In EA with long-lost first love

[Mr. Lucky]

Given that you feel this way, I don't understand why you do not leave your wife to be with her. I am not being insincere; I really mean it. Having been the wife in this situation, I can tell you that your wife can sense what you feel and consciously or not, your feelings will erode away at her self esteem.

 

Given that below happened, I'd guess his wife has more than just a sense of what's going on...

 

My wife discovered what has been happening in November, by accident, after seeing FL’s text messages coming in (out of state number). I minimized things as much aspossible, telling her it was platonic and FL and I were not still in love…she seems to believe this, but is skeptical enough to have insisted on MC, which we have done and is ongoing.

 

Mr. Lucky

[KingwoodMan]

You're teetering on the edge of ruining your life. I really hope you do the right thing. You need to nip this bad behavior in the bud right now before it's too late. Nip it.

[Steen719]

Given that below happened, I'd guess his wife has more than just a sense of what's going on...

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, I get that, but he thinks she believes him, or is trying to believe his lies and her insecurity over worrying about it (hence insisting on MC, which is obviously a sham) is going to eat at her. I know - unfortunately I've been there, too. I tried to believe my XH and of course he was looking me straight in the eye and telling me she was just an old GF and they were just friends and blah, blah. Same crap OP is dishing out. By the time I got to the bottom of it, I was very low on self-esteem. I mean, not only did he do it, but I felt so bad about myself for trying so hard to believe him and keep my family together, not to mention how finding out that your husband of 22 years wished he was with an old love and not you. UGH I just cannot understand this level of subterfuge with someone you share a life with.

 

Cowards.

[Mr. Lucky]

UGH I just cannot understand this level of subterfuge with someone you share a life with.

 

Cowards.

 

I'd guess she feels as you'd described, torn between trusting her gut instinct and her loyalty to a husband of 30 years. And if she believes the worst, it means her entire adult life has been a sham.

 

If my wife ran off with our personal trainer, I'd say "what is she thinking"?

 

If she ran off with her FL/old BF, Id say "what has she been thinking all these years"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Originally Posted by MBlair71

My wife discovered what has been happening in November, by accident, after seeing FL’s text messages coming in (out of state number). I minimized things as much aspossible, telling her it was platonic and FL and I were not still in love…she seems to believe this, but is skeptical enough to have insisted on MC, which we have done and is ongoing.

 

You pay for counseling yet you aren't honest about what you're doing - doing behind your wife's back and the counselor too?

 

 

You may as well throw your money down the toilet.

 

Why not just save it for the immanent divorce?

[beach]

Great question. I've been trying to figure this out for a long time. My best explanation is that we were each other's first loves, not necessarily first relationships, but first all-out, head over heels, unforgettable, once in a lifetime loves. That did not end when the relationship did, and I think it wound up being a love that was interrupted for all that time and when we found each other, it picked up where it left off. Now after a year, we've shared our histories and lives and gotten to know each other in the present and still feel as strongly as we did when we were together-and we still have our memories too. We spoke last night for an hour and a half and could have gone twice as long at least. We don't run out of things to say and I still feel like I'm rediscovering her every time we talk. It's very powerful-and bittersweet at the same time.

 

But you couldn't possibly really know someone when 30 years has passed and not seen them.

 

She's not the same person you once knew. All her experiences in life have changed who she used to be. Same as you.

 

You have this fantasy of who she used to be - but you're not seeing the real life version of who she has become now.

 

Your "fog" has blinded you - and affected your ability to reason properly.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Beach...EXACTLY! You hit the nail on the head.

 

The only thing you can "be in love with" is the idea of being in love.

 

You are not the same and neither is she....and quite frankly...the both of you are not upstanding citizens right now.

 

I truly think you need to reevaluate what you are doing....because it is most likely a huge mistake.

 

You may be sacrificing your family only to suffer tremendous disappointment.

 

I ask you again...is this worth a lifetime ? Because that is exactly what you will give up. Your children will probably hate you for this....

I cannot even express the words to describe what you are doing to your poor wife.

 

This is the ultimate act of selfishness....and terribly sad.

[elaine567]

There is a huge emotional connection here, a person cannot spend hours and hours on the phone with someone they are not connected to.

I get the " first love" and I get the rediscovery, I get the exciement, I get the longing. I guess if left to its own devices this love affair you have with your FL may work out well or it may just fizzle out. Who knows?

 

What I do not get is the sham MC and staying with the wife, when the real attraction is obviously elsewhere.

Your wife may be getting her trust back, but for what?

She is at the moment in MC merely learning how to cope with trusting the untrustworthy.

 

Personally I feel if you love this woman as you say you do, then let your wife go find happiness elsewhere and for you to pursue this " love affair" to its conclusion.

Otherwise you end up resentful and bitter in a marrage you have essentially checked out of, full of regret to your dying day having never had the courage to do what you really want to do with your FL.

 

Your wife will be hurting, I guess she knows exactly how you feel and is just going through the motions, petrified you will leave and living every day under stress and worry.

Let her go, her trust in you has been undermined, big time. How are you ever going to truly get that back when everyday you are living a lie and she, I guess knows it.

I think that after 33 years of you loving your FL, your wife deserves to try and find someone who loves her and her alone.

[beach]

Tell your wife and counselor your truth.

 

Get honest.

 

Then you can go be with the fantasy of your long lost love. Be ready - reality of all the years that have passed changes everyone immensely.

[MBlair71]

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to post, especially those who have been/are in my position, or my wife's position, or my FL's position. I should emphasize how astonished and shocked I was at the realization that my FL felt as I did for all of this time, because I truly thought contacting her would provide some kind of reality check and/or closure to this entire thing and if anything, allow me to finally move on. In my wildest dreams I did not imagine she had been harboring the same feelings for decades. This is an explanation, not a defense, I know I am not acting honorably. Our contact has been diminishing over the past six months and there are many reasons we almost certainly will not wind up together. Coming to terms with that is my biggest issue.

[Mr. Lucky]

In my wildest dreams I did not imagine she had been harboring the same feelings for decades.

 

Her aside, what does this sentence say about you ?

 

While partnering with a spouse whom you profess to love - and whom you don't seem to doubt loves you - and growing a family and life together, you were willing to leave a substantial emotional part of you back in the 1980's?

 

These feelings only persist over 30 years of NC if you nurture them. And that means investing in this fantasy energy that, had it gone into your marriage, might have prevented this from happening. Since you always gave yourself this out, you made this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

This is just the online equivalent of the guy hanging out in bars telling women "my wife doesn't understand me"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to post, especially those who have been/are in my position, or my wife's position, or my FL's position. I should emphasize how astonished and shocked I was at the realization that my FL felt as I did for all of this time, because I truly thought contacting her would provide some kind of reality check and/or closure to this entire thing and if anything, allow me to finally move on. In my wildest dreams I did not imagine she had been harboring the same feelings for decades. This is an explanation, not a defense, I know I am not acting honorably. Our contact has been diminishing over the past six months and there are many reasons we almost certainly will not wind up together. Coming to terms with that is my biggest issue.

 

Please refer to her as your OW - that's what she is since you are participating in the affair.

[beach]

Now she's somebody that you USED TO know...

 

Doesn't mean you know her now. You only know what she tells you.

[Try]

I should emphasize how astonished and shocked I was at the realization that my FL felt as I did for all of this time, because I truly thought contacting her would provide some kind of reality check and/or closure to this entire thing and if anything, allow me to finally move on.

You stated in your first post on this thread that your FL "is in a nine year LTR that is going nowhere, never finished college and is struggling financially", and you are "astonished and shocked" that she would tell you what you want to hear in trying to steal you away from your wife? Get real. At this point in her life she does not have a lot of good options, and you are the best thing that she has a shot at. When you look at her, you see a long lost love from when she and you were both young. When other men look at her, they see a middle aged, uneducated woman, that is financially strapped, and is morally questionable enough to be willing to have an affair with a married man. Truthfully, if you are going to leave your wife, you could do better.

[beach]

Have you given her any money since you've reconnected?

 

If so, how much?

[Lion Heart]

We met in college in 1981, I was 22 and she was 19. Head over heels in love within weeks, I knewI had found the love of my life as had she. I never even suspected it was possible to be that happy. Unfortunately,both of us were kind of immature and directionless, also I had some problems with drinking and drugs. We were together 2 ½ years, much of that long distance and her family opposed the relationship and sabotaged it at every turn. But our feelings never diminished. I blamed myself when it ended, but never forgot her. About eight months after the breakup, she called me out of the blue and we were an hour into the conversation, with hopes building up for a reconciliation in my mind, when she dropped the bomb that she was engaged. The bottom fell out of my world and the next year was spent in a self-destructive haze that ended in rehab

 

I never heard from her again after that phone call and always assumed she had forgotten me long ago and was living a contented life. I got married in 1990 and have two teenage daughters and have generally been happy, but never really had the blinding, over the top passion and emotion I did with my FL. I thought of her over the years and wondered,sometimes often, other times once in a while. I didn’t know her married name soresearching her was problematic….I would occasionally try other ways, but never came up with anything. Part of me knew even trying was asking for trouble, but I got more curious over time and wanted to know how things had turned out for her.

 

About a year and a half ago, I came across her sister’s FB page and saw a comment on one of her posts by someone with same last name as my FL. Her name is just unusual enough so that I realized I had hit pay dirt, but the FB page it linked to had no pictures. Until I looked at her friends,and came across a picture of a young woman who was the spitting image of my FL at 20…her daughter. My heart stopped. The daughter had a different last name than my FL, so I realized she must be divorced at least once. Having her name allowed additional research, I was able to find where she lived and worked. But the most amazing thing, which I still can’t believe, is that she was living in the same city as I was living (and still am) for 12 years, from the late 80s through late 90s-and neither of us ever knew.

 

I sat on the info for more than six months, part of me dying to contact her, the other part afraid to. A little over a year ago, I got an email that she was on my Linked in page, because she had seen that I visited hers. Rationalizing that she knew I was looking, I emailed her. And so it started. That day we caught up with each other's histories tentatively. The next day we talked on the phone for the first time in thirty years. Whether I die tomorrow or in fifty years, I will never forget that conversation. Bottom line, she was still in love with me and had never forgotten…she thought I had left her behind long ago as well, and we both realized this simultaneously. But almost immediately both of us knew anything that happened between us put my marriage in danger. She is divorced for 16 years, because the guy she married instead of me cheated on her multiple times and left her with three daughters to raise without much help.

 

We almost stopped it before it started. Maybe that would have been best, but wecouldn’t pull it off, the emotions were indescribable. And still are. Long story short, a year later we are still in touch. We are 300 miles apart and that is probably the only reason it has not turned into a PA. That and the fact that her divorce so devastated her that she doesn’t want to be the person to end another marriage. She is in a nine year LTR that is going nowhere, never finished college and is struggling financially. We have been in more or less constant contact, especially in the first months, and when we are able to arrange it, can have four and five hour phone conversations. My wife discovered what has been happening in November, by accident, after seeing FL’s text messages coming in (out of state number). I minimized things as much aspossible, telling her it was platonic and FL and I were not still in love…she seems to believe this, but is skeptical enough to have insisted on MC, which we have done and is ongoing.

 

My problem is that I am still completely hooked on my FL and think of her constantly. I recognize the self-destructiveness of this and how unfair it is to my family, but that seems to make little difference. FL feels the same way, but has pulled back somewhat in recent months, partially because of my wife’s awareness, partially because of numerous family and career issues. We are not happy apart but being together would be a years-long earthquake that would hurt a lot of people and not be a certain success.

 

I’ve lurked on this site for a few weeks and it looks like the members have seen everything…I welcome anyone’s thoughts. Thanks.

 

Blair, I really feel for you. I'm surprised I'm sympathising with you because you are actually lying to and cheating on your wife. You know this and this is the struggle you're having. I guess you also know that if you were a single man, you would immediately be with OW / FL.

 

BECAUSE you are struggling now and have done for years over FL and now she's in the picture more than ever in your marriage, plus the fact that IF YOUR WIFE knew the truth, your M would be over. I think you know your commitment to your wife WILL ALWAYS be challenged, forever until FL dies and even then you'd grieve the loss of her breathing somewhere on this planet.

 

IF you're 150% willing to go NC in every possible way (no searching ever again) with OW, then your marriage has a small chance of surviving this and regenerating. You sound like a loving and caring man. You need to ask yourself the VERY hardball questions: do you want to go on actively loving another woman other than your wife? Do you want to leave your wife and DDs and your somewhat "secure" family to chase a dream? Can you go absolutely NC forever with OW? I even think this is pertinent; how would you feel living with and raising 3 children that are not your own whilst your children are fatherless?

These are realities you face.

 

Now for the other side. I am a recently betrayed wife. My WH and I are still together trying to rejuvenate our marriage and commitment to each other. His A was with a woman he would never have chosen for a real life partner. No love. No future. Just "flesh".

My D Day devastated our whole family. WH parents. Our 5 children.

 

This has been the worst thing I've ever been through, and I've been through ALOT before then.

 

YET, I am SO GRATEFUL for the truth. So grateful. My WH OW outed the A for her own selfish reasons that backfired on her. Your OW is not like that. She respects your M somewhat but not enough. Both you and her are being selfish but sometimes these long held feelings are just too strong to hold back.

 

Still, if my WH had EXACTLY the SAME scenario playing out for him, that he was in an EA with the love of his life? I WOULD WANT TO KNOW.

Ofcourse my world would be shattered but the truth is foundational to living in a good marriage. I would NOT want my WH to torture himself over this. I would NOT want to keep him shackled to me AT ALL. If he didn't love me MORE than any other woman, then I would most definitely NOT want to continue a farce of a marriage. Not for anything. Ever.

I WOULD WANT TO BE RELEASED TO FIND A MAN WHO WANTED ME MORE THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN.

 

You owe your BS the truth.

 

As far as your MC is concerned, I completely agree with a previous poster who said he is an "enabler of lies and deception" to your BW AND your marriage. He should be disgusted in himself. What rot. Keep it to yourself? UNBELIEVABLE. I would go so far to say that he's making BIG BUCKS from HIS type of MC! Similar to lawyers who play clients off each other to make more money. He's a charlatan. He's promoted lies and deception to save a "marriage" where one partner may NEVER end his EA and keep his BW in misery always wondering why she can't make you happy? Insane.

 

I do feel for you, somewhat. You really should have controlled your urges to stalk OW in any way. You haven't, so you're now in a situation of your own creation. Ofcourse you're "confused" you did this to yourself. The very FAIREST thing for you to do is out your feelings to your BW. Give her the house, generous alimony and child support (almost as though you never left financially) then go to OW.

 

I predict things will not go well if you "try" to stay in your M because you won't go NC with OW. Or you will live with OW and enjoy the "make up for lost time sex" for while, hope her WH didn't give her a range of STDs and be struggling to support 3 more children.

 

Reality bites real hard in these situations.

 

Be careful what you focus on.

 

Lion Heart.

[Darren Steez]

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to post, especially those who have been/are in my position, or my wife's position, or my FL's position. I should emphasize how astonished and shocked I was at the realization that my FL felt as I did for all of this time, because I truly thought contacting her would provide some kind of reality check and/or closure to this entire thing and if anything, allow me to finally move on. In my wildest dreams I did not imagine she had been harboring the same feelings for decades. This is an explanation, not a defense, I know I am not acting honorably. Our contact has been diminishing over the past six months and there are many reasons we almost certainly will not wind up together. Coming to terms with that is my biggest issue.

 

Oh please man. Really?

 

Excuse me while I play a little fiddle.

 

It's so hard, I can't do this, I can't let go. You're in love with a mirage. I certainly hope you and her do get together. The truth is you're not going to leave your wife for her, you're not going to start looking after 3 other children plus your own.

 

Keep playing your wife. You're in for a rude awakening.

[MBlair71]

Have you given her any money since you've reconnected?

 

If so, how much?

 

 

No, she hasn't asked and would have been hurt and insulted if I offered.

[MBlair71]

Blair, I really feel for you. I'm surprised I'm sympathising with you because you are actually lying to and cheating on your wife. You know this and this is the struggle you're having. I guess you also know that if you were a single man, you would immediately be with OW / FL.

 

BECAUSE you are struggling now and have done for years over FL and now she's in the picture more than ever in your marriage, plus the fact that IF YOUR WIFE knew the truth, your M would be over. I think you know your commitment to your wife WILL ALWAYS be challenged, forever until FL dies and even then you'd grieve the loss of her breathing somewhere on this planet.

 

IF you're 150% willing to go NC in every possible way (no searching ever again) with OW, then your marriage has a small chance of surviving this and regenerating. You sound like a loving and caring man. You need to ask yourself the VERY hardball questions: do you want to go on actively loving another woman other than your wife? Do you want to leave your wife and DDs and your somewhat "secure" family to chase a dream? Can you go absolutely NC forever with OW? I even think this is pertinent; how would you feel living with and raising 3 children that are not your own whilst your children are fatherless?

These are realities you face.

 

Now for the other side. I am a recently betrayed wife. My WH and I are still together trying to rejuvenate our marriage and commitment to each other. His A was with a woman he would never have chosen for a real life partner. No love. No future. Just "flesh".

My D Day devastated our whole family. WH parents. Our 5 children.

 

This has been the worst thing I've ever been through, and I've been through ALOT before then.

 

YET, I am SO GRATEFUL for the truth. So grateful. My WH OW outed the A for her own selfish reasons that backfired on her. Your OW is not like that. She respects your M somewhat but not enough. Both you and her are being selfish but sometimes these long held feelings are just too strong to hold back.

 

Still, if my WH had EXACTLY the SAME scenario playing out for him, that he was in an EA with the love of his life? I WOULD WANT TO KNOW.

Ofcourse my world would be shattered but the truth is foundational to living in a good marriage. I would NOT want my WH to torture himself over this. I would NOT want to keep him shackled to me AT ALL. If he didn't love me MORE than any other woman, then I would most definitely NOT want to continue a farce of a marriage. Not for anything. Ever.

I WOULD WANT TO BE RELEASED TO FIND A MAN WHO WANTED ME MORE THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN.

 

You owe your BS the truth.

 

As far as your MC is concerned, I completely agree with a previous poster who said he is an "enabler of lies and deception" to your BW AND your marriage. He should be disgusted in himself. What rot. Keep it to yourself? UNBELIEVABLE. I would go so far to say that he's making BIG BUCKS from HIS type of MC! Similar to lawyers who play clients off each other to make more money. He's a charlatan. He's promoted lies and deception to save a "marriage" where one partner may NEVER end his EA and keep his BW in misery always wondering why she can't make you happy? Insane.

 

I do feel for you, somewhat. You really should have controlled your urges to stalk OW in any way. You haven't, so you're now in a situation of your own creation. Ofcourse you're "confused" you did this to yourself. The very FAIREST thing for you to do is out your feelings to your BW. Give her the house, generous alimony and child support (almost as though you never left financially) then go to OW.

 

I predict things will not go well if you "try" to stay in your M because you won't go NC with OW. Or you will live with OW and enjoy the "make up for lost time sex" for while, hope her WH didn't give her a range of STDs and be struggling to support 3 more children.

 

Reality bites real hard in these situations.

 

Be careful what you focus on.

 

Lion Heart.

 

 

A couple of points.....her divorce was in 1999, so should we wind up having "make up for lost time sex", I doubt the ex's STDs would come into play. Also, her kids are between 22-28, so I wouldn't be raising them, she's already done that, and done a good job without much help.

 

 

The rest of your post is spot on.

[MBlair71]

You stated in your first post on this thread that your FL "is in a nine year LTR that is going nowhere, never finished college and is struggling financially", and you are "astonished and shocked" that she would tell you what you want to hear in trying to steal you away from your wife? Get real. At this point in her life she does not have a lot of good options, and you are the best thing that she has a shot at. When you look at her, you see a long lost love from when she and you were both young. When other men look at her, they see a middle aged, uneducated woman, that is financially strapped, and is morally questionable enough to be willing to have an affair with a married man. Truthfully, if you are going to leave your wife, you could do better.

 

You've missed the whole point. I'm not looking "to do better." If not for FL, I would be more than content with my current lot. I do not see her as any random stranger does or might. If her objective was to take me away from my wife, she's going about it in a strange way. She's discouraged any attempts I've made to arrange a face to face meeting and from day one has always said our contact shouldn't get to the point of threatening my marriage.

[thummper]

Well, at least one of you has some scruples!

[beach]

Our contact has been diminishing over the past six months and there are many reasons we almost certainly will not wind up together. Coming to terms with that is my biggest issue.

 

 

So really - are you saying you're "settling for" your W?

[turnera]

if it is genuinely over and we are able to go forward, is that better than having her go through what would be months if not years of emotional pain by revealing something this devastating?

 

Spoken like a true cheater. Preserve myself, preserve myself, preserve myself!

 

Read the book Not Just Friends. Might wake you up out of your self-absorption.

 

And btw, you're 'in love' with your former girlfriend because SHE IS A FANTASY. You don't even KNOW her. You have an image of this gorgeous, tight, sexy, free and easy 20 year old who rocked your 20 year old (naive) world. You've never seen her vomiting with the flu, sagging breasts after having kids, flabby skin after 20 more years, screaming at her husband for whatever reason, choosing selfish actions to please herself instead of her husband...honestly you have NO IDEA who she really is. She's been 'dating' you these months, putting her best face on for you, keeping you from the truth - probably just like YOU have for her.

 

Whatever problems she took into her marriage, that caused her to LOSE that marriage, she will bring to you.

 

Oh, and you are in what's called affair fog. Once you start an affair, you REWRITE YOUR HISTORY. You conveniently forget that what you're now feeling for your affair partner, you ALSO felt for your wife. But you can't 'really' have felt that for your wife, because that would mean that what you're doing now is WRONG, and your subconscious mind won't let you accept that, so you rewrite history so that you just 'settled' for your marriage because what you really want is your first lover. It's the PEA chemicals that have convinced you you're in 'lurve' and you can't live without her.

 

What you SHOULD be doing is putting all that effort you're putting into wooing your old girlfriend, all that time, all the mental energy, into getting to know your wife again. You don't even seem to CARE about what she's thinking or feeling. I'm disappointed, actually. Read the book His Needs Her Needs together, fill out the questionnaires and share them with each other, start DATING your wife again, spend 15 hours a week with her away from kids/work/chores. You'll be surprised to discover she's actually worth loving.

[truncated]

You've missed the whole point. I'm not looking "to do better." If not for FL, I would be more than content with my current lot. I do not see her as any random stranger does or might. If her objective was to take me away from my wife, she's going about it in a strange way. She's discouraged any attempts I've made to arrange a face to face meeting and from day one has always said our contact shouldn't get to the point of threatening my marriage.

 

 

Wow...are you ever in deep to her machinations

 

She won't meet face to face with you because she doesn't want to do anything to hurt your marriage, buuuuuutttttt...she'll spend hours texting, talking and chatting with you?

 

Seriously, did you just fall of a turnip truck?

 

If she just wanted friendship and to not hurt your marriage, she would end your relationship right now, as she knows it's heading into dangerous territory- otherwise, why the risk in meeting you?

 

Either one of two things is going on:

( a) she doesn't want to see you because she likes that you have this fantasy memory of you and she doesn't want to burst the bubble when you meet her and see her as she is now

 

(b) She is playing the old game of hard to get. She's getting you all worked up wanting something you can't have, until she lets you

[MBlair71]

Wow...are you ever in deep to her machinations

 

She won't meet face to face with you because she doesn't want to do anything to hurt your marriage, buuuuuutttttt...she'll spend hours texting, talking and chatting with you?

 

Seriously, did you just fall of a turnip truck?

 

If she just wanted friendship and to not hurt your marriage, she would end your relationship right now, as she knows it's heading into dangerous territory- otherwise, why the risk in meeting you?

 

Either one of two things is going on:

( a) she doesn't want to see you because she likes that you have this fantasy memory of you and she doesn't want to burst the bubble when you meet her and see her as she is now

 

(b) She is playing the old game of hard to get. She's getting you all worked up wanting something you can't have, until she lets you

 

 

(a) I know what she looks like now and we both know how much time has passed. A physical meeting has not happened partially because we are 300 miles apart and arranging it without either of us being caught is very difficult, and partially because of the risk that an EA turns into a PA.

 

 

(b) For more than a year? She's never been one to play games and isn't starting now.