Author lisbon67 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 What is the quick 180 by the way...to you mean complete turn around in my stance...?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Yes....I know...Till the pictures came into play...it was mine...I really do know... And I could barely save myself from what I had become.... I think people are right about these stages....I found out from my wife almost 2 weeks ago(next Wednesday is 2 weeks since D day )...when she finally admitted what I always suspected and had troubled me...but for first week I was quite calm...maybe stunned and in shock...I didn't feel haunted so much as I do now...now I feel angry in so many levels .but still stunned too. She won't talk about it and just coils up...I don't really want to ask questions and then both of us get angry... so now I'm avoiding it too...but taking all the torture internally. ..which can't be good for my health either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Someone said to me to be cautious. ..that the pain of losing your wife you've been with will be worse than the pain of resentment when you constantly play the videos in your head.. I'm not so sure about this now... yes the pain maybe more intense initially... but surely won't last as long!!. I mean I don't think I could look at my wife or feel the same way about her till the end of my days...by going through one or two years of pretty hard stuff...I coukd gain maybe 20 or 30 years of constantly resenting her and agonising over her affair... my problem is that the actual affair happened 11 years ago...sep to end of Dec 2003.. I don't have a dog. ..but I know you can't give your dog a slight slap on the backside For something bad it did even couple hours earlier...It won't understand what it was getting it for...! This is the way my WS...is making me feel now! ... So difficult knowing how to approach this one... Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Keep digging, OP. That's not snow on the ground, you're standing on top of a glacier. There's a reason you she isn't going to give you the details and it has nothing to do with sparing your feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 You should be careful about asking for details. Once you know them you can never unknow them. Your WW may be protecting you. Others will tell you she is protecting herself. That is true as well but if you are to go on with her, stay a couple, then you may very well both be better off keeping the details to a minimum. The decision as to what details constitute the minimum should 100% be up to you. She should have no rights to privacy with respect to this issue. Sometimes it is tempting to demand details, just to establish that the BS is in control of this decision, not the WS. However, you should not ask for this information in the heat of Dday. You should think long and hard about why you want these details, what it will accomplish to know them. Even if you decide you never want to see this woman again, you still will be haunted by the her answers to your questions about sexual details, if you insist on having them. Do you really want that? Sometimes it is best to just get the big picture, a view from 30,000 ft, and leave it at that. Whether or not you decide to reconcile but especially if you do reconcile. If you do reconcile and six months or even years later you change your mind and need those details, you can always get them then. If you get them now and six months or a year from now you wish you did not have them, well there is no way to undo that decision. Think about this long and hard. The BS is entitled to the whole truth for every question they ask about the cheating. BS should remember that they can't un-hear any if it but its their choice. WS doesn't get to decide what to withhold to "protect" their BS. Transparency & the whole truth is how a WS begins to earn back trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Someone said to me to be cautious. ..that the pain of losing your wife you've been with will be worse than the pain of resentment when you constantly play the videos in your head.. I'm not so sure about this now... yes the pain maybe more intense initially... but surely won't last as long!!. I mean I don't think I could look at my wife or feel the same way about her till the end of my days...by going through one or two years of pretty hard stuff...I coukd gain maybe 20 or 30 years of constantly resenting her and agonising over her affair... my problem is that the actual affair happened 11 years ago...sep to end of Dec 2003.. I don't have a dog. ..but I know you can't give your dog a slight slap on the backside For something bad it did even couple hours earlier...It won't understand what it was getting it for...! This is the way my WS...is making me feel now! ... So difficult knowing how to approach this one... Look up the term "gas lighting". Read the book "After the Affair" and start to educate yourself about what you are going through. Get into counseling. Remind yourself that you had a life before you met her and you can have a life without her. Trapping yourself with the fear of being alone is a form of denial born out of depression. You have worth all by yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 I sent this to my wife this morning at 6pm. ..While she is upstairs sleeping and I am here totally sober in living room with my thoughts.. . The affair torments me...but not as much as knowing that....everything we ve done together in the last 11 years hasn't been real...its all just been a big lie...cause you were not the woman I thought you were for all these years, you were someone else...and constantly sitting on your big secret .. and acting out a lie for 12 years. You should have been brave enough to admit it and confess at the time in 2003 and saved us both 12 years of hell But you decided to treat me like an idiot for 12 years and LIE about it even though I KNEW it. **The Thailand holiday, the parties, *the weekends away, the funz nights, the cosy nights cuddling on the sofa, *your mum and sisters trip here with us, our concerts together, sicily, *anniversaries and Valentines, meals in restaurants, *cinema * * And many more things that I have , sorry HAD, *very happy memories of.... I HATE you more for ruining these memories. ..12 years of my life just fake and false,, and up in smoke now ... I HATE you more for wiping out these happy memories...than for having your AFFAIR in the first place. .. But as you said " you were lonely and needed the money".....WHAT? after two months of marriage and giving your life VOWS to me at the Church alter a few weeks before???!! You have not just CHEATED me with a 3 month affair....worse than that...you have CHEATED me out of 12 years of my life when I could have had a REAL LIFE with someone who genuinely respected and loved me.... PLEASE MOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND BELONGINGS TO RITAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. YOU NEED TO DO IT BEFORE SHE GOES AWAY. Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 lisbon67, This thread has certainly moved on since I last posted. I am sorry you are hurting over this. First of all, I think your wife is a very troubled lady. This does not excuse her cheating one iota, BTW. You say, if I read your post correctly, that she has been an alchoholic for the past five years, and you continued with the relationship knowing this, and then went on to marry her. I am sorry to tell you that for the last five years that there has been a third entity in your relationship and that is alchohol. Even without the infidelity she has has chose to put another relationship (that with a bottle) over you. Leopards don't change their spots and I think you have realised that no matter how much you love this person, there is just too much to sort out in this marriage. I think you are eminently sensible to cut your losses at this point. Despite what you said in a previous post 50 isn't too old to start again. It's tough, really tough, but people get through it and go on to happy fulfilling lives and I'm sure you can. Good luck and stay strong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 What is the quick 180 by the way...to you mean complete turn around in my stance...?? Here's some info on the 180, copied from another site... "180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life, without them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Superb. ..wow...great advice...I will read all your post again and also get this book...really is an 180 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Road....I do not know your situation ...Speaking as a BH...I do not believe we will EVER get the truth...WE will never know How they really felt ...If they (at that time) loved them or if we were truly Plan B...NEVER... I knew I would never over the lies,deceit and my WWs Betrayal of US.... I filed for D....There were just to many unknowns that I knew i would never know....Badkarma PS He will never get the TRUTH...You and I both know that. Bad karma...he will NEVER get the truth? NEVER? He just might. I told John absolutely everything....everything...every detail....and I wish I had not. I wish I had given the facts and waited for his questions to supply the details he wanted and needed instead of spilling my guts. Now..I can never take back all the things I said....and the bad part is...he tells me some of the things I said and I don't remember saying them. I don't deny I said them...but I cannot remember. It has been too long and I have hidden them deep inside because they are just too ugly. He reminds me and I go searching for them...because I need to remember how cruel I was. The op...should ask what he needs to know whether today or ten years from now....and his ww should willingly supply what he needs. Op I am truly very sorry you are here. I wish you healing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) Bad karma...he will NEVER get the truth? NEVER? He just might. I told John absolutely everything....everything...every detail....and I wish I had not. I wish I had given the facts and waited for his questions to supply the details he wanted and needed instead of spilling my guts. Now..I can never take back all the things I said....and the bad part is...he tells me some of the things I said and I don't remember saying them. I don't deny I said them...but I cannot remember. It has been too long and I have hidden them deep inside because they are just too ugly. He reminds me and I go searching for them...because I need to remember how cruel I was. The op...should ask what he needs to know whether today or ten years from now....and his ww should willingly supply what he needs. Op I am truly very sorry you are here. I wish you healing. That is the point of my post....You were truly repent and ..forgive me..naive. MOST WWS will never give a BH the real TRUTH....even today you wish you had not...and for a damn good reason... Many BHS here have written me and said they wish they had found pics of their WW having sex with the OM...my answer is YOU DO NOT.... Many here think they can handle RAW Nasty part of their WWs Affair...You can not... Your perspective of YOUR world tilts and shifts until you believe nothing and trust no one... I think a BH/BS needs ALL questions asked...ANSWERED..but ask for no more than you can deal with...If a WS will not answer all questions ...even if you are striving for Reconcilition..IMHO it is over at that moment... Either way this SH*T is more than one should have to bear...Badkarma PS Mrs Adams...do you think Mr. Adams would have gotten over what I saw?...Just food for thought..BK Edited March 14, 2015 by badkarma2013 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Here's some info on the 180, copied from another site... "180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life, without them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." This 180 is about making you stronger and stronger is an attractive trait. It is about giving you the distance you need so you can do what is best for you and your survival. The 180 is not some secret formula designed to win your wayward spouse back, it's designed to help you survive infidelity and if your new strength helps reconciliation, great. Carry a copy in your wallet, keep a copy at work, read it anytime you feel weak, make it your new way of life until you don't need it anymore. Once you draw your line in the sand, defend it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Bad karma...you are right.... John did not have photographs...he had all the details..all. It was cruel...I was cruel...I should never have told him those things. He did not ask...I just spilled my guts. If he had had real photographs would it have made a difference? Maybe...I think looking at photographs makes it seem as if you are there watching...videos are probably even worse.... It breaks my heart those pictures still invade your mind. I hope someday you can stop seeing them. I hope they fade in time. You divorced....you moved on...yet you are still so haunted. Bless your heart...live nightmares..... We will hope that the op here gets what he needs for healing...whether it is with his wife or without her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Bad karma...you are right.... John did not have photographs...he had all the details..all. It was cruel...I was cruel...I should never have told him those things. He did not ask...I just spilled my guts. If he had had real photographs would it have made a difference? Maybe...I think looking at photographs makes it seem as if you are there watching...videos are probably even worse.... It breaks my heart those pictures still invade your mind. I hope someday you can stop seeing them. I hope they fade in time. You divorced....you moved on...yet you are still so haunted. Bless your heart...live nightmares..... We will hope that the op here gets what he needs for healing...whether it is with his wife or without her. AMEN...Badkarma Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thank you for all advice...I read everything last night..but tbh I was a bit drunk...I was depressed all day yesterday and got drunk...One of you mentioned that my fear of being alone and confronting my WS is a sign of my being trapped in my depression. This I believe is undoubtedly true. I think it was drifter who told me to look into 'gas lighting'....this was fascinating reading. but I was kinda shocked to find that I coukd see paterns of this behaviour in BOTH of our actions and behaviours over the past few years. My wife as I said has an alcohol problem. .I'm really not sure if she is an alcoholic. Sometimes when I had been exasperated by her asking for drink at say 8am in the morning...I would say to her ' you are nothing but a hopeless sad alcoholic'....she would then say 'if you keep telling me I'm and alcoholic. .ok I will be an alcoholic. .you are the one who is making me like thus'....who is gaslighting who here? I coukd say from the literature that I was perhaps gaslighting her!.. and that this was mental abuse of her by me...!or are we both gaslighting each other?..her to me by putting the blame back on me..??? BetrayedH. ..read your stuff on 180 several times now....I am going to copy and print it out...I can understand this philosophy totally.. I got a bit drunk last night....I don't have an alcohol problem btw!...and we had a bit of a fight last night...when I blurted out some stuff about her ruining my life because of her affair etc...she was drunk too..had her usual 2 bottles of red wine per day....So I guess I ll need to start your 180 today instead. ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 Aliveagain , badkarma and Mrs John Adams. ..is that your real name btw..surely not..? ...I read all your sentiments. .Thank you for great advice and your intentions for me. ..I think it is indeed badkarma to go on the way I am....if betrayed H is correct the 180 will give me the best fit solution for BOTH the possible outcomes....it may help facilitate a possible reconciliation. ...doubtful...I hasten to add....but also put me in the best position to move on if this is the best option...very Likely. ..I think it was also BetrayedH who told me that I was happy before I met her .this is so true and I was more confident then....and I can be happy again without her...inspiring advice. ....or was it Drifter who told me this . Can't remember who? I'm doing this on my phone and it's harder to scroll up and get the big picture. ..my pc us in the room my wife sleeps in and watches russian movies on YouTube all day....and night Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Here's an advice. Go to a lawyer and prepare the papers. Then, after the process begins and you're now in status of "separated", talk to her and offer her money in return to the details of her affair. If she agrees, negotiate with her a little bit, and set a number with her. Now, I say - If (after she knows that it's over, when you're separated) she agrees to take money for the information, It means she's a pro... You don't need any information from a pro. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I sent this to my wife this morning at 6pm. ..While she is upstairs sleeping and I am here totally sober in living room with my thoughts.. . The affair torments me...but not as much as knowing that....everything we ve done together in the last 11 years hasn't been real...its all just been a big lie...cause you were not the woman I thought you were for all these years, you were someone else...and constantly sitting on your big secret .. and acting out a lie for 12 years. You should have been brave enough to admit it and confess at the time in 2003 and saved us both 12 years of hell But you decided to treat me like an idiot for 12 years and LIE about it even though I KNEW it. **The Thailand holiday, the parties, *the weekends away, the funz nights, the cosy nights cuddling on the sofa, *your mum and sisters trip here with us, our concerts together, sicily, *anniversaries and Valentines, meals in restaurants, *cinema * * And many more things that I have , sorry HAD, *very happy memories of.... I HATE you more for ruining these memories. ..12 years of my life just fake and false,, and up in smoke now ... I HATE you more for wiping out these happy memories...than for having your AFFAIR in the first place. .. But as you said " you were lonely and needed the money".....WHAT? after two months of marriage and giving your life VOWS to me at the Church alter a few weeks before???!! You have not just CHEATED me with a 3 month affair....worse than that...you have CHEATED me out of 12 years of my life when I could have had a REAL LIFE with someone who genuinely respected and loved me.... PLEASE MOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND BELONGINGS TO RITAS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. YOU NEED TO DO IT BEFORE SHE GOES AWAY. Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone. Hope I haven't got this wrong but was she paid by the affair partner for sex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 I'm afraid to say this. ..but yes...yes us a yes. ..she had a bundle of 20 £ notes in her wardrobe which I came across...she said her uncle had given her them..her uncle is in Ukraine and the notes were bank of Scotland. ..she changed this and said my friend had given her them...she came back from.his house with £20 Note in her pocket and her pill. ...is this worse than I thought Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 I am fairly sure that he was giving her £20 for each visit to his house. ..she changed her answer when I asked her how her uncle in Ukraine could possibly give her a bundle of £20 notes,,,???...she then told me that my friend had gone into his wallet and given her the money. .about£180...because she said she had no money and wanted to buy me a Christmas present.I asked my friend Frank and he said no he never gave her this. On a few of the nights she had gone out to spend some time with her 'female friend...Olga'....she would come home again only a couple of hours later...eg go out in a taxi at about 5pm...and be back home in my house at 730pm...I remember thinking that this was quite strange. ..why be back so early if going out with a friend..?? ALL the signs were there. ..Inc disappearing up to her room and on her mobile phone for ages...bit I was too stupid and naive. ..until now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 BetrayedH. ... I have again been reading the 180 principles you sent me. I'm having a bit of a mixed feelings about this philosophy at times. It can also be interpreted as the guy..ie me kinda surrendering to the wife who has had the affair. It seems to be all about the victim...ie me continuing to do my utmost to still make my wife attracted to me ...by following these rules. It can seem like the whole 180 is about keeping my wife and allowing the best chance of reconciliation. ..I'm not sure I want this. .I want to follow the rules of 180...but only to make myself strong and let her see what she's lost. I don't really want 180 when it seems like I have to pander to her needs by aiming to ensure that she still respects me and wants to be with me Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I am fairly sure that he was giving her £20 for each visit to his house. ..she changed her answer when I asked her how her uncle in Ukraine could possibly give her a bundle of £20 notes,,,???...she then told me that my friend had gone into his wallet and given her the money. .about£180...because she said she had no money and wanted to buy me a Christmas present.I asked my friend Frank and he said no he never gave her this. On a few of the nights she had gone out to spend some time with her 'female friend...Olga'....she would come home again only a couple of hours later...eg go out in a taxi at about 5pm...and be back home in my house at 730pm...I remember thinking that this was quite strange. ..why be back so early if going out with a friend..?? ALL the signs were there. ..Inc disappearing up to her room and on her mobile phone for ages...bit I was too stupid and naive. ..until now... She was being paid for sex two months after she married you? You may want to look into her background, sounds like she has prostituted herself before and after you married her. Is it possible she did this all through your marriage? Her story keeps changing which means you don't really know the truth. You do know enough to make a decision on divorce or reconciliation. Use only the parts that work for your situation with regards to the 180. If your goal is divorce talk only about finances and the division of assets than follow the 180 to help you detach from her. Protect your finances, take her off your credit cards, change your banking, talk to a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 BetrayedH. ... I have again been reading the 180 principles you sent me. I'm having a bit of a mixed feelings about this philosophy at times. It can also be interpreted as the guy..ie me kinda surrendering to the wife who has had the affair. It seems to be all about the victim...ie me continuing to do my utmost to still make my wife attracted to me ...by following these rules. It can seem like the whole 180 is about keeping my wife and allowing the best chance of reconciliation. ..I'm not sure I want this. .I want to follow the rules of 180...but only to make myself strong and let her see what she's lost. I don't really want 180 when it seems like I have to pander to her needs by aiming to ensure that she still respects me and wants to be with me Some people do use the 180 as a strategy to try to make themselves more attractive to the wayward spouse, to lure them back. Most people will tell you, though, that the 180 is really for you. It is not a game. The idea is to actually begin to detach and live your life for you, not for her. She has chosen an affair and you have chosen to move on. So you need to demonstrate that with actions. You no longer hang on her every word. In fact, you don't care about her words because you are worried about yourself. You don't beg or plead, you don't make expressions of love, or talk about fixing the marriage. You don't really talk about hate either. The opposite of love is not hate. Hate implies that you still care and that she has power over you. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. You need to respect yourself. And the way you do that is by not accepting unacceptable behavior. The 180 gives you an appropriate response. You turn your back on that unacceptable behavior and you focus on yourself. It is true that sometimes doing the 180 and filing for divorce is sometimes a show of strength to the wayward spouse that is very attractive. Personally, I suggest you just use it to help you to respect yourself. Many betrayed spouses are just so shocked and devastated that they sit and cry, and beg and plead. That is very damaging to an already damaged ego. And it's wrong because it puts the wayward in a position of power when they've been holding the cards long enough. So, do a 180 of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 cheers aliveagain and BetrayedH ...I think you've both clarified this for me... the 180 is great...but making me follow this...and I am.doing so...gives me the feeling that she is winning....I'm being so nice to her just now...hurting like mad inside and still following the 180...how to control the urges to be angry. ..but no point...she won't open up anyway..as you both say..The strategy can work for me...without me feeling that she thinks I'm still interested in a reconciliation. ..will keep working on it.. We re talking tonight...but I'm. Stuggling to keep the 180... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts