Is reconciliation possible?

[goldway90]

I was considering asking her for dinner. I really feel like I need to know what happened. If there was another guy and it was all an excuse, or why exactly she fell out of love with me. Two weeks of no contact and i made no progress at all. I was just in agony 24/7. Never even momentary distraction.

Damn man, what are you doing? LEAVE HER ALONE. There's no answers for you specially from someone who's depressed! You don't seem to know the nature of that illness, you'll push her so far away i can see her blocking you from everywhere.

Btw what if there's another guy! what are you going to do huh? "Oh you left me how could you do that to me." You sent a message, she replied politely so back off. I told you before, this is going to be a big emotional roller coaster, and i don't think you can handle it. Take it from someone who's going through this or even more.Trust me and don't make excuse " she's the one, i'm the hero going to save her and live happily ever after".

Edited March 31, 2015 by goldway90
mistake

[Suit_up]

Damn man, what are you doing? LEAVE HER ALONE. There's no answers for you specially from someone who's depressed! You don't seem to know the nature of that illness, you'll push her so far away i can see her blocking you from everywhere.

Btw what if there's another guy! what are you going to do huh? "Oh you left me how could you do that to me." You sent a message, she replied politely so back off. I told you before, this is going to be a big emotional roller coaster, and i don't think you can handle it. Take it from someone who's going through this or even more.Trust me and don't make excuse " she's the one, i'm the hero going to save her and live happily ever after".

 

 

I've got 12 years of clinical depression myself. I understand it perfectly. Step one is usually to push away everyone close to you. No matter the reality of your advice the tone isn't really necessary. Its not tough love, it's just being rude.

[Ruby65]

I think everyone here just wants to help you.

 

We've all been there. We've all struggled with No Contact.

 

You're only two weeks into it..... you're mired in the worst of it, but unfortunately you've got a ways to go before it starts feeling better.

 

Keep moving forward. You got your answer, for now: she lost feelings. She's not *in love*. Let that be enough for now.

 

Please don't contact her again, don't ask her to dinner. Give yourself more time to heal.

[goldway90]

I've got 12 years of clinical depression myself. I understand it perfectly. Step one is usually to push away everyone close to you. No matter the reality of your advice the tone isn't really necessary. Its not tough love, it's just being rude.

Im not being rude , you have 12 years of clinical depression just read what you are doing then? you are doing things wrong, i'm giving an objective opinion since you are already emotionaly invested in her, you judgment is kinda driven by your feelings. But i'm out, wish you luck i hope everything works out good for you. Peace.

[Suit_up]

I need some help. I am having one of those days where i badly want to initiate conversation.

 

The night i sent her a friendly text message, she logged in netflix (shes still using my netflix and i find it hard to cut her off, as i dont want to be hostile), she started watching episodes of the show that we always watched in bed together on the ipad late at night. She also on the same day comes up on my instagram feed, liking the electric cinema venue that i took her for a romantic night on cinema beds with red wine.

 

People will say i am reading in to things, but god these are quite prominent. I wasn't looking for them at all. Either something is going on in her head about us, or she is demonstrating almost a sociopathic ability to do the things we did together without feeling the emotion.

 

I'm having to fight not to contact her.

[Suit_up]

She told me she loved me but she fell out of love with me. I can't just move to NZ with her, but its the reason she split from me as soon as we lost the honeymoon period.

[Ruby65]

I need some help. I am having one of those days where i badly want to initiate conversation.

 

The night i sent her a friendly text message, she logged in netflix (shes still using my netflix and i find it hard to cut her off, as i dont want to be hostile), she started watching episodes of the show that we always watched in bed together on the ipad late at night. She also on the same day comes up on my instagram feed, liking the electric cinema venue that i took her for a romantic night on cinema beds with red wine.

 

People will say i am reading in to things, but god these are quite prominent. I wasn't looking for them at all. Either something is going on in her head about us, or she is demonstrating almost a sociopathic ability to do the things we did together without feeling the emotion.

 

I'm having to fight not to contact her.

 

Okay, you absolutely MUST cut her off your Netflix account.

 

It's not about being hostile -- this is an obvious trigger for you, as you're now experiencing.

 

You're ALLOWED to protect yourself from this kind of unnecessary suffering. Don't use "being polite" as an excuse to keep the door open between you. It's self-defeating.

 

Go cut her off, then post here when you've done it! Take a stand for your sanity, my friend.

[Simon Phoenix]

All it means is that you need to cut her off your Netflix.

[banana1522]

Keeping her on your Netflix and analysing her every move will not help you maintain NC. You will feel the pain of NC even more and it will make you want to break it even more.

 

Look at breaking NC as having to start healing from scratch all over again, and to top it off, you will be hitting the final nail in the coffin of your relationship as it will lower any chance for a healthy reconciliation - i.e. one where SHE reaches out - if there is one.

 

It really does take two! You've done your bit. She HAS to do hers if your relationship is to work.

 

Just sayin.

Edited April 2, 2015 by banana1522

[Suit_up]

Well some people here are going to reprimand me severely here, but i called her. We chatted a little, caught up with each other on what we have been up to, no huge detail, but it was ok.

 

I asked her to dinner when i get back from Hamburg, so after the weekend. She said yes, and we are going to set the time shortly.

 

I understand this is not no contact, and also understand that i may learn the lesson first hand, but so be it. I want her back, and i haven't begged, pushed, anything. I said to her i thought we could go out and have a good time together like we used to, she agreed.

 

Will see what happens i guess.

[na49]

Everyone here just gives you advice. No one is going to attack you for breaking NC. It's your life after all.

 

I understand that you want her back, but what matters is that she wants you back. She told you that she fell out of love with you, and hasn't had much time to miss you or wonder about you because you came to her. It doesn't seem like you have your hopes up which is good. If you end up getting burned, at least you'll know that you tried.

[Diezel]

I never understood the idea people wanting someone back who doesn't want them.

[Suit_up]

When she told me she felt differently, she said so about not just me but the whole country, and then went on to cut lots of aspects of her life. The main period in which this happened, if she fell out of love with me she did so when we were not in the same country together. 3 weeks in NZ and she came back like someone had flicked a switch inside her.

 

From what i have heard she is not in a great place right now. The day we split she said she loves me but doesn't feel as "in love". It seems the NZ thing and the weight of it was the most destructive part.

 

Anyhow, my handling of it has literally been no contact for a few weeks, then a couple of messages, nothing heavy, and now a phone call leading to dinner. It might be that it was a bad spell that could be fixed, but maybe not.

 

In the mean time i am getting on with life, do have other options out there, hitting the gym and working hard. I suggested the dinner and drinks after just to have some fun again...she said yep we can do something in the next couple of weeks (id told her i wasnt available until after hamburg.) I wrapped up the call after a catch up.

 

I don't ever say or do anything needy. All in all it could be a good thing, but i am not assuming it means we will get back together.

[Ruby65]

She told me she loved me but she fell out of love with me.

 

No mystery here what's going to happen at this dinner, if the dinner actually takes place.

 

Prepare yourself for the worst.... and expect nothing.

[Ruby65]

I don't ever say or do anything needy. All in all it could be a good thing, but i am not assuming it means we will get back together.

 

Contacting someone who's just broken up with you.... is the very definition of "needy".

[Suit_up]

No mystery here what's going to happen at this dinner, if the dinner actually takes place.

 

Prepare yourself for the worst.... and expect nothing.

 

The above post ruby is a little more accurate version of it. More word for word. After coming back from NZ she said she felt totally flat, and loved me but wasnt as "in love" with me as before. All this happened though whilst we were on the other side of the world to each other.

[Ruby65]

The above post ruby is a little more accurate version of it. More word for word. After coming back from NZ she said she felt totally flat, and loved me but wasnt as "in love" with me as before. All this happened though whilst we were on the other side of the world to each other.

 

She's lost feelings for you.

 

This dinner is a terrible idea. All you're doing is coming off as weak and needy.... and keeping her from ever missing you.

 

Most importantly of all, you're preventing yourself from starting to heal and move on. Which you undoubtedly will have to start doing, sooner or later.

[Suit_up]

Surely though if it were always so uniform, there'd be no point in a section called "second chances". If she didn't want to see me she could say no. She definitely isn't the person to string someone along.

[Ruby65]

If she had contacted you.... saying she had realized she made a mistake and wanted to get back together? That's a second chance.

 

People DO reconcile.

 

All you've done is broken NC and contacted a dumper who's agreed to meet up for dinner. That's not a second chance, that's you trying to get breadcrumbs from someone who's fallen out of love with you when you should be moving on.

 

Please consider cancelling and trying to heal.

 

IF she ever changes her mind, you won't have to do anything! She'd be the one doing all the work to make it happen.... IF that's what she wanted.

[Suit_up]

I'd rather bleed myself out trying than not at all. If the dinner goes badly it's going to hurt like hell. It might not though. She is a very unusual girl, very internal, and the NZ thing is a huge factor.

 

I'd rather put myself on the line this one time, as if we have fun together like we used to, theres hope. If not, well i can truly move on.

[Van Norden]

Man, I'm no Dr. Love. I'm struggling a lot to move on too. Read my posts and you'll be convinced if you don't trust me. But if you really want her back just let it flow naturally. What can you expect from an artificially reawakened spark? It won't last much. Do you want to bang her once, twice, thrice? Shortly after she will find out that the reasons for dumping you weight again and will go away again. If she has the opportunity to feel your loss and miss you, well, it's more a 50/50 bet. She may move on without ever looking back (I really hope it's not the case, not for you, not for me). But if chances of reconciliation are possible, only a long period of rest time can be able to rekindle the flame and ignite a better and more lasting one than a crappy remake of what you already had.

 

Move on, be strong, stay NC, post here often. Become a better person in the meantime and maybe she'll think it twice if she ever contacts you again for a reconciliation.

Edited April 6, 2015 by Van Norden

[Diezel]

It seems the NZ thing and the weight of it was the most destructive part.

 

You DO realize that NZ is just the excuse she is using, right?

That that is not the MAIN reason for it.

 

That's just what she is telling you.

 

But, go to this dinner thing. Do your little dance to try to get her back. Learn the hard and more painful way if you must.

[Ruby65]

But if you really want her back just let it flow naturally. What can you expect from an artificially reawakened spark?

 

Maybe I'm missing something.... but where has the "spark" been "re-awakened" by anyone, artificially or not?

 

At best, he's heading for the Friend Zone, that's all. He's pursuing someone who's just dumped him.... she's agreeing to let him buy her dinner and stroke her ego.

 

No spark. No awakening. No nothing.

 

Dumpers agree to meet up with their recent dumpees ALL THE TIME, for dinner or drinks. For "closure".... to establish a "friendship"..... because they love the teenage melodrama of it all.... for many reasons. Mostly because it's flattering and they enjoy the attention.... until they find their next boyfriend.

 

Usually it's a very touching and emotional evening. It's like they "never broke up", lots of laughing and jokes, neither one bringing up the breakup in an effort to "keep things light". There's usually some mild flirting and most commonly there's the platonic too-long-hug or cheek-kiss at the end of the night. The next day the dumpee is already back and posting about how amazing it all was and wondering how long he should wait before contacting her again.

 

I've seen it so many times!

 

She's a "very unusual girl"? Not unusual enough to keep from acting like a typical run-of-the-mill dumper so far....

 

Good luck to you on your dinner.

[Van Norden]

Maybe I'm missing something.... but where has the "spark" been "re-awakened" by anyone, artificially or not?

 

At best, he's heading for the Friend Zone, that's all. He's pursuing someone who's just dumped him.... she's agreeing to let him buy her dinner and stroke her ego.

 

No spark. No awakening. No nothing.

 

Didn't explain myself well. Or didn't use a good metaphor. Anyway. What I'm pointing at is that if the dinner went really WELL and crystallized in a reconciliation, its forced nature would make it eventually crash. More sooner than later, I bet.

 

I've just met my ex once since our BU. We shared that endless platonic hug that didn't mean anything positive to me - just compassion and nothing more. Still I think of that moment and wish I had never born. Reading your cruel but real depiction of that moment made me tremble at how tragically patterned all of us humans are. Seriously, OP, do yourself a favour and do not undergo such trap. Now I genuinely want to die, and seriously, you don't want to get in there.

[Ruby65]

I certainly don't mean to be cruel -- or to belittle your very real emotional experience with your ex!

 

I'm simply hoping to shock the OP into recognizing what's happening and hopefully spare him from going through the same hearrt-wrenching pain and drama so many of us have gone through before him....