Wife left me for a woman

[fellini]

Seems to me you are bent on this issue which you seem not to understand.

 

His pain is infidelity AND his pain is discovering his wife has an interest in same sex.

whetheror not she is a lesbian is irrelevant. She could be bisexuality.

 

He raised the issue of trying to win back a woman who clearly does not want to.

 

None of our responses is out of line. Sorry, but you are just wrong.

 

 

 

 

The pain that brought him here is infidelity. Period.

[Rainbowlove]

I think my kids know about them. I ooverhead the twins talking in their bedroom about Lana and mommy kissing but I'm not sure if I'm just hearing things. I don't want to ask them because they would of told me by now if it wasn't a secret, no? I'm just really confused and angry right now. I want to know what kind of relationship Veronica had with my kids and howmuch tthey really know but I can't imagine getting anywhere. I feel like I don't know the whole story. Should I arrange to speak with them again?

 

You should arrange to speak with your wife and ask as many questions as you need to.

 

Do not ambush her again with her parents.

[autumnnight]

Seems to me you are bent on this issue which you seem not to understand.

 

His pain is infidelity AND his pain is discovering his wife has an interest in same sex.

whetheror not she is a lesbian is irrelevant. She could be bisexuality.

 

He raised the issue of trying to win back a woman who clearly does not want to.

 

None of our responses is out of line. Sorry, but you are just wrong.

 

When a BH comes here hurting over 2 years of deceit and betrayal, turning the thread into a platform for tolerance, homosexulaity, and the danger of mean aprents and reparative therapy is NOT helpful.

 

OP, other than a site that will explain to you how your wife's infideity was not her fault and you should support her "freedom," what do you need? Do you have friends you can talk to who will focus on your pain of betrayal and help you take the logical steps that any other BH would need to take?

[SycamoreCircle]

Here's my white flag banner.

 

I surrender.

 

As far as I can see, I'm the only one who gave the OP any tangible support.

 

Straight Spouse Network links.

 

I wasn't aware that my way of supporting OP had to go through you first to meet your approval.

Passive-aggressive. I called you out on something. That's all.

[Tayla]

I'm holding my tongue since the OP is the aggrieved in this thread, but there's so much to find offensive about the update. Undoubtedly this outcome is actually for the best, given all that's come to light.

 

On the custody thing, the only way Veronica would be barred from seeing the children in a custody agreement is if you could present significant tangible evidence that she was a threat to them. Not only does there seem to be none of that, it sounds like she's actually a positive influence in their lives.

That is indeed wise to hold tongue as this has unfolded in ways that are less then civil.

Where did you study law that you site the reasoning that Veronica can be in the childrens life? You are aware that even grandparents have to petition the courts for visitations? And guess what,if grandparents have to go that route, Veronica does not get a free pass for being the live-in lover. The husband can actually get sole custody and he can ask the courts for supervised visits where Veronica is not allowed to inter act.

Op, get a lawyer and stop talking to the mom of your kids. You are in no position to negotiate or be a pawn in her shannigans. Let your lawyer do the talking. Btw does the mrs have a career to sustain her financially?

[Methodical]

Agree ^ - there seems to be a presumption of a perfect world/perfect understanding for these two women going into this.

 

Sorry to sound preachy but people who've never worn the shoes don't fully comprehend the challenges of 'alternative' lifestyles, particularly those that are still outwardly and openly attacked as immoral or evil or what have you. (We don't have to look any further for that than OP's own accounts.) I'm fortunate to have very large balls, and I basically just rammed my out sexuality down everyone's throat who cared to challenge me or comment when I figured it out, and I had generally supportive parents, but it was still a huge challenge and a struggle.

 

Since you preach tolerance, maybe you should show some to the OP. Ramming your agenda down the OP's threat with this aggressive talk isn't going to get gain you any points with the OP. In fact, it just makes you come across as intolerant of viewpoints that differ from yours.

 

Good communication requires a good listener and a good speaker. If you don't have both, you don't have good communication.

 

I don't see where Jen is ramming anything down the OP's throat. She did express how she handled those who chose to challenge her when she came out, two totally different scenarios. I'm pretty sure Jen's point is that people are often mean and harsh and intolerant to alternative lifestyles, and in the case of the OP's wife, even her parents put her through "years" of therapy to "cure", as the OP states, her. Yes, we as adults have to be held accountable for our actions, but the OP's wife went thru, what sounds like to me, a living nightmare due to the lack of acceptance by her parents at a very impressionable age, so she assumed what her parents considered a politically/morally correct lifestyle. You can try to brainwash or rewire a persons mind, but you can't change their heart.

 

I fail to see where anyone said how she went about it was okay and having the kids around the OW was okay? But maybe I'm reading a different post.

 

This being a lesbian affair is completely relevant. Because the OP opened his posts hoping for R and yet showing his complete distaste for homosexuality. R could only be possible if his W was bi and he was accepting of that and she was remorseful. Doesn't sound like none of those things are true. So, now that more info has come out he needs to accept the marriage is over and seek support and a divorce. There is no R and hoping she will suddenly NOT Be gay is making the same mistake the parents made that contributed to this sad situation (because even if she hadn't chose to cheat eventually it would have been over)

 

she chose a very harmful and destructive way to come out. Hopefully she soon acknowledges that and works on her coping skills so it doesn't happen again and tear her kids through another break up.

 

There is one thing that is missing in this story though that says it is either a made up story, a rather dark reason or added to info.

 

I can't think of any children at young ages who would keep their mouths shut about seeing Veronica.

 

I agree. Infidelity And the circumstances surrounding that brought the OP here. He said Veronica was a stunning woman who he had a lot in common with, he liked her fine, until he learned she was a lesbian. Her sexual preference didn't change the type of person she is, but her preference changed his perception of her. He even told his wife to forego the friendship.

 

I, too, find it odd that two five-year-old children, who have formed a bond with Veronica, have never mentioned her name in the past two years.

 

The wife is clearly wrong for having an affair but it sounds to me like the OP is having a harder time dealing with it because the affair has been with a woman.

 

This is an extremely sad case for all involved.

 

Btw, I doubt the wife will agree to another potential ambush. No matter how much he promises her that won't be the case, she won't believe him after last night.

[goodyblue]

That is indeed wise to hold tongue as this has unfolded in ways that are less then civil.

Where did you study law that you site the reasoning that Veronica can be in the childrens life? You are aware that even grandparents have to petition the courts for visitations? And guess what,if grandparents have to go that route, Veronica does not get a free pass for being the live-in lover. The husband can actually get sole custody and he can ask the courts for supervised visits where Veronica is not allowed to inter act.

Op, get a lawyer and stop talking to the mom of your kids. You are in no position to negotiate or be a pawn in her shannigans. Let your lawyer do the talking. Btw does the mrs have a career to sustain her financially?

 

It won't happen. What if they decide to marry? What then? What he needs to be doing is taking a break to gather his wits, then get an attorney. I understand he doesn't want the kids around the OW but eventually it will happen if she stays with the wife. And OW is not hurting the kids. It is ridiculous to suggest she will never be around the kids. He will negotiate it as it comes.

[Rainbowlove]

That is indeed wise to hold tongue as this has unfolded in ways that are less then civil.

Where did you study law that you site the reasoning that Veronica can be in the childrens life? You are aware that even grandparents have to petition the courts for visitations? And guess what,if grandparents have to go that route, Veronica does not get a free pass for being the live-in lover. The husband can actually get sole custody and he can ask the courts for supervised visits where Veronica is not allowed to inter act.

Op, get a lawyer and stop talking to the mom of your kids. You are in no position to negotiate or be a pawn in her shannigans. Let your lawyer do the talking. Btw does the mrs have a career to sustain her financially?

 

On what grounds can the OP become entitled to full custody?

 

Why would the court grant a request to keep the children away from OW?

 

I've been through the process as a gay mother.

 

Her infidelity doesn't mean anything in terms of custody. As long as Veronica isn't a criminal with a record, the court will not care.

 

His kids are young.

 

No court would keep them from their mother.

 

Regardless what ppl think of her cheating, she's still their mother and is entitled to her kids.

 

Advocating the OP to waste his time and money in legal fees trying to prevent his children from seeing the OW is just that, a waste.

[William]

There have been many topics brought up here that would make good stand alone threads. After several alerts to this thread, I am going to suggest to everybody that we return it to the topic at hand as intended by the OP.

 

As a reminder,sanctions for taking a thread off topic is not just for whomever 'started it" but for those that continue to encourage as well. I am posting this directive instead of handing out infractions to several well meaning posters.

 

Let's get things back on track! ~Thank you

[goodyblue]

I don't see where Jen is ramming anything down the OP's throat. She did express how she handled those who chose to challenge her when she came out, two totally different scenarios. I'm pretty sure Jen's point is that people are often mean and harsh and intolerant to alternative lifestyles, and in the case of the OP's wife, even her parents put her through "years" of therapy to "cure", as the OP states, her. Yes, we as adults have to be held accountable for our actions, but the OP's wife went thru, what sounds like to me, a living nightmare due to the lack of acceptance by her parents at a very impressionable age, so she assumed what her parents considered a politically/morally correct lifestyle. You can try to brainwash or rewire a persons mind, but you can't change their heart.

 

 

 

I agree. Infidelity And the circumstances surrounding that brought the OP here. He said Veronica was a stunning woman who he had a lot in common with, he liked her fine, until he learned she was a lesbian. Her sexual preference didn't change the type of person she is, but her preference changed his perception of her. He even told his wife to forego the friendship.

 

I, too, find it odd that two five-year-old children, who have formed a bond with Veronica, have never mentioned her name in the past two years.

 

The wife is clearly wrong for having an affair but it sounds to me like the OP is having a harder time dealing with it because the affair has been with a woman.

 

This is an extremely sad case for all involved.

 

Btw, I doubt the wife will agree to another potential ambush. No matter how much he promises her that won't be the case, she won't believe him after last night.

 

That ambush really was awful. Like she needs an intervention for being gay. Give me just the smallest break. I was raised MoRmon, so many kids are kicked to the curb for being gay because it is unacceptable. I will never understand throwing children away. THIS is my point... OP, just love your kids. Everything will be ok if you do that.

[autumnnight]

OP, there are so many emotions that go along with being betrayed, and anger is the least scary, so that is what we default to. Heck, I know of a guy who carried a gun around for weeks. And another guy called his WW all sorts of bad names to their young children. However, in the long run, being a good dad and focusing on them WITHOUT badmouthing your WW OR the OW will be best for them long term. Kids aren't stupid. They will figure out that your W cheated with this woman. And regardless of peripheral issues, they won't like it, no matter hw the two women try to spin it. She betrayed their dad, and Veronica aided and abeted, KNOWINGLY.

 

Right now, protect yourself, your finances, and your kids. And while they might SEEM sympathetic, I'd stay away from her parents. They betrayed you too by keeping all this from you.

[writergal]

You should arrange to speak with your wife and ask as many questions as you need to.

 

Do not ambush her again with her parents.

 

It was the right thing for the OP to do. Otherwise, she wouldn't have come clean; and it was good for the OP to find out about his wife's past.

[writergal]

OP, there are so many emotions that go along with being betrayed, and anger is the least scary, so that is what we default to. Heck, I know of a guy who carried a gun around for weeks. And another guy called his WW all sorts of bad names to their young children. However, in the long run, being a good dad and focusing on them WITHOUT badmouthing your WW OR the OW will be best for them long term. Kids aren't stupid. They will figure out that your W cheated with this woman. And regardless of peripheral issues, they won't like it, no matter hw the two women try to spin it. She betrayed their dad, and Veronica aided and abeted, KNOWINGLY.

 

Right now, protect yourself, your finances, and your kids. And while they might SEEM sympathetic, I'd stay away from her parents. They betrayed you too by keeping all this from you.

 

I disagree. The OP found out about his wife's past BECAUSE he included her parents when he confronted his wife with her lover Veronica.

 

Why is everyone advocating for the OP to go this alone with no allies? That's horrible advice.

[goodyblue]

I disagree. The OP found out about his wife's past BECAUSE he included her parents when he confronted his wife with her lover Veronica.

 

Why is everyone advocating for the OP to go this alone with no allies? That's horrible advice.

 

Why didn't they disclose it BEFORE OP got into this mess? Before they hmarried and had children? I guess they hoped their conditioning worked. Clearly not. Yes, they are wonderful, supportive parents! Ridiculous. Don't trust them. Their interests are for themselves.

[Methodical]

I disagree. The OP found out about his wife's past BECAUSE he included her parents when he confronted his wife with her lover Veronica.

 

Why is everyone advocating for the OP to go this alone with no allies? That's horrible advice.

 

True, he found out that his wife had a somewhat harrowing childhood due to her parents reaction to her sexuality. But, typically involving other people in your problems, especially for purposes of shaming them, doesn't "explain" the reason for current behavior. That's just a tidbit that came to light unexpectedly. If I was the OP, I'd have been furiously with the in-laws after learning they knew her past tendencies and tried to convert her and essentially saw him as the "cure."

 

Nobody is advocating for the OP to go at this alone. He is being warned to control his temper bc going into a raging fit WILL NOT benefit his court case. Someone suggested a voice activated recorder, unless the law has changed, being recorded unknowingly is inadmissible. Now, if the wife calls and leaves a message on his voicemail, sends emails, etc. that is admissible bc she knows she's being recorded or sending communication.

 

The OP has been offered sound advice. Secure his finances, secure an attorney, stop communicating threats, etc. That advice is meant to help the OP. The same rules apply to him, if he calls her and leaves threatening messages on her voicemail, that's admissible evidence. Going into a rage in front of her parents, neighbors, etc. will carry weight if they are called to be witnesses to his unbecoming behavior. We aren't saying he is wrong, we are trying to get him to think proactively. He is hurt and acting out of anger, which typically isn't rational behavior.

[goodyblue]

True, he found out that his wife had a somewhat harrowing childhood due to her parents reaction to her sexuality. But, typically involving other people in your problems, especially for purposes of shaming them, doesn't "explain" the reason for current behavior. That's just a tidbit that came to light unexpectedly. If I was the OP, I'd have been furiously with the in-laws after learning they knew her past tendencies and tried to convert her and essentially saw him as the "cure."

 

Nobody is advocating for the OP to go at this alone. He is being warned to control his temper bc going into a raging fit WILL NOT benefit his court case. Someone suggested a voice activated recorder, unless the law has changed, being recorded unknowingly is inadmissible. Now, if the wife calls and leaves a message on his voicemail, sends emails, etc. that is admissible bc she knows she's being recorded or sending communication.

 

The OP has been offered sound advice. Secure his finances, secure an attorney, stop communicating threats, etc. That advice is meant to help the OP. The same rules apply to him, if he calls her and leaves threatening messages on her voicemail, that's admissible evidence. Going into a rage in front of her parents, neighbors, etc. will carry weight if they are called to be witnesses to his unbecoming behavior. We aren't saying he is wrong, we are trying to get him to think proactively. He is hurt and acting out of anger, which typically isn't rational behavior.

 

^^^^^^^^^ yep. He could hurt his case by being irrational.

[happyman64]

I'll see if I can talk to them tonight. I am so ****ing confuses, I spent all day trying to keep busy and calm myself down but now Im angry and paranoid again.

 

SimtinMan

 

I think honest communication with your kids is ok but keep it age appropriate.

 

As far as speaking with your wife or Veronica why not speak to an attorney first.

 

Because right now it looks like you are going to need one.

 

Your wife has lied to you for 2 years about your marriage by having an affair.

 

But she has lied to you a lot longer about her sexual orientation. She is obviously a mess.

 

And Veronica is breaking up your marriage. She has had two years to do this. Her interest is solely getting your wife to leave you. Her mission is accomplished.

 

So stop talking to either of these women and meet with an attorney to understand your rights and your childrens rights.

 

Again, I know you are upset. Speaking to your wife will not lessen the hurt or your anxiety.

 

Speak to an attorney. Have you spoken to your parents yet?

 

HM

[autumnnight]

I disagree. The OP found out about his wife's past BECAUSE he included her parents when he confronted his wife with her lover Veronica.

 

Why is everyone advocating for the OP to go this alone with no allies? That's horrible advice.

 

I am glad he found out about her past. I think her parents were crappy to sit at the wedding watching this man take vows without warning him.

 

I admit I personalize this because of my stuff. Lots of people had stories. NO ONE told me before I married.

 

I think her parents were self-serving.

 

However, I am very glad, OP, that you were able to hear the whole story.

[autumnnight]

[True, he found out that his wife had a somewhat harrowing childhood due to her parents reaction to her sexuality. But, typically involving other people in your problems, especially for purposes of shaming them, doesn't "explain" the reason for current behavior. That's just a tidbit that came to light unexpectedly. If I was the OP, I'd have been furiously with the in-laws after learning they knew her past tendencies and tried to convert her and essentially saw him as the "cure."

 

This. In a sense, they deceived him too.

Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

I am glad he found out about her past. I think her parents were crappy to sit at the wedding watching this man take vows without warning him.

 

I admit I personalize this because of my stuff. Lots of people had stories. NO ONE told me before I married.

 

I think her parents were self-serving.

 

However, I am very glad, OP, that you were able to hear the whole story.

 

I am so sorry to hear this about you, Autumn. I am glad OP heard the story too, but if everyone had just been honest, if her parents hadn't judges her, if she had not hidden from herself, this would be a very different story. Not only this, but the ambush/delivery sucked.

[writergal]

I am so sorry to hear this about you, Autumn. I am glad OP heard the story too, but if everyone had just been honest, if her parents hadn't judges her, if she had not hidden from herself, this would be a very different story. Not only this, but the ambush/delivery sucked.

 

 

But, the OP's wife lied to him for 2 years. I think that he did the right thing bringing her parents over, otherwise he never would have found out about his wife's past, her parents' issues with their daughter's sexuality, and he'd be in the dark about the length of her 2 year affair. Many good things came from that conversation precisely because the wife's parents were there to call her out on her malarky that she'd fed her husband for their entire marriage.

 

An entire marriage is a facade. Not something you just forgive and forget. Now there are also children involved. So that complicates everything.

 

His wife cheated. His wife is gay. She lied to herself, to her parents, to her husband and went and had children with him and thus lied to her children about who she really is...until Veronica came into her life. Veronica is the impetus to out the wife's sexuality. Look at it that way. Otherwise, how many more years would the OP have to endure living a life with wife, that turned out to be a total lie.

 

I see many posters in this thread judging and preaching very self-righteously to the OP for the way he sought answers is misguided and well, very judgemental I think. Where is the real empathy? I wonder. What was the man supposed to do? Put on his Mr. Rogers sweater and sneakers, and his a soft tone to welcome Veronica to his neighborhood? This is reality, not a tv show. I mean, put yourself in his shoes...if you can. So much mud being slung at the OP in his thread. It's unbelievable...and counter productive.

[sandylee1]

 

I see many posters in this thread judging and preaching very self-righteously to the OP for the way he sought answers is misguided and well, very judgemental I think. Where is the real empathy? I wonder. What was the man supposed to do? Put on his Mr. Rogers sweater and sneakers, and his a soft tone to welcome Veronica to his neighborhood? This is reality, not a tv show. I mean, put yourself in his shoes...if you can. So much mud being slung at the OP in his thread. It's unbelievable...and counter productive.

 

This is spot on. His world has been devastated beyond belief and the critisicm he's getting is absolutely wrong. His W and V say it's been 2 years, but it could have been even longer and she just introduced V to him, so they could spend more time together. It's a terrible betrayal and I know I'd be besides myself if anything like that happened to me. OP please remember to eat, drink and try and get some rest during all this.

 

I know you'll wake up at times and wonder /hope it was all a bad dream. Then you realise it's not. You go back in time and think one week ago, two weeks ago , my life was normal and now it's been turned upside down.

 

Just know that there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. You were deceived from day 1 of your relationship and then into the marriage. I

My heart truly goes out to you.

[fellini]

Obviously there are people here who think the infidelity was the betrayal. But this is simply not true.

 

Betrayal began with allowing this man to believe he was getting involved with a heterosexual partner. This is the betrayal.

 

I don't think it makes sense, or can even be determined, if the infidelity is separate from living a lie to oneself, marrying against one's true desires, having children in a ficticious marriage, etc. (Of course she CHOSE to cheat. That goes without question. But it does not start and end there)

 

To do so would be to claim her sexuality has nothing to do with her infidelity, when it is quite clear it MAY have everything to do with it, in terms of her impulses to be authentic.

 

All I am saying is those who wish to brush aside the sexuality issues are probably unwilling to understand that this is not anything other than just another case of infidelity. And I don't believe we can take that position in terms of the concrete issues this man is facing. Never mind the theory.

 

And in the particulars of this case the OP has in fact introduced for discussion several issues NOT related to the infidelity itself. He has, because of his personal views on homosexuality, assumed that these views are shared views and sought responses to issues about access, etc. NOT related to the infidelity. The OP has presented those issues CLEARLY in his posts. His views, while personal, have wide ranging social bases (not least of which are intolerance and social ostrisizing of non heterosexuals) which perhaps have given him confidence in having his "homophobic" position.

 

Again, that anyone thinks these issues are not in the practical day to day issues of this man's life is simply forced thinking.

 

His intolerance may well interfere with his goals and with the advice given here. His reacions to news that is devastating (infidelity) and further incomprehensible (his wife is not heterosexual, and seems never to have been, thus adding to the mix) have already proved to be potentially destructive.

 

Some of you may well remember how this panned out in another thread in LS for a BW who discovered her husband's "normal" infidelity and ended up institutionalised and without access to her children and how everything turned in favour of the OW, who came off as a "saint". This man needs guidance in both aspects: how to deal with the infidelity and how NOT to deal with his own values in terms of non-heterosexual intolerance because they will both influence where he will end up in both the short and long term.

Edited March 28, 2015 by fellini

[autumnnight]

Bottom line, OP posted in the infiledilty section regarding the pain of his spouse choosing to betray him and have an A. Instead of giving this hurting BH a "reeducation," perhaps those who cannot separate this BH's legitimate pain from their own need to criticize his stance on homosxuality should refrain from posting. If she had cheated with a man, we'd all be helping him instead of pontificating.

[writergal]

Bottom line, OP posted in the infiledilty section regarding the pain of his spouse choosing to betray him and have an A. Instead of giving this hurting BH a "reeducation," perhaps those who cannot separate this BH's legitimate pain from their own need to criticize his stance on homosxuality should refrain from posting. If she had cheated with a man, we'd all be helping him instead of pontificating.

 

^^The bolded part! Yes! That's what I have been trying to say (and failing) throughout my posts in the OP's thread.