Is my boyfriend overly-sensitive, or am I insensitive?

[katiegrl]

Thank you for all the responses everyone.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised by a single mom, and his father abandoned him at a young age.

 

 

Well he called me last night asking why he was being 'ignored.' I said I wasn't ignoring him, but was feeling mentally upset, and I knew contacting him would only cause another fight - making things worse. He said my logic was stupid because without talking to him matters would become worse as we would not be able to 'fix' anything if I was ignoring him. He went on to say I have no right to feel upset, and if anyone should be upset it's HIM because it was his 'special day'. I told him I was merely upset because I had a lot planned for his birthday and the ONE day I didn't want us to fight over something stupid - we fought again. I told him straight up that I was mentally sick of all our fighting, and am not interested in that - if he wants to move forward WITHOUT fighting, we can do that, otherwise I have no energy. He then starts saying things like "if I want to act tough, then he can play that game as well, and he'll destroy me in that game." (whatever that means) Alas, we continued to fight all night long until I told him he was crazy, and he told me I was the craziest person he ever met, and I hung up the phone.

 

Oh good lord, what more do you need? This man is a needy, narcissistic psycho!!!

 

Dump him NOW! Tell him it's over, then block, delete.

 

Please do this...he's sick!

[Zehra]

Reading only your side of the story, we can't help but feel for you and think that the man is question is a total douche. So allow me to play Devil's advocate and take the side of the said douche just for the sake of discussion.

 

If you had to be reminded to give him a simple kiss, on his birthday, then you probably are on the unaffectionate side. Now, if he became upset because you refused to do something kinky for him that you're comfortable with, then I'd have more sympathy for you. Sure, you have a different way of expressing your love. That doesn't make his claims invalid. Maybe you don't really love this guy. Otherwise, you'd show him love in a way that resonates with his idea of it.

 

You said "[we] are very sensitive..." and "We always end up getting moody/upset at each other for the slightest things." The collective "we" to me suggests that you admit some responsibility for the state of your relationship. You've told us what he's like. Let's hear about you.

 

In regards to not being affectionate on his birthday, we spent the ENTIRE day before his birthday opening gifts, eating cake, cuddling, and making love. I dedicated an ENTIRE day to make him feel loved because I KNEW that the dinner would not suffice in making him feel loved. I gave him a big hug as soon as I saw him, and probably gave him a kiss 15-20 mins into us meeting. Agreed it was my fault for not giving him a kiss RIGHT away... and as soon as he brought this to my attention, I made the intent to start being more lovey dovey right away BUT then the picture thing happened - and I just didn't feel the same way after that.

 

 

I do take full responsibility over my moodiness and getting upset as well. But we both get upset at VERY different things. I get upset/moody if I recall the time when he ignored me for about 2 weeks, and spent that time hanging out with his ex. I got moody when I noticed him hiding his facebook messages, I got moody when he lied to me about him hanging out with his ex. All those things have been dealt and done with, but if I'm moody, that IS what I'm moody about. When he's moody? It's because I didn't put a heart at the end of the text, or I didn't respond to a tweet, or I didn't give him an 'energetic' hug, or I sounded tired on the phone, etc etc.

[Diezel]

Yes, he does show me a lot of love. I won't take the credit away from him for that. He's the most affectionate/loving guy I've ever met (perhaps because he's in touch with his feminine side?) but he's constantly telling me how I fail to make him feel loved in return

 

His level of loving is selfish. He is being that affectionate and loving only because he expects the same in return.

 

It's not unconditional love, it's forced love.

 

Go read the first few pages of No More Mr Nice Guy, that's him.

[katiegrl]

Zebra...he sounds horrible. Ignores you for weeks, then gets upset because you didn't put a heart at the end of a text or tweet? Really????

 

You must know that all this is about manipulation and control, don't you??

 

What do you see in him? What are you getting from this? A good healthy relationship should enhance our lives... not exhaust us and cause this much anxiety, moodiness and unhappiness.

 

This has nothing to do with him being too sensitive. He is a weak, whiny, needy, narcissistic, manipulating, controlling asshat. Period!

 

You need to end this...now. Your emotional and mental being is at stake here.

[Zehra]

Zebra...he sounds horrible. Ignores you for weeks, then gets upset because you didn't put a heart at the end of a text or tweet? Really????

 

You must know that all this is about manipulation and control, don't you??

 

What do you see in him? What are you getting from this? A good healthy relationship should enhance our lives... not exhaust us and cause this much anxiety, moodiness and unhappiness.

 

This has nothing to do with him being too sensitive. He is a weak, whiny, needy, narcissistic, manipulating, controlling asshat. Period!

 

You need to end this...now. Your emotional and mental being is at stake here.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to side with his case here or trying to defend him or anything of that sort.

 

 

What I do want to get across, however, is that based on ALL the responses on this thread - the way all the posters are defining HIM, is exactly how HE defines me. He thinks I'm the controlling, narcissistic, and sensitive "cry baby" and how I need to grow up and mature. And not resort to ignoring him when I'm upset, and how he makes the initiative to call me even when HE should be upset etc etc.

 

 

I'm just confused because I don't know whether I'm truly the monster or him.

[Zehra]

Again, break up with him.

 

You are his girlfriend, not his arch-nemesis. Who actually says, "I'll destroy you in that game"?

 

I don't know.

 

 

But he thinks I'm the one always playing the 'victim'

 

 

I once spoke to him about how I often felt victimized in certain situations because of my history of being sexually abused, and now whenever we have a fight he tells me to stop playing the 'victim card.'

 

 

I would also like to mention that my inability to be as affectionate and open has a lot to do with my past which he DOES know about but feels like that's my problem and I need to get over that stuff... So perhaps, I am more of the problem than he is.

[Redhead14]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and I’m mentally exhausted. My boyfriend and I are very sensitive people and tend to blow the smallest of things out of proportion. Recently, my boyfriend has been complaining that “I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I’m not expressive/affectionate as I should be, this relationship is merely a convenience to me etc etc.” I agree, I am not expressive or affectionate as HE is, but that’s not because I don’t love him, but I have different ways of expressing my love.

 

 

 

So, it was my boyfriend’s birthday last week and we split it up into two days. The day before his birthday we hung out, he opened all the gifts I got for him, cut the cake I got for him, were lovey dovey, and overall had a great time. (I had been planning his birthday for several months, and had been extremely excited about it) Day two – the actual day of his birthday I took him out to dinner at a super romantic and expensive restaurant, but my boyfriend seemed to be out of it. He kept saying that he didn’t feel like it was his birthday today, he had a lot more fun the day before, etc etc. I couldn’t understand why, and then he told me that I hadn’t kissed him as soon as I saw him – I told him I was sorry, but he still didn’t seem to be enjoying the dinner. Then we asked someone to take a picture of us together – but it was in such a hurry, and I was so awkwardly positioned that I didn’t have enough time to wrap my arm around his waist – I immediately apologized to him for this, but he seemed to get even more upset over my ‘inability to take a proper picture on his birthday, making him feel further unloved’. We left the restaurant, and decided to go to a café – but he still seemed to not be in the mood, and – but as usual could not make him feel ‘loved.’ We both went home extremely upset, and unhappy, and I have not contacted him since.

 

 

I’m so sick of constantly being told that I don’t love him as much, or that my actions don’t signify anything. I can’t even tell whether he’s the sensitive one or whether I’m the insensitive one, anymore? We always end up getting moody/upset at each other for the slightest things and it ruins everything. I barely even have friends, so the time I spend with him being out is the only ‘for fun’ activities I do. I feel so consumed and depressed and don’t know what to do.

 

There is something else up here. There may be something that is stressing him . . . is he having difficulty at work or with his family? He may simply be depressed at the moment and needing more support.

 

In addition, he has communicated to you that there is something he needs from you. Why wouldn't you want to at least try to be more affectionate? If it were the other way around, how would you feel if you'd let thim know that there was something you needed from him and he didn't make an effort to make it better? He's been specific about what he needs. It doesn't make him a baby. Perhaps there is something else that is causing him stress -- his job, a family problem, etc. He doesn't want dinners, gifts, etc. He wants more physical contact. If you can't or don't want to do that for him, there's something going on in the relationship that is bigger than this.

 

I just broke down crying because I had such high hopes for his birthday and dinner.

 

You were doing this for yourself -- it's what YOU wanted to do for him not what he wants.

I’m so sick of constantly being told that I don’t love him as much,

 

If you're sick of the above, do something about it. Try to give him more of what he wants . . . Talk to him in a non-confrontational, supportive way about what it is he needs. Ask him if there is anything else troubling him that needs to be addressed and that you will support him and want to work together to to resolve whatever it is.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Redhead14

[kayla73]

You obviously feel very upset about this whole thing, so you are a sensitive person.

 

Everyone expresses how they feel in different ways.

 

You have been with this guy for 2 years. At this point, he needs to stop acting like a child. He sounds very bitter.

 

It may be hard to hear this, but I think you guys should have a real talk. Tell him everything you just said here. You are feeling consumed by his ridiculousness. You do everything you can for him and he acts out over a silly birthday picture. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

[katiegrl]

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to side with his case here or trying to defend him or anything of that sort.

 

 

What I do want to get across, however, is that based on ALL the responses on this thread - the way all the posters are defining HIM, is exactly how HE defines me. He thinks I'm the controlling, narcissistic, and sensitive "cry baby" and how I need to grow up and mature. And not resort to ignoring him when I'm upset, and how he makes the initiative to call me even when HE should be upset etc etc.

 

 

I'm just confused because I don't know whether I'm truly the monster or him.

 

What he is doing (blaming you).. is otherwise known as "flipping the script,".... so HE doesn't have to take responsibility for his emotionally abusive, dysfunctional behavior -- it's all YOUR fault!

 

Again, manipulation and controlling tactics.

 

Please read up on warning signs of emotional abuse. His behavior is classic case!

 

And Redhead maybe you had not read the entire thread before you posted...because what you advised is the LAST thing she should do...or better yet NEVER do.

 

There is NO reasoning with someone like him...because it's all about manipulation and control. Nothing will ever be good enough.. and he won't hesitate letting her know that too.

 

Whether it's withdrawing (i.e. disappearing for weeks which he does) or making her feel like utter crap for not inserting a heart at the end of a tweet...it's all about control. Good God.

[kendahke]

Thank you for all the responses everyone.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised by a single mom, and his father abandoned him at a young age.

 

 

Well he called me last night asking why he was being 'ignored.' I said I wasn't ignoring him, but was feeling mentally upset, and I knew contacting him would only cause another fight - making things worse. He said my logic was stupid because without talking to him matters would become worse as we would not be able to 'fix' anything if I was ignoring him. He went on to say I have no right to feel upset, and if anyone should be upset it's HIM because it was his 'special day'. I told him I was merely upset because I had a lot planned for his birthday and the ONE day I didn't want us to fight over something stupid - we fought again. I told him straight up that I was mentally sick of all our fighting, and am not interested in that - if he wants to move forward WITHOUT fighting, we can do that, otherwise I have no energy. He then starts saying things like "if I want to act tough, then he can play that game as well, and he'll destroy me in that game." (whatever that means) Alas, we continued to fight all night long until I told him he was crazy, and he told me I was the craziest person he ever met, and I hung up the phone.

 

AND he's emotionally abusive.

 

Break up with him. You're not the one with the problem: he is.

 

None of this is about "rights" and no matter how he slices it, he's an ingrate. You went out of your way to make 2 days out of his one "special" day and he can't summon the requisite appreciation for it. Eff him and the tricycle he rode in on. Trust me, he's the one who is going to be "destroyed" over that, not you.

[Gaeta]

I don't know.

 

 

But he thinks I'm the one always playing the 'victim'

 

 

I once spoke to him about how I often felt victimized in certain situations because of my history of being sexually abused, and now whenever we have a fight he tells me to stop playing the 'victim card.'

 

 

I would also like to mention that my inability to be as affectionate and open has a lot to do with my past which he DOES know about but feels like that's my problem and I need to get over that stuff... So perhaps, I am more of the problem than he is.

 

Don't you see you are completely incompatible? He is an emotional wreck, he is weak and childish. He is sucking the life out of you, he is needy, cligny, in other words he is an emotional parasite. Only capable to take.

 

On the other hand you are the way you are because of your personal circumstances. You need a strong man, a man that is secure in who he is and emotionally stable. A man capable to give himself in a relationship not a child always pulling on your apron.

[kendahke]

Yes, he does show me a lot of love. I won't take the credit away from him for that. He's the most affectionate/loving guy I've ever met (perhaps because he's in touch with his feminine side?) but he's constantly telling me how I fail to make him feel loved in return, how I'll never be at HIS level of loving, how my actions don't signify anything...And I just don't know what to do in that regard. I mean, I think if I got a chance to breathe, not fight, not cry myself to sleep every night, I'd PROBABLY be more focused towards loving him.

 

Who wants to love someone like that, though? I wouldn't. I do not think he has a leg to stand on here. AT. ALL.

 

If what you do is not good enough, then why is he wasting his precious time? Because he needs someone who will let him lord over her in order for him to feel better about himself and who he is. A guy like that doesn't deserve "love on his level". He deserves to be dropped off at the mall and you keep going.

[fitnessfan365]

Thank you for all the responses everyone.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised by a single mom, and his father abandoned him at a young age.

 

.

 

It's funny because I actually commented on this type of situation in a post I made a little while ago on why "nice guys" exist. When a guy is raised by a single mom with no male role mode, he doesn't learn how to properly be a man. The power dynamic he becomes used to is a dominant female force and subjugating. This in turn creates an overly emotional and entirely too sensitive guy.

[Redhead14]

What he is doing (blaming you).. is otherwise known as "flipping the script,".... so HE doesn't have to take responsibility for his emotionally abusive, dysfunctional behavior -- it's all YOUR fault!

 

Again, manipulation and controlling tactics.

 

Please read up on warning signs of emotional abuse. His behavior is classic case!

 

And Redhead maybe you had not read the entire thread before you posted...because what you advised is the LAST thing she should do...or better yet NEVER do.

 

There is NO reasoning with someone like him...because it's all about manipulation and control. Nothing will ever be good enough.. and he won't hesitate letting her know that too.

 

Whether it's withdrawing (i.e. disappearing for weeks which he does) or making her feel like utter crap for not inserting a heart at the end of a tweet...it's all about control. Good God.

 

As I said in the beginnng of my first post, there is something else going on here besides the birthday things. But, there is nothing in the original post or subsequent posts that indicate he is being manipulative or controlling. He has stated a need, isn't having it met, and is becoming frustrated with the situation. He withdraws because he's unhappy. And so does she.

 

She is unresponsive to his needs and she is the one who gets depressed?

 

 

He thinks I'm the controlling, narcissistic, and sensitive "cry baby" and how I need to grow up and mature. And not resort to ignoring him when I'm upset, and how he makes the initiative to call me even when HE should be upset etc etc.

 

 

She ignores him as well when she's upset . . . and complains when he ignores her?

 

 

my boyfriend has been complaining that “I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I’m not expressive/affectionate as I should be, this relationship is merely a convenience to me etc etc.” I agree, I am not expressive or affectionate as HE is, but that’s not because I don’t love him, but I have different ways of expressing my love.

 

 

But he thinks I'm the one always playing the 'victim' She is playing the victim . . . he has expressed a need and she's depressed?

 

I once spoke to him about how I often felt victimized in certain situations because of my history of being sexually abused, and now whenever we have a fight he tells me to stop playing the 'victim card.'

 

 

You are not a VICTIM anymore, you are a SURVIVOR of past abuse. That is a sign of strength. Don't let the past control you now.

 

I could tell you exactly what's going on here and the last paragraph of my post here is the root of it. If these two are going to make this work, that needs to be addressed on a professional level.

[kendahke]

It's funny because I actually commented on this type of situation in a post I made a little while ago on why "nice guys" exist. When a guy is raised by a single mom with no male role mode, he doesn't learn how to properly be a man. The power dynamic he becomes used to is a dominant female force and subjugating. This in turn creates an overly emotional and entirely too sensitive guy.

 

I know plenty of men who have been raised by single mothers (some were widows) and they do not act like what you described.

[kendahke]

I don't think this relationship is worth working on.

 

You two are at an impasse with one another, your incompatibilities are that profound.

 

You'd be better off cutting your losses and leaving him alone. He's really not worth the effort--no one who tells you he "will destroy you" is worth further effort. That is a threat.

Edited March 31, 2015 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

It's funny because I actually commented on this type of situation in a post I made a little while ago on why "nice guys" exist. When a guy is raised by a single mom with no male role mode, he doesn't learn how to properly be a man. The power dynamic he becomes used to is a dominant female force and subjugating. This in turn creates an overly emotional and entirely too sensitive guy.

 

What is the percentage of men raised with no fathers? Something like 50%. I dated plenty of men their father were absent and they became well balanced and grounded males. Even your president was raised by a single mother should I remind you.

[JohnsonBaby]

I don't know.

 

 

But he thinks I'm the one always playing the 'victim'

 

 

I once spoke to him about how I often felt victimized in certain situations because of my history of being sexually abused, and now whenever we have a fight he tells me to stop playing the 'victim card.'

 

 

I would also like to mention that my inability to be as affectionate and open has a lot to do with my past which he DOES know about but feels like that's my problem and I need to get over that stuff... So perhaps, I am more of the problem than he is.

 

So basically instead of listening to what you have to say he uses your past as an excuse to justify his emotional abuse and manipulation .Great what a sensitive and caring man ...

[preraph]

To me he sounds like he's been watching too much "Leave It To Beaver." I don't like the sound of him, to be honest. He sounds like he doesn't even KNOW you and just likes how you look and is determined to make you fit into the script he has in his head of the "ideal woman." He doesn't love you for who you are and is just crowding and crowding you to become this ideal that will never exist, i.e., June Cleaver.

 

Out of curiosity, did he seem to fall in love with you really soon? Because guys in love with the image in their head can fall in love immediately. I mean, he knew you weren't that demonstrative from the beginning, right? So now he's being controlling and thinks there's something wrong with you because you're not his imaginary ideal woman.

[Zehra]

As I said in the beginnng of my first post, there is something else going on here besides the birthday things. But, there is nothing in the original post or subsequent posts that indicate he is being manipulative or controlling. He has stated a need, isn't having it met, and is becoming frustrated with the situation. He withdraws because he's unhappy. And so does she.

 

She is unresponsive to his needs and she is the one who gets depressed?

 

 

He thinks I'm the controlling, narcissistic, and sensitive "cry baby" and how I need to grow up and mature. And not resort to ignoring him when I'm upset, and how he makes the initiative to call me even when HE should be upset etc etc.

 

 

She ignores him as well when she's upset . . . and complains when he ignores her?

 

 

my boyfriend has been complaining that “I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I’m not expressive/affectionate as I should be, this relationship is merely a convenience to me etc etc.” I agree, I am not expressive or affectionate as HE is, but that’s not because I don’t love him, but I have different ways of expressing my love.

 

 

But he thinks I'm the one always playing the 'victim' She is playing the victim . . . he has expressed a need and she's depressed?

 

I once spoke to him about how I often felt victimized in certain situations because of my history of being sexually abused, and now whenever we have a fight he tells me to stop playing the 'victim card.'

 

 

You are not a VICTIM anymore, you are a SURVIVOR of past abuse. That is a sign of strength. Don't let the past control you now.

 

I could tell you exactly what's going on here and the last paragraph of my post here is the root of it. If these two are going to make this work, that needs to be addressed on a professional level.

 

^The above is exactly everything my boyfriend says to me as well, which makes me question my own sanity sometimes, leaving me puzzled as to who exactly is the problem.

 

 

I am not saying I am perfect. I acknowledge my short-comings as well, and I do try to work on my behavior. I get depressed WHEN despite trying or making efforts to fix things, I still continue to fail. Makes me question whether I'm the failure, or whether his expectations are really high.

[katiegrl]

So basically instead of listening to what you have to say he uses your past as an excuse to justify his emotional abuse and manipulation .Great what a sensitive and caring man ...

 

I am heartened to see that so many posters are recognizing his behavior as manipulation, emotional abuse and control. Because it IS.

 

Zebra, there is nothing wrong with you, other than your propensity to get involved with abusive men.

 

You have a history of being sexually abused, and now you are with yet another man who abuses you -- emotional and mental abuse. It's a viscious cycle.

 

Are you in therapy? If not, I implore you to look into it.

 

In the meantime, read everything you can on emotional abuse. It's NOT you who is abusive sweetie, and DO NOT allow him to convince you otherwise!

 

He is! Big time! Even his so-called "loving" behavior is a form of abuse since he feels perfectly justified withholding it whenever he so chooses...over the most ridiculous things such as not inserting a heart at the end of a tweet! Are you kidding me?!

 

Can you not see how utterly ludicrous that is???

[Zehra]

To me he sounds like he's been watching too much "Leave It To Beaver." I don't like the sound of him, to be honest. He sounds like he doesn't even KNOW you and just likes how you look and is determined to make you fit into the script he has in his head of the "ideal woman." He doesn't love you for who you are and is just crowding and crowding you to become this ideal that will never exist, i.e., June Cleaver.

 

Out of curiosity, did he seem to fall in love with you really soon? Because guys in love with the image in their head can fall in love immediately. I mean, he knew you weren't that demonstrative from the beginning, right? So now he's being controlling and thinks there's something wrong with you because you're not his imaginary ideal woman.

 

Yes, he said I love you within 2 months of our relationship. I never said it back because it was too early, and I think from then on he started feeling that my love for him was flawed.

 

 

Undoubtedly so, in the beginning of this relationship I was the crazy, affectionate one chasing him around and if anything I felt completely unloved and unwanted. But my affection started to decrease as his behavior started to put me off (issues with him and his ex). He then made attempts to redeem himself by giving me loads of love and attention, but by then I had already burned out. I have always been unexpressive, so the way I poured out my heart to him in the beginning of the relationship was very unlike me - I was also surprised at how much I was falling in love. But that was short-lived as his behavior put me off, and since then he's been 'chasing' me to love him back as much as he started to love me ever since he 'redeemed' himself.

[Buddhist]

Makes me question whether I'm the failure, or whether his expectations are really high.

 

I learned something useful in life, maybe it will be useful for you too. When confusion reigns it's because you're denying what you really feel. This isn't working for you because it's leaving you a muddled mess. No good situation ever does that.

[serial muse]

^The above is exactly everything my boyfriend says to me as well, which makes me question my own sanity sometimes, leaving me puzzled as to who exactly is the problem.

 

 

I am not saying I am perfect. I acknowledge my short-comings as well, and I do try to work on my behavior. I get depressed WHEN despite trying or making efforts to fix things, I still continue to fail. Makes me question whether I'm the failure, or whether his expectations are really high.

 

Well, I'd say his expectations are too high. He basically expects you to be a mind-reader and to not have emotional needs of your own. And he's setting the terms: one must say "I love you" early on or you're not invested enough; one must convey love in a specific way or you're not being loving; ad nauseum. That's manipulative and it's utter bullshxt.

 

Sure, he may have specific needs that he wants you to meet, and of course it's important to pay attention to those and try to accommodate them. But I'll tell you, OP - I'll just bet you have already been doing that. And he knows it, too. But it's working for him to continue to tell you why you're not doing enough, so it's for damn sure he's not going to suddenly acknowledge your efforts. You gave him two damn birthday celebrations and you planned them for months. In response, he still found a way to belittle you and complain - that the one the day before his birthday was somehow "better" than the celebration on his actual bday? WTF? He's completely full of shxt.

 

I think you've fallen a bit into the trap of "my BF is telling me it's all my fault; my instincts tell me it isn't, but I have to "be fair" and say that we're both to blame, etc." Well, it may be that when you first started dating, you had things to work on -- and so did he. But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that in the ensuing two years, you've bent over backwards to understand those needs, and even if you don't meet them perfectly every time (because you are a human being), you're clearly trying.

 

Is he, though? Sure, he's loving and attentive, according to his own predetermined standards. But how's he doing on the "understanding Zehra" front? How's he doing on accommodating your emotional needs, such as being appreciated for the efforts you've made? Has he adjusted his demands on you in all that time, to recognize that you're feeling awful and small?

 

Doesn't sound like it.

 

I think you need to get out while your emotional state is still strong enough to warn you to do so.

[BlueIris]

It sounds as though you’re done with him. I hope so.

 

Yep, he’s a manipulative, controlling emotional abuser. I second what others have said confirming that. You’re going to have to get away from him completely.

 

Only if you can’t break it off completely yet:

 

~~ Stop taking the bait and watch and listen without reacting. Stop arguing, disputing, correcting, defending, countering, justifying, or doing anything at all that accepts or perpetuates conflict. Just listen and respond with: “I’ll think about that.” Be polite but don’t consent to and continue the battle dynamic. There is no requirement that you must respond or engage. You have the right to take time and space to think things through. The more you just listen to him talking and don’t engage in it, the more you’ll start seeing and hearing him much better and you’ll start feeling some autonomy and perspective.

 

~~ Start yoga classes, spinning classes-- some regular, scheduled activities to cut down your time together so you can breathe and aren’t so emotionally enmeshed with him and in this battle. It’ll give you perspective and peace.

 

And this isn’t about not meeting his NEEDS. It is not a NEED to require that you kiss exactly a certain way, that you put a heart on a text, that you do his birthday exactly in a certain way, and to make threats. Anyone who blows a gasket if you don’t jump when they want you to is going to be a nightmare forever.

 

If you can't end it finally and decisively right now, think and plan distance and exit. Google "cycle of abuse." They use the honeymoon/ courting/ super-lovey part to sucker you back in. Expect it to come. Expect apologies and confessions to try to hook you back- but they will evaporate. You’ve probably seen it before. Read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He DO That?” and Patricia Evans’s “Controlling People.”