GorillaTheater Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I don't know what to do at this point, without her I have nothing left to lose. Then you need to work on yourself more than you need to work on your "marriage". Step One is getting a job, any job and anywhere. Step Two will be figuring out why you're willing to accept an unacceptable situation. Step Three will be getting yourself emotionally and mentally healthy to the point where you'd never find yourself in this kind of situation again. You're worth more than this. Time for you to realize it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Friend, the way you defend her it sounds like your mind is already made up. Everyone has told you to run, not because were angry people but because she has been cheating on you the entire time you've been with her. She's cheating with a married friend who she even left you for but came back after a month. Think about it friend, if she gets hit on all the time and she has already proven that she will act on the attention of men single or married if she thinks she can get away with it guess what you can expect for the rest of your time with her? If your mind is already made up why are you asking us for our opinion? You won't listen to it anyway. Have you made her get tested for STD's, has to be done and you need to be there so she feels the humiliation. Maybe that will be a future deterrent. If she will accept a post nuptial do it because I will guarantee you the next time she leaves you for another man she will take everything she can to build her new nest. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Jack, I will try opt be gentle here. She came back to you because the other guy is married and decided to stay with his wife and if you have ANY sense the first thing you will do is tell his wife. AND DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT. You will find out very quickly where her head is at. If she gets furious with you, it will be because she is more concerned about him than you and because if his wife knows everything it is less likely she can renew her affair with him. If she really is telling you any truth, she will be happy you are doing what is right. And by the way, it is the morally right thing to tell his wife what a creep she is living with so she can make an informed decision. If she already knows, then that is the reason your wife is back and the only reason. You mention having a child with this woman. If you really really want to mess up your entire life just go right ahead and have a child with a woman who has been cheating on you most of your marriage. If doing that makes sense to you, you are really in a fog worse than she is. Your wife is a sick puppy and you are going to be one sorry guy if you don't ask your therapist how to get you out of this dependency on her that is allowing her to run over you like a truck. Now it sounds like you are going to ignore what every single person has told you so I am not sure any advice is going to sink in. If you stay with this woman, you might want to read up on open marriage because that is where you are headed without even suspecting it. And you better get used to her dating other men because that ain't going to stop. And eventually she will meet one who is single or divorced and that will be it for you. There is absolutely nothing in your story that shows anyone any positive signs for a successful reconciliation. There are a lot of people who have responded to to. Either we are all stupid and crazy or you are in for a world of hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 She's basically been lying to me for over year, going on fake business trips and excuses to see him. His wife found out and told me. If you have ANY sense the first thing you will do is tell his wife. ... And by the way, it is the morally right thing to tell his wife what a creep she is living with so she can make an informed decision. She already knows and she was that told Jack. I agree that Jack's wife only came back, because the OM I guess ultimately chose his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You gave your wife herpes, she and other man were having unprotected sex so he now has herpes and so does his wife! Don't you think his wife should be told because they may want to have another child. She can transmit the infection to the baby through the placenta and if the baby is infected this way it can cause a miscarriage or serious birth defects. Her health is at risk. Correct me if I'm wrong but if your infected and don't tell your sexual partner about it they can have you charged. You may also be at risk financially because they may have cause against you for withholding the information from them. I think it is illegal to withhold that from them. I recommend you talk to a lawyer, protect yourself because as bad as the infidelity is imagine spending the rest of your life paying off the damages of a lawsuit awarded against you to O/M and his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It is not like you are getting 50% of the people here saying that you should work on your marriage. I've been here a long time and I can tell you I've rarely seen such a clear cut case of........RUN!!!! Run man run before it is too late! You sound so needy and dependant upon her. Are you very young? Are you inexperienced in love? Look, you will find another woman. A better one. How could you possibly do worse? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Married 1 year and wife cheated with this dude for over a year. This dude also married . She's basically been lying to me for over year, going on fake business trips and excuses to see him. His wife found out and told me. Your marriage has been a lie from day one, your wife isn't wife material. Best thing you can do for yourself is file for divorce, grieve the loss and move on, never look back. She isn't ready at all to be in a committed marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 The reason so many of us are telling you to RUN, Jack, is because of the little amount of baggage you carry. You may think you are somehow joined to her, but believe me you are not. The longer you stay, the more complicated it gets. She has issues, I doubt you can solve them and there are huge red flags flying here. I think so many of us regret the red flags we ignored or didn't actually see in past relationships, that is why you need to listen now. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You may want to get another professional opinion, talk to a counselor who has infidelity experience. If I didn't know better I'd think that your councilor is seeing a small goldmine in your wife's problems. Friend this is one of the very rare times that both those betrayed and those doing the betraying have given you the same advice, run. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I honestly can't believe what I am reading here. I feel so bad for you jack, this woman is using and abusing your loyalty and kindness. First off, you all need to stop blaming the other man. True, he is partly at fault, but your wife knew what she was doing. This wasn't a one time thing, she was cheating on you for A YEAR. That is 365 days, 52 weeks, 24 hours a day that she was knowingly going behind your back and to say she was in a total fog that whole time? Complete BS! Open your eyes. It sounds as if you are dead set on forgiving her. If you are going to do that she needs to accept whole-heartedly that she made a MISTAKE and that it is her fault. The other man is not married to YOU, she is. She needs to admit that she was wrong, and a horrible wife. She needs to be responsible for her actions and stop blaming others for them. Go to counselling. You need it badly if you're going to work this out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Most of my friends are supportive and they said I should give her a second chance. She also has friends who cheated on their bf/husbands before and it worked out for them. I really need to give her another chance. I'm too weak to let her and go and I know deep down she really loves me. This proves that you are weaving a fantasy tale here. Pretty much no friends, other than swingers, would be supportive of you staying in the marriage. And anyone who would say they "need" to give her a second chance and "I'm too weak to let her and go and I know deep down she really loves me" would never come to a site like LS and ask for advice about this whole mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 And here we are again: the borderline and the co-dependent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I do hope you are monitoring her phone and internet access , this affair could still be going on . Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Just because people you know are fine with the ***** sandwich you don't have to eat it too. If everyone ran off a cliff would you follow them? And by all means DON'T IMPREGNATE HER. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER, DON'T! She's trying to tie you to her! Get individual counseling and an attorney, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 We actually got officially married a year before ie. signed the papers. But had our holiday wedding a year later. We known each other for a year before. She always gets hit on by guys because she is very attractive and she told me it was her moment of weakness. I really can't live without her at this point. I planned my whole life around her. That's if we have a child we can settle down and focus on family life. I don't think she will cheat again if we have a child since the emotional toll would be too great. OP, very sorry for the pain that you must be experiencing right now. You have said some things throughout this thread that are a real cause for concern. You've said you can't live without her, I hope that does not mean you would consider harming yourself if she were to leave you again as she did before. I am not a psychologist, but it sounds like you both have developed a serious co-dependency relationship. OP, you yourself need to get yourself together mentally, emotionally and financially. Your self-esteem has no doubt suffered at the hands of your WW, and it will not improve until you work on yourself. You cannot not possibly begin to be a husband until you get yourself straightened out. Believe me when I tell you this, your WW has zero respect for you right now, if she ever had. As others have told you, she has not changed and never will as long as you are so quick to forgive and forget. I would plead with you to work on getting your own life back on track ASAP. I would also plead with you cut your WW loose and move on with your life. The longer you remain in co-dependency the more you will come to accept it as the norm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 This proves that you are weaving a fantasy tale here. Pretty much no friends, other than swingers, would be supportive of you staying in the marriage. And anyone who would say they "need" to give her a second chance and "I'm too weak to let her and go and I know deep down she really loves me" would never come to a site like LS and ask for advice about this whole mess. I doubt swingers would support this marriage. I know couples that have both an open marriage and another that are swingers. The one thing that is a must in those relationships are trust, honesty and good open communication. Well 0 out of 3 here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 If you think your life is messed up now, wait until you find out she has several other OMs, the child is not yours, and she has you paying alimony and child support, while she has moved one of her OMs into your house, replacing you. You need a clean break, file for D and drive her over to the OM's house so she can live with the OM and his family. She already left you for him. She does not respect you. Respect yourself. Start the 180 and get her out of your life. You may think she is beautiful, but not on the inside. You do not marry someone else while you are having an A with someone else. I hope the OM did not come to your honeymoon location. Sorry, but you need someone new and a counselor to help you see that you are worth more than how she is and has treated you. She can't love you and treat you this way. She is still in the A. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Shall I break up? Wife cheated. Married 1 year and wife cheated with this dude for over a year. This dude also married . She's basically been lying to me for over year, going on fake business trips and excuses to see him. His wife found out and told me. ... OH, of COURSE! (good god, if not you, then who should conduct themselves with enough of a spine to get up and reflexively leave such a bad thing ??) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I don't find any reason why not staying with her when you love her so much. Of course you'll need to cope her future incidents of cheating from time to time, some pain, but she will always come back to you. Where else can she find a husband so tolerant like you? Link to post Share on other sites
familygone Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Once they cheat I don't think you can forgive them.Because you will be wondering everyday if they are still doing it.My ex did the same ,seem too change overnite.Got angry with me ,blamed me .I wasnt perfect either who is.I read the storys on here its the same old same old thing. I loved her too and now I don't trust a another women not saying they are all bad they cant be?Having a daughter is the worst when I see what see has too be put through!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I don't find any reason why not staying with her when you love her so much. Of course you'll need to cope her future incidents of cheating from time to time, some pain, but she will always come back to you. Where else can she find a husband so tolerant like you? It can work for a small percentage of very uniquely qualified people, but he has to be onboard with it, and he has to be ok with being a permanent second class citizen, and he still has to be able to trust that she won't exploit him in other ways. (See harrybrown's post.) That's a lot of contingencies, and frankly the OP doesn't sound like he's equipped to deal. He sounds like a victim waiting to be played. (No offense.) Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) It can work for a small percentage of very uniquely qualified people, but he has to be onboard with it, and he has to be ok with being a permanent second class citizen, and he still has to be able to trust that she won't exploit him in other ways. (See harrybrown's post.) That's a lot of contingencies, and frankly the OP doesn't sound like he's equipped to deal. He sounds like a victim waiting to be played. (No offense.) You're right of course. Now in addition to the statistic, Lets talk about motives and boundaries. OP - Everyone wants to feel wanted, desired, and sometimes we're attracted to other people who are not the one we are married to. So the will and the need exists. What keeps many of us from cheating every wednesday? few reasons... 1. Moral reasons. We want to keep our vows. - She's already proven that when she is charmed by a guy - the moral issue won't stop her. She started her cheating while you were officially getting marry. 2. Lies. We don't like to lie. Well, let's go to the next one because she's obviously has no problem to lie without hesitating. 3. We are afraid to lose our marriage and the family cell, It's a big risk. If you take her back, next time will be much easier for her because she knows how much you love her, and she knows that you are in her pocket. So, if there's an opportunity, Why not take it? You probably think that i'm always against reconciliation after infidelity. NO! I can understand cheating after a long marriage when there is some distance in the R. or i can understand a short temptation supported with a crisis or tence inside R, Or i can even understand when someone's not sure and while cheating. But she cheated for a year, and you are married for a year. It could work if the signs were right. If she had stopped the affair not because his wife found out, but because of her own decision. Or if she came back because she would unconditionally chose to come back, not only because it didn't work out with him (I don't buy her story about her choosing to leave him). Etc... BUT - Who knows?? Edited March 23, 2015 by lolablue17 Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 This thread smells a lot like the BS i stepped in last night while I was walking the dog. If it's not then have you always had such a low opinion of yourself or did your wife take your manhood from you while you were sleeping one night. Dude your married to a slut who what sleeping with another guy for a year!!! This isn't a one night stand, its a year of planning behind your back all the times they hooked up. The reason I think this is one of those made up stories is how much up a big pussy you sound like. You should change your user name to doormat!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jackreacher20144 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I didn't know that herpes can have such a serious effect on the baby. I read on the Internet that the chance is remote . We are actively trying for a kid now . I am 34 years old and I have been looking for my true love and I know she is the one so I can't give up on her so easily. She is repentant and I trust this won't happen again . She has given me her word. The OM wife knows about the affair anyway , she found out and told me. Are their really legal issues with herpes transmission . My wife said he got tested and he does not have it . Im worried about our unborn child. I read only if she has an outbreak that it affects the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 We are actively trying for a kid now. *shakes head 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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