Author lisbon67 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Aliveagain...I'm sorry to say this.. but in my experiences in Ukraine. .I've found that a lot of women use sex as a bargaining counter. .I think it is in the culture...women here have used this in this country for a long time.. even before I met my wife I was quite amazed...women in nightclubs and bars are not strictly 'prostitutes '....They are normal girls who go out on a night out...but if they go with someone they expect to have some financial pay back...They are not really prostitutes as such...They have normal low paid jobs during the day...but if they have liason with western man..They want some money....my wife was only in my country for a few months when she had this affair..I'm quite sure paid pr visit ..old habits die hard....I'm sorry to be so cynical...but I think it's true
BetrayedH Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 cheers aliveagain and BetrayedH ...I think you've both clarified this for me... the 180 is great...but making me follow this...and I am.doing so...gives me the feeling that she is winning....I'm being so nice to her just now...hurting like mad inside and still following the 180...how to control the urges to be angry. ..but no point...she won't open up anyway..as you both say..The strategy can work for me...without me feeling that she thinks I'm still interested in a reconciliation. ..will keep working on it.. We re talking tonight...but I'm. Stuggling to keep the 180... It's difficult to avoid trying to "win." On the other hand, some say that the best revenge is a life well-lived. The reality is that you cannot control what your wife will do. She may decide she regrets this path that she's on or she may continue her prostituting ways. The trick for you is to no longer care. If she no longer respects you or the marriage enough to be in it with both feet, then you will not be investing in it either. You don't have to be nice; you don't have to be mean. You really just basically disregard her at this point other than what communication is necessary to dissolve the marriage. Contact should be minimal. I am still raising two children with my exwife. Almost all of my communication with her is done by email. If something is more urgent (I'm running late to drop off the kids or one of them needs doctor care), then I'll send a text. I almost never speak to her by phone and I only see her once a week at drop-off (and those conversations are only brief - 5-minute updates). I don't care or ask about her life and I don't engage in conversations about my life. I am moving on and doing it without her. I recommend you take care of your own business. Cook your own meals, do your own laundry, separate bank accounts and pay your own bills, get involved with activities that take you away from her. Get independent and show strength. Don't do it to be more attractive to her. Do it for yourself and your sense of self-respect and self-pride. I bet you'll find that it's attractive to others as well. Did she win? I suppose so. She betrayed me and I can't go back in time to thwart those efforts. Your wife did, too. Showing my anger doesn't change that and just shows that she still holds enough power over me to make me angry. Screw that. My exwife no longer holds that ability. She's irrelevant. Much like a coworker that I dislike, I'll partner with her where it is required and I'll be courteous. But there's otherwise no niceties and no emotional investment.
drifter777 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 The list that BetrayedH gave you on the 180 are simply examples. If you simply work to follow these examples - like they are rules - you are NOT doing the 180. As a couple posters have told you, the 180 is NOT a strategy. It is NOT something you do in order to get your cheating wife back. It is, more than anything else, the state of mind you must reach in order to survive the situation you are stuck in. If you don't want to be married to a wife who has cheated and, possibly, still cheating then you need to divorce her. You need to come to the conclusion that staying with her is not an option because it is too painful, humiliating, and disgusting. So you decide to take the path of divorce - this is the 180. When you turn your back on her and your marriage because of what she has done and walk away. See a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Find a counselor so you can have someone to help you work through this. What this tells her is that what she is doing is unacceptable. That her refusal to end her cheating and/or demonstrate remorse and a willingness to do anything to make this up to you has forced you to leave her for good. Yes, at this point she may come crying and begging for a second chance. If that happens you will have to decide whether you want to go through all of the pain and frustration of trying to reconcile or just go forward with the divorce. No matter what, you are the one in control of your life and you are moving forward to heal and make yourself a better life. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 ....thanks betrayedH, drifter and aliveagain....I understand totally what you are explaining about the 180...I am going to push through with divorce. ..her affair now disgusts me...and I'm feeling that way about her now...I won't be horrible to her...but I see someone else now ..probably for the first time... I feel total disrespect for her when I look at her now...will respond in more detail later. And good luck betrayedH...looks like you've had a hard story too but coping very well
LifesontheUp Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I was with my XH for 18 yrs and even though I wanted divorce I too was worried about being on my own. But slowly I began to realise that I liked it and thought I would be on my own forever. I was content with that. Then I met my husband. What I am saying is that there is life out there and you will be fine. Enjoy your friends and family and take up some new hobbies. 2
BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 ....thanks betrayedH, drifter and aliveagain....I understand totally what you are explaining about the 180...I am going to push through with divorce. ..her affair now disgusts me...and I'm feeling that way about her now...I won't be horrible to her...but I see someone else now ..probably for the first time... I feel total disrespect for her when I look at her now...will respond in more detail later. And good luck betrayedH...looks like you've had a hard story too but coping very well It took me a LONG time to see my wife for who she really is, rather than who I had wanted her to be. And I had pretty desperately wanted her to be that person who had simply made a tragic mistake. But the reality is that she wasn't who I had envisioned. I had projected my thoughts, beliefs, and values onto her. I think it's actually fairly normal to assume that people would think, act, and believe like we would. But it turns out that it's a very risky assumption and one we shouldn't make. Looking at actions is a much wiser endeavor. In looking at your wife's actions, are they really lovable?
Author lisbon67 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 It took me a LONG time to see my wife for who she really is, rather than who I had wanted her to be. And I had pretty desperately wanted her to be that person who had simply made a tragic mistake. But the reality is that she wasn't who I had envisioned. I had projected my thoughts, beliefs, and values onto her. I think it's actually fairly normal to assume that people would think, act, and believe like we would. But it turns out that it's a very risky assumption and one we shouldn't make. Looking at actions is a much wiser endeavor. In looking at your wife's actions, are they really lovable? It's true.. and no you are correct. ..not lovable one iota. I did the same as you BetrayedH
Author lisbon67 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I was with my XH for 18 yrs and even though I wanted divorce I too was worried about being on my own. But slowly I began to realise that I liked it and thought I would be on my own forever. I was content with that. Then I met my husband. What I am saying is that there is life out there and you will be fine. Enjoy your friends and family and take up some new hobbies. ...thanks for these comments. .I know what you mean entirely. ..and it's nice to know that you were in the same boat...even longer actually. . And have come out the other side happier and stronger. This us what am.striving and aiming for. The fear of loneliness is NOT going to hold me back....after listening to all you guys on here...particular betrayed H drifter and many others... good luck to you to lifeontheup. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 It's true.. and no you are correct. ..not lovable one iota. I did the same as you BetrayedH I certainly won't be making nice assumptions about ANYONE ever again.... as you say buddy...actions speak louder than words.. My wife's words were mainly lies...she is compulsive LIAR... And her actions were even worse. ..disgusting behaviour towards her husband of TWO MONTHS... 180 and DIVORCE this my firm.plan...just hope I can tough it out in ghe first few months 1
Lion Heart Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Just found out few days ago that my wife had an affair in September 2003.. .We only married in July 2003 !! The affair lasted 3 months or so and I did suspect it at the time with the nights she was going out with this mystery friend...but wouldn't let me give her a lift to the house or collect to bring home.only soncecshe confessed this week it's troubling me much more and I feel angry and resentful. Question is..Should I work to repair it....I'm just turned 50 and don't want to be alone in the house...but don't want to feel resentful against her for years either and affect my own health. She is only 36. She admits to having sex on these occasions but won't tell me the details... Dear Lisbon, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. Should you divorce or TRY to stay? Only you can work through your own emotions and find an answer. For now, if she's with you, I guess it's "stay" right? I know it's hard but take your time. Get your feelings out now but let things sink in. So many people here will try to support you. Get the support you need from as many sources as you want. Lion Heart.
Lion Heart Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Good Morning Friend...I do not want to shoot the horse im riding... But I think what Arieswoman is trying to get across ...it is hard for many of us here..(me included)...to see someone get their head (emotionally)..handed to them and just say..I will eat this Sh^T because i dont want to be alone... Of course you are correct..It is His decision and His alone...But If i was being marched to the edge of ditch to be executed...I Would Not go Quietly ...It is very difficult for many here to think otherwise....However i am trying:( Badkarma I'm glad you're back! I've missed your posts tbh. You provided me with empathy for the anger and "NO" I felt after my D Day. I'm sorry for the pain and anger ALL BSs feel post D Day. I hope we can all process these negative emotions and move on. Lisbon, the way you handle things is up to you. The one thing you can count on is the EMPATHY for your situation that NO ONE ELSE can understand. No one knows until.... and then we feel sorry that there's another person joining us. Lisbon I detest excuses for behaviour esp around infidelity BUT I'm wondering, did your wife feel delayed cold feet? Has your love and marriage provided the answers to her questions since? Maybe if she's stayed faithful since, this could be a possible reason (NOT EXCUSE) for her behaviour. Lion Heart. 1
KingwoodMan Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Cheaters are different kind of people. They'll cross lines that most people wouldn't. Just like murderers. If she did it that long ago and got away with it then she has done it again since then. I wish I was wrong but I never am. Too long tracking people like this I guess. Run for the hills my man. 3
Author lisbon67 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Lisbon I detest excuses for behaviour esp around infidelity BUT I'm wondering, did your wife feel delayed cold feet? Has your love and marriage provided the answers to her questions since? Maybe if she's stayed faithful since, this could be a possible reason (NOT EXCUSE) for her behaviour. Lionheart. ..I appreciate your empathy..thanks for that. ..no one knows as you say ..what it's really like till their there themselves. .. ...but I'm not too sure what you mean by above quote about the cold feet....???? I'm pretty sure she has been faithful since last December 2003....which gives her over 11 years of faithfulness. ...but lots of rough times during these years as well as good...but the undercurrent of her affair in 2003 has always been bubbling away...I think even for her....cause she's been at pains to hide and deny it from me for all this time....its probably damaged her too having to deny it for so long everyone it comes again in an argument. ... I'm really trying now to follow BetrayedH. ...and adhere to the 180...and be business like and indifferent to her....the affair was a deal braker and we are divorcing. ..albeit probably 11 years too late....and 11 years taken away i could've been searching for my true soul mate and partner if she'd been honest in 2003/2004..... ...thanks for support 2
Author lisbon67 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Kingwood man...you may well be right....but I coukd never trusted her one bit after the original affair in 2003.....so she was barely allowed out of my site for trips on her own after this...and I am annoyed that she made me into this type of guy as well....I never was before so untrusting. ..so I doubt she had any other affairs. .. I think she is beating herself up about the original one...but u are correct that she got off with it Scott free at the time. Only having to face consequences now..... 1
Author lisbon67 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Some people do use the 180 as a strategy to try to make themselves more attractive to the wayward spouse, to lure them back. Most people will tell you, though, that the 180 is really for you. It is not a game. The idea is to actually begin to detach and live your life for you, not for her. She has chosen an affair and you have chosen to move on. So you need to demonstrate that with actions. You no longer hang on her every word. In fact, you don't care about her words because you are worried about yourself. You don't beg or plead, you don't make expressions of love, or talk about fixing the marriage. You don't really talk about hate either. The opposite of love is not hate. Hate implies that you still care and that she has power over you. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. You need to respect yourself. And the way you do that is by not accepting unacceptable behavior. The 180 gives you an appropriate response. You turn your back on that unacceptable behavior and you focus on yourself. It is true that sometimes doing the 180 and filing for divorce is sometimes a show of strength to the wayward spouse that is very attractive. Personally, I suggest you just use it to help you to respect yourself. Many betrayed spouses are just so shocked and devastated that they sit and cry, and beg and plead. That is very damaging to an already damaged ego. And it's wrong because it puts the wayward in a position of power when they've been holding the cards long enough. So, do a 180 of that. Lionheart and lifeontheup. .. These are really nice and motivating posts you sent me above. ..appreciated thy all help very much at this time . .I'm going at it just now with advice of BetrayedH aliveagain Drifter. . The above advice from BetrayedH is what is driving me at the moment. ..with all you guys input and help too of course. ...will keep u all posted....big cheers to you all 2
KingwoodMan Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Kingwood man...you may well be right....but I coukd never trusted her one bit after the original affair in 2003.....so she was barely allowed out of my site for trips on her own after this...and I am annoyed that she made me into this type of guy as well....I never was before so untrusting. ..so I doubt she had any other affairs. .. I think she is beating herself up about the original one...but u are correct that she got off with it Scott free at the time. Only having to face consequences now..... I know my man. I feel your pain. It does really suck having to live like that. You love her so much yet you know you can't trust her. You now have to decide if it's worth it to live like this for the rest of your life because that's what it'll be. Some think it's worth it, others don't. Know this. If you're a good man then there are a lot of good women out there that will love you and honor the bonds of marriage. Just know that you have options. No one can really tell you how to proceed except your heart and head. I wish you well. 2
flowergirl14 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I was with my XH for 18 yrs and even though I wanted divorce I too was worried about being on my own. But slowly I began to realise that I liked it and thought I would be on my own forever. I was content with that. Then I met my husband. What I am saying is that there is life out there and you will be fine. Enjoy your friends and family and take up some new hobbies. Did you have kids with your ex? How did that go? 1
Author lisbon67 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I know my man. I feel your pain. It does really suck having to live like that. You love her so much yet you know you can't trust her. You now have to decide if it's worth it to live like this for the rest of your life because that's what it'll be. Some think it's worth it, others don't. Know this. If you're a good man then there are a lot of good women out there that will love you and honor the bonds of marriage. Just know that you have options. No one can really tell you how to proceed except your heart and head. I wish you well. ....appreciate these words KWM...your spot of with this...loved her for all these years...but deep has something hanging over us ...because I knew that she had been seeing another man...not long after we made our vows. ... this resentment was always there in last 11 years....but it was well hidden most of the time ..and only came up sometimes in arguments and fall outs...you're correct...its he'll to love someone bit know you really can't trust them...that as you say would continue for another 10 20, 30 years if I stayed with her....my health couldn't cope with that. ..cheers for support. ..it really is helping just now 1
Author lisbon67 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I've had no kids with present wife.... she always wanted a kid and I kept putting it off.. she is only 36 and I am 50. I honesty think it was the deep down problem maybe resentment I had about her affair so early in our marriage. ..though she hadn't admitted it at this point....only did 2 weeks ago...that stopped me having kids..... 2
Author lisbon67 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 I have two grown up kids from first marriage. .... and two grandchildren. ..she has not been very good with my grandkids. ..I haven't been able to have them to our house much...and rarely staying overnight which I would love... but I can understand her being so jealous because she wanted her own child...
Author lisbon67 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 ....appreciate these words KWM...your spot of with this...loved her for all these years...but deep has something hanging over us ...because I knew that she had been seeing another man...not long after we made our vows. ... this resentment was always there in last 11 years....but it was well hidden most of the time ..and only came up sometimes in arguments and fall outs...you're correct...its he'll to love someone bit know you really can't trust them...that as you say would continue for another 10 20, 30 years if I stayed with her....my health couldn't cope with that. ..cheers for support. ..it really is helping just now... Don't know what happened to my reply.....
Author lisbon67 Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Lifeontheup. ..I hope your story happens to me too......just so nervous about being alone
Lion Heart Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I have two grown up kids from first marriage. .... and two grandchildren. ..she has not been very good with my grandkids. ..I haven't been able to have them to our house much...and rarely staying overnight which I would love... but I can understand her being so jealous because she wanted her own child... I'm glad for you moving on with D. I really think you'll feel relief after a while. I wonder had WW been faithful to you from the get go and just normal with your grandkids! Seriously I don't get how she wouldn't WANT the kids at every available opportunity, since she so much wanted her own. If she was jealous of children then that's just another flaw of hers. I wonder if you'd have been happy to become a parent again? No way would I conceive a child with a person I ALREADY KNEW was a wayward. You did the best thing there. I would never consider a friendship with a WS of either sex nor an OM or OW, let alone an intimate relationship with one of above. Sorry about my "cold feet" comment. I read your post incorrectly. I apologise, please ignore. The waves of he** knows what in "R" post D Day affect the synapses in my brain! Moments of clarity but mostly mush. I can't believe someone ever gave me 3 degrees. Urrgh. I've got full confidence in the 180 to help your healing. It's ALL ABOUT YOU! I did it, relented, now employ many of the strategies during R. It's for your strength, resilience, building your self esteem and feelings of self worth. Do things you never thought of doing for yourself. I get fake tans now and I've got fake nails! You might look really cute doing these but maybe not! And one thing's for sure, you can do that spare room up for your grandkids now and have them sleep over as much as you want! A pet would be a comforting thing to have too. Single men walking their dog is VERY attractive. Only if you like dogs! Best wishes Lion Heart.
Author lisbon67 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thanks Lionheart. ...a lot of helpful mind provoking stuff here from you again. I probably had some reservations about having another child with my wife when we married in July 2003....But I definitely would have wanted to make her happy and complete us as a happy married couple. But her affair happened so early in our married life....sep to end Dec 2003....that I don't think I had the chance to have peace of mind about it to then have our baby with her. I coukd maybe had forgiven her for the affair....maybe after a couple of years....say in 2005...But her denial of it all the way up to two weeks ago march 2015 when we had DD. ...was probably more frustrating and annoying and resentfulNess building for me....than the 3 month affair itself! I do resent her to an extent for not being overly nice to my grandkids these last few years...they were not born yet when we married....but she always said that it reminded her that she wanted her own with me so badly....I sympathised with her on this...but shouldn't have allowed her to make me feel awkward about having them.in my own house ! I feel I've missed out on them a fair bit growing up..One is 9 and one is 5. when talking about the 180 you mentioned your were using it for the 'R'...?...does it mean that you are 'reconciled ' with your spouse and used the 180 to get there? ? ...cheers again for your best wishes...All the best
Author lisbon67 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 I think I get your 'cold feet' idea now Lionheart. ...that it happened so early in our marriage that it coukd have been a subconscious fear of settling down into marriage in the first place...and that her subsequent 11 years of faithfulness. ..is perhaps more the real her...?? Jeez wish I could believe this....not that it excuses her adultery as you say....but I really dont think this was the case LH....I wish I did know...she still won't tell me WHY she did it to me....cheers LH PS...what does 'R' mean? ...and apologies ..but are you a BH or BW?
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