Babs22 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 As usual, you've gotten great advice from posters who've been there and done that on both sides of the fence. I would just suggest you also consider the age difference, regardless of the A factor. You said he's been married more than 20 years. I assume this guy is at least in his early to mid 40s. You are 21!! If you ask yourself honestly would you have even considered dating someone over 40 in the past? I'm in my mid-40s so far be in from me to call him old but another 10 years, odds are the health problems begin. You've described yourself as a wild child. He probably won't want to be out partying every night. He'll be ready for bed when you're ready to go out. You're not likely to "get" too many of each other's pop culture references or understand one another's friends. He'll be ready to retire when you're hitting your professional peak. Just things to consider IF he actually leaves his wife. Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you. Date other guys until he's D. I have to agree with Sunburned, this age difference between the two of you is significant. My husband is only 8 and a half years older than me. Not noticeable in our 20s or 30s or 40s, But now I am 49 and he is 58 and it is noticeable. All the sudden in his 50s he got old looking. He is fit, runs everyday, still plays soccer, but his hair has thinned a lot and is nearly all gray. He has many wrinkles and just looks old. He frequently falls asleep in the middle of the day on the weekends and is in bed by 10pm. I look like I am in my early 40s. We don't look like we go together. Also, as far as medical conditions go, hitting 50 brings them on. A friend of mine was diagnosed at 48 with Prostate Cancer. That is rather young, but there are plenty of guys in their 50s who get that. Treatment effects erections, many suffer from erectile dysfunction. My husband at 57 was diagnosed with a 50% blockage in his heart and nearly needed bypass surgery. Currently being treated with medication, but surgery is not out of the questions and he is a runner. Are you thinking of ever having children? Please do not give your kids an elderly father. My parents were older when they had me. I was 20 when my dad died and 30 when I lost my mom. It sucked. I never wanted my kids to have that, but my husband was just 5 years younger than my dad was when he had me. Maybe you are not thinking of this as long term relationship. And maybe your OM is using your support to leave his wife and this will be a short term relationship for both of you. Regardless, when you are 38 and he is 58 you will notice a difference that is not there now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Be ready for the end of the to come and he hasn't told her. Notice how he kept you from going on the date? Notice how all of a sudden he wanted to separate when you needed to hear that in order not to go? Notice the sudden promises? Please take care of yourself - you could be left feeling very let down. Go read in the other sections - even when they leave they OFTEN go back. Even if he divorces the drama will be hard to bear... He may even blame you. Just go out with other men and stay open to available men. It could take him years to divorce. Edited March 30, 2015 by beach 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreprisal Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 MM came in to work to see me for a bit before they took the truck to his new place. Stomach is turning quite a bit. Seems as though this is really happening. As far as the age difference that everyone is concerned about. I dont know what to tell you, ive been with older men than him and the aging doesnt concern me. I think that age and beauty are awful vain reasons to be or not be with someone you care for. Im not signing on to marry him but I am signing on to see where we go despite his appearance or pending health issues. He is off to unload the truck now and the talk is in tminus 3.5 hours. Thanks again for kind words and positive vibes everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 So she is gladly handing him off to you? Did he actually tell her about you and affair or has he hidden that fact? Something feels slightly off here..Someone who has been married for more than 20 years doesn't just up and leave their life and be done with it within a couple of hours. And he got a place already? She's helping him move out too? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 OP, MM came in to work to see me for a bit before they took the truck to his new place. Who is "they"? This doesn't make a lot of sense to me..... Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 OP, Who is "they"? This doesn't make a lot of sense to me..... The movers? Maybe him and whoever is helping him move. Well at least there is movement. I am kind of surprised he packed up all of his stuff and moved it out before telling his wife he wants a divorce. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Will he be moving back in tonight? Will he keep a love fest while actively trying to make it work with his wife? Or is he a cheater that means what he says and puts actions to prove it? The glaring red flag is the date and the going to have sex with ex. Is this why he is making movement noises? I will stay tuned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 ?? You are 21, in a relationship with a MM who is in his 40's and now you say you have been in relationships with men older than him??? How old were you when you did that? I can understand a few years older, but 20+ years older is enough for them to be your father. Also, I'm not saying I am vain and that looks are all that matter, but they do play a role in attraction and are important. That is like telling a person who's spouse gained 100 pounds not to let it matter. I am sorry, it matters. You can still love them, but possibly not be as physically attracted. We should take care of ourselves to the best of our ability. I would bet money that your 40 something MM looks pretty awesome for his age, or you would not be with him now. Something has to initially draw us to people, and the first thing we notice is how someone looks. Growing old is something that happens to all of us. It cannot be helped. Other than trying to stay out of the sun and and not smoke, the wrinkles will happen to us all. I am just saying that at a certain age, people will look their age. My husband looked very young for his age for a very long time. Then, he looked his age. It will happen soon to me as well, it just hasn't happened yet. As for the health issues. I read one ladies story. She was in her 30s and married a man in his early 50s and he did get cancer and their sex life, which was very active, went to nothing. She had only been married a year or two when it happened. She was on a forum venting because now she feels robbed of her youth since her sex drive is still very strong. It doesn't mean she will leave him, it just means she feels cheated by fate and she is unhappy because of it. So I believe health matters as well. I wish you much luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreprisal Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 "They" are his friend and some guy they hired to help. This has been a long time coming. I think that knowing me has just helped him to understand what he wants for himself. Not even that its me necessarily, but he wants inner peace and happiness, intimacy and love that he doesnt have with her. T minus 2.5. So now im sure he is going to do it. I guess from thete we will see if he carries it out and doesnt return to her. I think it will depend on their talk at lunch and how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi OP, So MM already has a new place and is moving his stuff although he hasn't told his wife and plans to tell her during lunch? Look, I'm a bit older than you, but not that much and I will say that what you're saying sounds silly. Like let's pause and think about this: how doe she have a new place and is moving out even though he hasn't told his wife yet. Do you think a years long marriage will be dissolved over a lunch time conversation? You'll likely look back on this in the future and shake your head. Have you seen the moving truck or is he telling you this all through text/phone calls? I will reserve further judgment until you give us an update of what happens after lunch and in the following days. The MM boss having an affair with his employee who could be his child is an age old tale that also has a very predictable ending. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 So she is gladly handing him off to you? Did he actually tell her about you and affair or has he hidden that fact? Something feels slightly off here..Someone who has been married for more than 20 years doesn't just up and leave their life and be done with it within a couple of hours. And he got a place already? She's helping him move out too? I would be ready to run like the wind if I was seeing a MM and his W was gladly handing him over to me. A woman doesn't give up a good man that easy. This has disaster written all over it. I strongly suggest getting into therapy and work with a professional to help you make better life choices in the future. If you continue on this path your life will be full of drama and chaos. Believe me, how you are feeling at 21 will be considerably different than how you will feel at 40. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 "They" are his friend and some guy they hired to help. This has been a long time coming. I think that knowing me has just helped him to understand what he wants for himself. Not even that its me necessarily, but he wants inner peace and happiness, intimacy and love that he doesnt have with her. T minus 2.5. So now im sure he is going to do it. I guess from thete we will see if he carries it out and doesnt return to her. I think it will depend on their talk at lunch and how that goes. If a man divorces his wife and then at a later date falls in love again that is a whole other animal than a man who may/may not leave his wife and start dating his affair partner. I know you didn't want him to leave for you. I feel like you are trying to convince yourself that is not what he is doing. Be honest with yourself. You have to know the facts in order to deal with them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 OP, I would go with popsicle post #23 But generally speaking, yes, when MM leave their wives for the OW, it's done quickly. In the 3 instances I personally know of, where the MM left his wife for the AP, it was done within 2 months of meeting the AP. All the other situations I know of were all "smoke and mirrors", and the MM either never left for the AP or only left when his wife kicked him out. Please think this through otherwise I can see tears at bedtime.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 This is very strange. He just decided late last night to leave his wife and by this morning he already had a new place rented and movers arranged? How is that possible? I also consider it very cruel to simply move out while your partner is away and they have no knowledge that their spouse is leaving them. That is a horrendous way to split and it should only be done when the one moving out is actually afraid for their safety. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 anika, This is very strange. He just decided late last night to leave his wife and by this morning he already had a new place rented and movers arranged? How is that possible? Exactly. I smell a rat, and a two-legged one at that... Please be careful OP.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreprisal Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Thats understandable and makes good sense im not marrying him, so im not too concerned with the rest of his life and how he physically declines. at this exact moment i know i care for him deeply and just want to be there for him today and help him through this process. When i start considering my life with him, ill look into that. But I dont think much would change there either. He is bald. He has gray in his chest. He has wrinkles. He sure is handsome dont get me wrong. But his looks arent what got my attention. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 This is very strange. He just decided late last night to leave his wife and by this morning he already had a new place rented and movers arranged? How is that possible? He rented a new place, packed all of his stuff, hired movers, loaded the moving truck, and took it to his new place ... all before lunch. He is quick I will give him that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreprisal Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Also, hes staying with his friend until the dust settles and he knows whats going on. Not a new apt or place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreprisal Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 The movers are his friend and one other guy... hes not taking his furniture. Just basics and stuff he needs. One truck. A friend and some guy they found on craigslist. Im really not worried about it happening, just i guess seeing if he goes back. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 He rented a new place, packed all of his stuff, hired movers, loaded the moving truck, and took it to his new place ... all before lunch. He is quick I will give him that. Suppose it's possible but still very odd. Like what all is he loading into the truck? Doesn't he need to discuss with his wife what he should take and what he should leave? Something is really off about this. Are you sure he and his wife aren't moving into a new place together? I feel like someone in this story is not being completely honest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 OP, im not marrying him, so im not too concerned with the rest of his life and how he physically declines. at this exact moment i know i care for him deeply and just want to be there for him today and help him through this process. So you are helping him bust up his marriage because you are interested in the "now" ? When i start considering my life with him, ill look into that. Uh? So you haven't considered him as a long-term proposition ? I am speechless and looking for a "banging-head-on-wall" smily..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) He rented a new place, packed all of his stuff, hired movers, loaded the moving truck, and took it to his new place ... all before lunch. He is quick I will give him that. You just said he rented a place and hired movers. Now you say he didn't rent a place and he's just taking the basics. Huh? Are you pulling our leg? Edited March 30, 2015 by anika99 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You just said he rented a place and hired movers. Now you say he didn't rent a place and he's just taking the basics. Huh? Are you pulling our leg? No, she said his friend and another guy is helping him move, and he is moving in with his friend, "awkward" is not the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Suppose it's possible but still very odd. Like what all is he loading into the truck? Doesn't he need to discuss with his wife what he should take and what he should leave? Something is really off about this. Are you sure he and his wife aren't moving into a new place together? I feel like someone in this story is not being completely honest. Agreed, it's odd. Why would he need to hire help if he's not taking any furniture? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 No, she said his friend and another guy is helping him move, and he is moving in with his friend, "awkward" is not the OP. OP used the terms movers and moving truck first. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Not sure why one would need movers to move anything that is NOT his to legal move without the other owners (his wife) consent. If all you say is true.....this sounds like nothing more than a typical mid-life crisis. When the dust settles he will regret his lack of judgement. Being 21, and having dated men even older suggests issues that might lie very deep inside you. Most women your age understand that "catching" an older man is like shooting fish in a barrel.....and speaks to ones "fishing" abilities in the bigger ocean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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