privategal Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thanks privategal. You do make good points. I will never be the same person I was before him. I will never be totally "over" it (note that I said "it" and not "him"). But I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was in previously. And I have felt like this for awhile. He hosts part of this event, which is why he is involved. We would be in the same place most of the time but ignoring him would be possible (to answer GoldieLox's question). It just seems like even if you were able to be emotionally stabile and indifferent, even so, wouldn't having to ignore one of 8 people (which doesn't make it a very large group) make things very awkward not only for you and him but for everyone in the group? I mean, we all get so little time to travel and relax, it seems like this would be tense having to be conscious every minute of his whereabouts so you can avoid etc etc. Wouldn't it just be better to find a new hobby or a new way of enjoying this particular hobby? Why couldn't you let a few more years pass before going back if it HAS to be this group? I still hate the idea but support you Hope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Go ahead and ask work for the time off. You can always change your mind later and not go. And who knows - maybe xMM will decide not to go, especially if he gets the "chills" from the other guys who are protective of you? You make it sound like women are they weaker sex. Since when did women need men to protect them? :rolleyes: Edited March 31, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I say go with no regrets. You got this..and I think you know you are strong enough to confront this aspect. I think this was put in your path for you to see just how far you've come through all of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think I remember that he treated you very badly and shabbily. Is there a BW still in his life? If so it's likely he treated her pretty badly as well, and again, if so (I can't remember), you had a role in that bad treatment of her too. If there's no BW then I'd say go for it if you think you can handle it. If there's a BW that you consider got bad treatment from you both (as I said I can't remember the circumstances) then I'd like to see you consider the effect on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm not sure the BW should have anything to do with her decision when it comes to this. It's not like she's going there in hopes to interact with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Your friends know you better than we do and if they think they can 'protect' you should anything go upside down than you should go- if nothing else it will help you gauge where you are in your recovery and my belief is you are smart enough to know you are ready to try- so go- and have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Am I the only one that thinks this could open up a can of worms? Sorry, i just think being in such a small group with xMM will lead to a lot of pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Your friends know you better than we do and if they think they can 'protect' you should anything go upside down than you should go- if nothing else it will help you gauge where you are in your recovery and my belief is you are smart enough to know you are ready to try- so go- and have fun! It just seems off to be going someplace where my friends are going to protect me. I'd figure if I need protection, emotionally or physically, then I probably shouldn't go. Hope, I noticed you posted a thread stating that the MM actually left his wife some months ago. Does that have anything to do with your decision to attend this event this year after declining to go for several years? If the MM is seriously separated would you entertain the idea of a relationship with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Definitely go! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 i say - go. it's YOUR hobby and something you enjoy doing. i hope everything goes well, i hope you'll have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Sorry, I don't think you are strong enough to go. If you truly were, you wouldn't turn to others for validation. Once you authentically get to the point of believing that you can take care of yourself, you'll be ready. Thinking your friends will be a buffer is unhealthy and codependent, in my opinion (I'm guilty of this type of thinking myself). I'd hate to see this set you back. Also, might not a part of you want to be searching out a high drama, high stakes situation. I think this is also a part of recovery, this jonsing for a relapse. Good luck, whatever you do! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 "Turning to others for validation?" I think I may not have been clear in some of my posts. I don't need "protection" - I'm a very independent person and I'm not trying to hide behind anyone. I wanted to make it clear that my friends knew about the situation and they always have my back - and I have theirs - which is what friends are for. Also, I don't need to be protected by a man. However, I'm also not going to stand up and sing "I am woman, hear me roar." They happen to be men. It's not a bad thing to have friends of the big and strong type sometimes. I should mention that although the group is relatively small, it's an individual activity so most of the time there will not be socialization. I actually had forgotten until now that ex-MM is supposed to be separated. He may still be - I have no idea. Remember, he was separated when I met him and we dated 'legitimately' for a long time before he went back to her. If he is still 'separated' that means exactly nothing. Besides which, just the thought of going back into a relationship with that much chaos and drama makes me sick. He was the most jealous person in the world. I don't need his false accusations on a daily basis and to spend the rest of my life 'proving' that I am a good and loyal person. He is the one with major self-esteem issues. Anyone I end up will not be the excessively jealous type because these people have very low self-esteem. There's no fixing that and I'll never try to do that again for anyone. Thank you for all the comments! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You could use my little tricks to shut down any interaction he may attempt. I use these on my abusive exH to end any conversation with the effects of a few words! When he starts a conversation offering his opinion - I respond with = I didn't ask for your opinion. Others that help: Yes No Maybe I'll get back to you on that Thanks for telling me Move away before I hurt you You can leave now I didn't invite you to speak with me I can pretend you're not here The list goes on and on. If you have a stash of responses ready - you won't hesitate to use them to keep him at a distance. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 You could use my little tricks to shut down any interaction he may attempt. I use these on my abusive exH to end any conversation with the effects of a few words! When he starts a conversation offering his opinion - I respond with = I didn't ask for your opinion. Others that help: Yes No Maybe I'll get back to you on that Thanks for telling me Move away before I hurt you You can leave now I didn't invite you to speak with me I can pretend you're not here The list goes on and on. If you have a stash of responses ready - you won't hesitate to use them to keep him at a distance. I like 'move away before I hurt you'. I've used a version of that on my ex-husband occasionally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Am I the only one that thinks this could open up a can of worms? Sorry, i just think being in such a small group with xMM will lead to a lot of pain. The only thing I can think of is if he takes up with another woman in front of her (that might be hard for the OP to handle emotionally?). Or if it would be at all difficult to avoid being alone with him, without others being around as well (she should always be able to get away from him at will). I think the OP is right to think it through first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I can pretend you're not here. my absolute favourite. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I don't know Hope. I'd rather guard my heart and postpone a loved hobby until indifference is in full force. Perhaps visualize a few scenarios if you did go; if xMM came to you on bended knee and proclaimed his undying love and offered to ride off with you in the sunset - could you turn on your heel and walk away feeling nothing? Or as another poster suggested, if he brought a date (or even his W)? Would you be ok? Your friends will certainly protect you in physical sense, but will be helpless with your heart. Your cyber friends on LS just want what's best for YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hope, He took so much away from you. It's time for you to start reclaiming what's yours. Go. Be happy (living well is the best revenge) and be proud! Hopefully, he'll have the good sense to bag out if you're going - its time for him to sacrifice a little. But if he goes, ignore him. It's your life. You, of all people on these boards, deserve to reclaim every single stinkin' bit of happiness that you can get. Be you. PS - I also like the "I can ignore you." My trick? Is simply, "Don't start." And then I walk away. Every single time the person tries to re-engage me, I walk away. You can't argue/engage someone who isn't willing to do so. You will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 side note and slightly off topic... I can't stop trying to guess what this hobby could be .. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 With relationships once a person is truly done they are done. Hope if you are truly done and realize how far you have come out of this hell whole then nothing he could do would pull you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 The only thing I can think of is if he takes up with another woman in front of her (that might be hard for the OP to handle emotionally?). Honestly I don't care who he brings. I might feel sorry for her though. I'm sure he still thinks he's God's gift to women. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Am I the only one that thinks this could open up a can of worms? Sorry, i just think being in such a small group with xMM will lead to a lot of pain. I tried to say this. My gut tells me its an awful idea. I wouldn't be within 20,000 yards of anything to do with an activity where he would be ever under any circumstances. Its such a huge world, why not be on a carribean beach somewhere thousands of miles away and not forced to spend a week guarded cause you miss a hobby. Please think this through more. People aren't wrong for initial thoughts you should go....does seem unfair for all you lost but your health, emotional well being, guarding your peace and keeping your distance looks classier (not that going is unclassy but being moved on and uninvolved shows your commitment to YOU and being moved on). He knows you know he will be there. So you going is a gray area. Even if its not to see him, men know when a woman is trying to prove a point like "Im ok and I will cold shoulder you to death to prove it" He left you holding that baby alone Hope. Do you wanna vacation that involves him in this kifetime over a hobby you miss? Dont go. Please. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 i really think going will be good for you. it's something you love doing, like... you can't be stuck in your house forever trying to avoid him, LOL. you seem indifferent enough - so i don't think it's dangerous. and even if there is just a tiny bit of emotions deep down? seeing him might just erase that. it's like facing the reality and maybe meeting him will help you realize how much better off without him you are. sometimes hiding & avoiding can be a very bad idea. being around someone, not running away from them... just seeing them might help you "learn" how to protect yourself even when he is around, even when you can't avoid him. at least you'll know what you really feel once you see him and you'll know what to do from there. good luck, Hope. you've been through a lot and i hope you'll enjoy doing something you love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I tried to say this. My gut tells me its an awful idea. I wouldn't be within 20,000 yards of anything to do with an activity where he would be ever under any circumstances. Its such a huge world, why not be on a carribean beach somewhere thousands of miles away and not forced to spend a week guarded cause you miss a hobby. Please think this through more. People aren't wrong for initial thoughts you should go....does seem unfair for all you lost but your health, emotional well being, guarding your peace and keeping your distance looks classier (not that going is unclassy but being moved on and uninvolved shows your commitment to YOU and being moved on). He knows you know he will be there. So you going is a gray area. Even if its not to see him, men know when a woman is trying to prove a point like "Im ok and I will cold shoulder you to death to prove it" He left you holding that baby alone Hope. Do you wanna vacation that involves him in this kifetime over a hobby you miss? Dont go. Please. It isn't just about a hobby. It's about a get-together that I have looked forward to for many years, and with some of my closest friends. I do understand what you are saying. What he did was horrible. I can't say I forgive it (I don't think something like that is forgivable) but I've made peace with it. I see it as due to his issues that I had no control over, so I have let go of it. I won't say it won't bring back some memories to see him. But they aren't good memories, and I don't want him or anything to do with him - and I don't care what he thinks, honestly. I just want to start living my life again. The way it has been the past few years, I'm sure it's clear to him that he has enough 'control' over me (which was always his thing) to cause me to avoid going to an event that he knows I loved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm a bit surprised he's taking a vacation when he still owes you a large amount of money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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