Author MBlair71 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Spoken like a true cheater. Preserve myself, preserve myself, preserve myself! Read the book Not Just Friends. Might wake you up out of your self-absorption. And btw, you're 'in love' with your former girlfriend because SHE IS A FANTASY. You don't even KNOW her. You have an image of this gorgeous, tight, sexy, free and easy 20 year old who rocked your 20 year old (naive) world. You've never seen her vomiting with the flu, sagging breasts after having kids, flabby skin after 20 more years, screaming at her husband for whatever reason, choosing selfish actions to please herself instead of her husband...honestly you have NO IDEA who she really is. She's been 'dating' you these months, putting her best face on for you, keeping you from the truth - probably just like YOU have for her. Whatever problems she took into her marriage, that caused her to LOSE that marriage, she will bring to you. Oh, and you are in what's called affair fog. Once you start an affair, you REWRITE YOUR HISTORY. You conveniently forget that what you're now feeling for your affair partner, you ALSO felt for your wife. But you can't 'really' have felt that for your wife, because that would mean that what you're doing now is WRONG, and your subconscious mind won't let you accept that, so you rewrite history so that you just 'settled' for your marriage because what you really want is your first lover. It's the PEA chemicals that have convinced you you're in 'lurve' and you can't live without her. What you SHOULD be doing is putting all that effort you're putting into wooing your old girlfriend, all that time, all the mental energy, into getting to know your wife again. You don't even seem to CARE about what she's thinking or feeling. I'm disappointed, actually. Read the book His Needs Her Needs together, fill out the questionnaires and share them with each other, start DATING your wife again, spend 15 hours a week with her away from kids/work/chores. You'll be surprised to discover she's actually worth loving. Her husband cheated on her multiple times and left her with three young daughters to raise mostly on her own. That's what caused her to "lose her marriage." We tell each other all the good and all the bad about ourselves, our lives, our histories and trust each other completely. That freedom is one of the best things about this. Your last paragraph is 100% accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Her husband cheated on her multiple times and left her with three young daughters to raise mostly on her own. That's what caused her to "lose her marriage." We tell each other all the good and all the bad about ourselves, our lives, our histories and trust each other completely. That freedom is one of the best things about this. Your last paragraph is 100% accurate. No, actually you can't know that's what caused her problems in her M - that's only what she tells you - it's been YOUR CHOICE to believe her. Same as your W might be telling everyone what a great H you are, but you know it's untrue. You trusting her completely isn't wise - mainly because you have evidence she lies to her H (by keeping your contact (affair) a secret). And sharing all your secrets with her - about your life, wife and M is a complete betrayal to your wife. Why don't you divorce your wife - especially given that you're willing to betray her on such a huge level? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 No, actually you can't know that's what caused her problems in her M - that's only what she tells you - it's been YOUR CHOICE to believe her. Same as your W might be telling everyone what a great H you are, but you know it's untrue. You trusting her completely isn't wise - mainly because you have evidence she lies to her H (by keeping your contact (affair) a secret). And sharing all your secrets with her - about your life, wife and M is a complete betrayal to your wife. Why don't you divorce your wife - especially given that you're willing to betray her on such a huge level? So many ways to say it, Beach, but it doesn't hit the mark. It's hard to argue with rationalizations. “Rationalization is a process of not perceiving reality, but of attempting to make reality fit one’s emotions.” Ayn Rand 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 So many ways to say it, Beach, but it doesn't hit the mark. It's hard to argue with rationalizations. “Rationalization is a process of not perceiving reality, but of attempting to make reality fit one’s emotions.” Ayn Rand I agree. But dang, if that's what he wants to explore then why not divorce so he can do whatever he pleases without pretending to his W like he's working on the M? Counseling and all - what a farce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I agree. But dang, if that's what he wants to explore then why not divorce so he can do whatever he pleases without pretending to his W like he's working on the M? Counseling and all - what a farce. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 She's never been one to play games and isn't starting now. You are BOTH playing games. BOTH pretending like it's child's play. IT MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT. You are BOTH adults. You BOTH need to take full responsibility for this EA which you confess (to us not your poor BW) has the major danger of becoming a PA on your FIRST meeting? Man this IS a train wreck. You've got full control and still driving it off the cliff. Your decision. Be the man, leave your wife. Go to OW. You'll soon find out how cleverly manipulative she is NOW. Maybe her SO will also find out. If she's such a catch I'm positive he would have made a move to secure her in 9 long years! How about you have a long chat with him! I bet your fantasy woman flies right back to the 80s to stay after that convo. This is craziness. Pure injustice to more innocent BWs and children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 (a) I know what she looks like now and we both know how much time has passed. A physical meeting has not happened partially because we are 300 miles apart and arranging it without either of us being caught is very difficult, and partially because of the risk that an EA turns into a PA. (b) For more than a year? She's never been one to play games and isn't starting now. it's got nothing to do with knowing how she looks. There are some things about a person that one can only find out when they meet face to face. Yes, she certainly could be doing this for more than a year. Given how deep you are in right now, it's obviously working. Think about it. You say she won't meet you because she doesn't want to hurt your marriage, yet she knows that all the contact is hurting your marriage. Why is she not putting a stop to that? The simple truth is she doesn't care one bit about your marriage, she just wants what she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Her husband cheated on her multiple times and left her with three young daughters to raise mostly on her own. That's what caused her to "lose her marriage." We tell each other all the good and all the bad about ourselves, our lives, our histories and trust each other completely. That freedom is one of the best things about this. Your last paragraph is 100% accurate. And right now, she is involved in an emotional affair, which makes both of you just like her husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Hell, you could be being catfished, and about to lose your marriage and family and money for nothing. Catfish: The TV Show (Series) Episode Guide - Watch Full Episodes Free - MTV Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I agree. But dang, if that's what he wants to explore then why not divorce so he can do whatever he pleases without pretending to his W like he's working on the M? Counseling and all - what a farce. Op, how does a man with career, wife, kids, MC and a supposed re-commitment to his marriage find time for these 2-4 hour phone calls with the OW? Does the wife think you're out walking the dog ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author MBlair71 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Op, how does a man with career, wife, kids, MC and a supposed re-commitment to his marriage find time for these 2-4 hour phone calls with the OW? Does the wife think you're out walking the dog ??? Mr. Lucky I travel overnight for work every few months. That's when we have our marathon conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 So you hadn't seen or heard from her for 30 years. At even now, you only talk to her at length once every few months. And for this, the romantic holy grail she somehow represents, if you could you'd walk away from a loving wife and dependent children??? I'll just say I don't get it. The path you're on seems so delusional it's almost hard to give you rational feedback. Guess I'll just you you get some clarity in whatever course you choose. Hope you keep posting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author MBlair71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 So you hadn't seen or heard from her for 30 years. At even now, you only talk to her at length once every few months. And for this, the romantic holy grail she somehow represents, if you could you'd walk away from a loving wife and dependent children??? I'll just say I don't get it. The path you're on seems so delusional it's almost hard to give you rational feedback. Guess I'll just you you get some clarity in whatever course you choose. Hope you keep posting... Mr. Lucky It isn't rational. If it was, we would have gotten over each other in a matter of months and become part of each other's history. I feel no compulsion to reconnect with any other relationships from before my marriage. But this one never ended emotionally for either of us. I do think if we were both available at this point we could and would be together and happy. But we're not. OTOH, we're not ready to part forever yet. So if it's a conversation every month or two or some emails or texts, or whatever, that will have to suffice until we decide how it will all play out. The feedback I've gotten here is completely rational, the EA is not. The emotions are still too overwhelming to abandon. But there is no intention to walk away from my family either. Believe me, I wish I could find a way to forget this, it's exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 It isn't rational. If it was, we would have gotten over each other in a matter of months and become part of each other's history. I feel no compulsion to reconnect with any other relationships from before my marriage. But this one never ended emotionally for either of us. I do think if we were both available at this point we could and would be together and happy. But we're not. OTOH, we're not ready to part forever yet. So if it's a conversation every month or two or some emails or texts, or whatever, that will have to suffice until we decide how it will all play out. The feedback I've gotten here is completely rational, the EA is not. The emotions are still too overwhelming to abandon. But there is no intention to walk away from my family either. Believe me, I wish I could find a way to forget this, it's exhausting. Your MC is a waste of money for he is condoning that you lie to your BW. To hide behind that your BW hired him is the you giving a false reason to not fire him. You lying is proof of what you are doing is wrong. You are having an EA. Stop now before it becomes a PA. You went looking for trouble when you searched for your OW. You must block her and go NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl6118 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 The feedback I've gotten here is completely rational, the EA is not. The emotions are still too overwhelming to abandon. But there is no intention to walk away from my family either. Believe me, I wish I could find a way to forget this, it's exhausting. mBlair, I empathize and wish you will make better choices in the future. I say this becuase I care: The above is self-justifying, rationalizing bull****. No emotion is too overwhelming to abandon. You know this from substance abuse. Brother, you are using, you've just found a way to trigger your own biochemistry for a high. You will get over this addiction the same way you got over the other. Its not impossible, its not too powerful, you just haven't hit bottom yet. Pray to God when you do it does not cost you everything you really value but presently are too deep in the hole to see. You want a way to forget this? Tell your wife the entire truth about your feelings and actions, express remorse for your lies in MC, and offer to do whatever you need to do to help her feel safe and whole and loved again. You get over it by reclaiming your integrity and with it a shred of self-respect. You could do it today. You just choose not to. That is on you, brother, and that blot on your soul will stay and stain you and make your soul ugly and damaging to others as well as yourself until you choose differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I do think if we were both available at this point we could and would be together and happy. Let's do the math: 30-year old memories + a few phone/text contacts with AP = enough to affirm future happiness. 30 years of standing by and loving you by BW + shared family history = not enough satisfaction to get your commitment. What does that say about you ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MBlair71 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Let's do the math: 30-year old memories + a few phone/text contacts with AP = enough to affirm future happiness. 30 years of standing by and loving you by BW + shared family history = not enough satisfaction to get your commitment. What does that say about you ??? Mr. Lucky Nothing good. I'm not wearing the white hat here. Again, nothing about this is logical. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Nothing good. I'm not wearing the white hat here. No you're not. But there is a chance for you to jump from the car before it goes over the cliff. Like so many WS's, your focus is on your own validation. The idea of this "first love" has, for reasons that have nothing to do with her (how could they, haven't seen her for three decades?), become your delivery method of choice for happiness. And that's about as cowardly as it gets for two reasons: 1). Your wife has been found wanting for not competing in a contest she doesn't know she's in. 2). Healthy adults take responsibility for creating and appreciating their own happiness. Is this deceptive con the way you're going to define the rest of your life? Doesn't pass the happiness smell test, at least to me. YMMV... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 What is your point of going to marriage counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
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