I recommend reading this brave girl story it's so inspiring and realistic She is Indian, but she still got the right to keep the child away from the abusive father ( of course she fought so hard to do that) yet in America or whatever this country you live in is, they give the right to that abusive father to see his son... Why, I don't know! He is dangerous, a single hair cut won't change him.. he is lying, he will always be a crazy person. He'll wait until you let your guard down, then he'll attack.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Meeting two went well. He loves the baby which is nice to see. I did ask him if he's on something and he said it's something he was perscribed so he doesn't fly off the handle anymore. I wonder if that's why he's been pleasant the last two times I've seen him... He says that he doesn't particularly like it, but if it's what he needs in order to be a father he'll take it. Our baby is so happy and inquisitive and bright. He makes me so happy. I'm glad his father can see that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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