What my psychiatrist said (Updated)

[gettingstronger]

It must be very confusing for you to have two different approaches to issues-

 

AA would never say, have a sip or a drink so you can have closure after being sober for a while yet your doctor is saying just that-

 

I would be wary of a doctor that says he thinks the MM loves you, I would not think a doctor would be able to make that determination based on just your side of the story-that just seems off to me-

[elaine567]

It must be very confusing for you to have two different approaches to issues-

 

AA would never say, have a sip or a drink so you can have closure after being sober for a while yet your doctor is saying just that-

 

I would be wary of a doctor that says he thinks the MM loves you, I would not think a doctor would be able to make that determination based on just your side of the story-that just seems off to me-

 

If we were to investigate the private life of this shrink, I don't think we would be very surprised at what we would find...

[Chasing_mya]

You don't owe MM anything, much less closure. Why should you worry about his feelings and that its wrong if you leave without telling him? The affair is over and its been 2 years. Why break contact to tell him that you're leaving?? Let me hear it from some place else, your only obligation is to yourself.

[beach]

I can't see one single reason to have any conversation with the MM.

 

 

Look forward Solo - get busy moving. Don't look back.

 

Stay strong and honor yourself.

[solostand]

You don't owe MM anything, much less closure. Why should you worry about his feelings and that its wrong if you leave without telling him? The affair is over and its been 2 years. Why break contact to tell him that you're leaving?? Let me hear it from some place else, your only obligation is to yourself.

 

The affair hasn't been over for two years. It lasted a little over two years. It ended Jan. 26, a little over two months ago.

[81West]

I don't think a meeting is necessary, but I think a short note with a formal goodbye reinforced from a place of more settled emotions and informing him of your upcoming move would be fine, but only if it feels right. If there is any chance of him being hurt, or any chance that it will linger like unfinished business for you, I think you should take the time to communicate something short and clear and kind with no expectations of him and every expectation that you will leave it at that. It doesn't have to set you back. You're doing it from a place of power. You've made great, courageous decisions and done real, concrete things to change your life. What province are you moving to? (Ignore that question if you want )

Edited April 1, 2015 by 81West

[cozycottagelg]

If he calls, can you say you already moved? Or would he see your car at your current residence?

[jellybean89]

Solo, don't answer his calls & if he shows up, do not answer the door.

[Friskyone4u]

Solo

 

Everyone else has told you what is best for you, and that is to DISAPPEAR and don't look back. When you move, at some point you will want a normal relationship with an eligible SINGLE man. If you do not totally end this, you will enter any new relationship talking to and cheating on your new boyfriend right from the beginning.

You are moving. What good can come of contact for YOU . None that i can thing of versus all the bad.

 

I am also amazed at this shrink. I think it was Elaine who said it would probably be interesting if you found about about his private life. He sounds like a true idiot and there are those in that profession. To tell you with you mental state to see this Om again makes no sense. Seems like he is concerned this MM might be hurt. That is bull ****.

[CrystalCastles]

Well the shrink was there through the whole affair and now that I think of it, he seemed very interested in hearing the details about it.

 

Actually to me it sounds like the shrink was enjoying listening to all the gory details of your affair. Maybe he wanted you to contact MM to stir the pot a little more, then come tell him the details. Maybe his life is boring so he wants a little fun by listening to other peoples juicy stories.

 

As others have said, contacting the MM wouldn't get you anywhere anyway since you're moving, so nothing would come of it. After 2 years of a very unhealthy relationship I think its time to move on, focus on yourself, look for SINGLE men who can devote all their attention to you and you only.

[solostand]

Come to think of it, I did spend an awful lot of time talking about the affair in my sessions. He asked lots of questions about it. But at the time I was absolutely consumed by it. But I was being treated for depression, not an affair.

 

I have to stay strong. One more week only then I'm outta here!

[Josmatjes]

My therapist told me to stay no contact and to block and delete.

 

Do not call him! Where did your psychiatrist get his license...a cracker jack box??

[solostand]

For some reason, I'm having a really bad day today. I'm moving away in one week for an awesome opportunity, but I can't stop thinking about MM. Even though our affair has been over since Jan. 26th, in the back of my mind I knew we were in the same province and there was always the possibility of running into each other. Now it seems so FINAL and for some reason it hurts really bad.

 

He's currently on his way home from his two month Florida vacation and I don't know if he'll be back before I leave. Today that is giving me anxiety. Please please talk some sense into me.

 

I also have all this misplaced anger toward his BS. The anger should be towards him, but in the affair I always thought it was her keeping me from a future with him. That's because he presented it that way (she controls the money, she'll leave me with my shoelaces, she won't let me see the kids or the grandkids etc.) Excuses I know but I am mad that he just gets to walk away scot free. Even though there was a Dday of sorts she has no idea of the extent of the affair and I have these feelings that I want to TELL HER.

 

I know I should leave it all behind and focus on my new future with a fantastic new job and a clean slate but I just am feeling sad today. Last night when I was going to bed I pulled out a t-shirt to wear and it turned out to be a t-shirt he gave me to remember him by so maybe that started it.

 

On the up side when I was in the affair I isolated myself and was absolutely OBSESSED with the affair, did not focus on my family at all. Yesterday I spoke on the phone to my adult son for two hours and he is so excited for me! He's coming home next week (he works away) to help me move and he expressed so much love and confidence in me. I know that's what I should be focusing on but I'm just having a bad day.

 

Maybe I just need a good cry.

[Satu]

It's a triangular relationship where none of three involved love anyone else in the triangle.

 

I'm basing the above statement on this definition of love:

 

"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Good luck with your new opportunities.

[OpenBook]

Take that T-shirt, go out in the backyard, make a fire pit and BURN IT. Make it into a ceremony of sorts. Bawl your eyes out while you're doing it. There.

 

Even when your emotions are spazzing-out, you know you're going in the right direction - AWAY from that misery, leaving it completely behind you. JUST KEEP MOVING. One foot in front of the other. It WILL get better. You know it will.

 

And what a fabulous advantage you have in moving to a new job in a different province. The timing could not be more perfect. Grab onto that; it is a gift from heaven. Your next Great Adventure awaits!!! :bunny::bunny:

[jellybean89]

Focus on the future, not the past. Remember how isolated you were, the daily anxiety over seeing the xMM, how he used you. How he almost cost you your sobriety.

 

The anger at the wife is so misplaced...it scares me for you. She has done nothing to you..he has..but to be fair, he didn't do anything to you that you didn't willingly allow. You are not a victim...you knew he was married, heck, if you are being HONEST with yourself, you enjoyed the drama and the illicit part of the affair. You got constant validation that this old dude wanted you and you for whatever reason thought because he was willing to have sex with you, it meant you mattered more than his wife. As you can see, that isn't true.

 

You thrived on the fantasy that he was willing to implode his life for you. Solo, that's really unhealthy.

 

How would you think your son would feel to know you are craving this old married jerk? Do you want to lose him too? Show him you deserve the pride and respect he is showing you. Don't back slide. Don't try to have one last talk with xMM, one last romp. Leave it all behind you.

[Ronnie33]

I'm envious that you get to move to a new city and start a new chapter away from this. Years ago I was in an extremely toxic relationship and I didn't know how to get myself out. I was young and I knew if there was ever a time for change it was then, I had friends in another state and packed up my car and left.

It was the best thing I ever did. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery to clear your mind and remind you how much more there is to life then this one part you are stuck in.

 

Good luck and look at this as the next chapter and close the last one.

[lookingforclosure]

I know how those days can be...I have really good days, and then bam...it's like I've hit a brick wall. I have the same feelings as you that he gets to go on scot free and continue his life as he always has. BUT then my rational side takes over. I have owned my part in my mess of an A, he hasn't. Because as in your case his BS doesn't know the extent either. With that being said...he really doesn't get away scot free. He has to internalize his actions in the A, just like your xMM. He can cover them up, pretend he's great and happy...but he still has to answer to himself for his role. He has chosen not to get counseling, he has chose lying and cover ups.

This is a hard road for me too...but I am in counseling and I have been honest with those I love and myself about the A. I am starting to find peace...little at a time.

A part of me will always love the person I thought he was...but I'm trying to love ME way more

 

I saw a quote the other day that fits

 

"I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them"

[81West]

This is exactly why, against the grain of other posters, I thought there was something to your psychiatrist's suggestion that you have a final communication with this man. I think you are begging for further internal mental entanglement with this guy in your new home if you don't because your current state of mind clearly indicates that you're vulnerable. I worry for you that you'll be mentally snagged on wondering if he found out you're gone yet, wondering how he feels about it, wondering and dependent on whatever answers your head fills in as you are riding and crashing waves of emotion. To truly have a clean slate you have to finish your business. If you just disappear I can almost guarantee this will feel like unfinished business and worse, potentially masquerade as some kind of false empowerment that the bottom will fall out of. I would consider gathering yourself and telling him the truth in a short note: that you're sad things didn't turn out differently but that you're looking forward to a new chapter in your life as you have elected to move away and wanted to let him know that. Wish him well. End of. That to me is what a person who is truly ready to move on would do. It's mature, reasonable, empathetic, self respecting and has far more of a chance of feeling final over time in the way it needs to.

[elaine567]

This is exactly why, against the grain of other posters, I thought there was something to your psychiatrist's suggestion that you have a final communication with this man. I think you are begging for further internal mental entanglement with this guy in your new home if you don't because your current state of mind clearly indicates that you're vulnerable. I worry for you that you'll be mentally snagged on wondering if he found out you're gone yet, wondering how he feels about it, wondering and dependent on whatever answers your head fills in as you are riding and crashing waves of emotion. To truly have a clean slate you have to finish your business. If you just disappear I can almost guarantee this will feel like unfinished business and worse, potentially masquerade as some kind of false empowerment that the bottom will fall out of. I would consider gathering yourself and telling him the truth in a short note: that you're sad things didn't turn out differently but that you're looking forward to a new chapter in your life as you have elected to move away and wanted to let him know that. Wish him well. End of. That to me is what a person who is truly ready to move on would do. It's mature, reasonable, empathetic, self respecting and has far more of a chance of feeling final over time in the way it needs to.

 

To have real closure she has to focus her mind on real closure. It doesn't really matter how it is done, whether she just disappears or they have a formal dinner and shake hands at the end, that is immaterial.

Without REAL closure in her mind then it is always left open.

She can write him a closure note yes, and then spend the next while wondering if he got that note, they can maturely agree to meet for closure, they can hug and kiss and agree never to meet again, but she can still be left wondering if he still thinks of her, wondering if she should contact him again, she is still snagged.

 

The problem here is also that HE is always open and as a MM he will always be open for some sort of relationship with the OP.

Normal relationships tend to end mutually, one dumps the other and the other being peeved, hurt, angry and upset goes off to lick their wounds and never really wants to get involved with the dumper ever again once they are past the missing the attachment stage.

The OP can dump the MM, but he will still be up for some sex, years from now.

 

The OP needs to accept closure in her own mind and until she can do that, then she is always going to be vulnerable to going back.

[81West]

I do understand the argument, and of course can't know for sure if I'm offering terrible advice. But my gut says don't leave this kind of unfinished business. I think Solostand has what she needs to find closure on the loss of the relationship but to me disappearing is opening up a whole new front in ties that bind. It's avoidable. They had an intense two year relationship that ended just weeks ago and if this was a non-affair relationship it would be strange and cruel to not tell the man she was moving out of town.

 

I think it would benefit her in two clear ways. First, it's just the right thing to do. LS is full of histories of pain and confusion when people disappear in one way or another. Its just unkind and unworthy of anyboy with any degree of maturity and empathy. This man may be a total asshat, but she can walk her own system of ethics regardless. Second, the whole thing has been unusually drama infested. If you want to start a new life that is grounded and drama free, it would benefit you to stop doing dramatic things. Disappearing without a word to a recent love and admittedly gleefully imaging the aftermath is a small, unnecessary dramatic thing.

 

She doesn't have to open a dialogue, just relay a bit of information and end the relationship properly from a clear headed place. Running off simply leaves loose ends to get tangled up in again.

[whichwayisup]

Yep, have that cry and hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you.

[road]

So I have been NC with ex-mm since Jan. 26th. I am getting ready to move for a new job in a different province.

 

This week I saw my psychiatrist for the last time. We talked about ex MM and I told him my plan was to just move without telling exMM anything. He could hear it through the grapevine.

 

He said I should have one last meeting with MM for "closure" and to tell him to call me if he ever got divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to ex MM to just disappear since our affair was over two years long. He said he thought MM would be shocked that I am moving.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Yes your shrink is a nut job.

[beach]

I also have all this misplaced anger toward his BS. The anger should be towards him, but in the affair I always thought it was her keeping me from a future with him. That's because he presented it that way (she controls the money, she'll leave me with my shoelaces, she won't let me see the kids or the grandkids etc.) Excuses I know but I am mad that he just gets to walk away scot free. Even though there was a Dday of sorts she has no idea of the extent of the affair and I have these feelings that I want to TELL HER.

 

 

 

When I have anger I have to understand that I'm not usually mad at someone ELSE = I am mad at MYSELF... For what I allowed.

 

I am responsible for my own decisions - my own actions.

 

And I have to take responsibility for participating. And I can CHANGE it all by participating opposite of the past. That automatically changes everything.

 

 

You have an opportunity to change things - I hope you embrace it and move forward.

 

 

No more handing others all your power.

[solostand]

So I found out through the grapevine that he won't be back until the day I move, so unless we pass each other on the highway there will be no chance to meet.

 

I am moving on with my life.