Four vibrators in my wife's drawer.

[HurtHusband]

Hawaii51 I did take it personally at first. I am sure many people do. I was a good boy all those years, hardworking and faithful provider. Of course you think ' is it me? I'm not attractive enough.. All this kind of thing

 

As someone said before maybe I'm like part of the furniture, all too familiar for her. I don't know.

 

I made some friends online, quite a lot of women have shown an interest in me.

I'm 6'2, athletic build and not the worse looking fella, I needed to regain my confidence. Manhood..I'm towards the larger end of the scale... Don't think it matters.

[JS84]

Trust me. I know you're busy (3 jobs you said? yikes) but stop focusing on your wife, make some free time for yourself, hang out with friends, talk to women, date a bit, get your confidence and sense of being single back and you'll feel better. Your wife is a stone and you're not going to squeeze any blood out no matter how hard you try. As long as she's doing right by your kids I think that is the best you can hope for as far as she is concerned. But to be honest you sound like you're in a pretty decent position. You don't have the wife you deserve but that doesn't mean you still can't have fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex. Which is more than you can say for a lot of people in sexless cold-fish marriages.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm 6'2, athletic build and not the worse looking fella, I needed to regain my confidence. Manhood..I'm towards the larger end of the scale... Don't think it matters.

 

Yes it matters.

 

I think from what I have read that there are women who need sex to be illicit in order to get turned on. Like your wife. There is something damaged in them. Not you.

 

She clearly has a sex drive but didn't want normal married sex. She wanted sex that she wasn't supposed to have.

 

Really, from what you said, it's her loss.

[LifeWasted]

Hawaii51 I did take it personally at first. I am sure many people do. I was a good boy all those years, hardworking and faithful provider. Of course you think ' is it me? I'm not attractive enough.. All this kind of thing

 

As someone said before maybe I'm like part of the furniture, all too familiar for her. I don't know.

 

I made some friends online, quite a lot of women have shown an interest in me.

I'm 6'2, athletic build and not the worse looking fella, I needed to regain my confidence. Manhood..I'm towards the larger end of the scale... Don't think it matters.

 

I hate myself for saying this, but after reading and then re-reading your thread, I may be one of the few to advocate taking your WW up on her offer.

 

I dunno, maybe you should get yourself a mistress.

 

I know I'm going against the grain here, but she has all but checked out as a real wife. She just wants your support, money and help with the kids. I have to half-heartedly agree with JS84. Your situation is not going to get better. You are being held hostage.

 

Who knows? Maybe if she sees you dressing up and stepping out at night, staying out until the wee hours, she will realize that she is not the be-all-end-all of your life. It might goad her into some kind of remorse and push her into acting like a wife. But then you have to ask yourself "do I really want to spend my life with a person who I have to cheat on just to 'force' her to love me and respect me?"

[oldshirt]

I hate myself for saying this, but after reading and then re-reading your thread, I may be one of the few to advocate taking your WW up on her offer.

 

I dunno, maybe you should get yourself a mistress.

 

I know I'm going against the grain here, but she has all but checked out as a real wife. She just wants your support, money and help with the kids. I have to half-heartedly agree with JS84. Your situation is not going to get better. You are being held hostage.

 

 

That's not going against the grain. We've all been saying that for 6 months now.

 

And seeing him getting dressed up and going out on dates will not give her a change of heart. She has no heart. She is the devil incarnate. The only time she will react to what he does is when she is served with divorce papers and then she will respond with anger and vengeance when her gravy train and comfortable lifestyle is threatened.

[HurtHusband]

Oldshirt you are absolutely right as usual. I won't dress up and make a big deal of going out. It won't change her. I work every weekday evening so it's a bit hard to meet another woman.

 

 

My wife confessed on a Sunday evening at the end of August, I don't understand some of the events that led up to that. On the day before we were all at the OM's small bar drinking and having a good time. I am totally oblivious and know nothing about their affair. We go on to another bar and leave OM.

 

I am enjoying a boozy Saturday night, I can't find my wife and than later find her in a quiet corner on the phone. She phoned the OM's wife and told him about the affair/ pregnancy. Next morning I receive a text from OM saying 'why is your wife phoning my wife, and you should talk to her.. At this stage I still don't know whats going on and that evening we come home from a family day out and she confesses.

 

 

She said she told him he was pregnant and he told her to pretend it was mine ( the week before she jumped me and initiated sex for the first time in almost three years ) I wonder what happened on that Saturday night? Why did she decide to confess the next day? When I think back I can't remember the pair of them having words or acting suspiciously.. I suppose I will never get the whole story.

 

We got new phones, but she checks his blog, so she is still interested in him. When she first confessed it was ' he seduced me, he's a bad guy and tried to turn me against you... A few months later I caught her looking at his website and I blew up and I said your paying for an abortion and thought you hated the guy? ( yes in hindsight a dumb thing to say.. Sure wasn't she licking his balls afew weeks earlier?? ) She said I don't hate him or like him.. That day she almost kicked me out and when I was leaving for work she said don't come back. That was dec last year. You can forget any notions of reconciliation here.. I mean if she can't even understand why I'm angry and responds with more anger and threats?

 

I put a brave face on things but some days the dilemma I am faced with just gets to me and I feel like crap and lose motivation to do anything. The plan is still to go home all together during the summer.

[road]

 

I am enjoying a boozy Saturday night, I can't find my wife and than later find her in a quiet corner on the phone. She phoned the OM's wife and told him about the affair/ pregnancy. Next morning I receive a text from OM saying 'why is your wife phoning my wife, and you should talk to her.. At this stage I still don't know whats going on and that evening we come home from a family day out and she confesses.

 

 

Did your WW give birth to an OC?

 

She said she told him he was pregnant and he told her to pretend it was mine ( the week before she jumped me and initiated sex for the first time in almost three years ).

 

 

What has your WW said about her willingly try to plan on passing off the OC as yours as a reflection on her own character?

 

 

What is WW opinion of the OM that would abandon his OC and ask you to commit about the most serious case of fraud?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talk about a WW in denial.

[HurtHusband]

No, she confessed and decided to have an abortion.

[bigman1]

HH,

 

I am a bit perplexed. Why are you in this relationship? What exactly is going on here? you said to forget any notion of reconciliation, yet your complaints seem to suggest that you are looking for just that and are biding your time until it magically happens. I am reading your words but I am paying more attention to your self reported actions. Why are you willing to exist in this dynamic? It does not seem remotely healthy.

 

Do you get your sense of identity from being in "a relationship"? Your screen name is "hurthusband" I get why you chose it, but I also wonder whether being a "husband" has become so much a part of your identity that you are willing to take anything to keep that title.

 

Do you get a sense of identity from being her husband? I mean does it have to be her, because its been her for so long?

 

Do you hate the idea of "losing" and if you ended this, then you would have some how lost. In short, are you being like General Custer?

 

I ask those questions because if those are the reasons then you should really consider fixing you. If your answer is that "you love her", well, that really begs the question. Its like saying, "I love her, so I have to accept the purposeful inequity, neglect, and abuse." That is never healthy and is really not love, its co-dependence.

 

My point is that nothing is gonna change until you stop griping, gritting your teeth and taking this crap. Having a partner means just that. An equal. They share in, contribute, and work for the better of the partnership. The only excuse is illness. What you are describing and suggesting is a course destined for greater tragedy.

 

Again, I think you claim that you are done, but I am just not clear what you mean by that given what you are describing.

[aliveagain]

As long as your married to her this is your life and there is very little to no chance it will change. If your plan is to leave her this summer as you posted than start getting ready, summer is not far away. Get your finances in order, have someone on the other side lined up to help. It is your call about getting a mistress but being permanently cut off from sex by your wife is unnatural and grounds for divorce.

 

Someone asked about the size of your manhood, at 6'2" you must be at least average and above. Most Japanese men are average and below if you Google penis sizes based on nationalities they are on average the bottom of the heap, small penis's. Could it be that you are just too big for her? Are the men she cheated with Japanese? Please everyone no need to jump on me, I am just making an observation that can be scientifically proven and I am not trying to pick on a nationality. The reason that she doesn't want sex with you may be because you hurt her when you do. It could be a combination of size and gusto that cause her pain. Have you ever asked her if having sex with you causes her pain?

[MJJean]

Just curious, are her OM (plural?) Japanese? Perhaps she married you for your income and stability, but is actually only sexually attracted to her own race.

 

From what I understand of Japanese culture, it's somewhat common to marry for practical and social reasons while having physical and emotional needs met elsewhere. If she went into the marriage with that view and you went into it with a traditional Western view, something has to give or you'll end up bitter, resentful, and lonely with giant blue balls.

 

I toss my $.02 in with the others. Find a nice mistress and get your needs met. You don't even have to sneak around. You have permission. Use it.

[road]

No, she confessed and decided to have an abortion.

Thanks for clearing that.

 

 

How has the abortion affected her? You?

[road]

As long as your married to her this is your life and there is very little to no chance it will change. If your plan is to leave her this summer as you posted than start getting ready, summer is not far away. Get your finances in order, have someone on the other side lined up to help. It is your call about getting a mistress but being permanently cut off from sex by your wife is unnatural and grounds for divorce.

 

Someone asked about the size of your manhood, at 6'2" you must be at least average and above. Most Japanese men are average and below if you Google penis sizes based on nationalities they are on average the bottom of the heap, small penis's. Could it be that you are just too big for her? Are the men she cheated with Japanese? Please everyone no need to jump on me, I am just making an observation that can be scientifically proven and I am not trying to pick on a nationality. The reason that she doesn't want sex with you may be because you hurt her when you do. It could be a combination of size and gusto that cause her pain. Have you ever asked her if having sex with you causes her pain?

 

 

 

 

How big were the toys?

[LifeWasted]

Just curious, are her OM (plural?) Japanese? Perhaps she married you for your income and stability, but is actually only sexually attracted to her own race.

 

From what I understand of Japanese culture, it's somewhat common to marry for practical and social reasons while having physical and emotional needs met elsewhere. If she went into the marriage with that view and you went into it with a traditional Western view, something has to give or you'll end up bitter, resentful, and lonely with giant blue balls.

 

I toss my $.02 in with the others. Find a nice mistress and get your needs met. You don't even have to sneak around. You have permission. Use it.

 

I was wondering the same thing. I know that in many Asian countries, having a mistress or lover outside the marriage is not an uncommon practice.

 

Where this woman failed miserably is making sure the OP knew she would be living this lifestyle prior to their marriage. It doesn't sound to me like they did alot of talking before they got married. If he is not Asian, he should have made sure where she stood in matters of marriage and fidelity.

 

It is very probable that, culturally, she believes that marriage is for the sole purpose of procreation and raising children. She probably feels her husband is an idiot for not understanding this. It is no wonder she gets defensive and angry at him when he brings up her extracurricular activities, because in her mind he should be out having his own mistress on the side and leaving her alone. I have no doubt that she sees him as a friend, parenting partner and a checkbook, but nothing more than this.

 

I have a friend who is a first generation Korean-American. His family is something else. Looking out from my very Western eyes, they way they treat one another is appalling. His mother is unbelievably controlling. The guy is 45 years old and his 70 year old mother treats him like he is a teenager. She literally runs his life. He makes no major life decisions without his father's blessing. If his parents tell him no, he doesn't do it. It ruined his marriage with his Caucasian wife. She did not cheat on him, but after ten years of struggling with his family, she divorced him and has basically destroyed his social reputation by telling everyone what a weakling he is for not standing up to his parents. She hates him. I have never seen an ex-wife hate her ex-husband to the degree that she does. It is awful. I feel bad for my friend but at the same time I don't.

 

OP, if I am wrong in my assessments, please tell me and I will recant this post.

[HurtHusband]

The OM is a white guy like me! That's why she considered screwing me and passing the child off as mine.Ok she didn't but the fact she had sex with me proves she thought about it.

 

The other guy in the US who wants to visit is also white. This is why I had the DNA tests done. I found two letters dated from the sumner of 2009 when they spent a few days together and our eldest was born exactly nine months later. This freaked me out. Thank god the tests proved both kids are biologically mine.

 

The OM was my friend, drinking buddy, someone I trusted. Our two children are of course biracial, Eurasian. They have white skin, lighter hair freckles but look abit asian too.

 

 

 

So, nothing to do with penis size. People can use lube. If two screaming kids came out of her she should have no trouble with me ( as carrieT once said)

 

Bigman1 your post struck a chord with me, I am from a traditional catholic background and I expect marriage to be for life and not wanting to see the marriage fail is a part of it. But a bigger part of it is the custody issue and the fear of losing meaningful contact with my kids. That's what keeps me stuck in place. The unhappiness I feel now would totally pale into insignificance if I can't see my kids for years on end. "You can be a divorced dad and still a great parent - eh no you can't!! Not here! Again totally up to my wife as there are no visitation laws or shared custody. It's like if I was an American woman married and living in Saudis Arabia. Seperate/divorce here and one parent gets sole legal custody than you have to negotiate with the wife to see your kids and courts have no power to force her to allow you to see them.. It's a civil matter...it's not like the US or Europe. You don't have to go to court, it's pointless anyway. You just cannot get custody ( unless your wife is dead, imprisoned, in the nut house)

And again shared custody is a foreign western thing.. So the wife is the judge and jury.

 

 

Thank all of you guys from your thoughtful responses...

[LifeWasted]

Are you able to find some semblance of happiness in other aspects of your life outside your marriage that would make living with her more bearable?

[HurtHusband]

Lifewasted I am trying to..

 

A work three different p/ t jobs. I suppose a job which would give me the time to

Meet another woman discreetly would go along way to making me feel better. A job with maybe abit of trouble would be good too...

 

That's all well and good but I felt abit threatened by the affairs and my wife's interest in other men, my kids are my kids and they know I'm dad. And maybe it's unrealistic and abit paranoid, but I am abit worried about the future if I stay here with her. I know for sure that she will cheat again and that moron from the Midwest will probably come over at some stage.

 

I know looking at the culture, the custody situation etc. sucking it up and finding a mistress could be my only option until the kids grow up.

 

 

But I worry that if I don't do something when we go back, more bad stuff could happen in the future. And it won't be good for me. She might meet some other guy and ditch me. She might 'fall in love' ?! I am only there because of the kids, but it's not like I have security. We have been together along time and the family unit is intact and it might stay that way.. But I just don't know...

[spanz1]

I think his issue is, his wife has been selling herself to him as asexual for years.

 

I agree too, it seems overblown...even after having read all of OPs threads.

I guess he is just pissed that she convinced him she hated sex, and THEN found out she is masturbating with dildos and screwing other men at will. It is the evil nature of lying to him about something he so fundamentally wanted...her enjoying sex with HIM. kind of like an ultimate betrayal...sticking the knife in, but then turning it too.

[MJJean]

Lifewasted I am trying to..

 

A work three different p/ t jobs. I suppose a job which would give me the time to

Meet another woman discreetly would go along way to making me feel better. A job with maybe abit of trouble would be good too...

 

That's all well and good but I felt abit threatened by the affairs and my wife's interest in other men, my kids are my kids and they know I'm dad. And maybe it's unrealistic and abit paranoid, but I am abit worried about the future if I stay here with her. I know for sure that she will cheat again and that moron from the Midwest will probably come over at some stage.

 

I know looking at the culture, the custody situation etc. sucking it up and finding a mistress could be my only option until the kids grow up.

 

 

But I worry that if I don't do something when we go back, more bad stuff could happen in the future. And it won't be good for me. She might meet some other guy and ditch me. She might 'fall in love' ?! I am only there because of the kids, but it's not like I have security. We have been together along time and the family unit is intact and it might stay that way.. But I just don't know...

 

The truth is that either of you could, at any time, "fall in love" or just lust and leave the marriage. The difference is that she'd get the kids and you wouldn't. But I don't think she is interested in divorce. If she were, she'd have left already. I think she wants you to basically be her roommate and co-parent sharing the business end of marriage and child rearing while each is having their physical and emotional needs met elsewhere. I think, for her, that type of arrangement is more culturally normal and acceptable than the alternatives.

 

You work multiple jobs. You've mentioned going out to bars with friends. I'm sure there are women among the folks you know who wouldn't mind providing you with companionship. After that, it's logistics. When and where?

 

Just make keep everything is on the up and up. Be decent about it. Make sure any female companions understand that you are not leaving your wife until the children are grown regardless of personal feelings that may develop for each other.

 

And, for the love of all that is good and Holy, do NOT have sex with your wife without a condom and a back-up method of birth control, if possible. That way you can be reasonably sure any additional children born aren't yours. Because, seriously, she can react to you getting your needs met by another woman or women 1 of 2 ways. She could all of a sudden want to have sex with you (hysterical bonding or due to the positive changes of having your needs met such as you being happier and more relaxed) or she could have another pregnancy or pregnancy scare and want to pass the baby off this time. Whatever happens, do NOT risk extending your sentence another 18 years.

 

You mentioned earlier that you were brought up traditional catholic. Are you still practicing? Is your wife catholic? Were you married in a catholic ceremony or have a dispensation to marry outside the Church?

 

Canon Law requires those who were Baptized catholic to marry in catholic form. Meaning, with a priest officiating or with proper dispensation to marry outside the Church. If you weren't married according to catholic form, your marriage is invalid according to Church teaching. Meaning, when and if you divorce, you can apply for a Decree of Nullity due to Lack of Form. Lack of Form annulments are a matter of paperwork and are completed rather quickly. If you were married in the Church, you could still apply for annulment because obviously your wife did not intend marriage as taught by the Church, but that is a longer process.

 

I mention this for two reasons. 1) I know you might be feeling guilty about the idea of stepping outside your marriage for religious reasons. If you weren't married according to Canon Law, then you aren't in a valid marriage (other than legally, of course) and therefore wouldn't be committing the sin of adultery. Fornication, yes, but not adultery. And 2) If you divorce someday and wish to marry another catholic or be married to a non-catholic in the Church, you'd need the annulment to do so.

 

Even if you're fallen away, you never know if you'll want to return to the Church or marry a practicing catholic and, considering how long annulment can take, it's best to have it done asap after divorce just in case.

 

My DH was raised catholic and fell away before his Confirmation. I was a Lutheran and then Pagan, Atheist, Agnostic, who was civilly married and then divorced before DH and I civilly married. DH returned to the Church 22 months ago after over 20 years away. Neither of us ever thought he would return to the faith of his childhood. I'm converting. Because of my previous marriage, we need an annulment of my first marriage in order to convalidate our marriage and be able to receive the Sacraments.

 

I am going through the annulment process. Long form because neither I nor my ex were catholic, so the civil marriage is seen as valid until proven otherwise by the Church's Marriage Tribunal. I applied for my annulment in July 2013. I have a Court of First Instance decision in my favor, but am still waiting on the Court of Second Instance decision. So, it takes some time!

 

If I would have suspected there was even a chance DH would want to return to the Church I would have done the annulment years ago! So, if you find yourself divorced, do it just in case!

Edited April 4, 2015 by MJJean

[LifeWasted]

I agree too, it seems overblown...even after having read all of OPs threads.

I guess he is just pissed that she convinced him she hated sex, and THEN found out she is masturbating with dildos and screwing other men at will. It is the evil nature of lying to him about something he so fundamentally wanted...her enjoying sex with HIM. kind of like an ultimate betrayal...sticking the knife in, but then turning it too.

 

Yeah we all get this. He gets it. Why keep harping the obvious. It's settled. She's a monster.

 

But he has to live with the ogre at least until his kids reach majority. Then he can bail. What we need to be putting our collective thought to is coming up with ideas and ways for him to survive this hell until he can leave her.

 

I got nothin....

[HurtHusband]

Everyone thank you for your replies...

 

I check my wife's phone now and than when she is not there. I found the latest email correspondence with the guy in the US. It's an EA, flirty. For example ' the cherry blossoms are so romantic" and he replies" I'd love to take a romantic walk with you under the cherry blossoms. And your beautiful like the Sakura ( cherry blossoms) ( Christ if he only knew! )

 

They exchange photos and she asks him for a photo of him in uniform " I need it lol! " she says. Also she writes" I miss you" and he writes " I miss you too"

They haven't seen each other since 2009 and she just contacted him out of the blue in October last year.

 

 

I noticed this morning she changed the PIN number on her phone! I am careful when I check, clicking back, and leaving it the way I found it. Younger child uses her phone a lot to watch yt. In the phone mail, there is a blue dot next to nail which you have not clicked on yet. When you click on it, the for disappears. She didn't say anything to me, I clicked some of the junk mail around his email to make it less noticeable. Maybe she suspects something?

 

I got some replys from lawyers in my home country. You have to be living there for over 1 yr to file for divorce and I can't just go back and stay there with the kids ( well in reality I suppose you can but it's not exactly legal )

 

 

There js another lawyer, a specialist in NY. I will consult with him. He is an authority on international marriage and divorce and knows the situation here.

 

 

 

Life goes on, I work, kids go to school. From checking her phone, haven't found anything suspicious ( apart from her email exchanges with the guy in the US)

To suggest she is fooling around here. She is very close to one of the other mothers. And today she took both kids to the school ( elder one attends ) and than she said she's going to her friends house with the younger child. For all I know she might have dropped the younger child off at her mothers place up the road. I have no way of checking. She is always dressed very smartly, today is no exception. I know the mothers go to the mall, go for lunch, get their nails done, that's their routine.

 

I deal with the triggers and doubt too..

I know I should block all that out cause she is not my wife she is just a selfish whore but it does get to me sometimes. I thought about getting a VAR?

Edited April 21, 2015 by HurtHusband

[HurtHusband]

I am doing a lot to improve myself..

I am eating very healthy, dressing well. Made some friends online and even found one particular woman who I like and who is interested in me..I know I will have to talk to the wife at some stage.

[oldshirt]

found one particular woman who I like and who is interested in me..I know I will have to talk to the wife at some stage.

 

Why?????????

[wizer]

For permission.

[JS84]

For permission.

 

The same permission she apparently feels the need to get from him? I'd recommend doing his own thing without bringing it up to her. At best she's not going to care, at worst it will piss her off and she takes action against him regarding the marriage/custody or threatens too. Which in her case is not an empty threat. Outside of raising their kids, he should live his life and she should live hers.

 

Unfortunately the ball is pretty much in her court until the kids are 18. He'd do well to not rock the boat until then anymore than he can get away with.