goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I can see your point. But with W being a lesbian, she may have really needed the support. I am sorry, it is just not the same as having a strange man around your kids. They probably think of her as their mother's friend. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I wonder whether people would say it was ok to have her kids around an OM for 2 years? Seems to me that for some because its an OW then that is ok; after all she's bonded with the kids Sorry it makes you sick. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 How long will I have a say though? Wouldn't Veronica become part of the kids lives eventually? That's what I am afraid of. They love this woman for whatever reason and I think I will lose them to her one day. No way. You are their father and they love you. Regardless that your wife cheated on you with a woman (or if it was a man), the fact remains the same that no one will ever replace you. You will always be a part of their lives and IF your wife and Veronica try to cut you out of their lives, take them to court and fight for your rights. Veronica, the OW has NO say in this. My advice would be the exact same if the AP was an OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 But she isn't her mothers friend is she? She is their mothers lover which is more than what they believe she is. Or have they seen more? Being same sex should not matter, it is still wrong to have done this for 2 years around her kids. This all comes down to adult responsibility and quite frankly I am appauled that anyone can think this is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Sorry it makes you sick. Thanks. I work with abused and neglected kids every day. Adults have messed them up, sometimes unintenionally, other times on purpose. Simtinman's wife acted on her own needs and not those of her kids. Wrong wrong wrong 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I wonder whether people would say it was ok to have her kids around an OM for 2 years? Seems to me that for some because its an OW then that is ok; after all she's bonded with the kids I fail to see where anyone said how she went about it was okay and having the kids around the OW was okay? But maybe I'm reading a different post. This being a lesbian affair is completely relevant. Because the OP opened his posts hoping for R and yet showing his complete distaste for homosexuality. R could only be possible if his W was bi and he was accepting of that and she was remorseful. Doesn't sound like none of those things are true. So, now that more info has come out he needs to accept the marriage is over and seek support and a divorce. There is no R and hoping she will suddenly NOT Be gay is making the same mistake the parents made that contributed to this sad situation (because even if she hadn't chose to cheat eventually it would have been over) she chose a very harmful and destructive way to come out. Hopefully she soon acknowledges that and works on her coping skills so it doesn't happen again and tear her kids through another break up. There is one thing that is missing in this story though that says it is either a made up story, a rather dark reason or added to info. I can't think of any children at young ages who would keep their mouths shut about seeing Veronica. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Agree ^ - there seems to be a presumption of a perfect world/perfect understanding for these two women going into this. Sorry to sound preachy but people who've never worn the shoes don't fully comprehend the challenges of 'alternative' lifestyles, particularly those that are still outwardly and openly attacked as immoral or evil or what have you. (We don't have to look any further for that than OP's own accounts.) I'm fortunate to have very large balls, and I basically just rammed my out sexuality down everyone's throat who cared to challenge me or comment when I figured it out, and I had generally supportive parents, but it was still a huge challenge and a struggle. So you think that makes it okay for you to push your personal agenda onto this guy? He's hurting. He has been betrayed and needs triage. Once the bleeding is stopped and he has had time to digest what has happened, then you can preach your sermon on love and tolerance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 But she isn't her mothers friend is she? She is their mothers lover which is more than what they believe she is. Or have they seen more? Being same sex should not matter, it is still wrong to have done this for 2 years around her kids. This all comes down to adult responsibility and quite frankly I am appauled that anyone can think this is ok. Sorry you are appalled. In any case, as I stated, I didn't get involved with my guy's family til he had left. I am not saying I agree with her decision, just that people make mistakes and the only thing to do now is go forward. The kids are small, I have six myself, I know a little about how they think, and my youngest doesn't know anything but the undying love of my guy. They will be happier if their parents are happy. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Man sorry OP. Talk about a ****ing nightmare. Your wife sounds pretty cold-hearted. And I'm not sure there's any way you can actually keep them from Veronica unless you can prove she's done something to harm them in some way. To be honest this is something I've always feared happening to myself. Finding someone, getting serious with them, starting a family, building a life, only to have them turn around and be a lesbian the entire time who played me for sucker until she could destroy my family and ride off into the sunset with them. I do suggest exposure despite your embarrassment. Her parents was a good first step but expose to family and mutual friends (although I wouldn't be surprised if some already know). And try to be strong for your kids. Your wife seriously ****ed them over as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Agree ^ - there seems to be a presumption of a perfect world/perfect understanding for these two women going into this. Sorry to sound preachy but people who've never worn the shoes don't fully comprehend the challenges of 'alternative' lifestyles, particularly those that are still outwardly and openly attacked as immoral or evil or what have you. (We don't have to look any further for that than OP's own accounts.) I'm fortunate to have very large balls, and I basically just rammed my out sexuality down everyone's throat who cared to challenge me or comment when I figured it out, and I had generally supportive parents, but it was still a huge challenge and a struggle. Since you preach tolerance, maybe you should show some to the OP. Ramming your agenda down the OP's threat with this aggressive talk isn't going to get gain you any points with the OP. In fact, it just makes you come across as intolerant of viewpoints that differ from yours. Good communication requires a good listener and a good speaker. If you don't have both, you don't have good communication. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Nobody will grant a restraining order. It is a superfluous request. She is not hurting, and is bonded to, the kids. If it has been this long, it may upset them to not see her now. We're not talking about WW and OW taking them out for ice cream. We're talking about divorce which is painful and confusing and those kids. And the fact that she "bonded" with those kids has no weight in court. She's not factored into this. What do I know. Dude, talk to a lawyer I see if that's a viable option. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 edit: should be "throat" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Sorry you are appalled. In any case, as I stated, I didn't get involved with my guy's family til he had left. I am not saying I agree with her decision, just that people make mistakes and the only thing to do now is go forward. The kids are small, I have six myself, I know a little about how they think, and my youngest doesn't know anything but the undying love of my guy. They will be happier if their parents are happy. Goodyblue, I am not talking about your situation, I don't know it. I am talking about what has been posted about this one. As I already posted, I work with neglected and abused kids whether it be physically or mentally every day of the week. I find what the wife did here unacceptable for her kids. The friend she has brought around will become the girlfriend. That will affect her kids whether she believes it or not. Again, its the 2 years or lieing and deceit doing this that I truly am disgusted with. I will bow out of this now as its going off the subject of support and I'm getting very sad about the complete disregard for the welfare of her kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We're not talking about WW and OW taking them out for ice cream. We're talking about divorce which is painful and confusing and those kids. And the fact that she "bonded" with those kids has no weight in court. She's not factored into this. What do I know. Dude, talk to a lawyer I see if that's a viable option. Kids are resilient. Yeah, divorce sucks. People get over it. If OP keeps kid relationship with them a good one, they will be fine. We don't even know the circumstances of the relationship between OW and the kids. Hell, at least they don't hate her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So you think that makes it okay for you to push your personal agenda onto this guy? He's hurting. He has been betrayed and needs triage. Once the bleeding is stopped and he has had time to digest what has happened, then you can preach your sermon on love and tolerance. Since you preach tolerance, maybe you should show some to the OP. Ramming your agenda down the OP's threat with this aggressive talk isn't going to get gain you any points with the OP. In fact, it just makes you come across as intolerant of viewpoints that differ from yours. Good communication requires a good listener and a good speaker. If you don't have both, you don't have good communication. I fail to see where I'm "pushing my personal agenda" or "ramming my agenda down the OP's throat." Can either of you point that out? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Kids are resilient. Yeah, divorce sucks. People get over it. If OP keeps kid relationship with them a good one, they will be fine. We don't even know the circumstances of the relationship between OW and the kids. Hell, at least they don't hate her. But, they don't need another person being forced into their lives either. As far as these kids knew, this other woman was just mommy's "friend". Obviously, this divorce is going to change this whole dynamic on who is exactly mommy's friend really is. But, if WW and OW are serious about each other, then they have time to slowly expose them to the true nature of their relationship. But, for now, these kids already have enough to deal with as to why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. THAT should be the MOST important thing to these people right now. And if WW and OW aren't selfish, they would realize that as well and let mom and dad deal with the issues. OP, my advice to you is to forget this thread and the "who's right and who's wrong", gay rights and parents history of trying to exorcise homosexuality out of someone arguments. Bottomline, you got screwed. Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I fail to see where I'm "pushing my personal agenda" or "ramming my agenda down the OP's throat." Can either of you point that out? ^^^^^ agreed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Kids are resilient. Yeah, divorce sucks. People get over it. If OP keeps kid relationship with them a good one, they will be fine. We don't even know the circumstances of the relationship between OW and the kids. Hell, at least they don't hate her. Goody, I usually agree with 95% of what you say but, I hate this line. My OW used to use it on me before I got my head out of my sphincter and went back to my wife. Kids are traumatized by divorce. They are caught in the middle and it leads to abandonment and other issues down the road Jenn, keep being yourself. You're not pushing any agendas whatsover. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 edit: should be "throat" I made it be "thread" lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I fail to see where I'm "pushing my personal agenda" or "ramming my agenda down the OP's throat." Can either of you point that out? I think it's because you're siding with the wife because you appreciate her struggles while others overlook all that and just see her as being a cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SimtinMan Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think my kids know about them. I ooverhead the twins talking in their bedroom about Lana and mommy kissing but I'm not sure if I'm just hearing things. I don't want to ask them because they would of told me by now if it wasn't a secret, no? I'm just really confused and angry right now. I want to know what kind of relationship Veronica had with my kids and howmuch tthey really know but I can't imagine getting anywhere. I feel like I don't know the whole story. Should I arrange to speak with them again? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think it's because you're siding with the wife because you appreciate her struggles while others overlook all that and just see her as being a cheater. Yes, this is true. Just like most of us don't appreciate the struggles of any particular WW or WH because those struggles don't have anything to do with the decision to cheat. It's no joke - a WS chooses to cheat. They choose that over honest, open communication with their BS. Its tough to be told by your SO that they are fed up with the marriage and want a divorce. Really tough. But it's better then "I want a divorce and I've been cheating and I'm moving in with my AP". Facing problems head on with courage and conviction pretty much always turns out to be the best way to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) I think my kids know about them. I ooverhead the twins talking in their bedroom about Lana and mommy kissing but I'm not sure if I'm just hearing things. I don't want to ask them because they would of told me by now if it wasn't a secret, no? I'm just really confused and angry right now. I want to know what kind of relationship Veronica had with my kids and howmuch tthey really know but I can't imagine getting anywhere. I feel like I don't know the whole story. Should I arrange to speak with them again? I don't think this is real. I can't now because the ages of your kids and that many? There is no way your wife would have been able to threaten them all into silence. Children blurt things out. Specially someone who they are attatched to. And in your other post you gave them far too old of behaviour (their reaction towards you and Their feelings for Veronica for that age specially in light of the fact they never mentioned her before and now suddenly are... After two years). It doesn't fit. You also didn't mention anything about why they never mentioned Veronica pre discovery until I questioned it. IF, by some slim chance your story is true just as you say it... Your wife was being abusive to your children when she threatened or manipulated them into such a state that they never mentioned Veronica. You really need to see a lawyer and look into family courts. That is child abuse. Edited March 27, 2015 by Noirek 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SimtinMan Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't think this is real. I can't now because the ages of your kids and that many? There is no way your wife would have been able to threaten them all into silence. Children blurt things out. Specially someone who they are attatched to. And in your other post you gave them far too old of behaviour (their reaction towards you and Their feelings for Veronica for that age specially in light of the fact they never mentioned her before and now suddenly are... After two years). It doesn't fit. You also didn't mention anything about why they never mentioned Veronica pre discovery until I questioned it. IF, by some slim chance your story is true just as you say it... Your wife was being abusive to your children when she threatened or manipulated them into such a state that they never mentioned Veronica. You really need to see a lawyer and look into family courts. That is child abuse. I'll see if I can talk to them tonight. I am so ****ing confuses, I spent all day trying to keep busy and calm myself down but now Im angry and paranoid again. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Goody, I usually agree with 95% of what you say but, I hate this line. My OW used to use it on me before I got my head out of my sphincter and went back to my wife. Kids are traumatized by divorce. They are caught in the middle and it leads to abandonment and other issues down the road Jenn, keep being yourself. You're not pushing any agendas whatsover. I understand your point. I am not a child of divorce, but my children are. I feel that how children cope depends on how the parents handle things. My fear is that OP seems really angry. I do understand it, but if he gets it together and handles things properly it can be ok. They can still be very loved. I also think it is important to have age appropriate transparency about the wife's relationship, NOT from OP but from the wife. I think times are different from when I was a child. My kids do not care about someone being gay. Times are different. I think these kids could be just fine. OP, I wouldn't waste any more time talking to your wife about her relationship. I know you are in pain. I am sorry for that, but you know what you need to. File for divorce. Work on coparenting. I really wish you peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts