Is reconciliation possible?

[Suit_up]

I understand where you are all coming from, but the NZ thing i can assure you was not an excuse, we deferred thinking about it a few times but it was like a looming cloud. Most mutual friends also agree that they think she has possibly intentionally severed things as she feels there might be greater pain later.

 

Is there really a greater chance of us fixing things by not trying this? I am sure couples have gotten back together through situations like this before. I am certainly managing my expectations, but it can't really be that bad to go for this dinner surely.

[Ruby65]

You'll never know if she WANTED to contact you and revisit the relationship.... because you contacted her yourself right away. Now she gets to enjoy the free ride of your affection and attention.... while never reaching the conclusion herself that she can't live without you. She's never HAD TO.

 

How is this a win?

 

And your mutual friends mean well -- but are just telling you what you want to hear.

[Ruby65]

I am certainly managing my expectations, but it can't really be that bad to go for this dinner surely.

 

Every single person who's been dumped.... and gotten their dumper to agree to go out for a post breakup meal.... has said exactly these same words.

 

Your expectations? Of course you expect to get back together. You'll be crushed when it doesn't happen.

 

But sometimes we need to get that door slammed in our face one last time before we can truly move on...

[na49]

Is there really a greater chance of us fixing things by not trying this? I am sure couples have gotten back together through situations like this before. I am certainly managing my expectations, but it can't really be that bad to go for this dinner surely.

 

There's a smaller chance of you fixing things by trying this right now. If you both took some time away, to grow, while she realizes what she's missing, then yes there is a chance. She just broke up with you, she knows your number and would have told you if she made a mistake. Does it mean anything to you that she hasn't?

 

Couples get back together all the time, I used to think it was some rare thing but it really isn't. Couples getting back together and STAYING together is a different story.

[Simon Phoenix]

Surely though if it were always so uniform, there'd be no point in a section called "second chances". If she didn't want to see me she could say no. She definitely isn't the person to string someone along.

 

You're assuming that she's on the same page as you, which is a rookie mistake. She could just as easily assume "Oh hey, Suit Up is contacting me, he must be over it and want to be my platonic friend. That's awesome, I'd like to have him as a friend." Don't project your thoughts onto others, because the odds that they match are low.

[Suit_up]

So shall i just cancel then?

[Ruby65]

Yes. And go No Contact to heal.

 

If she ever changes her mind.... she'll track you down and let you know.

 

[Diezel]

She definitely isn't the person to string someone along.

 

This is what everyone in denial usually says until they realize they are being strung along, far too late.

[Suit_up]

You are probably right. I am clutching at something that was constant. I had a death very close to my family, and ive been managing very bad clinical depression for so long (to the point where i am able to hide it usually), but the loss of her in this way was so devastating, i guess i am just trying to hold on to the person who I was having so much fun and good times with.

 

 

I need to give it up.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

You are probably right. I am clutching at something that was constant. I had a death very close to my family, and ive been managing very bad clinical depression for so long (to the point where i am able to hide it usually), but the loss of her in this way was so devastating, i guess i am just trying to hold on to the person who I was having so much fun and good times with.

 

 

I need to give it up.

 

Dear suit_up, I think you should look at this with a new light,

It's not giving up, it's picking and choosing your fights.

While I do believe in reconciliations with the right frame of mind,

It's clear she did the breaking up, and hasn't returned your affection in kind.

 

Don't drag this out further, it'll only end with despair,

I think you should consider accepting this is beyond what you can repair,

Work on getting back to what you believe in and love,

Then work on finding someone who fits with you like a glove.

[hunk]

Listen to Ruby on this one. Her advice is 100% spot on. That dinner will leave you feeling like absolute trash, lower than you probably thought you could feel. She won't reach out to you after, you'll both be on COMPLETELY different wavelengths with COMPLETELY different intentions on how the night is going to go. She will be genuinely happy and receptive while you sit there dying inside. If any dinner is going to happen it has to be initiated by her. No contact is your only option here.

[dvx]

Every single person who's been dumped.... and gotten their dumper to agree to go out for a post breakup meal.... has said exactly these same words.

 

Your expectations? Of course you expect to get back together. You'll be crushed when it doesn't happen.

 

But sometimes we need to get that door slammed in our face one last time before we can truly move on...

 

In my case she wanted to break up via phone, i told her let's meet up and talk the same day. We met up and had a meal and she broke up. No matter what i said or begged.

 

Is that the same case as OP's dinner meeting?

[Cinnamonstix]

So glad to hear you're coming around to the advice and are going to cancel. I've been that girl at dinner with an ex taking me out to get me back. I didn't want to go for dinner, but he begged and I gave in, feeling like I owed it to him (I was quite young and probably hungry). Dinner was fine, but the night ended terribly when he realized I wasn't getting back together with him, and he completely unraveled. Though we did end up reconciling later, it was only when I came around on my own. I called him up and made it clear I wanted him back.

[Diezel]

i guess i am just trying to hold on to the person who I was having so much fun and good times with.

 

 

I need to give it up.

 

You can't hold onto someone who let you go a while ago, and that's what you need to realize. She will say yes to the dinner and she won't mind you paying but as soon as you mention getting back together, she won't entertain the idea.

 

Because it's not her idea.

 

And it probably never will be.

[Suit_up]

I got contact from her.

 

Initially i had told her i was available tuesday wednesday or friday.

 

She messaged back saying "How about friday?".

 

My friends are telling me they think she has been reconsidering her feelings, and that she has been miserable since the split. Not going out much, going out with groups of girls she doesn't like. These are the same friends who were saying "f*ck her, just delete her number" earlier in the month.

 

They told me that if she didn't want there to be potential it seems nuts to choose the friday night out of the options i gave her. Where she doesn't have to be worried about being hung over in the morning.

[Diezel]

Forget your friends and their advice.

 

Listen to the objective people who aren't in the midst of the situation.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, Suit_up

 

Do not meet with her.

 

Because you are taking back control of your life when you go no contact.

 

Look at your self as a no contact warrior.

 

No contact breaks us out of the friends zone or relationship limbo, and begins our personal evolution.

 

The purpose of our personal evolution is to calm down,

get our emotional control back and evolve past the old failed relationship, and survive a break up.

 

That is all.

 

No contact is not manipulation, or saying: I give up.

 

Because we know that nothing lasts forever.

 

Sometimes not even a break up lasts forever.

 

Some say that no contact is manipulating.

 

How can working on yourself, focusing on you and your life, agreeing with the break up, be manipulative?

 

Maybe the ones that say that no contact is manipulative are fans of drama?

 

Don't worry about the past, let it go, and focus completely on the present, and sticking to no contact.

 

As you know you are a warrior and warriors also get hurt and kicked down,

but what makes them warriors is their ability to get back up and fight even if they have been kicked down.

 

So get back up, make yourself feel better. Write out whatever you are feeling and go do something that makes you smile.

 

We will support you all the way!

[Suit_up]

A quick update, im dating now, and have a few girls i chat to, not very serious.

 

She messaged me today, told me she is looking forward to dinner with me (i hadnt cancelled). She said she is ill with tonsilitis, stuck at home. Asked how my day is going, if i had a good trip to hamburg, and told me good luck with my job interview (she obviously found out i am interviewing for a very good job today.)

 

Heres the thing, i am feeling a bit more emotionally distant from it now, but i do still think we have a chance. Poor communication kind of killed our relationship. Since i went NC she remained distant, which made things very easy, but i feel like she broke the seal a bit today. We chatted, and i enjoyed it. This girl will never be the person to come back and say "look, i am sorry, i was wrong" even if she thought it. She is always afraid of her emotions, and told it to me and her roommates when we were at our happiest.

 

My point is, i am in two minds, and i have until friday to decide. If i do go to this meal, i am in no way going to try and convince her with words to come back. She knows i have other girls asking me for drinks as some of them did so on my instagram account, to which she subscribes, and it obviously told her about Hamburg. I would maintain that i am getting on with my life, having fun (i have been hitting the gym and got a bit of a tan im hamburg) and have a new career on the way. That is all i would project. If she had second thoughts, the forum for it would be this, and likely only this. If she didn't, well this will be the first face to face we'd have had, so I guess its the best forum to judge.

 

I don't know what i was doing those first couple of weeks, allowing myself to be so disfunctional. I have never been that way before.

[Ruby65]

Oh well. Good luck?

[Suit_up]

I thought i would give you all the update on how this ended, since it didn't really fall in line with what anybody said, but i think the ending was good.

 

We went out for the dinner, she got delayed on the underground, so i sat there on my own for a while. She walked in, and i was expecting that sick feeling, terrible anxiety. I felt relatively little, i was surprised. We sat down and she suggested sharing starters as we always used to. She asked about my life and my career, i told her my positive job news, we joked around a little.

 

I asked her about herself and what she had been doing. Essentially she said "not much", confirming what i kind of new, judging from her having been on my netflix nightly in that period. She was polite, as was i, but weirdly as the dinner went on i wasnt in touch with that part of me that so badly wanted it. I had certain fondness towards her, but didnt feel like i badly wanted her back. I didn't have that spark.

 

When we parted ways, we said goodbye, as if we would see each other again, but i felt as though we wouldn't. We kissed on the cheek, then an odd pause, and again, but on the lips. I felt weird afterwards, i miss her warmth, but i am not sure i wanted her back. She gave up pretty quick as soon as the feeling tailed off, and ive seen her do similar in her career and other pursuits, i guess i dont want that, and saw things with real eyes, less chemically twisted.

 

Anyhow, strangely, on the way home i got a message from a girl who actually went to my school. She was a few years younger, one of those who was known for being beautiful, but you don't know much about her. She said my friend suggested i could give her some help translating something. We have been dating since, very very casually.

 

Weird how things turn out.

[Ruby65]

People use rebounds to mask their pain. If you find someone new, you can just transfer your feelings to her and experience the emotional/chemical rush your brain is craving right now from your ex. Your brain WANTS you to find someone new to get that endorphin rush... like if you were quitting smoking, your brain would be pushing you to have *just one* cigarette for the nicotine.

 

And while this might work for you during the honeymoon stages of dating and a new relationship, at some point you're going to realize you don't really love Rebound Girl -- that you're still in love with your ex -- and then she's the one who's going to be heartbroken.

 

Unless she breaks up with you first, in which case you've then got TWO breakups to cope with, since you never really processed your first one.

 

I don't expect you'll suddenly start following my advice, but feel morally obligated to give it anyway, and urge you not to be dating anyone right now. You're a walking timebomb right now, set to go off and leave anyone who develops feelings for you to be badly hurt.

 

You want to "casually date"? Limit it to FWB or one night stands. That's all you've got to give at this point. Leave any girl with dating potential alone for now.